Archive : Yes to Master and Apprentice, SWAL, and Qui-Gon Jinn
discussion list
Category : AU, hurt/comfort. POV
Rating : G
Pairing : Q/O
Summary : Qui-Gon is fighting for his life and Obi-Wan is mad,
very mad.....at the Force.
Disclaimer : George Lucas owns everyone and everything in this
story. Can't forgive him for what he did to my beloved Master
on TPM, though. I did the story purely for fun and my all
consuming love for Qui-Gon Jinn. I wrote and display this story
absolutely for free.
Feedback : yes, please
Many thanks : to my wonderful beta, Louisa F and to Anita,
Angelina, Arthur and Betty for keeping their honest opinions to
themselves and telling me stuff that's completely untrue but
fantastic to hear.
"Jedi Kenobi...." Soft calling from afar, gentle but insistent.
" Jedi Kenobi..." The darkness that surrounds me begins to
dissipate.
I feel my eyelids flutter slowly. Light is admitted.
Consciousness is building. Then my eyes fly open.
The sweet round face that belongs to Jiangaa, the Naboo healer
comes into blurry view. She's bending over me, a smile quirking
up the corners of her mouth.
Awareness and memories spring to life like millions of
oversensitized nerve ends prodded all in one split second.
Where I am and why hits me like two tons of bricks. Terror
suddenly pounces.
" Master!" My head snaps around to check on the man lying
unconscious on the infirmary bed. Gripping fear of a change for
the worse totally freezes me for a moment. I scramble to reach
out along the force and search the bond that Master and I
share. His life signature is still there. Faint but there,
nonetheless. O Force, he's still here, he is, he is. I wail in
my mind as tears of relief sting my eyes.
The soothing voice of Jiangaa confirms what I already know.
"Relax, Jedi Kenobi, there's been no change to your Master's
conditions. I am sorry if I startled you." The kind Naboo
healer speaks in a soothing voice. Her dark brown eyes radiate
care and concern.
Groggy from the restless sleep and shaken from the
terror-filled waking, I only manage to say robotically, "
that's alright, anything the matter?" My voice is hoarse from
the dry throat and my eyes blinking fast to clear away the
bleariness.
" O, no, nothing important really. I brought you some hot food.
You haven't eaten anything all day....." Either my face is
schooled to say "that's lame" or she realizes it herself, she
hastily adds, "and the way you sprawled asleep across the bed
and... your Master, that's not a good posture. You'd hurt your
back and get cramps. The head healer sends me to ....
hmm....change you posture."
" How long was I out?" If my sleeping posture became the
healers' concern, I must have been in it for a long time.
" Four standard hours. Your back has to have taken a beating"
Jiangaa said matter-of-factly with both her eye brows raised,
her head tilted and nodding slightly and her lips flattened to
a thin line, the way an adult would when admonishing a kid
who's done something naughty.
" Four hours! O Force." I groan. I can't believe I took my eyes
off Master for four hours. I don't even remember dozing off. My
system must have just ground to a halt after the immense stress
it has been subject to. The battle with the Sith, rushing
Master to the healers, desperately and suicidally pouring
healing energy into Master's body to help him heal, sheer
anxiety, all consuming fear --- tremendous physical and mental
exertion plain and simple. Two days of that and my body and
mind just couldn't cope anymore. Be that as it may, I can't
help but snarl at myself, /You idiot, how dare you leave his
side for so long./ With the man I love more than my own life at
stake, four hours are just too distressingly long especially
since the healer said tonight was a crucial time. A lot could
have happened while I was out. The mere thought of it makes me
shudder. The fact that my hand has been holding Master's larger
one throughout my slumber and even now does little to ease the
stab of guilt.
I reach up and grab Jiangaa's arm filled by the urge to
question her afresh. " How's he? Everything alright? Are you
absolutely sure?" I stare at her waiting for a reply hardly
caring that it was given just a while ago. Somehow I need to
hear it all over again now that I realize I let Master out of
my sight for four long hours.
" I am positive, Jedi Kenobi. No change at all to his
conditions. That has to be good news given the circumstances.
