Archive: Sure! M_A, my homepage, anywhere else is fine if you
want it.
Category: Point of View, Romance, First Time
Pairing: Q/O
Rating: NC-17 (eventually)
Warnings: m/m sex (eventually)
Spoilers: TPM and the Jedi Apprentice books.
Summary: Qui-Gon POV of missing scenes and events following the
Council meeting.
Feedback: Please!
Disclaimer: They're not mine, but are the sole property of
George. Damn! I could take better care of them.
Notes: This is a work in progress. Warnings and categories may
change as I figure out where I want to go with it.
//telepathy//
I spoke in too much haste. Perhaps I truly am losing touch with
the principles that have guided me my entire life. Maybe I'm
just getting old.
"I take Anakin as my Padawan Learner."
The wave of your hurt that the Force transmitted to me made me
unable to look at you. I merely glanced at you by my side, by
heart contracting in sorrow. Looking into your eyes would have
destroyed me at that moment. It was for the same reason I
erected shields around myself, essentially cutting you off from
all contact with me.
What had happened to me to treat you with such cruelty? To
deliver words with the force of a physical slap, then distance
myself from your unasked question.
//Why, Master?//
Even knowing this, I continued. I informed the council of your
readiness for the trials, even as I scolded myself inwardly
that I had just made a mess of everything. I should have
prepared you for this alone in our quarters instead of
revealing it all in haste before the watchful, and in some
cases, disapproving eyes of the council.
I have made many mistakes in the twelve years we have been
together, my Padawan. Even from the very beginning when I
denied over and over the will of the Force in bringing us
together. I have always been stubborn and willful. More often
than not I allowed my pride to cloud my judgement. I have left
a legacy of mistakes in my wake, and Xanatos wasn't even the
first of them.
My self-anger rises. I ordered you to board the transport to
Naboo more harshly then I should have. Again, your hurt and
confusion resonated to me through our bond. This time I don't
shield myself and I let your feelings sink into me like a
well-deserved punishment. Perhaps it is all past mending now.
Hours later I found you in deep meditation knelt on the floor
of our shared quarters on the queen's transport ship. I
automatically turned to leave you to your thoughts but
something causes me to glance back. The gut wrenching sensation
of despair rose within me as I gaze upon your still, peaceful
face. You were the perfect image of Jedi serenity. I marveled
once again at how far you have come and how I have managed to
guide you there considering my irrational tendencies. I turned
to leave you finally, planning to go in search of my own space
to meditate.
//Master, wait. Don't leave.//
It is a soft, nearly hesitant plea. It served to undo me, and
my breath caught.. my throat ached dully. I slowly turned
toward you.
//Beautiful. Oh, love, I have been so blind.//
I wanted to erase every trace of uncertainty and pain in those
changeable blue-green eyes of yours. I wanted to hold your
beloved face in my hands, stroke your lips with my thumbs and
lose myself in you. I wanted to do all of these things and more
even as my rational mind screamed out the danger of it.
I wasn't the kind of man who often yielded to his rational
mind.
You were in my arms in a single heartbeat, and my hands stroked
and twined into your hair, untying your ponytail to feel the
silken strands running between my fingers. I pressed you close
to me, inhaling your scent and wondering why I had never sought
to touch you like this before now. My most beloved, why did it
take me so long to realize?
//Forgive me, Padawan. I'm so sorry.//
Your eyes closed as I took your face between my hands as I had
desired to do, stroking my fingers over your tension lined
brow, and down your smooth cheeks. Tilting your face upwards, I
kissed your cleft chin, then swept my lips lightly, teasingly
over yours.
You made a soft, shuddering sound, then you were alive in my
arms, recapturing my mouth and kissing me with a fervor that I
had never known. I moaned as your tongue darted out against my
slightly parted lips, a shy request that I was more than happy
to oblige.
If I had any doubts left in my mind, they were erased by the
taste of your mouth and the smooth, silky slide of your tongue
against mine. Your hands had long since tangled into my hair,
and I was alternately clutching onto the sleeves of your tunic,
grasping your shoulders, and tugging on your braid trying to
get more of you against me.
"My Padawan. . . " I breathed a long, shaky sigh when our lips
finally parted. You were watching me with those ever-changing
eyes again. This time they were nearly pure green, pupils
dilated wide with desire. Even looking at you gave me a heady
pleasure, so much that I barely even noticed that you had
grasped my hand and was drawing me towards the sleep-couch.
My body was all too willing to follow wherever you led, my
Obi-Wan. All of it was so incredibly seductive; to disregard
all of my Jedi principles and to simply ravish you when you
seemed so willing. However, I had spent nearly 40 years of
knighthood in service to the Order of Light. For all my
rebelliousness, I had never, in all that time, considered
breaking my most sacred vow.
"Padawan. . . this is not wise," I said.
I attempted to release your grip on my hand, only to have you
strengthen it, pressing my palm against your bare chest which
was revealed by your loosened tunic. By the Force, I had
touched you there maybe thousands of times during your
apprenticeship but had never noticed how very soft your skin
was. It was another miraculous discovery I had made today.
No, no. . . this was wrong. I pulled my hand away from you and
attempted to compose myself. I found it neither easy to clear
my mind or calm a rather prominent arousal.
"I will let you return to your meditation," I said hoarsely.
"We have both meditated for half the day, Master. I believe we
need sleep more than anything."
Bold words for a padawan to speak to a master. Of course, I had
always taught you not to follow me blindly, but to make your
feelings and ideas be heard. Even more bold of you to grasp my
hand again and draw me to the sleep couch. My resistance was
worn so thin, I didn't even attempt to stop you.
You pushed me backward until my knees hit the cushion and I had
to sit. Without a hesitation, you knelt before me and began to
remove my boots.
"We have shared a single bed on numerous occasions, Master,"
you spoke, obviously sensing my apprehension.
//Not like this, Obi-Wan.//
//When I said we need sleep, I meant it. Just sleep,
Master.//
You looked up and your eyes met mine. They appeared blue now,
and tinged with amusement. I had the distinct impression that a
joke was being played on me and the punch line had not yet been
revealed. I couldn't keep a small smile off of my face.
You smiled as well as you got up from your knees, pushed my
discarded boots to the side, and twined your arms around my
neck. Our faces were only a few small centimeters apart, so
close that I could feel the soft exhalation of your breath upon
my beard. It was sweetly scented of the exotic Naboo fruits
Amidala had provided for our evening meal. The taste was even
more rich, I was quick to discover as your lips once again met
mine.
//Just sleep, Padawan?//
//We might need some kisses as well, Master. I love the taste
of you.//
I thanked the Force for making telepathy possible through the
Master/Padawan bond, and rolled us both back on to the bed so
we lied side by side, your head pillowed on my chest. I stroked
your hair absently, just relieved that you would let me close
to you after what I had done. Your forgiveness was wonderful
and so much more than I deserved.
//No. You deserve more, Master.//
You were reading my thoughts again. I smiled softly at your
intrusion and pressed a kiss to the top of your head.
//What brought all of this on, love?//
I felt you stiffen a bit in my arms, and I regretted the
endearment that had slipped out unaware. For a diplomatic
negotiator, I sure did have a habit of saying the wrong things
lately. I sent a wordless apology to you through the Force.
You lifted your head from my chest and gazed down at me, eyes
shadowed. A tiny tendril of fear slipped past your shields and
wove it's way into my mind, and I shivered in response.
"I'm making up for lost time, Master," you whispered gravely,
then lied your head back down over my heart.
I decided not to pursue the issue. Not this night, at least.
Not when you felt so good pressed close to me. Still, I could
not stop the nagging feeling of something terribly, horribly
wrong. It was like the words you spoke on the trade ship, there
was something elsewhere. . . elusive.
I would question you about it tomorrow.
I allowed myself the luxury to wake up slowly the next morning.
Cracking open one sleep-blurred eye, I noticed you busying
yourself around our small table, setting it for the morning
meal. You were already showered and fully dressed and I had to
wonder to myself how late I'd slept. Unusual. . . I have always
been an early-riser.
I rolled over onto my back and stretched lazily, hearing the
now familiar sound of my joints popping. I was definitely
getting old.
"Good morning, Master," you greeted me cheerfully. "Our meal is
here. Would you like me to fill your plate now or after you
shower?"
I opened my mouth to speak, but only a large yawn would come
out. I felt the urge to stay in bed for a few hours more, also
unusual. Well, this five day trip back to Naboo was turning out
quite different than I had expected.
//You look like a big lounging cat stretching like that.//
I couldn't keep an amused smile from my lips as I heard your
thoughts. This casual intimacy was totally new, but not
uncomfortable. We had spent twelve years together nearly
inseparable on missions but had rarely spoken to each other as
true friends, and never as lovers.
But we were not lovers, I had to remind myself.
I had almost believed it, until I had sat across from you while
we ate. Despite your perfectly serene face, there was a
mischievous look in your eyes as you bit into a ripe Naboo
peach.
"The queen has stocked very good food rations, don't you think,
Master?" you asked.
"Her Majesty hails from a very rich agricultural world.
N-n-aboo produce is among the best in the galaxy," I answered,
my throat tightening with the last phrase. I was distracted by
watching your tongue flick out to catch a stray drop of juice
that was making its way toward your chin.
I wanted to lick it off of you myself. Suddenly, my mind was on
fire with various erotic images. Images of me taking that
damned peach and crushing it in my fist, dripping the chilled
juice onto your bare chest and neck. I imagined the sound of
your voice crying out at the first touch of my tongue to your
nipple. I closed my eyes, feeling the phantom sensation of your
breath rustling my hair as I nibbled on the tender skin of your
throat.
Your face was lit up with amusement when I broke from my
reverie. Clever padawan, nothing ever escaped you, not even the
intense arousal you caused in your old master. With a
mischievous grin and an dramatic flourish, you dropped the
peach pit onto your plate. There was still juice clinging to
your fingertips.
"Shall I fetch another?" you asked, your voice the epitome of
innocence.
"No," I said, my voice thick. "Come here."
Slowly, teasingly, you obeyed me. Frustration rising, I let out
a snarl and grabbed your braid when you came within my reach. I
used it like a leash to draw you forward the last couple
centimeters to seal my lips to yours once more. I grasped your
waist, turning your body sideways to sit upon my lap, moaning
into your open mouth as your thigh made contact with aroused,
hypersensitive flesh.
I could almost laugh at the absurdity of it; allowing myself to
be seduced by my Padawan while aboard a starship in the middle
of a mission doomed for failure. This was a grave infraction of
the Jedi code. It was a relief to me that I still had some
sensible thoughts
even if they weren't registering on a functional level.
//Tell me you want this too, Master. Tell me.//
//More than anything, my Obi-Wan.//
That is how you undid me, Obi-Wan. Sitting there with you
pressed tightly against my sex, my hand resting on your lap,
fingertips just touching your answering hardness, I was willing
to follow you anywhere at that moment. You decided to lead me
back to my recently vacated sleep couch.
