Sometimes When We Touch
by Triskell (triskell@xpoint.at)
Archive: m-a please, my website
(http://www.user.xpoint.at/e.lebic/default.htm)
Category: hurt/comfort, point of view, romance
Rating: PG-13
Warnings/Spoilers: contains spoilers for TPM
Summary: Obi-Wan's view on the relationship with his master...
Disclaimer: All the characters used here belong to George
Lucas, the creator of the Star Wars Universe - the story itself
is copyrighted by me and must not be used anywhere without my
permission. No copyright infringement is intended.
Author's Note: Tell me what you think!!!
Obi-Wan turned around sleepily, stretching himself. He felt his
master's warm body beside him, and propped himself up on his
elbows to survey the sleeping man. His gaze wandered over the
strong form barely covered by the thin sheets and his lips
curved into a slow smile at the thought of last night.
He still couldn't quite believe it. It all had happened so
quickly. They had been to the reception given by the Bothan
delegation they were currently aiding in their talks with
foreign traders - they had only been able to take their leave
well after midnight, and as the night was warm Qui-Gon had
proposed a meditation session in the gardens before going to
their quarters. Obi-Wan hadn't been surprised - he had been
enticed by the sweet smell of the flowers all round and hadn't
been all that tired.
They had settled down beneath a tree boasting at least a
hundred years of age, closing their eyes, concentrating, tuning
themselves onto the Force. Everything around them had been so
peaceful, the air seemed to stand still, not even the slightest
breeze disturbed their meditation. Obi-Wan had been able to
sense his master's closeness more acutely than ever before, no
other sensations being as strong in the Force in these moments.
He wanted to kiss Qui-Gon so badly - it seemed a little strange
he was only now beginning to think of all the...possibilities -
of what he and the elder Jedi could share.
He'd felt his master's touch more keenly in the past few years
as he not only spent time training with him, but also got to
know him in a deeper, more intimately personal way. This man
had been his family, his father, his mentor and now...he was in
love with him. It was so unreal how his feelings had evolved
into something so grand in such a short period of time. It had
been about two years since he had given in to his desires, to
his love for his master. Never before had he dared to name his
emotions to himself.
It was so hard to hide what he felt. It took such a lot of
discipline and self-control. In a way he supposed that was good
- it helped him to focus, to attune himself with the Force - he
had done his best to keep something from a Jedi who didn't only
have more experience, but also more control of the life-flow.
He could learn from all this, profit even...still there was a
nagging doubt that he needed more than mere self-control, that
he wanted to hold Qui-Gon - to once see more than his master in
him - he knew he wanted to disclose his feelings - that this
was what kept him so unsatisfied.
A sigh escaped his lips, breaking the silence around them,
slicing into the calm and bringing his master's attention to
him.
"What is troubling you, Padawan?"
Qui-Gon's voice was soft, warm. Obi-Wan heard instinctively
that this tone was more that of a concerned friend than that of
a Jedi master addressing his apprentice.
"I...it's..."
Great, now his stammering had really got him in trouble. The
elder man's brow creased. Obi-Wan looked into his eyes, almost
guiltily, hoping his discomfort hadn't been noticed, would be
passed over. But to his dismay this was not the case.
"You have been unusually quiet lately, padawan. If there is
anything bothering you... I would be pleased to help you - if
it's at all possible."
>If I weren't in love with him already, I'd certainly be
now...< Obi-Wan softly shook his head. It seemed as if the
time had come...
He returned his master's steady gaze, pulling back his
shoulders as he spoke the words that would change their
relationship forever, struggling to seem as calm and composed
as ever possible.
"I love you, master. Forgive my...telling you this way - I've
known for some time and..."
He broke off - the utter amazement in Qui-Gon's face didn't
make it any easier to lay his innermost feelings open - he
fastened his eyes on the ground, wishing that he could take
back his words, shivering ever so slightly at the implications
of the silence emanating from his master.
It seemed like an eternity to him till he sensed a reaction,
his master's hand on his shoulder, its warmth caressing his
skin even through the strong fabric of his tunic. He didn't
dare look up, he wasn't ashamed, but anxious, not wanting to
know what Qui-Gon's answer to his confession would be. In fact,
he had to admit, it had been easier than he'd supposed
before...
"We need to talk, Padawan."
He couldn't detect any resentment in his master's amiable tone.
He let his heart hope, fervently hope that he wouldn't lose his
fatherly friend over his own feelings for him. He shivered as
he felt the elder man's hand gently lifting his chin, bringing
his eyes to face him. He was smiling. This was not in itself
such a rare occurrence, yet Obi-Wan knew this smile was
different, it was...special.
He tried desperately not to catch his breath, not to let his
nervousness show. If only he'd kept up his guard - he might yet
pay dearly for the slip in his control.
"You need not fear me, Padawan."
In this moment he realised he was, indeed, more afraid of
Qui-Gon than of what he had said. He had accepted his feelings,
taken them for granted, however only his master could change
the course their relationship would take. Obi-Wan almost
fainted, when he felt his cheek being stroked gently, as he was
drawn into a much anticipated first kiss that filled him with a
complete happiness he had never before been able to imagine.
Touch had been intensified by both of them, when they found
themselves in their quarters, pulling their clothes off, lying
side by side, sharing physical pleasure in a pure union of
love. Though Qui-Gon hadn't actually said he returned Obi-Wan's
feelings... The elder man stirred and turned round - right into
his young apprentice's eager embrace.
"Good morning, mast..."
A soft kiss stopped him, before he could end his sentence. He
felt it - this was love - honest, heartfelt love...