Now just sit back, eat something and, if you want to rest, use
the lounger over there." She said emphatically while gesturing
first at the hot soup she placed on the stool and then the body
length lounger at the corner of the ward.
"Thank you, healer Jiangaa. I'll try." I ease up a little and
let go of her arm.
I hope I have her humoured. There's just no way I'll park
myself ten feet away from the man who 's my heart and soul, not
when he's fighting for his life. No, that'll never happen.
" Healer Rhepe will come around shortly to give you an update
on you Master's conditions. There's a message from the Jedi
Council. Two of you are on their way here. They should arrive
just past mid-night...."
Mace and Yoda, I mutter to myself. It's about time.
Jiangaa goes on after a slight pause, her eyes and voice both
turning soft and solemn. " You Master is a hero to my people,
so are you. We owe our planet and our freedom to you. We know
how close you are to you Master...," her gaze shifts
momentarily to Master's large hand which has never left my grip
all this time, "our prayers and thoughts are with you both."
Her heart goes out to us. I feel that profoundly from her
genuine words. I can't help but be touched. That brings to mind
the terrible thing I did yesterday to one of them.
" Thank you, healer Jiangaa, that means a lot to me. My Master
and I thank you and your people for you kindness.... and ....by
the way... I...mmm, ..I am sorry about healer Boic." Haltingly,
I apologize for my very un-Jedi behaviour.
With a wave of her hand, the Naboo healer said hurriedly, " O,
don't worry about it. Boic's a strong guy. He didn't know Queen
Armidala gave you permission to remain in the ICU with your
Master. He thought he was going by the book when he tried to
remove you from the ward. Boic's always been a stickler with
rules. It's not like you put his head through the glass or
anything, it's just a little shove. He barely touched the wall.
I am sure he just scratched his skin. Nothing a bit of balm
won't take care of. We know you're very worried and jumpy about
your Mas....." A little lame and way too desperate in her
attempt to justify my act and she knows it. Jiangaa stops
babbling abruptly and puts on a conspiratorial grin, a hint of
mischief sparkling in her eyes.
That's almost comic, the way Jiangaa tried to take what
happened yesterday and twist it into something ten times milder
while maintaining a straight face all through. I would have
been rattled with laughter under any other circumstances. But
as things are, it only deepens my embarrassment and shame. I
can think of nothing to say, so I give her a bit of a rueful
smile.
" It's alright. We understand." A deep and thoughtful look,
followed by a light squeeze on my arm and then she turns to
leave.
I haven't watched her leave. My eyes return to my beloved
Master long before I hear the door closes behind me.
Alone with Master again.
Something I dread as much as I yearn for.
The injury becomes a pivotal moment in both our lives. So much
is hanging in the balance now. A deadly battle against a
lurking fate that threatens to claim us both, deadlier even
than the battle with the Sith. There's nothing I want more than
to be and fight by Master's side in this as I always have in
countless battles we have fought together as a team. Me
alongside my noble and magnificent Master in battles. It's my
joy, pride and destiny.
It's an irony that while Master's life force may have dimmed,
our bond has never been stronger. Already unusually potent and
vibrant among the Master and Padawan pairs, our bond now hums
with constant burst of the Living Force, feeding off the
frantic desire Master and I share in beating the malignant
fate. We are fighting it with all we have, totally in synch,
two minds and lifes becoming one battling doggedly one vicious
enemy in perfect unison, the way we battled the Sith, totally
in steps with each other, each covering the other one oblivious
to what it might mean to one's own safety, the other's life
always coming first. It's that love and selflessness that
rendered us such formidable opponents to the Sith
until....until I lost my concentration for a tiny moment and
got knocked off the catwalk and Master and I were seperated by
the indifferent but lethal laser wall, just as we are seperated
by this indifferent but lethal injury.
This is why I dread being alone with Master at the same time.
With solitude comes the demons that have been haunting me since
the battle with the Sith.
My rage and hate.