You made short work of divesting me of my sleep tunic, then
pushed me back to a sitting position on the cushion. Kneeling
down between my knees, you removed your own clothing; belt,
sash, then inner and outer tunics were tossed aside carelessly.
You knelt there before me for a long moment, your hands resting
on my legs just above the knee. The last item of clothing I
wore was my sleep trousers, and even then I still felt naked as
your eyes lingered on the thin cloth straining against my
erection. I swallowed hard, my mouth suddenly dry with the
mixture of shame and intense arousal. Your hand was moving
slowly towards the waistband of my pants, and I held my breath
in anticipation of your next move.
//Master?//
You were looking at me with such a pleading look. I quickly
realized you were waiting for my permission as any respectful
Padawan would do. I nodded my consent, not able to think of any
appropriate words to speak. Actually, I didn't know if I could
speak at all given the circumstances.
You touched me through the fabric first; soft, teasing caresses
with the tips of your fingers. I shuddered in response.
//Please, Obi-Wan.//
My voiceless plea seemed to erase your hesitancy, and you
finally reached for the waistband of my sleep pants and tugged
them down. I assisted you in removing them completely, then
settled back down on the bed, heart racing.
You caressed me with your eyes first. You'd seen me naked
before on dozens of occasions, but never had I felt such
scrutiny. I think that I actually blushed. The caresses from
your fingers came next, and I gasped in delight. It had been
such a very long time since I'd experienced someone else's
touch. Your smooth fingers were such a contrast with my time
roughened ones as you gently stroked, searching for the pace
and grasp that would bring me the most pleasure.
//You're beautiful, Master.//
I really did blush then. I didn't have enough time to think up
an appropriate response. You leaned forward and placed a soft
kiss against the head of my cock, paused one moment to grin
mischievously at my surprised expression, then took me into the
hot silken depths of your mouth.
I cried out, my hips bucking forward reflexively. You drew back
and chuckled softly, nuzzling teasingly with moistened lips. I
apologized through the Force for my lack of control and very
nearly begged for you to continue.
"Lie back," you commanded, reaching to unfasten your boots
without rising from your kneeling position.
"Padawan, I. . ." My voice sounded foreign to my ears. Things
were moving too fast-- things were out of my control.
//That's right, they're in my control. Lie back, Master.//
I obeyed you, straining my neck up from the pillow to watch you
as you discarded your trousers in one fluid movement. You were
spectacular. Firmly muscled chest leading down to a toned
abdomen, slim hips and strong thighs. Your ample erection
jutted out proudly from soft reddish curls.
You were in my arms in a heartbeat, and finally we were pressed
skin to skin. It felt like a final culmination of 12 years of
your apprenticeship. More than that even, it felt right; it
felt Force-guided that we should be like this together on our
last mission as Master and Padawan. I let my memories float
back to the last time that I felt my body enclosed by another,
a female Padawan named Laertha on the eve of my Knighting
Ceremony. Nearly 40 years passed since I gave up the
unrestricted life of apprentice and vowed my life, honor, and
celibacy to the Jedi Order. A vow that was broken the moment
you accepted me into your body with a shuddering moan that was
like the sweetest music ever made.
I wasn't surprised that it would be you, the boy who from our
first meeting had turned my entire life upside down. You broke
through the walls I had built in my heart during that dark time
after Xanatos. Your purity and goodness captured me as much as
your skill and quick intelligence. We bonded quickly, being
more alike than either of us cared to admit. Both of us were
headstrong and stubborn, but somehow in harmony through the
living Force. In little time, I grew proud to call you my
Padawan and friend. On this mission I was honored to call you
lover, if only for a few fleeting days before you spoke your
own vow.
My physical love for your crested at the same moment as my
emotional, and I cried out blissfully against your open mouth.
Your mental shields crumbled at your climax, and I felt such a
surge of devotion and passion through the Force that I voiced
my pleasure aloud in unison with your sobbing moans. Your tears
of joy fell onto my cheeks to mingle with my own as I held you
atop me, unwilling to separate our joining.
//My Obi-Wan, how I love you.//
//I am yours forever, Qui-Gon.//
I can hear the hum and crackle of our furious lightsaber battle
in the air. The horned demon wields his double bladed weapon
effortlessly, and neither of us can seem to get the advantage.
I am beginning to tire, and I know you sense it because you go
on the offensive, back-flipping over the creature to divert him
away from me. It is a good plan, but soon he has you off
balance with a swift kick and you fall from the catwalk. A few
well-timed strikes from my weapon, and he tumbles off behind
you.
I jump down to the next level, and again face the beast. I am
fighting alone, and I have the opponent on the retreat. I press
my advantage, waiting for you to recover and join me. My
muscles ache, but I push the pain aside. I can feel it you draw
power from the force to jump up to the level where I am. The
Sith darts forward a few paces, and when I move to follow I am
stopped by an energy field.
You are several meters behind me, trapped behind another field,
the agitation you're feeling is palpable through our bond. Not
knowing what else to do, I power down my lightsaber and kneel,
gathering the Force around me. Closing my eyes, I block out the
vision of the Sith's gruesome face and try to sense the timing
of the energy barrier. If I can strike first, I could be able
to force the opponent back and possibly push him down the open
shaft into the melting pit.
Obviously, my reflexes are not what they used to be. The energy
barrier switches off and I am again engaged in furious battle.
You run forward to join me, but the barrier stops you only
centimeters before you clear it. I know now that I must fight
defensively and wait for the energy cycle to make another turn.
I can't defeat him alone, he's too strong. So much hatred
inside of this creature. I draw again upon the Force to guide
my movement and. . . My concentration falters as I am dealt a
stunning blow to the chin from the Sith's lightsaber handle. I
stumble backward, dazed. White hot pain pierces through my
abdomen. Shock and so much agonizing pain. I look down and see
the glowing red blade withdrawing from my body.
"Nooooooooooo!!"
I awoke with a start at the sound of your voice. Your harsh
scream ended with a broken sob and you bolted upright beside me
on the sleep couch. My heartbeat and breathing were racing and
my hair was sticking to my sweating forehead in damn strings.
You too were covered in a fine sheen of perspiration, your
breathing ragged. What had happened? Did we have the same
dream?
"Padawan. . ." I reached out to draw you back into my arms.
"You. . . the Sith. . . he struck you down," you gasped,
visibly shaking.
"I know. I saw it too." I drew you back onto the cushions,
settling you half upon my chest. You were dissolving into
hysterical tears, and I drew upon the Force to calm you as I
had done many times in the past.
//It was a dream, Obi-Wan. Hush. I am here.//
"For how long?" you asked, drawing in a shaky breath.
"Padawan?"
"How many days. . . how many hours before you will be taken
from me?"
"It was a dream, Obi-Wan, nothing more," I sought to comfort
you. It was also an attempt to reassure myself.
Dreams were often a riddle to the Jedi. Each one held an
important lesson to be learned about ourselves, and some could
be considered symbolically prophetic. It was the interpretation
of these dreams that troubled us. Even Master Yoda didn't claim
to have the wisdom to know what the Force sought to reveal to
us through dreams.
"I have seen bit of this scene in my meditations since we left
Coruscant, Master. It was most vivid in the dream." Your eyes
glistened in the dim light of our cabin. "We have never shared
a dream before."
"We were never lovers before, Obi-Wan," I explained. "The way
we are bound by the living Force has changed."
You didn't respond, only burrowed closer against my chest. I
stroked your hair lazily, fingering the loose strands of your
ponytail. The thought of your Padawan haircut growing out into
silken locks after your knighting brought a smile to my face.
You were destined to become a fine Jedi Knight, one that would
have Initiates fighting to become your apprentice. My heart
swelled, and I thanked the Force once again for revealing our
path together twelve years ago.
"You are the finest thing to come into my life, Padawan. Thank
you," I whispered and got a soft snore in return. Chuckling, I
closed my eyes and drifted back to sleep.
We were awoken by the switching on of the automatic lights in
our cabin. Unlike some of the more luxurious transports we had
used in the past, Amidala's Nubian craft seemed unable to have
a simulated sunrise programmed into it's onboard computer.
Either that or the Jedi were believed to not have use for such
frivolities. Jedi, or no, I appreciated the slow brightening of
the lights as opposed to being awoken stunned and blinded.
"I'm sorry, Master," you muttered, extracting yourself from my
embrace.
"Padawan?" I asked, blinking against the light as I tried to
watch you walk, naked, to the wall control panel.
"I didn't awaken early enough to override the automatic
lights."
"So that explains the reason why I've been oversleeping in the
mornings. I was beginning to believe that my circadian rhythms
were off. . . Oh!" I was interrupted by you flinging yourself
back onto the sleep couch and bestowing a devouring kiss.
//Master, I can assure you that there is no problem with your
circadian rhythms.//
//Is that so?//
With a growl and a great heave, I flipped you over onto your
back, then moved to straddle your thighs. You grinned up at me
with mischief in your eyes, and I succumbed to the urge to kiss
every last trace of it away. I ground my hips against yours,
rubbing our erections together as I sealed my lips to yours.
When I broke the kiss, you were staring at me with only lust in
your eyes, and I chuckled at achieving my goal.
"Mmm. . . you're a tease," you murmured. "I want more."
//Tell me what you want, beloved.//
//Kiss me. Everywhere.//
I smiled and kissed your cleft chin first as your pressed your
head back into the pillows. You created such a wonton display
beneath me that I had to call upon Jedi training to keep from
ravishing you right away. I nibbled down the long column of
your neck, the traced the outline of your collarbone to your
shoulder. You shivered and twined your fingers into my hair.
"Your beard tickles."
"How is it that I didn't know my Padawan was ticklish?"
I smiled as I thought up a wicked idea, then shifted my head
over to your nipple. I grazed it with my moustache, then
swirled my tongue over the sensitive nub. Your response was a
mix between a yelp and a moan. I repeated the procedure on the
other nipple and was pleased to get the same response plus a
tug on my hair.
"Yes, love?"
"You are a merciless tease. Are you sure you've been celibate
for forty years?"
I laughed out loud against your quivering stomach, then placed
a kiss on the indentation of your navel.
//Forty years, give or take a few months. I was legendary as a
Padawan, though.//
//At your size, I can believe it.//
I attempted to stifle another laugh. I could sense only
amusement from you as I paused my journey south, trying to hold
back a undignified giggle. I failed when your neglected
erection twitched against the side of my neck.
//It seems you're not exactly small yourself, brat.//
The retort that I sensed you were about to speak died on your
lips as I turned my attention to your inflamed cock. I swirled
my tongue around the tip first, glancing up to see you watching
me through heavy lidded eyes. I light flush colored your chest
and was beginning to creep up into your cheeks signifying your
increased arousal. It made me all the more determined to
continue. I moved down the bed, and stretched out on my belly
between your wide splayed legs and engulfed you once more,
swallowing your entire length.
//Qui-Gon! Master, wait. . .//
I drew back and looked at your questioningly, just sucking on
the tip.
//Too fast. I want. . .//
//Tell me, Obi-Wan.//
You blushed, adding to the glowing heat of your face. By the
Force, you were beautiful when aroused.
