Archive: By Master & Apprentice, my site, WWOMB and
SithChicks
Pairing: O/Other, Q/Other, O/Q
Category: Alternate Universe
Rating: NC-17 for the series; this episode rated PG-13
Disclaimer: Yadda, yadda, yadda.
Warning: Character death.
Summary: In his quest to be with his beloved Master again,
Obi-Wan discovers what might have been after Qui-Gon's passing.
Notes: I'm paying homage to the great SF author, L. Sprague
DeCamp with this story. Back in the 30's-40's he wrote the
definitive AU novel called "The Wheels of If", which conceit
I'm borrowing here. Thanks (as always) to Beta Readers Par
Excellence Fox, HiperBunny and Emrin Alexander. Thank you,
ladies, my cup runneth over with your support.
Yoda eyed Obi-Wan Kenobi shrewdly over his cup of tea. "More
than your Master have you lost. Soul hurt you are."
Swallowing, Obi-Wan looked into his cup. "Yes. It's been...
difficult to come to terms with that one reality."
It was late morning. Yoda's rooms were much as they had always
been, furniture mostly sized for the diminutive Master and
large pillows scattered about for visitors bigger than Yoda -
as most visitors were. The two had been speaking for several
hours, Obi-Wan explaining who he was and how he had come to be
there, Yoda listening and absorbing with his customary
intensity.
At first, Yoda had thought the young Knight at his door was the
Obi-Wan Kenobi who lived a few doors down from him with his
Padawan, Anakin Skywalker. Everything in this reality was the
same as in Obi-Wan's reality... Qui-Gon had died at the hands
of the Sith on Naboo and Obi-Wan had sliced said Sith in half.
Qui-Gon had died, his last words instructions to his Padawan to
train the boy, and Obi-Wan had been doing so. But Yoda was
worried about Obi-Wan and now was worried about both Obi-Wans.
"Meditation you need, to purge your anger and guilt," Yoda said
to Obi-Wan. "Help, you may be to Obi-Wan here. Much anger he
has still. Fear for the boy I do."
Their conversation had been wide-ranging and not without a few
surprises for Yoda. Palpatine had been one; the resurgence of
the Sith had been another. But it was the reality where the
Sith ruled the Temple that saddened Yoda the most. "Hurt you
were, and badly too."
"Yes, Master," Obi-Wan replied. "I-I'm coming to terms with it.
It's probably going to take me a while longer yet." Sipping his
tea, he continued. "I felt...I blamed the Force for what
happened to me there. I was trapped, and at first I knew
everything would be all right, I felt as though I would manage
to win my freedom, eventually. But when... but when he - the
dark one - when he came to me, and what he did to me... I still
don't understand why the Force would have let me become so
badly hurt." Obi-Wan rubbed at a soft spot on his tunic sleeve.
"I lost the ability to meditate after a while, I was so angry
at the Force. In a way, becoming a slave to Qui-Gon -
giving myself to him rather than him taking it from me -
seemed to help the most. But I still..." he trailed off.
Yoda sat still and simply examined the young Knight. Normally,
Obi-Wan would have flinched and fidgeted under that penetrating
gaze, but this time he was calm, wrapped in his own thoughts.
The Force sang to him again, and he was gradually regaining his
center and his serenity.
"Tell me why you are worried about your Obi-Wan," he asked,
wanting to change the subject.
After another moment of silence, Yoda sighed and his ears
drooped. "Much anger there is in him. Qui-Gon's passing he did
not take well."
"Were they lovers, Master Yoda?" Obi-Wan asked.
"No," Yoda replied. "Love there was, but not from my Padawan.
Undemonstrative was my Padawan. Hurt his Padawan, he did."
"How about Anakin? How is he doing?"
"Chosen one or not, strong the boy is. But worried I am about
them both."
They spoke for a bit longer, Yoda obviously holding back on
questions he wanted to ask Obi-Wan. After a while, Obi-Wan
suggested he meet with this reality's Obi-Wan. "I've become
quite adept at sensing the dark," he said wryly.
"Good plan this is," Yoda said slowly. "Eat lunch here, we
will, then call Obi-Wan to me I will. Go you can to watch
Anakin, then return here."
Nodding, Obi-Wan agreed.
