Archive: Master_Apprentice, OKEB, QJEB, SWA-L, Jedi Hurtaholics
and The Nesting Place (Anyone else just ask :-)
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: AU, angst (no deaths), h/c, m/m relationship - Q/O
Spoilers: Some references to events in TPM
Summary: Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan try to recover from the events in
'Lost'.
Series/Sequels: This is the next story in the 'Searching'
series - The others are (in order) - 'The Truth',
'Change', 'Need'
and 'Lost'. They can be found at the archives mentioned
above, or just email me and I'll happily send them to you :-).
Disclaimer: The SW universe, the concept of Jedi, and 'The
Boys' still belong to Mr Lucas Feedback: Yes please !.... :o)
// indicates telepathy.
Hugs and much appreciation goes to - Kat, Ana, Kelly and
Sara...and my 'co-conspirators' - Jo, Kathy and Q :o)
This story is dedicated to my much loved cat ~ Smokey-Joe...who
sadly died on the 27th of November :o(
Chapter I
Twist
Turn
Spin
Twist
Obi-Wan spiralled through the air effortlessly. Each time he
landed his feet barely grazed the floor before he launched
himself upwards again, somersaulting backwards and forwards in
a dizzying display of skill. The folds of his tunic fluttered
open, exposing glistening skin slick with sweat. Obi-Wan's hair
was dark with it, soft spikes plastered against his head. His
braid's slender, whipcord length lashed back and forth like the
tail of an angry cat.
At a glance, he was just another Padawan taking advantage of
the exercise room's early morning quiet. A handful of others
had risen with the dawn to practice in the large echoing
chamber. Except Obi-Wan had not arrived at first light, and a
closer examination revealed the unhealthy pallor of his skin
and the wild glassy look in his eyes. Slender muscles were
trembling with effort, pushed far beyond their current limits.
Obi- Wan landed badly from one tumble, regained his balance -
just - and cursed loudly, drawing startled glances from the
room's other occupants.
Obi-Wan was oblivious to their unease. Storming over to a wall
cabinet he threw open the doors and stared at the contents.
Several of the other Padawans began to whisper nervously
amongst themselves. The use of the equipment stored in the
cabinet was not 'expressly' forbidden, but certain items were
only for the use of senior Knights and Masters. 'Certain items'
which included the matching pair of duelling sabers that
Obi-Wan now lifted out of the case. Padawans exchanged shocked,
unhappy looks.
Ignoring their scrutiny, the young man walked back into the
centre of the exercise ring. He felt the balance of each saber
in his hand before lighting them and taking a fighting stance.
Then he began again....
Twist
Turn
Spin
Twist
This time the twin blades soared with him, graceful arcs of
blue fire slicing through the air. Open mouthed, the Padawans
shuffled forward until they formed a silent, awestruck circle
around him.
The silence was broken by a soft, sizzling hiss; a tiny curl of
smoke drifted upward and with it the stench of charred cloth
and burnt flesh. One of the Padawans turned away with a
grimace, but Obi-Wan seemed totally unaware of the smoldering
slash across his arm.
"You'd better fetch Master Jinn," an older Padawan whispered to
one of the youngest - a tiny Thracian. She nodded, sparing one
last wild-eyed glance at Obi-Wan before turning and running
from the room.
Hurtling down the empty corridors, the Thracian was little more
than a blur of cream tunic and white fur. She skidded to a halt
beside Master Jinn's quarters. After several anxious moments,
when no-one answered her repeated calls, she risked using a
slight touch of the Force to probe the room. She hit the door
with a tiny fist, emitting a sound of frustration when she
realised the room was empty. Nibbling her lower lip the
Thracian's brow furrowed in concentration. Where else might
Master Jinn be this early ? With a sudden flash of insight
she was off and running again - this time heading towards
Master Windu's quarters on the floor above.
Her frantic approach was detected by both Masters, though it
was Mace Windu who opened the door and caught the tiny girl as
she charged into him. "Master ! Master !" she gasped,
desperately trying to catch her breath. Her gaze fell beyond
the dark folds of Master Windu's robe, towards the centre of
the room, where Qui-Gon Jinn had set aside his tea and now
stood staring at her. She drew in a deep breath, but was only
able to choke out another "Master !"
Mace Windu set his huge hands upon her shoulders, channelling
his calming presence into her frantic one. "Sssh, child. Speak
softly. Now, what is wrong ?" She looked up at him, dark eyes
wide with alarm.
However it was Qui-Gon who spoke. "Obi-Wan..."
"What ?" Mace barely had time to snap out a question, when
Qui-Gon rushed passed him, face white and drawn. Mace watched
his friend race down the empty corridor. He hesitated, turning
back toward the frightened girl who stood trembling beneath his
hands. "Where is Obi- Wan, Padawan ?"
"The-the exercise room...Master."
He smiled at her in gentle reassurance, though his eyes were
troubled. "Come. We will go together." With a guiding arm
around her slight shoulders, Master and Padawan hurried after
Qui-Gon.
Chapter II
The pair reached the exercise room just as Qui-Gon disappeared
through the doorway. Mace rushed ahead of the Thracian as he
felt his friend's sudden spike of alarm. Hastily he pushed
through the swinging doors. "Qui-Gon. No!" he hissed.
When his desperate whisper failed to draw the Jedi back, Windu
grabbed his friend's arm. "Qui-Gon."
Qui-Gon shot him a 'Don't - look', and tried to pull
free."Let me go Mace-"
"No" They were starting to attract the attention of the
Padawans. Mace cursed softly and dragged his resisting friend
aside. "Qui-Gon listen to me." When Qui-Gon turned away Mace
shook him hard. "Listen !"
Qui-Gon turned back, eyes narrowing in displeasure. "That is a
J'kha exercise."
"Yes, and if you break his concentration now, you could
kill him." Mace's gaze burned into Qui-Gon's - dark eyes
willing him to understand and accept the truth of what he was
saying.
Qui-Gon turned back to stare at Obi-Wan - who spun gracefully
through the air above their heads - twin blades blazing
fiercely as they twirled and danced around his body. Abruptly
Qui-Gon sagged; glancing away from Obi-Wan for a moment he
nodded, eyes bright with anguish.
Mace quietly ushered the other Padawans out of the exercise
room and closed the doors; then he moved back to stand beside
his friend, whose eyes never left Obi-Wan for an instant. The
two Masters maintained a silent vigil as Obi-Wan performed a
duelling kata far in excess of either his age or his training.
They could still sense the buzz of nervous excitement from the
Padawans who lingered in the corridor. Three of the braver ones
pressed their faces up against the door's glass panels, peering
inside. One went so far as to push the door open a little in
order to get a better look.
As the young Padawans watched, Obi-Wan completed the complex
kata; performing one last breathtaking spinning leap before
landing, somewhat unsteadily, and extinguishing the
lightsabers. Obi-Wan turned to face Qui-Gon and Mace and bowed
formally. However, as the young man straightened up his eyes
suddenly rolled back and without a sound Obi- Wan slid to the
floor. Beside him the lightsabers struck the mat with twin dull
thuds before rolling away.
"Obi-Wan !" Qui-Gon was already at his Bond mate's side as Mace
knelt to examine the youth.
"Bring him to the healers Qui-Gon." Mace's deep voice broke
through Qui-Gon's shock and he stood, carefully lifting
Obi-Wan's limp body into his arms. As they strode past the
anxious Padawans Windu spared them a brief glance. "Go back to
your rooms, all of you !" They scuttled off to their quarters
like startled swamp rats.
Chapter III
Mace Windu finally had to resort to bodily pulling Qui-Gon
aside in order that Masters Tenesh and Payan might work upon
their patient unimpeded. However, Qui-Gon obstinately refused
to allow Obi-Wan out of his sight. The Jedi Master stood in the
doorway of the adjoining chamber, his face drawn and anxious,
watching as the healers tended to his Padawan.
Mace sighed, "Obi-Wan is in good hands Qui-Gon. Please my
friend, sit down and rest yourself." Qui-Gon acted as though he
had not even heard, and Mace stood, moving to stand beside his
friend, his gaze following Qui-Gon's into the room beyond.
Obi-Wan was still unconscious. Tenesh and Payan had diagnosed
simple exhaustion as the cause of the young man's sudden
collapse, but they had also pointed out signs which implied a
worrying level of self neglect. The most significant being a
number of untreated minor wounds - some days old.
Qui-Gon had listened to their comments in silence, but Mace
watched the effect they had upon his friend - the lines of
grief deepening with every word the healers spoke.
Tenesh and Payan were currently engaged in treating the fresh
saber burns scarring Obi-Wan's arms and torso. As Payan stepped
aside, Mace caught a glimpse of a cruel slash scoring the
youth's collar bone, and he heard Qui-Gon's sudden indrawn
breath. Mace moved closer to his friend, as Qui-Gon turned his
face away from the sight.
"I should have known...I should have....I-" Qui-Gon broke off,
shaking his head in despair.
Mace lay a comforting hand upon Qui-Gon's arm. "Talk to me, my
friend."
Qui-Gon sighed, a combination of pain and frustration. "Obi-Wan
has been shielding himself from me."
"For how long ?" Mace's deep voice reflected his concern.
Qui-Gon's face tightened with distress. "Since...since our
escape."
Shocked, Mace moved to stand before his friend. "You haven't
sensed anything from him ? Nothing at all ?"
In response Qui-Gon closed his eyes and clenched his fists,
momentarily unable to speak. When he reopened them their dark
blue depths were bright with unshed tears. Qui-Gon struggled to
speak through his grief. "I-I can sense where he is. I know
when he leaves our quarters. He...he has moved back into his
old room." That got another shocked look. Qui-Gon
shrugged. "He said he needed time to think...time alone...."
"Do you think that was wise ?"
Qui-Gon answered the unspoken question. "Obi-Wan wouldn't
purposely harm himself, Mace. I would know if he
intended that. If...if I thought for a moment that he
might...." He stopped, unable to go on, but Mace understood and
berated himself for his own thoughtlessness Of course
Qui-Gon would never have let Obi-Wan out of his sight if he'd
believed the boy would try to hurt himself
"Has he spoken at all about what happened ?"
"No...I-I hoped...." Qui-Gon's despair was almost palpable. "I
didn't want to push him Mace. I hoped in time he would come to
me....." The Jedi's voice trailed off.
"Perhaps he might find it easier to speak with another ?" Mace
suggested.
Qui-Gon shook his head decisively. "No, Obi-Wan wouldn't talk
to anyone else."
There was no arrogance in Qui-Gon's tone, simply the knowledge
of a Master who knew his Padawan...his Bond
mate....better than any other living creature. Mace
accepted the truth of the statement without question. Obi-Wan
had always been a self-contained individual; companionable, but
rarely sharing his innermost thoughts with anyone....except
perhaps Qui-Gon. Though this time....
Mace sighed heavily. "He has spoken with another."
"What ?!" Qui-Gon's voice reflected both his surprise and his
confusion. His dark blue eyes became suffused with hurt.
"Not...not concerning what has happened to him," - Mace looked
increasingly unhappy - "though I feel it is directly linked to
it." Still utterly bewildered, Qui-Gon looked to his friend for
an explanation; increasingly worried by Mace's apparent
reluctance to tell him. Mace ran a hand over his face.
"I...That's what I wanted to discuss with you this morning. She
didn't know how to speak of it directly with you."
"She ?"
"Master Linnae"
Qui-Gon frowned. Why would his Padawan choose to talk to a
strange Jedi Master ? An elderly Thracian who, to the best of
his knowledge, had only ever visited Coruscant on three
previous occasions, none of which had been during Obi-Wan's
lifetime.
Mace continued. "I know Linnae quite well. We...we have met on
several occasions - diplomatic functions and the like. She was
aware of my friendship with you and sought my advice. Normally
she would never have broken a confidence, but she didn't feel
that Obi-Wan was..." Mace hesitated as he sought for a
'diplomatic' answer, "quite himself," he eventually offered.
"She felt that you had a right to know. I....I agree."
"What, Mace ?!" Qui-Gon made no attempt to hide the
desperate concern in his voice.
"Obi-Wan wanted..." Mace took a deep breath, and the rest of
the words flowed forth in a rush. "He had heard that Linnae had
been Bonded. He wanted to know if it was possible to break a
Bond between Jedi - Qui-Gon!" Mace cried out in alarm as
Qui-Gon suddenly staggered, his face pale - eyes wide in shock.
Anxiously Mace caught his friend's arm, falling back on a
childhood diminutive."Qui ? Qui ?" When Qui-Gon didn't answer,
Mace guided them both back towards the chairs against the far
wall.
Qui-Gon sat down blindly, dark blue eyes almost black with
anguish. "W-why....?" The Jedi's voice was hoarse with pain.
Mace sank down into the seat beside his friend, suddenly
feeling older than his years. "I have no idea Qui, I'm sorry.
He wouldn't tell her. He...he just wanted to know if it was
possible."
"What did she tell him ?"
"The truth. That it could be done if both parties agreed to
it."
Qui-Gon closed his eyes.
Hating himself for asking, but knowing he had to, Mace spoke
gently. "Have you....? I mean perhaps you should consider...?"
He broke off when Qui-Gon's eyes snapped open.
His voice rough with suppressed emotion, Qui-Gon's eyes
glittered, "I won't give him up Mace. Never ask me
to."
If Mace was surprised by the anger in Qui-Gon's tone he didn't
show it. "And if it's best for the boy...?"
The wildness in Qui-Gon's eyes faded to a confused sadness.
"I...I don't believe that...." He looked at Mace despairingly,
"Do you ?"
Mace shook his head, sighing. "No...No I don't." He leaned
toward Qui- Gon, his own eyes troubled, "But this can't go on
Qui."
Before Qui-Gon could answer, Tenesh appeared. Both Jedi stood
to face the healer. "Well he's awake," Tenesh's long face
creased into a frown, "and insisting he be allowed to return to
his quarters." The healer's tone said exactly what he thought
of that idea.
"May I see him ?" Qui-Gon made his request respectfully, but he
was already trying to edge around the healer in order to enter
the room.
Smiling kindly, a little of the weariness fading from his face,
Tenesh nodded. "Just for a moment. The boy needs to rest."
