SUMMARY: Qui-Gon, Obi-Wan. Pre-slash, angst. The sequel is "The
Master's Lesson". Obi-Wan approaches his master for answers
about Qui-Gon's past with Xanatos, and is rebuffed.
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NOTE: All of my stories may be found on my site
(http://www.europa.com/~mercutio/Stories.html).
Betrayal. That was what Obi-Wan felt now.
A master could not betray his apprentice. Not when they shared
a training bond. Not if Obi-Wan was willing to bring up
anything that seemed to be going wrong, and he was, even if
they'd only been master and padawan for a short span of time.
If you shared some knowledge of another's true thoughts and
feelings, and were willing to talk to them, what more needed to
be done? Wasn't that the recipe for a good relationship?
He would have thought so. Had thought so, before today.
Obi-Wan glanced at the door, frustrated. He was hiding in his
bedroom. Well, perhaps 'hiding' was a bad word. One didn't hide
from Jedi masters -- the Jedi masters in question could usually
be counted on to be quite good at finding. Particularly when
Obi-Wan's bedroom was a part of Qui-Gon's suite. It wasn't like
Obi-Wan had retreated very far.
And yet, in a way, he was hiding.
He could not go out there again. Not without wincing. It was
too painful. Too unsettling to be at odds with his master, if
at odds he was.
Obi-Wan remembered the conversation he'd had with Qui-Gon only
minutes ago. He'd heard the gossip while at the noon meal, away
from Qui-Gon, and had wasted no time in confronting his master.
He would not believe the gossip. Not without asking his master
if it were true.
He didn't know if that meant that he could blindly believe
Qui-Gon. If the gossip were true, then he could not trust the
Jedi master. And it seemed... scarily plausible.
Obi-Wan had close access to Qui-Gon, as his padawan. He saw
things other people didn't, and was privy to moments other
people would not have witnessed.
And, it seemed, that it could be true. That his master could
be...
He shook his head.
In any case, it didn't matter. When Obi-Wan confronted
Qui-Gon, the dialogue had been unsatisfying.
"I want to speak with you," Obi-Wan said, as he re-entered
their quarters after the noon meal, and found Qui-Gon studying.
Qui-Gon had smiled at him. A smile Obi-Wan could not return,
not without feeling traitorous.
"What do you wish to discuss, padawan?"
"I heard. In the refectory. About what happened with your
second padawan. I wanted to know if it's true."
To his surprise, Qui-Gon had not asked him what he'd heard,
or, for that matter, explained the situation to him. Instead,
he said, "Believe what you wish. I have only discussed it in
detail with the Council. I have not spoken about it since, and
will not."
'Will not'. That was both a reproof and a sign that his master
considered the conversation to be closed.
Obi-Wan was not satisfied. He was also his master's
apprentice. He could live with the rumors, if they were true,
knowing that Qui-Gon had always treated him honorably. But he
deserved a fuller answer, needed a fuller answer if he
were to continue as Qui-Gon's padawan. "I can't believe
anything if I don't know what the facts are."
Obi-Wan stared intently at Qui-Gon, willing him to understand
that. "I don't know what to do or what to believe."
"You must do as your heart and your instincts tell you,
Obi-Wan. I cannot advise you on this."
Couldn't advise him on this? The rumors he'd heard had bitter
edges. Obi-Wan knew a little about Xanatos, the second
apprentice. Qui-Gon had told him a few spare facts after taking
Obi-Wan as his padawan. Obi-Wan had accepted those. But then,
eventually, they'd returned to the Temple. Where, it seemed, a
host of people were willing to tell Qui-Gon's apprentice about
the realities of life with his master.
The wildest accusations had Qui-Gon seducing Xanatos.
Destroying the master/apprentice relationship, and abusing it
in a way that should have been unthinkable. Was unthinkable to
Obi-Wan if he were to trust Qui-Gon as his master. How could he
give himself over to Qui-Gon, surrender his body and soul to
training and teaching if it were true that Qui-Gon's interests
lay not in producing a Jedi knight, but rather, a dependent
lover who worshipped where there should have been respect, who
followed blindly and never questioned the lack of something
precious?
Something precious that Obi-Wan could not define, but knew he
would be losing if Qui-Gon were truly like that. If he truly
was a predator, and had little interest in Obi-Wan as anything
other than prey.
Their relationship, brief as it was so far, argued against the
truth of the rumor. Obi-Wan liked Qui-Gon, wanted to trust him,
respected him. Was even beginning to see more of the master
about him than just the robe and air of dignity.
And yet--
Obi-Wan shook his head. He would not dwell longer on the
negative possibilities. "Then I can neither believe nor
disbelieve, Master." He had closed his eyes at that point, and
when he opened them again, the possibility of tears had been
contained. "My apologies for bringing the matter up."
