Archive: MA, definitely, and anywhere else, just mail me
Rating: G
Feedback: I will love it and hug it and call it George. Please
email it right to me, though.
Spoilers: All of TPM
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these people or what happens to
them, and I'm penniless, and don't expect two cents from this
writing. God bless George Lucas.
Notes: I finally went and saw it yesterday, and brought home a
very upset version of Obi-Wan on my shoulder.
Summary: Obi-Wan's thoughts from different bits of TPM
He never hears what I mean, even though I know I'm saying it
more loudly than the words I mouth. Is this Jedi insight, the
ability not to hear your Padawan saying, "I love you"? I say it
all the time, even though the syllables I use are "Yes,
Master." Is it so hard to hear the meaning behind that? He
knows me so well that he must know this, too, but he never
acknowledges it. He just accepts the words and goes on teaching
me. Surely Jedi are allowed to love. Some of the Masters are
pairbonded. Not him, no, but others. My classmates fall in and
out of love daily. I wish sometimes that I could do that, but
he has my heart. It's been his so long that I barely remember
when I started loving him so much. I try not to pine after him.
I'm so lucky that I see him almost every day. It isn't even
hard to hide my desire anymore. It only shows when I tell him I
love him. I can wait for him to hear what I mean. I hope.
* *
The boy is so lonely. Everything he does around my Master says,
"I love you, I need you, take care of me." And it is noticed,
because the child is young and far from his mother. How long
has it been since I saw my mother? How long since I was young
in his eyes? He still looks at me as if I am a little boy with
everything to learn.
The boy will make things harder between us. He is the Chosen
One, or so my Master thinks. "He will restore the balance." Do
we want the balance restored? It is in our favor such that
there have never been more than two Sith in living memory,
while our Order reaches across the Republic. If the balance is
restored, what will that mean for us? An equal Order of Sith
rising from the aether, Dark Masters with their Dark Padawans
to combat us, or the Jedi destroyed until there are only two?
How can either circumstance be good?
* *
He said that I am ready for my trials. But not because I am,
because he needs to train the boy. That is obvious. And the
Council refuses. Am I to be out on my ear, rejected for a boy
whom no one else will have?
* *
This was why I was trained. This battle, with nothing between
me and death but my own blade. I don't like fighting, really,
but if it has a place in the universe, this is it. This duel
between the Light and the Dark, for life or death.
*
No.
*
We should not fight in anger, I remember that now that I have
done it and killed him. I took forbidden revenge. Forgive me.
Do not die, I love you. I cannot tell you so, even now, but
that does not make it false. And you are not concerned with me.
You are only worried about the boy. "Yes, Master." Even though
I have betrayed what you taught me, I cannot deny you. Don't
leave me alone.
* *
But I am alone. There is no one to love, for you are gone,
Master, and you are dead, even though you taught me that there
is no death. I have the boy safe, but what is he to me? He is
the apprentice I never wanted. You would have thrust me from
your life to have him safe by you. Instead, you are thrust from
my life to have him safe by me. None of us are pleased. I must
give him the teachings you would have given him. But I am
afraid of him.
Take an apprentice in perfect love and perfect trust. I did. I
made the vow to take him as my Padawan in perfect love and
perfect trust. But I do not love him, I love you. I am afraid
of him. I wish I had realized sooner that you were not always
right, Master.
You were wrong this time. I know it, the Council knows it, and
the boy knows it. I don't have you anymore, and the Council
does not speak to me. I just have the boy, the burden I
inherited from you. He is stronger than anyone, and I must
train him so that he can break the power of the Order, the
Council, my friends. Me. No one talks to me anymore; they think
me haunted. They are right. They understand more than you did.
I cannot talk to the Council. If they knew what the boy was,
they would not allow him to survive. But they must know. I am
not the wisest man on the planet, any more than you were. I
wish I could tell the whole Order so that they could save me
from this burden, but I cannot, because that would break my vow
to you. You don't know what you did to me.
What should you care of the future of the Jedi? You're dead. A
real Master would never have done this to me. He would never
have wanted me to train my assassin. But you didn't see. I
trusted you with my heart and my future. Were you my Master
when you died? My Master was perfect, infallible, immortal.
Qui-Gon Jinn is dead. I will carry his burden until the burden
destroys me.
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