Master Apprentice Archive Xanatos Black and the Bean Stock Quick search:

Once upon a time there lived a handsome former padawan named Xanatos Black. Xanatos Black, so named because of the darkness of his soul as well as his glossy raven hair, had been cast out of the Jedi Temple following something he liked to call "the unfortunate incident." Master Yoda and the Jedi Council liked to call it "attempted murder." This, however, did not unduly concern Xanatos Black who had learned during his days at the Jedi Academy to focus on the here and now.

Not that Xanatos Black was without regrets. More than anything else Ð more than getting expelled from the order, more than losing the respect of the Jedi masters, more than having to abandon his collection of aromatherapy candles Ð he regretted having to leave his master, the famous Qui-Gon Jinn. Oh, how he had loved that man! Xanatos Black had desired his master for as long as he could remember, yet he was never more than a faithful apprentice to Qui-Gon. Xanatos Black's unrequited love had not faded with time, but had grown and grown. Just before his banishment it had peaked in an explosive climax!

If only his master had done the same, he thought sadly.

For in an effort to monopolize his master's attention, Xanatos Black had attempted to rid the temple of his rival, Obi White, so named because of the purity of his soul. Unfortunately, his master had instead cast out Xanatos Black and taken Obi White as his padawan.

Xanatos did not blame the master, however, but the new apprentice. "Obi White," Xanatos Black sneered to himself. "Everyone thinks he's such a little goody two shoes. Why, I'll bet he planned the whole thing! Always pretending to be so kind, so generous of spirit. Always looking so adorable in those white leggings, so luscious when he first comes out of the shower, all steamy and pouty and .... What am I doing! I will RUIN that little twit! How DARE he replace me in my master's affections!"

Jealousy ate at Xanatos Black, a jealousy that was fed by his daily exchanges with the magic mirror he had spirited away from the Jedi Temple. Every day he would ask the mirror questions about himself and his rival. Such as:

Mirror Mirror, round as a wheel
Which padawan has the most appeal?

Or

Mirror Mirror, fair and proud
Which padawan is the best endowed?

Or

Mirror Mirror, now don't give me a snow job
From which padawan does Qui most want a . . .

Well, you get the idea.

And everyday, he would be disappointed by the mirror's response.

*Though you're really quite lovely
and you're known for your zeal,
Pretty Obi's the one Qui-Gon wishes would kneel!"

Xanatos Black vowed to make Obi White pay for stealing his master. But how?

When he least expected it, the answer fell into his lap. An avid newshound, Xanatos Black began each day pouring over the _Coruscant Gazette (All the News The Force Has Sent!)_. On one particularly sunny morning, he found the following front page story.

"ACADEMY ACCOUNTS ATROPHY! Dateline: Coruscant. A recent audit of the Jedi Academy books revealed that the school has been operating in the red for several months. Observers blame a sharp decline in enrollments, and a corresponding loss of public funding. Parents throughout the galaxy have taken advantage of the Republic's new voucher program to yank students out of the academy Ð portrayed by its critics as stodgy and out of touch Ð and place them in new Ômagnet' schools such as the Tatooine School of Technology. At a hearing last year before the Republic senate, Master Yoda, spokesman for the KEA (Knight's Education Association), testified against the voucher plan, arguing ÔWarn you, I do! Great problems this will cause! Vouchers lead to funding cuts. Funding cuts lead to anger. Anger leads to suf-fer-ing.'"

Xanatos Black put down the paper, his face a study in concentration. So the Academy was having financial difficulties. Could he use this information to discredit Obi White?

Later that day, unaware of any potential plot against him, Obi White was walking in the forest, lost in thoughts of his own. He too had learned about the academy's problems, and he was very concerned about his future and the future of the school.

Obi White sighed. The last few months had been so perfect! After years of not having a master of his very own, he'd been chosen as the padawan learner of the most wonderful master of all, Qui-Gon Jinn. Master Qui-Gon had been everything a master should be: patient, knowledgeable, strong. He *was* sometimes irritable, although not with Obi White, oh no, never with his dear Obi White!