Qui-Gon had inclined his head then to Obi-Wan. "No apology is
necessary."
Barely able to control his breathing, Obi-Wan fled to his
room. Where he was now, trying to decide what he felt, what he
believed, what he should do.
He was 13, a padawan now, with rights and responsibilities.
Among them, he knew he owed his loyalty to Qui-Gon, and a part
of him was loyal, no matter what his master might think
of him after such impertinent questioning.
But he also knew that, without something from Qui-Gon,
he could not stay the master's padawan.
In his situation, technically, he could go to the Council and
be assigned a new master. Realistically, not very long ago, he
had been an unwanted almost-thirteen year old student who'd
ended up in the Agricorps. If Obi-Wan objected, that was where
he would return. He was certain of it.
He didn't want to return to the Agricorps, did not want to
give up the title 'padawan'.
But he would not bargain his self away for that title.
He could make the choice. Would make the choice if it were
necessary.
But he didn't know if it were. Because Qui-Gon hadn't given
him an answer.
Obi-Wan considered what he knew again. Qui-Gon had told him
about Xanatos, about his pride in his student -- misplaced as
it turned out. How he had been the only one blind to Xanatos'
arrogance.
Blind like in love? Obi-Wan wondered now, in light of
the gossip.
That would fit both the rumor and the facts he knew, if
Qui-Gon had been in love with his padawan. Of course, the
padawan had been on the verge of becoming a knight. And there
was no way to know whether Xanatos had ever known how his
master felt about him.
What Obi-Wan knew neither proved nor disproved anything.
All the more reason why he needed to hear from his master,
needed to know... what? What did he need to know?
That the rumor was true? Qui-Gon hadn't heard the rumor. How
could he know exactly what had been said and implied? And then
there was the other dilemma -- if Qui-Gon truly were
untrustworthy, then asking for proofs from him was less than
useful.
Yet Obi-Wan could not do what Qui-Gon was asking of him -- to
trust blindly. Perhaps another padawan would have. Perhaps he
was wrong and stupid and strange for wanting more. But he did.
He took a deep breath, and tried to calm himself. He felt as
though all he'd won from his earlier questioning was his
master's disapproval. To question more...
His breathing was becoming ragged, Obi-Wan noticed. He evened
it out again, struggling for the control he was far away yet
from mastering.
He would do it. And do it without hyperventilating.
Obi-Wan returned to the main room. Qui-Gon was still seated in
the comfortable chair in front of his study-console. His master
looked up as Obi-Wan entered.
Qui-Gon said nothing. Unfortunately.
Allowing -- or forcing -- Obi-Wan to speak his mind.
He had no well-organized thoughts, no clear conclusions from
the time spent in his room. The best he could hope for was
honesty and a full sharing of his concerns.
"I don't need to know what really happened. It was a long time
ago. It doesn't matter anymore." A hint of approval showed in
Qui-Gon's eyes, and Obi-Wan moved on before it could grow. It
would be crushed shortly. "But I care whether I've been lied to
or am going to be lied to. I care about what role you're going
to play in my life."
Silence answered him. Painfully, haltingly, he went on. "You
don't want to talk about it, but it matters to me. I need to
find some truth from you, something, or I... I just..."
he swallowed hard. He couldn't say it, wouldn't say it. It
would sound like a threat, and he wasn't trying to make one.
No, this was about cold reality and the choices that had to be
made because of it.
He stumbled to a stop, and just stood there, waiting for
whatever Qui-Gon might have to say to him.
"I will not speak about that past. I will not defend my
actions nor will I attack those of my then-apprentice."
Another brush-off. Obi-Wan's stomach sank.
But Qui-Gon continued talking. "I can promise you this, my
padawan. I will not seduce you. I promise to treat you as my
student for as long as you are my padawan. I do promise you
affection, and words both of praise and advice, as well as
physical affection, if you wish for it. But I swear to you that
there will be nothing between us that is not proper for a
teacher and a student."
Obi-Wan held perfectly still. "That... that is enough, master.
More than enough."
"Then it is promised and witnessed." Qui-Gon held Obi-Wan's
gaze solemnly, but a bit sternly. "All of these things any
master owes their student. My promise should be nothing but a
formality."
"It isn't," Obi-Wan whispered. "It's not a formality to me."
"Then you have it. I do promise, Obi-Wan. You may hold
me to it."
"Thank you, master."
It was... not suddenly all right again. It felt uncomfortable
being in the same room with his master after such intensity.
Felt strange to have Qui-Gon's word pledged to him. It upset
the normal way of things, where he was obligated to his master.
But Obi-Wan didn't leave. Didn't hide again.
The crisis was over, he had what he needed. It was time to
live life again. He would trust Qui-Gon's vow.
And try to rebuild the tenuous relationship that had begun to
form between them before he had listened to the rumors.
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