Archive: Go right ahead, just let me know so my ego can be
sufficiently fattened =)
Rating: PG
Warnings: No sex, sorry. And the O/Q relationship is more
implied than anything. Just see the summary to understand what
I mean.
Spoilers: TPM
Summary: Ten years after TPM, Anakin and Obi-Wan must deal with
their emotional baggage with regards to each other.
Feedback: Sure, if'n ya wanna.
Disclaimer: Anyone who assumes that the following characters
belong to me and not George Lucas has been living under a rock
for the past thirty years and I therefore make no claims to
anything else they might assume I'm doing with this. The rest
of us know the characters ain't mine but since George is taking
his sweet time with Episodes 2 and 3 I'm gonna pinch-hit for
him. So there.
Anakin Skywalker squared his shoulders and remained still as he
listened to the voices rise and fall around him. As always,
what they said did not make him happy.
"By next season, I think the time will be right for you to
begin your studies with me," Kar-Alidar said, glancing at the
other Jedi teachers for support and receiving it in nods and
other gestures. "But not before."
Anakin felt the frustration inside of him but forced it down.
He knew it would do him no good if his emotions showed. The
Jedi Masters never listened to arguments of emotions. He took a
moment to try to clear his head before he responded, doing his
best to keep his voice level as he did. "Why, Masters?" he
asked, his blue eyes meeting each one of his teacher's in turn.
"I have passed the tests, I have the skills -"
"But not the age, young apprentice," Master Saren said,
steepling his hands together as he looked down at Anakin. "You
are too young to begin this stage of your training."
Anakin bristled at this, feeling his teeth grit together. Too
young? It wasn't that long ago that his teachers had taken
pains to remind him of how he had been far too old to train in
the ways of the Force. "Masters, with all respect I am nineteen
years - "
"Which is too young - " Master Saren began but Anakin only
raised his voice and spoke over him in return.
"Which is two years older than Master Obi-Wan when he began
this training! If my Master says I am ready I do not see..."
Anakin's voice trailed off as he saw the looks that were
exchanged between his teachers. A hot flush covered his face
and neck, doubling his humiliation and anger before his
teachers. He felt the world around him fade away as his
teachers continued to speak and confirm his betrayal.
"Obi-Wan has spoken on this matter, young Skywalker. And Master
Yoda agrees with him. You are too young. You will continue your
current course of study for now and will begin your training
with Kar-Alidar next season."
"Yes, Masters," Anakin said, unable to meet any of their eyes
as he bowed and made a hasty exit from the room. The flush
deepened as he raced to the private quarters with his blood
pounding in his ears and drowning out everything except the
thought of his Master's face.
Obi-Wan did not look up when his apprentice burst into the
room. Whatever surprise his Padawan had hoped to gain over him
had been ruined by the disturbance Anakin's anger had made to
everything around him.
"The matter is not open for discussion," Obi-Wan said, knowing
what had caused Anakin's strong emotions. "I have made my
decision."
"Your decision is not fair, Master," Anakin said. He moved so
that Obi-Wan was forced to look at him. Feeling a spark of
irritation himself, Obi-Wan sat back to regard his apprentice.
The boy's agitation was obvious in his face and motions. Though
his eyes never left Obi-Wan's, the rest of Anakin's body was in
constant motion as he paced back and forth, the shadows of the
room flickering over the muscles that were beginning to define
Anakin's maturing form and erase the last of the baby fat from
him. "I am ready. You know I am ready. Why must I be forced to
stay behind?"
Obi-Wan did not back down from the younger man's look. "Perhaps
because you need to learn more patience, my Padawan? Or do you
feel that this is an example of how well you have paid
attention to all of your lessons thus far?"
Anakin's anger was now a palpable presence in the room.
"Perhaps I would have more patience, Master, if I was
allowed to show how well I have learned rather than
having others assume on my behalf!"
Obi-Wan was on his feet in an instant. "Calm yourself,
apprentice, or find yourself in worse trouble than this! Look
at yourself. Is this the behavior of a Jedi? Is this something
I should tell the Council we should be proud of? Your emotions
are so out of control you are disturbing the very Force around
you. Is that the kind of learning that deserves advancement?"
