Summary: Sequel to Separation Anxiety, but Obi-Wan's PoV. Also
an epilogue called 'Forever'.
Feedback: yeah - I like that!
I wrote the epilogue as a separate piece, but it's too short to
give it it's own posting. Thanks again to Smitty for the beta.
I have had to admit it, even if only to myself - I ran away
from Naboo. I was... afraid? I am not sure if that is quite the
word to use, but certainly I felt that I couldn't face you. I
have loved you for so many years and managed to keep it so well
hidden all that time; I could not look you in the eyes once you
knew my secret. Didn't want to see yet another rejection, or
pity, or contempt, or any one of the other things I was so
certain I would see.
I was also so angry with you. I couldn't seem to keep that
feeling from me when I thought about you abandoning me because
you had found the Chosen One, or of how you dismissed me
on Coruscant, or how you ran ahead during the battle so I was
not by your side when you needed me the most.
Maybe it was because I gave in to my anger when I faced the
creature, after you fell to him. I used it to keep myself
focused - on him and not on you - while we fought. I lashed at
him with it as I beat at him with my lightsaber and he just
soaked it up, grinning at me. It became all tangled up in my
mind with all my other emotions at the time. It... well, at any
rate, it was hard to let it go afterwards, and it tainted me
for weeks after I got away.
I think Yoda knew, when he offered me the choice of being
Knighted straight away or of waiting for you. Knew about my
love for you, my desperate need to hide it and my fight with
the dark. He must have had great faith in me, to Knight me
then. He told me, "Clear things will become, when time and
space you have had." It made no sense at the time, as so many
of his statements do not, but since then I have found some
understanding. In the time between my missions I have been able
to look all my knotted feelings in the eye, release to the
Force those that I do not need and those which were holding me
back. Accept and welcome the ones I prefer not to live without.
I have had quite a few missions out here now. Have had to learn
to be independent and to stand only on my own two feet, without
you there to rely on. Had to make all of the decisions for
once, not just those you gave to me. It was a surprise to me,
for all that it should not have been, that I did not have that
much left to learn on these fronts. For the most part things
have gone well and I can see that it was time I took my
trials and moved on to this, something I could not see so truly
while I was with you. Now I can look back and see what it was
that you saw, that made you decide to take on a new Padawan.
Your old one was ready.
Not that you said it well, or timed it well, or dealt with me
well. I still remember the great shock it was when you stood
forward and announced your decision to take Anakin as your
Padawan learner. I think I was able to hide it well, for I know
I was able to make myself stand forward and back you up, but at
the time it felt like the ground had been washed from beneath
my feet.
I did not handle it well. Attacking you about the boy is
something I remember now with some shame. The Council might
feel him dangerous but now I am confident in your ability to
train him well, for I see how well you have wrought in me. At
the time, however, all I could see was that he was taking away
everything that was mine. My place in your life, at your
side... in your heart? I had been tentatively thinking that my
feelings for you were returned, that perhaps you cared for me
in the same ways that I cared for you. That you loved me.
Nebulous thoughts and hopes, so easily washed away, and then I
was weak where I needed to be strong. You struck me at my
weakest point, and I cracked.
Then came Naboo and the battle with the Sith, and you ran
ahead, left me behind, and were almost killed. I stood there
and had to watch his lightsaber run through your body and the
shock and terror poured through me. It widened that crack and
allowed in the anger... but I've mentioned that already.
After I killed the creature I rushed to your side. You made me
promise to train the boy, and right then I would have promised
you anything, if it would only keep you with me. When you
closed your eyes for what you obviously thought was the last
time it was something I could not accept and my heart finally
shattered under the repeated blows. I have loved you for over
ten years now and that love has only grown through all of that
time. You were everything to me - the strength in my arms when
I fought, the calm in my mind when dealing with obstinate
rulers, the light in my soul when I am one with the Force. I
could not let you go. Had I done so all that is good in me
would surely have gone also.