"I want to be inside you. I want to come inside you," you
gasped, directing images into our bond rather than words.
Images of me on my knees and elbows accepting you into my body.
Images of you rubbing and pressing kisses onto my back as you
drove into me, Padawan braid swinging back and forth with the
momentum. It was the single most erotic thing I had ever
experienced, and something I was very eager to do.
I lifted myself from the sleep couch, harder and more aroused
than I could ever remember being. You swung your legs out from
under me and stood up as I shifted forward toward the pillow. I
made myself as comfortable as I could, cushioning my elbows on
the pillow and resting my head on my forearms. You moved behind
me, rubbing your hands up my sides sending calming emotions
through our bond. I was shaking with anticipation, and you were
interpreting it as fear. I sent reassurance back to you.
I gasped when I felt you positioning yourself against me. I
felt you draw back.
//No, Obi-Wan, continue. You just startled me.//
//Are you sure, Master?//
//Yes, love.//
You pressed a warm kiss to the small of my back and sent loving
thoughts to my mind. I couldn't help but tense up at the
intense pressure against me as you pressed for entry. Your
hands began a calming massage, and I exhaled willing every
muscle to relax. It seemed to work, resistance faded, and I
felt you begin to slid inside.
"Oh, Force. . . Master," you gasped.
//I know, Obi-Wan. I know.//
The chime that sounded from the wall control panel didn't even
register with either of us at first. "Master Jinn? This is
Captain Panaka."
Both of us groaned in frustration.
"Duty calls, Padawan," I muttered, as I felt you withdraw from
my body to let me up. "To be continued, I promise."
You didn't answer, just flopped dramatically back onto the
sleep couch I had just vacated, still fully erect.
I pressed the button on the wall control. "Yes, Captain?"
"I trust I didn't wake you. If I did, I apologize. Her Highness
requests an immediate audience with you and your apprentice."
"Tell her we will be there presently." I said, ignoring your
groan of protest.
I walked back to gather my discarded clothes. "Come, Obi-Wan."
I motioned for you to get up and pick up your own clothes.
"That's what I'm trying to do," you muttered crossly.
"We must see to the mission first, it is our duty."
"Yes, Master."
"Master, this is ridiculous!" you paced around our quarters
nervously. I knelt upon a meditation mat as soon as we took our
leave of the queen. Obviously, I didn't get a calm environment
in which to center myself.
"Calm yourself, Obi-Wan. I think meditation would benefit both
of us right now."
"How could you agree to this plan?! A raid on the palace that
currently under the control of the Federation and likely
protected by an army of droids? Did I mention there are only
twelve of us?" You gesticulated wildly as you spoke.
"I am aware of the plan's shortcomings, Padawan. I have even
made an estimate calculation of the odds of a successful
outcome."
"Should I ask what you've come up with?" you asked, eyes
blazing.
"In the state you are in right now, I'd say no," I sighed.
"Although, if we were to convince the Gungans. . ."
"Look at our bargaining tool! Jar Jar Binks? Master, there is
no love lost between him and the Gungans. I think we can write
that one off right now."
"Do not make hasty assumptions, Obi-Wan," I replied calmly,
closing my eyes in concentration.
You cried out in frustration and threw yourself back onto the
sleep couch so hard that the springs creaked. "This is madness.
I can't believe you are just accepting this!"
"What would you have me do? What would you do in my place?" I
opened my eyes and regarded you, trying to keep tendrils of
anger out of my voice.
"What would I do? I would walk into the cockpit and order the
pilot to come out of hyperspace, turn this ship toward
Coruscant and get us out of this situation!" you stated firmly.
"Using the Force if necessary!"
"That is not an option."
"The Hell it's not!"
"You will stop using that impudent tone toward me, Padawan! Do
you understand me?" I growled through clenched teeth, unable to
hold back the simmering anger. "This is an official mission as
ordered by the Jedi Council and back by the Galactic Senate. We
have, in this starship, an esteemed Republic ruler who we are
obligated to protect at any cost. Running away is not
and option on this mission or any other! That is what it means
to be a Jedi. If you can't handle it, I suggest you get out of
the Order before your knighting. Perhaps the AgriCorps would
still accept you."
I regretted my words as soon as I saw the look of hurt on your
face. That hurt was magnified tenfold in my heart when you
stormed out of the cabin. You were justified in your feelings,
after all, you were only expressing the same fears and concerns
about this mission that I felt.
Hurting you was an incredible cost to get a calm environment in
which to meditate. I settled back down onto the mat, freeing my
mind to the Force, letting it take me where ever it chose to.
Random images and sounds flickered through my mind, then as I
drew deeper I felt sensations. Feelings of anger and joy, the
cool reassuring touch of my Master Yoda's hand, laughing at
some long-forgotten joke with Mace on a shared mission. I felt
the pain in my heart when I looked at my former apprentice,
Xanatos, and saw a stranger glaring hatred back at me. I
experienced the rush of the Force flowing from your twelve year
old body as you realized you had to sacrifice yourself to save
the tiny planet of Bandomeer. All of these things were
familiar-- all of them part of my past.
I centered myself, placing past memories behind me. I looked
toward the future. Images came rapidly; the black and red faced
warrior from Tattooine lowering his hood, myself running
swiftly along high catwalks, cycling energy fields. The sound
of lightsabers crackling as they struck one another, the smell
of charged electricity in the air. Your anguished voice
screaming in denial. . .
The Force is both a friend and a tool. It encompasses the
entire galaxy and is stronger than every living being within it
put together. It gives us glimpses of the past and of the
future, and often speaks in riddles even the wisest of Jedi
could not solve. I was not a prophet, and I had never claimed
to know the will of the Force. Like everyone else, I had to
interpret what I was shown in my own way.
At that moment I accepted the fact that the Force was showing
me my own death.
I found you hours later inside the droid hold sitting against a
wall with your knees pulled close to your chest. I ducked under
the low door, and watched you for a moment. You might have been
in meditation, since you didn't respond to the sound of the
automatic door that admitted me nor to the electronic greeting
that an R2 unit gave me as I entered.
"Obi-Wan?" I asked quietly, careful not to startle you if you
were sleeping.
You shifted your robe around you, pulling it closed against the
frigid unheated air of the hold. "Master?"
"We are--" I paused to swallow back a lump in my throat. "We
will be leaving hyperspace in three hours. There is about five
hours before our landing."
"So our time left together is measured in hours now? How soon
before it will be minutes?" Your lifted your head to look at
me. I saw no evidence of tears, only a look of intense defeat.
"You cannot let yourself think this way, Padawan." I crossed my
arms nervously as I spoke. "I'm sixty years old. . . an old
man."
"Not to me!" Tears formed in your eyes then, making the
impossible shade of sea-blue even darker, almost glowing in the
dim light. "You're my Master. You're been the only constant
thing in my life for so long I can't remember. Am I so wrong to
want you to be there at my knighting? Am I impudent to want you
cut it this from me on that day?" You lifted your braid from
your tunic.
"I will be with you. There is no death--"
"There is the Force," you completed. "It's a bunch of poodoo."
"Obi-Wan. . ." I walked forward and offered you my hand to
assist you up. "We have matters to attend to."
You smiled bitterly. "Always the mission first, is it?"
"No. I remember that there was something we failed to complete
earlier today." I smiled through tears. "Five hours, Padawan."
It is impossible to express a lifetime of emotion in a few
hours. Nonetheless, we tried our best. We made love with
shields entirely lowered, offering both body and mind to each
other. I cherished the gift, treating your memories and
emotions like the fragile things that they were. Touching and
probing with the utmost care, as I felt you were doing the same
to mine.
I saw myself as you saw me. Not as just a man, but as the
greatest of all Jedi Knights, a perfect warrior. In your eyes I
was grace personified; as tall as a tree and strong as a
bantha. I was as wise as Yoda, although I was covered with
battle scars proclaiming my many mistakes. I was in complete
harmony with the Force, although I sometimes had a hard time
knowing my own feelings. Perfect, and yet imperfect; an
observation that could only come from you, my Padawan.
I felt your desperation at the approach of your thirteenth
birthday, and my heart contracted. I felt how my words had
stung every single time I refused to give you the chance you
deserved on that damned transport ship. I sensed your near
panic when I ordered you to pilot the ship alone while under
attack by pirates. You hid that fear so well, love. You wanted
so much to prove your worthiness to me.
Bandomeer. You were so certain of your decision to give up
yourself for the safety of others. You felt no fear as you
pressed yourself against the locked door, ordering me to move
back away from the blast. You would sacrifice yourself for me.
You would die for me.
"Obi-Wan!" I cried out, tears running from my eyes to fall onto
the pillow. You were buried inside of my body as deeply as I
had been in your mind. It was miraculous-- I had never felt
closer to another being in my life.
//Master. . . Beloved. Turn over.//
You separated yourself from me and I followed your
instructions, flipping over onto my back. My entire body was
trembling as you raked your passion-darkened eyes over my chest
and lower where my erection was arched up against my belly,
twitching as it waited for release. You lifted my legs and
drove inside again, bringing a raw groan of pleasure from my
throat.
//Yes, Master. I will remember you always this way.//
It was so good. Your body above me gleaming with perspiration
that was running down your muscled chest and onto my stomach. I
watched as one drop lingered on your hardened nipple, wanting
so much to kiss it off. Your damp braid was swinging with your
movements, tickling me as it just brushed along my side. I
memorized the lines of your face; the slight furrow of your
brow, smooth hairless cheeks, your lips parted and panting,
face flushed in arousal. My beautiful, beautiful Padawan, how I
loved seeing you like that.
You leaned forward and captured my lips in a kiss. I wanted to
devour you whole. The sweet taste of your mouth was
overwhelming to senses already at the breaking point, and I
came, moaning and shaking. I swallowed your own cry of release
only seconds later, and drew you against my chest. Both of us
were gasping and in tears from the intensity of it.
//With your love, I will die a happy man.//
Your choked sob against my neck sent welled up tears down my
face. I stroked your hair helplessly, memorizing it's spiky
texture against my fingertips. I would take that with me along
with the taste of your skin that I craved so much. I would take
the warm wetness of your body pressed so close against me. I
would take the sound of your voice, your laugh, your moans of
pleasure. I'd take the mischievous smile that came out of
nowhere and undid me every time I saw it. All of these things I
would cast to the Force at the moment of my death so that I
could grab them back again in whatever afterlife I would
receive.
//Master please don't leave me!//
//I will be with you.//
And you would be with me.
Your composure was impeccable as we rejoined the crew for
landing. The act of showering and dressing in fresh clothing
seemed to erase every last trace of your uncertainty and fears
away. I marveled at the serenity I sensed from you as we bowed
in respect before Queen Amidala.
"I trust you have considered our plans, Master Jedi," the young
queen said.
"I have meditated upon them, Your Highness. I feel that they
are the best chance we have to abort this trade dispute. My
apprentice and I are honored to serve and protect you," I
replied.
"The area is secure, Your Majesty. It is safe to leave the
ship," Captain Panaka stepped forward.
