Sex and the Force

by Storm{X}Padmé

series: Star Wars: Out of the force
title: SEX AND THE FORCE
author: Storm{X}Padmé; myself ;)
language: English, but that's not my native language, so please forgive me my mistakes. Betas always welcome! Please contact me at bteena@chello.at
disclaimer: All Star Wars characters belong to George Lucas, LFL and else. Not mine. I’ll give them back, I promise. I’m just borrowing them. I won’t hurt them... Not much, anyway *G*
universe: AU, Star Wars movies and (some, not all) books (OT & PT)
timeline: during ‘Star Wars- Episode IV: A new hope’ and ‘Star Wars- Episode V: The Empire strikes back’
romance: Anakin/Padmé, Anakin/Obi-Wan, Anakin/misc, Qui-Gon/Jocasta Nu, Qui-Gon/Obi-Wan, Qui-Gon/Mace, Qui-Gon/Yoda, Qui-Gon/misc, Obi-Wan/Siri, Palpatine/Vader... In other words, you find two characters in this story who don’t or didn’t ever have any relations, please tell me- it’s a rarity :P
rating: S like silly
summary: What is it Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon would have to talk about when meeting in the living force?
feedback: Will not only be appreciated but also hugged, loved, kissed, petted and called George ;)
thanks to:
- my German Beta Sol who also wrote a paragraph of this story- thanks!
- my readers Ani and Visi
- Minzi, who always gives me EU informationen

'Was about time, Padawan.'

'Nice to see you too, Master.'

'Why do I have trouble believing that?'

'Give me a few minutes to get used to being that. You've had this for 40 years. I died five minutes ago.'

'36 years.'

'Don't bother me with details.'

'Don't make me older than I am, junior.'

'Junior? Ever took a look in the mirror lately?'

'Why, you're a little snappy, Padawan... Too much shore leave on a dune planet?'

'Very funny.'

'Spare me that reproachful stare. It wasn't my idea to fuck up Anakin's training like that.'

'Would you stop mentioning that word while I'm around?'

'Which one? ,Anakin'? Ah, I see... Staying in the exile on Tatooine for 20 years has left its trace... Hey, was that a twitch I just saw?'

'Okay, Master, I may be old but not old enough to have nervous convulsions. Besides, it was 19 years.'

'Don't bother me with details... I'm surprise you could keep track of time that well on that pile of sand... Hey, there it was again!'

'I'm not twitching!'

'You're sweet when you get excited, Padawan...'

'Sweet? Are you just trying to flirt with me, Master?'

'It's lonely here in the Force...'

'Sad story. What makes you think I want to spend my eternity just in your bed?'

'Would you rather stay with Master Yoda? There aren't many Jedi you know in the Living Force, my old pupil. Someone who's always lived celibate shouldn't start having high standards after death.'

'Who said I never had sex???'

'I watched you, remember?'

'Not always.'

'Long enough.'

'I did have woman!'

'Siri doesn't count a woman.'

'Not every Jedi likes to fuck half of temple, like you did!'

'Tell your Padawan. He's had the whole temple. Compared to that, my success list looks like the lifetime work of an eunuch.'

'Anakin? Never! Anakin always lived only for Padmé!'

'You think so? What did you do when he was young? Cleaning the library? Oh, by the way, Madame Nu also had more sex than you...'

'Master!'

'Oh, and Mace also had more sex than you.'

'How can you tell?'

'Nothing of your business.'

'A council member?!?'

'Why did you think the council always was that pissed off about me?'

'And I always thought your sex life was nothing but fantasies of frustrated, needful, desperate housewives who're trying to distinguish in the Holo-Web with Fanfiction...'

'It is.'

'...?'

'Most of it.'

'...!'

'I didn't fuck Shmi. I didn't fuck Master Yoda... I think. And I didn't get to fuck you. What a pity. When you were knighted, I wasn't around anymore.'

'Master!!!'

'You know, Obi-Wan, you're saying this in such an... erotic way...'

'Master, put back on your clothes right away!'

