Master Apprentice
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Category: A/U, Romance, Angst
Rating: R (for adult themes)
Spoilers: For all movies, including TPM, and the JA books.
Archive: Nowhere right now, thanks. :-)
Disclaimer: Lucas owns 'em, we don't. Damn.
Feedback: Sure! kassxf@aol.com
EXILES SERIES: In an alternate universe set fifteen years after the events in The Phantom Menace, two Jedi live in hiding on the desert planet of Tatooine, awaiting a child's destiny. Will they survive to see a new hope come to fruition?
JOURNALS -- BOOK FOUR: The Journal of Qui-Gon Jinn (companion to Book Three) -- Back at the Temple, Anakin's training begins.
Standard Date: 19787-1874198
The Temple At Coruscant
Obi-Wan is doing much better these days, coming home has eased his mind, and we've been granted permission to train Anakin jointly as he's really bonded with both of us.
I think Ani was the best thing for Obi-Wan upon our arrival. He raced up the ramp before we could come down and simply flung himself at us, all glad heart and smiles. Obi-Wan crouched and hugged him hard, eyes closed, and when he opened them up, my love had returned to me. Oh, not completely, of course, but somehow, Anakin reminded him that there was still Light in the world in a way that I could not.
I confess, it gave me a pang when it should not have. Ani is a good boy, and if he can bring joy back to my beloved, I cannot allow myself to feel a sense of loss that I could not.
After all, the creature he was forced to kill wore my face. Small wonder that I could not reach him.
It was all I could do to keep my face serious once we were back in our quarters. It seems that Anakin has been learning the duties of padawan and taking those duties seriously indeed. It took a great deal of diplomatic persuasion to convince him that young padawans need not prepare the entire meal by themselves, and I gladly worked with him while listening to him tell tales of his adventures and all the things he had learned.
Obi-Wan listened with a smile, a smile that had been too long absent, and yet...
I'm not sure exactly what it was, truthfully. I reckoned it was just adjustment, and reminded myself of what he had so recently endured, but Obi-Wan was oddly protective of Anakin, as if he feared I would censure the child.
It left me brooding a bit, wondering if I had truly been so harsh a master to him when he was younger. I swear, he looked at me as if he feared I was going to be harsh with Ani.
But the truth was, I was delighted to see the shadows gone from beneath Ani's eyes, to see the laughter and delight return once again. If anything, there is more; on Tatooine, there was an independence and buried resentment of his status as a slave. I see no signs of that now, only a boy's high spirits and excitement at fulfilling his desire to become a Jedi.
I tucked Anakin into his bed, reckoning it would give us a chance to talk, since he had devoted himself to regaling Obi-Wan during dinner.
He looked up at me soberly. "Is Obi-Wan all right?"
I ruffled his hair. "He will be, Ani."
He studied me for a moment. "They shouldn't have sent him." And then, "You should have stopped them, Master Qui-Gon."
Taken aback, I sought for words. "Ani, I, too, am subject to the Council's commands. I could not have stopped them, and he was needed there. That is the role of Jedi, to fulfill our duties and responsibilities to the Order, to work for order and justice."
He frowned for a moment, then brightened. "But you're both back now."
I wondered if he had missed us a great deal. He'd seemed content enough in his messages, but he was still a small boy who had left his mother behind, and we were his guardians. "Yes, we are," I agreed and leaned down to give him a brief embrace. "And shall not leave you again if we can help him. Obi-Wan is temporarily on restricted duty, and since you are now officially padawan to both of us, I don't think we shall both be sent away again." I ruffled his hair again. "Sleep well, Ani."
He beamed. "No more nightmares."
"Thanks be for that," I agreed and hugged him again. "So dream sweetly."
"I will."
Obi-Wan was in the 'fresher when I entered our room; I considered joining him, then sighed. Better not, perhaps, given the awkwardness I had sensed earlier. I would, I decided, shower in the morning, and undressed and slipped into bed, despite the early hour.
And here I am. It seems bizarre, so soon after our bonding, that this should have happened. Patience, I tell myself, and time, and at the same time I'm conscious of the beginnings of anger at whoever created my clone and forced Obi-Wan to do battle with it.
I wonder, deep in my heart, if I've overlooked some wisdom, something that makes us more dangerous to the Darkness with our bond than we were separately.
I shall have to meditate on this matter.