Qui-Gon quickly expressed his gratitude and entered; Payan
nodded to him briefly as he swept past, finally leaving Qui-Gon
alone with his Padawan.
Chapter IV
Obi-Wan lay on a narrow bed in the far corner of the room with
his face turned toward the wall. He didn't look up as Qui-Gon
approached.
Trying to control his turbulent emotions, Qui-Gon pulled up a
chair alongside the bed and sat down. When a moment's silence
threatened to go on indefinitely, Qui-Gon spoke. "Obi-Wan?" The
youth ignored him. Qui-Gon made his tone a little more forceful
- a Master addressing his Padawan. "Obi-Wan ?"
Obi-Wan suddenly seemed to remember who was speaking to him,
and he pushed himself up the bed a little, sitting propped
against the pillows. The young man turned his face toward
Qui-Gon, but his eyes remained downcast, and his mouth held a
sullen, unhappy twist.
Qui-Gon didn't need the Force, or even a Bond link, to sense
his Padawan's emotional state - the young man's misery filled
the tiny room; the air fairly bristled with it. Qui-Gon's gaze
fell to his Padawan's hands. Obi-Wan's pale slender fingers
were nervously 'playing' with the hem of his tunic. Once his
wounds had been bathed and dressed, Obi-Wan had wasted no time
in slipping back into his tunic. For Qui-Gon the sight of the
scorched cloth was a painful remainder.
Grief and concern sharpened his voice, bitter confusion also
creeping into his tone. "Why Obi-Wan ? You know such
katas are forbidden to Padawans. " His breath hitched, and his
voice became husky with pain. "You...you could have been
seriously hurt." He looked at Obi-Wan, his eyes pleading for an
explanation. Obi-Wan glanced up briefly - stared dully at him
for a moment - then looked away. Qui-Gon's tight control
wavered. "Obi-Wan ?!"
"I don't know !" Obi-Wan snapped. Gray-green eyes stared
hard at Qui-Gon, before they softened a little in the face of
the older Jedi's obvious distress. "I'm sorry Master...I...." a
little of the hardness slipped back into Obi-Wan's expression,
"I don't know why I did it." The youth's voice was tired, flat.
An awkward silence fell once more; Obi-Wan's fingers began to
pluck at the blanket beside his leg, his teeth doggedly
worrying his lower lip. Qui-Gon quickly realised Obi-Wan wasn't
going to volunteer any more information, and he attempted to
reach out to his Bond mate through their link; but Obi-Wan's
mental shield remained an impenetrable barrier. Qui-Gon simply
couldn't detect anything....and the emptiness was an
ache in his soul.
Qui-Gon silently withdrew from his Padawan's mind; he took a
moment to collect himself and then hesitated, unsure how best
to continue. Qui- Gon still didn't believe that Obi-Wan had
intended to harm himself. The youth had been spending most of
his time alone since their return - much of it simply laid upon
his bed in his old Padawan quarters, staring blankly at the
ceiling. Unwilling to push too hard, Qui-Gon had allowed it,
merely instructing his Padawan not to leave the Temple. If he
had believed for a moment that Obi-Wan might....No !...No,
he was certain. Obi-Wan would never willfully try to
hurt himself.
It was simply as though the young man didn't care. However,
this casual disregard was no less frightening. He decided to
press a little. "Last night.You left our quarters shortly after
I retired for the evening ?" He didn't really need to ask, he
had felt his Padawan's departure, and had lain awake long after
it.
Obi-Wan watched him warily from beneath long golden lashes,
Qui-Gon got a hesitant nod in response to his query.
"You went straight to the exercise rooms ?" Qui-Gon guessed.
A smaller, even more hesitant nod.
Qui-Gon closed his eyes briefly, trying to calm himself.
Obi-Wan had probably been exercising all night. It was a wonder
the young man had been capable of performing the most basic of
katas, let alone one as complicated and strenuous as the J'kha.
His mind's eye was suddenly flooded with images of what might
have been.....the bright flickering blue arc as the saber's
blade bit into his Padawan's soft flesh....slicing through
muscle and bone......He shuddered.
The stroke to Obi-Wan's collar bone had been long and deep
....a little further along and it would have been the young
man's throat.
No. This could not be allowed to continue.
"You went to see Master Linnae ?"
That got a reaction. Obi-Wan's head shot up, eyes
widened in shock. "Who....who told you ? !" There was a hint of
outrage in the tremulous whisper, and Obi-Wan's eyes glittered
with angry green fire.
Qui-Gon frowned. "That is not important Padawan." Qui-Gon used
the youth's title purposefully, both to assert his own
position, and to encourage Obi-Wan to be mindful of his. It
worked. Obi-Wan breathed heavily as he fought to bring his
temper back under control. Struggling to keep his own voice
calm and steady, Qui-Gon continued. "Why did you go to see her
?"
"You don't already know ?" Obi-Wan's tone was scornful.
"I am asking you to tell me Padawan." Qui-Gon didn't
raise his voice, but his tone was sharp.
For a brief moment Qui-Gon caught a glimpse of the 'real'
Obi-Wan in the young man's troubled look. It was gone almost as
quickly as it appeared, vanishing behind a cool indifferent
mask; though Obi-Wan's voice had more than a hint of
uncertainty behind it. "I...I had some questions...."
"About ?" Qui-Gon prompted his Padawan gently.
Obi-Wan glanced down. "About Bonded Jedi." The reply was all
but unintelligible, whispered against his chest.
Qui-Gon's voice was almost as soft. "You couldn't ask me ?"
There was no trace of accusation in his tone. The young man
shook his head miserably. Qui-Gon tried to get his Padawan's
attention. "Obi-Wan ?"
Obi-Wan looked up. Gray-green eyes shimmered with tears.
"Tell me." Qui-Gon's words were a gentle demand.
Obi-Wan's breath hitched on a sob, "I...I asked if...a Bond
could be br-broken..."
Though he had already known the answer, the words still tore at
Qui- Gon. To hear the truth from his Bond mate was almost too
painful to bear. "Why ?" He choked out the question.
Obi-Wan shook his head violently, tears now flowing steadily
down his pale pinched cheeks.
Qui-Gon's own eyes burned. "Obi-Wan please ?!"
His desperate plea seemed to snap something in Obi-Wan, as the
youth sat forward, almost hurling the words into Qui-Gon's
face. "Because you deserve better !"
Whatever answer Qui-Gon had dreaded hearing, this was not it,
and his voice echoed his confusion. "Better.....?"
This time there was no mistaking the self-loathing in Obi-Wan's
gaze. His words were thick with bitter disgust. "Better than a
Padawan who cannot be trusted to leave the Temple....Better
than a Bond mate who cannot bear to be touched...Who..who
panics if he's in a room with anyone .... Who cannot be
h-held...." Obi-Wan's voice cracked. He took several deep
gulping breaths before he continued, spitting out the words
amidst harsh rasping sobs -"Better... than a man who can't even
face himself in a mirror!" He stared at Qui-Gon, eyes
wild with grief. "I can't give you what you want Qui-Gon
!"
Shocked, Qui-Gon was unable to keep the edge of hurt anger from
his voice "And what do I want ? !"
"Me!" Obi-Wan's reply was tinged with hysteria. "You
can't say you don't want me."
Pushed beyond his emotional limits, Qui-Gon snarled at his
Padawan. "I love you! You are more than just a 'willing
body' in my bed. Yes I want you ! Yes I desire you !" He
stole a deep breath, calming a little. "But I love you Obi-Wan,
and I can wait-"
Obi-Wan cut in with a dismissive snort. "How long can you wait
Qui-Gon ? Forever ?"
Qui-Gon had regained a little more control, and he met his
Padawan's wild-eyed gaze without wavering. "Yes. If that is
what you need." He saw the flicker of uncertainty in Obi-Wan's
eyes, and glimpsed the swirling whirlpool of fear beyond it. He
took another deep breath before he spoke, letting the emotions
Obi-Wan refused to accept through their link colour his voice.
"Obi-Wan, my Padawan...My Bond mate. Even if you are
only a presence at my side, it is enough. I l o v e y o
u. Without you my existence is....empty."
His words finally seemed to break through Obi-Wan's defensive
shell. The young man shuddered and began to sob more
forcefully. He choked out a sentence, of which Qui-Gon only
caught a fragment. "...I-I'm....unclean...."
It was Qui-Gon's turn to snap. He seized Obi-Wan's arms. "Never
say that ! Never !" Qui-Gon suddenly realised he was
shaking the youth, gripping Obi-Wan's upper arms tight enough
to bruise. Obi-Wan was staring at him, still weeping - but
softly this time. Qui-Gon stopped, "Oh my love...." Hesitantly
he drew the young man into a loose embrace. His heart missed a
beat as he felt Obi-Wan's arms slowly move up around him.
Qui-Gon closed his eyes and let the tears fall, rocking his
Bond mate gently in his arms.
Obi-Wan sobbed brokenly - the first real emotion he had shown
since their return. It was also the first time Obi-Wan had
attempted to touch Qui-Gon, and the young man clung to his
Master like a terrified child in a storm.
"Let me in my love...Please let me in...." Qui-Gon
kissed the top of Obi-Wan's head tenderly, his voice choked
with tears. //Please my love..//
Slowly, like melting ice, Obi-Wan's mental shield began to
weaken; dissolving into tiny broken fragments. Qui-Gon reached
out tentatively, and felt Obi-Wan's mind touch his. There was
an overwhelming sense of completion as Obi-Wan's mental
presence returned, filling the torn space in Qui-Gon's soul.
However something was not quite...right. The young man's
emotions were stilted - dulled. Qui-Gon 'probed' gently, and
was distressed to discover another small, but powerful barrier;
a defense around those memories Obi-Wan was still unable to
share. He 'pushed' a little, and Obi-Wan began to draw back -
Qui-Gon retreated at once, sighing in relief as he felt the
young man relax in return.
Mace Windu discreetly glanced through the open doorway, then
turned to address the healers. "I think they should be left
alone for a while." Tenesh and Payan nodded in shared
understanding. The three moved away silently - leaving the
Master and Padawan in private.
Chapter V
Mace returned alone sometime later. He found ce...."
"Then let us help you both, Qui-Gon." Mace pleaded. It
cut him deeply to see his friend so distressed. However he also
knew Qui-Gon well enough to realise how hard this was for the
other man. Qui-Gon was utterly self reliant, totally contained
- a model of Jedi calm - and he had raised his Padawan the same
way. As a Bonded pair they were completely committed to one
another, existing in what was essentially a private world. To
acknowledge that they needed outside assistance would be hard,
to let others enter their private domain would be even harder.
Finally, after an agony of waiting, Qui-Gon nodded.
Mace sighed with relief. "Rest here a while." He raised his
hand to silence Qui-Gon when the other Jedi would have
protested. "Tenesh wants to keep an eye on the boy. Just for a
little while, Qui." Reluctantly Qui-Gon acquiesced. Mace
continued. "Master Yoda wishes to speak with you later - and
no, I don't know what it is about." He stood, resting his hand
for a moment on Qui-Gon's shoulder. "Now get some sleep my
friend." He let his eyes silently carry the rest of his speech.
You are safe here. We will all watch over you.
Qui-Gon gave a small smile of gratitude and closed his eyes.
Mace left silently.
Chapter VI
Just before mid-day, Qui-Gon walked Obi-Wan back to their
quarters. The young man had obstinately refused to spend a
moment longer in the infirmary, and Tenesh and Payan were
content to release the Padawan back into his Master's care.
Qui-Gon remained uneasy; Obi-Wan wasn't shielding from him any
more, but he felt they had made little real progress. Obi-Wan
was an emotional island - projecting nothing of what he was
feeling; boyish features set into a cool, bland mask. Without
uttering a word, the youth had fallen into step beside Qui-Gon;
walking silently through the empty corridors - an icy,
green-eyed wraith.
It chilled Qui-Gon to see his Padawan so inanimate. This
listless shade was a poor imitation of the vibrant,
strong-willed young man he knew.
As they walked through the Temple, Qui-Gon became aware of the
attention they were drawing - the wide-eyed curiosity of the
Padawans and the pitying glances of his fellow Knights and
Masters. He felt a sharp stab of anger, and tried to shield
Obi-Wan from the less subtle staring of the younger Padawans -
glaring at any who let their gaze linger too long. Qui-Gon was
relieved when they finally reached their quarters, though
Obi-Wan seemed unaware of the unwanted attention.
Obi-Wan would have disappeared at once into his own room, but
Qui- Gon called him back; somewhat sullenly the youth obeyed.
Qui-Gon prepared them both some food, though he himself had no
appetite. Obi- Wan sat down and accepted the plate Qui-Gon
handed to him, eating with obvious effort and no enthusiasm.
Master Yoda had left a message that he wished to see Qui-Gon
immediately. Qui-Gon was reluctant to leave Obi-Wan alone, and
did so only after extracting the young man's word that he would
stay in their quarters until Qui-Gon returned. Obi-Wan had
agreed readily enough, but Qui-Gon had caught a glimmer of
anger in those quickly downcast eyes.
Unhappily Qui-Gon left, and made his way to Master Yoda's
rooms. He stood, struggling to remain calm, while the elderly
Jedi pottered around tending to his plants - the ancient
muttered softly as he plucked off a dead leaf; crooning as he
tenderly stroked a new, bright shoot. Normally Qui-Gon would
have waited without concern...or comment....but now - "Master,
you wished to see me ?" He tried and failed to keep the
impatience from his voice; he was anxious to return to Obi-Wan.
Yoda stopped, peering at him from around a large leafy
astrellada. "Oh, grow impatient you do, heh ?" The diminutive
Jedi hobbled forward. "No time have you for your old Master..."
The creature shook his head in mock sorrow, his ears drooping
pitifully. As he reached Qui-Gon he tipped his head back,
peering upwards, eyes twinkling kindly. "Come, sit down you
must. Look up all that way I cannot." Yoda tapped Qui-Gon's leg
gently with his stick, before shuffling off toward a seat in
the centre of the room.
Qui-Gon felt a stab of guilt. He had no right to let his
personal grief intrude upon his fondness or respect for his
former Master. "Master Yoda, forgive me...I-"
The ancient silenced him with a gentle tutting, waving to the
space in front of him. Qui-Gon stepped forward and seated
himself cross-legged, hands clasped - a study in troubled
despair.