Anakin had 'saber practice that afternoon. While Yoda had his
meeting, Obi-Wan pulled his hood up and quietly went to the
small arena to watch the boy who had been his Padawan - in his
reality. Taking a seat high in the back of the bleachers, he
focused on Anakin Skywalker as the boy sparred with a
substitute teacher.
He was substantially the same as Obi-Wan remembered. Quick,
bright, cheerful: the boy appeared to be making excellent
progress in his 'saber skills. Obi-Wan had a pang of conscience
as he thought about the Anakin he had left behind and wondered
briefly how he was doing.
Then something strange happened. Momentarily distracted, Anakin
missed a parry and allowed the Knight working with him inside
his guard. The low-power 'sabers would cause no injury, but
nonetheless, Anakin dropped his 'saber and immediately went
into a protective crouch, as though expecting further blows.
The Knight stopped, nonplused, and Obi-Wan could hear him ask
what was wrong. After a moment, the boy straightened, his face
red. He picked up his 'saber and they continued.
Obi-Wan sat still for a long while after that, not watching so
much as thinking. He detected no real darkness in the child,
but there was definitely something wrong with his Force aura,
something subtly different from the boy he had known. Quietly,
Obi-Wan climbed off the bleachers and slipped out of the arena.
Yoda had asked for over an hour before meeting again, so
Obi-Wan turned his steps to the topiary garden near the center
of the Temple. It was a quiet place and he felt in dire need of
meditation, even as he wondered whether he would be able to
ground himself sufficiently to achieve it.
He needn't have worried. Settling into lotus on a sunny patch
of grass, he closed his eyes and evened out his breathing.
Before he knew it, the Force was coursing strongly through him
and he was settling into a light trance. He barely even had to
work to fight off the harsh images that almost always plagued
him whenever he closed his eyes, even for a moment. It was
almost as if the Force was proud of him, he reflected wryly.
"The Force is proud of you, Padawan," a soft voice said.
"I am too."
So centered and at peace was he that Obi-Wan didn't even flinch
at the sound of that voice. Instead, he slowly opened his eyes
and focused on what was before him... which was Qui-Gon, also
in lotus, his face sad and body surrounded by a blue nimbus.
"Qui-Gon," Obi-Wan said softly. "I'm not the..."
"I know," Qui-Gon interrupted him gently. "I know who you are,
and where you've come from, and what you've endured. Had I
anything to say about it, I would have protected you. But I
could not." His face grew even sadder. "You have been strong
and brave, Padawan, and the Force is very proud of all that
you've accomplished."
Closing his eyes again, Obi-Wan breathed. He allowed all the
gibbering terror, the screaming frustration, the agonizing
pain, the anger, depression and resentment he had felt at the
Force, at Qui-Gon, at all of it, to bubble to the surface of
his mind and pop, scattering it all to the wind of the Force.
The Force accepted it, dispersed it, and sank into his mind
like a balm, soothing him. He opened his eyes. It was not all
gone, and would not be for some time yet, he understood. But it
was better.
Still sitting before him, Qui-Gon's face was sadly tender, and
sympathy shone in his face. "The Force has a reason for
everything that happens, Obi-Wan," he said. "It may seem
arbitrary to you, just as most terrible things seem arbitrary.
But there is a reason, be assured of that. It will make sense
to you, someday."
They sat in silence for a while, then Qui-Gon continued. "I've
come with a warning, Obi-Wan. The Obi-Wan you'll find here is
on the verge of turning. You, more than anyone else, know what
will happen if that occurs. You have touched the dark, and it
has touched you, invaded you. You and he are the same. The idea
of turning to the dark..."
"Death would be preferable," Obi-Wan said simply.
"Yes. Your understanding is becoming more complete, more
thorough." Qui-Gon smiled with pride.
"Who are you, really?" Obi-Wan asked, curious.
"I am Qui-Gon," the other man said simply. "I am one with the
Force. Just as you are Obi-Wan, in a sense, all Obi-Wans and
just you, I am all those Qui-Gons who have died and joined with
the Force."
"Those that are of the light," Obi-Wan qualified softly.
"Yes. Those who are not... they will never know the peace of
the Force. It is beyond their reach."
"Did you - did the Qui-Gon from this reality - love him?"
Obi-Wan asked.