Your calm demeanor lasted even hours after leaving the ship. I
probed along our bond only to find your shields raised and
nearly impenetrable. It felt like such a keen loss to me
compared to the passionate abandon we had experienced together
only hours before. I found myself lost in my own thoughts,
staring out at swampland, and feeling utterly alone.
I had made such a grand show of accepting my own death. It hurt
more than a little that you seemed to have accepted it too. Not
only had you accepted it, but sought to isolate yourself from
me during what little time I had left. What I wouldn't give for
just a little more time than I had. . . why did you seek to
hasten our separation? Perhaps you were only protecting
yourself from further pain, I thought.
"Jar Jar is on his way to the Gungan City, Master."
I didn't notice your approach. Our bond was silent as were your
footsteps.
"Good," I murmured.
"Do you think the Queen's idea will work?"
"The Gungans will not easily be swayed, and we cannot use our
power to help her," I replied. I always skirted around the
truth when I had no hope.
"I'm...I'm sorry for my behavior, Master. It is not my place to
disagree with you about the boy. I am grateful you think I am
ready for the trials."
You smiled slightly as you spoke. I nearly recoiled. Small
talk? Apologies?
//Oh, Obi-Wan, open up to me! I can't stand this distance
between us.//
My words sent along our bond echoed hollowly back at me. I
swallowed down bitter despair. I needed to say something. . .
to tell you something meaningful, heartfelt. I needed to open
our bond before I lost myself to loneliness.
"You have been a good apprentice, Obi-Wan. . .and you are a
much wiser man than I. I foresee you will become a great Jedi
Knight."
Your eyes met mine, and I searched them desperately for traces
of the lover I had left back in our cabin. You revealed only
calm reserve, with slight frown that furrowed your brow. Your
soft, sensual lips that I had kissed until you were breathless
and panting were set in a firm, determined line. I felt the
distinct impression that you were struggling to hold back
strong emotion behind your face and the shielding of our bond.
"Yes, M-master." The slight tremble in your voice gave you
away. You bowed slightly in respect and turned away from me.
//Obi-Wan?//
Nothing.
"Obi-Wan?"
"Master?" You turned back, elegant eyebrows arching slightly.
"I. . ." Force! It was harder to say that I had presumed.
//I love you, Padawan.//
I know that the thought didn't register. You still stood there
with a questioning expression, paused in mid-stride away from
me. I felt a twist of pain in my gut, but I refused to allow
tears to form in my eyes. This would be the way of it, then.
You had already let me go.
"We should attend to the queen," I finally spoke. "There are
many plans to be worked out."
It seemed to happen in slow motion. The door slid open,
revealing the hooded figure of the dark warrior I had faced on
Tatooine. I steeled myself as I watched him remove his hood,
his amber eyes issuing a silent challenge.
"We'll handle this," I muttered, forcing myself to the front of
our small group. You followed dutifully, no fear evident in
your demeanor.
//Fight strong, Padawan. Everything depends on his defeat.//
//Yes, Master.//
I allowed myself to feel a momentary elation as you restored
our bond slightly. You were still highly shielded, and that was
a bit of a worry to me. It would be a battle not easily won,
and we needed every advantage the Force offered to us.
Our robes dropped to the floor nearly simultaneously and the
blue glow of your lightsaber joined my green one only seconds
later. The Sith held out his hand and twin beams of red light
shot from his saber. I hoped I wasn't as out of practice
fighting against an opponent using a staff. The technique would
be essentially the same other than the fact that the staff was
an energy weapon as opposed to crude steel or wood.
I had little time to gather any thoughts about strategy before
we were drawn into furious battle. You caught and merged into
my rhythm quickly, both of us determined to use our combined
attacks to force the adversary off-balance. The very air became
charged with electricity and hummed with the sound and
vibration of our weapons.
The Sith was as well trained as I originally judged him to be
on Tatooine. He fought with both the power of the Force and his
own simmering rage. It was difficult to keep a firm focus on
anticipating his moves, for he fairly radiated disruptive waves
of darkness into the Force. He parried blows efficiently,
flourishing his retreats with swift spins that served to throw
off our timing. I had never faced such a talented adversary in
my lifetime.
//Bear down, Obi-Wan.//
Blood roared in my ears from the effort, and I had to back off
into a defensive stance to conserve my energy. You reacted
immediately by going in for attack, not allowing the Sith the
chance to rest. We had realized early that there was little we
could do but try to wear him down with our combined advantage.
I deflected two blows easily, and backed off. The Sith turned
towards you. A flash of insight through the Force, and I could
see the kick coming.
//Obi-Wan!//
I sent the image to your mind, and to my relief, you ducked
away from the side-kick that would have landed on your chin. I
nearly beamed with pride as you capitalized on the wasted
motion of the opponent and shoved him from the catwalk with a
shoulder-block.
We jumped down to the next level before the dark warrior had
even gotten back to his feet. At the end of this level I
noticed the cycling energy walls from the vision, and beyond
that what looked like a dead end chamber. We had to get through
the energy barriers in order to back the Sith into a corner.
You met my eyes in understanding and nodded slightly.
Again in battle, I used the Force to sense the timing of the
cycling walls. Always in motion, I directed the pace in order
to send the opponent through the barriers before us. The fate I
had foreseen could be avoided if only we could isolate the Sith
and keep ourselves from being separated in the process.
I could sense the opponent's distress at what we were planning.
His strategy had been to have us separated by this point. He
leapt in the air, slashing wildly with his saber in a last
effort to prevent his entrapment. You ducked away from one end
of the weapon, while the other delivered a glancing blow to my
sword arm, just above the elbow. You deflected another jab, and
the Sith turned toward me. Before I could raise my arm to
intercept his saber he hit me with a brutal side-kick to the
chest.
I stumbled, trying to catch my balance and stepped back onto
nothing. The last thing I saw was your look of shock as I
tumbled from the catwalk.
I landed hard, driving the air from my lungs with the impact. I
gasped harshly, my empty chest heaving and winced when I felt
the jab of pain from broken ribs. I didn't know whether they
had broken from the fall, or the kick that had caused it.
I tried to scramble to my feet, and looked up, seeing your face
peering down at me from two levels above. The Sith was nowhere
to be seen, and I had to assume he had run into the hallway
with the energy barriers. My suspicions were confirmed when you
glanced in that direction, then back at me.
"Master?"
"I'm all right. . ." I managed to speak through teeth clenched
with pain.
//You're hurt. Stay where you are.//
//No, Obi-Wan! I will get back up there.//
I gathered the Force around me in order to jump up to the next
catwalk. I managed only a weak leap, and barely pulled myself
onto the platform. There was still one more level to jump! I
panted in exertion, my chest feeling like it had been crushed.
Perhaps it had been.
//Master! You can't fight him injured.//
The energy walls were about ready to cycle again. I could sense
the indecision in you as you glanced back and forth between me
and the waiting Sith. I had to get back up to your level
before they opened. There was no way you could defeat him
alone.
"No! Obi-Wan!" I shouted as you moved to jump into the battle
again. "Wait for me. We will go in during the next cycle.
Obi-Wan!!" To my horror, you disappeared from my view.
//I'm sorry, Master. Stay where you are. I can defeat him.//
I made a move to leap again, then doubled over in agony.
Gritting my teeth, I drew upon the Force to numb the pain and
give me the strength to assist you. I jumped again, landing
cleanly onto the catwalk, and then ran toward the still open
energy walls. They powered back up again when I had cleared the
first one, and I skidded to an abrupt stop. You had managed to
clear them all and were once again engaged in battle.
I waited nervously, willing you to keep your defenses up. If
you could just hold on for the few more seconds it took before
the next cycle and I could join you. Impulsive, headstrong
Padawan-- why didn't you wait for me? I hadn't felt this kind
of desperation since. . . Oh, Force! Not since Bandomeer.
Memories of a conversation held twelve years earlier sprung
back into my mind as if it were only yesterday:
*Of course, you wouldn't have succeeded with you plan. I
would have stopped you from dying for me.*
*You not have been able to, Master.*
I nearly howled in rage at being trapped behind those walls. I
paced, ignoring the constant sharp pain in my chest with every
movement. Every single second felt like an hour of waiting.
My eyes never left you, and I could see that you were
weakening. He was very nearly playing with you now like some
wild beast toying with his prey. You were barely deflecting his
blows, and nearly fell when jumping back to avoid one. He
advanced toward you and landed a kick to your shoulder before
you thought to move aside, and I gasped as your lightsaber flew
from you hand.
The cycle began anew, and I ran as fast as I could manage to
assist you. I tried, Obi-Wan, I did all I could. I screamed in
frustration as the last wall materialized right in front of my
face before I cleared it.
Now, with you unarmed, the Sith powered off his lightsaber and
laughed. I could see your eyes on the handle of your own
weapon, and I wished that I could assist you in calling it back
to your hand. The opponent saw where your gaze lied as well,
and with a swift movement, kicked your lightsaber down the
melting pit.
My hands clenched reflexively around my weapon as I saw yours
fall. I watched you build that lightsaber when you were fifteen
after you had lost your first one on a difficult mission. I
still remember how ashamed you were when you told me you had
misplaced it somewhere. It had most likely been stolen by Outer
Rim scum, but you took the full responsibility for losing it. I
never blamed you, Obi-Wan. I wished that I could tell you that
now.
You were backing away from him now. There was only a few more
seconds before I could get past this damned red wall that
separated us. My heart was racing.
The red and black tattooed face turned toward me and smiled. I
gripped my lightsaber even harder than before. Just a few more
seconds.
Red light shot from the Sith's lightsaber. His face was still
turned toward me. I had to be prepared to leap into the room. I
sensed the energy was about to cycle. I readied myself.
With a roar and a swirl of black fabric, the monster spun,
igniting the other blade of his lightsaber. I felt the Force
erupt around me in warning like a deafening scream. I knew it.
I saw it. I didn't have time to warn you.
The Sith's blade pierced you in the abdomen.
I screamed your name in horror, just as the energy wall
switched off. I was fighting before you had even hit the
ground.
Rage was my guide, and I gave into it. I lashed out at my
adversary with every last ounce of my strength. I beat him
backward, but he dealt me several wounds in the process. I
refused to let myself weaken from them. Drawing up on reserves
I didn't even know I had, I disarmed him and struck him down.
Kicking him down the melting pit took the last bit of energy,
and I fell to my hands and knees on the cold floor sobbing.
I saw you lying on your back only meters from me before my
vision blurred. I crawled painfully, pausing several times to
catch my breath. My hair hung in strands in front of my face,
and I was bleeding from at least a dozen wounds. My chest ached
with every breath, and I tasted the iron on my tongue. I didn't
need to use the Force to know I had exhaled blood from my
lungs, they had probably been punctured by one of my ribs.
"Obi. . . Obi. . .Wan," I gasped.
Your eyes cracked open slightly when I got to your side. Your
blue-green eyes, the color of the seas of my home planet, were
glassy and unfocused. I lied down beside you, too weak to stay
upright any longer, and pulled you into my embrace.
"Ma-master?" you whimpered.