Obi-Wan sat down again, brushing his robes down in quick, sharp
gestures. "Prove to me that you are wise enough and patient
enough and your advancement will continue. Until then be glad I
am letting you stay on the level that you are."
Anakin's eyes flickered but his face had calmed. "Yes, Master,"
he said, his voice low, but not low enough that Obi-Wan could
not hear the anger behind it.
"Go now," Obi-Wan said, waving him away. "Your work is done for
today. I suggest you spend the rest of your time thinking about
what you've learned."
"Of course, Master," Anakin said, giving Obi-Wan a barely
respectful courtesy bow before leaving him alone to thoughts of
his own.
As the door closed behind him Obi-Wan felt the tension drain
from the room but not leave his mind or his shoulders. He
leaned back in his chair, closing his eyes and concentrating on
calming himself.
It isn't fair, Anakin told himself again and again as he
banished himself to his room for the rest of the night. It
wasn't fair and it wasn't right. And he knew his Master knew
it.
Anakin sighed as he thought of his Master. Why must things be
so frustrating with him all of the time? Why had his training
been nothing save fight after fight with Obi-Wan? It seemed to
him that every time he tried to do something Obi-Wan had been
there to shoot it down.
It made no sense.
In the beginning Anakin had tried to do what he could to please
but it had been a failed venture at best. After Qui-Gon's death
they'd both drawn back into themselves. Anakin had felt too
uncertain about his place with the Jedi's to try to push things
with Obi-Wan and Obi-Wan, for his part, had just been quieter
after Qui-Gon had died. Anakin assumed it was grief over the
loss of his Master but now, over a decade later, he wasn't
sure.
Once Anakin had tried to apply for a new Master. Obi-Wan so
clearly disliked him it had seemed the right thing to do. The
Council had destroyed that idea at once. And when Obi-Wan found
out about it their relationship had only gotten colder.
Amazingly, Obi-Wan had seemed surprised. And hurt.
But why?
Not for the first time Anakin missed Qui-Gon. He'd known the
former Jedi Master for such a short time compared to Obi-Wan
but he felt that he knew Qui- Gon better. Qui-Gon had been
kinder, treating Anakin like the son he had never had. Qui-Gon
had picked him out from everyone around him and told him he was
better. Qui-Gon had even tried to save his mother.
Anakin knew for certain that Obi-Wan would not even have
bothered to try to save him.
Anakin sighed again, turning his thoughts away from his
frustrating Master and focusing instead on his latest hobby.
Taking out a set of tools he began work on repairing a droid
he'd found thrown away by the kitchen staff. To them the droid
had been useless garbage, but Anakin knew with just a little
work he could make it even better than it had been before.
"Right about the boy, you were. Ready for further training, he
is not," Yoda's voice came up to Obi- Wan hours later as the
two Jedi Masters came together for a formal dinner. The tension
Obi-Wan had felt earlier had not yet left him. Yoda must have
sensed that.
"But maybe he has a point," Obi-Wan said. "Stunting his growth
will do him no good. He does have the ability, after all."
Obi-Wan grimaced. "He's got that and more besides."
"Ability is not readiness," Yoda said. "Able, he is. Ready, he
is not. Since nine was he able. But able in form is not able in
his mind. Wait, he must. Wait until he is ready."
"He says he's ready now."
Yoda made a dismissive grunt. "Ready, he says. Ready, he
thinks. But know, he does not. Say you he is ready?"
Obi-Wan was quiet for a moment before responding. "No."
Yoda nodded, "Then ready he is not. His Master, you are. Know
you when he is ready. Not before."
"Of course," Obi-Wan said, but in truth he did not feel it.
While it was true that Anakin did have a lot to learn about
patience and not letting his emotions overpower his focus on
the Force, it was not true that Obi-Wan felt that Anakin was
not ready.
At least, not entirely true.
Or at least not entirely sure.
The truth of the matter was that Obi-Wan was certain about
nothing when it came to young Skywalker. Ever since Qui-Gon had
brought the boy into his life back on Tatooine Obi-Wan had felt
uncomfortable around him. First as one of Qui- Gon's strays,
then as his ward, then - and most especially - as his Padawan
while he alone was held responsible for training Anakin as the
"chosen one."