Qui-Gon appeared to think. "I-I don't know. I closed off that
part of my heart years ago, and it atrophied, just withered
away. Perhaps had I been able to express how I felt more
openly..." Qui-Gon looked down at his hands, which rested,
relaxed, on his knees. "I blame myself for his damage, Obi-Wan.
I was harsh and judgmental, and would not allow myself to
bend."
Smiling gently, Obi-Wan said, "A wise man once told me that
there's no sense in crying over lost chances. I will be
vigilant here, Qui-Gon."
"That's all I - and the Force - can ask." He smiled again at
Obi-Wan. "You will heal, you know. Inside and out. And
your time is coming... it is closer than you think." He began
to fade, but before he disappeared, Obi-Wan felt a soft touch
against his cheek and heard the whispered words, "The Force is
with you always."
Obi-Wan let his eyes sag shut again and breathed, thinking
about the words of the Force ghost. Rather than struggling with
his demons, he allowed calm acceptance to flower in his head.
Rather than struggling with his past, he lived in the moment
again, and let the peace of the light flow through him.
Soon, his time was up, and he rose to seek Master Yoda once
more.
As Yoda let him into the apartment, he gave the young Knight a
sharp, penetrating look, but said nothing. Obi-Wan maintained
the peace he had found in the garden, and it was lucky he did
so, for meeting his doppelganger was anything but peaceful. The
young man who wore his face stood to greet him, his own face
the expected mask of shock; but the wave of dark emotion that
swirled from him fair bid to stagger Obi-Wan.
"It's true..." the other Knight whispered. "Yoda told me...
it's so hard to believe..."
Obi-Wan smiled and waved the other man back to his seat.
"Believe me, you are reacting much the same as I did the first
time I met up with myself." He chuckled. "I need a whole new
set of adjectives and adverbs for this. To avoid confusion...
just call me Ben, all right? No sense in driving ourselves mad
with this."
"A-all right, Ben," Obi-Wan stuttered, his face still shocked.
"I was watching Anakin at his drills," Obi-Wan/Ben said
casually. "To be honest, it reminded me of home... I find I
miss Ani. He seems to be doing well."
There was a ruthlessly suppressed wave of
anger/jealousy/revulsion from the other man when Obi-Wan/Ben
said the child's name. "Yes, he's doing all right. Still needs
a lot of work, though."
"Well, he's young. He's a good-hearted child, though."
Examining the other man through narrowed eyes, he continued. "I
often feel bad that I had to leave Ani behind in my travels.
After all, he misses Qui-Gon as much as I."
"I find that hard to believe," Obi-Wan said coldly, looking
away from the man opposite him. After a moment, he continued.
"Yoda tells me that you've seen Master... I mean, Qui-Gon. Is
this... is this true? There are other realities where he
lived?"
"Yes," 'Ben' replied. Another wave of emotion cascaded over
him, this one hope/despair/triumph, with an underlying anger.
Shooting a glance at Yoda, who was watching the byplay
carefully, 'Ben' continued. "There are realities where he lived
and I-we didn't. And realities where we never existed at all."
"How-how do you manage this? This...transfer between
realities?" Obi-Wan asked, trying to hide his eagerness and not
succeeding.
After a moment of reflection, Obi-Wan/Ben pulled out Qui-Gon's
old 'saber, which was hooked to the front of his belt.
"Somehow, repairing my Master's old 'saber changed it. Whenever
I turn it on... bang. I'm somewhere... someIF else."
The hunger in Obi-Wan's eyes was not pretty as he stared at the
'saber in his alter-ego's hands. After a few moments, 'Ben'
said softly, "Your shielding could use some work, you know."
Obi-Wan looked up quickly, his face flushing. "Wh-what do you
mean?"
"I'm sure it's just me... I've found I can communicate on a
much deeper level with the other 'mes' of every reality," 'Ben'
said, dismissively. "But your emotions are careering all over
the place. Would you like to go somewhere quiet and share
meditation? I could tell you something of my travels."
Shields slammed up, cutting the flow of emotion down to a
trickle as Obi-Wan fought to get himself under control. He
stared at the exact replica of himself that sat across from
him, at ease, under control, more peaceful than he had been in
months. But he hungered, and that hunger would not allow him to
leave the sight of this strange man, so he acquiesced. "That
might be helpful," he finally said. "And I would like to know
of your travels."
