Thanks: To the beta readers who encouraged me to fix the story
and post (Boots, Cynthia, Thallia, Claudia). All mistakes are
definitely my own since I couldn't resist tweaking.
Summary: Obi-Wan finds that growing up is a little harder than
he thought.
Warnings: If you don't like male-male relationships you are in
the wrong place, otherwise no warnings.
Spoilers: None, pre-TPM.
Disclaimer: The boys belong to George Lucas, I'm just playing
with them.
~ ~ Character internal thoughts
A dense gray fog seemed to fill his head, slowing his thoughts
to a crawl. His stomach had been churning since the end of
yesterday's class, suspecting the truth but hoping for a
miracle. Today was the last session for all of his classes and
in Advanced Comparative Philosophy the instructor, a wizened
green reptilian Master, was shuffling around the room passing
back papers, final exams and grades. As the datapadd with his
dismal results hit his desktop with a dull click, Obi-Wan's
whole world seemed to narrow to the small screen. He groaned
inwardly as he stared at the final comments and scores and
wondered just how he had managed to get himself in this mess.
How could he possibly face his Master now after the promises he
had made and the way he had acted? He remembered all too well
the events of the last few months.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
The familiar comfort of the main Temple library welcomed the
young man back like an old friend. Obi-Wan found a chair at an
empty table and spread out his datapadds. He and his Master had
returned home only two days ago after a long series of almost
back to back missions and the Council had given Master Jinn
some temporary teaching and research duties in order to give
them both some down time and allow his Padawan an opportunity
to attend some mandatory classes. Obi-Wan had completed all of
the prerequisite coursework well ahead of most of his agemates
through earlier seminars, classes and a seemingly endless
series of extension courses which he had worked on during
missions.
Since several old friends had dropped in to visit Qui-Gon this
evening, the apprentice had discreetly left for the library in
order to give his Master a little privacy. After this first day
of classes, Obi-Wan was looking through all of the syllabi to
try to get a better idea of how to organize his work for the
next few months. He had three courses, Advanced Comparative
Philosophy, Level 6 Mathematics and Level 3 Astrophysics. He
whistled silently as he began to calculate the amount of
reading and homework he was going to have; he understood now
why the Temple instructors insisted that some work must be done
in residence. This was going to be an exceptionally challenging
work load trying to take all three courses at once in addition
to his other training. Although most of his own friends were
offplanet on missions, he was also looking forward to the
chance to work with other Padawans on some of the group
assignments and to socialize with others in the Temple.
Obi-Wan's attention was distracted by laughter from a small
group of Padawans at another table. The center of attention was
a smiling young man, tall and muscular, whom Obi-Wan vaguely
remembered seeing around the Temple and in some of his morning
classes. He remembered that the Padawan was a humanoid from
Grenverm, just short of his twenty-first year. The young man's
bright red hair and dark green eyes made an eye-catching
combination with his pale skin and heavily freckled nose. The
group was just breaking up and, instead of following the others
out, the Grenverman came over to Obi-Wan's table and sat down.
"Hi, name's Stravan," the redhead said with a big lopsided
grin. "You're Obi-Wan Kenobi, aren't you? "
"Yes, I'm Obi-Wan. Pleased to meet you, Stravan," Obi-Wan
replied.
"I haven't seen you around the Temple much, Kenobi. You're
Master Jinn's apprentice, right? They say he's always out on
missions."
"Correct on both counts," Obi-Wan smiled back. "The Council
always seems to have a job for my Master. It's not all that
bad, though, we've gotten to see a lot of interesting places."
"I'll bet you have. Look, I saw you in both the philosophy and
astrophysics courses today, so does that mean you're going to
be staying here at the Temple for the whole course?"
"That's what the Council said. They've given my Master some
duties here on Coruscant for a couple of months but even if he
gets called away I'll probably have to stay here until after
final exams."
"That's great." Stravan leaned over and lightly touched Obi-
Wan's arm. "Look, Obi-Wan, I know you haven't been around the
Temple much, and with most of the people in class being a lot
older you probably don't know most of us very well, but the
word is that you're pretty sharp. We've got a small study group
in Astrophysics, you know, getting together two or three times
a week to go over problems and study for tests, and if you're
interested we'd like you to join the group."
Obi-Wan felt flattered by the direct attention and sincere
smile. "I'd like that, Stravan. It has been a while since I've
had a chance to work with others and I've missed that. Just let
me know when you meet and I'll try to be there."
"Wonderful. I know this will work out great," Stravan replied
with a warm smile. He squeezed Obi-Wan's arm just a little
harder, then got up to leave. "I'll let you know when our next
session is."
A small frisson of excitement went through Obi-Wan at the
older Padawan's touch and he found that he was anticipating his
next meeting with his new acquaintance, but the only outward
sign he showed was a small smile and nod as Stravan left.
* * * * * ** * * * * ** * * * * * * *
During that first tenday Obi-Wan began to develop a
comfortable routine. His mornings were full from seventh to
twelfth hour with his academic classes and his Master had
scheduled a variety of physical training for the afternoons,
including sparring with various types of weapons, hand to hand
combat, and a series of new katas to learn. The astrophysics
study group had met twice, starting right after evening meal
for an hour or so to get acquainted and work out study
strategies. Three times he ended up having lunch with Stravan
and his friends and found himself increasingly attracted to the
charming Padawan.
Although he enjoyed being back at the Temple, not everything
was going well for the young Padawan. He found there were
definitely disadvantages to having classmates who were mostly
quite a bit older. Due to his reputation for being personable
and bright, he had received various invitations for study or
recreational activities but they tended to be for later at
night and even for outside the Temple. Unfortunately, he found
himself having to turn down many of the invitations. Although
he was only a few months short of his eighteenth birthday, he
still had the same curfews and restrictions he had had since
his sixteenth birthday. Qui-Gon had been giving his apprentice
more and more responsibility while they were on missions but it
seemed that every time they returned to Coruscant they
unconsciously fell into old familiar patterns of behavior.
Obi-Wan loved his Master dearly in more ways than one and had
been reluctant to bring it up in the press of all the important
work in which they had been engaged, but Qui-Gon's oblivious
assumptions were beginning to be more and more of an irritant.
Math class on eighthday brought yet another instance of what
Obi- Wan was beginning to think of as a very inequitable
situation. "Kenobi, what do you think of all this homework
we've got for the weekend?" said Mreevish, a reptilian Padawan,
as they were gathering their datapadds before leaving the
classroom.
"Master Baaglor certainly believes in quantity," replied
Obi-Wan with a smile. "I think he subscribes to the theory that
repetition is the key to mastery."
"Some of us are going out clubbing tomorrow night as a break
from homework. You want to come along?"
"I don't know. I would need to get permission from my Master
to leave the Temple and be out late."
"Come on Mreev, why are you wasting time on him?" cut in
another Padawan. "You know Kenobi has to be in bed early. He's
not allowed out with the big boys yet." Laughter sounded from
the back of the room.
Obi-Wan flushed as the offhand comment hit a nerve. On two
recent missions the local authorities had decreed that Padawan
Kenobi was too young to participate in the official
deliberations. His Master had been apologetic but adamant that
local customs be observed. Therefore, on one mission the young
man had spent many long days sequestered in his room while on
the other he had been reduced to serving as a babysitter for
royal offspring and had heard too many similar comments from
the large number of older royal progeny who partied nightly
without him.
"That's all right, Mreevish. Thanks for the offer but I think
I'll stay home this first weekend."
The older Padawan shrugged apologetically, a rippling motion
that extended down his entire flexible backbone, and looked at
his other classmates before nodding. "Well, see you around
then."
* * * * * * ** * * * * * * * *
There were no classes on ninth or tenthday so most Padawans
used the time for homework, research or relaxing. The
astrophysics study group had agreed to meet after lunch on
ninthday in one of the many Temple Gardens. It had been a
pleasant day and the group had managed to work through the
entire homework assignment, Obi-Wan contributing many of the
more difficult answers. With an hour left until evening meal,
the Padawans spent the time in a spirited discussion of the
quirks and foibles of various instructors. They went to the
dining hall together, and as they were leaving Stravan asked
Obi-Wan to come back to Stravan's rooms to discuss some
philosophy assignments.
The two young men stepped into the combined living and eating
area together, then Stravan waved in the direction of the couch
as he went to the compact kitchen for drinks.
"This is pretty nice, Stravan. This is all yours?"
"Yes. It's not very big and all of the furniture is of the
generic hand-me-down variety, but it's all mine. My Master let
me move out on my eighteenth birthday," Stravan said from the
kitchen as he rummaged through the cooler. "I think it was one
of those mutually satisfactory situations. Master Jugan spends
a lot of his time working on chemical experiments and
researching mining operations, looking for better ways to find
and use crystals. When I left he got an extra room for his work
and I got to get away from those awful smells he was always
cooking up." Stravan brought cold fruit drinks and snacks over
to the low table in front of the couch where his philosophy
datapadds were lying.
"If you're in separate quarters, do you see much of your
Master during the week?" asked Obi-Wan curiously.
