Master Apprentice
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Category: A/U, Romance, Angst, Q/O
Rating: R (for adult themes)
Spoilers: For all movies, including TPM, and the JA books.
Archive: Nowhere right now, thanks. :-)
Disclaimer: Lucas owns 'em, we don't. Damn.
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EXILES SERIES: In an alternate universe set fifteen years after the events in The Phantom Menace, two Jedi live in hiding on the desert planet of Tatooine, awaiting a child's destiny. Will they survive to see a new hope come to fruition?
JOURNALS -- BOOK SEVEN: The Journal of Qui-Gon Jinn -- Senatorial conspiracies abound and fear is given its due.
Standard Date 198783-81738
The Temple at Coruscant
I'm not sure, but I think this is all of it . . .
Evidently, my judgment in seeking a soulhealer was still on target; between working with G'vra and basking in my bondmate's affection, I am feeling much more composed, much less scattered, and much more focused.
The last few days have been, in fact, quite normal, blessedly normal and very pleasant.
Of course, the physician is watching me narrowly, and I must report in every few days to be checked, but so far, there are still only small anomalies, none of which add up to ill health.
I can tell from the way he scowls at me.
Physicians love to pounce on one with a diagnosis, but so far, apparently, I resist diagnosis. For which fact I'm grateful.
Obi-Wan has been troubled by Anakin's temper lately. I'm not sure how to advise him since I've seen very little of it. I have taken extra time with Anakin, because it occurred to me that perhaps, despite his ready acceptance, he feels rejected because of my withdrawal from his training.
We spent a pleasant afternoon in the city yesterday, while poor Obi-Wan was suffering through honorary guard duty. I found a few small gifts for my beloved, although honesty compels me to admit that I will reap the benefits of the silken fabric of the robe, and the aromatic pleasures of the massage oil. Either way, I can't lose.
Hedonist, I tell myself, and it's true, I'm finding that side of myself expanding in the warmth of Obi-Wan's wicked, wicked smile.
I think Obi-Wan will relish a night of hedonism, I think that restricted duty is beginning to take its toll on him. He's evidently developed a dislike of the Supreme Chancellor's aide, Tarkin, who jibes at him regularly about Jedi beliefs.
Tarkin, it seems to me, has poor judgment with regard to attracting the object of his desires; he invited Obi-Wan over for some Cyrthian brandy. Happily, one of the subjects of Obi-Wan's training was aphrodisiacs, and he declined politely.
I confess to some juvenile smugness. Tarkin is young and wealthy, not unattractive, while I am hardly young, have nothing but what the Order grants me, and yet I am granted the love and the companionship of a gifted, intelligent and glorious young Knight.
I sometimes think I've gone beyond being fatuous and straight into senility, but if this is senility, than I am more than content.
I have always found contentment in the Order, in my duties, and I have had many moments of joy in my life. This, though, this....my Obi-Wan is wiser than most his age, and I credit him as much as G'vra for bringing our quarrel to a swift resolution and drawing me back out of my funk.
It's somewhat easier to return to my research now, trusting in Obi-Wan as I do. And perhaps trusting in myself more, I suppose, thanks to the work with G'vra.
There is still much more I must learn about the ancients if we are to face down the Darkness.
Standard Date 8717672-8273
The Temple at Coruscant
Anakin spoke about his mother for the first time in a long while tonight, when I was seeing him to bed.
"Will I ever see my mother again?"
I hesitated, thought about what to say. Finally, I simply said, "If the Force wills it, Ani. I hope so."
He looked up at me, it seemed, trustingly. "When I'm grown up and a Knight, I'm going to go back and get her."
"A worthy goal," I said softly and hugged him. "You know, she's very proud of you, even if she can't be here."
A small frown. "But she doesn't know what I'm doing." He glanced away then. "Obi-Wan is angry with me, I think. He won't let me spar right now, he says I have to do balance exercises."
"That doesn't mean he's angry, Ani. It means he thinks that your focus is better placed on the balance exercises, it will strengthen your sparring."
He thought about that and nodded, settled into his pillow. "When I'm a Knight, I'm going to fight all the enemies of the Republic. I'll teach them."
I smiled faintly. "Sometimes, Ani, we need not fight with lightsabers, but with our wits and diplomacy. It can be just as effective."
A doubtful look. "The dark man wouldn't have listened."
I felt a twinge at that. "No, it's true, and we did fight him. We had no choice. Sometimes, too, we must fight. But we try other avenues first."
He nodded, but his expression was still doubtful.
I laughed a little and ruffled his hair. "You must trust me on this. When you're a knight, you will understand better, I think."
"I hope so." He settled then on his side, curled around his pillow. "Good night, Master Qui-Gon."
I bade him good night and went back out to the common room of our quarters to find Obi-Wan sprawled inelegantly on the divan, looking as weary as I had felt a few days earlier. "As for you, beloved, if you will come to bed, I will make it worth your while."