They were born of a moment of unspeakable fear and anger,
accompanied by my blood curdling scream. They were born as the
double ended sabre of the Sith pierced my Master's broad chest.
The same broad chest that has always been a place of warmth,
security, comfort, anchor and love for me, for me alone in the
whole universe. And yet the Sith treated it with utter disdain.
He pierced it with glee. As I watched that with unmitigated
horror and fury behind the laser wall, I felt something was let
loose from deep within me. Once out, they're hard to rein in.
Master's swordmanship was such that in spite of his horrific
wound, he was able to garner the Force, trap the Sith's sabre
on his chest long enough to relieve the Sith of his entire
right shoulder with a fluid one handed stroke. Both Master and
the Sith ended up slumped on the ground each immobilized with
severe injury. That made my job so easy. The coup'd'grace.
I dashed in the moment the laser wall cycled off. I was
screaming all the way in at the half dead Sith, totally
possessed by rage and hate. Beheading and slashing him in half
gave me pleasure so sweet that I can still taste and savour
even now.
But our battle had just begun. The singed gaping hole on
Master's chest threatens two lives instead of one. The healers'
grim prognosis of a forty percent chance of survival pits us
against an even deadlier enemy, the fate that awaits us, or as
we Jedi are so used to putting it, the will of the Living
Force!
As this second, even deadlier battle roars on, the twin beasts
of my rage and hate feed off it and grow into something even
more sinister. They had been powerful enough to match the dark
force of the Sith before. Now they are testing their strength
against the very essence of my being, the Force.
I am mad at the Force. I hate it for allowing this to happen.
I screamed not once but twice since the battle with the Sith.
The second time I did only in my head with a gut wrenching
"whyyyy!", yet more thunderous and soul- rattling than the
first one. It was a scream at the betrayal I felt at the hands
of the fountain of all my strength and spirit.
The Force, no longer the mother of all things from the light
side.
But an interloper, one that's deep in a tug of war with me now
over the one single thing in the whole Universe that I
absolutely cannot afford to lose ---- the heartbeat of the man
I love with everything that's Obi-Wan Kenobi.
Years of Jedi training have programmed me to believe that
everything happens in accordance with the will of the Force.
For as long as I can remember, I have basked in the beauty and
warmth that's the certainty and simplicity of such a faith.
It's been a hefty anchor for me to tread through the
vicissitudes of a Jedi's life without spinning and wheeling
towards the dark side.
The will of the Force. The ultimate answer to everything.
Certain and simple.
But the very certainty and simplicity of this conviction proves
to be it's undoing now. For the ultimate will brings with it
ultimate responsibility. If Master's life threatening injury is
not the consequence of the Sith's deadly skills but a
manifestation of the will of the Force, then logic dictates
that my rage and hate will follow the trail of cause and result
and track down the ultimate instigator of things happened, like
two blood scenting beasts.
All trails lead to the Force.
The twin beasts are homing in.......
Dark thoughts. Very dark. I shudder and try to snap out of
them, at least for now. The beasts will come sniffing back now
that they are onto a scented trail. But I'll deal with them
later, if there's later. Master is the only one that matters at
the moment.
My beloved Master, a beautiful beautiful man in both body and
soul. How and where do I begin and stop describing what he
means to me.
My eyes fall on Master's rugged handsome face. They caress its
masculine planes and angles. The strong manly jaw hidden behind
the regal silken beard. The long flowing mane fanning across
the pillow. His ears, large yet soft and supple. His nose,
proud, erect with just a hint of a crook along the ridge which
only adds to the overpowering presence of his stateliness. His
lips, thin, sexy and so expressive, more often than not closed
for he is a serene, thoughtful man of few words. But when they
do part, those lips could move with sheer sensuality while
painting a myriad of emotions that range from ponderous to
mischievous. His eyes, the most enchanting shade of nocturnal
blue, they can draw me right into their depth with one soft
affectionate look. His voice, deep, gentle and fatherly, when
the word "Padawan" is spoken with it, I hear the beckoning of
my destiny. His tall broad frame, all muscular and powerful,
yet he moves with sheer grace and agility. The power he
reserves for those he dislikes. For me, his mighty body holds
only gentle touches and tender cuddling.
