Stiff It

by Jayne Hundt

It was inspired by something I found at work...
Category: Humor
Rating: R
Warnings: slash
Spoilers: None
Summery: Qui-Gon has a problem, so Obi-Wan buys a jar of 'Stiff It.'
Disclaimer: is at the end of the story, as it contains spoilers.

Obi-Wan Kenobi normally didn't enjoy shopping, but today was different--today he shopped with glee, giddy with anticipation. A week of chastity had ended. This was the night, the night the healers have given Qui-Gon leave to resume his normal activities. It was a cause for celebration. For this, they needed more lubricant. And if things went as planned, a lot more lubricant. Hypoallergenic lubricant.

Who would have thought Qui-Gon would be allergic to Tulaian Erotica lubricants?

He'd reached down to pick up a tube of KY when he spotted it: A jar of 'Stiff It' gel.

Obi-Wan read the label, intrigued.

//'Stiff It' gel adds texture, shine and volume. Strength for a sure hold is added, while maintaining flexibility and bounce. Achieve gravity-defying lift and superb control that allows you to shape and contour.//

Shape and contour? Shine? TEXTURE? Obi-Wan felt his penis stiffen.

//'Stiff It' will not flake or dry crusty, and is water-resistant. This product is hypoallergenic and alcohol free.//

Alcohol free? Hypoallergenic? Obi-Wan thought. Good. Very good. He read on.

//Directions: Dab a small amount onto palm of hand. Rub hands together then work into entire length, from root to tip evenly. Do not rinse. Caution, Flammable. Avoid fire, flame or smoking until gel is dry.//

Not detoured in the least from the warning, Obi-Wan dropped the jar into his shopping basket. A grin of anticipation spread across his face. This would be a night to remember. He could feel it.

Candles lit the bedroom; soft incense burned and sweet music filled the air. It was a romantic setting, for a special occasion: celebrating the end of a weeklong chastity. Qui-Gon was now healed and ready for action.

"Ready for round two?" Obi-Wan asked, still wet with sweat. His skin was flushed pink, lips red and swollen. Their lovemaking had been intense but sweet.

Again? So soon? Qui-Gon propped himself up on his elbow so he could look into his lover's eyes. After a moment, they wondered downward and took in Obi-Wan's growing erection. How dose he do it? Qui-Gon himself was still limp, and would be for a while yet.

"It's too soon, Obi-Wan." Qui-Gon always needed a bit more 'recovery time' than Obi-Wan--a rather embarrassing problem.

"I got a surprise for you."

Qui-Qon suppressed the urge to get off the bed and run for his life. Obi-Wan's last 'surprise' was that damned tube of Tulaian Erotica lubricant. The 'surprise' before that had been a cock ring--the damned thing had been too small and the cheep metal turned his penis green. And before that... He shuddered at the memory, visions of cock-puppets dancing behind his eyes.

"I think you'll like this surprise," Obi-Wan said detecting his master's uncertainty. He reached under the bed and pulled out a 'Fredy's Drug Store' sack. "Trust me."

Trust me? Qui-Gon's heart accelerated. Obi-Wan uttered those very words before the disastrous 'remote controlled dildo' incident. Hours later, while on their way back from the healers, those words were repeated in front of a janitorial closet. A second trip to the healers and the temple's janitorial staff going on strike were the end results. Yoda and Mace were still snickering about that one.

"Relax." In the dancing candlelight, his student's eyes sparkled, taking on a green cast. It was enough to melt his heart. He couldn't say 'no' to his lover. Not now, not ever. "It's hypoallergenic, and wont turn your penis green."

Qui-Gon nodded his permission. Obi-Wan unscrewed the lid off a jar. He scooped out a handful of gel and rubbed his hands together, warming it. He then rubbed it onto the skin of his penis.

The absence of any burning or itching sensations was always a good sign. As Obi-Wan massaged the gel in, Qui-Gon had to admit that the absence of the two made it pleasant. The Jedi found himself relaxing under the touch.

After a few moments, the caress ended. Qui-Gon opened his eyes to find his Padawan kneeling, intently watching his penis, waiting.

"Padawan, what are you doing?"

"You'll find out."

Several minuets passed and the padawan continued to watch the exhausted penis, and much to Qui-Gon's relief nothing happened.

Several more minuets passed. Obi-Wan picked up the penis and inspected it closely, carefully feeling it. It was sticky with half-dried gel, and limp. "It's not working," Obi-Wan announced, dropping the penis and picking up the jar. He squinted at the label in the low light.

"Here, let me see," the Master said, plucking a candle from the nightstand. He took the jar from Obi-Wan and studied the label in the candlelight. Obi-Wan, you ideot! He nearly burst out laughing, but kept a strait face. "Obi-Wan, this is hair styling gel."

"What?" the padawan took the jar from his master. Confused, he inspected the label.

"Peal the price-sticker off," Qui-Gon instructed.

Obi-Wan did as told. Sure enough, underneath the words 'stiff it' and under the sticker were the words: hair styling gel.

Qui-Gon watched his padawan's face morph from confusion to humiliation. "At least it didn't turn it green, Padawan."

Slowly, a shy smile made its way across the young face. Seconds later, humility melted into mirth. Both were soon lost in uncontrolled laughter.

That was when it happened... The forgotten candle... the flammable gel...

Epilogue:

The path from the healers back to his quarters was one Qui-Gon knew well. Too well. He lipped along, a scowl fixed upon his face. Obi-Wan followed a safe distance behind, out of arm's reach.

"Trust me master," Qui-Gon muttered sarcastically under his breath. "It's hypoallergenic, and wont turn your penis green."

Qui-Gon limped a few more steps before stopping and turning around to look at his padawan.

Remorse poured from the young man. He looked into those grayish eyes, bright and full of unshed tears. For the second time in as many hours, his heart melted. He couldn't stay mad. Not at Obi-Wan.

"I'm sorry Master."

"Come here, Padawan." He held his arms wide, inviting a hug. All was forgiven. This time.

End

Disclaimer one

'Stiff It' is an actual hair styling gel brought to us by:

Key Brands International, LTD
16035 E Arrow Hwy,
Irwindale, CA 91706-2049
http://www.keybrands.com

This story is not intended to be interpreted as an endorsement or condemnation of 'Stiff It' products or its possible uses... In other words, please don't sue me.

Disclaimer two

'Star Wars' is the creation of George Lucas, and is the property of George Lucas, Lucasfilm Ltd, Lucasarts Inc and 20th Century Fox. No profit was, or will be made from this story. Infringements upon copyright and trademark laws are unintentional. Once again, I ask you not to sue me. Please.