//Shh. . . don't speak, Padawan. As much as I love the sound of
your voice, I'd have you conserve your strength.//
"You're wounded."
You eyes studied my face. I held back my tears.
//You are injured far worse than I, love. Now hush. I will
summon Captain Panaka.//
I fumbled in the pockets of my utility belt for my commlink.
//It's too late.//
"No!" I growled, impatiently extracting the device. "Captain?"
"Master Jinn? Is that you? Are you hurt?"
//Master?//
"We need. . . to be taken to. . . medical. . ." I struggled to
speak between gasps for air.
//...Master...?//
"Please. . . hurry. He's dying," I sobbed, then my head swirled
with dizziness.
//......Master......?//
//Hold on, love. Hold on.//
I ran -- long legs trampling down foliage as I tried to escape
the unseen evil that pursued me. Through the swamp lands now,
my boots splashing down hard on muddy ground. Hot, humid air
made me sticky from the effort. My damp, filthy Padawan braid
stuck to my bare chest and perspiration trickled down my neck.
I didn't mind the discomfort; I was nearly there.
Around two more corners and the ground was beginning to harden
into something more solid. My harsh breathing and roaring
heartbeat were all I could hear. In a low clearing ahead, I saw
my destination, and allowed myself to slow down to a trot. My
Master was standing there waiting for me.
"Good. Getting faster, you are," he praised. "Take your
lightsaber, you will."
I was exhausted, but I did as I was told. I swung my weapon,
deflecting blasts from the training remote. My Master's eyes
never left me. My entire world had become focused on
controlling the beam of green light that protected me from
harm.
"A Jedi's strength comes not only through the Force. Finely
honed is a Jedi's body. A conduit it must be," Yoda said. "Know
you body's limits, you must. Conserve energy where you can.
Need it later, you might."
"Yes, Master," I murmured, my voice calm and even despite my
weariness.
"Good, Padawan. Enough for today, it is."
I switched off my lightsaber and bowed respectfully before
Yoda. I know I probably looked like a mess. I was covered in
mud, sweat, and blood from several scratches.
"Clean up, you will," Yoda said, reading my mind.
"With respect, Master, but I don't believe you can truly get
clean on this planet." I wiped my forehead with the back of my
hand.
"Hmmmph!" My Master turned toward his hut. I had to smile at
his amusement that radiated through our training bond.
Training on Dagobah had distinct disadvantages from the cold
sterility of the Jedi Temple, however only here did one feel
the entirety of the Living Force. The swampy planet was filled
with hundreds of thousands of different species-- everything
from exotic plants to swimming creatures to larger sentient
beings. All of this thriving life made the swamp planet one of
the favorite places to train Jedi in the ways of the Force.
Dagobah was also my Master's home planet.
I stripped off the remainder of my clothes and bathed in the
pool of clear water that was behind my Master's hut. I scrubbed
my closely cut hair, and worked out the knots in my braid. My
workout had left me tired, but in tune with the Force. I was a
healthy and strong apprentice of nineteen years that was soon
to take his trials. The promise of knighthood beckoned me. I
don't believe I had never been more happy.
I awoke to dim light and the hum of droids hovering nearby.
Rubbing the sleep out of my eyes, I reflected upon my dream. It
had been many years since I had been on Dagobah, even longer
since I was a Padawan. I sensed a familiar being beside me, and
turned.
"Remember that time as well, I do, Qui-Gon."
"Master Yoda?" I asked, my voice sounded like gravel. I
coughed. "Where am I? What happened?"
"Remember what happened, you do not?"
I shook my head, struggling to adjust my eyes to the low light.
"No."
"Injured, you were. Only just out of the bacta, you are after
six days." Yoda used the Force to bring up the lights so that I
could see.
I examined my surroundings. I was in a medical unit, but an
unfamiliar one. "This isn't the Jedi Temple," I murmured.
"No. On Naboo, you are still."
Naboo? I struggled to think of why I would have been so
seriously injured on a relatively peaceful planet. It didn't
take long to recall what had happened.
"Obi-Wan!" I gasped, and struggled to sit up.
Yoda used the Force to hold me down to the medi-couch. "Exert
yourself, you must not," he said calmly.
"What of Obi-Wan?" I held on to the couch so hard my knuckles
were white.
"Clings to life still, he does. He is in the bacta."
Bacta. Thank the Force! That meant there was still a chance you
would survive. I breathed out a long breath of relief. "I must
see him, Master," I told Yoda. "I must."
"Be there he will be when you awaken next. Sleep, you need
now," Yoda reached out a gnarled hand toward my forehead. "We
return to Coruscant while you rest."
I wanted to resist his Force-push into sleep, but I couldn't.
My eyes drooped immediately, and a protest died on my lips.
This time I had no dreams.
There is something similar to being reborn when one is removed
from a bacta tank. Perhaps it's the way that you emerged naked
and drenched, clinging only to the ventilation mask that
supported your life. On the day of our arrival on Coruscant, I
felt that you were reborn to me. Your body was unmarked except
for a small scar above your navel.
The medic droid lied you onto a medi-couch for your
examination. I hovered behind transparent doors with Yoda
waiting for word on your condition. You looked pale and limp to
my eyes, but I was some distance away. A better diagnosis could
be made by checking our bond, so I reached out toward you.
Silence. I began to pace worriedly.
"Time, it will take, Qui-Gon," Yoda assured me. "Nearly left
us, he did."
Left us. Funny how Jedi, supposedly the most enlightened
creatures in the galaxy, still used such euphemisms. I knew the
hard, cold reality of death. I saw it in your eyes only days
before. I shivered despite the warm temperature of the medical
unit.
I looked down and noticed my former Master studying me
intently. I stopped my nervous pacing and folded my arms into
my robe in a formal display of respect. I had obviously spent
too much time away from Coruscant if I had forgotten how to
behave in front of senior Masters.
"Foresaw a different fate on Naboo, you did," Yoda said.
"Sensed this, I did, in your sleeping mind."
"I dreamt that I would perish on Naboo. Obi-Wan saw this too,"
I admitted. "However, my dreams have never been prophetic, I
felt that. . ."
"Dreamt this, I did as well," the small Master interrupted me.
"Stolen fate, Obi-Wan has -- stolen your fate."
"Are you trying to say that the Force. . ." I began.
"The will of the Force, I know not," the small Master
interrupted. "Meditation is wise for you now, Qui-Gon."
I nodded silently.
"There are issues the Council wishes to speak to you about. We
will meet at the fifteenth hour," he said as he hobbled away
down the hall.
I watched him depart, lost in my own thoughts. Was it really
the will of the Force that I die on Naboo? Had I done wrong in
trying to prevent it? Had we both been wrong? These questions
were better brought up during meditation, which I promised
myself I would attend to after I found out your condition.
A chime on medi-unit terminal brought me out of my reverie.
Data was scrolling along the monitor and I stepped forward to
read it.
Patient: Kenobi, Obi-Wan
Rank: Padawan
Species: Human
Age: 25
Sex: male
Height: 177.8 cm
Weight: 68.9 kg
Heart Rate: regular, 63/minute
Blood Pressure: 126/82
Core Temperature: 37 degrees
Respiration: regular, 16/minute
It continued on several pages. All of the values were within
normal range. Your physical exam results showed no observable
problems other than your unconscious state and a reduced neural
response to stimuli. I allowed myself another sigh of relief.
You were well on your way to healing.
I watched the droids preparing to move you to your own
medi-couch for a few moments longer. There was little more I
could do until you were settled in, so I headed toward the
Temple gardens to meditate. I wasn't looking forward to the
Council meeting later in the day, and I needed my mind as clear
as possible. I had a distinct sense through the Force that all
was not well.
You know well how much I hate attending Council meetings. The
one later that day was no different, in fact, the dread I felt
was even worse. My meditations that lasted nearly five hours
turned up nothing useful. I was left with more questions than
answers, and my Master's cryptic words outside the medic unit
still confounded me. My only peace of mind came from the fact
that I knew that you were in the hands of the healers and
improving. I thanked the Force for that almost every minute.
"Master Qui-Gon," Yoda greeted formally.
I bowed in respect to the Council members. "Masters."
"We have reviewed the report you submitted of the mission to
Naboo. We have made some conclusions regarding the dark warrior
that you faced," Mace Windu began, looking at a datapad instead
of me. "We think there is no doubt that it was a Sith Lord."
I nodded silently. This was as much of a acknowledgement as
Mace would give anyone for being correct.
"Always two there are. A master and an apprentice," Yoda said.
"Know, we do not, which one was destroyed. Troubling, this is."
"I agree, my Master," I said.
"We have heard word that Padawan Kenobi is doing well," Ki-Adi
Mundi said.
"He is young and strong, Master Mundi. He will no doubt make a
quick recovery." I allowed a hint of a smile to touch my lips.
"And what of your injuries?" Mace asked.
"I believe I am making progress. Other than a slight shortness
of breath, I feel entirely healthy. It is nothing that a bit
more time can't fix."
"Good."
I bowed slightly.
"In regards to the matter of young Anakin Skywalker, the
Council has decided to refuse your request to take him as a
Padawan," Mace again read from the datapad. "However, we will
allow Skywalker to be trained in the temple for a trial period.
If he advances in that time, he will be admitted as a full
initiate in his age group."
I bowed again. "Thank you, Master Windu."
"Finally, you are excused from duty for a period of one month
to rest and heal your injuries, as well as assist in Padawan
Kenobi's recovery." Mace set the datapad down. "We are pleased
to have you both returned to the temple after such a dangerous
mission, Qui-Gon. That is all we have for you today."
I couldn't help but breathe a long sigh of relief when out of
the Council's chambers. It would seem my anxieties were all for
nothing. The Council had agreed to Anakin's training, in which
I had no doubt he would excel. All that was left was to get you
back to health again. I felt that the Force was truly with us
this time, Obi-Wan.
In my haste to reach the medical unit, I nearly plowed over a
figure dressed in dark blue robes. Issuing a quick apology, I
continued on my way.
"Jedi Master Jinn, may I have a moment of your time?"
I turned back around to see that it was Senator Palpatine that
I had nearly run down.
"Of course, Senator. My apologies for my haste." I quickly
erected the facade of the stoic Jedi Master, tramping down my
eagerness to get to your side.
"Going to see your apprentice in the medical unit? I have just
been there myself." The politician gave me an insincere looking
smile.
I nodded, hiding my surprise. Since when did politicians have
access to restricted areas of the Jedi Temple, I thought to
myself.
"Yes. I have been requested by Her Highness, Queen Amidala, to
send her regards to you and young Kenobi. She wishes to express
her gratitude for the service you performed in reclaiming
Naboo. Without the Jedi, our planet would be in ruins."
"It was our honor to serve," I murmured a standard reply.
"Could I buy you some refreshment, Master Jedi? It is the least
I could do," he flashed me that damned fake smile again. I
remembered why I didn't like to spend time in the company of
politicians.
"Perhaps some other time," I refused mildly. A small prodding
from the Force sent a shiver of unease down my spine. I found
myself quite eager to be rid of the Senator's presence.