My galactic hunk of a Master, beyond whom the expression
'masculine beauty' has lost all meanings. Yet my heart and soul
would have been still mine if he had been no more than a
beautiful face and body. But he has to throw in a kind, noble,
loving soul to go with that fantastic package of the physical.
A more dedicated and selfless Jedi I have not seen. His amazing
skills and powers are matched only by his humility and
readiness to serve and care for the others.
And above all, he loves me.
Whether in the same way I love him I don't know for I haven't
yet declared my romantic feelings for him. But I know without a
shadow of doubt that with or without romance, in that strong,
vibrant, golden, magnificent heart of his, there is always a
special place reserved for me, for me alone in the whole
Universe. For I am his Padawan. The favourite Padawan of the
magnificent Qui-Gon Jinn. With all his bountiful capacity to
love even the most pathetic life forms, he loves me and
cherishes me like I am the most important person in the Galaxy.
He pampers and indulges me when he is sure it won't turn me
soft and over dependent. He works me mercilessly in training to
hone and sharpen my skills. He teaches and disciplines when I
miss a step or go astray. He covers my back when the trouble is
bigger than me and stands aside when it promises to give me
good exposure and a shake up without any real threat to my
well-being. When the danger is too grave, he simply takes me
into his powerful arms and lets his broad back takes the brunt.
There's nothing he wants if it's not for my best interest. But
it's when I am weak ,or sick, or in distress that I feel to the
fullest his sweet love. Those are the times when he drops all
of his stern teacher/task master act and gives in to fussing
and hovering over me. Everything I want and ask for at those
times, I get promptly including sleeping in his arms curled up
against his warm broad chest, his staying up with and reading
to me, double portions of the most decadent desert, calling him
up over our mental link five times in as many minutes when he
is in the middle of a stodgy stuffy session with the Council.
I am precious in his eyes. He makes me feel treasured and
loved.
It's humanly, or for that matter Jedi, impossible NOT to have
lost one's heart and soul in such an ocean of love.
Tears come without warning and course down my face. Losing him
would be unmitigated disaster to me. I would be totally
destroyed. I am sure of that. What's left would be no more than
an emotional cripple that's completely useless except to the
dark side. But fear not, it wouldn't come to that.
//I'd be right behind you if you go with the Force. I swear. To
hell with Anakin, to hell with the Jedi, the Republic, to hell
with the Force. I won't leave you side. I am your Padawan and
you're my Master. Whether in life or in oneness with the Force,
that's never going to change, never, you hear me, Master. Don't
you dare leave me for the Force!// I roar the desperate plea
along our bond for what must be the hundredth time and
immediately feel a reverberation thundering back.
Master is fighting hard, he is fighting for both our lives. He
doesn't want me to be a part of the Force anymore than I want
him to be a part of it. Looks like becoming one with the Force
isn't as pretty as it sounds in all Jedi teachings. With my
face still tear-streaked, I have to choke back a spontaneous
laughter as I picture two Jedi desperately trying to keep each
other from the Force they purport to love and serve as if it's
the worst possible fate there is.
But then it's nothing if it's not that. If Master is taken by
the Force, I would surely follow him. But not before I would be
totally consumed by unresolved rage and hate. I would become
one with the Force bitter and tainted. And Master's spirit
would become tainted with sorrow and regrets as well seeing
that his beloved Padawan devoured by the twin dark beasts. Even
in oneness with the Force, Master and I still wouldn't be in
peace. And then there's Anakin. With Master and I gone, Anakin
would have to be on his own. If the only one who believes in
him isn't there for him anymore, he would be left to a bunch of
Jedi who have wanted nothing to do with him in the first place
viewing him as trouble and danger. What's that going to do to
the Force rich kid and the way he turns out? And what's that
going to do to the Universe if Anakin indeed is the chosen one
as Master believes he is and he turns out the wrong way?
Nothing good could possibly come out of this. Not one bit. It
would be an unqualified victory for the Dark side.