However, he occasionally lost his temper with the other masters who often stopped by and offered to help Obi White with his training. They would show up during his classes, cheer him on during kata practice, offer to set up training exercises such as "Spank me, please! I've been bad." Long a favorite with the masters, they would ask Obi White to use the Living Force to guess the contents of their trouser pockets, and if he failed Obi White had to pay a penalty to reinforce his determination to do better next time.

And he did fail. Quite often. Apparently the Living Force was not his strong suit. Everyone said so.

Although he too would have preferred to be left alone with his master, the generous Obi White, as always, tried to kind and understanding. Before Qui-Gon had become his master, Obi White's training had been divided up among the other master's at the temple, and apparently old habits died hard. Obi White had said just that to his master last week after he had angrily asked Master Windu to leave the classroom, only to have his master utter darkly, "*Something's* hard, alright. I'll grant you that, my young apprentice."

Obi White sighed again. He loved his master so, and the other masters were kind as well. There just had to be something he could do to help the academy resolve their monetary crisis.

Just then Obi White noticed a man standing at a fork in the trail, staring intently at a map. The man wore a rather large robe, and it was difficult to see his face because he had the hood pulled up. Obi White's generous heart immediately went out to the stranger. He too knew what it was like to be lost in the woods, and he went up to the man.

"Pardon me, sir. May I be of any help?"

The man looked up sharply. Although his face was still in the shadows, Obi White got a glimpse of dark blue eyes and a firm chin. When the man spoke, his voice was kind.

"Why yes, young man. I wonder if you could point me in the direction of the Jedi Academy?"

"Why that is no problem at all. I should really turn around and go back there myself. It is about an hour back down this path."

"An hour!" the man exclaimed, apparently in some distress. "Oh no, that won't do at all! I can't possibly take the time to go there now. And I so wanted to help those good people. I believe this," he patted the brief case he was carrying "contains the solutions to all their financial problems, and yet I don't have the time to take it to them."

"As I said, kind sir," Obi White said with excitement, "I am returning to the academy myself. I am Obi White, padawan learner to Qui-Gon Jinn. I would be happy to take your parcel and deliver it to Master Yoda and the Council."

"Oh, but I can't just let you have this young man. Oh no, that won't do at all. No, no."

"I assure you, I am most trustworthy." Obi White tried to look exceptionally virtuous and reliable.

"I'm sure you are, young man. But I'm afraid I must insist on some remuneration for them. Oh not much, by any means; but if the transaction is to be legal, I'm afraid I must insist."

"Stocks?" Obi White asked.

The stranger looked around as if he expected to find spies hidden behind the trees before leaning over and saying softly, "*Bean* stocks."

"Bean stocks," Obi White said flatly.

"Perfect!" the stranger crowed. "If an intelligent young man like yourself hasn't heard the news, then it's still a secret and the perfect time for the academy to get in on the ground floor! Soybean products, my boy. They're the wave of the future. You know how health conscious everyone is these days. The Hutt look is definitely out. These stock certificates will be worth their weight in gold! These stocks will go through the roof, I tell you, right through the roof!"

Obi White still wasn't convinced. "Gee, I don't know, kind sir ..."

"Believe me, it is the opportunity of a lifetime. And, I imagine the council would be *very* grateful to whomever grants them the gift of these certificates," the stranger said seductively. "But alas, it cannot be me."

Perhaps the stranger was right, Obi White thought. This *did* sound like a good opportunity. And wouldn't it be wonderful, if he, Obi White, were the one saved the Jedi Academy from financial ruin!

"Could I buy the stocks from you?" he asked. "I don't have much money on me, but perhaps I have something else you would want?"

"Well," the man said reluctantly, "I *have* always wanted a light saber." He looked pointedly at the saber hanging from Obi White's belt.

Obi White hesitated. His master had helped him make this light saber. It had been a very special time for the two of them. He remembered how he had described his dream light saber to his master. "I want something really hot, Master Qui-Gon! Something large, something rigid, yet pulsating with life! Something potent and powerful! And oh, how I shall thrust my big, throbbing saber at my opponents, Master! Thrust, thrust, thrust!..."