Yoda regarded him sadly. "Hurting you are, see this I do." He
tapped his own chest gently. "Feel it here I can."
Qui-Gon didn't know what to say, so he remained silent.
"Hmm, yes. When one Bond mate suffers so do they both. Your
pain is feeding his, as his does yours."
Qui-Gon frowned, uncertain what Yoda was implying. "We are
feeding each others 'pain'....because of the Bond link ?"
Yoda nodded. "Know this you did not, heh ?"
Qui-Gon shook his head. "But..but...I can't sense
anything from Obi-Wan....?"
"Hmm, no. Shielding himself he is. Strong at it too." The Jedi
Master sounded both surprised and impressed. His eyes narrowed.
"But sense it you need not. The link exists, Bonded you are,
bound to each other. Your emotions are his, and his are yours."
Qui-Gon struggled to catch up. "So even though I can't sense
Obi-Wan's emotions, I'm subconsciously absorbing them ?"
It seemed he was on the right path. The elderly Jedi's wrinkled
face creased even further in concern. "Dangerous this can be.
Much fear has he. Share it you do."
Qui-Gon made no reply.
"Take the boy to Aldair you should."
"A-Aldair ?!" Qui-Gon made no attempt to hide his surprise.
Yoda did not seem disturbed by his startled exclamation. "Go
before you would have. Go now you should."
"I-I don't think...." Qui-Gon stood, suddenly too agitated to
remain seated. He searched desperately for an excuse, "I don't
think it would be wise for us to leave Coruscant..."
Qui-Gon watched as Yoda's eyes widened, ears lifting as the
elderly Jedi lent forward, his voice soft and knowing. "Afraid
you are."
Qui-Gon stiffened, mouth open ready to object....but the words
wouldn't come. Obi-Wan's near rape on Taogoa, the
misunderstandings of Neider, their near fatal crash on the
nameless grey planet...Obi-Wan's withdrawl....the scavenger
ship.....All the ill that had befallen them so far had occurred
while they were away from Coruscant.
Qui-Gon closed his eyes and clenched his hands into bloodless
fists. He was afraid to leave Coruscant. He wanted to keep
Obi-Wan safe...secure...locked away. He knew it was the truth,
even as he acknowledged that it was wrong. He was a Jedi
Knight, one of too few in a vast, ever-expanding galaxy. One
day Obi-Wan would follow him into Knighthood.
To remain here, cosseted within the walls of the Temple would
serve no purpose....
He opened his eyes. Yoda was watching him, waiting patiently.
"Face your fears you must. Or grow stronger they will."
Qui-Gon thought of Aldair - a lush, quiet beautiful world,
regarded as something of a spiritual retreat by the Jedi. There
were very few Aldairans - they lived in small settlements on a
flat open continent, far away from the forests and mountains
which covered much of their world. They welcomed few outsiders,
but due to their past services to the people of Aldair, Jedi
were regarded as honoured guests. He nodded finally. "Very
well. We will go."
Yoda looked pleased. "Good, good. Leave today you should."
"Today ? I-"
Yoda continued as though Qui-Gon hadn't spoken. "Master Windu
can take you." The elderly Master stood, and began to nudge
Qui-Gon toward the door. "Tell the boy now you must."
"But ?-" Qui-Gon allowed himself to be edged forward into the
open doorway, before he stopped.
Yoda seemed to sense his hesitancy, and reached out to pat
Qui-Gon's leg in an oddly comforting gesture. "Right this is
Qui-Gon. Know it you do. Know it also Obi-Wan will. Hiding he
is, hmm yes. Hard to hide in the open he will find, heh."
Qui-Gon knew the look he gave his old Master was unconvinced.
Yoda sighed, flattening his ears back. "Search your feelings
Qui-Gon, serve you they will. Let the Force guide you and the
boy. Brought you this far it has, hmm." The ancient gave his
former Padawan a small shove, pushing him through the doorway.
"All will be as it should be when Master and Padawan are
restored, " were the Jedi's parting words.
Qui-Gon recognised the dismissal and bowed his head; Yoda waved
him away impatiently. Qui-Gon turned and briskly headed back
towards his own quarters. Aldair ?....How was he going to
break this news to Obi- Wan ?
Chapter VII
Obi-Wan prowled around the room, his hands clenched into tight
fists; his whole body bristling with tense, silent fury. He had
been badly stung by Qui-Gon's parting words - even though he'd
never intended to leave their quarters. His feigned
indifference had almost broken during the brief walk here: he
had no wish to re-run the gauntlet of stares and whispers.
Obi-Wan bitterly resented being treated like a child, and a
small spark of rebelliousness challenged him to disobey. His
fear of being returned to the care of Masters Tenesh and Payan
was all that held him back. The Temple healers still only had
half a picture concerning what had happened to him - and
Obi-Wan wanted to keep it that way.
When they had arrived back on Coruscant, Obi-Wan had
steadfastly refused to allow anyone but Nezan near him,
hardening his heart against Qui-Gon's anguished concern.
Obi-Wan had let Nezan examine and treat his injuries, and had
then sworn the Cykros doctor to secrecy. Nezan had reluctantly
given his word - on one condition - that Obi-Wan agreed to tell
Qui-Gon everything.....eventually.
Obi-Wan had promised....but days had stretched into weeks, and
still he had told Qui-Gon nothing.
What could he say ? !....How could he confess that Rigel
had used his body - brutally, cruelly; making him beg and plead
and scream. How could he possibly tell his Bond mate
that he could still taste the scavenger's seed, that he could
still feel those rough calloused hands upon his skin....Still
smell Rigel's dark musky scent....and hear that
voice.......It called to him, awake or asleep....
....My little one....My Obi-Wan....
He stopped suddenly - clasping his hands over his ears as
though he could shut out the hated words - but how could he
when they were inside his head ?
The scavenger had 'stolen' some part of him, and it seemed
Rigel refused to surrender it even in death. Rigel's demise had
brought Obi-Wan no release, it had just led him into a new
Hell: this one of his own making. Obi-Wan felt as though he was
slowly sliding into madness. The gruelling katas he performed
day and night helped to relieve the torment, the physical pain
silencing his thoughts...at least for a little while. The agony
of abused muscles and bruised, broken flesh had become a
fragile reminder that somewhere beneath this icy sheath his
heart still beat.
Obi-Wan had learnt of Master Linnae's arrival by chance, when
Bant paid him a brief, awkward visit. He had finally been
forced to escape her company when the quiet, gentle pity in her
eyes became too much. Hard to bear as her sorrowful
understanding had been - it was only a fraction of the deep
sadness that haunted him in Qui-Gon's deep blue gaze.
The news that a previously Bonded Jedi was visiting the Temple
had spurred Obi-Wan into action. He had convinced himself that
he had to free Qui-Gon from their Bond - that if he was
damned he would not let the man he loved fall with him. Linnae
had been kind and honest, answering his questions without
asking any of her own; though Obi-Wan could see them clearly
enough, mingled with the concern in her dark eyes. He made his
excuses as soon as he was able to obtain the answer to his
question.
It could be done....but only if Qui-Gon agreed to it.
How could he make his Master accept that this was the only way
? That for them both to be sucked down into this spiral of
despair and darkness would serve no purpose. Obi-Wan had turned
the problem over and over in his mind...but had still found no
solution.
The sound of the door sliding open broke his reverie. He
dropped his hands to his sides and looked across just as
Qui-Gon entered. Obi-Wan sensed at once that all was not well.
Qui-Gon's whole stance radiated tension, and the Jedi Master's
expression was that of a man who came bearing news and was
unsure how it would be received.
Obi-Wan felt his anger leave him in a rush, chased away by a
flood of fear and uncertainty. What had Master Yoda said ? Had
a decision been made to end his apprenticeship ? Was his Bond
with Qui-Gon to be severed ? The very possibility crushed his
former resolve, as Obi-Wan suddenly realised that he couldn't
face losing Qui-Gon, his Master. He loved this man - it would
destroy him completely to give him up.
Unable to move, Obi-Wan stood frozen. His face felt stiff - a
brittle mask - but Qui-Gon must have seen the wild panic behind
it. The Jedi Master moved forward as if to embrace him.
However, at the last moment Qui-Gon seemed to recall Obi-Wan's
earlier skittishness and he held back.
Qui-Gon's uncertainty tore at something in Obi-Wan, and the
young man forced himself to move closer. //Master ?//
Relief lit Qui-Gon's features, softening the lines of distress
which had settled there. Obi-Wan felt his Bond mate's hands
clasp his arms lightly in a chaste embrace - one which filled
the youth with confusion. Somehow it was both too much and too
little, making him tremble with fear and ache with need.
//It's alright Obi-Wan// Qui-Gon seemed happy to be using the
more intimate communication, denied to them for so long.
//Master Yoda just wanted to know how....how things were
between us.//
Things ? Obi-Wan's eyes must have reflected his
confusion.
Qui-Gon's hold tightened slightly. //He suggested perhaps we
would benefit from going to Aldair...// Obi-Wan knew Qui-Gon
could not have missed the shudder which passed through his
frame/the tremor which shuddered through his body at these
words.
Qui-Gon seemed unhappy and hesitant. //If you do not wish to
go...?//
"No !" Obi-Wan found his voice to object. "That is, if Master
Yoda believes we should."
The older man relaxed a little. "He seems to feel we may
benefit from being away from the Temple."
Obi-Wan recalled the knowing glances and hushed voices and he
shivered again.
"Obi-Wan ?" Qui-Gon looked anxious.
Obi-Wan realised his Master was waiting for his answer. He
thought a moment - to leave Coruscant would mean space travel;
the very idea of entering a ship left him feeling nauseous.
Then there was the fact that he would be alone with
Qui-Gon........Obi-Wan sighed. He hated this; he was just so
sick of it all - so tired of being afraid, of being watched, of
seeing his Master's eyes filled with pain and concern. He just
wanted an end to it all.
All his life Obi-Wan had been taught that fear could be a
dangerous thing, that if allowed to flourish, it would lead to
the Darkside.
Fear had to be overcome.
Jaw set, eyes determined, Obi-Wan looked up at his Master.
"When do we leave ?"
Chapter VIII
Qui-Gon felt his sense of unease grow as they crossed the
hangar toward their waiting ship. His mind unwillingly replayed
the events of their previous, ill-fated departure. It didn't
take a Jedi Master's insight to realise that Obi-Wan must be
feeling the same sense of trepidation, magnified a
hundred-fold. Qui-Gon used their Bond link to send his Padawan
a wave of love and reassurance. He was faintly relieved when
Obi-Wan - looking tired and pale - responded with a small tight
smile.
Mace Windu walked ahead, allowing the Bond mates some privacy.
Obi-Wan's steps grew steadily less certain as they drew closer
to their craft, and the youth froze altogether at the bottom of
the boarding ramp. Mace noticed but disguised his concern.
"I'll check the instruments." He shared a brief, understanding
look with Qui-Gon and disappeared into the ship.
Qui-Gon was grateful for his friend's discretion. He stepped in
front of Obi-Wan - blocking the youth's view of the ship's
darkened doorway. "Obi-Wan ?" Gray-green eyes met his
hesitantly. Qui-Gon quickly schooled his features, hiding the
pain it caused him to see the usually confident young man so
cowed. He held out his hand. "Come Padawan." Obi-Wan regarded
Qui-Gon's outstretched fingers silently. Qui-Gon smiled. "Come,
" he coaxed gently.
Slowly, Obi-Wan reached for Qui-Gon's hand. The Jedi Master bit
his lip, resisting the urge to grab the young man and pull him
into his arms. When his fingers were suddenly snatched in a
desperate grip, he answered it with a comforting squeeze. A
gentle tug and Obi-Wan followed Qui-Gon up the boarding ramp.
Qui-Gon could feel Obi-Wan's heart racing as he led the young
man into the ship. Obi-Wan had grown considerably paler, and
was breathing in slow steady gulps - clearly trying to calm
himself. Qui-Gon picked up a faint fluttering of panic along
their Bond link, as they moved together through the ship; their
footsteps echoing emptily off the dull metal walkway. All
ship's passageways seemed to share this claustrophobic sense of
closeness. Certainly all had the same musty metallic smell, the
dry chilled flavour of re-cycled air, and the vibrating hum of
the engines - faint now with the ship still at rest.
All Jedi were sensitive to space travel - able to detect subtle
changes in speed and the minute adjustments in a craft's
course. Obi-Wan was particularily attuned to with this
particular manifestation of the Force; it was one of the
reasons he was such a skilled pilot; a strength which had once
brought the young man great pleasure.
No such joyous emotion now graced his Padawan's pale features.
Obi- Wan didn't relax the death-grip he had upon Qui-Gon's hand
until they entered their cabin; even then Qui-Gon had to prise
his fingers free in order to set down their belongings. The
Jedi Master was disturbed by his Padawan's almost catatonic
expression. //Obi-Wan?// Qui-Gon was relieved when Obi-Wan
looked at him - nodding briefly in acknowledgment before
crossing over to the bed. The young man stood beside it,
reaching out to brush marble white fingers along its edge.
Qui-Gon suddenly realised - he and Obi-Wan had not shared a bed
for many nights - not since Obi-Wan had sought permission to
return to his old Padawan Quarters. "Obi-Wan..I...." He
stumbled over the words, searching for what to say.
Obi-Wan turned around to face him. "It's all right." The youth
walked back to Qui-Gon, laying his hand upon the older Jedi's
arm. It felt strange to be the one receiving comfort....strange
but undeniably good. "I...I want to be with you..."
The words uncoiled some of the tension which had settled in
Qui-Gon's stomach and he smiled, clasping Obi-Wan's cold
fingers within his own.
Chapter IX
Caught within the folds of a nightmare, Obi-Wan cried out
softly in his sleep. He was alone inside the tiny cabin;
Qui-Gon had stepped out to speak with Mace Windu. The Jedi
Master had left Obi-Wan sleeping quietly, but now Obi-Wan's
dreamscape had shifted into more familiar planes. He was
running through a ship, a dark distorted passageway so narrow
the walls appeared to be closing in upon him. He was barefoot
and naked -a cold metal circlet gripping his throat. His heart
hammered frantically as he ran; gasping as he struggled to drag
the air past his constricting throat into aching, overworked
lungs.