It all hinges upon that recalcitrant heart beating within
Master's broad chest now. If it stops, then horrendous
suffering for me followed by horrendous suffering for countless
others.
The Force lets it come to this.
Rage and hate. The beasts are rearing their heads again. This
time I make no attempt to press them down. Instead, I use their
energy and focus it for broadcasting a mental message.
// Is this what you want? If I can see it, surely you with your
higher and mysterious ways of moving and working must have seen
it, too. Are you just going to take Master, destroy three lives
and watch the Universe go to the Sith? We may be small and
insignificant in your eyes, just pawns in your grand scheme of
things. But our hurt, pain and suffering is real. Very real.
Just because you're all powerful and all encompassing doesn't
mean you can treat it with less respect. Master is everything
to me, he's mine as I am his. You can't have him. I'll fight
you tooth and nail. I swear by the Force!//
A stern warning to the Force ends on a vow by the Force. I
muse. Old habit. It just slipped out. Once again, almost funny.
But my heavy mood prevents a laugh. What's chilling about the
broadcast is that I did it totally calm and cool. The twin
beasts have morphed. They not so much burn now than go deep
with icy, steely, cold hard resolve.
//Padawan Kenobi, hush now! What have you done?//
Mace! He must have caught my broadcast. Yoda should be with
him. The mental voice was loud and clear. They must have landed
on Naboo and are already close by. Two senior Jedi Masters in
shock and rushing to discipline a terribly straying Padawan.
What a scene it promises to be.
A moment later, the door swishes open to reveal Master Mace
Windu and Master Yoda. I rise and greet them. "My Masters."
"Padawan Kenobi." Mace's voice is level with a faint edge of
indignation.
Yoda just holds me with his piercing, all knowing eyes for a
long while in silence before lowering his head with a deep
sigh.
" What was the meaning of that broadcast, Padawan? What's in it
is very disturbing to both Master Yoda and I. Dark thoughts are
in it." Mace's eyes are icy cold and they attempt to bore
through mine to probe my soul.
I return his gaze unflinchingly and say calmly, " my duty first
and foremost at this point is to see my Master back to health.
If I have harboured thoughts from the dark side, I'll deal with
them with Master's help later on. I'd come to you and Master
Yoda for counseling and assistance if it ever comes to a point
where it's necessary."
" That's not nealy good enough, Padawan. All traces of the Dark
side must be nipped at the bud. The Council's instructions on
this is very specific and strict. I suggest you join Master
Yoda and I for a cleansing meditation now." Mace's dark stern
face gradually softens towards the end of his words as he tries
to persuade me to meditate my un-Jedi thoughts away.
Shaking my head slowly, I say with a low resolute voice, " not
now. Later. I won't leave him for anything, or anyone."
Surprised and baffled by my steely defiance, Mace's frustration
and irritation is in full swing as he snaps, " very well. In
that case, considered yourself ordered by the Coun...."
" Deal with it, later, he will. Too strong his bond is with
Qui-Gon. Leave him with his Master for now, we will." Yoda
speaks for the first time since he entered the ward. His kind
and wise eyes look at me deeply with just a tinge of sadness.
" But Master....." Mace is not convinced.
Yoda raises his small hand to head off Mace before going on,"
Padawan, for the both of you, be strong, you must be. Train
Anakin, you must. Grieve too much, you must not. If goes your
Master, one with the Force he'd be. No death, there is. The
Force, there is. No passion, there is. Serenity, there is.
Remember always, to anger fear leads, to hate anger leads, to
the Dark side, hate leads."
Mace chimes in to lend support to Yoda. " You must think of the
bigger picture. If you Master becomes one with the Force, you
must honour his wish and train Anakin. He would have wanted
it."
It's that last bit that does it. The twin beasts are out in
full force again. Rage and hate boiling up in me fast and
furious.
Why do the both of them talk as if they can't wait to move on.