Qui-Gon had been so certain about the boy. His devotion to
Anakin's cause had been obvious as soon as Obi-Wan had heard
about it. And it was for that devotion - and his own devotion
to his Master - that he had agreed to train the boy after
Qui-Gon's death.
But that agreement had not meant that he believed in Qui-Gon's
vision.
That the boy was special was certainly true. And the Council
felt that Anakin was the legend come to life, or at least had
the potential to be. Qui-Gon had been certain of Anakin's
destiny and his words had managed to convince a great deal of
the Council.
But Obi-Wan himself remained uncertain. And Yoda had agreed
with him.
Even before he had officially taken Anakin on as his Padawan
Yoda had come to him and advised caution. Yoda had made it
clear that he disagreed with the Council's decision to train
Anakin and that he would hold Obi-Wan responsible for making
sure Anakin did not stumble or fail in his training. Go slow,
had been his advice. The boy should not be trained at all, but
since that decision could not be unmade the only choice left
was to take each step as slowly as possible to make sure
everything was done right.
Obi-Wan had to admit that much though he wanted to fulfill his
promise to Qui-Gon it had relieved him to have Yoda's support
of his initial misgivings about Anakin. The boy was dangerous.
Had been as a child, was still as a man. Still and perhaps even
moreso. Obi-Wan, for his part, knew that whenever he was around
the boy he felt tense and uncertain. And his memories of
Anakin's affect on Qui-Gon had not helped.
It had not been jealousy as such when Qui-Gon had given him up
for Anakin. Obi-Wan had been hurt, certainly, but mostly
because Qui-Gon had not spoken of it with Obi-Wan first. To
hear of his desire to sever the relationship in front of the
Council had been something of a cold shock. And evidence of how
passionately Qui-Gon had felt about the boy.
It was that passion that Obi-Wan distrusted.
Qui-Gon's passions for things - lost causes especially - had
always been his undoing. And Anakin, the slave boy who had been
taken for granted by his owner then dismissed by the Jedi
Council had been the best lost cause of all. Of course
Qui-Gon's soft heart would attach itself to Anakin at once and
blind him to all else, even the dangers around him.
Secretly, Obi-Wan was certain that if it had not been for
Anakin Qui-Gon would be alive today.
Not that Anakin had lead to Qui-Gon's death. At least, not
directly. But simply that Qui-Gon had become so distracted by
all he had needed to do for Anakin that he had left himself too
weak to defend himself against the Sith Lord who had attacked
him. If Anakin had not been around, perhaps Qui-Gon could have
stopped focusing on the Force's place with the young boy and
instead focused on using the Force within himself during the
attack. If he'd been able to do that, perhaps he'd still be
alive.
Maybe.
And maybe, Obi-Wan thought to himself, if I did not connect the
boy so strongly with my Master I would not react so strongly to
him today.
And that was Obi-Wan's true secret. One he'd trained himself to
hide even from Yoda, as best he could. He knew his emotions
about Anakin were too strong for him to be a true and accurate
judge of the boy's strengths and weaknesses. He'd fallen into
the same trap that Qui-Gon had. Only where Qui-Gon had leapt
without looking, Obi-Wan instead retreated for safe cover. If
he did not act, if he did not push, he would not fail.
Or at least he could tell himself that, and have Yoda's support
in that. The Council had scratched its collective head at him
but trusted him, the apprentice of Qui-Gon, to know what he was
doing.
Which left Anakin stuck right where he was.
Small wonder the boy felt such anger and frustration.
As if sensing Obi-Wan's continued uncertainty about the boy,
Yoda met his eyes and gave him a gesture of support across the
dinner table. Obi-Wan smiled, nodding his gratitude while
secretly glad that Yoda was not fully able to read his
thoughts.
Anakin had just finished his repairs of the droid's motion
stabilizers when Obi-Wan entered his room. He looked up, not
putting his work away. "More lectures, Master?" he asked. He
knew the question was rude, but he also knew his voice was more
tired than it was angry. Hopefully Obi-Wan would see that.