That earned a smile. "You always do."
I laughed. "I have a few small gifts, but I warn you, my intent is selfish."
That intrigued him; he followed me into the bedroom and the robe was gladly welcomed. The color of Accan forest, it suits his coloring perfectly, and the oil occasioned a small struggle. He thought he should use it on me, but I overrode that and followed through on my intention.
The sheen of his skin, muscles shifting beneath it, it takes my breath away sometimes and I wonder how I managed to blind myself to it for so long. Duty and conscience, I suppose, but since I need not worry about violating either these days, I enjoy it to my soul's content.
Of course, we made love, luxuriously, lazily, since he was weary and I'm not as young as I might be, and talked after of his annoyance with ceremonial duties.
"We'll be back on full duty soon enough," I told him drily, "Annoyances or not, I am enjoying this a great deal, having you with me each evening and morning and no crisis to tear us away from one another. I suppose that means that I'm getting either old or complacent."
"Oh, definitely," he told me, equally dry, "After such restful assignments as Naboo, and Qartan Five before that, you shock me, Master Qui-Gon Jinn, with your laziness."
I poked him in the ribs, of course, and there was much laughter and mutual teasing and then, we settled down to sleep.
Or rather he did. Despite feeling well again, I still have difficulty sleeping. I don't seem to be able to recall my dreams, either, not that it's ever troubled me before, and yet I feel that they are full or portent.
I suppose it's as G'vra says, my brush with death has caused some disequilibrium and I must find my balance again, just as Ani is learning to find his own.
I hope that's all it is.
Standard Date 817987197-8837
The Temple at Coruscant
Bant came to see Obi-Wan today; they have been friends since the creche, and she has just passed her trials. He was so glad to see her, and they joked and teased one another as always.
I left them to it, and helped Anakin clear up the kitchen. I felt a wave of sadness through our link, and when I emerged, I found Obi-Wan sitting near the window, his expression somber.
I sat down beside him and wrapped my arms around him, feeling his sadness. His hair was soft, smelt of his shower still, and the silky strands caught in my beard as I rubbed my cheek against it. He was holding a stone clasped in his hand, and I remembered the bonding gifts of Bant's people. My eyes prickled briefly and I sighed, put my hand over his. "As Jedi we spend much of our time thinking about formal Trials, and how wonderful things will be when we pass them. When in reality, they are merely a preparation for the everyday trial that is life." I tipped his face up and kissed his forehead. "Have faith, beloved ... have faith."
He closed my eyes and nodded. "I do. My faith, Qui-Gon, is in us."
Unaccountably, I found myself hoping that his faith was not misplaced, at least with regard to me.
Anakin and I spent part of this afternoon calculating when his naming day will be, here on Coruscant. Out of nowhere, it occurred to be that Obi-Wan's is approaching, and I realized, with a pang, that I hadn't any idea about Anakin's. Of course, he knew what it was, but not how to translate it, so I used the time to good effect in terms of converting Standard dates to planetary dates.
Best of all, it was painless. He was so intrigued that he forgot to think of it as a lesson. So, we now have his naming day marked on our console calendar, and he went off sunnily to finish his physics assignments.
I confess, I don't see the moodiness that Obi-Wan reports, but then again, I am no longer his teacher. I'd like to think he's come to look at me as a sort of surrogate family member, and I do feel much relieved about my relationship with him. He doesn't draw as close to me as he does to Obi-Wan, of course, but that's natural enough, given their shared experience and their ages. If there is a difference between nine and 25, there is even more of an abyss between nine and a man nearing fifty.
Although I don't feel it quite as much these days. Or perhaps I should say these evenings. I swear, I feel like I shed ten to fifteen years from my age when I abandon my research and return to our quarters. First, Anakin, who has quickly come to enjoy finding me here when he returns from class. Then, Obi-Wan, whose tired face brightens when he sees me. I wonder, do I betray as much joy whenever I see him? I suspect so. He met me at the data library yesterday, and our meeting earned us several kindly amused glances, although we did not touch.
Balance, I remind myself daily, but surely this emotion doesn't touch the Darkside. This is bright, unshadowed, save by small, ordinary stresses. How I cherish him, it's impossible to even imagine my life without him.
Ah, well, these are pointless thoughts, I don't have to imagine it.
The research continues, although, thanks to G'vra's interference-- she spoke directly with Master Yoda--I have been locked out of some references. I admit, at first I panicked, then felt anger, and that in itself told me that G'vra was quite right, I was out of balance in mind and in spirit. So, instead, I have concentrated on other aspects, the rituals of the Sith, the methods they used to turn their prospective apprentices to the Darkside.