At that point, his master turned somewhat red and was seized by a violent fit of coughing and had to leave the room. But when he had returned, he had made his padawan's dream come true!

Still .... surely his master would understand that this was a once in a lifetime opportunity. He unhooked the saber from his belt. He caressed the handle gently. "I've always loved this saber," he said sadly. He brought it up to his lips and gave it a gentle kiss.

Xanatos Black gulped. He LOATHED the young man in front of him. HATED him with a passion. BLAMED him for all of his problems. But, hot damn! he was a sexy little number.

Obi White handed over the saber. Xanatos Black handed over the brief case, and spent longer than he had to watching Obi White sway that delectable little ass as he headed back to the academy. It had been so easy. Obi White was *so* gullible.

Qui-Gon would be furious that Obi White had bartered away the most visible symbol of the Jedi, the tool with which they protected the galaxy. Xanatos Black could remember the spanking Qui-Gon had given him the first time he'd inadvertently lost his light saber. And the second time. And the third time. But then Qui-Gon realized that Xanatos Black was doing it on purpose because he liked the punishment and started sending him to his room instead.

But he'd be particularly irate that little Mr. Perfect not only gave away his saber, but that he traded it for a bunch of worthless stock certificates. Finally his master and the rest of those sanctimonious Jedi would realize that Obi White was not as smart as they all thought he was! He could hardly wait to see the little twit squirm!

Okay, it wouldn't be as satisfying as seeing him boil in oil, but these days Xanatos Black took his pleasures where he found them.

When Obi White woke the next morning, it took him a moment to figure out what was wrong. And then he remembered. The normally sunny Obi White was unhappy. Desperately unhappy!

Laying in bed with his eyes closed, he recalled his humiliation yesterday before the Jedi Council. He had proudly rushed in with the briefcase and recounted his conversation with the kind stranger, and then handed over the bean stock, the answer to all the Academy's problems. But instead of the praise he expected, Obi White's gift was met with silence.

Then, worse, much worse, it was met with laughter. "Good one, you pull, young Padawan," Yoda had cackled. "Had us going, you did! Bean stocks, ha! So five minutes ago. All know that beef is what's for dinner these days. Cattle futures, now those we could have used!"

Obi White managed a small laugh, to show that he was in on the "joke," and then quickly backed out of the chamber. But before he could run to his quarters and hide his master stopped him.

"Obi White. Where is your light saber?"

"What's a light saber?" he asked innocently.

"*Obi White!*," Qui-Gon said sternly, and Obi White's face fell.

"Oh, I'm so sorry, Master Qui-Gon. I thought I was helping, and the stranger was so convincing. He promised me that the bean stock would go through the roof!"

Qui-Gon looked shocked. "Padawan, are you trying to tell me that you traded your light saber, the one we made together, for that worthless bean stock?"

"Yes, master. I'm so sorry, and not just because it was a bad trade. I didn't realize how much I would miss my saber. It meant so much to me that you helped me build it. I loved the way it felt as I walked, long and hard as it thumped against my thighs. Thump, thump, thump! It always made me think of you. Oh yes, I would remember the sight of your strong hands on my saber, polishing and rubbing it. Working with me until I learned to plunge it deeply. Plunge, plunge, plunge!"

Just then his master's face again went red and he started coughing. Qui-Gon turned and ran back into the council chamber.

Obi White sighed. He hoped his master wasn't catching a cold.

"I'd go get him a cold remedy, but I'd probably mess that up too," he thought despondently. He opened his eyes and rolled over to get out of bed. And immediately closed his eyes again, and the opened them once more. He was seeing things. He had to be.

For in the middle of his room, stood a large bean *stalk* in the very spot where Obi White had flung the stranger's brief case the night before. It crawled to the ceiling, and beyond, for a hole had opened up, it further crawled far up in the sky, above the clouds.