"Actually we really don't need to see each other that much. We
get together to talk about what classes and training sessions I
need to take and he looks at all the progress reports, of
course. Master Jugan is pretty old, though, so I don't take any
of the physical or combat training from him. It's not that big
a deal," he shrugged dismissively. "And about the only kind of
missions we ever go on are to inspect mining or chemical
operations for different groups. We don't get to do the
exciting things like I've heard you get to do."
"A lot of what my Master and I do is actually pretty boring,
lots of meetings really," replied Obi-Wan noncommittally, who
then turned the conversation back to the philosophy readings.
"Have you had a chance to look at those first two books Master
Zhkarn assigned? I didn't know they had philosophers that long
ago!"
The next few hours passed quickly as they got into a spirited
and occasionally humorous discussion of old Jedi philosophers
and some of their ideas. Stravan proved to be adept at skimming
the materials and a quick study at picking up major concepts.
Obi-Wan needed more time to finish the reading but had spent
more time studying the material and had a better grasp of the
details. Eventually they tired of philosophy, though, and
Stravan plied the younger man for details of Obi-Wan's roles in
some of his more exciting missions. After some initial
self-consciousness, since he tended toward a natural reticence
and his Master strongly discouraged bragging, Obi-Wan was happy
to comply.
"Then, of course, it was just a matter of getting the princess
back to the palace and turning the kidnappers over to the local
authorities," said Obi-Wan, finishing a tale about a disrupted
negotiation in which he had played a modest but important role
in finding clues to a stolen princess's location.
"That is wonderful, Obi-Wan. Your Master must be very proud of
the work you do on those missions," said Stravan admiringly.
"Well, I just try to do my part. That's what the training is
for, after all."
"But really, when you look at what you've done and some of the
places you've been, I know a lot of Knights who haven't
done or seen as much as you have."
"A lot of what I do is just supporting my Master. He's done a
lot of very important work for the Council and the Senate."
"I think you are far too modest, Padawan Kenobi," Stravan said
firmly as he moved closer to Obi-Wan. "And I also think you are
a quite remarkable person." Leaning in even closer, he ran one
hand lightly up Obi-Wan's arm, letting it rest on his shoulder,
then lightly kissed Obi-Wan's lips, leaving it to the younger
man to either pull back or continue.
By that time Obi-Wan was feeling very warm and happy from his
companion's stream of interest and compliments and he
enthusiastically returned the kiss, putting one hand behind
Stravan's head to pull him closer.
After a few minutes both young men broke the kiss, breathing
heavily, leaving their arms and hands touching. Finally,
Obi-Wan spoke, "Uh, I've got to get back to my quarters pretty
soon, you know."
"Well, all right, if you have to," Stravan replied quietly,
not willing to push hard at this point.
Obi-Wan stood up and gathered his datapadds. The two young men
walked slowly to the door and stood just inside the door
awkwardly for a moment.
"If you want, I'd like to see you tomorrow after lunch to
finish the rest of the philosophy questions," said Obi-Wan
quietly.
"I'd like that a lot," Stravan replied as he leaned in for
another kiss, tongues barely touching lips, laying down
promises for the future.
They broke apart again, faces flushed and breathing fast. Obi-
Wan said a quick good-bye, then headed swiftly back down the
long corridors to the quarters he shared with his Master,
looking forward with anticipation to getting to know his new
friend much better.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * ** *
The two Padawans leaned against the comforting bulk of the old
tree, almost somnolent in the late afternoon warmth. The
philosophy review finished, their conversation had turned
desultory and was slowly dying. Stravan reached to take the
younger man's hand, slowly raising it to lightly kiss the palm.
"Uh, Stravan ..." Obi-Wan said hesitantly.
"hmmm?"
"I think we need to talk about a few things."
"Sure. What would you like to talk about?" Stravan rubbed his
thumb across the palm of the hand he had captured, a hand which
Obi-Wan was making no effort to pull back.
"Well, I like you, you've been a real friend since I've been
back at the Temple."
"That's good, because I like you a lot. I know you don't care
to talk about yourself, but I know how hard some of the things
you've done are and I think you're quite a man." Obi-Wan didn't
miss the slight emphasis on 'man'.
Flushing a little, Obi-Wan replied, "Thanks, but I don't want
to mislead you about ... what we might have. I don't want to
get involved in anything permanent and I thought you should
know that before we go any further."
"That's all right, and I appreciate the fact that you're being
upfront about it. That's one of the things I like about you,
you're very honest with people. I'm willing to settle for being
friends, but I think we could be very good friends, if you know
what I mean." Stravan moved closer so their shoulders were
touching.
"'Friends' is good, I'd like that," Obi-Wan replied.
Stravan paused to kiss Obi-Wan's hand once more before
continuing cautiously, "Look, I don't want to step on any toes,
but, uh, is it true what they say about you still having a
thing for your Master?"
Now blushing furiously and pushing away to stand up, Obi-Wan
mumbled incoherently about " ... doesn't know ... private ..."
Holding up both hands in mock surrender, Stravan said, "Hey,
it's all right with me, a lot of people think Jinn is pretty
hot, and I just wanted to make sure I didn't step in somewhere
I shouldn't. No hard feelings?"
Obi-Wan looked down indecisively for a moment, then quirked a
half smile. "Sure, I guess I overreacted a little." He snorted
deprecatingly, "It's not like anything's ever going ever to
come of it, he doesn't seem to ever take me very seriously.
Anyway, forget about it, it's not something I like to talk
about."
Stravan scrambled to his feet and held out a hand. "No offense
meant or taken, Obi-Wan. Still friends?"
"Still friends!" Obi-Wan shook Stravan's hand, then pulled him
in for a quick kiss. "I've still got math homework tonight, but
maybe we could get together again to work on philosophy?"
"Of course, and don't forget the astrophysics study group.
Maybe we could even do something next weekend."
"Right. Well, see you in class tomorrow."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * ** *
Obi-Wan yawned, then leaned back in his chair and stretched,
feeling bones pop. He glanced at the library wallchrono, then
began gathering his datapadds. The study session had started
late and was running longer now that their astrophysics
instructor had started giving a full load of homework.
"Time for me to head back," he said to the rest of the study
group.
"Oh, come on, it's not that late and we've still got four more
problems to go over."
Obi-Wan grinned as he stuffed the last of his notes into his
bag, "Hey, gotta be back before curfew, you know."
"You've still got a curfew this early? I don't have to be back
for another two hours," said Leenro, a felinoid Padawan from
the Astrophysics class. He was echoed by several others who had
later curfews.
"I'm sorry, Obi-Wan. I didn't realize that your Master keeps
you on such a short leash, I guess. I haven't had a curfew
since I was seventeen and you know my Master let me have my own
quarters when I turned eighteen," added Stravan.
Obi-Wan was still rather anxious to make a good impression on
his new friend. "My Master gives me a lot of responsibility,
especially when we're on missions," retorted Obi-Wan. "He lets
me have late leave pretty much whenever I ask, too. He just
worries about me keeping up with my classes plus all the other
work we do."
"Yeah, but the point is you have to ask to go
anywhere," interjected Leenro. "My Master trusts me to get my
work done and manage my own time. Sounds to me like he's still
treating you like a junior Padawan."
"Hey, look, it's not that a big a deal to me. I just assumed
that when I turn eighteen in a few months he'll loosen up."
"I think you're dreaming, Kenobi," put in one of the others.
"I've seen the way he treats you in dining hall. He looks at
you like you're hardly there and I heard him the other day
telling one of the other Masters you were going out to study
with your other `little friends'," he snickered.
"Yeah, Kenobi," said Florjhell, an avian Padawan with a bright
yellow crest. "He acts like you're still fifteen or something.
Does he even have a clue what you've really been doing on those
`late leaves' he so graciously grants? I've heard that you're
not exactly 'inexperienced'."
Obi-Wan blushed furiously. "We, uh, don't talk much about
stuff like that."
"I'll bet you never talk about it," said Leenro, waving his
tail airily. "Force, man, half the Temple knows you're still
dying to get his gorgeous ass in bed even though he gave you
the standard brushoff almost two years ago, but I'll bet he
still thinks you're a virgin. Come on, tell us, does he even
have a clue how many Padawans you've screwed since then?"
Obi-Wan felt the blush burning hotter as he stood up and
gathered the remaining shreds of his dignity. "My Master
doesn't pry into my private business," he huffed as he turned
around to leave. The barely muted snickers and whispers of
"Poor little Kenobi" followed him as he forced himself to walk
instead of run out of the library. Worst of all was the look of
pity he saw on Stravan's face as he half rose to follow before
several of the other Padawans claimed his attention and drew
him back.
