Thoughts

by rebecca (amythyst@mac.com)

Archive: M_A, anywhere else just ask.

Category: POV, Other

Rating: R

Pairing: Q/O

Warnings: implied s/m

Spoilers: None.

Summary: The companion piece to ' Musings', which doesn't have to be read first.

Feedback: purty please?

Disclaimer: *looks at bank account* Nope, not mine, I make no money, I just have fun.

Notes: Thank you Hilary, for looking at this :)

It's almost time now. For one night, at least, we can forget the myriad masks we wear all day--put aside the rules and regulations we follow ninety-five percent of the time. For you, this means letting go, surrendering yourself to another's will. I cherish that about you--your ability to give yourself so freely. Not easily, no; it's taken us a great deal of time to achieve this level of trust. But now that we have it, there's no going back.

It's a need in you that's as deep as my own. Despite our training and our rules, we are just human after all. We can't eradicate all our desires. Nor, I think, should we. Life should be lived, not merely watched.

You told me once you never felt more alive than during these nights; it shouldn't surprise you to know I feel the same. But then, how could I not? You're all I've ever wanted, and to have you kneeling before me is better than anything else in the universe.

Because, you see, what I need is not to submit. I spend so much time being diplomatic, and careful, that when the walls come down I reach out with both hands and seize control of what is mine. There's nothing particularly intellectual about it; it's just sheer primal instinct--raw and exhilarating. It's not your pain I want, or your desire, although they have their place. It's your surrender.

Does it make me less than you, that I can't give as you do? That I must take instead? If I asked you, you would remind me of the concept of balance in all things. We are two halves of a whole, you and I. You cannot give blindly any more than I can take what isn't offered freely. But still, I wonder sometimes if you've ever wanted to trade places with me…what would it be like, to be completely at your mercy? The thought arouses me and terrifies me at the same time. I'm not even sure I could make myself let go the way you do. Could you push me to it? Maybe one of these days we'll find out.

But now I need to go in to you; we've both waited long enough. For this short time, we need not think about anything outside ourselves--it's a luxury we rarely get, which makes it even more precious. Tomorrow is soon enough for the resumption of our normal roles. Tonight, though--for tonight, you are mine, Master.