'We're in the Living Force, Padawan. You're only seeing what you want to see. Which leaves the interesting question why you know how I look naked.'

'Well, since you kept me from starting a relationship with Siri... Being a Padawan in puberty, you get to learn some tricks.'

'You were in the puberty? I seem to have missed that. Well, you were about 20, it definitely was about time... By the way, who said you couldn't fuck Siri?'

'What???'

'Jedi aren't allowed to have relationships, Padawan. That doesn't mean, sex is forbidden.'

'Why didn't anybody tell me?'

'You never asked. If you would have stopped admiring my skills for a moment, perhaps you would have had the idea of getting to know all kind of training methods, a Master has to teach his Padawan. Sexual education in theory and in practice if desired is part of it.'

'You and... Dooku???'

'You learn best from the best, Padawan...'

'I think I'm gonna feel sick.'

'By the way, people were starting to place bets on the day when Anakin would finally make it to seduce you.'

'Thank you, Master, thank you VERY much. That's a scene I never even wanted to imagine and that I'll never ever get out of my mind now.'

'You know how long an eternity lasts here, don't you?'

'...'

'Searching for something?'

'A blunt item.'

'I'm already dead, Padawan, so spare yourself the trouble. If you want to try anyway, you can easily create anything you need here...'

'Master, make that bed vanish at once!'

'Still that snappy? Oh, true, I'm supposed to stop mentioning Anakin... I love that twitch, Padawan. Really, Obi-Wan, if the pure possibility of sleeping with your Padawan scares you off that way, we all should be happy Palaptine came between you before Ani had the chance to add you to his success list... Interesting. I didn't know that Force ghosts can turn green.'

'...'

'Was that one of these mental pictures again?'

'...'

'Calm down, Padawan. No matter what your apparently sexual quite unattended mind just imagined, I spoke of a platonic relationship this time. Don't tell me you actually believed this Vader/Sidious rumors...'

'It was you who just described Anakin as a sex machine!'

'Truth hurts, doesn't it, my old pupil?'

'What do you want from me?'

'And I thought that would be clear by now... Now I'm convinced you definitely are a physical and mental virgin...'

'That's my decision.'

'Decision? When you were a Padawan, you had nothing in your mind but impressing me. When you were knighted, you only cared for Anakin's training- and I still don't get it how you could fuck it up that much anyway. And the last 20 years you watched his brat on Tatooine. That's not a decision, it's a lack of option.'

'As much as I'd love to listen to your hidden reproaches, Master, you'll have to excuse me. I have to visit Luke.'

'I'm impressed, my old pupil, you actually learned from your mistakes.'

'...'

'Aren't time travels beautiful, Padawan?'

'Hmpf.'

'Something wrong?'

'I think my Padawan just kissed his sister.'

'Not to start with any more reproaches, but...'

'Yeah, I know, even Luke had more sex than I did!'

'Not yet.'

'How calming.'

'I only wanted to say that you could have told him who his sister is.'

'It's too early for that.'

'Have a better idea?'

'I just sent him to Master Yoda.'

'You know that the little green troll will soon bite it?'

'So I should have told Luke: By the way, I took that lightsabre from your father when I – unfortunately only half – killed him... He's called Darth Vader now, you know, that serial killer helping the Emperor... Oh, and that sweet young woman in that hologram is your sister, you know. We had to split you up and hide you because your mother didn't survive one of these little outburst your father used to have... Oh, and did I mention that I'm the one to blame for all this? Now, can we start with the training?'

'Padawan...'

'What?'

'Come here.'

*sniff* *sob*

'Enough reproaches, Padawan. Master Yoda will train the boy well.'

'As well as Dooku?'

'Better than Anakin.'

'Your sense of tact is amazing.'

'Well there have to be some things I didn't teach you.'

'What would that be?'

'I wouldn't want to say it again.'

'Can't you think of anything but sex???'

'Of course. That's just the hilt of my lightsabre that you feel.'

'Master?'

'Yes, Padawan?'

'I think I'm too old for sex.'