He was fuming inside as he walked through the Temple back to
the quarters he shared with his Master. Until recently he had
not been on Coruscant long enough to take anything other than
short seminars, and the restrictions on his activities had not
really been an issue. Most of those seminars and now all of his
current classes were with the eighteen to twenty-one year old
Padawans though and he was getting both frustrated and hurt by
the gibes and pity from other Padawans. It was only the second
tenday of the new course term and there had already been
several incidents and behind-his-back comments. Tonight's
incident was particularly humiliating because not only had he
thought the study group members were his friends but it had
happened in front of Stravan. ~I really don't mind a curfew and
my Master being interested in where I'm at. After all, he is
still responsible for me. I just wish he'd see me as what I am
instead of that child who's been hanging off the back of his
cloak all these years. I certainly haven't felt like that boy
in a long time.~
Obi-Wan's even strides through the halls and his neutral
expression belied the growing turmoil inside. ~I'm almost
eighteen, Force take it. I've worked very hard for that man,
done and seen more on missions than half the people in this
Temple, kept silent about my feelings for him even when it hurt
so much I wanted to scream. I'm perfectly capable of being
responsible if he'd ever give me a chance. Other people can see
that, why can't my own Master?~
By the time he reached his doorway Obi-Wan had dredged up
every real or imagined slight in the last six months and had
worked himself into a truly foul fit of temper and self pity.
It was ten minutes past his curfew when he walked in, slammed
his bag down on the table and went to the small kitchen for a
cold drink.
"You're late, Obi-Wan. You know I have asked you before to be
in early on school nights," said Qui-Gon absently from his
place at the terminal, not even looking up from the report he
was writing.
"Yeah, right, whatever," Obi-Wan muttered as he poured juice.
Qui-Gon blinked and looked up, his attention still half on his
report, "Is something wrong, Padawan?"
"Of course not, why would anything be wrong, Master ,"
Obi-Wan drawled sarcastically.
"Padawan, I don't believe I like your tone. If there is a
problem, then let me know so we can resolve it," Qui-Gon
replied mildly as he sat back in his chair, now fully focused
on his apprentice.
"That's just great. Fine, let's have one of those little
Master- Padawan chats so big Master can make everything all
right and pat little Padawan on the head and send him to bed.
Well, I've gotten really fed up with all that."
"Padawan, I don't know what you are talking about but I do
know you will be more respectful in your attitude, young man."
Qui- Gon stood up and watched his apprentice begin pacing.
"Young man, right, that's a really good one, coming from you.
You want to know what the problem is, Master , I'll tell
you what the problem is," said Obi-Wan, his voice beginning to
rise. "I'm tired of the way you've been treating me, always
wanting to know where I've been, what I'm doing, who I'm seeing
and what I'm thinking. Most of my friends laugh at me because
I've had the same curfew since I was sixteen and I practically
can't even take a leak without your permission."
"Now you're being melodramatic. If this is about your curfew,
I'm sure we can make some reasonable adjustments. After all, I
suppose you are getting older, Padawan."
Obi-Wan was practically screaming in frustration. "You just
don't get it at all, do you? This isn't about some stupid
curfew, it's about you and me. I'm good enough to go on
missions, to fight with you, to bleed for you, I work harder
than almost anyone else I know to learn as much as I can and
keep high grades in my classes with hardly an acknowledgement
from you, but when we're here in Temple you still treat me the
same way you've been treating me for years. Everyone knows it
but you, everyone sees it but you."
"You will keep your voice down and a civil tongue in your
head, Padawan," Qui-Gon replied tightly, his voice betraying
his attempt to control his anger as his hands clenched at his
sides.
Obi-Wan stomped over to stand directly in front of his Master.
"When was the last time you really looked at me and saw
me?" he asked hotly. "No matter what I do, no matter how hard I
try, you still treat me like that clumsy little boy who
couldn't find his own dick with two hands. Well, I've got news
for you, old man, while you weren't looking I've been doing a
lot of growing up and I'm tired of the way you treat me and I'm
tired of being taken for granted."
"If you are so grown up, Padawan, then show proper respect and
we will discuss this in a civilized manner," Qui-Gon responded
coldly, still keeping his temper tightly in check.
"Oh, that's the best one yet," Obi-Wan shouted bitterly, his
temper and control now completely lost. "Respect and obedience,
that's what you want, right? Well, how come respect is such a
one way street? You won't see me for what I am and you
certainly don't show any respect for what I am that I can see.
Maybe it's true what they say, if this is how you treated your
last Padawan, maybe it really is your fault he turned if he was
as disgusted with you as I "
Obi-Wan's breath left him explosively as he found himself
Force flung against the wall. Qui-Gon stalked up to him, face
white and mouth set in a tight line. "How dare you," the Master
whispered. "How dare you speak of things you know nothing
about?"
Hot anger was replaced with icy fear as Obi-Wan realized how
far over the line he had gone. "Master, I'm sor -"
Qui-Gon cut him off. "Be silent."
Obi-Wan, still in the Force hold against the wall, tried to
regain his breath and watched in trepidation as his Master
obviously fought to control his anger. Qui-Gon's jaw was
tightly shut, his eyes closed and his hands rapidly clenched
and unclenched. After a few minutes and several deep, slow
breaths, Qui-Gon slowly relaxed and released the Force hold,
allowing Obi- Wan to drop the few inches to the floor.
"We will discuss this tomorrow, Padawan. I don't believe
either of us is in an appropriate frame of mind to have a
productive conversation. Please go to your room and meditate,"
Qui-Gon said quietly.
"Master ..."
Obi-Wan's reply died on his lips as he saw the pain and anger
still pooled in the dark blue eyes. He bowed, grabbed his bag
from the table and slunk silently into his room.
It was a very long and miserable night for the young man. Obi-
Wan's attempts to meditate were spectacularly unsuccessful,
each try turning into a vicious circle of self-recrimination.
At midnight he crept out to use the fresher and saw that the
lights were still on in his Master's room. Regaining the safety
of his own room, he spent a restless night condemning himself
for ten kinds of an idiot, wondering what in the seven hells
had possessed him to lose his temper and say such incredibly
stupid things and which particularly evil god had made him
throw his former apprentice's failure in his Master's face. He
thought about all the times his Master had helped him,
supported him, taught him - Force, the man had almost died
saving his sorry worthless skin on several missions and here he
was, ranting like a lunatic and throwing hurtful words at him.
For a long time there was still an underlying kernel of anger
to his mood but he cringed when he thought of all the terrible
things he had said to his Master; how was he supposed to
convince the man he was growing up when he stomped around like
a petulant little boy and yelled crude and spiteful things at
him.
After berating himself for several hours, he finally admitted
the truth and what he was actually most afraid of; if he
couldn't prove to Qui-Gon that his Padawan was a responsible
adult, he would never be able to get Qui-Gon to take his
feelings seriously. He knew he had long since gotten over the
hero worship and infatuation he had felt for his master when he
was fifteen. After being gently but very firmly rebuffed on his
sixteenth birthday he had never said another word about his
feelings to his Master, but instead of dying a natural death
his feelings had continued to grow. After becoming discreetly
sexually active with a limited number of carefully selected
partners, he had been embarrassed on more than one occasion by
moaning his Master's name when he climaxed. Obi-Wan was a
considerate and kindly young man and he made it clear to
prospective partners that there would be nothing permanent, as
he had done with Stravan. He was also an amiable and
good-natured young man, though, and never wanted for offers of
partners willing to share a short term relationship or teach
him new techniques which he carefully added to the repertoire
he intended to use some day to pleasure his longed-for lover.
Some of his partners even found it rather charming that Obi-Wan
still harbored what they mostly felt was a hopelessly romantic
attachment for his legendary Master.
~I really blew it this time, I guess. Qui-Gon probably thinks
I'm just an incredibly ungrateful, disrespectful jerk. At this
rate I won't be able to get him to take me seriously until
after I'm Knighted. And if I keep making mistakes like this,
it's going to be an awfully long time before I can even think
about being allowed to take my Trials.~
Obi-Wan groaned as he saw the bars of early light splash on
his wall. He thought for a moment about pulling the blankets
over his head and hiding in bed until just before he had to
leave for class but he knew his Master would come in and haul
him out of bed if he didn't show up on his own pretty soon. He
sighed and threw the covers back. He made it to the fresher for
a shower and back to his room without encountering Qui-Gon. As
he was dressing he heard noises out in the common area
indicating his Master was up and about. Obi-Wan checked himself
out in the mirror on the back of his door to ensure he was
fully presentable before venturing out.
~Oh well, may as well get this over with~ he grimaced. ~I'll
be lucky if I'm grounded for anything less than six months. I'm
really, really glad he doesn't believe in using a cane like
some of the other Masters do or I probably wouldn't be sitting
down for weeks.~
Stepping out into the common area, Obi-Wan saw that his Master
was seated at the table sipping a cup of tea. He tried a gentle
probe to find out how mad the man was, but his Master was
tightly shielded. He swallowed hard, then went to kneel beside
Qui-Gon, waiting patiently until his Master decided to
acknowledge his presence.
Qui-Gon finished his cup of tea in silence. Finally, he looked
down and said coolly, "Yes, Padawan?"
Obi-Wan bowed very low and touched his forehead to the floor.
"Master, I would like to apologize for my behavior last night.
I was rude and disrespectful and very much out of line. I would
like to especially apologize for what I said about your other
Padawan. I was totally wrong and I am very, very sorry, Master.
Please, Master, I beg for your forgiveness."
