Archive: Yes to M_A, others please ask--I'm easy, I mean,
easy-going.
Category: Humor/Parody, PWP
Rated R for not terribly explicit sex, and a couple naughty
words.
Summary: A master, an apprentice, a beach vacation, and some
advice from a Calamarian.
Feedback: Feed me, Seymour, at lonchura@mailcity.com
Comments: I'm not sure whether to blame the Smirky Padawan Muse
or the Helpful Fish-Girl Padawan for this story. I was given an
interesting first line, and I ran with it. Thanks to Amirin and
Kass for assuring me that yes, this was funny and I should post
it.
"Never have sex on a beach unless you're a Calamarian."
Qui-Gon turned from the fishing net he was mending, surprised
yet again by his padawan. Obi-Wan grinned at his master and
tossed a strand of seaweed toward the net.
"Bant told me that once. We were eating together in a corner of
the dining hall, talking about nothing, and she just said that,
with no warning." The grin widened reminiscently. "I spat out
the juice I was drinking all over her meal."
Qui-Gon raised an eyebrow fractionally. "Even after so many
years together, padawan, your sense of humor sometimes eludes
me." The master turned his attention again to the nearly-mended
fishing net, but that eyebrow was still raised, and the corner
of his mouth was twitching slightly.
"So do Calamarians have sex on the beach?" Qui-Gon said, when
he was sure Obi-Wan must be thinking of something else.
The younger man jumped, scowled momentarily, then flashed his
master another quick grin. "Actually they don't. They have to
mate and spawn in the fresh headwaters of a river. There are
only six or eight places on the whole planet where that's
possible, and they're considered sacred--"
"Obi-Wan, that is more than I ever wanted to know about
Calamarian sexuality."
"It gets better, master."
"No." Qui-Gon got up, the net dangling from his hands, and
strode into the water. Obi-Wan took advantage of the moment to
admire his master, stripped to the waist and turning bronze in
the sun, his plaited hair swinging between his shoulderblades
as he cast the net into the waters with a strong, sweeping
motion that flexed his whole upper body. For the first time he
approved his master's choice of "roughing it" on this empty
little planet for their much-needed vacation, a planet so small
it didn't even have a proper name, only a catalogue designation
of THX-1138. It was quiet and peaceful, no people, no large
predators, and the view was indeed very, very nice.
Qui-Gon stood with hands on hips, poised against the rushing
and retreating of the waves, broadcasting a gentle
fish-come-here message into the Force. I'd come to him, Obi-Wan
thought, studying the minute flexions of the man's sculpted
calves and thighs as he kept his balance against the flow of
the water. Pity I'm not a fish.
It wasn't long before Qui-Gon's efforts paid off, and Obi-Wan
set to building a fire while his master cleaned the fish and
bivalves he had caught. The older man whistled between his
teeth as he worked over the fish with a small curved knife with
a seashell blade. Obi-Wan chewed on a blade of grass from the
dunes behind them.
"Being by the ocean, any ocean, always makes me think of Bant,"
Obi-Wan remarked. The fire was gaining strength, with handfuls
of dune grass and a little encouragement from the Force. "I
haven't seen her in--what, it's been almost a year. We've had
so many missions, and when we were back home, she was off with
her master...."
"You think of the Temple as home?" Qui-Gon interjected. A
typically oblique and apparently tangential question from the
master teacher.
"Yes, I suppose I do." Obi-Wan shifted the grass stem around in
his mouth. Qui-Gon tore his eyes away from the younger man's
mobile lips.
"I suppose I don't." Qui-Gon began threading the raw, cleaned
fish onto improvised wooden skewers. "I'm not sure there's any
place I think of as home."
"You've been on the go for years, master, since before you took
me as apprentice, and we've never spent much time on Coruscant.
I guess it's harder for you to remember being there as a child
than it is for me."
Qui-Gon smoothed away the frown that came with being reminded
of his advanced years. "I wasn't there very often. Yoda was my
master, remember, and we spent much of our time on Dagobah."
Obi-Wan burst out laughing. "Well, I can understand how you
wouldn't think of that swamp as home!"
The younger man got up and headed back up the dunes for more
twigs, brush, and other materials to add to the fire. Qui-Gon
found himself watching the younger man's agile glide, evolved
to match his own longer step, and the hint of firm gluteus
muscle that rounded the loose tunic.... He put away those
thoughts, or tried to, and concentrated on skewering the fish
and not his own hand.
The fire was a bit smoky, even with the added fuel, but that
would probably just help to season the fish. Qui-Gon scratched
at his beard. "You and Bant were never... sexually intimate,
were you?"
That question earned him another raucous laugh from his
padawan. "Oh, Force, no! Apart from the, uh, physiological
problems--" Obi-Wan's eyes twinkled meaningfully-- "we had
no feelings of that sort about one another. More like
sibs, I guess. I've always been able to cry on Bant's shoulder
when some beautiful lover broke my heart--her shoulder's
already damp." He picked up one of the bivalves Qui-Gon had
caught and looked at it quizzically, turning it over in his
hand.
Qui-Gon took the mussel from his padawan, prised it open with
the shell-bladed knife, and slurped it down, raw. Obi-Wan gave
him a horrified expression and moved a few inches away with
exaggerated care.
"And how many beautiful lovers have broken your heart?" Qui-Gon
tried to ask this question lightly, even teasingly, but instead
the younger man frowned at him.
"Has the sun gotten into your head today, master? You're not
usually so... inquisitive, especially about my love life."
Obi-Wan bit his lip as the older man slurped another bivalve.
It was disgusting, but it was... rather erotic at the same
time.
"It's nothing, padawan. We're on vacation, we're relaxed, I
thought we could be... less formal with each other."
