Summary: What would have happened if Anakin had become a
permanent canyon decoration?
Disclaimer: I don't own anyone, much less these fine
characters--although I own a couple of action figures of them,
does that count? Probably not. Oh well, I refuse to make any
money off them in any event, so please don't sue me.
Notes: Blame Mac for her roadkill comment. And then blame the
person in a chat who mentioned...well, someone's body part and
how talented it was. And I guess you can blame me for putting
the two together. Oh, and in case you're wondering, Seek is the
little kid who told Anakin "Keep it up Ani and you're gonna be
bug squash." If only he'd been right....
Obi-Wan paced the length of the Naboo cruiser's hallway for the
thousandth time. The soft sound of his boots on the smooth
metal floor seemed to echo in the silence on board. It was
almost as if everyone was holding their breath, waiting for
news on the outcome of the race.
He stopped mid-pace, sensing the presence of his Master.
Sliding a little as he took off, he ran to the ship's hatch in
time to see the shimmering figure of Qui-Gon Jinn appear over a
sand dune.
The queen's handmaiden, Padme, followed close behind. From a
distance, she didn't appear to be very happy. A second later,
R2D2 appeared as well, along with a droid Obi-Wan didn't
recognize. They were flanking an even-more-dejected looking
than usual Jar Jar Binks.
Tapping his foot impatiently, Obi-Wan waited for the odd group
to reach the ship. He wanted off this dustball of a planet, and
soon. The absence of the boy Qui-Gon spoke so highly of,
combined with the atmosphere of doom that hung over the group,
did not bode well for his plans of a hasty departure.
Finally, Qui-Gon reached the open hatch. "Master?" Obi-Wan
asked, hesitant to say anything else once he saw the look on
Qui-Gon's face. When Qui-Gon didn't respond, Obi-Wan ventured
further. "What happened?"
"I'll tell you what happened," Padme snarled and pointed at
Qui-Gon. "He killed my future husband!"
Obi-Wan stared at his master in disbelief, but Qui-Gon's look
of shock was enough to show he felt guilty for something. "It
is true. It is my fault."
"Out of my way, you walking disaster!" Obi-Wan's head snapped
around to see the half-finished droid he hadn't recognized
shove Jar Jar aside, almost knocking him off the ramp, and step
forward. "I hardly see how you can say this is your fault,
Master Jedi. After all, it was this overgrown frog who lost the
wrench in the racer's engine." In case there was any doubt as
to who he meant, the droid jerked a thumb in the direction of
Jar Jar, whose head was now hanging so low he looked like a
wilted flower.
"I don't understand," Obi-Wan said, shaking his head. "What
happened exactly?"
Padme, the unknown droid, R2D2 and Jar Jar all started talking
at once. Obi-Wan held his hands up. "Hold it!" Everyone stopped
and looked at him expectantly. "That's better. First things
first." He turned to the droid. "Who are you?"
"I am C3PO, human cyborg relations, at your service. I was
built by Master Anakin, sir, but since he seems to no longer
require my services--"
Obi-Wan held up a hand, which stopped the droid's prattle.
"Master Anakin?" he asked, turning to his own master. "Who is
that?"
Before Qui-Gon could get the nerve to respond, Padme jumped in.
"He was going to be my husband! But now...." Her lower lip
quivered as she lost her anger, collapsed onto a bench and
started sobbing.
The young Jedi stared at her for a moment before turning back
to Qui-Gon. "Master?"
Qui-Gon sighed. "Anakin was the boy who raced for us today."
"Oh." And Padme thought Qui-Gon had killed him. "Oh. And now
he's..."
"Heesa squished like a bug!" Jar Jar burst out, large tears
falling from his eyes onto R2D2's domed head, causing the droid
to begin squeaking, then finally running into the Gungan to get
him to move out of the way. Jar Jar moved to a corner as far
from everyone else as he could get and sat down with the bill
of his mouth on the ground, trying to show his shame and sorrow
at what had happened.
"So this boy, Anakin, didn't finish the race?"
His master shook his head. "I'm afraid not."
"So your plan failed. And we're stuck here." And he'd be
cleaning sand out of his leggings for the rest of his life.
"I don't see another way out, but I'm sure one will present
itself."
R2 had moved over to the hatch, but now rolled back, beeping
and chirping excitedly. "What is it?" Obi-Wan asked the droid,
moving toward the hatch.
Obi-Wan looked out across the desert to see a small blue
creature flying toward the ship, along with several very large,
very mean-looking creatures. "We've got company."
Qui-Gon joined him at the hatch. "It's Watto."
"What who?"
"Watto. He owned the boy. And now...I'm afraid he owns this
ship as well."
"You killed my future husband and gave away my ship!" Padme
yelled as she advanced on them. "What are you going to do next,
sell me into slavery?"
Privately, Obi-Wan wondered for a second if that was such a bad
idea, but he thought it unwise to voice that opinion.
"Your ship?"
Padme rolled her eyes. "I'm the Queen, you morons! I
thought you'd at least figured that out."
"I knew it!" Obi-Wan shouted, then turned to R2. "Pay up."
"But you're a handmaiden," Qui-Gon said, his brow furrowing
deeply.
She stared at him. "Exactly how do you get to be a Jedi Master?
Please tell me it doesn't involve powers of observation, high
intelligence and lack of ego, or I'll know you faked your way
through the test."
Obi-Wan turned back to the two of them, having pocketed the
bottle R2 had ungraciously held out. "When we're done with the
insults, can someone please tell me what this Watto is exactly,
and how we can deal with him?"
"He's a Troidarian," Qui-Gon explained. "They're immune to mind
control, so we can't use that option. And we have no more
money."