So I reached out with all that I am and all that I felt, every
desire and passion, all my dreams of being in your arms, in
your body and in your heart, and I called to you and caught at
your soul as it tried to leave. For long aching moments I cast
myself out to you... and then you were there and I was able to
bring you back and bind you to a body that I made
welcome you.
I collapsed myself, once you were safe in my arms and I awoke
in the healers' rooms. You were there and fighting still to
recover, and I stayed at your side to make sure that you would
not be able to leave despite all my earlier efforts. I was in
turmoil during this time. My soul reached out to yours but my
mind heaved with the implications of my actions, the chasms in
my mind opened up by your actions and your brush with death, my
conviction that you did not want me.
I achieved some peace on the day I was told that you were safe,
that there was now no chance of you slipping away from the
healers' arts. On that day I went to Master Yoda and he told me
that the Council considered my ability to defeat the Sith proof
that I was ready to become a Knight. Thinking back on it, I
think the implication was there that my ability to heal you
despite not being a healer was also a factor in their decision.
Whatever the truth of that, I begged him to move ahead and
Knight me so that I could be useful. I cited as my reason the
terrible need there is for we Jedi out there in the universe,
but truly my reasons were all with my need to get away and hide
and lick my wounds. He accepted my surface reasons and
performed the ceremony himself, saying closest to fitting it
was as he was my Master's Master.
Then I left, and I have been away now for several months and
not a few missions, and I have learnt and grown within myself.
I know my worth now, to the Jedi and to the universe, and I
feel that perhaps I also have worth to you. I have re-assembled
my heart, have achieved a peace and strength of being, and have
the courage now to look you in the eyes and to ask my question.
I hope.
I hope that I have that courage because my last communication
from the Council was not information about my next mission, but
instead an instruction to come home. The very wording is
auspicious to me. Not to come to Coruscant, or to the Temple,
but to come home. You are my home Qui-Gon Jinn. The only
one I want or need. And I will talk to you. I have had my time
and space, as Yoda predicted, and I will not keep silent any
longer.
I have my braid still, carefully stored in my belongings. It
should have gone to Yoda perhaps, as the one who removed it. Or
it should have gone to you, your choice what to do with it.
However, I took it with me because it was a tangible link to
you and our life together. When I see you next I want to offer
it to you. Not just because you were... are my Master,
but as a token of my love. I will offer it to you and with it I
will offer myself. My life to be tied with yours. Forever.
Forever
The transport slowly settled to the deck and rested there for a
few moments before the landing ramp lowered gently. A man
started down the ramp, his stride purposeful and strong, his
dark brown cloak swirling behind him. Three figures stood at
the edge of the platform, awaiting this man, one tall and two
much shorter. As he stepped off the ramp, the taller figure
stepped forward and the two met midway between the craft and
the watchers.
"Master."
"Padawan."
They tried again.
"Qui-Gon."
"Obi-Wan."
They stood and regarded each other for a few more moments, then
both stepped forward with open arms and drew the other into a
tight embrace.
"Forgive me..." The words were uttered by the pair
simultaneously and they paused and looked more deeply into each
others eyes. It was all there in those steady regards. The
apologies for actions and inactions, for words badly said and
situations badly handled. The relief and joy that each was well
and that they were together again. The love they bore each
other.
The slighter man let go with one arm to reach within the folds
of his cloak. He brought out something that shone in the sun
like a string of gold and offered it to the other, who reached
for it with a slightly shaking hand. Both the offering and the
hand that held it were clasped tightly and their eyes rose and
met again.
"Will you stay...?" Again the doubled voice.
"Yes." Quietly spoken, but loud enough to move the universe.
A great joy sprang into life there on the landing platform,
radiating from the pair and spreading out to enfold the
watchers, bringing tears to eyes both old and young. They
watched as strands of Force rose from the pair and wove gently
together, binding each to the other, in joy and in sadness, in
times of peace and times of trouble, in the eyes of their
friends and in the depths of their hearts. Forever.
Archive 