"The stranger was right," Obi White thought. "The bean stock *did* go through the roof!"

Seized by an irresistible impulse, Obi White went over to the stalk and began climbing, anxious to learn where it would lead. After several moments, his head poked up through the clouds and he found himself in another land. Everything was green and lush, and in the midst of it stood an imposing stone castle. The same curiosity that led Obi White to climb the stalk, led him to walk over to the castle.

He knocked on the door, and after a moment a woman opened the door and scowled at Obi White.

"What do you want?" she asked suspiciously.

At first he wasn't sure how to answer, and then he realized he was hungry. He was sure the woman would feed him. People were *always* offering to do things for him.

"Actually, I'm rather hungry," he said politely. "If it isn't too much trouble, perhaps you could let me have some breakfast."

Her scowl deepened, which Obi White found a bit perplexing. No one had ever scowled at him before. Occasionally someone would look at him like he or she was a starving dog, and Obi White was the last bone in the galaxy, but no one ever scowled.

Obi White gave the woman his most winning smile, and she relented and beckoned him inside.

"Alright then, come on. I'll feed you. One thing, though. You're not one of those padawans are you?"

"Why yes I am," answered the always truthful Obi White.

"I was afraid of that. Well keep quiet. My husband just loves padawans."

"But that's good, isn't it? If he loves padawans, perhaps I should just go and strike up a conversation."

"No you don't understand. He *loves* padawans. For breakfast, for lunch, for dinner, for late night snacks, for Sunday brunch. You name it. Unless you want to be served up as tonight's blue plate special, you'd better avoid him."

Obi White gulped and decided he would follow the woman's advice.

Just then, the sound of heavy footsteps reverberated throughout the castle. The woman panicked for a moment, and then pushed Obi White into a side room, and hid him behind some heavy curtains. Next thing Obi White knew, a man came into the room, his voice thundering.

"Fee Fi Fo Fum, I smell a padawan with an attractive bum!"

"Don't be ridiculous," the woman said. "There haven't been any padawans around here for years. And how can you tell someone has an attractive bum just by smelling?"

"Do I tell you how to keep house woman? Then don't tell me how to be a giant!"

While the couple was fighting, Obi White risked a peek through the curtains to see the man. He was indeed a very large creature. In fact, he looked a bit like Jabba the Hutt on steroids.

"Enough of this woman! Do I or do I not smell padawan?"

"You're imagining things. It's probably caused by hunger. Come with me to the kitchen and I'll fix your breakfast."

"I'll have breakfast here. Oh, and don't fix any of that canned padawan crap. If I can't have the real thing, I'll stick with bacon and eggs."

The woman gave one last warning look toward the curtains, and then left. The giant sat down in a large chair and reached beside him to pull up ... a golden ewok!

Personally, Obi White had never cared for ewoks. Everyone always made over them so, telling them how wonderful they were, so cute, so pretty, so innocent. Sometimes they even forgot Obi White was around, and that *never* happened, and they would go on and on about the sweetness of the little ewoks. It was enough to give a guy a toothache.

But this ewok was . . . special. For when the giant tickled it on its adorable little belly, the golden ewok giggled and cooed and then coughed up . . . a fur ball made of gold!

Actually, it was covered with saliva and rather disgusting once Obi White thought about it, but he was still fascinated. He quietly watched as the giant and the golden ewok repeated the process two more times.

Then the giant's wife came back in with a tray. "Here's your bacon and eggs. And I went ahead and fixed up a side of freeze dried padawan grits. The label says they taste just like the real thing."

The giant merely grunted and dug into this food as his wife left the room. The golden ewok wandered over toward the curtains. Obi White feared the creature would alert the giant to his presence, but he stopped about a foot away and curled up on the floor to take a nap. Apparently coughing up golden fur balls was tiring work.

When the giant finished his meal, he burped loudly, and then reached into a drawer where he pulled out . . . a golden light saber! It was as fine as any Obi White had ever seen, including the one he had given the kind stranger. And, as with the ewok, this was special saber. The giant pushed a button and the saber roared to life, and began singing the most beautiful song Obi White had ever heard. The giant smiled and sat the saber down on the table, and then he leaned back to take a nap.