I'm still having difficulty sleeping, but at least it's unbroken when I do. I seem to have developed one recurring nightmare, unfortunately, although long practice keeps me from waking Obi-Wan when I do. I suspect it's related to nothing more than my battle with the Sith on Naboo. I'm facing an opponent, and I'm outmatched, or wounded, I'm not sure. Unlike the Sith on Naboo, this man is all in black, with a black, malformed sort of helmet. I think he's wearing a rebreather, for I woke in the small hours remembering the sound of his breathing, magnified as if by mechanical means.
I discovered today that in addition to the atrocities perpetrated on their own clones, the Sith also pioneered the use of biomechanical devices. Not merely to replace limbs, but to create obedient servants, so some of these devices are still forbidden by law in the Republic. We see them sometimes in use on the Rim worlds.
At any rate, it's a nightmare, nothing more, but it adds to my foreboding. G'vra is growing concerned about that, because while my prescience scores have never been high, on those rare occasions when I experience it, I'm correct.
She isn't the only one concerned. If only this feeling would resolve itself into clarity, if only I could determine precisely what that shadow is.
Obi-Wan is really becoming quite unhappy with his special assignment. I'm trying to decide if he would be annoyed if I murmured in Yoda's ear about that, considering that I wouldn't speak to Yoda about the Council's decision to send him off planet.
Despite his temper at the time, he's generally fairly rigorous with himself; if not for his concern over me and Anakin, I don't think he would have reacted with anger. I can't blame him, I wasn't any happier, even though I've put duty ahead of personal desire far longer than he has, just by virtue of my years.
So, to mention it to Yoda or not? I can't decide, and thus will wait and see if something happens to make the decision for me.
Not always the best way to decide, but sometimes events must simply unfold before we know which path to take.
Too small a thing for me to worry over, thankfully, and he unwinds very nicely once he is back at home.
Back to researching.
Standard Date: 28797971-197872
The Temple at Coruscant
Obi-Wan is troubled by something, I note, but pressing him on it might well be unfair. After all, it may be nothing more than his annoyance with politics, and I have hardly been forthcoming about my formless fears.
Still, I have spoken to him about my visits to the infirmary, and assured him that the physician seems almost annoyed by my continued health. Yes, I told him, there are some small concerns, but added that G'vra had reminded me that the soul's health affects the body, and since my near death, I was off balance, but coming closer to find it again.
And then, to reassure him, I seduced him all over again.
So, just as before our bond, we each have our day to day concerns, but it's true, in that at least I am finding my center. There may be small annoyances in every day life, but with Obi-Wan, there is a richness to that life that I had not experienced before. Oh, to be sure, I had lovers, for a season, for a cycle, for a year's turning and more, and there was laughter and shared pleasure and happiness in each case, but I have never had this joy with anyone before.
Perhaps that's the reason for these cursed and persistent fears. I fear losing it. That's human enough.
I'll have to meditate upon it.
Standard Date 18797991-872676
The Temple at Coruscant
I should have spoken to the Council earlier, I knew something dark awaited us. I knew it.
I should not have waited, I should not have let indecision rule me.
All of which is well and good, but it mends nothing.
He might have died.
I say that without any of the serenity with which a Jedi should face loss. He might have died. The drug he was given....he was given far too much of it, and he was nearly lost to me before the report came of a Jedi run amok.
I have never known anger like this. It's a fallacy to think that a Jedi cannot be angered, but we let it flow through us and into the Force, we don't let it control us.
I can't control this. Fear breeds anger and anger breeds hate, and I know all this.
I still can't control it. He was in the infirmary, raving and delirious for nearly eighteen hours. And then, exhaustion, unconsciousness, and finally, finally, true sleep.
They let me bring him home, then.
Still asleep, he looked exhausted, haggard, and the pain from the aftermath of the drug engraved lines around his mouth and eyes, even then.
I want to kill Tarkin. Tarkin lies behind this, he has an unsavory reputation.
There is gossip in the Temple about Tarkin and Obi-Wan's recent companionship.
It makes me even angrier.
I do not doubt him, I know better. He was given something, but the Council is keeping it quiet, so my lover's reputation is in tatters. He was given, said one, or had taken, and Yoda spoke then, quietly, silencing them all. Obi-Wan was young, he told them, but not a fool, not a libertine. If anything, it was misjudgment, not debauchery, but for the moment, this matter was sealed.
I was grateful, at least, for his defense of Obi-Wan.
He sleeps again, only to wake and be coaxed to drink soup, juice, all the water we can bring him. Anakin is frightened, and rightly so. I sat him down and spoke honestly with him, told him that someone had attempted to destroy Obi-Wan's reputation and possibly his life, that whatever he heard, he should know from me that none of it was true.
Already the stories were rampant.
In a brothel. My hands tremble with anger just thinking of it. Drugged, out of his mind, raving and violent, and in a brothel, half-dressed as if he'd been carousing.
