Summary: The Mighty Jinn and Kenobi ride to the rescue when
Master Yoda is threatened.
Feedback: It's as welcome as the flowers in May.
Disclaimer: George Lucas = Everything to do with Star Wars. Me
= Just playing and making no money.
Note: No feathered friends were consulted in the writing of
this story.
It was early afternoon in the Garden of Generous Flexibility.
Little birdies warbled their way up and down the branches of a
Norla Tree, as The Storyteller eyed the group of Young Ones
facing him from the West.
Suppose I tell you I haven't got a Story.
[...(grin)...]
You're a bunch of Gnarly Bugs.
[...(grin)...]
I was going to take a nap.
[...(grin)...]
Damn.
Sigh.
The Story begins:
It's here, it's here! Unbounded joy filled the Chamber with the
arrival of the morning mail, a time of great Delight to Our
Dear Overworked Council of Masters. Circulars made the rounds
with much excited discussion, catalogs were scanned for the
newest in Masterly Fashion, and bills were carefully filed
under comfy padded seats.
It was Master Mace who spotted the tiny silvery envelope
addressed to 'Yoder-Master of Jedi Temple Being on Coruscant'
and sailed it expertly in his direction. The Short Master
placed his Hearty Cuppa to one side and grabbed the opener.
It was an Invitation, Short and To the Point:
'From Queen Lurla the Prodigious to Bitty Green Yoder-Master,
I am needing hole filling in my Amazing Collection of Mens. You
are my next.
Signed, Queen Lurla of Balkyria
P.S. Don't be wearing nothings out. Eating goodies and filling
yourself with strongs.'
The Petite Master held his Nasty Invitation gingerly between
two claws. Dang it!
Queen Lurla. (sigh) Numbered, my days are...
Queen Lurla of the Balkyrs...dang, dang, dang. Little Green
Yoda felt the tremors deep in his toes.
Queen Lurla the Big, Bold and Scary. Doughty warrioress of the
Female Persuasion. Once she got her hands on a man, he was
never the same. Somehow...something was missing. Dang, dang,
dang!
Little Green Yoda crossed his legs, scrunched his eyes shut,
took a deep breath and let out a yawp that lifted him two feet
off the chair.
That should do it.
And, by golly, it did...
A blast of cornuttes, a crash of cymbells! Clear the corridors
and hose down the women!
The Jedi are coming, hurrah, hurrah, Their pantaloons looming,
hurrah, hurrah, The Jedi are saving of Little Green Yoda. With
perfect costuming, hurrah, hurrah!
Into the Chamber they thundered, Mighty Boots a'clomp, toggles
waving in the breeze of their passing.
Nice toggles. Shiny boots. Attractive. Really hard to
get off fast...
With a squeal of tread, The Mighty Qui-Gon Jinn and His Handy
Apprentice, Obi-Wan Kenobi, claimed the center of the room and
waited as the comfy chairs spun to a stop.
"Masters." The harmony of their voices wafted gently through
the air. "We Come. We Know All. We Save Everyone." Air
molecules paused to listen as the dulcet tones slid gracefully
into a sweet yodel. "Queen Lurla the Ever Large Shall Harm Not
One Of The Seven And A Half Hairs Upon Master Yoda's Green
Dome. We Shall See To It Personally Ourselves Already."
Little Green Yoda left off counting as a peculiar noise tickled
the air.
The Small Master's ears reconnoitered the room, coming to the
conclusion that a Strange Thing was commencing underneath the
garments of the Impossible Jedi before them. A circle-glance
made its way around the comfy chairs. Hmmmm....
Masterly necks craned forward. Yes! See it now, I do! Hems
wiggling a bit, they are. Yes...and see, bulges in robes now
appearing are...Yes...(...?...)...umm...No...See that I do
not...
Perhaps our Gentle Council was startled by the airborne boots.
Perhaps it was the blood-curdling whoop that followed upon that
last 'TIPPITY'.
No matter because...basically... the Kata of Rollicking Rescue
caught them by surprise.
Strong arms beating a high frenzy in the air, our Masterly
Heroes bucked and winged their way across the broad floor of
the Chamber, robes flying in several directions not covered in
the Manual. Tapping and clogging in perfectly twinned rhythm,
they leaped and bounded a jolly frightening arrangement,
guaranteed to send any Poltroon screaming from the vicinity.
Bolts of adrenalin whizzed through twelve desperate bodies as,
seatbelts zipped tight, every appendage within six inches of
the floor was hoisted with alacrity.
Round and round the mind-blowing pair went, legs kicking, hands
thumping various and sundry body parts, whoops and hollers set
in perfect counterpoint. Master Barisko would have been Proud.
At the very Peak of this ancient and occasionally revered Kata,
The Mighty Qui-Gon and His Handy Apprentice threw a Kick of
Endeavor toward the frozen Council and, with a last 'TIPPITY',
whomped their way out of the Chamber, Balkyria-bound.
Little Green Yoda looked dolefully through the door. Maybe,
some day, open it, they will...