"Yes. Some other time, then. Good day," Palpatine dismissed
himself.
A week passed, and I grew to know the inside the Temple medical
unit more intimately than I ever wanted to. When you didn't
regain consciousness in the first few days, I grew worried.
When a full week was over and you still lied motionless on the
medi-couch, I was truly disturbed. Our training bond was
deathly silent, an even more serious concern.
The Jedi healers darted about all day, examining datapads with
the latest clinical readings of your condition. Medical droids
poked and prodded at you, looking for reflexes and responses.
Despite all this, you still lied silent and pale.
I had all but taken up residence in your room, sometimes
spending hours at a time in a healing trance trying to break
through our silent bond. The absence of it was traumatizing--
your presence in my mind was something that I had spent twelve
years getting accustomed to. Losing it felt like losing a vital
piece of myself.
So it was, that I found myself one night staring at the even
rise and fall of your chest, trying unsuccessfully to stay
awake. Just as I felt my eyelids begin to droop, a familiar
presence washed into the room. I stifled a large yawn as I
moved to stand and greet Master Yoda.
"Unwise it is, Qui-Gon, to deprive yourself of sleep. Fully
healed yourself, you are not."
"Obi-Wan needs me," I said, a bit too sharply.
I watched Yoda's ears twitch in response. "Sleep here or in
your quarters, what difference does it make?"
"I'm sorry, Master. I only wish to be here when he awakes."
"Honorable, are your intentions, Qui-Gon, but your Master
still, am I. Stay with the boy tonight, I will."
There was very little use in arguing with Yoda. I had to admit,
even grudgingly, that I longed for the comfort of my own
quarters. I allowed myself one night away from you side.
I luxuriated in my own bed the next morning until nearly the
tenth hour until I was startled awake by a flicker of emotion
through our bond. Force! I don't believe I had ever dressed
faster in my life. I was out of my door and sprinting toward
the medical unit without even bothering to properly fold my
tunic or even to comb my hair.
As I turned down the final corridor, I stopped almost to a halt
at the sight of Senator Palpatine hurrying in the other
direction. He threw a glance over his shoulder at me as he
ducked into a lift tube. Now I was truly confounded. Why would
he be at the Jedi Temple medic unit twice in one week? Insight
through the Force told me not to trust the man, but still my
curiosity burned. I would have to ask Yoda about it.
My former master wasn't at your side when I entered your room.
The only presence was a medic droid hovering close by. When the
droid moved aside, I saw that your eyes were open. I couldn't
hold back the smile from my face.
"Obi-Wan." I moved closer, sidestepping the droid, which beeped
at my rude interruption. You didn't respond to my voice, nor
did you eyes blink. I reached out and took your lifeless hand.
"He's still unresponsive, Master Jinn," a voice said behind me.
I didn't have to turn to recognize that it was the Jedi healer
who had taken your case. "It's not unusual for the eyes to open
sometimes. Just a muscle spasm, most likely."
My heart fell. Then I remembered the spark of life I felt
through our bond. I hurriedly told the healer what had awoken
me. I sat down in the chair at your side, and touched your cool
forehead with my hand. How I missed you, love. All I wanted was
you back with me.
"What you sensed was probably only random energy, Master.
Although, I will put it down on his record."
To my delight, I felt another small twinge of activity along
our connection. I leaned close, searching your half-open,
unfocused eyes for a hint of life, probing our link with the
Force.
//It's time to wake up, Obi-Wan.//
There was no response. No movement whatsoever. You eyes stayed
open, unblinking, staring into nothingness.
I clung resolutely to hope that you would awaken soon.
Another week passed uneventfully.
Then another.
We were both losing weight, I realized.
Although you were being artificially sustained with nutrients,
your body was wasting by the day. When the medics undressed you
for bathing, I could see you were losing the muscle tone you
had achieved through years of training. Your face was also
thinner, you cheekbones getting more pronounced. Your pallor
increased as well, enough so that I could see tiny blue veins
underneath your skin.
My appetite waned to nearly nothing as the days drug by.
Everything revolved around being at your side and trying to
reach you. The bond we shared, once being a source of strength
to me, was now a thinly stretched cord that felt ready to
unravel. I knew it was the Force's way of separating us before
you lost your grip on life, but there was nothing in the galaxy
that could compel me to let go of that fragile bond. I had
resolved to drag you back through into life, even at the
consequence of following you into death if I failed.
It took a huge spat with Yoda to get me to go downstairs to the
dining area. After being told that I was both disrespectful and
foolish by the highest senior master in the Temple, I finally
relented. Relented grudgingly, of course. I couldn't make life
too easy for my elders.
When I got there, I picked out an isolated table and picked at
my food. There was very little pleasure in even the smallest
things anymore. I'd had a robust appetite all of my life, but
now even the feel of food in my mouth sickened me. I shoved my
plate away angrily.
"Well, Master Jinn. We meet again."
I lifted my eyes to see Senator Palpatine sitting down in the
seat across from me. He eyed my rejected meal with interest.
"Do the vegetables not appeal to you, or is it the sauce?" he
asked neutrally.
"I don't have time to chat right now, Senator," I snapped. "If
you'll excuse me, I'll--"
"How is your young apprentice, Master Jedi?" the politician
interrupted. "The queen has heard word that he--"
"There is no change," I said, feeling a slight satisfaction to
be able to interrupt him as rudely has he did to me.
"That is a pity," the Senator responded. "You know, I have
contacts with some healers that might be able to help young
Kenobi."
I eyed the man suspiciously. "The Jedi healers are the best in
the galaxy."
"Master Jinn, why don't we adjourn to a more private area to
speak of this. Would you allow me to buy you that refreshment
now?"
I had to admit, the man had grabbed my interest. Perhaps he did
know someone who could assist in your healing. I decided that I
should hear him out-- it would be the polite thing to do.
Ignoring the persistent urge to return to your side, I followed
the Senator out of the dining area.
After nearly two hours of discussion of natural healing
techniques on the planet of Daanken and three refills of the
Senator's 'refreshment', I was finally able to get back to the
medical unit. I collapsed in the chair beside you with a weary
sigh. Your soft, even breathing was the only sound in the room.
"Obi-Wan, please come back to me," I whispered thickly,
swallowing hard past a lump in my throat. "I can't lose you
like this, you're too young."
//Please hear me, Padawan.//
"Why didn't you wait for me? We could have defeated him
together."
I wrapped my arms around my midsection and hugged myself. It
almost seemed an effort to hold myself together. I was as close
to breaking down as I had been since I saw you fall under the
Sith's blade.
"Damnit, Padawan! I don't want to light your funeral pyre! I
haven't even gotten the chance to see you knighted y-yet." My
voice wavered, and I blinked hard against burning tears.
//Obi-Wan, please. Remember our last night together. Remember
how our minds were laid bare to each other. Please. I love you,
I've always loved you. No, more than that. . . I need you here.
Come back!//
The silence was unbearable. There was no way I could stay with
you through the night. Trembling and dizzy with exhaustion, I
returned to my quarters. As always, I gazed at your empty sleep
couch across the room from mine before I dimmed the lights to
blackness. Thankfully, I didn't have to wait too long for sleep
to claim me.
#I moaned, reaching the point where I could no longer keep the
sound locked within me. I heard your mischievous laugh, muffled
against my chest. Your tongue darted out again to tease at one
sensitive nipple and I threw my head back, biting my lips to
keep from crying out.
//Go ahead, wake the entire Temple, Master.//
I roughly seized your upper arms and drug you up the few
centimeters it took to devour your lips with mine.
//Oh, love. Missed you so much.//
I had little time to concentrate on pure the pure joy of having
you back. You hands were still playing with my nipples, even as
we kissed. I gasped into your mouth as you pinched one sharply
between your fingers.
You broke away then, leaving me panting and stretching my neck
up to capture your mouth again.
"Yes, Master. I'm going to take you." Your voice was as smooth
as silk.
You leaned close to capture my earlobe between your teeth. I
gasped again at the tiny pain.
"Obi-Wan. . ." I shivered at the feel of your breath in my ear.
"I'm going to take you," you repeated, the barest whisper in my
ear. "I'm going to take you hard."
"Yes! Please," I moaned, "please."
"But I haven't decided," you said nipping my ear again, "on
your back or on your belly?"
I groaned, thrusting my hips up against you, starved for any
bit of contact. Your voice beside my ear was driving me mad.
"Either way. . . both, I don't care. Please, Padawan."
"On your back, I think." You drew away, looking down at me with
a small smile on your lips. "You have this amazing look on your
face when you come, Master. I noticed it the first time we were
together. Your eyes widen, just a little bit, your mouth
trembles, and your face is flushed so beautifully. The sounds
you make, though. . . that's my favorite part. Such raw,
desperate sounds."
"Obi-Wan. . ."
"Yes, just like that, Master. Say my name just like that again,
and I'll take you."
You closed your eyes so beautifully when I moaned your name
again. It was almost if you were savoring the very sound of
those two syllables. You raised yourself up and settled back so
that you were straddling my hips. I couldn't keep my hand away
from lightly stroking your erection as it bobbed against my
stomach with your movement. With a reproving look, you swatted
my fingers away.
//No, Master. This is my turn.//
You continued to move farther down my body, pulling my knees up
as you did so. When I was positioned to your liking, I heard a
soft chuckle leave your throat.
"You're so hard for me, Master," you murmured, running warm
fingers over my straining, turgid cock. "So big and hard. I'm
torn, love. Should I let you take me instead?"
You took me in your fist, sliding slowly from root to tip, and
my hips thrust up reflexively into that sweet caress.
"Oh, you like that," you said, stroking again, a bit more
firmly. "How do you feel about this?"
I jerked in surprise at the gentle probe of a lubricated
finger. Your mouth descended onto my cock a moment later and I
shuddered at the hot spike of pleasure. I threw my head back,
unable to keep myself from rocking my hips upwards into your
mouth. Your finger inside me twisted, and bent upward,
searching for that special place. . .
"Oh, yes! Padawan. . ." I cried, stroking your spiky hair,
trying to thread my fingers into the short strands. "I'm going.
. . Obi-Wan. . . "
//Yes, Master?//
"I'm going to come. . . too fast. . . " I moaned, teetering on
the brink of a much too quick climax.
You drug your mouth up and placed a sweet kiss on the tip of my
cock. I lifted my head to see your lips curl into an evil
looking smile. I blinked, and saw a flash of long black hair as
you descend on me again.
//Master? Look at me. Don't you love the sight of your cock in
my mouth?//
I gasped. It wasn't your smooth voice I heard through our bond.
I lifted my head again to see that same black hair fanned out
across my hips. Eyes the darkest shade of midnight blue peeked
up at me before that hot, velvety mouth engulfed me fully
again. Those eyes had haunted me for the better part of fifteen
years. I didn't even have to notice the scar shaped like a
broken circle to know. . .
"Xan. . . Xanatos. . ."
//Yes, Master. Come in my mouth.//
"No!" I gasped, horrified at what I was seeing, but so close to
orgasm that I couldn't hold myself back. I closed my eyes and
surrendered to the sensations. #
I awoke with a gasp soon replaced by a long groan of pleasure.