The Master Jedi looked down at his Padawan for several
moments. Obi-Wan felt a brief touch along the training bond and
opened his own shields wide so his Master could see that his
repentance was sincere and how truly miserable he felt about
the whole thing. "Your apology is accepted, Padawan. For the
next ten days your punishment will be two hours a day of
meditations on anger and respect and two hours a day of kitchen
duty. For the twenty days following that, you will assist with
the creche and Initiates for two hours a day. You will also
write a paper of at least twelve pages on the rights and
responsibilities of adulthood."
"Yes, Master. Thank you, Master."
"Please get up and sit at the table. There are things we need
to discuss, Padawan."
"Yes, Master." Obi-Wan quickly got up and sat down at the
table across from his Master, hands folded in his lap and eyes
fixed on the surface of the table. He was surprised and
grateful for the leniency of the punishment and was not about
to say anything that might get him in further trouble.
An uncomfortable silence stretched for several minutes as
Qui-Gon stared at his apprentice and Obi-Wan stared at the
table top.
"Padawan," Qui-Gon finally said quietly.
"Yes, Master?"
"While your manner of presentation was regrettable, you had a
valid point to make last night."
Obi-Wan looked up and blushed. "Master, it's all right, I was
angry and I didn't really mean all that ..."
"No, Obi-Wan, it's not all right. You are almost eighteen,
Padawan. You have been growing up, and, to be honest, I
have not been paying attention as I should have. I apologize
for that oversight. You are quite right that you have acted
very responsibly on our missions and have done excellent work
both on missions and in your training here. Despite that, I now
realize that I have tended to take you for granted when we are
here in Temple. Obviously you have been feeling some
frustration with the situation and I can't say I blame you.
Growing up is difficult enough without having to deal with such
an obtuse Master." Qui-Gon gave a small half-smile.
By now Obi-Wan's ears were burning bright red. "Master,
please, you've been a very good Master, really, everything is
all right, I'm sorry I said those hateful things last night
..." He could feel himself starting to babble.
Qui-Gon held up a hand. "Padawan. You have earned the right to
have more freedom, more control of your own time, and it is my
fault for not realizing this earlier. We have an excellent
opportunity now because we will mostly be in Temple the next
few months while you get caught up on classes and training. I
would like to discuss some basic ground rules with you right
now."
The apprentice stared uncomprehendingly a moment before he
remembered to answer. "Yes, Master." Obi-Wan still wasn't quite
certain about what he was hearing, since this was so totally
unexpected and his focus up to now had been primarily on not
upsetting his Master any further. Could this really be
happening?
"On your current schedule, during the week you have three
classes in the mornings; these are very important because they
are all mandatory classes. In the afternoons you have various
training sessions such as lightsaber and hand to hand. I am
going to remove your current curfew restrictions and on
weekends you may leave the Temple for up to 24 hours without
prior permission. I am not going to check on your activities or
your homework unless you request help or one of your
instructors tells me there is a problem. In return, I expect
you to manage your affairs so that you continue to do well in
all of your classes and training and, of course, conduct
yourself appropriately. I shall judge your success in this
experiment by the results you produce. I also require that we
shall both have a joint calendar on the computer, keep each
other informed of where we expect to be and carry our commlinks
in case one of us needs to find the other for an emergency or a
sudden change of plans such as a new mission. I believe this is
quite reasonable, don't you, Padawan?" Qui-Gon looked at his
bemused apprentice. "Padawan? I asked if you think this is a
reasonable arrangement?"
At this point Obi-Wan was in such a daze he probably would
have agreed that parading naked through the dining hall every
lunchtime was an eminently reasonable trade for dropping the
curfew. He shook himself and looked up at Qui-Gon, noting
absently that his Master's eyes looked as bloodshot as his own
felt after his sleepless night. "Uh, yes, Master, that's, uh,
very reasonable, very reasonable indeed, yes, sir."
Obi-Wan straightened up and did his best to look serious and
responsible as he and his Master finished discussing the ground
rules for their new relationship, nodding gravely in the right
places and asking a few questions to show he was paying
attention. When they were finished, he stood up and bowed,
thanking his Master. If he thought he saw a tinge of sadness in
his Master's answering smile, he kept it to himself as he went
to finish preparing for his day's activities, still not fully
believing in his new status.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
"Hey Kenobi," a voice yelled. "Hey, wait up a minute."
Obi-Wan looked around, then grinned when he saw Stravan's
distinctive red braid bouncing as he trotted over.
"Look, Obi-Wan, I just wanted to apologize for last night. I
hope you weren't bothered by anything those idiots said last
night," said Stravan. "You know how people just sort of talk,
and, well, I was worried because you haven't said a word to
anybody all morning."
"No, I'm fine. I'd really like to talk to you but I've got to
take care of something first. How about if we meet in the
dining hall for lunch in fifteen minutes, say, over by the tall
windows in the back corner?"
"That'll be great. See you there."
Obi-Wan detoured around to the Temple's kitchen staff office.
He found that his Master had already sent a request to the
chief administrator for the extra duty hours but was pleasantly
surprised to find that no particular shift had been requested.
Of course, with his schedule there really weren't very many
realistic choices so he opted for the early morning. He knew he
would probably regret it later when he had to get up before
dawn but at least it would get the work over with before his
first class and he could probably snag some goodies from the
early baking. Feeling a little bit of buzz from this first
evidence that his Master really had cut him loose, he went
through the kitchen to the dining hall to get a lunch tray and
join his friend.
Stravan was already eating by the time Obi-Wan got through the
line. Sliding in beside his friend, Obi-Wan gave him a friendly
poke in the ribs and a big grin.
"Listen, I have had just the most incredible things happen
since I left the library last night," said Obi-Wan excitedly.
"Well, give it up. You've been acting like you were on some
other planet all morning," his friend replied.
Obi-Wan proceeded to tell Stravan at great length about what
an ass he had made of himself the night before and the
incredible news he had gotten from his Master that morning. The
other Padawan made properly appreciative noises at the right
times but hardly got a word in, so excited was Obi-Wan. Before
they knew it lunch was over and it was time to go to their next
training session but they agreed to meet that evening at the
library.
The next month proved to be a taxing introduction to the
delights and hazards of freedom for Obi-Wan. As he had forecast
that first night, all three of his classes were very demanding,
with an especially heavy reading load in his Philosophy class.
His Master gave him no slack at all in their afternoon training
and the extra punishment hours early in the month left him very
little extra time for himself initially. An added distraction
was his growing friendship with Stravan; they continued to see
more and more of each other and had tentatively agreed to join
a group of their friends for a night out to celebrate after
midterm tests in their classes were over. Obi-Wan had never
minded working hard but he was finding that it was sometimes
very easy to lose track of time and he had to start
prioritizing his activities. More and more often it tended to
be sleep and Philosophy, which both he and Stravan had come to
dislike, which ended up low on his list. His Master, however,
was true to his word and never said anything no matter what
time his apprentice came in and did not fuss at him about his
homework. Occasionally Obi-Wan would admit to himself missing
his Master's concerned queries and comforting presence in the
evenings but his long practice in subordinating his feelings
for his Master combined with the continuing stream of positive
attention that Stravan laved on him resulted in those moments
growing fewer and fewer as time went on.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * *
The morning light tickled his eyelids as Obi-Wan slowly
climbed up the chasm of unconsciousness. A long, slow stretch
was followed by a jaw-popping yawn. He glanced at the chrono
and froze in horror. ~Oh Force, the Philosophy test started
five minutes ago~ he groaned as he flung himself out of the bed
and started scrambling for clothes. Stopping only to use the
fresher, he threw on his clothes then trotted through the
hallways toward his classroom, vaguely remembering that he and
Stravan had been studying the previous night. Somehow the study
session had wandered off into other, more pleasant topics, and
the next thing he knew they were kissing and it was well past
midnight. He groaned again to himself as he reached the
classroom and slid into his seat, noting the waiting datapadd
with the test questions. ~I've got to start getting more sleep.
How does Stravan manage this, anyway?~ he thought to himself
with irritation as he noted his friend's chipper appearance.
Obi-Wan's day didn't get much better from that point. He
didn't quite finish the last two questions on his philosophy
test and felt uncomfortable with his answers on several others.
In his math class they got their earlier tests back; although
Obi-Wan himself had done fairly well, the class as a whole did
not, so the instructor assigned much more homework than usual
for the two day weekend. In astrophysics they also got their
midterm test results and Obi-Wan was disgusted with himself
when he found that he had missed three major questions due to
some relatively simple mistakes in math and setting up the
problems. After lunch his basic workouts went fairly well but
he continued to have problems properly executing two new katas
that he had been working on for almost two weeks. He could tell
that his Master was irritated at his lack of progress but it
was not until he flubbed one for the fifth time that Qui-Gon
finally told him to go away, rest and return at twentieth hour.
