Summary (the hard part sigh): Qui-Gon thinks back on things
that happened in his life.
Feedback: Please!! Helpful comments are very welcome, and
praise will get you more fic (hopefully)
Disclaimer: They're not mine, but Santa sure hears the wishes
of they were:)
Notes: A big thank you to Righ for betaing, and this is for the
IRC crowd, if not for you guys I'd not be posting this. Also,
this wa inspired by the song "Wrong Again" by Martina McBride
Qui-Gon gazed lovingly at his sleeping soulmate.
He was worth all the pain and betrayal he'd been through. Worth
everything in his life and worth living for.
Qui-Gon's thought drifted back to think of the events that had
led to this day. It had actually started with happiness.
Qui-Gon stared into the deep blue eyes of the man who stood in
his doorway. He had watched him grow from a boy into a man, and
in a few years he would watch him become a Jedi knight.
At the moment none of that mattered.
Qui-Gon had not been surprised when just two years ago his
Padawan had come asking him to become his lover for he had felt
the desire, but his reply then had been "Ask again in two years
when you're 18," and that day had come.
"I asked you two years ago if you loved me and would take me as
your lover. You asked me to ask again when I came of age." The
blue eyes burned into Qui-Gon's "Qui-Gon, do you love me, will
you accept me as your lover?"
Qui-Gon felt the passion and hunger behind those words and he
sent his feelings with his answer. "I love you, Xanatos and I
gladly accept you as my lover."
Xanatos reached forward to pull Qui-Gon to him for a kiss, and
the force sang at their joy.
Qui-Gon had loved Xanatos with all his heart, and he still
treasured the memories of what they had shared. There were few
happy ones, but the ones there were were sometimes beyond
belief.
Qui-Gon gasped for air as e tried to stop laughing as Xanatos
stood mimicking Chancellor Zan's long, drawn-out dinner
speeches.
They'd been on this mission for two weeks and it was beginning
to be a physical pain to listen to Zan drone on in a monotone
voice.
Xanatos was using the same monotone, mimicking Zan completely,
but for some reason he couldn't see Zan saying things that
would put the Karma Sutra to shame.
A sudden noise brought their attention to the door, where Zan
stood, not at all amused.
Qui-Gon shook his head ruefully. How could they have known that
Zan took nightly walks at 2 in the morning? Qui-Gon could sill
remember Yoda's comments on the incident.
"Improper, it is," Yoda had said. "Interesting report, received
we did."
Despite that, it seemed that everyone wanted Xanatos to write a
book.
Qui-Gon wondered if Zan would ever allow Jedi back in Tantus
again.
Qui-Gon's thoughts moved along. He'd thought he'd found a lover
and a life-long friend in Xanatos. He'd never dreamed of how
wrong he would be.
Qui-Gon lay curled in a ball in the corner of his room. His
mind numbly noted that the ship was taking off, leaving the
planet and Xanatos behind, but he didn't have the energy to
even care. His heart was shredded, his mind shattered. The bond
between him and Xanatos was severed, and it felt as if his life
was bleeding from the torn bond.
He didn't know which had hurt worse. The hate he had felt
directed at him or the pain from when Xanatos has roughly
severed the bond between them.
Qui-Gon was thankful that he had decided to wait before
lifebonding to Xanatos. His mind was raw from their
student/teacher bond being severed. If it had been a full
lifebond it probably would have killed him upon Xanatos'
severing it, or driven him insane.
A small part of him wished that it had, but he pushed that
thought down, and walled it away with the pain, suffering and
love. He would survive this, but he doubted he'd live life as
he once had.
He'd had his chance and he'd been badly hurt. He'd not take the
risk and be wrong again.
Qui-Gon shuddered at those remebered thoughts, his resolve to
not risk love could have cost him dearly. But he had been wrong
in his belief. For the love of his life and other half of his
soul would find him and teach him how to live again, and to
love.
Qui-Gon just knew he had to get away. The boy was a danger to
the walls he had built. He didn't know why, but he knew he
would come to care for the boy if they stayed together.
And to care is to hurt. A voice whispered.
But to care is also to live, his mind replied, but he
knew the fear of the pain had won again. He would play it safe.
He'd been so afraid. If only he had known, he'd not have
resisted. But back then if he'd have known, he probably would
have run screaming the other way.
He cursed the little green toad. Now Qui-Gon had no choice. If
he couldn't get away from the boy soon, he'd give in and take
him as his Padawan, and with this mission there was little
chance of escape.
Qui-Gon took a deep breath and looked inside himself, studying
the wall he had built around his feelings. It was already weak
from time, and the boy was just managing to pry open the
cracks. Qui-Gon steeled his resolve for however long it would
last.
Qui-Gon smiled ironically. He'd thanked his master afterwards,
and then wanted to strangle the little green toad moments later
when Yoda had simply replied. "Planned, it was."
Wounds reopened from seeing his former love. If it wasn't for
the boy and all the innocent people he'd just let fate take
him.
Suddenly he realized Obi-Wan was offering his life for his own.
At that moment the force allowed him a glimpse of the future
and offered him a promise. One path lay dark and lonely, the
other while hard offered love and life worth living. Qui-Gon
knew which he must choose and with that knowledge came the
solution to save them both.
It had taken a long time for Obi-Wan's magic to heal his heart.
He had found in that time life was worth more than just being,
it was worth living and he realized that while he had loved
Xanatos with his heart, Obi-Wan owned his heart and soul. Their
bond had been strong for just a student/teacher, and they both
felt the love they each had. Which brought them to earlier
tonight.
Qui-Gon stood as he had that fateful night years ago. The night
that had set his life on this path, and once again he stared
into the blue eyes of the man at his door.
But this time it was different. This time the blue eyes were as
light as a summer sky. This time no words were needed, for they
could feel each other's hearts and the budding lifebond they
shared, and this time there was no hesitation to bring the bud
to life.
Qui-Gon reached forward clasping Obi-Wan's hands in his.
Knowing in this he was right, and that the pain and shadows of
the wrongs while still memories did not exist in his life and
love any more and as his soul was bound to Obi-Wan's he had
never felt so free.
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