"How about the topiary garden then," 'Ben' said. "I was just
there and as usual it's deserted. Would that suit?"
"Certainly." Obi-Wan stood, careful to not look directly at
either of the two beings in the room. "I need to seek out my
Padawan, or at least leave him a note. Shall I meet you there
in a few minutes?"
"Sounds good. I'll wait for you." Smiling, he watched Obi-Wan
leave the room. As the door shut behind him, 'Ben' turned to
the diminutive Master. "You felt that?'
Nodding, Yoda's ears drooped. "Felt it I did."
"Please stay close, but don't let him sense you. I'll do my
best."
"Understood, that is. Help I will get. Force be with you."
"Oh, in this it is, Master Yoda," 'Ben' chuckled, without much
mirth. "I can pretty much guarantee that."
By the time Obi-Wan had seen to leaving a note for Anakin and
had made his way to the topiary garden, a little less than half
an hour had passed. Obi-Wan/Ben sat in lotus waiting for him,
radiating the Force. Swallowing, Obi-Wan fought back his
eagerness and anger, locking them behind the tightest shields
he could forge, then entered the garden and sank into lotus
opposite his alter-ego.
Rather than trying to force the young man into meditation,
'Ben' instead began telling him of his travels, talking about
the many things he had seen and done. Obi-Wan's interest grew
over the course of the tale, but 'Ben' noted that the
conversation was always dragged back to those realities where
Qui-Gon had been. While laughing over those realities where one
or both of them had been female, the subject was always quickly
changed back to the male Qui-Gon, the Master. The young man's
questions were avid and intense, aiming for only one thing.
'Ben' was careful to edit his tales, not admitting that he had
been intimate with Qui-Gon, for he sensed the anger and
resentment building. He still wasn't entirely sure where that
anger came from, but having seen Anakin's reaction in the
practice hall he was fairly sure what outlet Obi-Wan was using
for it. And the many questions about Qui-Gon were something of
an indication as well, for every time that name was mentioned,
'Ben' could feel a spike of some emotion, swiftly squashed,
from the other man.
Eventually, 'Ben' found himself talking about his happy time
with Qui-Gon and 'Obi-One', and described that reality with
fond regret. "...So when I left, they were a Master-Knight
pair, and ready for Naboo. As ready as I could make them,
anyway," he finished, somewhat sadly. Obi-Wan was quiet as
'Ben' wound down.
"They hadn't been to Naboo?" He asked, his eyes narrowing. "I
thought you said it was always the same time whenever you
popped in?"
"It is," 'Ben' explained. "But apparently there's a bit of
leeway in the timing of significant events, and Naboo is one
hell of a significant event."
Swallowing, Obi-Wan tightened his shields and tried to keep his
voice casual. "So... if you had shown up here a few months
earlier, you would have been able to keep Qui-Gon alive. Here."
'Ben' replied carefully to that, watching his doppelganger
intently. "I suppose it's possible. But..."
"No buts. He would have been alive if you had hurried a bit
faster."
"There are a few things I'm not telling you, Obi-Wan," 'Ben'
started to say, but Obi-Wan cut him off.
"Oh, I heard those things," he sneered, his chin quivering with
rage and despair. "Those things you're 'not telling me.' I can
understand what you' re saying. You've been with him. You've
slept with him, haven't you."
After a moment, 'Ben' gently replied, "On occasion, yes. I was
also raped by him."
Obi-Wan rocked back. "Wha..?"
"There was a world...a reality where the Sith ruled the Temple.
And he ruled the Sith. I-I was captured and brutalized." Taking
a deep breath to regain his center, 'Ben' continued. "Is that
what you wanted to hear?"
But Obi-Wan didn't hear that last phrase; his brain was too
busy churning. 'Ben' could practically see the wheels turning,
hear the man dart from conclusion to incorrect conclusion. "A
Sith. He was a Sith! Now I understand. Not always... no. It
wasn't my fault! Should have... I should have..."
"Obi-Wan. Obi-Wan!" Obi-Wan/Ben nearly shouted at the other
man, reaching out to touch his leg. "Stop. I know how much
anger you have at him..."
