Disclaimer: I did a whole year of a law degree *lol*. I am
perfectly aware that this is a copyright breach. I am also
perfectly aware that suing someone with $6.25 in the bank and
an overworked credit card will get you absolutely nowhere!
I really hate those humbling moments. Those times when you are
forced to see the world and your place in it in all their true
daylight hues. Those are the times when your eyes burn from the
piercing light of the sun and perhaps for another reason you do
not want to admit. And suddenly your hopes seem nothing but the
insane thoughts of the fool you truly are. And this destruction
of your very basis for living hurts more than you would ever
have believed possible. It tears you inside, rips apart every
isolated strand of fantasy, and folds you into deathly despair.
And all of a sudden, you're completely empty.
I had one of those moments this evening.
I used to love it when my fellow padawans would gush about how
much desire they held for my master. I would get a strange
pleasure from the vicarious pride such words brought. I thought
happily that I possessed something esteemed by my peers.
Possessed? How great a fool was I? A man cannot be possessed,
and even if it were possible, I would never hold any rights
over Qui-Gon. He is my master, my teacher, my friend - and
nothing more. No matter what my mind whispers at night, that is
the truth. The unchangeable truth.
Tonight I saw him talking to a padawan barely older than
myself. She touched him with a hand that spoke of all the
ownership I craved. And he responded with a smile that was
nearly a laugh. Something snapped inside me; one part of me
telling me to look the other way, a stronger part forcing me to
watch the scene unfold. They left the room together. I tried to
convince myself that it was purely coincidence that they were
travelling in the same direction, but I had heard the padawan
whispering girlishly when my master and I had passed by her
group of friends in the temple corridors. Previously I had
found her attentions to my master amusing. Now, they somehow
didn't seem anywhere neat as funny.
I can just hear what Yoda would say if he could read my
thoughts: "Jealousy leads to fear, fear leads to anger, anger
leads to the dark side". How is jealousy a worse sin than any
other common to the various races? Sometimes I feel as though
the jedi are expected to be infallible - and that it is the
jedi themselves who hold the highest expectations of all.
Tonight is one of those times. Tonight I wish I could go back
to the normal life I never really knew, just so I could, for
once, be allowed to feel rather than to push my emotions aside,
beneath a façade of jedi calm. Of course, in leaving
behind this life, I would also be leaving him and that is
something I could never do. Even though being his padawan will
never truly be enough for me, the mere thought of losing that
one link to the man I love more than anything else in the
universe is enough to make me feel physically ill. I can bear
losing him at night to the more successful of his padawan
groupies. It would be another thing altogether to lose him
entirely.
There is a noise in the other room. It appears the padawan
bimbo was not as successful in her attempt at snagging my
master as I had originally thought.
"Master?" I call, to let him know that I am here.
"It is just me, Padawan," is his only response.
Oh to have him return to our rooms as my lover, pulling me to
him and embracing me possessively. Instead, he is silent now,
awarding me the privacy I have never asked for, never wished
for. I want to go to him, to claim him, but I could never do
so. He will never smile at me like he smiled at her tonight,
except, perhaps, for in my dreams. I can only join him now as
his apprentice and his student, and be glad that I have that
much - at least for tonight.
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