Standard Date: 1987107-139749187
The Temple At Coruscant
Technically, we're both on restricted duty, but I've been assigned to the data library. It's little more than a research assignment, given to me personally by Yoda, and it fulfills the need I have to make someone pay for what happened on Alderaan.
Obi-Wan has been assigned to the Temple gardens. He seems to be pleased about it, and I confess, it seems to be good for him. The distance between us seems to be closing, and he woke me the other night purely for the purposes of seducing me, which was more than welcome and entirely satisfying. Although, it was hard to tell who was being seduced, I was more than enthusiastic about being awakened.
And he was very loving after, the first time really since his encounter with that abomination. Not that he's been unloving, I should hasten to remind myself. But that distance....
I'm worried. And not merely about our bond, or Obi-Wan. There's this sense I have--and I've never been terribly prescient, I've learned to pay attention when I am--that there is a shadow hanging over us. This seems to be the leading edge, and I find myself watching for portents, the more so as I delve into the archives in search of more information about the Sith, for more about the forbidden science that created the clone.
Ani, on the other hand, is doing astoundingly well, and I confess to amazement, despite my conviction that Ani may well be the Chosen. I wasn't sure at first, but I grow steadily more so.
Ani has bonded amazingly well with Obi-Wan, and I'm glad to see it, even if a little saddened by the fact that he seems to be pulling farther away from me. Oh, we have moments where he confides in me or where we simply enjoy each other, but he seems to gravitate to Obi-Wan naturally. Perhaps because they've a shared experience with me as Master.
I'm not complaining, mind--I saw Obi-Wan in the garden earlier, and his face showed so much peace....
I think I'll plan a surprise for him, if he's still so this evening. Muscles unused in these ways are likely to ache, and he's so damned beautiful.
Standard Date 19877828-91724
The Temple At Coruscant
Ah, Amidala has remembered our lad. A package was delivered this morning from Naboo, and Obi-Wan decided that Anakin must wait to open it until after breakfast. I had to hide my smile, remembering other trials of patience with a different impatient padawan, but kept the unified front.
Anakin bore it with good humour, but he ate quickly and neatly, eyes on the small wooden chest, and opened it with surprising care for a boy of nine. Amidala clearly remains attached to her young friend, she sent a holo of herself, apparently because he'd expressed a wish for one back on Naboo at their parting. She also sent him a large, blood red ruyat.
I felt some foreboding upon seeing it, and have since decided that I'm seeing portents in everything, I think it's time for me to speak to one of the soul healers after all. My brush with death and with Darkness may have affected me more than I expected.
Ani was more excited about the holo, though, which relieved my mind.
I teased him lightly about that, and he blushed.
The stone stayed on my mind, and it reminded me that soon Anakin would be required to build his own lightsaber. He progresses so quickly, it seems almost unreal; I remember when Obi-Wan constructed his own, but comparing the two does Obi-Wan a disservice. Anakin falls into a category of his own, but Obi-Wan, ah, Obi-Wan is already a great knight, and will be greater in the future.
That's not merely pride, I don't think, nor love, but sober recognition. As for Anakin, the speed with which he learns is almost frightening, that hunger for knowledge is almost insatiable. I don't fault him for it, but it's going to be difficult to keep up with that hunger, and I confess to wondering what he will become as he continues to learn.
At any rate, Ani listened to me, and brightened. "Yes, that's easy," he said, when I told him, and scrambled to get his ruyat. He held it up to the sunlight that streamed through the window, and I felt that uneasiness again as red light flared from it.
A red stone will form a red blade, and while other races have other colors for blood, ours at least is red.
It seemed another portent.
He looked at me, oddly adult. "This is my focus stone, I can feel it."
He then transmuted back into boy and went scrambling for his datapad and off to class.
He's picked up slang from some of the other students, and the worst of these is the word wizard, meaning wonderful, fabulous, spectacular...
Obi-Wan, I can see, loathes it utterly. I must be getting senile, I can remember that Obi-Wan and his agemates likewise had their own language, but for the life of me, I can't recall the particular phrases that used to drive me mad.
I am reluctant to record daily my feelings for my beloved, but I succumb today; I love him more than my own life, I confess, and despite the florid phrasing of that comment, it's quite true. I held him this morning, and welcomed him close. He was fierce, passionate, kissing my tunic over the thin scar that remains from my wound.