"No, young Padawan," Obi-Wan said, sitting down on his bed as
he regarded him. "You have had enough lectures for today."
Anakin paused. This was not the reaction he had been expecting,
which was especially surprising for him since it was rare that
his connection with the Force did not give him at least some
hint of what was about to happen to him. Rather than being
angry, as he had expected, Obi-Wan instead seemed uncertain.
Anakin could not think of a time when his Master had seemed
that way. Ever.
"Then what may I do for you, Master?" he asked, putting his
tools aside to look up at Obi-Wan better. If Obi-Wan had truly
come to him to talk, Anakin wanted to encourage him as much as
possible.
"What are you doing there?" Obi-Wan asked, nodding at all of
the parts scattered on the floor around them.
"Repairing a droid," Anakin said. He held up the stabilizer
he'd just finished. "I'm about halfway done. I figure with a
few more nights I'll be able to turn it into something good."
Obi-Wan took the stabilizer from him and turned it over in his
hands. "Very nice." He looked down at the parts again. "Turning
it into a research droid, are you?"
Anakin nodded. "The kitchen used it for inventory. With the new
parts I'm making this should be an easy switch."
Obi-Wan nodded, handing the stabilizer back. "I imagine that
would help you out with your studies."
Anakin was taken aback. Had Obi-Wan just smiled at him?
Anakin tried to look closely without drawing attention to
himself. He couldn't be certain, but he was fairly sure that
Obi-Wan had just made a small joke, and not one at his expense
either. Anakin decided to try to joke back. "Yes, I thought
maybe it could. You know research is my biggest weakness. I've
got no patience for it, after all."
Obi-Wan smiled again, this time enough for Anakin to see. He
reached down and picked up another droid part at random and
gazing at it thoughtfully. "You're so much like him, in this,"
he said softly. He spoke more to himself than to Anakin.
"Who, Master?" Anakin asked, unable to help his curiosity.
"Qui-Gon," Obi-Wan replied. He looked at Anakin again. "I see
so much of him in you, sometimes."
Anakin grew still. This was the first time in nearly a decade
that Obi-Wan - or anyone for that matter - had mentioned
Qui-Gon to him. Anakin was almost afraid to speak, finding
himself scared that he would say the wrong thing and end the
moment forever. "Oh?" was all he managed at last.
"Yes," Obi-Wan said. He held up the part for Anakin to see.
"This is just like him. Finding something no one else wants and
making it his own." Obi-Wan looked back at the part again.
"Making it something worthwhile," he said, softly.
For the second time that day, Anakin could hear the pounding of
his pulse. This time, though, it was centered in his chest as
his heart beat became louder. He held his breath, again
terrified he would say the wrong thing. When Obi-Wan showed no
signs of speaking further, though, he decided to chance it.
"Worthwhile, Master?"
"Yes," Obi-Wan said, still lost in his own thoughts.
In a daring impulse, Anakin continued. "Like me, Master?"
"Of course," Obi-Wan said. And when Obi-Wan looked up sharply
and met Anakin's eyes, Anakin knew that Obi-Wan had spoken
without thinking. That the words had been his own true thoughts
and not ones he might have shared otherwise.
Anakin sat up. He was now kneeling at Obi-Wan's feet. "Truly,
Master?"
"Yes," Obi-Wan said. But he drew back as he spoke. And now
Anakin could see the shades of his former Master, of the
Obi-Wan that he knew, the man who regarded him coldly and
without caring.
"Master, please," Anakin said, reaching out a hand to Obi-Wan
but drawing his hand back when he realized he did not know
where he could touch him. Desperately he tried to reach out to
Obi-Wan in some other way. "Do you feel this, truly? That I am
worthwhile?"
Obi-Wan regarded him silently for a painfully long time.
Finally he spoke. "Yes."
A flurry of emotions passed through Anakin. Anger, frustration,
desperation, need, hope... he could not even begin to identify
them all. He gave up, looking at Obi-Wan helplessly. "Then,
Master, why not treat me that way? How have I angered you so
that you would treat me like this?" He gestured to the room
around him, indicating Obi-Wan's earlier punishment of him.