Still groggy and disoriented, I reached down to free a
rock-hard erection from the uncomfortable prison of my sleep
pants. Even the slightest amount of friction sent a jolt of
white-hot pleasure up my spine. I don't think I had ever been
so aroused in my life.
I came with a shout at almost no stimulation, my hips thrusting
upwards into nothing but the cool air of my room. I threw an
arm over my eyes and tried to calm my rapid breathing, not even
bothering to wipe away the cooling semen from my belly.
The dream had been incredibly vivid. I could nearly feel myself
being devoured by Xanatos' mouth again. It was almost like he
had raped me in my dreams. I felt just that dirty from an
encounter that had never happened.
Even awake, I trembled at the remembrance of Xanatos' voice
coming through our link. I had never bonded closely with my
former apprentice, our connection through training was fragile
at best. Not like with you, Obi-Wan. You had been a part of my
mind from our very first days together.
I shifted in discomfort. Looking down, I noticed that the
intense orgasm did nothing to decrease my arousal. Instead of
softening, my penis was just as rigid as it had been. I bit
back a moan. It was just as sensitive as it had been as well --
perhaps even more, I noted as I circled the head lazily with a
forefinger.
My second self-induced orgasm of the night didn't cool my ardor
any more than the first. I tried unsuccessfully to sleep, only
to toss and turn endlessly with the urge to masturbate again. I
couldn't recall experiencing a hormonal craving as bad since I
was an apprentice.
Hours later, aching with need, I could no longer take it. I
abandoned any ideas of sleep and slipped on my clothing in the
darkness.
The Jedi Temple of Coruscant is built on many levels. It has
been said that new Jedi learn to climb ladder of the Temple the
same way that they acquire greater skills. The creche is the
lowest level, where the newest Initiates learn their first
lessons. Somewhere in the middle is the training areas, where
older Initiates and Novice Padawans learn to channel and
control the Force.
Higher still is the level of the exercise rooms, usually
inhabited by Intermediate and Advanced Padawans. There is
another part of this area other than where lessons take place.
It is a place not often spoken of by those who have passes
their trials and moved into Knighthood. It is affectionately
referred to as 'The Arcade' by those who have frequented it
over the years.
The Arcade is a common area where advanced-level Padawans
gather, often staying up long past temple curfew. Often times
there is music, dancing, games, and just general socializing
among the young Jedi. Most Padawans of this age spend months at
a time off Coruscant on missions, so the Arcade is usually the
place to catch up with old friends.
It is also well known that the Arcade is where a sex partner is
most likely to be found.
I took almost a shameful amount of glee in the fact that this
area of the temple hadn't changed much in forty years. Sure,
the music sounded different and I didn't recognize any of the
young faces around me, but the energy was still the same. About
sixty or so Padawans of varying species were gathered in the
common area, many holding glasses of some no-doubt intoxicating
beverage.
Apparently, a Master strolling in amongst the gathering wasn't
that unusual. I heard a few murmurs here and there, but I
didn't let it faze me. In fact, I walked right up to the source
of the refreshment and poured myself a glass.
"Master Jinn," a female Daarkanian said as she smiled at me.
Her nearly white eyes studied me intently.
"Padawan," I acknowledged, hiding my surprise that my name was
known here. I rarely stayed over on Coruscant between missions.
The young female smoothed a lock of her blue hair as she
studied me. "Obi-Wan speaks highly of you."
"He does?" I inquired, scanning the assembled apprentices
intently.
"Yes. He is a friend to many and greatly missed."
I swallowed hard to push back a sudden rush of annoyance. The
young Jedi nearly sounded as if you were being mourned as dead.
You were *not* dead. No matter how hopeless your condition was
in the medical unit, you still clung to life.
Even more than that was the irritation of knowing that you
often spent nights here amongst your friends. Which ones did
you allow to touch you? Which ones did you make love to in some
isolated area of the Temple? On board the Naboo starship, I did
not bed a virgin. Far from an innocent, I thought with a wry
smile and a heated rush of arousal.
This was shameful, I thought, downing the rest of my drink.
Qui-Gon Jinn, accomplished Jedi Master, standing amongst a
group of apprentices in a state of anger and arousal, ingesting
some mind-altering substance and looking for a bed partner. But
as it was, my body was beyond my control, and seemed to be
reacting on instinct rather than according to my better
judgement.
"Excuse me, Master," a voice said beside me.
I turned to see a young human male reaching for a refill on his
beverage. He brushed past my arm lightly, and I flinched at the
feel of his tunic stroking my wrist. He was really quite
magnificent, I thought, with a renewal of lust. Closely cut
sandy-blonde hair, Padawan braid falling almost to his belt,
curling into a spiral at the tail. He was close to my height,
and very lean.
He had a beautiful smile as well, I realized when he noticed
that I was staring at him. Brown eyes sparkled at me with
interest, and a bit of mischief.
"I'm. . . uh. Qui-Gon Jinn," I managed to introduce myself.
"Of course. Everybody knows Master Jinn," he replied, his
amusement apparent in his voice. Force, but he was gorgeous.
"I'm Eri-Kol Heth."
"Padawan Heth," I acknowledged nervously.
He laughed in amusement. "Why the formality, Qui-Gon? May I
call you Qui-Gon?"
"Of course."
"Well, Qui-Gon, I was about to return to my Master's quarters
for the night," he grinned at me with definite interest this
time. "Unless, of course, I were to receive a better offer."
My mouth went dry. Perhaps it was even easier than I thought it
would be.
"I might be interested in making an offer," I said, my heart
rate speeding up when I saw the smile I received in return.
"Well, if you're offering, I'm accepting. Lead the way,
Qui-Gon."
Any reservations I had about acquiring a partner were quickly
dashed when back in the confines of my quarters. Eri-Kol wasted
absolutely no time, starting to remove his clothing as soon as
the door slid shut. I watched, dumbfounded and incredibly
aroused as the heap of discarded fabric grew on the floor--
belt, sash, outer tunic, inner tunic. . . I watched the play of
the muscles on his lean stomach as he bent over to undo the
fastenings on his boots. Finally, he sauntered over to me
barefoot with nothing on but his trousers.
"Shall I?" he asked softly, reaching around to divest me of my
own belt and sash. His nimble fingers didn't even shake or
fumble as he slipped both tunics off of my shoulders. I gasped
as he traced fingertips from my collarbone to my waist, then
back up again along my sides. His head dipped down and moist
lips caressed one nipple to a hard point then repeated the
motion on the other.
I closed my eyes, and tried to draw him close, but his slipped
from my grip, kneeling before me to remove my boots. I allowed
him, standing first on one foot, then the other as he tugged
them off. I thought then that he was going to stand up again,
but instead his hands went to my waist and started pulling down
my trousers.
My erection bobbed free, and he caught it in a gentle hand,
while the other tugged the pants to my ankles. He smiled up at
me, agile fingers working my flesh into an even harder state. I
was amazed that it was even possible until that point.
"Padawan. . ." I murmured, feeling dizzy with excitement.
"I hope you don't mind if we skip the preliminaries, Qui-Gon,"
the boy said in a saucy voice, right before he licked up the
entire length of my shaft. "I think we're both a little
impatient tonight."
I nodded my agreement, and watched him drop his own trousers
onto the heap of discarded clothes. I barely got a good look at
his own aroused flesh, before he turned his back to me, but it
looked sizable. I shivered in anticipation. I watched his
smooth buttocks as he walked to the stuffed chair in the center
of my sitting area.
He arranged himself so that be was bent over the back, rear
facing me. With a mischievous glance over his shoulder, he
beckoned me to come closer. He stroked one hand over his
bottom, and I watched with fascination as he began to prepare
himself for entry. First one, then two blunt fingers slipped
inside, stretching the passage for me.
He eyed my cock critically, then chuckled. "I might need a bit
of help."
I bit down on the back of his neck as I slid one finger into
him along side the two of his. He grunted and pushed back onto
my hand. He was tight, but slick with some form of lubrication.
Confused, I looked around the chair for more of what he had
used.
"No more," he gasped, understanding what I was searching for.
"That's from earlier tonight."
I closed my eyes and groaned. The boy had already been with
someone tonight. I felt like I was about to burst with pent-up
up lust. Pulling my finger out roughly, I swatted his hands
away from his ass, and positioned my cock. He accepted me with
one smooth thrust.
Perfection. There was no other word that described the tight
heat and friction that surrounded me. I rocked slowly into the
young man at first, drawing out the pleasure in long, delicious
strokes. I adjusted the angle of his hips and started pumping
in short, shallow thrusts. From the sound of Eri-Kol's moans, I
had judged the angle right.
The boy thrashed and writhed underneath me, and his muscles
tightened nearly unbearably around me as he came. Undaunted, I
kept driving into the pliant body, holding off my release as
long as I could.
I looked down at the boy beneath me, his closely shorn sandy
hair, lean muscular back. . . he could be you, love. The
thought drove my passion even higher.
I gripped the slim waist in front of me, grinding my hips
roughly from side to side as I thrust. Climax was a point of
white-light that I could see dancing before my eyes, and I
raced for it.
"Yes. . . love. . . Obi-Wan!" I cried out, blinded by a
dazzling orgasm.
Finally sated, I collapsed against the boy's sweaty back, my
chest heaving.
"Please. . . Master, no more," I heard the far away murmur of a
soft voice. A soft voice that sounded like it was in pain. I
lifted myself off of the young man, separating our bodies in
the process.
"Ahhh! Oh, Force!" Eri-Kol gasped.
I looked down and saw a trickle of blood weaving it's way down
the boy's leg. I stared at that single drop, stomach churning
with nausea at what I'd done. Something else inside of me,
something cold and dark, flared up in victory.
In horror, I watched the boy wince as he stood up. He swiped
his shaking hand across tear-stained cheeks.
He looked so young. . . and about ready to burst into tears
again. Force, I thought, he didn't even look a day over
eighteen.
I muttered a shameful apology. Useless words, I knew, but what
could I say to a young man I'd just abused?
I couldn't watch him dress. I sank down weakly in the chair we
had just used in our hasty copulation and tried to rid my mind
of the sight of that blood. I heard the automatic door to my
quarters open and close, and realized he had left without
saying a word.
I stared into nothingness for several minutes, my shame nearly
overwhelming me. I had broken my vow of knighthood, been taken
over by dark passions, and hurt a young Padawan. Still, you
lied unconscious since the fateful battle on Naboo. You were my
only source of strength in the galaxy, and I couldn't reach
you.
I was still sitting in that chair sometime later, drifting
close to sleep, when I felt our bond sever with a gut-wrenching
rip. I squeezed my eyes shut against a rush of tears. Sobs
shook my body as I reached out to you and felt nothing.
I had lost you.
I had lost everything.
Sometime during the night you stopped breathing. Thankfully,
you were being constantly monitored by a medical droid which
alerted the healers to the emergency immediately. Once again
you were brought back from the brink of death.
I greeted the Coruscant dawn with a violent bout of nausea that
left me shaking with dry heaves in the corner of the fresher.