Obi White remained still as he debated his options. Stealing *was* wrong after all. However, the giant didn't seem to be a very nice man, after all. He was an enemy of padawans everywhere, whereas he, Obi White, wanted to help padawans to receive the best training possible by keeping the Jedi Academy up and running.

Obi White made his decision. He reached out for the power of the Force, and then quickly grabbed the ewok in one hand and the golden light saber in the other. The ewok squealed, waking the giant who saw his two most prized possessions being spirited off by a padawan!

And what a padawan!

"Fe Fi Fo Fas, sweet lord a mercy!, check out that padawan's purty ass!"

"Wife!" the giant bellowed. "A padawan is stealing my golden ewok! Bring me my shotgun! And the ketchup bottle!"

Obi White ran as fast as he'd ever ran in his life. When he reached the bean stalk, he hooked the saber on to his belt, and one arm still around the squirming ewok, he started down. He'd made it about half way when the giant got to the top and began firing at Obi White. Fearful, not only of his own life, but of what Master Yoda would say if Obi White let a giant Jabba loose in the Jedi Temple, the padawan jumped to the bottom of the stalk, resisting the impulse to a couple flips as he did so. After all, this was hardly the time to show off.

After landing safely, Obi White pulled out the light saber, ignited it, and swiftly cut through the stalk. For a second nothing happened, and then it shimmered and dissolved into sheet after sheet of paper Ð bean stock certificates. They floated gently to the ground.

Obi White blinked, and wondered if the entire thing had been a dream. But just then the ewok started wiggling again. He looked at the creature, and at the golden light saber. He put down the saber, and scratched the ewok on its stomach. It giggled and cooed and spit up a golden fur ball.

It really was disgusting, Obi White thought.

Nonetheless, Obi White's brave actions saved the Jedi Academy! The golden fur balls were melted down (they cleaned them off first) and sold for cash. This allowed the Academy to buy the kind of things that it needed to attract quality students in the current market and become a first rate academic institution Ð new computers, an updated library, a pizza franchise for the new food court, and the best I-A football team that money could buy!

To reward Obi White, the council made him a gift of the golden light saber, to replace the one he'd traded for the bean stock. Sometimes, when he looked at it, Obi White would wonder what had happened to the kind stranger. For Obi White knew that it was the stranger who was the real hero.

Xanatos Black, in turn, was furious when he learned of Obi White's triumph! He'd gotten the bad news from the magic mirror, when he'd asked

"Mirror mirror, I hear trouble's a brewin'!
Please tell me, tell me of young Obi White's ruin!"

*Ah the fair Obi White, so stalwart and brave
With his courage and skill, the school he has saved!* "

Saved!" screeched Xanatos Black. "But I set him up to fail! I set him up to disappoint Qui-Gon!"

*Dear Xanatos Black, your scheming must stop
For always, always will Obi White end up on top . . .
unless Master Qui-Gon prefers that position
then Obi will happily accept his submission!*

Xanatos Black gave the mirror a stormy look, and stomped off. Even after he learned the full story, Xanatos Black was not sure what had happened to transform the phony stock certificates into a magical bean stalk. He did know it was the last time he bought phony stock certificates off of Yahoo! auctions without demanding a certificate of authenticity that fully established their phoniness.

And he vowed to make Obi White pay!

Fortunately his rival and his former master were blissfully unaware of Xanatos Black and his plans. One night, not long after Obi White's trip up and down the bean stalk, Qui-Gon found his apprentice looking at his new light saber.

"Your new golden saber is lovely, Obi White."

Obi White looked up, and the smile he gave his master was bittersweet. "I still miss the saber we made together, master. And all the lessons you taught me. "

Qui-Gon leaned down and whispered in Obi White's ear. "I'll let you in on a secret, my dear apprentice. There are still many things left for me to teach you."

And they lived happily ever after.