"What have I done wrong?"
Obi-Wan shook his head. He looked as though he did not wish to
speak, but continued anyway. "Nothing, Padawan. You did
nothing."
"Then what can I do, Master?" Anakin asked, pressing his cause.
"Nothing."
"But - "
Obi-Wan silenced him with a gesture of his hand. "No, Padawan.
It is not for you to do."
Anakin let out an explosive breath of frustration as he sat
back on the floor once more. "Why? Why is there never anything
I may do? Everything happens around me or to me and I am never
allowed to decide or have a say or act on my own behalf. Why,
Master? Why?"
"It is not like that, young Padawan," Obi-Wan said. He stood
and came to Anakin's side. He leaned down and took Anakin's
student braid in one hand, rubbing it lightly with his
fingertips as he addressed Anakin by his title. "This is not
something which concerns you."
Anakin met Obi-Wan's eyes. "What concerns you is of concern to
me, my Master. Especially if it is about me." He stood up to
face Obi-Wan better. "I wish to please you, Master. I am your
Padawan. I want to learn, and make you proud. Can you not see
that?"
Obi-Wan regarded him for a moment before responding. "Yes, I
can see that. And you do try, Anakin. I do notice."
Anakin almost felt comically lightheaded from the shock of this
admission. "But then, Master - "
"No," Obi-Wan said. Once again he held up a hand to silence
him, but he brushed Anakin's cheek to do it. "Enough for now,
my Padawan. There is more to discuss than this and the hour is
late. It is past time you were in bed."
No! Anakin wanted to shout. He did not want his Master to leave
the room and end the conversation. Not when he had only just
begun to learn so much.
As though sensing his thoughts, Obi-Wan said "We will speak
more tomorrow, Padawan. Come to me first thing, before your
lessons. We will speak then, I promise."
"Yes, Master," Anakin said, breathing a sigh of relief and
willing at that point to agree to anything if it meant the
Obi-Wan he saw before him would not go away. "I will be there
early."
"Good," Obi-Wan said. He gave him one last smile before he
left.
As Obi-Wan walked back to his quarters he found himself
thinking of his conversation with Anakin over and over.
He'd gone to the boy's room to comfort him. To let him know
that he'd been aware of the unfairness and that he would try to
fix it. What he had ended up with, he was not sure.
Anakin was an unusual boy. Unusual, Obi-Wan thought to himself
with a slight grin, in that he was a man and moreso unusual in
how he thought and acted. For some reason while they had talked
just now Obi-Wan felt he had gotten a glimpse of Anakin
himself. Not the memory of the boy he'd met on Tatooine, nor
the body the filled the role of Obi-Wan's apprentice. Rather,
the young man who was Anakin Skywalker, a grown-up version of
the person Qui-Gon had found ten years ago and felt strongly
enough about that he would literally dedicate the rest of his
life to him.
For the first time, Obi-Wan felt that he could understand why.
Or, instead, could understand the desire to do so if not the
why.
Qui-Gon had wanted to take care of Anakin because he'd felt
fatherly towards the boy, and felt strongly about Anakin's
destiny as the chosen one. Obi-Wan did not feel that. He felt
that Anakin was intelligent, and possessed more charm than was
good for him and a penchant for tender-heartedness that would
undoubtedly prove as fatal to him as it had to Qui-Gon. But,
for the first time, Obi-Wan felt he could appreciate this.
Appreciate, and even like it.
Which, Obi-Wan thought, made his feelings for his apprentice
now a thousand times more dangerous than before.
But, he decided, he would not look back. For ten years he had
pushed the boy aside and Anakin's impatience and anger had been
the only result. This was a far too volatile combination for
someone as powerful with the Force as Anakin was. Nor was it
good for him, who needed to accept his own emotions in order to
further his own strength with the Force.
No, he would not lie to himself any longer. He'd been touched
by Anakin. Perhaps as Qui-Gon had, perhaps in another way. And
he would not deny that to himself or to Anakin any longer.
He could only hope that he had not held back for too long.
*The end - with possible future installments if anyone's
interested. Here's where feedback is your friend. =) *
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