Obi-Wan started to protest that he still had to put in two
hours with the Initiates that evening but the look on his
Master's face told him that was a fight he had no chance of
winning. In his last night of extra duty, it seemed that he got
all of the whiniest batch of eight year old Initiates to watch
over, and his abruptness with them earned him an extra fifteen
minute lecture from the creche Master on the importance of
patience and being a role model. Of course that made him late
for his Master's training session, and, after two hours of
increasing frustration with Obi-Wan's inability to focus,
Qui-Gon turned away in barely disguised disgust and told him he
would have to forego some of his personal time and come back
tomorrow after lunch. Obi-Wan clamped down on his anger and
merely bowed silently before heading out back to their quarters
for a quick shower and change of clothing.
Obi-Wan was still angry as he strode down the hallways to what
he had recently come to think of as the sanctuary of Stravan's
room. He rang the door chime and entered to find his friend
sprawled on the common room floor amidst jumbled heaps of
Philosophy reading and Astrophysics texts, clad only in a pair
of old leggings. Obi-Wan went to the small kitchen and helped
himself to a cold drink.
Stravan sat up against the battered old couch and raised an
eyebrow quizzically as Obi-Wan came back to the common area and
kicked his boots off viciously into a corner. "You look like
you've had a day from a dark dream, Obi-Wan. Come sit down and
tell me about it."
That was all the invitation Obi-Wan needed as he flung himself
down and began to vent his irritation and anger at the world,
himself and heartless Jedi Masters. His friend sympathetically
agreed with everything and allowed as to how he too had
frequently found Jedi Masters to be cruel bastards, his own not
excluded, whose main purpose in life was clearly the harassment
of innocent Padawans. By the time Obi-Wan's rant started to run
out of steam he found that he had somehow shed his belt, tunic
and undertunic, and Stravan was providing very welcome comfort
by gently massaging the kinks out of his tight back and
shoulder muscles. Obi-Wan had a fleeting regret the strong,
nimble- fingered hands did not belong to someone else before he
gave himself over to simple physical pleasure. They kissed and
petted lazily for a while until Obi-Wan was fully relaxed. He
let Stravan take the lead in divesting both young men of their
remaining clothes and noted with a certain detachment that the
pale muscular body sported large quantities of freckles in a
lot more interesting places than just his friend's nose. That
thought was soon lost as hands and mouths found mutual
satisfaction with two hard cocks and before the night was too
much older both had found pleasure in each other's body for the
first time.
The next morning, Obi-Wan woke to a satisfying soreness in his
ass and a skilled mouth bringing his already hard penis to a
pleasant climax. After he returned the favor, both young men
kissed and touched for a while until other bodily needs drove
them to the fresher. Obi-Wan used Stravan's terminal to access
his own account and let his Master know he would be spending
the morning with Stravan. After masturbating each other in a
satisfying joint shower, the two naked Padawans rummaged in the
kitchen for food, then settled in to work on their Astrophysics
homework. Neither minded that they had gotten in more kissing
than completed problems by the time Obi-Wan's growling stomach
reluctantly prodded them both into getting dressed for a trip
to the dining hall. After lunch, Obi-Wan was still so relaxed
from the night's activities that he had no trouble focusing on
the new katas and, to his Master's surprise, blithely breezed
through both of them in less than an hour. Having met the
required objective, Qui-Gon released his Padawan for the rest
of the weekend with a vague reminder about getting in some
homework as well as pleasure. Obi-Wan grinned and waved on his
way out the door but his mind was so busy anticipating the
pleasures of the coming night out that he was totally oblivious
to the odd look his Master gave him.
After his first day back to class, Obi-Wan was still feeling a
touch of leftover euphoria from the rest of his highly
satisfactory weekend. After a night out with their friends, he
and Stravan had returned to the older Padawan's quarters and
explored more ways to satisfy each other. Stravan had proved to
be a skilled and aggressive lover and Obi-Wan eagerly returned
the passion. They had agreed though, that during the week they
needed to get caught up with their class work, so after
returning from evening meal at the dining hall Obi-Wan was
gathering his materials to go to the library. He heard his
Master call him as he was almost out the door.
"Obi-Wan, please wait a minute. There is something we need to
discuss."
"Yes, Master," Obi-Wan replied as he went to sit the table.
Qui-Gon left his place at the terminal and went to sit across
from his apprentice. He hesitated a moment as if unsure of how
to start. "Obi-Wan, I received a message today from Master
Zhkarn, your Philosophy teacher."
"Yes, Master?" Obi-Wan answered politely, dinner sitting
uneasily in his stomach as he remembered the less than sterling
results he had gotten back on the Philosophy midterm that
morning.
"Master Zhkarn was concerned about your results on the test
and also about your participation in class, particularly given
how good your grades have been in the past. He feels that
perhaps you are not entirely keeping up with the reading and
also asked me to remind you that the paper that is due before
the end of term is an important part of your grade." Qui-Gon
steepled his fingers and looked at his apprentice. "Obviously I
am concerned if you are not doing well, Padawan. Is there a
problem I can help you with?"
"No, Master. I just got a little behind in a few things. I
will take care of it," Obi-Wan replied.
"Are you sure?" Qui-Gon asked anxiously. "I know we agreed
that your time was yours to manage, but we hardly seem to see
each other or talk any more except in your training sessions. I
have to mention that I can't help noticing that you are
spending a lot of your time with your friend Stravan."
"We have two classes together and do a lot of homework
together. Is there something wrong with that?" Obi-Wan snapped
back defensively without thinking.
"No, of course not," said Qui-Gon, appearing a bit taken aback
by the vehemence of the response. "I just want what is best for
you, that is all."
"Yes, Master. I will take care of the homework and the paper.
I apologize that you were inconvenienced by Master Zhkarn. Is
there anything else?" replied the Padawan frostily.
"Obi-Wan, I just ..." Qui-Gon hesitantly responded. His
shoulders slumped a bit as he looked down at the table, then
back at his apprentice before continuing softly, "You know that
you can talk to me anytime and I will do my best to help you."
"Yes, Master," said the Padawan, sitting silently with eyes
straight ahead and jaw set stubbornly as he waited for his
Master to continue.
Finally Qui-Gon sighed dispiritedly. "Thank you, Padawan. That
is all I wanted to talk about. I will trust you to take care of
the situation."
"Yes, Master," Obi-Wan replied. He rose and bowed slightly,
then left for the library, oblivious to the blue eyes that
silently followed his progress out the door.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Sitting in the library, Obi-Wan found that he was having much
more trouble than normal concentrating. After a few hours he
finally gave up and tried to figure out what was bothering him.
He kept replaying the earlier conversation with his Master and
realized that he felt very uncomfortable with the way it had
gone. Normally Obi-Wan kept his love for his Master securely
locked away, taking it out rarely and only in private to
cherish and to dream of future possibilities, but the
relatively minor conflict had jarred him more than he thought.
On the one hand, he loved his Master, but tonight he had felt
like his Master was disrespectful of the terms of their
agreement. Qui-Gon had promised to let him take care of
things himself, Force take it, and then he had to go dragging
Stravan into things. The midterm results were just a minor
setback and he would take care of it. In any event, his
Master didn't have to make it sound like Stravan was causing
problems. Did he?
Still upset, Obi-Wan stopped by Stravan's room on his way back
from the library.
"Hey, Kenobi. I wasn't expecting to see you until study group
tomorrow night," said Stravan when he answered the door. "Come
in."
"I just wanted to stop by for a couple of minutes, if you
don't mind."
"Of course not, you're welcome any time. Come on, sit down
here with me. What's on your mind?"
"Well, tonight I had kind of a disagreement with my Master. He
was asking about the Philosophy midterm results and I thought
he was trying to say I was getting a poor grade because I'm
spending too much time with you. I got kind of defensive and I
feel upset about the way I talked to him."
Stravan moved closer to embrace his friend and held him close,
using one hand to rub his back. "Obi-Wan, it's all right. I
know you love him and all that, but you need to remember he's a
Master. I've been around a lot longer, and I'm telling you they
all have this need to stick their noses into whatever their
Padawan is doing."
"It's just, well, I don't like being at odds with my Master,
but I also feel like he shouldn't have been picking on you."
"Look, he promised to leave you alone, right?"
"Yes, he gave me his word."
"Well then, if you want him to respect you, you've got to
learn to stand up for yourself. Show him you can do fine
without him and make sure he knows that you don't want him
interfering where he said he wouldn't."
"You think so?" asked Obi-Wan rather doubtfully.
"Take my word for it, it's the best way in the long run. If
you're going to be a Knight some day, you've got to learn to be
independent and not let a Master run your life like some of
them want to do," replied Stravan confidently. "My Master and I
stay out of each other's way and life is good." He planted a
hard kiss on the long faced young apprentice, emphasizing his
point with aggressive tongue exploration.
Coming up for air, Obi-Wan sighed and leaned into his friend's
embrace. He felt much better but still not totally at ease.
Sensing his friend's disquiet, Stravan said, "Obi-Wan, I think
you're doing a fine job. You said you're doing well in math and
you've really helped everybody in the astrophysics study group,
that must surely count for something. Maybe we're a little
behind in philosophy but, hey, these are some tough classes.
We'll get caught up, you'll see."
"I guess you're right. I'll just have to work a little
harder."
