A/U: Silly, never never land in the Phantom Universe.
spoilers, my AU is flexible always.
Category: Humor, sexual innuendo. Our boys are interviewed on
national TV.
Archive: Like I said,sure, what the hell
HI THERE. I'm your host, Pete Plastic, smiling national talk
show host. Today we have two very special guests. They are the
mighty and mysterious members of the Jedi Order, Qui-Gon Jinn
and Obi-Wan Kenobi. Let's have a big round of applause for our
favorite saber swingers!
(Audience wearing white, gold, or blue cheer. Crowd wearing
red, black, or purple boo and hiss. Silly color symbolism is in
evidence). Jinn and Kenobi walk across the stage, waving and
smiling to the group, capes billowing out in dramatic fashion.
Plastic: Welcome, gentlemen, welcome. Please be seated.
We understand that you've come a long way to be here...
Q-Gon: Don't worry about it, we came by the Force.
Plastic: Uh, yes, nothing like cheap intergalactic
space travel. Well, to get the ball rolling. Qui-Gon, we'll
start with you, since you are obviously the more dominant one
here...
O-Wan: Now just a minute, I resent that. Sometimes
I am the dominant one. That is, when Qui-Gon lets his
hair down. Which isn't often...
Plastic: Oh? He is conservative?
O-Wan: (smiles secretively) Only until I get him going.
(Crowd whoops). Then, it's all I can do to keep him off of me
for five straight days.
Q-Gon: (serenely) What can I say, Obi. You bring out
the...Sith in me.
(a loud WOOOOO! Is heard in the back of the audience).
Plastic: You mentioned his hair, Obi-Wan...
O-Wan: Oh, yes. He always wears it tied back. Sometimes
I want to hide all his hair bands. I want it loose and down. I
love the feel of it over my body...
Q-Gon: (strained, husky) Padawan, they don't need to
know that...
Plastic: Are you alright? Do you need a glass of water?
O-Wan: No, only some ice down my robe. Anyway, the color
is nice, with just a whisper of gray...
Q-Gon: Very little. You could barely see a few strands
in the movie, yet everyone makes a big deal about it. You'd
think I was some snow haired wizard or something. It gets
ridiculous.
Plastic: I guess people do exaggerate at times. Obi-Wan
doesn't seem to care, either.
O-Wan: Why should I? The rest of his hair sure doesn't
have any gray in it!
(Audience howls WOO-OH!)
Plastic: Now Qui-Gon. I understand that you are a Jedi
Master. What are your abilities or functions in such a role?
Q-Gon: Well, I can fly, teleport objects, enhance my
strength, create force fields, hurl bolts and have extra
senses. I also have superior endurance (glances at Obi-Wan).
Plastic: I see. Do you teach at all?
Q-Gon: At the Jedi temple on occasion. When I'm not out
in the field on missions.
Plastic: Do you encounter much trouble on these
missions?
Q-Gon: At times but not much. Essentially I am one bad
mother, and if you screw with me I might turn you into a toad,
burn your mind or strike you down with lightning.
Plastic: What about you, Obi-Wan? What do you do?
O-Wan: Well, I do it all. I'm a student and a warrior.
I cook, clean, and warm the bed. I have the same abilities as
my Master, but not the skill or experience. I have loads of
energy, though (looks at Qui-Gon).
Plastic: You seem like two really hot guys. I bet you
get lots of dates.
Q-Gon: Oh, yes. It gets out of hand sometimes.
Everything and anything seems to hit on us. It's a Jedi thing.
Plastic: A Jedi thing? Can you explain that?
O-Wan: Well, we Jedi do it like no one else. In the
air, under water, off a cliff, over a volcano, on subway trains
during rush hour...
Plastic: Sounds like you Jedi have raging libidos...
O-Wan: Wouldn't you, if your Master was a hot stud who
could break a bull moose...
Q-Gon: Or your Padawan a luscious sexpot and straight
up nympho...
Plastic: COMMERCIAL BREAK, STAFF!
Show continues after brief intermission. Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon
are soaked.
Q-Gon: Why did you hose us down!