Why are they in such a hurry to write Master off. " Would
have", the use of that kind of language when Master's still
fighting to save the both of us is plain thoughtless. I look at
the two Jedi Masters before me and find very little of the
respect and esteem I usually hold for them. And what do they
know about what Master wants? Master surely wouldn't want me to
go through life an emotional invalid. And that's exactly what
surviving him would turn me into and worse. Master just loves
me too much to want that for me. He doesn't know the full
extent of my all consuming love for him. That's why he believes
I could go on without him and start a new chapter. If he had
known that I loved him with all my heart and soul, he wouldn't
have even thought of asking me to train Anakin. I am certain of
that. Master wants nothing if it's not the best for me. He
would never ask me to suffer the horrid pain of bereavement for
the rest of my life. And what good would I do for Anakin? Even
if I was stupid enough to live on beyond Master, what kind of
training I could give to Anakin? I would be rage and hate
reincarnate. To be trained by rage and hate itself. There's no
shorter route to the Dark side. Mace and Yoda, they are
supposed to be wise and yet they miss it altogether.
I want to laugh and yell at them all at the same time. As I
open my mouth to do one of those things, I suddenly feel a jolt
along the bond Master and I share. Master's life signature
picks up in strength and warmth.
" Master!" I shriek, then sink to my seat and grab Master's
large hand. The whole world stops for me. Mace, Yoda, Anakin,
the Force, all of them fade into the far background of my
awareness. Only one heart and it's beating matters now. My eyes
bore into Master's face watching for any signs of change. I
press Master's large calloused hand to my lips and all the
while I mutter in my head, / please, please, please, keep
going, keep going, keep going. O Force, have mercy, I'd do
anything, anything you say, just give him back to me./ Even in
my mind, I can hear my voice breaking. Just barely, I feel Yoda
and Mace's closing in around the bed and beginning to send
healing energy into Master's body. I have never stopped doing
that since the injury.
With a swish, the door opens and in comes healer Rhepe. He
beams with a big wide grin. I have never seen a more beautiful
sight. My heart leaps at it. I gaze at him with eyes wide
opened. After what feels like a whole long hour, the Naboo
healer says, " his midi-chlorian reading has just risen past
the threshold. He's going to make it."
Tears blur my view without warning. I hear a heart wrenching
sob breaking out in the ward, and then I realize it's from me.
My hand flies to my mouth to stifle it. I am trembling all over
with utter joy and relief. My knees are threatening to give in.
Master's back in my life, my heart and soul. Thank the Force.
Sound and sight begins to retreat, the last thing I feel is the
tendrils of Force from Yoda and Mace wrapping around me. And
then I pass out.
Epilogue
In the small cabin on the transport travelling back to
Coruscant, I pass a cup of hot tea to Master who's half sitting
up in bed. He's still weak and recuperating from the injury.
Before I turn around I can't resist the urge and brush a gentle
kiss on his cheek. My heart overflowing with love and boundless
joy. I take a seat by the bed and hold Master's large hand in
mine.
With a wearied smile, Master said, " I can't believe you did
that, Obi-wan. You warned and bargained with the Force and you
talked back to Mace and Yoda. Very un- Jedi and very dark."
Just before we left Naboo, I already filled him in on what
happened when he was out including my dark thoughts. I always
tell him everything, well, everything except one, which I'll
soon summon the courage to lay bare to him as well.
At Master's words, I lower my eyes to the floor thinking that I
have failed the magnificent Qui-Gon Jinn. But why the smile?
" If it's any solace, Padawan, I did all of that, too except
verbally sparring with Mace and Yoda. You kept sending me pleas
to live along the bond, then threatened to follow me into the
Force. That terrified me and I became frantic and eventually
mad at the Force as well. My consciousness warned the Force
against taking me. I bargained with it every way I possibly
could." Master's rugged handsome face lights up with mischief
at this dark conspiracy he shares with his beloved Padawan.
" Master!" I throw my arms around him and bury my head in that
broad chest, tears stinging my eyes. His strong arms come
around me and draw me close.
The broad chest and the heart beating in it. Mine again. This
place of warmth, comfort and love for me, for me alone in the
whole Universe. Mine again.
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