Obi-Wan knew what would happen next. This was an old nightmare,
one which had coloured his sleep on too many nights.
No matter where he ran, which passage he followed, which door
he tried, it always ended with him running into Qui-Gon's arms.
The first night Obi-Wan had collapsed with relief, clutching at
the likeness of his lover, but the 'dream Qui-Gon' had gripped
his arms, forcing him back. Cold blue eyes had bored into him,
and an icy confusion settled in his heart. Then the image spoke
- I d o n o t k n o w y o u, and Obi-Wan had found
himself flung backwards.....
....to be caught by another, equally powerful embrace. He had
struggled, only to be spun around and held fast against Rigel's
broad chest.
The nightmare was always the same - the scavenger would lift
him up, swinging him effortlessly over one shoulder. As he was
carried away, kicking and yelling, Obi-Wan would lift his head
and look back. The 'dream Qui-Gon' would stand a moment,
staring after him, and then the cruel illusion would turn and
walk away.
Sometimes if Obi-Wan was 'fortunate' he would wake up then,
with his nightclothes stuck to his body and a cold empty ache
in his chest. On other nights he was less so, and the dream
would drift on........
This was one such night.
Obi-Wan struggled desperately; a small part of him still aware
that this was all just a dream....but his efforts were in vain.
Locked inside his mind Obi-Wan was forced to relive the agonies
inflicted upon his body. He writhed and sobbed as the tangled
sheets twisted around his legs, binding him to the bed....a
reality distorted by his nightmare - his cruel imaginings
conjuring up cold chains around his limbs.
His head thrashed back and forth against the pillows, his
features tight with distress; hands tearing desperately at the
knotted sheets. Suddenly Obi-Wan's hips arched up, his torso
lifting off the bed. His whole body trembled violently, sweat
slicked muscles straining as Obi-Wan again experienced the pain
and terror of Rigel's brutal attack.
Obi-Wan's lips parted in a silent scream, small strangled moans
escaping from the back of his throat. His nightmare reached its
zenith with the scavenger's climax; gray-green eyes shot open
and Obi-Wan collapsed back against the bed, gasping for air
like a drowning man. After a moment he turned over onto his
side, drawing his knees up against his chest. He lay, shivering
uncontrollably, his face a mask of misery and despair.
Obi-Wan's mental shield slammed down automatically during these
night terrors. As awareness returned he tightened his control,
making sure that none of the images and emotions escaped and
alerted Qui-Gon to his distress. In the darkness he could see
the bed, the sheets tangled in wild disarray; they felt damp
against his back and legs, the sweat cooling rapidly upon his
skin. Slowly, painfully he sat up, kicking his feet free of the
bedding. The metal floor was cold as he stumbled into the wash
cubicle. A small sensor light clicked on as he entered, casting
a dim glow around the tiny room.
Obi-Wan stood in front of the wash basin. He hesitated briefly
before looking up - facing his reflection in the small square
mirror fastened to the wall. Lit from above his face was
harshly shadowed - the cheeks hollow, the mouth tight and
pinched. His hair was dull with sweat, plastered flat against
his skull. Oddly colourless eyes, like clear glass, stared
blankly back at him. Obi-Wan's expression didn't seem to change
at all as he took in his appearance; perhaps only Qui-Gon would
have seen the deep sense of shame in his eyes.
Averting his eyes, Obi-Wan jabbed fiercely at the control panel
on the wall - and cold water began to trickle into the sink. He
splashed a little onto his face, then rubbed his wet fingers
through his hair, brushing it up into its normal spiky tufts.
Raising his head he caught a glimpse of his reflection, water
trickling down his face - this time he was unprepared and his
mind instantly flashed back onto another mirror.....one
suspended above a bed.....Obi-Wan felt a wave of black terror -
an uncontrolled Force burst which shattered the mirror before
him; spidery cracks shooting outwards.
Obi-Wan gripped the sides of the sink tightly and bowed his
head. The muscles across his back and shoulders tensed beneath
his skin. He stood like that for some time, breathing in and
out slowly....Then he looked back up........
A grotesquely distorted image greeted him - his own face
reflected in a thousand glittering shards. A strange twisted
smile lit Obi-Wan's face, and he reached out a tentative hand,
brushing his fingers across the broken glass. One piece was
jarred loose by the touch. It fell into the metal basin with a
tinkling clatter. Obi-Wan gazed at it thoughtfully before
lifting it out of the basin. It was cold and wet in his
fingers, the flat surface smooth and slippy, the narrow edge
razor sharp. He turned it over and over in his hand, letting
the light play across it; staring transfixed as the sharp edges
sliced into his skin. The blood seemed almost black against his
pale flesh, but as it dripped into the basin and mingled with
the water it formed crimson clouds, blossoming outwards.
Obi-Wan clenched his hand tighter, his smile growing
increasingly manic as the blood flowed faster - rich scarlet
rivulets following the creases in his skin. How easy it would
be to take this shard and use its cruel edge upon his face - to
let the icy sickness beneath his skin ooze out through the
jagged cuts. Obi-Wan's hand shook with the effort of holding
back; desperately fighting the need to bleed away the darkness
inside him, to cleanse himself of the scavenger's foul taint.
His face contorted into a grimace as he forced his hand open,
letting the sliver of mirror fall from fingers now slick with
blood. Obi-Wan used his uninjured hand to increase the flow of
water, washing away the flood of red. Exhausted, he sagged
against the wall - without thinking, he wiped his bloody hand
across his mouth. The rich coppery tang of blood assaulted him,
and with its sticky sweetness came the memories.....
Here little one. Drink........Now you have my life inside
you.......We are joined little one. Bound together......Bonded
by blood.
With a hoarse cry of horror, Obi-Wan thrust his hand beneath
the water, scrubbing at it furiously; ignoring the aching pain
as the cold sank into his wounds. Leaning low over the basin,
he scooped some of the water up into his mouth, trying to wash
away the taste. However his stomach rebelled and he brought up
what little food he had consumed that day. Obi-Wan retched
until his muscles screamed in protest and his throat burned
with the bitter taste of blood and bile. Then he slowly sank
down to the floor, resting his head against the cold stem of
the basin.
He stayed there for some time, silent tears spilling down his
cheeks; breathing in deep shuddering gulps.
Eventually Obi-Wan pulled himself upright; he stood on shaky
legs, as unsteady as a newborn. Carefully, Obi-Wan removed the
broken mirror from the wall, and washed away the last of the
blood from the sink - though the task made his stomach churn
and his head pound. He was unable to manipulate the Force
delicately enough to completely heal his hand, but he could
close the cuts, leaving only thin white lines. The dull ache
which remained was oddly comforting. Having straightened the
sheets Obi-Wan crawled back into bed, cradling his hand against
his chest....
He could still smell blood.
Sometime later Qui-Gon returned. For a moment the older man
simply stood - his expression lost in the darkness, silently
watching Obi-Wan as the youth lay, apparently sound asleep.
Then he turned and wandered through into the wash room.
Obi-Wan stiffened and unconsciously held his breath. He felt
his Master's mind brush gently against his own and knew his
'deception' had been discovered.
//Obi-Wan ?//
Obi-Wan hesitated, but it was useless to continue to feign
sleep. Finally he answered. //Y-yes...Master.//
Concern and worry filtered through their Bond link. //Are you
alright ?//
//Yes Master.//
Qui-Gon reappeared, a tall silhouette against the washroom
light. "Where is the mirror Obi-Wan ?" - a soft, deep
whisper....an innocuous question which made Obi-Wan's heart
race.
He swallowed harshly several times before he found his voice.
"I-I brok . "There is blood on
the wall Obi- Wan."
Obi-Wan's heart-rate spiked. Blood ?....Oh Gods... He
struggled to find his voice. "I...I cut myself. It...it was
nothing." Even as he spoke Qui-Gon had moved to sit beside him
on the bed. The small side lamp was turned on. Obi-Wan blinked
owlishly in the unwelcome brightness and tried to turn away.
Qui-Gon caught his shoulder gently, and turned him back. "Show
me, my love. Please."
Obi-Wan was powerless against his Bond mate's soft plea.
Reluctantly he exposed his injured hand to his Master's velvet
gaze; hating the fresh lines of worry which appeared across
Qui-Gon's brow. He opened his mouth, intending to persist in
his bluff. See. It is nothing. but he was unable to
speak. He felt oddly ashamed.
Qui-Gon stroked a warm, calloused thumb across the faint
silvery lines. Obi-Wan felt the skin across his palm tingle and
tighten as his Master sent Force healing into his hand. The
scars faded into nothing. Qui-Gon still held his hand, staring
at it as though it could speak and tell him its secret. Obi-Wan
was lost in the moment, unable to speak, unable to move away.
He watched silently as Qui-Gon lifted his hand up and placed a
gentle kiss upon his open palm. Obi-Wan felt the wet satin of
his Master's lips, the soft brush of Qui-Gon's beard and the
moist heat of his breath. Obi-Wan shivered, feeling a rush of
need and uncertainty.
Qui-Gon released him and Obi-Wan pulled back, staring at his
Master - completely unaware of the bewildered pain in his gaze.
Qui-Gon smiled sadly and stroked Obi-Wan's cheek once, before
carefully drawing back the sheets and climbing into bed.
Obi-Wan didn't try to move any further away. After a moment
Qui-Gon placed an arm around him; Obi-Wan went very still,
Qui-Gon didn't move. Slowly Obi-Wan leaned into the loose
embrace, letting the warmth of Qui-Gon's body dissipate some of
the bone-deep chill within his own.
Chapter X
Qui-Gon felt Obi-Wan relax a little, and he resisted the urge
to tighten his embrace - knowing from experience that Obi-Wan
would only panic and try to pull away. It was hard; he ached to
hold his young love close, needing the reassurance that Obi-Wan
was here - alive and whole within the circle of his arms. The
bloody smear upon the washroom wall had scared him, as did the
knowledge that Obi-Wan had lied to him. The scars marking
Obi-Wan's palm had been pale and faint, but they disguised cuts
too numerous and too savage to have been anything but
deliberate.
He had battled down the urge to demand answers from his
Padawan, taking in the young man's pale, tired features and the
barely concealed panic in gray-green eyes. Qui-Gon cursed the
time he had taken in returning - If he had come back sooner
?...Would he have arrived in time to prevent his Padawan's
injury ? Or would he have stumbled upon Obi- Wan in the act of
self-mutilation ? His gut tightened at the image.
Qui-Gon had thought it safe to leave Obi-Wan sleeping, while he
took the opportunity to have a few private words with Mace. He
did not really doubt Yoda's wisdom, but he had been plagued
with self-doubts of his own divising, and he valued his old
friend's council. Mace shared his trait of plain speaking -
something Qui-Gon valued highly, especially in a friend.
He had slipped away quietly, mindful not to wake Obi-Wan,
slightly anxious about leaving his Padawan alone. But the need
to drive the insecurities from his mind had compelled him to
go.
He had stepped into the silent cockpit with an almost audible
sigh of relief, nodding in greeting to his friend before
sinking wearily into the co-pilot's seat.
Mace's calming presence filled the cockpit, soothing Qui-Gon's
troubled spirit. They sat in a companionable silence. Finally
Mace spoke. "You have come to ask if I think this is the right
course to follow."
Qui-Gon raised an eyebrow, "You sound like Master Yoda." His
tone was dry. Mace didn't bother to reply. Qui-Gon sighed.
Mace turned to face him. "What would you have me say Qui-Gon ?
Would you have me question Yoda's judgement ?"
"No, but I would value your opinion."
Mace shook his head lightly and steepled his fingers - a habit
he was prone to when troubled or deep in thought. "I think you
both need some time together, with no distractions. A place
where you can talk. Aldair may be that place."
Qui-Gon pursed his lips, one hand drumming on his armrest.
"Hmph..perhaps," was all he said.
Mace remained silent, waiting patiently. He showed no surprise
when Qui-Gon suddenly leapt to his feet and stalked to the back
of the cockpit. "I forgot him Mace !" Qui-Gon's voice
rose in disbelief; he lifted his gaze to meet Mace's and the
pain in those dark blue eyes made the other man flinch. "How
could I do that to him ? !"
"You did not." Mace reminded him gently. "None of what
happened was your fault Qui, you must see that."
"And if I cannot ?"
"You cannot heal your Padawan while you are consumed by your
own pain, Qui-Gon."
Qui-Gon frowned. "My pain is not important."
"No-one's pain is unimportant." Mace stood and moved to stand
in front of his friend, gripping Qui-Gon's arms in a gesture of
support and comfort. "You are suffering Qui-Gon.
You are hurting, because of what happened to Obi-Wan,
and to you." He tightened his grip and shook his friend
a little when Qui-Gon would have protested. Mace tried another
approach, determined to make Qui-Gon accept what he was saying.
"Do you love Obi-Wan ?"
Qui-Gon looked shocked. "How can you ask me that ?" His voice
was rough with emotion.
Mace ignored him. "I ask you again Qui-Gon Jinn. Do you love
Obi-Wan Kenobi - Yes or no ?"
Qui-Gon's gaze grew fierce. "Yes !"
"Then why do you seek to add to his burdens ?"
"W-what ?" Qui-Gon's anger fled. Taken aback he stared at his
friend.
Mace sought to clear his friend's confusion."Obi-Wan is a Force
sensitive. You are a Bonded pair. Your pain is as voluble to
him, as his is to you."
Qui-Gon's expression reflected his dawning understanding."I am
hurting him...."
Mace rejected the guilt quickly. "You are hurting each
other. You must both face your pain and overcome it. Accept
what has happened and move past it."
"Accept ?!" Qui-Gon's anger flared up again. "How can I
accept what happened ?...What....what he did to
Obi-Wan...I..." The words choked him and he could say no more.
"You don't know what happened Qui." Mace reminded him gently.
Qui-Gon's eyes were bright with unshed tears. He tapped the
side of his head with his fingers. "Not here - no," he lay a
hand over his heart, "but here...here I know it...and
I...I..." Again his voice broke. He swallowed sharply. "I
cannot bear it Mace."