"Surely we have something we can trade?"
"What?" Qui-Gon shook his head. "He owns the ship, he owns the
pod, or what's left of it, and I guess technically he even owns
that droid, since Anakin built it. We have nothing."
Before Padme could launch another tirade, Obi-Wan cut her off.
"We must have something we could use to our advantage. The
Hutts like to have servants; perhaps if we could convince him
to take a droid or two instead."
"A droid or two instead of a ship?" Padme yelled. "Are you
crazy? And besides, they're my droids!"
Obi-Wan gave her a hard look. "Look, Highness, do you
want to be stuck on this rock or do you want to get off of here
and save your planet?" She blinked and sat back down on her
bench without another word.
Everyone turned as Watto buzzed into the ship, followed by his
lumbering companions. He weaved his way through the group, then
returned to his flunkies. "Get off my ship," he ordered with a
wave of his hand.
When it became obvious Qui-Gon wasn't going to do anything,
Obi-Wan jumped in. "Look, Waldo--"
"Watto!"
"My apologies. Watto." Obi-Wan bowed slightly. "We haven't been
introduced. I am Obi-Wan Kenobi."
"How nice for you. Get off my ship."
Obi-Wan took a deep, calming breath. "Very well," he replied
with a heavy sigh. "I was going to offer up our most prized
possession in exchange for just this little ship, but if you
aren't interested...." He turned toward the cockpit.
"Wait. What is this possession?"
"Only something so rare, so special, that a Hutt would pay
through its nostrils for it."
A gleam entered Watto's eyes. "Tell me more about this prize."
"It's almost never found off its indigenous planet, and
therefore extremely rare. But it has unbelievable abilities. I
have it on the best authority that Hutts prize this type above
any other."
"Type of what? You'd better not be putting me on, boy."
Obi-Wan glanced around, then lured Watto over into a corner. "A
slave," he whispered.
"Bah!" Watto frowned. "I already have slaves."
"Not like this." He leaned closer, trying not to notice the
smell too much. "This is a special slave. A pleasure slave.
Born with a natural talent for it." He lowered his voice even
further. "I've heard that Hutts will give their fortunes for
what this slave can do with his tongue."
"Obi-Wan!" Qui-Gon was at his side in a heartbeat, hissing in
his apprentice's. "You are not going to sacrifice yourself to
this junk dealer to save us!"
"Of course not, Master," Obi-Wan rolled his eyes as he
whispered back. "I was talking about Jar Jar."
Qui-Gon blinked. "How would you know about any abilities he'd
have as a pleasure slave?"
"I've been reading up on Gungans, Master." He decided to keep
the information he'd learned on the rate of accidental death to
himself. "I learned a lot about them while you were gone. It's
not like there was much else to do in the middle of the desert
with you shacked up at the Skywalker place."
"I was not--" Qui-Gon shook his head. "We'll talk about that
later. You cannot send this poor creature into slavery."
"Master? You don't look well." Obi-Wan put his hand on the
juncture of Qui-Gon's neck and shoulder. "You look positively
faint. Maybe you should lie down." With a little Force
inducement from his padawan, Qui-Gon fell to the floor.
Obi-Wan glanced over at C3PO. "You, what was your name again?"
"I am C3PO, human--"
"Whatever. My master is not feeling well. Take him back there
to our quarters."
"Yes, sir!" C3PO rushed to grab the Jedi Master's arms and drag
him out of the area, followed by a chirping, if not actually
helpful, R2D2.
Watto buzzed up in front of Obi-Wan. "I have heard of these
Gungans," he said, "but never seen one. One Gungan would set me
up for life with Jabba. You say you have one of these
creatures?"
"He's all yours if you just let us have the parts and be on our
way."
After a moment's thought, Watto spit on his hand and held it
out. They shook, and the deal was done. "We brought the parts,
thinking we'd have to put them in anyway to get this ship out
of here. They're outside."
Obi-Wan did a quick visual check of the parts sitting outside
the hatch, then nodded. "Everything seems to be in order, but I
will come looking for you if I find otherwise." He put his hand
on his lightsaber, in case the threat was not clear enough.
"I am a man of my word, Jedi!" Watto rose a foot in the air
with righteous indignation. "If you can put these parts in this
ship correctly, she will fly."
"Very well, then." Obi-Wan went over to where Jar Jar had
fallen asleep with his mouth still on the floor of the ship.
"Jar Jar Binks."
"Huh...wha?" Jar Jar blinked up at him. "Isn it time for de
food?"
The Jedi nodded. "If you go with these people, they'll take you
back into town and feed you. And they'll put you in the care of
someone who'll make sure you never go hungry again."
"Oh. Okeday!" Jar Jar jumped up, his earlier infractions
forgotten, and smiled at Watto as he followed the blue creature
and his goons down the ramp and away from the ship. Obi-Wan's
smile widened as the Gungan's chatter grew fainter and fainter
until he could no longer hear it.
Padme had watched the entire scene in silence, but now she
approached Obi-Wan. "You are a skilled negotiator, Jedi."
"Thank you," he said with a nod of his head.
"I am glad to have you on our side on this journey."
"It is my privilege, Your Highness."
She smiled and went off, presumably to talk to Panaka or her
stand-in, leaving Obi-Wan alone at last. He sat down on a bench
with a sigh of relief. All problems taken care of, all crises
averted. Well, he still had to deal with Qui-Gon's anger when
he woke, but he could handle that. He fingered the bottle of
oil he'd won from R2D2. A special massage and Qui-Gon would be
no problem at all. He smiled as he stood and strode off to find
Qui-Gon.
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