Padawan and Master sat in their cozy little Scooter, the Turgid
Triumph, poring over Briefing Records for the alarming planet
of Balkyria. 'Women' seemed to sum it all up quite nicely.
Women and Trophies. Where the men were...well...nobody was
talking.
Queen Lurla was known on dozens of worlds. It seems she came,
she saw, she...and here, the records seemed a bit fuzzy,...she
left quite happily, always with a gaudy box wrapped in fine
materials guarded by a hulking male Chnicket.
Oh yes...Chnickets. The Queen was a Chnicket lover. She bred
them, she groomed them, she lived with them. They were her
babes, her lovies. No one ever harmed her darlings...No One!
They were soft, sweet, cuddly things as Chnicks, foul, nasty,
mean things as adults. The vote was still out on what they were
good for.
Now...let's have...teeeeeaaaa.
"Master?" Sip. Nudge, nudge.
"Yes, my Padawan?" Crunch, crunch. Sip.
"We still have several hours until our arrival." Crunch.
Wiggle. "I could really use some coaching on my Bows for
Practical and Impractical Situations..." Shimmy. Sip.
Crunch...Sip...?...Blink. "...Ah, yes...yes,indeed. Of course.
I, ahh... recommend...umm...perhaps the Bow...of
Lucid...Passion would be...a good start,...my Obi-Wan..."
Clink, clink. Crash...
And the Turgid Triumph whizzed onward toward its distant goal.
The Honorable Jedi were greeted with Pomp and Fanfare upon
arrival and brought directly before Queen Lurla. Master and
Padawan advanced with Dignity and Solemnity. This was a
delicate, nay, Sensitive, moment. Little Green Yoda was
counting on them.
Stately bows, low and long. Now, up...
Ghods...
She was built like a spurnip.
Round bottom, thin top, tall hair, short legs. And
very...thinness deprived. While 'Mens' were apparently her
pride, food was most certainly her pasttime.
And of course, Chnicks were her joy. Oh, yes. She was
surrounded by them. Lots of them. They pipped joyfully
everywhere.
[I'm sure we can clean up easily, Master.]
[Of course, Padawan Mine. I think a soak in Booffi's Slick
Grunk Cutter should do the trick.]
"Helloooo, beega Jedi!" The Amazing Queen waved really Amazing
arms. "Welcoming to Balkyria! Is you becoming hots for me? Haw
hawww!"
The Stoic Master and His Patient Padawan exchanged sidewise
glances as the Queen rolled and wobbled toward them, a dozen
pweeping Chnicks trailing avidly behind.
Queen Lurla the Large peered upwards, her narrow eyes aimed
dead center on Qui-Gon's hot blues. "Ahhh, my beega Qwy, you
gonna being my best prize! Haw hawww!" Plump fingers twiddled
his robe. "Jedi Dingly is being one with this Forcing, eh?
Beega trophy, haw hawww!" Master Jinn appeared to be plum out
of words.
The Handy Apprentice jumped nimbly into the gap. "Begging your
Royal Pardon, Queen, mum, but what..."
Turning to the Young Padawan, Queen Lurla smirked, "As for this
Little Bitty withing you, beega Qwy..." Her hand was a Pakkid
Snake as she grabbed Obi-Wan's leggings and popped open his
pantaloons. "Ooooooo...you being talking to me some later,
Youngie. Passable Dingly you gotting! Haw, haw hawww!" Elastic
snapped back into place.
Qui-Gon stifled a cough, as His Handy Apprentice looked down
and blushed quite prettily.
The Venerable Master drew himself up and came diplomatically to
the point.
"Madame Queen. We are here on behalf of Yoder-Master, ah,
Master Yoda." Stern Look With No Possibility of Discussion.
"You can't have him and what do you want him
for?" He threw her a quirked smile, fingers crossed.
Pursing her busy lips, the little Queen sat down amongst the
ecstatic feathery babies. "I am Great Queen of Balkyria. Mens
are what I am liking lots." She scooped up several Chnicks,
perching them on her bosom. They settled in for a long stay.
"So, I am starting collectibles from best thing all Mens have.
My Treasure room being almost full now! Haw, hawww!" A chorus
of pweeps chimed in.
Our Heroes paled just a bit.
"So, one day, I am saying with myself, 'Great Queen, you
collectibles being not so finish. No Dingly from Great Jedi
person! Time to fixing. Go, my Beega Self! Go!' And lookie
look, your big butt standing in so close I can licking your..."
"Madame Queen!" The Intrepid Master thought he spotted his
Control slipping out the door. "I suspect...that is,...perhaps
we might return to our discussion of Jedi Master Yoda. After
all..."
"Haw hawwww!" Squabby hands fluttered. Several buxom Guards
pointed unknown things of a persuasive nature. "Not needing
little green fart no more! Gotting you here was my purposing!"
Queen Lurla's face melted into a sly mask. "I let you resting
now. Place of Honor is making ready for the Treasure you
bringing. Haw haw hawwww!"
Once in their lavish quarters, the Honorable Jedi sat and
stared at each other.
"Padawan...this...this...Female...collects...?!"
"Yes, Master."
Qui-Gon let both brows drop across his doughty eyes. "Well,
mine..."