"Well, we certainly are that." Obi-Wan poked at the fish,
sizzling on its skewers on a rack over the smoky flames. "You
in your underwear, and me without any--"
Obi-Wan broke off at his master's startled glance. He tugged
down the old and rather outgrown tunic that was all he wore and
wrapped his arms around his knees.
Suddenly Qui-Gon laughed--an unexpectedly large and joyous
sound. His head tipped back, his shoulders shook, his whole
body rocked with the joy of it. "Obi-Wan, let us stop playing
games. We don't have to be diplomatic any more--we're on
vacation, remember? I've been watching you just as you've been
watching me: Haven't you been thinking of making love?"
"Making love?" Obi-Wan winced at the squeak that came out and
cleared his throat. "Here? now?"
"Here and now. With me." Qui-Gon, smiling, put down the knife
and the last emptied shell and wiped his hands on a bit of rag
that once had been a master's sash.
Obi-Wan squirmed a bit and made sure his tunic was pulled down
just another inch or so. "I guess."
"You guess." The master's smile widened. "Let me see if I can
help you clarify the issue."
Qui-Gon's breath smelled fishy and his lips were a bit slippery
with the juice of raw bivalve, but it really didn't matter.
What mattered were the large hands gently cupping Obi-Wan's
face, the brush of mustache and beard, and the warmth of
Qui-Gon's tongue seeking Obi-Wan's and coaxing it to dance. By
the time the kiss was over, Obi-Wan had decided that keeping
the tunic on was really a waste of effort. He stripped it off
and tossed it aside with abandon.
Qui-Gon brushed his fingers down the younger man's chest.
"You're going to burn if you go about naked, you're so fair."
"Not if you're on top of me," Obi-Wan pointed out, and suited
actions to words.
They lay there kissing for a long while, while the fish sizzled
and hissed over the smoky flames. It didn't matter. They were
hungrier for kisses than for fish, all of a sudden. Presently,
however, Obi-Wan came to realize the wisdom of his old friend's
words.
"Master--Qui--" he tore his lips reluctantly away. "We have to
stop."
"Why, my own?" Qui-Gon brushed back the slender padawan braid,
the spiky bangs.
"Because I've got sand up my arse."
Qui-Gon laughed so hard at this that Obi-Wan actually had to
levitate the man off of him with the Force.
They retrieved the fish, put out the fire, and sprinted up over
the dunes to the hut with haste unbecoming a Jedi master and
his padawan, even on vacation. Obi-Wan detoured down to the
water's edge to rinse the sand out of some sensitive areas.
Qui-Gon kept chuckling until Obi-Wan threatened him with the
skewered fish and muttered references to primitive tribes who
decorated their genitalia with piercings.
Somehow the fish got eaten, if not noticed, and then they were
rolling around on the floor of the hut, with layers of bedding
and old clothes between their skin and the reed-strewn dirt,
sharing fish-flavored kisses and taking turns readjusting one
another's position with the help of the Force.
"Obi-Wan, why do you keep rolling us over with levitation so
that you're on top?"
"Because I can't breathe very well when I'm underneath and
you're lying on my chest kissing me."
"I thought you were using me for a sunblock--"
"We're indoors now--"
Kissing evolved into groping, and Obi-Wan considered he got the
better of that deal, since there was a good deal more of his
master to grope than of himself. He made quite a satisfactory
exploration of hair (unbraiding it), chest (kissing it), legs
(tickling them), and penis (stroking it), in all of which
attributes his master's endowments exceeded his own.
"Obi-Wan, hold still!"
And the master flipped the apprentice on his back and pinned
him there, using the Force, while going down on the younger man
and demonstrating his faith in Master Yoda's dictum, "Size
matters not."
Obi-Wan came with a startled shriek and discovering that
orgasms could be intensified by being immobilized, a fact which
he filed away for future reference.
"Bloody hells, you could have warned me you were going to do
that."
Qui-Gon licked his lips smugly. "You'll recover. You're half my
age. And you've gotten over all those broken hearts, so you'll
get over losing an erection."
"I didn't 'lose an erection'. You sucked my brains out
through--"
"Such language," and Qui-Gon smothered any further protests
with a kiss.
"There weren't really that many broken hearts, master," Obi-Wan
confessed, pulling the older man's hair down toward his face.
"Mostly I was complaining to Bant about how much I was in love
with you."
"The soul of discretion," Qui-Gon murmured. "She never let it
slip...."
"Speaking of slipping, just what do you propose to use?"
Qui-Gon held out his hand and then displayed the bottle of
sunscreen which had obligingly leaped into it.
"Are you sure, master?"
"I've read the label. It's quite harmless."
"You probably brought it along with that in mind--lecherous old
man--"
"Obi-Wan, I am shocked, shocked that you should think
such a thing of me." He paused, one finger buried up to the
knuckle in the younger man's body. "How does that feel?"
"Less talk, more sunscreen, master."
Presently they were spooned up neatly together, Obi-Wan's hands
and feet braced against the wall while Qui-Gon made slow, easy
thrusts. Obi-Wan panted and Qui-Gon crooned in his ear.
"Master... Qui-Gon... oh, master...."
"Obi-Wan... my beloved... oh, yes...."
Neither of them noticed that the wattle-and-daub wall of the
hut was shaking in time with Qui-Gon's thrusts--increasingly
intense thrusts that pushed his lighter-weight lover closer and
closer to the wall.
"Oh, Obi-Wan--"
"Master--MASTER!!"
Having the hut collapse around them did not precisely interrupt
their mutual achievement of orgasm, but it didn't enhance the
experience, either. Both men lay still under the broken pieces
of the roof for a little while.
"I am so grateful the Council doesn't require reports of
one's vacation."
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