Dark robes swirling around his feet, Palpatine, also known as
Darth Sidiuos Lord of the Sith, also known as Miss Chantilly,
stormed through the halls of his hidden fortress. His minions
and lackeys scattered at his approach; experience had taught
them to stay out of his way when their Master was in one of his
dark moods , or when Days of Our Lives was preempted by yet
another high speed police chase along the Coruscant freeways.
"Clone Meisters, where are my Clone Meisters?!" he roared,
flinging hapless droids around with the force.
"Hurry up," his trusty sidekick, Weyoun whispered. "The last
time I saw my master this angry, it took a facial AND a bikini
wax to calm him down, and frankly, I don't think I can go
through that again!" Prostrating himself before Sidious, he
proceeded to lick his boots.
With a snarl, Sidious grabbed a handful of Weyoun's bushy black
hair and hauled him up. "We've had this conversation before;
you're not allowed to lick me without asking permission first."
"A thousand pardons, Master. I live only to serve!" Weyoun
squeaked, as he was unceremoniously dropped on his backside.
"Find my Clone Meisters, that Jedi whelp has broken my pet Maul
and I shall require another one!" When the groveling humanoid
didn't move fast enough, Sidious planted a foot upside one of
his misshapen ears. "And iron my pink taffeta ballgown while
you're at it! I have strategies for galactic conquest to map
out!"
Striding into his throne room, Sidious slipped into a pair of
bunny slippers and poured himself a cup of cocoa. Then he
activated a viewscreen which showed a map all known space.
"Soon," he muttered. "Soon my hand shall be felt across the
galaxy and all life shall bow before me, but no one will shall
be allowed to lick me except selected young human men between
the ages of 18 and 24." Images of power, control and
tongue-baths from fair haired men with shapely butts filled his
evil mind and he laughed malevolently.
The Clone Meisters entered and fell to their knees. The elder
of the two reptillian creatures spoke, "We exist to bring you
pleasure. May we lick you?"
"No!" Sidious screamed. "You're butts are not shapely at all
and they have scales on them! Rise scum, and make me another
Darth Maul clone!"
"We have already done so, Master." The elder Clone Meister
rushed to the door and opened it, allowing 4 naked young men
in. "They are exact copies of their genetic original, Obi-Wan
Kenobi. As you can see, we have left the body decorations up to
you. Choose the one you like the most and we shall kill the
other 3 in the most unpleasant manner possible."
"Let's not be so hasty," Sidious purred, batting his eyelashes
at the clones. "Obi-Wan Kenobi's butt is well known as the
shapeliest of all the Jedi. Come my potential young
apprentices, I shall put you to the test and the one of you who
shows the most skill with the dark side of the force will live.
Now to the bathroom!! Weyoun, fetch my Mr. Bubble!"
Meanwhile in the council room of the Jedi temple, Yoda
reflected on the terrible loss of an old friend, while Mace
Windu did his best to comfort the forlorn Obi-Wan Kenobi.
"Are (wump) you (wump) feeling (wump) any (wump, wump) better?"
the stately Jedi panted, sweating coating his well-muscled
ebony body as his hands gripped Obi-Wan's perky, pale ass.
"Not really. Master Qui-Gon's passing has left an empty place
in me that no one else can possibly fill," he sighed miserably.
"Troubled I am by the dark side," Yoda muttered, gazing through
the eyepiece of the video camera. "Move to the left, you should
to achieve better lighting!" Funds were running low and the
sales of Hot Jedi Butt Action 6 needed to exceed all previous
Official Jedi Porn tapes, or someone was actually going to have
to get a real job to pay the bills.
Sitting up and reaching for his pants, Obi-Wan wondered if life
would ever be the same again. His master was dead and he was
now responsible for the training of another. Great was the
responsibility, and he knew that he must not fail.
"And the boy, where is he?" Yoda questioned.
"Oh, I don't know. I told him to go play in traffic. I'm sure
someone will feed him eventually." Obi-Wan shrugged. Bowing
respectfully to his superiors, he turned and left.
Entering his own spartan quarters, he stripped off his clothes
and tossed them on the king sized waterbed, then grabbed the
remote and clicked on the 60" inch big screen tv. Two large
breasted women appeared on the screen, wrestling in lime jello.
"150,000 channels and nothing is on!" he muttered and headed
for the bathroom.
Pausing in front of a 3-way mirror, he studied his reflection
thoughtfully. "My word, my butt IS the shapeliest of all the
Jedi's!" he exclaimed, but then his face fell. "Not that it
matters, since Master Qui-Gon isn't here to appreciate it."
Mournfully, he stepped into the shower and turned on the
pulsating showerhead. "Ohhh, that's nice," he gasped and
lathered his entire body with Yoda's Heavenly Bodywash (tm). So
absorbed was he, that he didn't notice the two very large feet
that stepped into the shower behind him.
"Bend over and saw AHHH!" A beloved voice instructed.
Whirling around in shock, Obi-Wan found himself face to chest
with Qui-Gon. Shrieking with joy, he jumped into his master's
arms.
"Master, (smooch) I saw you die (smooch, lick) How can you be
here now? (nibble, grope) Are you a ghost? (bite, growl)"
"Silly Padawan, examine my magnificent manhood! Have you ever
known a ghost to be so well endowed?" Qui-Gon laughed and
dropped his apprentice on the wet floor. "All I remember is
going down to the Jedi Archives to to view the Ancient Rimming
Tapes of Past Masters and Padawans and then somebody wacked me
on the head. I woke up about 15 minutes ago, tied up and
stuffed in a trash can. Fortunately, the Republic Refuse
Collectors have been on strike for the last 3 weeks, or I would
have been incinerated by now."
"That does explain the smell, Master, but who cares," Obi-Wan
cried throwing his arms around Qui-Gon's legs and burying his
face in his groin.
"This can mean only one thing, Padawan. The Sith Lords are
using clones to achieve their evil purpose. We must inform the
council at once."
"Mmmm mmmmm," Obi-Wan responded, unable to speak since his
mouth was very full.
"Okay, not at once. Maybe in 45 minutes, or so," Qui-Gon
grunted happily.
Back at the fortress of Darth Sidious; the 4 clones and the
evil creature himself splashed in a hot tub.
"Decisions, decisions," he sighed, each of his arms around an
Obi clone, while another shampooed his hair with Qui-Gon Jinn's
Herbal Essence, (guaranteed to make your locks shine like a
Jedi Master, or your money back) (tm). "Which one of you lovely
boys shall I keep and in what inhuman way shall I kill the
other three?" Suddenly, he gasped and began to moan, "Oh my my,
yes,yes, YES! I LIKE BEING A GIRL!" and he slumped against the
side of he tub.
The fourth Obi Clone surfaced from under the water, smiling
wickedly and licking his lips.
"Ladies and gentleman, we have a winner!" Sidious cried. He
took the chosen one by the hand and together they rose and
stepped out of the tub. "Sorry boys, but that's the way it goes
on the dark side. Weyoun," he screamed. "Fetch me my Phallic
Droids! Your deaths shall take days, but it will make Depraved
Sexual Acts of the Sith Lords 27 break all previous records."
The 3 remaining clones clutched each other in terror as an army
of Phallic Droids trundled in, each reciting in a mechanical
voice. "Assume the position, Assume the position. Resistance is
Futile. Assume the position!"
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