Mace's gaze flooded with compassion and he pulled his friend
forward into an embrace. When he spoke his voice was low and
determined. "You will get past this Qui. You both will. That is
what I believe." He continued to speak softly; still
holding his friend. "Jealousy and envy are emotions unworthy of
Jedi - I know this - but I also know many of us felt the
stirrings of such when we beheld you and your Padawan together.
Mace drew back a little until he could capture Qui-Gon's gaze.
"You and Obi-Wan are one with each other. When you saber
practice..." He shook his head, his voice tinged with wonder.
"I witnessed your Bonding Qui. I touched the link
between you. I....I have never felt such a Bond." Dark brown
eyes stared at Qui-Gon intently. "The Force meant this Bond to
be. It will guide you though this."
They talked a while longer. Mace's impassioned speech seemed to
have 'unlocked' something inside of Qui-Gon, and the Jedi
Master found himself able to speak of things he had hitherto
been unwilling to discuss. He did not mention the Mindus, or
Obi-Wan's addiction to it. Instead he spoke of his decision to
conceal their relationship on Neider, Obi-Wan's unhappiness,
the many misunderstandings. Mace listened while Qui-Gon
described the crash and his sense of spiralling helplessness.
"Obi-Wan became...unwell...He....I was unable to do
anything."
Finally Qui-Gon spoke of the horrors he and Obi-Wan had
suffered aboard the scavenger's ship - something he had
previously only described in the sketchiest of detail.
Haltingly Qui-Gon described their capture, the loss of all his
memories, the knife fight with the Gracian.The feeling of
knowing, yet not knowing Obi-Wan. How he'd watched the
way Rigel had touched his Padawan, and how the memory of
had sickened and revolted him.
Mace attempted to draw Qui-Gon's attention to the fact that the
Jedi Master appeared to have missed. "You still listened to
Obi-Wan. Your heart knew him. The Bond between you is
that strong. You knew him, even when your
memories were lost." Qui-Gon just nodded wearily. Mace tapped
his friend's arm lightly to get his full attention. "You blame
yourself for what happened ?"
Qui-Gon's expression was one of total despair."How can I not ?"
Mace didn't answer him directly. Instead he asked another
question. "Do you blame Obi-Wan for what happened on Naboo ?"
"What ? !" Qui-Gon made no attempt to hide his
incredulity.
Mace's tone remained calm. "He fell. You were left alone to
face the Sith." His eyes narrowed. "You were almost killed."
"Obi-Wan defeated the Sith." Qui-Gon's eyes flashed. His voice
lowered dangerously as he defended his Bond mate.
Mace paid no heed."Yes ! - While you lay dying from a
saber thrust, because he had failed to stay by your
side."
"Obi-Wan was not to blame ! The fall was through no fault of
his. He was exhausted !"
"So were you !" Mace rejoined.
"The laser walls separated us ! He tried to reach me !"
"But he failed. Yes ?"
"NO !" Qui-Gon roared his denial. "He killed the
Sith ! He saved me."
"But only after you were seriously hurt !"
"He killed the Sith. He saved us all." Qui-Gon repeated,
his tone low and insistent..
"So he didn't fail ?" Mace's tone was mild.
"No !" Qui-Gon's eyes blazed with the force of his
emotions.
Mace frowned as though confused. "But you failed him ?"
"What ? !" Qui-Gon snapped.
"On the scavenger ship. When you lost your memory and found
yourself enslaved - cut off from the Force. You freed him, but
he was hurt. So - you failed ?"
"I...?" Qui-Gon looked blankly at him.
"Don't you see Qui ? You did everything you could, just
as Obi-Wan did. He is still trying to forgive himself for
Naboo. That is the spectre which has haunted your
Padawan for so long. How can he free himself of his guilt - if
you wear yours like a brand ?"
Qui-Gon shook his head. "I....I don't know if I can
forgive myself Mace."
Mace remained firm. "You must. For both your
sakes you must. Only then can you help Obi-Wan lay his own
guilt aside." Mace's expression became grave. "Just as you
must release your hatred for this man - this
Rigel. Do not let your anger poison you Qui."
Qui-Gon nodded wordlessly.
Mace drew in a sharp breath. There was one more unpleasant
truth to face. "You blame Obi-Wan for not coming to you, for
not speaking to you." Mace hardened his heart against the pain
in his friend's gaze. "But you tell me you cannot bear
to think of it ! Don't you think he knows this ? ! He
can read it in your eyes Qui. How can he talk if you are not
yet ready to listen to what he has to say ?"
Qui-Gon absorbed all that Mace had said in silence. Eventually
he looked up, regarding his friend warmly. "Thank you." The
words were heartfelt.
Mace simply smiled, a little sadly. "I am your friend Qui.
Never forget that."
Qui-Gon stood, and lay his hand upon Mace's shoulder -
squeezing it gently. "I won't." The two men nodded to each
other, and Qui-Gon returned to his cabin.
Believing his Padawan to be asleep, Qui-Gon had taken the
opportunity to study his lover's unguarded face - noting the
lines of stress and fatigue which marred the handsome, boyish
features. Pulling himself away, Qui-Gon had wandered silently
into the washroom. The mirror's absence had struck him
instantly, his eyes automatically searching the tiny cubicle.
Just beneath the basin bowl, on the wall, he had seen the
bright red smear. Qui-Gon hadn't needed to look any closer to
know that it was blood. He had brushed his fingers over the
mark - still damp - Blood.....Obi-Wan's blood.
His heart racing, Qui-Gon had reached out to gently touch his
Padawan's mind - realising at once the young man's subterfuge -
that Obi-Wan was in fact very much awake, and merely feigning
sleep. Trying to calm the frantic pounding of his heart,
Qui-Gon had forced some semblance of calm into his voice as he
addressed his Padawan.
Obi-Wan's words had done nothing to belay his fears.
Qui-Gon stroked his fingers across Obi-Wan's wrist - the young
man's skin felt icy cold. Obi-Wan stirred, making a soft sound
of distress. Qui- Gon reached out through their link and lulled
his Bond mate back into a dreamless sleep. Qui-Gon remained
awake, too many troubled thoughts plagued his consciousness for
him to rest. Instead he attempted to meditate, hoping to find
some way forward through the Force.
Chapter XI
Some time later, Qui-Gon's meditations were interrupted by the
soft chirp of the ship's intercom, followed by Mace's deep
voice. "We are here Qui-Gon."
Qui-Gon acknowledged the call and carefully slipped out of bed,
easing himself past his Padawan's inert form. Cocooned within a
Force-spun web, Obi-Wan slept on peacefully while Qui-Gon
tended to his morning routine. When the Jedi Master had
finished, he withdrew his Force blanket and gently woke his
sleeping lover.
Obi-Wan blinked at him blearily, somewhat dazed from his first
real sleep in weeks. Gray-green eyes widened as Qui-Gon
informed the young man of their imminent arrival, and Obi-Wan
rose quickly to wash and dress.
By the time they both joined Mace in the cockpit, the Jedi
Master was already manoeuvring their craft down through a small
break in the trees. As the landing gear extended in readiness,
Obi-Wan darted out of the cockpit and raced to the main door,
clearly eager to escape the confines of the ship and struggling
hard not to show it.
Qui-Gon left Mace to join his Padawan, noting the youth's
obvious edginess with concern. The moment the ship's engines
fell silent, Obi- Wan slammed his hand against the door release
- he was out and running down the ramp as it had barely begun
to lower. The youth leapt nimbly off the end, rushing forward
to the tree-line.
Mace appeared in the doorway, but tactfully retreated inside as
Qui-Gon approached Obi-Wan.
The Jedi Master stopped a few paces behind his Padawan, taking
a moment to absorb Aldair's forgotten beauty. They stood in a
clearing, surrounded on all sides by dense, lush forest; above
them the sky was a vibrant, cloudless blue. Qui-Gon let his
head drop back and closed his eyes, letting the sun's pleasing
warm bathe his face. The forest was alive with bird song and
the colourful chatter of insects. Qui-Gon inhaled deeply,
drawing in the scent of fresh greenery and the rich honeyed
fragrance of flowers and tree blossom.
"It's beautiful." Obi-Wan's hushed tones were filled with
youthful wonder.
Qui-Gon opened his eyes and looked at his lover. Obi-Wan stood,
one hand resting on the broad trunk of a cacia tree, gazing up
at the light filtering through the leafy canopy. The sun's
beams caught the young man's hair - turning glints of burnished
copper-gold into vibrant, fiery red, bringing a warm blush of
colour to Obi-Wan's pale cheeks.
"Yes...Yes it is." Something in Qui-Gon's tone must have
revealed that he was no longer speaking of Aldair. Obi-Wan
glanced back over his shoulder and offered his Master a shy
smile.
Qui-Gon's heartbeat quickened, and with difficulty he curbed a
foolish grin. "I'll get our things." He turned to head back to
his ship.
"Wait, I-I'll help." Obi-Wan gave the forest one last longing
look and hurried over to Qui-Gon; who, much to Mace's
amusement, was grinning in a most un-Master-like way as they
unloaded the supplies. There wasn't much, though Qui-Gon had
chosen to lean towards caution this time - bringing food and
warm clothing as well as a water purification unit.
When they were done Mace came forward to bid them farewell.
Qui-Gon embraced his friend tightly; behind them Obi-Wan
glowered silently. Qui-Gon sensed the young man's spark of
jealousy, and reached out along their Bond link. Obi-Wan
responded with a brief chastened, guilt- tinged touch, before
withdrawing.
Mace and Qui-Gon moved apart. "Be well my friend," Mace's dark
eyes were still worried; he looked over Qui-Gon's shoulder.
"May the Force be with you Obi-Wan." The deep concern in Mace's
gaze and the absence of the more usual - 'Padawan' - in his
address, seemed to leave the young man speechless, and Obi-Wan
simply ducked his head, colouring a little.
Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan gathered up their things and left the
clearing, moving through the trees as the ship took off behind
them. Qui-Gon had a long range communicator to summon a ship
for their return journey, but until then they were alone.
Chapter XII
Obi-Wan stalked restlessly around the camp, staying in the
shadows - clearly avoiding both the fire's flickering light and
Qui-Gon's company. Qui-Gon could sense the young man's
escalating distress - as Obi-Wan found himself trapped with no
where to run. Yoda was right, Qui-Gon reflected ruefully, there
was nowhere to hide in the open.
As he watched his Padawan pace around the clearing, Qui-Gon
took the time to gather his thoughts. He realised Obi-Wan was
not the only one who had been hiding. He had allowed the young
man to retreat, letting Obi-Wan return to his old Padawan
quarters unwilling to provoke any kind of confrontation -
afraid to have his suspicions turned into painful truths.
Qui-Gon had also feared that he would inadvertent push the
young man further away. Now, Qui-Gon could see that in his
overpowering concern as Obi-Wan's Bond mate, he was neglecting
his duty as a Master. He should not be waiting for his Padawan
to approach him; as a Master it was his duty to drive this
darkness into the open - to expose it and destroy the hold it
had over them.
This silence was hurting them both.
"Obi-Wan !" His voice carried across the clearing.
Obi-Wan stopped mid-stride, and slowly turned to face him. Even
with the young man's face concealed in shadow, Qui-Gon could
detect his Padawan's spiralling panic. He softened his voice,
but kept his tone firm. "Sit down, Padawan." Obi-Wan obeyed the
order silently, slipping forward to sit hunched up beside the
fire.
Qui-Gon beheld the tightly huddled form of his unhappy Padawan
and sighed. They were both tired and tense from the trip. Was
anything to be gained from pushing too hard, too soon ? He made
a decision. "My home world was much like this." Qui-Gon seldom
spoke of his childhood, and as Obi-wan looked up, the Jedi
Master knew he had sparked the young man's interest. "The sky
turned just this shade of violet when night drew in. The air-"
he breathed deeply, "the air smelt sweet like this." For a
moment the memories caught and held him, Obi-Wan's voice broke
him free.
"Cantarra."
Qui-Gon glanced across at his Padawan, who seemed startled by
the sound of his own voice - as though the name of Qui-Gon's
homeworld had sprung forth of its own volition. Qui-Gon nodded.
"Of course," he said with a wry smile, "had we sat around like
this on Cantarra, a seerut would have picked us off by now."
"A seerut ?"
"Picture a small rancor, with fur and longer talons."
"Longer talons ? !" Obi-Wan echoed, incredulous.
Qui-Gon's grin widened. "How... 'delightful'" the young man
added dryly.
"They didn't trouble us during the rainy season, when they fed
off the menachaa. A large herbivore, " Qui-Gon supplied, seeing
Obi-Wan's puzzled look. "But in the winter the menachaa herds
migrated east, and we became the seerut's largest prey."
Qui-Gon had Obi-Wan's full attention now. The youth had turned
around to face him, and was listening raptly. The earlier
tension had all but disappeared.
Qui-Gon continued with his tale. "We were forbidden to use
certain tracks and routes during the winter months, which made
travelling anywhere an arduous process. Children were forbidden
to leave the safety of the villages, unless accompanied by an
adult."
"But you left anyway ?" Obi-Wan guessed. His eyes glittered in
anticipation of his Master's confession.
Qui-Gon nodded. "I had a friend in a neighbouring village, I
wanted to see him before I left. No one would take me, so I
decided to go by myself." He shrugged, slightly abashed. "I was
full of my own courage - wilful and stubborn I believe was the
popular description. I snuck out when everyone was busy
clearing up after supper. I had to go through the woods."
Qui-Gon gazed into the camp fire, reliving the memory.
"Everything was silent, and eerily light, the moon was full. I
knew the seerut liked to hunt on such nights, but I was
determined, and I had my hunting knife. I had been walking for
quite some time, I was deep in the trees - then I heard it
!....I didn't look back, I just ran !" Qui-Gon shook his
head in wonder, aghast at his own foolishness. "I fell into
ditches, streams, scrambled up muddy banks, branches tore at my
hands and face. I dropped my knife. Then I fell over a tree
root. Over my own pounding heart I could hear its breathing. I
turned to look behind me and then I saw it..." Qui-Gon paused,
enjoying the 'drama' of the moment..
"Yes ? !" Obi-Wan demanded impatiently.
Qui-Gon hid a smile, pleased to see his Padawan so caught up in
his telling. "A glyff."