"You do that, and remember, you've got to stick up for
yourself if you want him to respect you," Stravan replied,
kissing Obi-Wan again. "As long as you're here, though, did you
come up with answers for those last couple of questions on the
philosophy homework?"
* * * * * * * * SECTION THREE * * * * * * * *
For the next several days Obi-Wan worked very hard to get
caught up with homework and reading. His Master was not the
only one disturbed by the midterm results; Obi-Wan himself felt
that his marks were not up to his own standards and he was
mindful of the commitment he had made to his Master. Having
finally finished the last of his extra duty hours, he put the
extra two hours a day to good use in doing reading for
Philosophy.
When the next weekend break arrived, Obi-Wan was satisfied
that his homework was mostly up to date and decided it was time
to get serious about his Philosophy paper. By now he had a
topic, a general outline and several sources but still needed a
lot of work to create a product he would be comfortable turning
in. He had spent most of the week in his own quarters and
noticed that the relations between his Master and himself
seemed to have turned even cooler and touchier since their
post-midterm conversation. They rarely seemed to even meditate
together any more, an event that used to be one of his favorite
during the day since it enabled him to spend quiet, almost
intimate, time alone with his Master. He didn't like the
increasing distance that seemed to be developing but wasn't
sure what to do about it. Qui-Gon seemed to be hesitant to
speak to him about anything except very routine matters and
Obi-Wan found that he seemed to hear interference in every
conversation which caused him to bristle and turn caustic, even
when later he had to admit to himself his Master had not said
anything offensive. Obi-Wan had also missed Stravan, seeing him
only in class and study groups, and was delighted when his
friend invited him to spend the weekend in his rooms, enabling
Obi-Wan to get away from the distressing discomfort of his own
quarters for a while.
Both young men had datapadds, notes and snacks spread all over
Stravan's common room. Obi-Wan felt it had been a productive
ninthday as he yawned into the late afternoon light. Stravan
stretched, grinned wickedly, then stalked over on hands and
knees to pounce on Obi-Wan, holding him down and kissing him
thoroughly. Obi-Wan powered himself up and they rolled around
the floor, wrestling and scattering datapadds everywhere. They
finally ended up on the couch, kissing enthusiastically.
"Obi-Wan, let's go out tonight. I'm tired of being cooped up
all day," murmured Stravan into his friend's ear.
"I don't know, Stravan. I really should do some more work on
this paper, and we've still got those Astrophysics problems."
"We've got all day tomorrow for that stuff. Besides, you know
what they say, all work and no play makes Jeffi a dull Jedi."
Obi-Wan laughed, "I don't know anyone who says that, you
goofus."
Stravan shrugged. "Whatever, it'll do both of us good to get
some fresh air, something nice to eat, you know."
Obi-Wan let himself be talked into going out of the Temple for
a meal. They went walking and stopped for a couple of hours at
a club where several of Stravan's other friends had gathered,
eventually ending up back at Stravan's room, where they
experimented with new positions for sex well into the early
morning.
Lying in bed the next morning, Obi-Wan was casually kissing
his way down Stravan's chest when he suddenly sat up and
smacked his head. "Sith, I forgot to tell my Master I was
leaving the Temple last night. It's a good thing I remembered
to bring my comm link."
"What's the big deal?" asked Stravan. "I thought you said your
Master took your curfew off."
"Well, yes, he did, but we had agreed that we would let each
other know where we were."
"Lighten up, Kenobi, if he had really wanted to find you, he'd
have figured it out eventually."
"It's just that we made a deal and I need to show him I can
live up to what I agreed to ..."
"You know, you can be awfully stuffy sometimes. Masters don't
need to know everything." Stravan then stifled any further
protests with an extended kiss and a firm hand stroking his
friend's cock, taking Obi-Wan's mind off anything other than
what his body was telling him.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Over the next two weeks Obi-Wan managed to keep up with much
of his normal workload, even pleasing his Master by learning
another new complete kata. He wasn't making much headway at all
with his Philosophy paper, though, and most of his reading as
well as sleep were falling behind again as he found himself
drifting back into spending more evenings with Stravan, mostly
at his friend's urging. Obi-Wan thoroughly enjoyed Stravan's
company most of the time and they had great sex together, but
he was starting to get increasingly concerned about his
friend's sometimes cavalier attitude towards academics. They
had already had several minor disagreements when Stravan pushed
him to forego studying for sex.
The post evening meal conversation in the dining hall was
winding down as everyone at the table gathered their trays.
Stravan waved at the rest of their group, then turned to
Obi-Wan.
"I have to stop by and talk to my Master before we can go to
my room. Want to come along?" Stravan asked.
"Sure. I'd like that," Obi-Wan replied.
"All right, just watch out for the smell and loose experiments
when we go in. Chemistry is a big hobby for Master Jugan and
he's almost always got something going on," Stravan cautioned
with a smile.
When they entered the elderly Master's quarters, Obi-Wan fell
into a coughing fit as an acrid odor bit into the back of his
throat. Stravan had headed immediately for the kitchen and
brought out a glass of cold water for his friend, handing it to
him with a flourish and grin.
"This is safe to drink; I make sure there is always bottled
water in the cooler. I wouldn't touch anything he's cooked,
though," said Stravan wryly. He turned away to call out,
"Master, it's Stravan. Are you here, Master?"
Emerging from what would normally be a Padawan's room, Master
Jugan proved to be a short six-fingered Hrurkanian. The
normally bright blue skin had faded to a pale sky blue, with
several of the remaining wisps of white curly hair hanging down
over the inset ears and bushy white eyebrows, and deep lines
around the bright orange eyes. He set the rack of test tubes he
was carrying down on a workbench in the common area.
"Ah, there you are, Padawan." The Master smiled, revealing a
set of small, bright white teeth. "How are you doing?"
"Very well, Master. I would like to introduce you to a friend
of mine. Master, this is Padawan Obi-Wan Kenobi, the young man
I told you about."
Obi-Wan bowed. "Greetings to you, Master Jugan."
The old Master peered at Obi-Wan fuzzily for a moment. "Good
day to you, Padawan Kenobi. Kenobi, hmm, I've heard that name
... ah, yes, you must be Master Jinn's current apprentice,
hmm?"
"Yes, Master Jugan, I have that honor, sir," Obi-Wan replied
with a smile.
"Actually, I was about to offer you my sympathy," said Master
Jugan, waving a hand vaguely. "I've heard about all that
running around to all parts of the galaxy, people shooting at
you, diplomatic functions, no, no, not my sort of thing at
all." He paused and peered distractedly back at Obi-Wan again.
"I saw your Master once, a long time ago it was, the healers
were bringing him off a courier ship as I was getting ready to
board another ship. Very nasty, yes, blood everywhere ..."
"Master, you said you wanted to talk to me," Stravan gently
prodded his Master back on track as Obi-Wan looked on in
puzzlement. Stravan looked at Obi-Wan and shrugged, then
whispered very softly, "Sometimes he wanders a little."
"Ah, yes," said Master Jugan as he smiled and turned to his
apprentice. "As soon as your current classes are finished we
are going to Dojanov for a few months. They have some crystal
mines which are petering out and they want me to look at them."
He turned to Obi-Wan, "Not as exciting as what you are used to,
I expect, but quite a treat for us." The Master's eyes lit up
as he turned to his own apprentice, "Yes, indeed, Stravan, it
will be a perfect opportunity to try out my new Force-enhanced
techniques to see if we can find some new crystal veins. The
Council will be so pleased if we can find a way to get more use
out of some of these older mines."
"Yes, Master, that would be very nice," Stravan replied. The
two apprentices listened politely as the old Master prattled on
delightedly for another ten minutes.
Master Jugan finally turned to Obi-Wan, "Oh dear, where are my
manners? I've been rattling on about the project, haven't said
a word about my poor Padawan, he is so helpful you know, just
so good with people and taking care of details, and here I
haven't even offered either of you anything to eat ..."
"That's all right, Master, we just came from the dining hall,"
Stravan hastily interjected. "And I'll start working on our
trip scheduling when we get a few more details. Was there
anything else you wanted, Master?"
"I'm sure there was something else, let me think a moment,"
said Master Jugan as he screwed up his eyes and ran a hand
through the remnants of his hair. "Ah, yes, I know what it was.
We should have talked a few weeks ago but I must have misplaced
them, I think."
"Misplaced what, Master?" inquired Stravan.
"Oh, your midterm comments, of course," he replied. "As usual,
you are passing all of your courses." He smiled fondly as he
reached up and patted Stravan's shoulder. "My Padawan is quite
bright, you know, very good at these things, and keeps up with
all of his physical training, too," he beamed at Obi-Wan.
"Thank you, Master, you are too kind," Stravan said.
"There was something, though, it was one of the comments, let
me just find the datapadd," Master Jugan muttered as he dug
through a pile of datapadds, boxes, packets of chemicals and
other miscellaneous items. Finally finding what he wanted, he
held up a datapadd and peered at it. "Here we go, yes, it was
from your Philosophy instructor, he said you are passing the
class but he has some rather disparaging comments about
'superficiality'. Are you having any sort of problems in the
class, Padawan?"
