Warnings: m/m (duh!) Q/O implied, Q/Mace implied, everyone IS
of legal age. Offscreen character death. Numerous sentence
fragments. Tiriel playing fast and loose with verb tense as we
bounce from past to present. Written under the influence of the
worst case of the flu I've had in ages. Blame any errors on the
NyQuill. (But I'm feeling much better now!)
Spoilers: Set post-TPM, read with caution if you haven't seen
TPM, especially read with caution if you have no idea what
happens between TPM and Episode IV. I'm saying "sort of AU"
only because the future is at least partly speculation on my
part, but I haven't made any changes to who the characters are
or what we know happened/will happen to them.
Summary: Mace Windu thinks back on the past and the effects of
choices made.
Feedback: Please! My first story in this fandom, so ANY
feedback, good or bad, appreciated.
Disclaimer: They aren't mine, they all belong to the great and
powerful wizard of Lucasfilm, but oh, what fun they'd have if
they were.
Coruscant. In one of the ancient languages, it means
"sparkling." In the moment of hesitation just before his ship
jumps to light speed, Mace Windu looks back at the planet that
has been his home. An echo of memory runs through his mind.
"'Sparkling,' well, that's certainly apt." Qui-Gon Jinn's smile
is brilliant and warm, even in a decades-old memory. "Where do
you find these little tidbits of yours?"
"You'd know that too, Qui-Gon, if you'd spend more time
studying history."
"Mace, now you sound like Master Yoda. 'To be in the present,
understand the past you must. When a Jedi is one with the Force
past, present, future, all can be seen.'"
Windu smiles at the memory. Mimicking Yoda had always been a
favorite pasttime of young Jedi. Then his face twists in pain.
Was that conversation from before or after their first night
together? He couldn't remember. He did remember why he hadn't
answered Qui-Gon's question, though, where he found the bits of
trivia he so frequently dropped into their conversations. He
hadn't answered because it was part of his secret. The truth
was, he'd searched out information like that for the sole
purpose of seeing Qui-Gon smile. Was the conversation from
before or after their first night together? He couldn't
remember. Odd the things one remembers at a time like this.
He did remember that first night. The sweetness of their first
kiss, their awkward fumblings, the heights they reached with
practice. Practice. "Practicing for when we meet women," they'd
called it, but some of the skills they'd honed on one another
hadn't been ones they'd ever need with a woman. Their lives had
been sheltered in many ways, but by then they did know that
much.
He watched the stars streak by. Hyperspace was interesting that
way-even the stars seem inconstant. What was it Yoda said about
the future? The future...the future. He'd seen the future and
done nothing. True, trying to intervene in the course of future
events was generally considered futile, but he could have
tried. He might have saved Qui-Gon. Why hadn't he told Qui-Gon
about his vision? Why hadn't he tried? In this moment, it
occurs to him for the first time that his decision to remain
silent could have been motivated by jealousy.
His ship jolts out of light-speed, bringing him back to the
present. He punches in the next set of coordinates and leans
back in his chair. One jump down, two to go before reaching his
destination. There were more direct routes, but it was
essential he not be followed or tracked.
Tracked. Sidetracked. What was it? Ah, yes, jealousy. He and
Qui-Gon had been lovers, first during that intense period when
they came of age, then occasionally over the years, until not
long after Obi-Wan had come of age. Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon had
been so clearly in love, lifemates. And after Qui-Gon gently
told him that there would be no more nights of shared release,
Mace had been alone. The fact was, he had only ever loved one
person, and he'd never told him. If Qui-Gon had known or
suspected the feelings Mace had were more than casual, he had
never let on. He'd never told him, and Qui-Gon was dead. He'd
seen Qui-Gon's death, he could have tried to warn him, could
have tried to save him. Many things might have been different
if he had.
The child. It was odd to think of Anakin that way now, but
that's what he had been then. A child. Never ordinary, but a
child no less. Qui-Gon's last words, last thoughts, had been of
the child. He hadn't let go, hadn't accepted death. Everything
Qui-Gon Jinn had been died because of that child. The first of
many Anakin was responsible for. Because Qui-Gon hadn't
accepted death, hadn't let go and moved peacefully into the
next stage of being, there had not been, would not be a
returning for him in this world. That was, perhaps, the worst
part of it. All of Qui-Gon was lost. Obi-Wan was never whole
after that. Perhaps none of them had been.