"A glyff ?" Obi-Wan repeated, clearly puzzled.
"About knee high, soft fur, big brown eyes. They eat gandala
berries. They have to mash them between their tongue and their
palette - they don't have any teeth."
"No teeth !" Obi-Wan grinned.
Qui-Gon shook his head smiling broadly, both in recollection of
the memory, and in response to his Padawan's mirth.
"So," Obi-Wan's eyes were shining, "let me get this right. You
ran through a forest, falling into bogs and getting thwacked by
branches, because you were being chased by a small, soft,
cuddly-" Obi-Wan emphasised the word gleefully.
"Herbivore." Qui-Gon supplied helpfully, "Yes."
Obi-Wan released a soft snort of laughter, clearly delighted
picturing his dignified Master in such a state, trembling at
the feet of such an animal.
"I was very young." Qui-Gon defended lightly.
"How young ?"
Qui-Gon shrugged. "About nine, I was home for a brief family
visit - my father was unwell."
"You've never spoken of them much." Obi-Wan said softly.
"There isn't much to tell. I grew up in a small fairly poor
village. I had a father, a mother, two brothers-"
"Brothers ?" Obi-Wan sounded surprised.
Qui-Gon nodded. "Hmm. Mendjar and Kel. Mendjar was much older,
he had a wife and a child of his own by then." Qui-Gon poked
the fire with a stick, sending up a shower of sparks. "Kel was
closer to my age."
"Do you miss him ?" Obi-Wan asked.
Qui-Gon knew the young man was thinking of his own half brother
- Owen. "In truth ? No, not really. We were never close, I left
home before I was five." He thought back, wanting to give
Obi-Wan a better answer. "I think he knew that I
was...'different', and he found that hard to deal with."
Obi-Wan didn't say anything, he was looking into the fire, his
expression thoughtful. Qui-Gon knew Obi-Wan wasn't close to
Owen, and no longer visited the place of his birth. Qui-Gon
considered his words carefully. "Some would believe that we
sacrifice a great deal in leaving our families, our homeworlds.
To be raised in a Temple on a strange world, by people to whom
we have no blood ties." Qui-Gon paused, checking that he had
Obi-Wan's full attention; gray-green eyes were fixed upon him
intently. He continued. "I have never felt that way. The Force,
our beliefs, our way of life binds us in a way deeper than
blood. The Temple has always been a home to me, the Jedi are my
kin."
Obi-Wan nodded. "I....I feel that too, Master."
Qui-Gon nodded. "And you Obi-Wan," he cleared his throat, his
voice rough with emotion, "you are my family." Obi-Wan
looked at him, gray-green eyes searching his face; for what
Qui-Gon didn't know, but he met his Bond mate's gaze steadily.
Suddenly Obi-Wan looked away - drawing his knees up - wrapping
his arms around his legs defensively. Qui-Gon sat patiently. He
didn't have long to wait.
"I stole from you." Obi-Wan's voice was so soft, Qui-Gon had to
strain to hear it. "I....I needed something to trade." The
young man chewed on his lower lip miserably. Qui-Gon kept his
face carefully composed, and again waited for Obi-Wan to
continue. After a moment the youth did. "I...We...It was for
the trip here. I couldn't sleep any more." Obi-Wan's gaze grew
haunted. "Not without the Mindus...I needed it."
He stopped. Qui-Gon regarded his Padawan thoughtfully. "So you
traded something of mine for it."
Obi-Wan's head shot up, his gaze distraught. "I'm
sorry ! I..I know I shouldn't have taken it, but
I....I didn't have anything left." The young man dragged in a
shuddering breath, "So I-I took your focusing crystal. The one
you keep locked in the case in the b-bottom of your chest." A
solitary tear slipped down Obi-Wan's cheek, the young man wiped
at it savagely, but it only seemed to trigger the others
release, and the young man dropped his head - clearly ashamed.
Qui-Gon stood and moved closer his weeping Padawan. Crouching
down, he gently tipped the young man's head back. "Thank you,
Obi-Wan."
The young man blinked at him, red-gold lashes spiky with tears.
"W-what ?"
"For having the courage to tell me the truth." Qui-Gon raised
his hand and gently wiped at his Padawan's tears.
Obi-Wan's eyes widened in comprehension. "You..you knew !"
Qui-Gon nodded.
"B-but...but how ?" The youth looked stunned.
"I am still your Master, Padawan." Qui-Gon smiled and leaning
forward slowly, dropped a light kiss upon Obi-Wan forehead.
He drew back. Obi-Wan was still staring at him as though he'd
turned into a Hutt. "Y-you aren't angry ?"
"You were not yourself when you took it Obi-Wan. Should I
punish you for something you did when you were unwell ?"
Qui-Gon asked.
Obi-Wan looked uneasy. "I-I don't know."
Qui-Gon sighed. "Well, then you must accept your Master's
judgment on this matter. It's late. I don't know about you, but
these old bones need a rest."
Obi-Wan recovered a little of his composure. "You're not old,"
he blurted out.
Qui-Gon smiled. "Perhaps not, but I am tired. Come
Obi-Wan, enough for tonight." Qui-Gon gathered his robe around
him and lay down beside the fire; he looked up at his Padawan.
"Obi-Wan ?"
The soft invitation was swiftly accepted. Obi-Wan only too
eager to end the evening's discussion. The youth lay down with
his back against Qui- Gon's chest, his head pillowed on his
arm. However, after a moment he turned around and nestled
closer, placing his face against Qui-Gon's chest. Qui-Gon was
almost afraid to move. He caught his breath when Obi-Wan's arm
shyly came up to settle round ly. However, his alarm
faded as he sensed Obi-Wan was somewhere close by. Standing, he
absently brushed a few stray leaves and strands of grass from
his robe before setting off to find his Padawan.
They had set up camp in a clearing by the edge of a lake.
Qui-Gon discovered Obi-Wan a little further down the shore,
standing on top of a large flat boulder, performing a simple
but fairly strenuous kata. Qui-Gon felt a pang of anxiety,
knowing his Padawan was still far from well. He stifled the
urge to call the young man down. Instead he clambered up onto
the rock - taking up a stance beside his Padawan.
Obi-Wan faltered slightly at his Master's approach, but
recovered quickly. His hands cut through the air - slow,
precise; every movement was executed with perfect poise and
balance. The young man kicked his legs up and forward, landing
on the balls of his bare feet. He carried the movement through.
Pivoting, still on the balls of his feet, he swept his arms low
and arched his body backwards until the tip of his braid grazed
the rock. Gray-green eyes burned with concentration, this
exercise requiring the total harmony of mind and body.
Curving his body back still further, Obi-Wan placed his hands
flat upon the rock and neatly flipped himself over. He stood to
face Qui-Gon, soft golden spikes haloed in the sunlight, his
skin glistening with sweat. Qui-Gon didn't speak, instead he
used gesture - formally requesting permission to join his
Padawan. Obi-Wan inclined his head a fraction and moved aside -
starting the kata again from the first movement. Slipping off
his robe, Qui-Gon joined him.
Master and Apprentice, moving together in perfect
synchronisation. Their hands reaching out, combing through the
air. Behind them the sun rose slowly, the blush of dawn
gradually transforming into the brilliant blue of day.
By the time they'd finished, both men's bodies gleamed with
sweat. Turning, they faced one another and bowed, formally
completing the kata. As they took a step back and relaxed,
Qui-Gon smiled warmly at his Padawan. He felt a rush of
pleasure when Obi-Wan's mouth curled up in an answering grin.
"Breakfast ?" he suggested.
Obi-Wan shook his head. "A swim first."
Qui-Gon raised his eyebrows, but followed his Padawan down from
the rock. Obi-Wan led the way across the stony shore toward the
water's edge. Qui-Gon called after him."You do realise,
Obi-Wan, that the lake will be freezing this early ?"
Obi-Wan kept walking. "It will be refreshing."
Qui-Gon decided he must be getting old. Muttering,
"Refreshing ?" under his breath, he began to remove his boots.
Obi-Wan appeared to have heard his disgruntled mumble. The
young man looked back and flashed him an impudent grin. Qui-Gon
decided that, was worth the discomfort of an icy dip.
The Jedi Master noticed, but made no comment, when his Padawan
forwent his usual habit of swimming nude. Instead the young man
kept on his under-tunic, gasping as he waded into the water.
Qui-Gon smirked a little as he came to join his Padawan. "Cold
?" he inquired innocently.
Obi-Wan glowered. Then the corner of his mouth twitched.
Qui-Gon almost missed it. He raised his arm - just in time to
deflect a twisting funnel of icy water from striking him full
in the face. He used the Force to turn it back against his
protagonist - who yelped - receiving a swift soaking, before
the water was again redirected. This time back down into the
lake.
Qui-Gon regarded his dripping Padawan with gentle amusement.
"You must learn to guard your expression more carefully,
Obi-Wan."
Obi-Wan wiped the water out of his eyes. Murmuring a somewhat
sullen, "Yes Master."
Qui-Gon took pity on the youth. He smiled kindly. "Come, my
love. Let's swim before we both freeze."
Growing up with a best friend who was as much at home in
water as she was out of it, had certainly benefited Obi-Wan.
The young man was completely comfortable in the lake's unknown
depths. Qui-Gon trod water for a while, content to simply watch
his Padawan swimming confidently back and forth, with barely a
ripple in his wake. Eventually however, hunger won him over.
//Time to eat, Obi-Wan.//
//Hmm ?...Oh. Just a while longer.// Obi-Wan pleaded, sounding
so much like the boy he had been, that Qui-Gon had to smile.
//Now, Padawan. Before you grow gills, and I need a hook
and line to catch you !//
Grumbling softly, the young man obeyed. They paused a moment to
gather up their things and then wandered back to the camp.
Chapter XIV
Breakfast was a leisurely affair, even if at times the silences
stretched out a little longer than was comfortable. Qui-Gon
followed his Padawan's lead, stretching out on the warm earth,
letting the sun's generous heat dry their clothes and bodies.
He was relieved that his Padawan's appetite appeared to have
improved. Overall, Obi-Wan was still pale and drawn, but he at
least now had a little colour in his cheeks, and his
eyes had lost that eerie, glassy transparency.
However, as they finished Qui-Gon could sense his Padawan's
increasing agitation. He stood, holding out a hand to the youth
- who regarded it warily. "Come, Obi-Wan. Let me show you some
of the places I found during my first stay here." Obi-Wan
hesitantly accepted the hand-up, but as soon as he was on his
feet he pulled his fingers away as though stung. Qui-Gon
concealed the stab of pain the action caused, wordlessly
motioning for Obi-Wan to join him as he slowly walked away.
Aldair's lush green landscape seemed to have a calming affect
on Obi- Wan. Qui-Gon sensed his Padawan's unease fading as they
walked. The Jedi Master worked to dissipate the tension still
further, deliberately taking up the role of Teacher to instruct
his Padawan in Aldair's background history - its economy,
culture and resources. Once that topic was exhausted, he moved
on to discussing the planet's rich and varied plant and animal
life. Always inquisitive and eager to learn, Obi-Wan relaxed as
he listened intently, occasionally interjecting a question or
comment of his own. This aspect of their relationship was in no
way new to them, and they fell into it with the ease of
long-held familiarity.
They lunched by a small waterfall, one of many Qui-Gon had
hunted out as a young man. After they had eaten they hiked up a
rocky incline, pausing frequently to 'take in the view' and so
Qui-Gon could discreetly check his Padawan's progress. Obi-Wan
was far more tired than he would normally have been from such
simple exertions, but not worryingly so. Still, somewhere near
the halfway point Qui-Gon decided against going on any further
and insisted - quite firmly - on heading back to camp. Obi- Wan
protested, but Qui-Gon was adamant. "We have time Obi-Wan. We
can continue this climb another day."
He began to head back down. With obvious reluctance, Obi-Wan
trudged after him.
Chapter XV
Obi-Wan's mercurial mood shifted again as they reached the camp
site. He had become increasingly withdrawn on the way back,
falling completely silent as they re-entered the forest.
Qui-Gon found himself picking up stray emotions along their
link - one of which troubled him greatly - fear. Obi-Wan
was afraid. He was concerned that Obi-Wan didn't seem to be
making any effort to contain these drifting emotions - not that
he wanted the young man to - but this indifference was as
frightening in its way as Obi-Wan's earlier icy control had
been.
Qui-Gon was aware that the day's apparent normalcy had been, at
least in part, an illusion. Despite his outwardly relaxed
demeanour he had been watching his Bond mate like a hawk, and
the wrongness of it all had jarred at him painfully. Alone like
this they would usually have walked close enough to brush up
against one another, laying an arm around a waist or linking
hands. Here and now, Obi-Wan held himself aloof. The young man
had maintained a discreet physical distance between them all
day, consciously careful that no part of their bodies touched.
The exception had been that one, brief instant when Qui-Gon had
assisted Obi-Wan to his feet, something which seemed to have
caused the young man no small amount of stress.
What was it that had caused this ? Obi-Wan had slept in his
arms all night. Why now was he pulling away ? In that random
thought Qui-Gon realised he had his answer. Obi-Wan was
attempting to re-establish the barrier that had been partially
eroded over the past few days - ever since the young man's
emotional outburst in the Temple infirmary. Obi-Wan had let a
little of his tight control slip, and it was terrifying him.
Control was important to a Jedi, but it had to be tempered with
trust.
Obi-Wan had lost the ability to trust - even Qui-Gon....or
indeed himself.
Qui-Gon glanced across to where Obi-Wan sat, picking
disinterestedly at his supper. It was time. They had to
talk, but first he needed a moment to centre his
thoughts."Obi-Wan ? Why don't you fetch us some more firewood,
while I clear away these things." The youth nodded listlessly
and put down his plate. Qui-Gon discreetly watched his Padawan
moving around the camp gathering up handfuls of dry kindling,
before turning his attention back to his own task.
Qui-Gon took the plates down to the lake to swill them. When he
returned Obi-Wan was no where in sight. The young man's dark
brown robe lay on the ground where he had left it. Trying to
quell a flare of panic, Qui-Gon felt out along there Bond link,
and discovered two things which made his heart beat faster -
first Obi-Wan was some distance away, and second the youth was
shielding himself tightly. Dropping the plates, Qui-Gon left at
once to find his Bond mate.