My mind was painfully clear after the hazy events of the night
before and it gave me pause. My body's unusual reactions and
the subsequent sickness led me to believe that I might have
suffered from a toxic reaction of some sort.
The vague notion that I could have been drugged didn't do much
to assuage my conscience. I spent hours replaying the entire
event in my mind, each time I gathered more and more
recollection of what happened. Through the Force-enhanced
memories I recalled the moment when Eri-Kol's voice started to
cry out in pain. Shamefully, my reaction was only to pound into
his helpless body even harder and dig strong, bruising fingers
into the tender flesh of his waist.
I did my best at trying to meditate, but the calming trance was
elusive. I couldn't center my mind which was still raw from the
loss of our bond. On my fourth or fifth attempt, I was
interrupted by someone at my door.
"Master Jinn, the Council requests your attendance at a
meeting," Docent Vant told me.
The blue-skinned female often ran errands and relayed messages
throughout the temple on behalf of the Council. Usually, when I
saw her at my door I knew my day was going to be long. As
usual, she didn't disappoint.
"At what hour?" I asked, hiding my irritation.
"Immediately, Master," she replied.
Could things get any worse? I breathed out a long sigh then
nodded. "I will finish dressing."
A glance into a mirror as a straightened my tunic confirmed my
fears. I looked as bad as I felt. I had a sickly, pale
complexion with dark, bruised looking skin ringing my eyes. My
hair was down and in an utter disarray. I smoothed it as best I
could, not having time to wash or tie it back properly. I
looked even more pale against the dark fabric of my robe, I
realized. I smoothed the wrinkles and stopped to look one more
time at my reflection before I left my quarters.
Yes, I realized with a sinking heart, things could get a great
deal worse.
I was not alone in my summons to appear before the Council. A
diminutive female Master was also present along with her very
intimidated looking Padawan, Eri-Kol. I resisted the urge to
back out of the Council Chamber doors and schooled my features
into a semblance of serenity as I approached the circle.
"Master Qui-Gon," Yoda spoke first as he did in every Council
meeting.
"Masters," I replied neutrally.
"Know why you are here, do you?" Yoda asked, his eyes blinking
slowly.
I nodded. A Jedi takes responsibility for every mistake. It was
my Master Yoda who taught me that. There was very little use in
lying to him, anyway.
"May I speak in my own defense, Masters?" I asked, throwing a
sideways glance at the very angry looking female Master beside
me.
"Speak you will, Qui-Gon," Yoda assured me.
"Masters, I have come to the conclusion that my actions last
night may have been induced by a toxic reaction. I believe that
I was given a mind-altering substance that made me--"
"You believe that you were drugged?" Mace interrupted, his face
showing nothing but disbelief.
"I believe that I was given something. I do not know what," I
offered.
"You were drugged by whom and for what purpose?" Adi Gallia
spoke up. I turned in her direction.
"I spent a couple hours last night in the company of Senator
Palpatine of Naboo. While in his quarters he served me a
beverage," I said. "It was a very exotic drink with ingredients
imported from his planet. It may not have been deliberate on
his part to affect me, but I believe that I had a reaction to
something in that drink."
Yoda and the other Masters studied me intently. I folded my
hands into my robe and waited.
"He drank at the Arcade as well," Eri-Kol spoke out of turn and
received a sharp look from both his Master and a few Council
members.
"Something to add, have you, Master Tarran?" Yoda turned to the
female Master beside me.
She nodded and stepped forward. "With respect, Masters, but I
don't see why you are so easily accepting his excuses. He
freely admits to the charge of abusing his power as elder and
forcing himself upon my Padawan."
"It was not rape. He gave consent," I muttered.
She turned to me, her eyes blazing in her small face. "When he
was crying and telling you to stop, you didn't. I don't
consider that to be consent!"
"That is quite enough," Mace interjected. "You will address
your words to the Council and not each other. Continue, Master
Tarran."
The small woman glared at me one more time then turned toward
the Council.
"Masters, Eri-Kol Heth is a good apprentice-- one of the most
talented in his rank. In fact, he has often been compared to
Padawan Kenobi in terms of his Force skills. Which brings me to
another fact that I believe is being overlooked. He referred to
my Padawan as 'Obi-Wan' during their coupling."
I felt as if my stomach had just taken up residence in my
throat. From bad to worse, I thought bitterly.
"Masters, is it so difficult to see that he might have not only
forced himself on Eri-Kol but his own apprentice as well?"
I could feel every member of the Council's eyes on me. I stood
straighter, meeting Yoda's gaze calmly.
"That would be a grave infraction of the Code," Mace said. He
sounded almost sad. "Would you care to respond, Master Jinn?"
I shook my head. "No."
"Very well. You are all dismissed while we discuss the course
of action to be taken."
"What in the name of all Sith Hells are you doing, Qui-Gon?"
I wasn't deep enough into my meditative trance or I would have
been angry at Mace's intrusion. I kept my eyes shut, squeezing
your hand in both of mine. "Trying to heal my apprentice," I
murmured an answer to his question.
"You know that's not what I was asking you about," Mace sounded
exasperated. "What happened during the Naboo mission?"
I didn't answer.
"Qui-Gon, the Council has heard your belief that you might have
been drugged. I am willing to investigate that possibility."
"The rest of the Council is not willing?" I asked.
"There is danger there, my friend. We have just received word
that Palpatine was voted in as Supreme Chancellor this
morning." Mace told me.
My heart sank. "So it is one Jedi's word against the highest
power in the Republic."
"We can't risk it."
I sighed, opening my eyes and studying your still form. After
your emergency the night before you were being artificially
ventilated through a mask. The healers relayed the news to me
sadly that you no longer had spontaneous respiration. It did
not bode well for your prognosis.
"How many Padawans have you had, Mace?" I asked softly.
"Only one-- Keppal. You know that," he replied.
"Did you love Keppal?"
"Of course I loved her, but I never--"
"Of course not," I interrupted, "but I did."
I looked down at your hand which I held. It was small in
comparison to mine with slender white fingers and cleanly
trimmed nails. I traced the contour of a large vein along the
back with my thumb up to the protrusion of your wrist bone.
With the tips of my fingers I could feel your pulse, strong and
true.
"Qui-Gon, Master Tarran has asked for your removal from the
Order," he told me sadly. "I am trying to convince the Council
that a reprimand is all that is needed, but. . ."
"But?" I inquired, studying Mace's dark eyes.
"Obi-Wan will probably be reassigned to a new Master if-- when
he recovers."
"It's all right, Mace. You don't have to coddle me. I know that
he's dying," I whispered.
"I'm sorry," he offered, his hand on my shoulder.
I sighed, turning back to study your face-- or what was visible
with that damned mask on it. You looked incredibly young,
almost like you did in those first months of your
apprenticeship. I wasted so much time back then not telling you
how proud I was of you. Come to think if it, I don't believe I
ever told you in all twelve years exactly how much you meant to
me; how much I trusted you completely. It was rather late to be
realizing this, of course.
"I will give my resignation to the Council this evening," I
told him, my voice remarkably calm. Thank the Force for Jedi
serenity.
"Qui-Gon--"
"I have no life here among the Jedi without Obi-Wan," I
explained simply, "and what I did to Padawan Heth was
inexcusable under any circumstances. It is for the best."
Mace shook his head sadly. "The Order needs Qui-Gon Jinn. This
is unacceptable."
"There is darkness inside me, Mace. Last night it took me over
completely. I did rape that boy and I enjoyed every minute of
it. Force help me, but I did," I told him. "If someone had done
that to Obi-Wan I would accept no less than his removal from
the Temple."
I felt a light breeze against my face as my friend began to
pace nervously. I sat calmly, enjoying the small contact of
holding your hand in mine.
"No Jedi is bound to the Order. You are as free to leave as any
of us," Mace finally said after a short pause. "You will be
missed, my old friend."
"May I make one request of the Council before I go?"
"Yes."
"Make Obi-Wan a Knight. It is all he has ever wanted in his
life." I smiled softly, fingering your Padawan braid. "It was
trial enough having me as a Master. He has earned it."
"I will request it of the Council."
"Thank you, Mace."
It is approaching dawn, and I have spent all night typing the
events of the past month. In less than an hour the transport
ship that the Council procured for me will be taking off from
Coruscant.
I'm not sure yet where I will be going after I reach Alderaan.
I have been to many planets with you on missions, Obi-Wan.
Perhaps I would like to revisit some of those places again and
see how they've changed in twelve years. I know that I would
like to see Bandomeer again, no matter how gray and hostile
that world is. My life changed forever on that planet.
I am satisfied with my decision to leave the Jedi. I've given
my entire life to the Republic's service. As I grow too old to
continue on missions I have two choices open to me: To stay on
Coruscant and teach Initiates or to leave the Order. The
Council has forbidden me to take Anakin, or any other, as my
Padawan learner. Perhaps it is for the best-- I haven't had too
much good fortune in seeing my apprentices knighted.
If you ever regain consciousness to read this please know that
I love you with the better part of my soul. My words aboard the
Naboo starship were not spoken out of the passion of the
moment, but from the very bottom of my heart. You have been
student, friend, and lover to me, and I cherish all three.
May the Force be with you, Knight Kenobi, and know that you
carry my heart.
Qui-Gon
Epilogue:
Jedi Master Qui-Gon Jinn sat at his desk, reading over the
words he had typed one last time. Finally satisfied, he stood
up and took the datapad into the sleeping area of his quarters.
Two sleep couches on opposite sides of the room were the only
furnishings. He tucked the electronic reader underneath the
pillow of the smaller couch.
The big Jedi stood up and breathed out a long breath. His hand
reached into his tunic and stroked the softness of his
Padawan's recently severed braid he had placed in an internal
pocket. A small ghost of a smile graced his lips. He would have
that bit of his past with him forever. It would not be the same
for his lightsaber, he thought as he removed it from his belt
and tossed it onto the same sleep couch.
A glance at the chronometer showed he was already running late.
His transport would be leaving in only a few minutes. Qui-Gon
shrugged on his dark woolen robe and looked once more around
his quarters. He had packed only a few things, only enough to
fit into one small case. Momentos of a life he would soon leave
behind were still scattered about the small rooms.
Qui-Gon walked resolutely to his door and palmed open the
controls. He didn't spare a backward glance as they slid closed
behind him.
Supreme Chancellor Palpatine paced in his posh office.
"I asked specifically for you because I know you have expertise
when it comes to the Jedi. Jinn is no ordinary Jedi, but I'm
sure that won't be a problem. My contacts say there is none
better than Aurra Sing." He smiled.
"You don't want him terminated?"
"No, I want him watched. I want to know where he goes, what he
does, who he talks to. I expect daily reports, no exceptions.
Remember, you're on my payroll now. Do you understand?"
The tall, stately bounty hunter nodded her assent.
As Qui-Gon's transport ship *The Ambassador* made the jump into
lightspeed, a small miracle took place back on Coruscant.
Despite the grim expectations of the Jedi healers, Obi-Wan
Kenobi woke up after four weeks.
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