I swear, though our bond is empathic, not telepathic, I heard him assure me of his own love, and my eyes burned with tears, my throat felt tight. I have been fortunate indeed, fortunate beyond anything I deserve, I think, to have won the heart of my beloved.
I will never cease to be grateful.
Standard Date: 17871978-1747187
The Temple at Coruscant
The legend has always been that there are two Sith, a Master and an apprentice. I have come to believe that it is the apprentice who died on Naboo, and my research seems to confirm this. The Sith Master will always hide in the shadows, and his apprentice moves openly at his orders.
The Darkness moved openly on Naboo.
I find myself brooding on these things, I'm not sure that was precisely what Yoda had intended.
The science of cloning has been forbidden for good reason. The Sith created armies of such, and worse, they created clones to use as organ banks, sentient creatures who they used to replace organs worn out by age. The Dark side of the Force grants great power, but takes a toll. Unlike the Light side, which seems to fortify and strengthen even the oldest members of the Order, which seems to lengthen life rather than take it, the Dark side twists and ruins those channels it finds willing.
The deformity of the soul shows itself in the deformity of the flesh eventually.
My studies leave me sick at heart, truly. The only joy I seem to find these days is in my beloved and in Anakin. I fear for Anakin, truly, as he outstrips his companions in skill, I see small signs of disaffection among his agemates, and my heart aches for him.
I've been taking more time with Anakin, and he does seem to draw closer to both Obi-Wan and to me these days.
Sometimes, I see Obi-Wan frown at me as if he thinks me harsh, and I'm at a loss to understand why. To be sure, I'm older, and sometimes stern, but rarely has Anakin required it.
At such times, I feel that shadow touching us again, and I can't decide if I'm becoming fanciful or if there's a warning there.
Standard Date 18728749-197834
The Temple at Coruscant
Obi-Wan is saddened, one of the elderly knights who worked in the garden with him has passed into the Force.
He left a note for Obi-Wan, but Obi-Wan did not share it with me, merely put it away with other keepsakes.
On a lighter note, Anakin has completed his lightsaber. Already.
Again, I feel fear for him. To be a prodigy is not, as the universe thinks, to be granted a gift, it is almost a punishment. And sadly, I see the small signs that Anakin will suffer duly. Already, he draws apart from those who were friends at first. Envy, competition, who knows.
He devoted intense concentration to his lightsaber. I have seen adult adepts who have not the focus during their own work with their stones.
I confess, pride is my besetting sin, and I am proud of him, as proud as if he were my own son, proud and yet struggling to think how to challenge him.
He shrugged when one of his teachers commented in amazement, and seemed actually embarrassed when Obi-Wan noted that he had done an astonishing job.
Obi-Wan....if my pride is a sin, I worry that Obi-Wan's reaction is not the healthiest. He tried to impress on Anakin that his skills at channeling Force were clearly remarkable.
I'm not sure that Anakin's self-deprecation is healthy, either. And that sounds entirely muddled and confused, but I am confused.
It's all very well to believe you have the responsibility to train the Chosen one. It's far more difficult to determine how best to do it, how to seek the balance that he was born to bring, if the prophecy is true.
I have set Obi-Wan to begin teaching Anakin the stances. Like all young padawans, he is tremendously excited and looking forward to this phase of his training.
Obi-Wan informs me that he's going to break Anakin of slang before he teaches him any stance at all, which made me laugh. Or made me long to laugh--another difficulty in our relationship is my fear of treading on his pride and confidence by recalling another young padawan, so I managed to suppress my laughter.
Barely.
So I distracted him with seduction. After years of living ascetically, I'm becoming a hedonist, and what a beautiful reward he is, shifting against me, lost in pleasure.
I wonder if I'm up to waking him again.
Standard Date 1878-174817
The Temple at Coruscant
Anakin's training with Obi-Wan progresses very well. Well, that's an understatement, I admit, he's already well into second year forms, and it's been only a few cycles.
He has difficulty now finding other students who are willing to spar with him. Obi-Wan tells me sadly that Anakin's fellows have deserted him, that the friendships have faded.
Envy and competition. I wonder if I've simply forgotten too much, or if students today are harsher on one another. I remember too well Obi-Wan's troubles.
Meanwhile, I'm struggling to determine how to remind Anakin that while he may be the best among his fellows, he still has much to learn. I see a disturbing tendency to overconfidence.
I also need to have an unbiased judgment on his ability. It's too easy for us to fall into the trap of seeing only his strengths. I need an objective eye to assess his skills, and I can't get that while he's undermatched.