Obi-Wan's relationship with his master had been drawn on other
levels in the next few months - they began to share more than
physical sensations, their mental bond deepened and both of
them had to concede to things they'd never before would have
accepted. Somehow it was good to feel that the apprentice was
winning over the master now and then, setting them on more
equal ground, strengthening their feelings and driving their
relationship further.
A red flash dove through the air, followed by a swirl of black,
a devilish face painted in those same colours masking the man
and making him the prop he was meant to be for the Dark Side.
Obi-Wan wanted to curse so badly...now - in this battle he
realised how little time he'd been spending with Qui-Gon
lately.
This mission - very important to be sure - maybe even more
important than he could yet understand - had cost them many
hours, had made him give in to jealousy for a few brief moments
when HIS master, HIS lover took on Anakin's fate, delivering
his apprentice, saying he was ready to be made a full Jedi
Knight - they should have talked about this decision - but
there hadn't been time. Time was short...their lives had been
caught up in a circle they couldn't break - it were obligations
of their order that had driven them apart step by step. Yet
they loved each other...
Obi-Wan had often wanted to just draw Qui-Gon into their
quarters, squash him against the wall and force him to talk to
him, to share his thoughts with his padawan, if not his lover.
It had all been in vain. Three nights ago they'd last been
together - they'd made love, never asking for a return of their
mutual affection - it had been like nothing had ever changed -
their touch revealed their deepest emotions, offered them the
chance to live their love, to show each other how true it was,
how endless...
If only these blasted energy walls would move... He saw his
master fighting alone, his lover in danger. He felt fear
creeping into his heart. He forced it down - he had to. It
wouldn't do to give in. He needed all the presence of mind he
could muster - when the barrier opened every second would
count. No...he wasn't seeing this, it couldn't...the Sith
pushed back his master and...
"NO!" he screamed, feeling the pain the stabbing red blade left
behind as it thrust itself into Qui-Gon's body. Obi-Wan felt
tears welling up, subduing his senses, his heart broke seeing
his lover slump to the ground followed by a wicked grin on the
devilish mask of his opponent, his last opponent. The barrier
opened. He didn't think, it was no use, the Force took over for
him, his despair worked its way into his movements..."death to
the Sith"...only this kept him alive, kept him focused
enough...
Obi-Wan knelt on the bare, metallic ground, his master's head
heavy in his lap. He'd just died. It hurt, the pain overcame
him, he couldn't control it. He just sat there, cradling his
lover's lifeless form, sobbing uncontrollably. In a flash he
had lost his father, his friend, his mentor, the other half of
his soul. He shivered, trying to pull himself together, not to
give in to his feelings. There would be time later. He still
felt Qui-Gon's last touch on his cheek, burned into his skin, a
sign of his master's love etched into his features for all
times, only visible to him...
Amidala was shaking in his arms. It had happened, he couldn't
make it undone, no matter how much he wished it. Anakin
Skywalker had died - he had been transformed into a Sith, a
Dark Lord. He would be called Darth Vader from now on. He had
abandoned his wife, his unborn children of whose existence he
didn't know yet and would never be told. It was a sad moment
Obi-Wan relived again and again. He wasn't frustrated.
He felt his master's death as strongly as he had the day he
died and now he would feel Anakin's turning just the same way.
Only when he passed himself would the pain lessen. It was so
much part of him he had learned to life with it.
"You had him, Amidala. You were with him, felt his touch -
sometimes a touch holds all the love words can never convey."
He thought of Qui-Gon. He had been searching for someone who
could have taken his place - as a friend. No other lover would
ever give to him what his master had given him - the knowledge
that his fears were taken away in his arms every night, the
softness of his touch in the young padawan's memory a token of
undying affection.
Years had gone by. Qui-Gon still lived in his heart, the
memories would never subside. He gave his lover the strength to
continue, even if he wasn't there. Luke had learned so much.
Now finally was the time to let go...to accept and to rest. All
the fears would be relieved once more in the arms of his lover
when he went to join him in the endlessness of the force.
Obi-Wan turned off his lightsabre, giving Anakin the
opportunity to strike him down. Briefly a vision flashed before
his mind's eye...himself crying out in pain as his master was
killed before his eyes, he saw Luke's expression as he fell...
"Good morning, padawan."
He smiled into his master's soft eyes, relishing his
good-humoured grin. He felt the touch of Qui-Gon's skin soothe
him and all his fears subsided with the touch - he was whole
now in body and spirit.
The End
Sometimes When We Touch
You asked me if I love you
And I choke on my reply -
I'd rather hurt you honestly
Than mislead you with a lie.
And who am I to judge you
And watch you say "Oh do."
I'm only just beginning
To see the real you.
Sometimes when we touch, the honesty's too much
And I have to close my eyes and hide.
I wanna hold you till I die, till we both break down and cry -
I wanna hold you, till the fear in me subsides.
Romance and all its strategy leaves me battling with my pride,
But through all the insecurity some tenderness survives.
I'm just another writer still trapped within my truth
A hesitant price-fighter still trapped within my youth.
Sometimes when we touch, the honesty's too much
And I have to close my eyes and hide.
I wanna hold you till I die, till we both break down and cry -
I wanna hold you, till the fear in me subsides.
At times I'd like to break you and drive you to your knees
At times I'd like to break through and hold you, endlessly.
At times I understand you and I know how hard you try.
I watch my love command you and I've watched love pass you by.
At times I think we're drifters, still searching for a friend,
A brother, or a sister, but then passion flares again.
Sometimes when we touch, the honesty's too much
And I have to close my eyes and hide.
I wanna hold you till I die, till we both break down and cry -
I wanna hold you, till the fear in me subsides.
The song "Sometimes When We Touch" was taken from the WB album
"If We Fall In Love Tonight" by Rod Stewart - No copyright
infringement is intended.
Archive