Chapter XVI
Qui-Gon found Obi-Wan sitting on the edge of a rocky overhang,
one leg hanging down into space, the other pulled up tight
against his chest. Below them the forest lay in total darkness,
the trees reduced to simple jagged silhouettes. Above, the sky
flushed pink and orange as day merged into night, drawing out
an expanse of shimmering silver stars.
"Obi-Wan ?" Qui-Gon's low voice cut through the stillness.
Obi-Wan slowly dragged himself to his feet and wandered over.
The young man stopped a few paces from Qui-Gon - his arms
hugging his chest protectively. "We need to talk, Obi-Wan."
Obi-Wan glanced away, looking out across the shadowed valley.
He shrugged. "I don't know what you want me to say, Qui-Gon."
Qui-Gon waited until Obi-Wan's gaze drew back. "We need to talk
about what happened."
Obi-Wan shook his head vehemently. "I-I can't." His arms
tightened around his body.
"Obi-Wan-" Qui-Gon took a step forward, but stopped sharply
when Obi- Wan stumbled back, his expression suddenly fierce.
"What to you want to know Qui-Gon ? !" Gray-green eyes
glittered dangerously as Obi-Wan snarled out the words. "Do
you want to hear how he chained me to his bed and drove needles
into my body ? !"
Qui-Gon flinched.
"Or how he thrust himself down my throat until I choked ?
!" Obi-Wan was panting wildly, his eyes fixed and glassy.
"No ? !" he taunted, seemingly indifferent to Qui-Gon's
distraught gaze. "Well. Perhaps you'd rather hear how he
shoved my legs up against my chest and slammed into me until I
screamed ? ! Obi-Wan's voice had risen hysterically. "I
did !...I screamed ! I cried !....I begged !" He
drew out the last word, pushing his face up into Qui-Gon's. His
voice dropped to a broken whisper. "That's right ! I
begged !...and I cried...I cried." Suddenly Obi-Wan
stopped.
Qui-Gon stood, shaking; his face white, eyes dark with shock.
Obi-Wan blinked hard and took a step back, his expression one
of dawning horror. Then he turned and ran.
For a fraction of a heartbeat, Qui-Gon stood as though frozen.
Then he shook himself free and tore after his fleeing lover.
Chapter XVII
Qui-Gon occasionally caught glimpses of his Padawan's pale
form, as he plunged through the forest. The Jedi Master paid no
heed to the branches which tore at his face, pushing them aside
impatiently as he ploughed through the dense undergrowth.
Instinctively he used the Force to guide him over unseen
obstacles - gnarled roots and hidden burrows.
However Obi-Wan had several advantages - a head start, youth,
and a form far better suited to struggling through thick
undergrowth - and Qui- Gon quickly lost sight of his Padawan.
Trying to control the savage knot of fear tightening around
him, Qui-Gon stopped. Closing his eyes he drew in several deep
breaths, focusing on the Bond link, letting it guide him to
Obi-Wan.
Opening his eyes, Qui-Gon set off again, cutting past the camp
- heading toward the lake.
Obi-Wan stood with his back to the shore, waist deep in the icy
black water. Qui-Gon plunged in, his robe swirling out around
him dragging him back. Qui-Gon fought against its pull to reach
his Padawan's side.
The young man had torn off his tunic top and was scrubbing
furiously at his skin - leaving long, bloody scratches down his
arms and chest. In between frantic breathy sobs he was
murmuring feverishly. "He's inside me....He's inside me..."
Qui-Gon wrapped his arms around the weeping youth, staying
Obi-Wan's hands. Obi-Wan struggled. "No ! I need to get
clean....I have to get clean...I have to !"
"Obi-Wan...p-please...." Qui-Gon's voice broke.
But Obi-Wan was beyond reason. Something seemed to have snapped
inside the youth, and he kicked and fought in a crazed frenzy,
bucking against Qui-Gon, striking out blindly with his fists.
His protests reduced to wordless howls of suffering.
Qui-Gon staggered as Obi-Wan's pain tore through him. In
desperation he used the Force to contain the young man's
thrashing limbs.
Obi-Wan's heart-rending cries finally stopped, and the youth
went frighteningly still, collapsing heavily into Qui-Gon's
arms.
Qui-Gon lifted him up - half carrying, half dragging the
unresisting youth back to the shore.
Without pausing, Qui-Gon flung off his heavy wet robe and
carried Obi- Wan back to camp.
Qui-Gon set the unresponsive youth down by the fire, and
grabbed some blankets from their supplies. He dried Obi-Wan
quickly; using the Force to heal the shallow scratches which
scored the icy skin. Then he sat down and drew Obi-Wan against
his chest, wrapping the dry blankets around them both. He held
the youth tightly, tucking Obi-Wan's head under his chin.
With his arms wrapped around his lover, Qui-Gon rocked Obi-Wan
gently.
Slowly, the eery stillness drained away and Obi-Wan began to
shiver. Qui-Gon could feel the violent tremors wracking the
young man's body.
"He...He hurt me !" A thin angry wail, tinged with disbelief.
Behind the words the silent cry - How could this happen to
me ? !
Qui-Gon didn't try to contain his own tears. They flowed freely
down his face even as he tried to comfort his weeping lover. "I
know....I know.." His voice shook with pain and anger.
"He raped me" - a horrified whisper.
Qui-Gon went very still. In truth he had already known. Obi-Wan
had said as much, but to hear the word - to know the
fear which had haunted him day and night was now a cold harsh
reality - broke his heart.
He lay his cheek against Obi-Wan's head. "I-I know, " he
whispered softly. Obi-Wan suddenly twisted in his grasp,
fingers clutching at him desperately. Qui-Gon fought to remain
calm in the face of Obi-Wan's wild-eyed panic. //I love
you.// He let everything he felt for the young man pour out
through their Bond link - a powerful wave of pure emotion.
Obi-Wan stopped struggling. Qui-Gon felt the tentative touch of
his lover's mind against his own. Then Obi-Wan lifted his head,
his lips seeking Qui-Gon's blindly, kissing him through the
stinging salt of tears. Qui-Gon repeated his fervent
declaration, returning Obi-Wan's desperate kisses with his own.
//I love you...I love you...//
They clung to each other, riding out the storm of bitter grief.
Mourning all that they had lost, and all that had been taken
from them.
After a time, drained by their emotions, they lay back - limbs
entwined, comforted by the closeness. It was exhaustion rather
than sleep which finally took them. Qui-Gon's arms locked
around his lover, who held him no less fiercely.
Chapter XVIII
Qui-Gon was nudged awake by the morning sun, its vibrant rays
bright against his closed lids. Reluctantly he opened them,
wincing as the brilliant glare struck his eyes. He struggled
back to full awareness, hampered by that lightheaded-weariness
which often follows emotional release.
Obi-Wan lay asleep in his arms, face pressed against his chest.
Qui-Gon tightened his hold reflexively; reassured by the warm,
lax weight of his lover's body. At the slight movement Obi-Wan
stirred, sighing softly; his head dropped back a little
revealing a face still stained with tears. Qui- Gon sadly
brushed a finger down the salty tracks, the evidence of Obi-
Wan's spent grief.
Long golden lashes fluttered open and gray-green eyes stared at
him, their sleepy depths clouded with uncertainty. Qui-Gon
smiled, lowering his head to place a light kiss upon Obi-Wan's
slightly parted lips. After a moment's tremulous hesitation,
Obi-Wan returned the kiss, deepening it almost shyly. Qui-Gon
felt a ripple of pleasure as he tasted the sweetness of his
Bond mate. Despite his rising desire he was careful to let
Obi-Wan guide the encounter. So it was Obi-Wan who eventually
broke the kiss - drawing back - a little breathless, his face
flushed. Qui-Gon had not intended the kiss to go so far, and he
searched his Bond mate anxiously for any sign of distress.
Obi-Wan's eyes reflected only love and trust but Qui-Gon had to
be sure. He reached out along their Bond link and felt love,
desire, need...a trace of uncertainty, but no fear.
Obi-Wan lay quiescent in his arms, allowing the gentle mental
probing.
Finally, reassured, Qui-Gon withdrew.
Obi-Wan's look of tender understanding almost broke him, and
Qui-Gon felt the scalding sting of tears behind his eyes. He
stroked a finger across Obi-Wan's cheek, letting it drift down
to touch the kiss-swollen mouth. Obi-Wan pressed his lips
against the calloused tip. //I-I love you.//
Qui-Gon felt his throat constrict. He caught Obi-Wan's hand
gently, threading the cold fingers through his own. //I love
you too.//
//Always ?//
The faint edge of desperation cut Qui-Gon deeply.
//Always// He echoed fervently.
Obi-Wan shivered slightly and Qui-Gon drew him closer.
They lay silently in each other's arms, until the needs of the
day eventually forced them to rise. By unspoken agreement they
remained in camp.
For most of the day, Obi-Wan sat silently beside the unlit
fire. Qui-Gon felt the young man's withdrawal was contemplative
rather than defensive, and he didn't intrude on the young man's
thoughts. Instead he spent the day meditating, following Mace's
advice - trying to releasing the anger which still burned
inside him.
As darkness fell, Qui-Gon gathered up some fresh wood and
rebuilt the fire. Obi-Wan watched him silently. Once the fire
was lit, Qui-Gon sat down opposite his Padawan. He gazed into
the flickering flames, watching as the sparks drifted up into
the night sky. The fire's hypnotic spell was broken when
Obi-Wan stood - slipping off his tunic top - walking around the
fire to kneel without a word at Qui-Gon's feet.
Startled, Qui-Gon addressed his Padawan. "Obi-Wan ?"
Obi-Wan remained mute, the firelight casting his face in bronze
and shadow, masking his expression. His hair gleamed dark
red-gold. Qui- Gon swallowed. "Obi-" Fire hot fingers pressed
against his lips, silencing him. Obi-Wan shook his head gently.
The fingers withdrew slowly. Qui- Gon sat and waited.
Obi-Wan stared, eyes dark - unreadable. Qui-Gon tried to reach
his Bond mate through their link and felt a flare of panic as
he encountered Obi- Wan's mental shield. He opened his mouth to
speak, and again felt the touch of Obi-Wan's fingers upon his
lips, stifling the words before they could be spoken. In an
agony of silence he waited. Obi-Wan must have sensed his
distress - for an instant the bronze mask lifted, and a tender
smile curved the young man's lips. Then it was gone, and
Qui-Gon was again faced with the strange fiery sprite.
This time the fingers didn't withdraw. Instead they stroked
through his beard, following the line of his jaw up to trace
the whorls of an ear. Then higher still - whispering across his
brow, fluttering over both eyelids. Down the strong, broken
line of his nose. Back to touch his lips once. The other hand
rose to join the first, and both slipped behind his head.
Qui-Gon felt the tie which bound his hair being gently coaxed
loose. It fell away and both hands combed through the freed
strands. Qui-Gon breathed deeply, closing his eyes, letting his
head fall back.
The hands moved away.
Qui-Gon opened his eyes. One finger came back, trailing down
his throat, pushing aside the folds of his tunic to touch his
collar bone. Tugging the cloth away a little further to expose
a nipple. Qui-Gon held his breath. The hand moved away and
Qui-Gon exhaled sharply. Gray- green eyes lifted to his -
flames dancing in their depths.
The fingers continued their slow exploration. Obi-Wan's face
was still expressionless, his mental shield firmly in place.
However there was nothing impersonal about this contact -
Qui-Gon was burning from its intensity, sweat trickling down
his back, his mouth dry.
Both hands traced the muscles of his arms, Obi-Wan seemingly
fascinated by the softer skin on the underside of each wrist,
rubbing a thumb over it maddeningly, then lifting it to his
lips. The tip of a tongue darted out, flickering across the
delicate pattern of veins. Qui-Gon tried to breathe slowly, his
heart pounding in his chest.
Obi-Wan's hands swept downwards, stroking Qui-Gon's sides and
across his stomach, before settling on his thighs. Qui-Gon's
muscles twitched involuntarily. At the tiny movement Obi-Wan
again looked up - this time he held Qui-Gon's gaze. Short nails
grazed Qui-Gon's skin, sliding up the insides of his legs.
Then, one hand moved to lay over his erection, the flesh hard
and hot beneath the thin layer of tunic. Qui-Gon gasped.
"Obi-Wan !" Part exclamation, part warning.
Obi-Wan's gaze dropped between Qui-Gon's legs, but he didn't
move his hand. Shaking, Qui-Gon took hold of his Padawan's
fingers, wrapping them gently within his own and guiding them
away. Obi-Wan didn't resist. "What do you want Obi-Wan ?" There
was a bewildered desperation to Qui-Gon's tone.
Obi-Wan didn't speak. Instead the young man pulled his hand
free and leaned forward - trying to kiss Qui-Gon. With inhuman
effort Qui-Gon drew back, his voice hoarse."W-wait."
Qui-Gon was trapped by an agony of longing. He wanted
Obi-Wan, but he had to know that Obi-Wan wanted this
too. "Tell me Obi-Wan, please. What do you want
?"
Obi-Wan looked frustrated, a furrow forming across his brow.
Again the young man attempted to push forward to kiss his
lover, and again Qui- Gon held him back. Obi-Wan's eyes
narrowed, clearly displeased at being thwarted. Qui-Gon felt as
though he were being slowly torn apart. "Obi- Wan, please tell
me-"
"You." Obi-Wan hissed. "I want you". Green eyes
glittered. Then the madness faded and Obi-Wan leaned against
Qui-Gon trembling. His voice muffled against the Jedi Master's
chest. "Love me Qui-Gon. Please..j-just love me..."
Obi-Wan's mental shield collapsed, and Qui- Gon was struck with
a wave of almost frantic longing and a cold, aching despair.
Qui-Gon couldn't have refused if the Force itself had demanded
it.
He stroked the back of Obi-Wan neck with his thumb, feeling the
soft hairs stiffen slightly. Obi-Wan lifted his head, and
Qui-Gon brought both hands around to cup the young man's face.
The strange madness had faded, gray-green eyes now shimmering
with unshed tears. Qui-Gon lowered his head slowly, letting his
lips graze over his lover's. Then he drew back - looking
askance at Obi-Wan.