"Do you? I doubt it," Obi-Wan said quickly, snapping the words
out. "You might have at the beginning, but since then... you've
seen him. You've lain with him! But mine... oh no. He was not
the noble warrior. 'Promise me you 'll train the boy'... the
boy be damned to seven levels of Sith hell! Sith! Yes. That's
what he was... that's what he is in all of them!"
"No, Obi-Wan," 'Ben' said sadly, gripping the other man's knee
hard. "No. He's not. Not in all of them... not even in most of
them. I admit I had doubts after that last one...but he's good.
He's a good, strong man, worthy of the love you felt for him.
As you were worthy of the love..."
In full cry now, Obi-Wan was barely capable of hearing, not at
all of understanding. "Worthy?! I think not. I-I loved him! I
wanted him, I begged him to love me, to have me, in any way. He
rejected me. Rejected me! No. He was not worthy."
Obi-Wan was radiating emotions now, which were turbulent,
dangerous; fully out of control. Obi-Wan/Ben tried to soothe
him by blanketing him with Force peace, but it was to no avail.
And there was something else, a presence of some kind, someone
who had influenced the other Knight... Becoming more agitated,
Obi-Wan leapt to his feet and began to pace, still talking
disjointedly.
"I see it now. I see it now. All I wanted... I wanted to tell
him I'm sorry... but no, it was him... he should have been... I
see it now. It all makes sense!"
"Master!" A cry from across the garden and Anakin was hurrying
towards them. Obi-Wan/Ben mentally cursed; the roiling emotions
from the Master must have been pouring across the bond with the
Padawan, making the boy believe his Master was in danger or
trouble. Naturally the child would want to come to his aid.
Whirling, Obi-Wan faced Anakin, pointed and shouted, stopping
the boy in his tracks. Anakin's face went pale. "YOU! This is
all YOUR fault! If he hadn't found you... he rejected me
because of YOU!"
Leaping to his feet, 'Ben' grabbed Obi-Wan's shoulders, shaking
him. "Don't do this, Obi-Wan," he said firmly. "Don't take it
out on Anakin like you've been doing. It's not fair to him. He
had nothing to do with it, and you know it."
Anakin looked between the two men, who both seemed to be his
Master, confusion, unhappiness, even terror evident on his
face. "Master?" he whimpered, backing away a step.
"Run, Anakin," Obi-Wan/Ben said urgently. "Get out of the
garden. Now." Obeying the 'Master tone' of voice automatically,
Anakin turned and ran to the door of the garden, but he could
not leave. He began crying, the emotions pouring into him from
a foreign source taking their toll.
Obi-Wan whirled on the foreign Obi-Wan. "How dare you," he
hissed. "Anakin is MY Padawan. You are nothing but a-an
intruder. You don't even know what to do. You don't even know
what you're SUPPOSED to do." Obi-Wan/Ben's eyes sagged shut as
he felt the waves of darkness pour off his alter-ego.
// I'm sorry, Qui-Gon, // he thought sadly to himself. It
appeared as though Obi-Wan was giving up and giving in, and he
couldn't let that happen.
Desperately trying one more time, he shook the man he held
again. "Listen to me. Do you feel it? Coming out of yourself.
Darkness. You are giving in to it. Fight it. You can do it.
Please... don't do this."
"Giving in?" Obi-Wan was reduced to a snarl. "Maybe. Maybe
that's what HE did. I understand it now. What he was saying. I
didn't want to believe... but I understand it now. It's true.
And I'm going to hunt all of them down and kill them all. All
of them."
Twisting out of Obi-Wan/Ben's hands, the other man reached for
Qui-Gon's 'saber clipped to the other man's belt. Dancing out
of the way, 'Ben' kept talking, kept trying to break through
the darkness he felt pouring off his other self. The emotions
were literally overwhelming him with fear and nausea, mostly
caused by the memory flashbacks, and he wasn't too sure how
much longer he could hold out.
"Come on, Obi-Wan," he said, barely aware of the tears running
down his face, "Please. Fight it. Try. Qui-Gon is not your
enemy..."
"YES he IS!" the other man shrieked, drawing his 'saber and
igniting it. He charged 'Ben', who managed to dodge at the last
minute, drawing Qui-Gon's 'saber, but not igniting it. "Give me
that 'saber!" screamed Obi-Wan, charging again.