"Yours, Master, is Mine." Obi-Wan's face was the face of
Spunk, Grit and Dash. "I have a Plan." He made a nest of the
robe in Qui- Gon's lap. "But you must be Brave, my Master." He
then made himself quite comfortable. "Think of her as a Side of
Mashed." Slipping out his Dews Harpe, he twanged a warmup
sproing. "Ready?"
Together, the Mighty Qui-Gon and his Plucky Padawan launched
into the mandala most beloved by funked-up Jedi everywhere, The
Chantra of Unexpected Outcome.
One, two, haven't got a clue.
Three, four, guess we made a war.
Five, six, bugger Politics.
Seven, eight, soon be shake and bake.
Nine, ten, count it once again.
One, two,...
And so Our Heroes chantra'd through the long night, gaining
strength for the ordeal on the morrow.
It was late afternoon of the next day before Queen Lurla sent
for the Jedi Master. He quickly finished combing his beard and
settled the Pleats of No Trespass with care before leaving with
the sturdy guards. If the hirsute women had bothered to look,
they would have found the Plucky Padawan already gone.
On the far side of the Palace, Obi-Wan darted through the
shadows of late evening. His goal was one building over. He not
only heard it, he smelled it. The Brooder House: Chnick
Central!
Qui-Gon held a steady pace through the long corridors, dodging
clumps of pweepers and allowing Obi-Wan time to initiate the
diversion.
Throne room. He felt his hands Drop and Cover. Steady, Jinn...
Up to the throne and bow...
"Hallo, my beega Qwy!" Pweeps of agreement all 'round. "You so
licking-good, I water from you. Haw, hawww! Come sit in my
laps, you beega hunker."
Grabbing the hapless Jedi around one thigh, she yanked,
tumbling him into the folds of her belly. Hauling himself up by
one breast, he gasped, "I am indeed honored, oh Pendant One.
However, " he slid surreptitiously down one fat bejeweled leg,
"my heart is engaged with another..."
"Faw, haw-haw! Not is a problem. Not hearts I want! Just beega
body with beega Dingly!"
She reached. Qui-Gon scooted. Her jolly laughter followed him
as he backed across the room, settling his robes into their
precise pleats. A moment to close his eyes and Center.
I Am a Jedi Master. I Shall Remain Serene. I Really Do
See the Humor In All Situations...
Crap! "Aaahh! Madam!" There was a hustle and bustle under his
robe as pudgy fingers hauled the hefty body up his leggings.
Damn, damn, damn..."Madam...If you please..."
"In the name of...oh, Great Queen of...please don't touch
that...Owww! Madam!...Shall we just sit down...not
there!...Great Galloping...!!!..."
"Oooooo, you beega hunker, you! You Dingly singing my name.
Haw-haw- haw! I telling you, it will going well together with
mine collection! Holding still, is what you are doing now. Haw
hawwww!" A quick glance was all it took to notice the large
number of weapons ready to make his acquaintance.
It was then that the Plucky Padawan struck.
Every door in the room popped open and a Thundering Herd of
baby Chnicks squawked merrily into the room, spreading feathers
and trail dust in a giant cloud. Queen Lurla sprang to the
floor, Dingly forgotten, gathering up armfuls of Chnicks as
fast as she could. "My little babies...my sweetzies...my bosoms
are here...don't be scaring...!" Plump guards were
high-stepping around the Queen, dodging happy little balls of
feathers, while Obi-Wan stood grinning like a Rurly Slave.
Qui-Gon snuck between the puffs and joined him at the door.
"Are 'negotiations' over, Master?"
"I Believe So, Padawan." He took a deep breath. "And they are
never to begin again."
Snorting feathers, they made a Dignified Dash through the
Palace and beat it.
"You know, Master, I think the Queen really liked you."
"Mmmmm...a little lower, please...yes..." Contented sigh. "What
gave you that impression, my Obi-Wan?"
"I suspect it was when she put her hand down your leggings, my
beega hunker."
"Nonsense. She was merely checking for baby Chnicks."
Delighted laughter rang through the room. "Baby Chnicks?"
"Of course, Padawan Mine." Sheets rustled as bodies shifted "I
seem to bear a remarkable resemblance to a Papa Chnicket."
Several snorts and a hiccup..."Down your leggings?" Snort.
"Padawan, you must pay more attention to the details of your
briefings. The adult male Chnicket looks..., well..., from the
neck up, exactly like a...a..."
"A Dingly, my Qui-Gon?" Sounds of laughter buried in the
bedclothes.
"Why, yes, Obi-Wan." Voice rasping like Coytalion Silk, he ran
a small feather down warm, sensitive skin. "And now, my little
chnick,...come to Papa..."
[Hey, look. I think he's passed out.]
...?...
[You should take some medicine.]
...!...
[Yeah. I hear Bursh Bark makes you really perky.]
Go away. Now. Good-bye.
[Sometimes Ket Berries in your...]
...(swat)...
[...(grin)...See you later!]
...right...I'll just lay here...a little bit...longer...
And the little birdies warbled like nobody's business.
Archive 