A sharp pain brought him back to the present. A healing trance.
He should initiate one, but something told him it was already
too late. Even if he could find the focus necessary, he needed
to be awake to make the final course change to get to his
hiding place. If he was tracked to his hiding place, he would
die.
They were all hiding now, from the monster that had once been
Anakin. When Anakin had turned, had become Vader, Sith lord,
Obi-Wan had resigned in shame. What was it he said? He was
right.
"I leave you now. But whatever my failures, know this. Vader
will come after all of us. He and Palpatine will not rest until
every last Jedi is dead. Do not underestimate him." Then he was
gone.
Only Yoda had taken him at his word. Only Yoda knew where
Obi-Wan had hidden Amidala and the children. No one was
supposed to know that there were two of them, twins, but Windu
had sensed it. He also knew that Obi-Wan had given Anakin up
for dead, believed that only Vader remained. Perhaps he was
right. If Qui-Gon had lived, would Anakin have turned?
The Council members had made one concession to the reappearance
of the Sith, at Yoda's insistence. They had all chosen hiding
places, sanctuaries, in the time after Qui-Gon's death. In
their arrogance, they'd believed they would never actually need
them. They'd also never believed, even after Obi-Wan's last
warning, that Vader would dare attack the Council.
He and Yoda had been in a private meeting, discussing the
changing balance of power in the galaxy. They'd lost track of
time, and only become aware that they were late for the Council
meeting when they felt a terrible disturbance in the Force.
Windu had run toward the Council chamber, but Yoda called after
him and he stopped at the doors to the lift.
"Wait! Flee you must. It is too late for them."
"No. You should go. At least one of us has to get out. But I
have to at least try to save the others."
"Because Qui-Gon you did not?" Yoda paused, then sighed. "Go,
then. I hope to see you again. May the Force be with you."
Then the lift doors opened and he was gone. Windu ran, hearing
scream after scream in his mind as the lives of the other
Council members were snuffed out. He had just turned the last
corner when he realized that it was now silent. Too late. They
were all dead. He turned and ran for his ship.
As he ran, grief overcame him. That was probably why he hadn't
seen it coming. A blaster bolt hit his side. Aware now of the
danger, but slowed by his wound, he blocked the second and
third bolts with his lightsaber as he ran towards his ship. By
the time he was within the ship, he had taken four hits, two of
them serious, and deflected dozens. Grateful for the security
measures on his ship that had apparently kept Vader's men out,
he sank into the pilot's chair and lifted off, guns firing.
He'd escaped the system, ironically enough, because of
arrogance on the part of the Sith. Just as the Jedi hadn't
expected a direct assault on the Council, the Sith hadn't
expected any of them to escape. He saw wreckage from only two
small fighters, and found the sudden image of Yoda in a space
battle, expertly blowing the token rear guard out of the sky,
oddly amusing. He'd programmed in the first light-speed jump
and turned to take one last look at Coruscant. So many
beginnings there, and now so many endings.
Bringing "balance to the Force" apparently meant turning the
tables entirely. For a long time, Jedi Knights had brought
peace and justice to the galaxy. Now the influence of the Dark
side was spread just as widely.
"Then there is hope," Jedi Master Mace Windu said aloud, alone
in his ship, "if the Sith could gather power quietly, biding
their time until they were ready to return, perhaps the Jedi
can, too."
With those words spoken, he closed his eyes. He could see again
the lights of Coruscant and he knew with sudden certainty that
even if he'd told Qui-Gon about his vision, it all would have
been the same. Qui-Gon would have still gone to save the Naboo,
still have died. The man he had loved, the man he still loved,
would not have held back, would not have let others risk their
lives or die to save himself. Was he wrong about Qui-Gon's
failure to let go? Is this knowledge a final gift from his
friend? He does not know, but he will. Behind his eyelids, the
lights of Coruscant sparkle one last time as he releases his
pain, releases his guilt, and lets go.
THE END
While reading a novel, the word "coruscant" was used. I looked
it up, and the plot bunny bit.
"coruscant...adj...[Latin...] Sparkling"
-Webster's II New Riverside University Dictionary
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