Managing to dodge one last time, 'Ben' tried to speak calmly,
his voice thick with tears. "Listen to me, please. You know I'm
right. Fight it Obi-Wan... you can. I can help you."
"No, you can't," the other man sobbed, nearly doubling over,
resting his hands on his knees. "No one can help me. He told
me... I'm all alone now. All alone." Suddenly looking up, his
face was twisted into feral rage. "And if I can't have him, no
one will!" He charged again, bringing his 'saber up for a
slashing blow.
'Ben' ignited Qui-Gon's 'saber and brought it up to parry the
killing stroke. His eyes growing wide, Obi-Wan looked at the
'saber and back up at his own face, staring at him over the
crossed, glowing blades. "You LIED. You said it was this
'saber. You lying BASTARD! You're just like HIM!"
He lost all reason then; his mind simply snapped. Behind them
'Ben' could hear Anakin screaming "Master!" in a broken voice,
and could feel Yoda coming to the boy's aid as the training
bond disintegrated under the onslaught of darkness. But he had
his hands full with his doppelganger, who was incoherently
shrieking in his need to kill.
Reluctantly, the young Knight fought with the man who was
him... and not him. Not him any longer. The remnant of what had
once been a Jedi Knight fought with a searing, dark energy that
reminded Obi-Wan/Ben of nothing so much as the Sith warrior he
had killed back at the pit on Naboo, Maul. But the light was
shining strongly through 'Ben', and the Force sang to him in
this fight. Almost before it had begun, it was over, and the
man once known as Obi-Wan Kenobi was impaled on his erstwhile
Master's 'saber.
Powering off the weapon, the young Knight caught the other man
gently, lowering him to the ground. Anakin twisted out of
Yoda's grip and raced up to the two men, instinctively knowing
which man was which by the shattered bond bleeding in his head.
"Master, Master!" he wailed, cradling Obi-Wan's head.
Obi-Wan/Ben knelt by the boy and gently took him into his arms.
"I'm sorry, Ani," he whispered.
"You killed him, you killed him," the boy wept, reaching to
touch his Master.
"No..." the whispered word came from below them. Not quite dead
but fading rapidly, Obi-Wan's eyes finally lost their madness
as his body died. "No... Ani. Died...I died when Qui-Gon...
died. Sorry. So sorry. Forgive... me?"
Not letting go of the boy, 'Ben' helped him kneel at his
Master's side. Anakin took the dying man's hand and held it
tightly. "I forgive you Master. I do. And Master Qui-Gon does
too."
His Master didn't hear him; he was already dead. Anakin buried
his face in the living man's tunics and sobbed. Turning his
head, Obi-Wan, now the only living Obi-Wan in the garden,
looked up at Yoda, anguish clear on his face. "I-I ..."
Laying one hoary old claw on his head, Yoda said, "No. To the
Force he has gone, his decision it was." He sighed. "With
Master is he now. To pyre will we give him."
Anakin lifted his tear streaked face. "My Master is dead! My
Master is dead! Who will train me now? Master Yoda, I don't
want to be a slave again!"
"My Padawan you will be," Yoda answered decisively. "Slave you
are not. Jedi you will be, if what you want that is."
"Yes," Anakin answered slowly. Both Obi-Wan and Yoda poured
soothing thoughts and healing energies into the traumatized
boy, relaxing him somewhat. Taking a deep, shuddering breath,
Ani looked down at his dead Master. "I do. I want to make
Master Obi-Wan proud of me."
"He is, Anakin," Obi-Wan answered, continuing his healing
efforts.. "He is very proud of you. The Force is too. You will
be a great Jedi Knight some day, and don't you doubt it."
His chin still quivering, Anakin looked up at the man holding
him. "You aren't Master Obi-Wan, but you look like him.
Why...?"
"It's a long story. Let's get your Master settled, and I'll
tell it all to you."
"Promise?"
"Promise."
"Okay." Tenderly, Anakin laid the hand he was still holding on
the dead man 's chest, raising the other to meet it. They
covered the hole in his chest so that he looked to be only
sleeping. "Rest in the Force, Master," he said, his voice thick
with tears again. "I hope... I hope you find Master Qui-Gon."
"He will, Anakin. He will."
The three Jedi slowly made their way out of the garden as the
healers entered with a stretcher to bear the body of the fallen
one out.
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