Archive: You mean you actually want this?? Woah, scary.. But
yeah, if you want it, you can have it. The fic that is.
Rating: err, only a PG, sorry.
Feedback: Loved it? Loathed it? Couldn't give a damn? Tell me
anyway. Adelaide@morganne.freeserve.co.uk
Spoilers: Lets go for a majorly resounding YES here. BIIIIG
spoilers for DOTF...
Disclaimer: The Star Wars world and all it's inhabitants are
the property of George Lucas.
Warning: A Brain hiccup on a very boring and very long train
journey. No beta; just me and a spell-checker. Apologies for
any mistakes, and even more apologies if this makes absolutely
no sense.
Summary: Leaving the one you love is never easy
I am dead.
I have become one with the Force, an event that is supposed to
be the pinnacle of life as a Jedi, to have reached the highest
level of interaction with that which makes us.
Then why do I feel so lost?
A question I know I need not ask, for the answer is right in
front of me. It is because I am dead and he is not. Obi-Wan. My
padawan. He still lives, so near and yet so far away.
Nigh on six months have passed since that fateful battle
against the Sith lord in Theed Hangar on Naboo, six months
since the fight that cost me my life. Six months in which
Obi-Wan has not let himself grieve; throwing himself into
training the boy instead. Anakin Skywalker. The Chosen One.
Always true to his Master was Obi-Wan, still is in training the
boy, even though he originally believed the child to be
dangerous. I now however fear for Anakin. Although Obi-Wan is
thorough in teaching him the ways of the Force, he has no
enthusiasm, no life in him, and I am concerned for his, both my
padawan and the boy's, well being.
And all because he will not grieve for my death, so full of
guilt he is. He believes that it is his fault that the Sith
bested me. For some reason he feels that if he was faster, that
he would not have been trapped behind those laser walls. He
also feels anger at me, for pushing ahead and not waiting for
him after he had been knocked off the catwalk. Anger that he
cannot, will not release to the force. Anger that is slowly
eating away at him as much as the guilt.
Years ago whenever Obi-Wan felt anger that he had difficulty
releasing, I would let him take it out on me, let him shout at
me, storm around like any normal teenager would. It always
seemed to do the trick as well, clearing his system. What he
needs more than anything, is a good shout at me, to tell me off
for leaving him.
What I wouldn't give to be able to go to him in our, in his
quarters, to let him release his anger, to be with him,
dissolve his guilt. It's not that I am unable to go to him,
just.. reluctant to hurt him again. I know Obi-Wan, and I know
that it would break his heart to lose me again, for I would not
be able to stay with him like he needs to me, like I need to.
I want to be with my padawan again, to hear his laughter, see
that smile lighting up his face.
I want to help him work the anger out of his system, let him
have a temper tantrum, to clear the negative feelings from him.
I want to be able to comfort him like I used to. To be able to
hold him in my arms, and tell him that everything will be all
right.
But I cannot, for I am dead
My only consolation is that I died in his arms; my only regret
- that I never told him how much I love him.
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