As if Obi-Wan has ever frequented such a place.
One of the most infamous brothels in the spacer's district, where anything or anyone can be obtained, children, intoxicants of any kind, bestiality, pain....
They summoned me at once when it was known, I wanted to raze the place. A child little older than Anakin regarded me from beneath painted eyelids when I arrived, and the brothelkeeper, a fat slug of a Marskin, tried to demand reparations.
It was all I could do to keep my weapon at my belt.
I am indeed off balance. But I've no intention of seeking it while this Darkness lies in wait for us.
Standard Date 8179366-87162
The Temple at Coruscant
He's so confused, still, and he wants to know what has happened. At last in his right mind, but still in so much pain, ah, too much.
I ignore these demands and insist that he rests mind and body, I read to him, I soothe him to sleep as I did when he was younger and my charge and feverish, just a touch of Force and he surrenders, old habit and trust and love, and I'm damnably lucky. I keep reminding myself of this, watching him sleep.
Anakin came in after class, silent and drawn, and I drew him into my chair with me, offering silent comfort. He sat thus, watching Obi-Wan sleep, and his chin came up. "Obi-Wan would do nothing like they're saying."
"No, he would not," I agreed quietly.
"I want to hurt them when they say things." He gave me a sidelong look. "It makes me so angry, Master Qui-Gon, I hate them."
I tightened my arm around him. "Let yourself feel it and let it go into the Force, Ani. I don't blame you, I'm struggling with my own anger."
A brief, surprised glance. "You?"
"Me." I sighed again. "Even Jedi are not perfect, Ani. We must strive to release such darkness and let it go, but that doesn't mean we don't feel it. At least, for those of us who are human."
Yoda, Yaddle and Rancisis came this morning, to discuss matters with me. The Council investigation has revealed little evidence to clear Obi-Wan, and the gossip is fast and furious.
I made no attempt to hide my anger, but spoke firmly. "You know very well that Obi-Wan is innocent of any wrongdoing."
The three of them exchanged a look. "Know this we do," Yaddle agreed softly. "Prove this we cannot."
I simmered silently, knowing it was nothing but truth.
Needless to say, Obi-Wan has been relieved of all duties, and pending the outcome of this travesty, may well suffer some disciplinary action. He told Yoda that Palpatine had ordered him to keep a close watch on Tarkin, but Palpatine has returned on holiday to Naboo.
Tarkin, coincidentally, is offworld as well and cannot be reached. Just as well.
It is necessary, Rancisis says, because the Senate must be reassured.
I say the Senate has problems of their own, and if anyone dares to criticize or punish Obi-Wan when he is innocent, I will take action. I told them as much in my best icily diplomatic tone.
So we shall see.
Standard Date 8179366-87162
The Temple at Coruscant
My poor beloved, he keeps trying to explain to me, even though I've assured him that I believe him without so much as a sliver of doubt.
I've told him that this, this is the first overt movement of the shadow that hangs over us. There is evil afoot, and I can sense it, even if I cannot isolate what it is.
It is connected to the Sith apprentice. It is connected with the Sith master, wherever he may be.
I must protect Anakin, and for the moment, I must protect my beloved.
We are going to Kossuth. Anakin cannot thrive in this poisonous atmosphere of gossip and disbelief, and Obi-Wan needs rest and healing. I stood firm before the Council, even defiant, and I won this battle.
I told him, "We are leaving, as soon as you are well enough for travel,Yoda agrees, as does most of the Council. We are going to Kossuth with Anakin and together, we'll train him there. Alone."
He all but gaped at me. Still so drawn, still with lines of pain. "Kossuth. But that's so remote ... "
"Exactly." His lips set in a hard line. "Which is what we want. Anakin can be trained well enough there, Kossuth's Academy is equipped with all we need." And, I thought, we would be well away from Coruscant. Anakin needs time to find his internal balance and so, I admit, do I.
He tried to protest, but I wasn't having any of it.
I told him to pack his things. I found him sitting on the edge of the bed, folding tunics and putting them in a bag.
So tired still.
I left him to it and retrieved items placed in storage since our return to Coruscant, storage boxes and all, and had them taken to the spaceport separately. I found empty containers for Anakin's growing collection of belongings and helped Anakin pack them.
"How long will we there, Master Qui-Gon?" The boy looked up at me.
"We will stay until I feel it is wise for us to return," I told him. "Right now, I sense a disturbance, Ani. I want you both somewhere that is not so contaminated."
I don't think he entirely understood, but he nodded.
And now, Obi-Wan is dozing in our cabin, and Ani is up front with the pilot, rediscovering some of the joy he has always had in flight.
I have made the right decision. I'm certain of it. And while we are gone, perhaps Yoda and those who do believe in Obi-Wan can find out what really happened.
And more importantly, why.
finis
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