"Not as far as I know, Master. It is a difficult class,
lots of reading, but I passed the midterm and I've turned in
all of the assigned topics so far," Stravan replied.
"Oh well, I suppose I wouldn't worry about it too much then.
I've met Master Zhkarn at a lot of committee meetings and he
seldom seems to have anything nice to say. Yes, very unpleasant
old lizard, indeed he is, but I suppose he must be a competent
instructor. He's been teaching philosophy classes for as long
as I can remember, you know."
"Yes, Master. Is there anything else?"
"No, that was all. I will let you know when I get more
information on our trip. A pleasure to have met you, Padawan
Kenobi."
"Thank you, Master," said Stravan and bowed.
"A pleasure to have met you also, Master Jugan," said Obi-Wan
as he too bowed and then followed Stravan to the door.
As the two Padawans walked down the corridor, Stravan said, "I
hope you didn't mind what Master Jugan said about your Master.
He didn't mean anything offensive, it's just that he's always
thought the Jedi should be more, well, peaceful, I guess. He
believes the Jedi should be more involved in things like fixing
environmental problems or helping people develop clean
agricultural or mining resources rather than running around
getting involved in diplomatic 'interventions', as he calls
them." Stravan grinned, "Of course, he's getting rather old and
tends to say pretty much whatever comes to mind, too."
"I noticed," replied Obi-Wan dryly. "It's all right, I think I
was surprised more than bothered. Master Jugan seems nice
enough, just a little odd."
"Well, that's one way to put it," Stravan laughed.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
A few hours later the two Padawans were quietly working in
Stravan's room. Obi-Wan was lying stomach down on the floor of
the common area; having finished his math problems, he was now
looking up some answers for a philosophy study topic. Stravan,
draped across the couch, put his datapadd down and stretched.
Sliding down from the couch, he crawled over to Obi-Wan,
straddled his hips and began gently massaging his friend's
shoulders.
"You're awfully tight, Kenobi. I think it's time for a break.
Let me get rid of some of those knots in your back," said
Stravan quietly.
Obi-Wan laid his head down on the floor and relaxed. "Ummm,
that does feel good. Thanks. I think my back is still tight
from the afternoon training workout." He turned his head to
look back at Stravan. "We need to make it a short break,
though, there's still a lot of work left tonight."
"Actually, I had something a little more pleasant in mind for
the rest of the evening," murmured Stravan as his strong hands
continued to knead Obi-Wan's shoulders.
Obi-Wan tried to heave himself up and throw Stravan off but
only succeeded in twisting around, ending up pinned on his
back, the heavier apprentice lying on top of him.
"Stravan, Sith take it, we've talked about this before,"
Obi-Wan panted. He took a few deep breaths before continuing.
"It's only twentieth hour, we could get in at least two or
three more hours of work tonight and still get a decent night's
sleep."
"Look, Kenobi, do you have an answer to turn in for all of the
questions that are due tomorrow for all of your classes?" asked
Stravan, not moving at all from his position atop the smaller
man.
"Yes, I have an answer for every question, but I prefer
to have a good answer and learn more about the topic,
and you know there's always a lot of reading to work on."
"If you have an answer that you think is correct, then it
is a good answer, Kenobi. Your problem is that you're
always trying to come up with a better answer or the best
answer and you waste a lot of time that could be spent doing
more interesting things."
"I don't consider it wasted time. I believe that you
should try to do the best you can and learn as much as you can.
I intend to be a Jedi Knight one of these days, a good one, and
I don't understand how you think you're going to be a Knight
without working at it," Obi-Wan said, making another futile
attempt to escape.
After Obi-Wan stopped wiggling, Stravan sighed and rolled off,
sitting cross-legged next to his friend. "You just don't get
it, Obi-Wan Kenobi. I've lived in the Temple since I was two
years old and I've seen an awful lot of what goes on here. I do
appreciate being a Jedi, having this connection with the Force,
it's wonderful. But I'm also a pragmatist. If you look around,
really look, what you'll see is that there are a lot of beings
in the Jedi Order, from babies in the creche through the oldest
masters, and they're all different. Some are superstars, some
wash out, but most of them fall somewhere in the middle. Your
master falls in the superstar category and my master falls in
the big middle, probably the lowest middle, to be honest."
Stravan raised his hand as Obi-Wan started to interrupt. "Wait,
here me out. The way I see things, the lucky ones among us get
to be a Padawan and you've got a lot of years where you're just
learning things and nobody really expects great things from
you. Most Padawans become Knights, and, from what I've seen,
Knights do the heavy carrying in terms of spending most of
their time out working, doing the grunt work for the Order
without much of a break. If you can turn a Padawan into a
Knight, or you get to be really really good at some special
skill, wonderful, you get to become a Master and you still work
hard for the most part. Now then, Padawan Kenobi, you've been
around a while too, so answer this for me about our classes.
How many people in any given class are going to get a high
pass?"
Obi-Wan thought for a second, "Well, up to about ten to
fifteen percent, depending on the class and instructor."
"And how many usually get a pass?"
"At least half or more, almost the entire class in a lot of
cases. Again, it depends on the class and instructor."
"And what is the percentage of Padawans who become Knights?"
"I don't know exactly, but it seems to be well over half."
"Sooooo, if only a few people get high passes in academics but
most Padawans become Knights, it must follow that most Knights
got passes when they were Padawans, right? Although I'll admit
it was close in a couple of cases, I have managed to get a pass
or better in every class I've ever taken and I'm on track with
most of my agemates for both academic and physical training.
Therefore, it appears to me that my chances of eventually
becoming a Knight are actually rather good."
Obi-Wan gave a sigh of frustration. "That's not the point,
Stravan. You're intelligent, you learn a lot of the material
even faster than I do. You could be so much better than you
are, you could be a really good Knight, but you don't seem to
want to try. I just don't understand why you won't use the
talents you've got."
Stravan leaned back, propping himself on his long arms. "Let
me put it another way. As I said earlier, when you become a
Knight you have to start working and that's what you do for the
rest of your life as a Jedi. As long as I'm a Padawan, I can
work reasonably hard but I can still have fun. I do put
in enough work to keep up with every class and all of my other
training, but I also believe in making time for myself." He
paused for a moment, then continued, "Let me ask you another
question. You met my Master today and I will readily admit he's
not in the superstar category, in fact he'd probably tell you
that himself. But, and this is an important point, he has found
himself a niche in the Jedi in which he can contribute
something and he is happy with his life. The Council
must think he is all right, also, because I'm the fifth Padawan
they let him take, and my four predecessors all became Knights
even though there was not a superstar in the whole lot. Now,
can you honestly tell me that your master is happier with his
life, that he enjoys himself more, than Master Jugan? I didn't
ask about the relative value of their contribution, just which
one is happier with their current life."
Obi-Wan drew breath to respond, but then had to stop and think
for a minute. "I've never really thought about whether or not
my Master is happy with his life; I suppose I just assumed he
is. So no, I can't say Master Jinn is happier with his life
than Master Jugan. But that's not my point. You're
bright enough that you could be very good, you could make more
of a contribution if you wanted to, and there is more to life
as a Jedi than being happy."
"And you're still missing my point. I don't have any ambitions
to be a superstar and I like being happy. While I'm a Padawan
my intention is to keep up with the work but have some fun in
life, because when I become a Knight I won't have time for
nearly as much fun. I intend to be a good Knight, and I will
find a way to contribute, but I believe that I can do better
work if I'm not miserable. I want to be happy with who I am,
with what I am, and I don't need to be better than everyone
else to be happy with who I am and the life I've chosen."
"Stravan, as much as I like you, I don't think we are ever
going to agree."
"Can we at least agree that there are different kinds
of people and different kinds of Jedi?"
"Of course. I just think you could be a much better Jedi than
most."
"I know that you will be a better Jedi than most, but I'm
happy with the kind of Jedi I am, and you don't really have
much chance of changing me into some other kind of Jedi. How
about if we leave it at that for now?"
Obi-Wan sat up and shook his head. "Well, I suppose that's all
right for now. But I won't promise not to try to keep changing
you in the future, and I still have more work I need to do
tonight."
Stravan grinned. "Wonderful, and I don't mind if you keep
trying to change me." He leaned forward and put on his best
puppy dog look. "For tonight, can we compromise? I'll help you
go over the philosophy answers for the next hour if you'll play
for an hour. I've got this new lube I'm dying to try out, it's
supposed to taste just like drozen berries and cream once it
warms up."
Obi-Wan laughed, then grabbed Stravan's braid to pull him over
for a quick kiss. "You're incorrigible. All right, you've got a
deal."
At the next weekend break, Qui-Gon notified his apprentice
that the Master had been summoned to a series of meetings which
started in the local area and then moved to the other side of
Coruscant and would be gone overnight. Obi-Wan took advantage
of the occasion to invite Stravan to spend the weekend in the
more spacious quarters he shared with his Master. Since he only
had a few weeks left to finish his paper and prepare for final
exams, Obi-Wan successfully insisted they spend most of the
ninthday on homework but Stravan did manage to persuade him
into an early dinner. Afterward they had stripped to leggings
and were kissing on the sofa when the door unexpectedly opened.