I have to think of a way.
Standard Date 1873871-1878
The Temple at Coruscant
Obi-Wan and I came very close to having a serious argument this morning. I told him that I wanted to get permission for Anakin to have some sparring sessions against adults. I was watching him yesterday and Obi-Wan had hesitantly allowed him to spar with an older padawan--who eventually was defeated and furious.
Obi-Wan objected mightily to that idea, and even more strenuously to my notion to discuss it with the Council.
So I told him I would think of something else. I had hoped to persuade either Kwanli or Seraban to do this favor for me, but it turned out that they were off planet.
Aranalyndal was there when I inquired after them, and was intrigued to hear about a talented padawan, and my own desire for an objective opinion. I reckoned Aranalyndal would be extremely objective.
I was correct, but I had not reckoned with her increasingly unpleasant behavior. First, she took exception to the fact that I had described Anakin as fourth level, which he is, and was further annoyed when I commented that he might be higher. I put my hand on Anakin's shoulder and squeezed in what I thought was a reassuring manner.
Eventually, she agreed to spar with Ani, and I asked her to test him to the fifteenth level.
I think that intrigued her, and she agreed, took her first position.
Anakin turned to Obi-Wan, who murmured to him, and tucked his braid back for him. My beloved also gave me such a look as I never hope to see again from him.
It was clear that he disapproved, and that he was angry, I could feel it thrumming across our bond. He stood to one side with me, but would not look at me.
As I had expected, it took very little time for her to defeat Anakin, but while watching, I saw the weaknesses I had missed before, and felt both pride and excitement, despite his defeat.
Aranalyndal confirmed my judgment of the boy's skills. And then, as she was leaving, struck back for her chagrin at having been faced with a small boy.
"I'd be wary if I were you." Coldly. "That child fights to kill."
I stood still, shocked that she would say such a thing in front of the boy, but when the door closed on her, I dismissed it as bad temper and turned back to see Obi-Wan kneeling with Anakin, talking quietly to a very unhappy boy. I started to move forward, but stopped, reckoning that Obi-Wan would want a moment alone with him.
Suddenly, Anakin rose and said something to Obi-Wan that left Obi-Wan's head bowed. Anakin then looked at me, his expression blank, and he ran out of the sparring room.
I'm troubled. I'm more than troubled. He needed a test, but I had not expected him to be so distressed by the outcome. He faced a Jedi swordadept.
I tried to speak with him when I put him to bed, and yes, I know he hardly needs to be tucked in, but these moments have become my time with him.
"I know you were upset, Ani, and disappointed," I began carefully, and he regarded me expressionlessly. "But you know you are far ahead of other students. I needed to test your training thus far so we could address any weaknesses in your style. You did astonishingly well against an adult who is far more skilled than either of your masters."
He made a small movement with his shoulders,like a shrug, only lying down.
I touched his hair. "Ani, I know it's hard sometimes." Very softly. "The others your age aren't sure how to cope with the fact that you're so much ahead of them, and they make it difficult. I hope you know that Obi-Wan and I are very proud of you. That we care very much about you."
He blinked. Nodded finally.
I leaned down and hugged him gently. "Don't be angry or upset, my padawan. Consider instead that you lasted far longer than anyone else your age would have, and did far better. I'm very proud of you. And Knight Aranalyndal is not the pleasantest of folk, you mustn't take her bad temper to heart."
After a moment, he put his arms around my neck briefly. "All right." Uninflected.
I drew back, smiled ruefully. "Easier said than done, I expect. Just remember, if the worst complaint either of us has is your slang, you're doing excellently."
That won me a very small smile. "All right."
I ruffled his hair. "Sleep well, my padawan."
He nodded again.
But Obi-Wan has not spoken to me except for carefully courteous monosyllables.
I came out to the terrace to meditate on my wisdom, or lack of same, and I wonder now....
Was my success with Obi-Wan a fluke? Was Obi-Wan simply so good and so strong that my weaknesses and failures did not affect him? Look at Xanatos, after all. I thought I did well with Xanatos, and yet Xanatos...
Perhaps the flaw is not within Xanatos, but within me.
I think I'm going to go to the meditation garden for a while. If I am the flaw, I am the wrong person to be training Anakin.
Pride. Always my besetting sin.
Let me not destroy those I love because of it.
On to Book Five
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