Permission sought.....
.......and granted in Obi-Wan's gaze.
This time the kiss was deeper - still tender - but no longer
chaste. Obi- Wan trembled, and Qui-Gon made to draw away.
Obi-Wan pulled him back, kissing him with an urgent, awakening
hunger. Qui-Gon broke away finally, but only to cover Obi-Wan's
face in tiny desperate kisses - tasting cheeks, brows,
eyelids....nibbling the line of a strong jaw. Biting more
firmly on the cleft of a chin, sucking at it. Obi-Wan tipped
his head back allowing Qui-Gon access to the arc of his throat.
Qui-Gon gripped his Padawan's shoulders, his desire spiralling
into uncontrolled heat. He could feel Obi-Wan's pleasure - the
young man gasping and moaning, trying to pull him closer.
Qui-Gon lay back, gently tugging his Padawan down with him, his
hands stroking the youth's fire-hot skin.
Obi-Wan writhed and whimpered. Beneath Qui-Gon's touch his
whole body was liquid flame. Slow, sweet, burning
torture. He felt his Master's strong fingers stroke down
his sides. One hand stopped over his belly, Obi-Wan arched up
into it, gasping, pleading - needing more. He felt his Master's
sudden withdrawal and cried out. A strong hand around his jaw
stilled his protests, and he looked up into dark blue eyes. He
could read the desire there, the need, but behind that lay a
deep concern.
Qui-Gon's hand dipped lower, touching the tie at his waist.
Obi-Wan stiffened. He saw the unspoken question in his lover's
eyes - and he tried to answer it, but the words wouldn't come.
Instead he raised his hand, and undid the knotted cord, feeling
the material loosen around his waist. Qui-Gon made no move
toward him. Impatiently Obi-Wan lifted his hips a little,
trying to squirm free of his leggings, but the cord was still
drawn too tightly.
He caught his breath as he felt Qui-Gon's trembling fingers tug
upon the cord, working it loose. Obi-Wan lifted his hips again
invitingly, and roughened fingers grazed his skin as his
leggings were drawn down.
Qui-Gon also moved downwards, kneeling over Obi-Wan as he
unbuckled boots - first Obi-Wan's and then his own. Qui-Gon
removed his swiftly, then turned back to Obi-Wan. Sliding the
young man's feet out of the soft leather - letting Obi-Wan kick
his feet free of his leggings.
Qui-Gon lay back beside him. One large hand reached out to
caress Obi- Wan's cheek, dark blue eyes almost black with
desire. Obi-Wan shivered, aching with a need he couldn't
express. He was struggling desperately against the memory of
his ordeal, a malignant presence threatening to destroy his
pleasure. Qui-Gon's gaze was understanding as he slowly brought
his face down to Obi-Wan's, and very tenderly kissed him.
The taste of his lover called out to Obi-Wan, crushing the tide
of memories before they could rise up and overwhelm him. A hand
stroked down his chest - his belly - carefully skirting his
erection. The hand moved lower, stroking the insides of his
thighs. Obi-Wan murmured with pleasure, his legs lifting and
parting instinctively. He heard Qui-Gon's sudden intake of
breath. Then long fingers entwined around his braid and
Qui-Gon's mouth returned to capture his.
This time the kiss was deeper. Tongues met - hot and slick -
sliding against each other. The hand upon his leg moved lower,
cupping his buttock, caressing it; warm fingertips tentatively
teased the crease. The Bond link pulsed between them -
channelling their desire. Fingers brushed upwards, cradling the
velvet sac between his legs. Obi-Wan cried out into Qui-Gon's
mouth. He pushed himself into Qui-Gon's hand, the cautious
touch not enough to satisfy his desperate longing. Qui-Gon
responded instantly, fingers gliding up to stroke his hardening
shaft.
However, Obi-Wan's //Yesss//, became a frustrated
whimper as the hand drew away.
He seized Qui-Gon's face, holding his lover fiercely , driving away the ragged
memories - the fear and the pain. Obi-Wan moaned as the hot
tongue trailed downwards, flickering across his belly - one
scalding lick across the tip of his erection and he cried out.
He could feel Qui-Gon tasting him, lapping at the precum;
beckoning more of the bitter-sweet liquid from within his body.
Obi-Wan looked down into Qui-Gon's fathomless gaze, the pupils
wide, dilated with desire. The sight of his Master - silvered
hair sweeping his thighs, mouth rising and falling on his rigid
length - pushed Obi-Wan to the edge. //Master. Please
!// He tightened the muscles of his belly, pulling himself up.
Obi-Wan clutched at Qui-Gon - trying to guide his lover.
But Qui-Gon had already detected the shift in urgency. One hand
gripped the base of Obi-Wan's erection, the other cupped the
sac beneath. They worked in tandem, while Qui-Gon's mouth moved
up and down Obi-Wan's aching length.
Swift, sure strokes. Blinding, wet heat.
He felt his Master relax his throat to take him even
deeper......and Obi- Wan came, screaming his release. Qui-Gon
continued to suckle gently.
Obi-Wan fell back, his whole body shaking. The intensity was
too much, and he slid into the welcoming shadows.
Qui-Gon felt his Bond mate blackout and immediately released
the young man's softening shaft. Anxiously, he reached out
along the link; reassured when he felt the answering whisper of
Obi-Wan's mind. He knelt beside the youth as Obi-Wan returned
to consciousness. Gray-green eyes fluttered open, still smoky
with desire. Obi-Wan gazed at him muzzily, delight edged with
embarrassment. //I don't think I've ever passed out before.//
Qui-Gon smiled. //Hmm...Should I be flattered, or troubled by
that do you think ?//
Obi-Wan reached up, stroking his hand over Qui-Gon's sweat
dampened chest. //Oh flattered. Definitely.// The
younger man practically purred with pleasure, and Qui-Gon felt
a dizzying surge of happiness. He swallowed hard when Obi-Wan
caress suddenly became more purposeful. Fingers teasing his
nipples - sliding down to rub across the muscles of his belly.
His breathing quickened. Obi-Wan's fingers slipped lower,
tracing the outline of his erection through his leggings.
Qui-Gon hissed. He lay his hand over Obi-Wan's, but didn't move
the youth's away. He drew in a deep breath. "You don't hav-"
Obi-Wan suddenly arched up against him, stealing his lips in a
searing kiss - flipping him onto his back. The youth moved to
cover him, fire-hot skin rubbing over his - kissing, nibbling,
nuzzling.
Qui-Gon bit his lip to hold back a groan when Obi-Wan stopped.
The youth sat back on his haunches, regarding Qui-Gon almost
thoughtfully. Qui-Gon lay still, hardly daring to even draw
breath. Finally, Obi-Wan reached for him. Lightly trembling
fingers fumbled with the tie at his waist - once undone,
Obi-Wan gently eased down his leggings, just enough to free his
erection, the tip weeping with precum.
Qui-Gon's breathing quickened. For what felt like an eternity,
Obi-Wan just looked at him. Then the youth's fingers slowly
curled around his shaft, stroking it with a maddening
gentleness. Hesitantly, Obi-Wan leaned forward - an agonizing
pause - then the young man's tongue flickered out to lap at the
glistening flesh. Even through a mist of pleasure, Qui-Gon felt
his Padawan's heartbeat speed up. //Obi-Wan ?//
Obi-Wan looked up. Green eyes glittered. //I won't let
him take this from us.//
Qui-Gon recognized the fierce determination in his Padawan's
gaze. The desperate need to take back something that had been
stolen from them.
Obi-Wan's mouth closed over him, and Qui-Gon fought the urge to
thrust up into that warm, wet heat. His hands dug into the
earth, clawing at it convulsively. It was a bewildering
combination of pain, sorrow and unbelievable pleasure - an
intensity which drove away all conscious thought. Reducing
everything to this act, this moment. He could feel Obi- Wan's
emotions through their link - a little fear...some
uncertainty....and above them - spiralling delight.
Reaching out to touch Obi-Wan's mind, Qui-Gon let the young
man's desire burst through him. With a guttural cry he came.
shadows dancing around the edge of his vision.
Obi-Wan pulled away at the last moment, using his hand to milk
Qui- Gon of his seed. The thick fluid shooting over the older
man's chest.
Qui-Gon drifted back from his release, he felt Obi-Wan lay down
beside him, breathless and sweaty. "I'm sorry. I-I
couldn't...I..."
Qui-Gon silenced the young man's stumbling apology with a kiss,
pulling his Bond mate hard against him. //I love you!//
Obi-Wan made a soft contented sound. //Hmm...Love you too.//
Qui-Gon closed his eyes, and held his Bond mate tightly.
Chapter XIX
Just before dawn Qui-Gon awoke. The fire had long since gone
out, and the camp lay silent in silver-blue shadows. Some way
down the shore Obi-Wan stood, staring out across the lake.
Feeling a ripple of disquiet, Qui-Gon wrapped a blanket around
his body and wandered down the shore to join his Bond mate.
The stones were smooth and cold beneath his bare feet; some
shifted slightly as he walked effortlessly across their uneven
surface. Obi-Wan turned as he approached, and Qui-Gon relaxed a
little at the faint, welcoming smile. When he reached his
Padawan's side, the young man sat down. Qui-Gon followed suit,
tucking the blanket under his hips.
Moments passed before Obi-Wan finally spoke. "When....When we
were there. I-I kept thinking." He sucked in a ragged breath.
"All I'd learnt. All my training...My knowledge...My
abilities. Even the Force." He shook his head, his voice
bitter. "All of it useless." He looked at Qui-Gon, who
watched sadly as the young man's anger faded into weary
disillusionment. "I-I couldn't stop him. I couldn't doanything. !...I begged...I-" Obi-Wan drew in
another sharp breath, clearly battling for control. "I
pleaded with him...."
The shame in the young man's voice tore at Qui-Gon. He chose
his words carefully. "The Force is only our ally, Obi-Wan, not
our protector. It has chosen us as a vessel for its power, yet
it is not the sum total of our strength. We have skills and
knowledge, yet we are not infallible, or invulnerable. All our
lives we are still learning. Sometimes all that we can
do is survive. But this is not a weaknesses. Survival,
especially at the cost of sacrifice, can be the most difficult
challenge of all."
Obi-Wan's emotions warred across his face, a desperate conflict
churning within him. The youth clearly wanted to believe
Qui-Gon, and yet he was resisting - holding on to the guilt and
the shame.
Qui-Gon met Obi-Wan's eyes steadily. "There is no
disgrace in what you did Obi-Wan. You are not at fault.
You are in no way to blame for anything that
happened."
Obi-Wan remained silent, struggling to absorb what Qui-Gon was
saying.
Qui-Gon reached out through the Bond link and immediately
sensed other, more worrying emotions, stirring within Obi-Wan.
"We cannot hold on to our hate, my Padawan." His tone was
gentle.
Obi-Wan looked away. "I-I know," he said. His voice tight with
emotion. "But...But it's just so hard." The young man plucked
at his leggings absently, playing nervously with the rough
weave. "When I killed the Sith. I.....I felt pleasure." A
guilty whisper. Obi-Wan wouldn't meet Qui- Gon's gaze.
"And this troubles you ?" Qui-Gon asked calmly.
It was a statement rather than a question, but Obi-Wan answered
it. He looked up, shocked. "Of course !"
"Because you knew it to be wrong." Qui-Gon pointed out
evenly.
Obi-Wan's brow wrinkled in confusion. "Then....then because I
knew that I shouldn't feel pleasure at his death.
Because I felt guilty. That makes it alright ?" Clearly Obi-Wan
didn't believe it.
Qui-Gon shook his head. "No, Padawan. It is never right
to enjoy another's pain or suffering, or to take pleasure in a
death. However we still have emotions. We would be poor
Jedi without them. But because of the power which lies within
us, we must guard against being consumed by them. We may still
feel pain, fear, anger, perhaps at times even hate, but we must
never let our emotions control us or guide our actions.
You killed the Sith in anger and hate - Yes ?"
Obi-Wan nodded miserably.
"Do you still hate him ?" Qui-Gon asked.
"I am glad that he is dead." Obi-Wan responded without
hesitation. The set of his mouth implied he was far more than
simply 'glad'.
"But do you hate him ?" Qui-Gon persisted.
Obi-Wan fell silent a moment. The question was clearly not one
he had expected, and he was evidently giving it careful
consideration. At length the young man looked up, his
expression cautious. "No...No...I-I pity him. He was strong in
the Force, I could feel it."
Qui-Gon nodded encouragingly.
Obi-Wan continued a little more confidently. " I think he would
have been a powerful Jedi, but the Darkside had consumed him.
I....I pity him for what he could never understand. For what he
could never have."
Qui-Gon's eyes shone with approval and he took hold of
Obi-Wan's hand, linking their fingers.
Obi-Wan smiled and then shivered lightly, his smile vanishing.
"I do not think I can ever pity R-Rigel."
"No." Qui-Gon's tone was flat.
Obi-Wan glanced at the older man sharply, clearly pity for such
a monster was beyond even his Master's grasp. Perhaps this was
a scar they would both have to carry.
However, understanding was also edging its way through the
bitterness. "I need to release my hatred, my anger." Obi-Wan
spoke with conviction.
"Yes."
Obi-Wan chewed at his lip nervously. "Will you help me ?"
Qui-Gon smiled and squeezed his Padawan's hand gently.
"Always."
"Can...can I help you ?" Obi-Wan asked hesitantly.
"Always." Qui-Gon smiled at his Bond mate with the reassurance
of his love. He held the edges of the blanket open in a clear
invitation. Obi- Wan's face broke into a shy smile - one tinged
with relief - and he moved to sit between Qui-Gon's parted
legs, leaning back against the older man. Qui-Gon drew the
edges of the blanket over his lover's bare shoulders and
wrapped his arms around him, holding him close.
Epilogue.
Obi-Wan gazed out across the lake, feeling the heat of
Qui-Gon's body against his back. The older man's breath hot
upon his neck. He sighed, his eyes closing in contentment.
Some anxieties remained; worries still gnawed at him. He knew
he would carry the scar of his memories from this life to the
next, but held safe, in the warm embrace of his Master's arms,
he no longer felt the cold.
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