Plastic: Sorry, my sponsors said you needed it, we're
trying to keep a mild "R" rating for sweeps week. Now, who are
the Jedi Council?
Q-Gon: A bunch of repressed busybodies. Constantly
mind-poking. Pain in the butt.
O-Wan: Yeah, they have no lives, so they run everyone
else's. Always sticking their noses in where they don't belong.
Especially about me and Qui-Gon.
Plastic: Oh? Why is that?
Q-Gon: We're their hottest commodity. They want to keep
us under control. It won't work, I'm a Maverick and a Rogue...
O-Wan: (sighs contentedly) ghods, what a Rogue...I look
forward to all our missions in cramped quarters and hot
jungles.
Crowd whoops again. Woman in back yells, "YOU GO, OBI!" snaps
her fingers.
Q-Gon: Yoda's the worst. He's the oldest known Jedi.
Seems to think that gives him license to tell people how to
live their lives. Then he drops some cornball wisdom. Talks
with half his speech missing. I had a pet Critth that made more
sense.
O-Wan: Yeah, a major ego trip. He says something that's
supposed to be wise, and the whole council sucks up. It's
disgusting, they're a bunch of jellyfish. No one knows what he
does in his spare time either, all he does in pop in on people.
Plastic: Sounds like he doesn't get out much.
O-Wan: What singles bar can an 800 year old go to for
action? I mean, LOOK at him! Ugh! If I woke up to that every
day, I'd turn Sith.
Q-Gon: (leers at him) You love it when I go Sith on
you...
O-Wan: (slides tongue out a little) I damn near turned,
too. (Elderly people in back faint).
Plastic: AND NOW FOR A MESSAGE FROM OUR SPONSORS!
(commercial again).
Show returns. Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon are soaked again.
Plastic: Sorry guys, I'm just doing my job.
O-Wan: (dripping) I oughta use the force and wrap that
damn hose around your neck.
Q-Gon: (also dripping) A useless endeavor, Mr. Plastic.
A fire such as ours cannot be put out by earthly means.
Plastic: Meaning what? What would it take?
O-Wan: a ten day roll in the hay. (Someone in audience
yells, "Don't EVEN go there!!")
Plastic: Gentlemen, the hose is on standby. Now, have
you any family?
both: Yes, each other. (A minister stands in front row
, bible in hand).
Minister: You flaunt this perversion on national T.V.
and in fan fiction? How dare you!
O-Wan: Shouldn't a man love his father?
Q-Gon: Shouldn't a man love his son? (Audience howls in
amazement).
Minister: (looks them back and forth) You mean
You...and He????? (Crosses himself, makes a sign at the Jedi,
and faints with a thump.)
Plastic: Hey, if you can't stand the heat, stay off the
show. Someone get this guy a doctor. We're all about
controversy, and we've got it now!
Q-Gon: He believes what he wants. Besides, nobody's
explored that possibility yet.
O-Wan: Talk about angst.
Plastic: Man, anything goes with you Jedi, eh?
O-Wan: Yeah, we're perverse, horny freaks.
Q-Gon: But spiritual and well-trained perverse horny
freaks.
Plastic: Aren't you concerned with repercussions from
the Council?
O-Wan: No, why should we be? Our bed's big enough for
everybody. They're welcome to join in.
Plastic: Unbelievable. No wonder Jedi live on an
island. Well, gentlemen, our time is almost up. Do you have
anything to add? Q-Gon: Is it me, or is it a
little....(pants at Obi-Wan, grips chair.) O-Wan:
(strokes his chest, eyes Qui-Gon) warm in here...
Plastic: Not again! (Q-Gon waves his hand at Plastic)
Q-Gon: You will end this show.
Plastic: (blankly) I will end this show.
(O-Wan waves his hand at audience)
You will all go home now.
Audience: (blankly) We will all go home now.
Audience leaves, Pete Plastic leaves. Stage set is empty.
Obi-Wan is halfway out of his robes.
Q-Gon: At last, you luscious little... (Grabs Obi,
throws him on top of production table).
//Time for a little Sith-Kabob....//
The End
(had fun with this little ditty). As always, any comments are
welcome.
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