Qui-Gon was halfway into the room before he realized anyone
else was there; he pulled up short when he saw the two young
men hurriedly breaking from their embrace.
"Padawan, good evening. There was a change of plans and we
will be staying over for at least two to three days so I came
by from our local meeting to pick up a few more things before
our transport leaves for the next sessions," said Qui-Gon,
making an obvious effort to ignore the state of near undress of
both young men.
"Yes, Master. Uh, I believe you know Stravan," answered
Obi-Wan uncomfortably.
By this time Stravan had put one arm firmly back around
Obi-Wan's shoulders and was casually stroking Obi-Wan's taut
belly with the other hand. "Master Jinn, good evening, sir,"
the Padawan coolly said.
"Padawan Stravan, good evening. I know we haven't seen much of
each other but Obi-Wan has talked about you quite a bit,"
Qui-Gon replied, his eyes drifting downward toward the roving
hand.
"I expect he has. We are very good friends, Master
Jinn," said Stravan condescendingly, his tone bordering on
disrespect.
"So, you'll be gone for a few days, Master?" Obi-Wan
interjected hastily as he saw Qui-Gon's countenance begin to
darken. The young apprentice was beginning to fidget as his
friend's hand drifted toward his waistband but he was unwilling
to draw attention to the wandering appendage.
"Yes, at least two days, more likely three or four. I'll, uh,
let you know when I find out what time we will be returning,"
said Qui-Gon distractedly, his attention now clearly on the
hand which had torn itself loose from Obi-Wan's vain attempt to
capture it and inserted itself inside Obi-Wan's pants and was
slowly caressing the bulge at the crotch.
Obi-Wan's face was now flaming red and he was trying
desperately to look anywhere but at his Master. He didn't want
to make a big scene but Stravan had him in a rather delicate
position.
"Master Jinn, I hope you have a nice trip," said Stravan,
still cool and calm, but looking up at Qui-Gon almost
challengingly as he continued to hold the Master's Padawan in
the intimate caress.
Qui-Gon started, then cleared his throat. "Yes, I'm, um, sure
it will be. Well, then, I'll just get my things." The Master
looked at Obi-Wan for a moment, but seeing no response he
hurried into his room and swiftly threw some personal items and
extra clothing into a small pack. Through the open door he
could hear Obi-Wan angrily hissing at his friend. When the
Master emerged, the two Padawans were sitting at opposite ends
of the sofa, Obi- Wan's face still a bright red but Stravan
appearing almost amused.
Qui-Gon stopped next to his Padawan on his way out and stood
looking back and forth at the two young men. Obi-Wan stood up
and waited for his Master to either speak or leave. Finally
Qui- Gon seemed to settle an internal debate and said
hesitantly and softly to his apprentice, "Obi-Wan, are you
going to be all right while I'm gone?"
"Of course, Master, it's hardly the first time I've stayed
here by myself," the apprentice replied in a highly irritated
tone. ~Where is that man's brain that he would say such a thing
in front of my friend?~ Obi-Wan felt the temperature in his
face ratchet up another notch from embarrassment as he saw the
knowing smile on Stravan's face grow wider.
"I know, it's just, well, I meant, are you two ..." Qui-Gon
floundered helplessly for a moment, gestured vaguely toward
Stravan, then cleared his throat, before continuing cautiously.
"Uh, well, I just wondered if the two of you will be, you know,
all right, is all. I wouldn't want anything to happen that you
weren't comfortable with."
As Obi-Wan suddenly realized what he thought his Master was
trying to get at, he was no longer sure if he was angrier with
his Master for being such an idiot or his friend for
precipitating the situation. His immediate reaction was to sit
down next to Stravan and put his arm defiantly around the other
Padawan's shoulders. "We are going to be quite all right,
Master," he said in a tight, angry voice. "But if you are also
trying to ask if we plan to screw each other, I really don't
think that's any of your business."
It was Qui-Gon's turn to blush hotly as he uttered "Oh, ... I,
uh, suppose not," in a small voice. He drew in a breath as if
to speak but nothing came out. Finally, he bit his lower lip,
then looked at Obi-Wan. "Well, I'll just leave you alone then,
shall I? Good-bye, Obi-Wan, Padawan Stravan." Qui-Gon looked
hard at Stravan for a moment, then nodded abruptly, hoisted his
small pack and left the room.
Obi-Wan waited until the door had closed before he exploded
off the couch and starting pacing.
"Sith take it, Stravan, just what the Force were you trying to
do? That was my Master, for Force sake! Why didn't you just
invite him to stay and watch us fuck, while you were at it?"
"Oh come on. You really need to lighten up, Kenobi. Your
Master may be the oh so great legendary Jinn but he's obviously
pretty clueless where you're concerned. Which, by the way, is
what I thought you were complaining about the other day."
"That's got nothing to do with us. And it doesn't mean you can
go around sticking your hand down my pants in front of my
Master to embarrass him as well as me."
"As far as I'm concerned, he's just another Master like all
the rest of them, only maybe a little more dense. In any event,
I want you even if he doesn't, and I don't mind letting him
know that you're mine."
"Let's get a few things straight right now," responded
Obi-Wan, his voice starting to rise. "I don't `belong' to you
and I don't think I like the disrespectful way you talk about
my Master."
"All right, I'll concede the ownership part, because
regardless of whether either of you will ever admit it, that
old son of a bantha has you by the balls if he'd ever wake up
and figure it out," said Stravan contemptuously.
"He's not old, and, and," Obi-Wan sputtered. "What the Sith
are you talking about, anyway?"
Stravan stood up so the two young men were practically toe to
toe. "Listen, Kenobi, I like you a lot and you're an
exceptionally good fuck, but there are times when I truly
wonder which of you two is really the clueless one."
"All right, Stravan, I like you too, but you've got a lot of
explaining to do on this one. Just what are you trying to get
at?"
"I've been watching you for a couple of months now, Kenobi. On
the one hand, I've seen the times you got mad because you felt
like Jinn wasn't treating you like a `grownup' and, quite
frankly, you looked a little silly. On the other hand, though,
most of the time you are either working your ass off because
he's got you totally brainwashed into believing that you've got
to have the best grades, do the perfect kata and be the model
Padawan or else you are mooning around after him, and I have to
listen to you moaning in your dreams because he won't fuck you.
I saw how jazzed you were when the old bastard took your curfew
off, but you should see yourself the rest of the time. When
you're not pissed off at him, you live for the little scraps
and crumbs of compliments he grudgingly hands out. He's got you
by the balls, Kenobi, because whatever it was, if he ordered it
you'd do it, no matter if it was jumping off the top of the
Tower or letting the whole Council fuck you in the dining hall
in front of everybody in the Temple."
Obi-Wan was practically seeing red by this time. "That's not
true, you sorry slimedevil. Qui-Gon Jinn is one of the best
Masters in the whole Temple and he's just teaching me to be the
best Jedi I can be. I want to do well because I know I can and
it's the right thing to do to push yourself and get better. And
he doesn't have to order me to do things, I want
to do things for him."
"You should really sit down and listen to yourself. I swear,
Kenobi, that if you weren't such a great fuck there were times
I almost wanted to tell you to take your righteous do-gooder
act and go find somebody who gives a womprat's ass. And all
these weeks you've been worrying and working your butt off
trying to convince the old bastard how `grown up' you are,"
Stravan mocked. "But let me tell you, little braid boy, all
those miserable Masters are all alike and none of it is going
to make any difference in the long run. You should have
listened to me when I told you it was better to learn to take
care of yourself first. You'd be a lot better off if you did
whatever you needed to do to get Knighted, then tell the old
sod to stick it where his light saber doesn't shine and get on
with your life."
At this point Obi-Wan was well past seeing red and the
resulting shouting match escalated into a bruising fight which
left both Padawans bloody and battered, panting and glaring at
each other across the room.
"I think you'd better leave," gasped Obi-Wan, leaning over
with hands on knees.
"Right. Well, I guess it was nice while it lasted," wheezed
Stravan in reply, bent over the upturned couch.
"Yeah, I guess so."
Stravan slowly gathered himself together, wiping off the blood
with a cloth from the kitchen, then finding the rest of his
clothes and dressing. He paused as he started for the door as
if about to say something, but just shook his head and left.
Obi-Wan slid down against the wall and glumly surveyed the
wrecked room as his breathing began to return to normal and the
blood streaming from his nose finally slowed to a trickle. ~How
in the Force do I get myself into these situations?~
Eventually the dispirited Padawan roused himself enough to
start taking inventory of his injuries. He found lots of bumps
and bruises, some nasty abrasions, a few cuts here and there
and a now thoroughly ripped pair of leggings but the worst of
it seemed to be swelling and contusions around his nose and
left eye. Obi- Wan stripped and took a quick shower to get rid
of the blood and dirt, then began slowly picking up the debris
in the common area with one hand while he held an ice pack on
his face with the other.
Two hours later the room was almost presentable and the blood
stains in the rug had been scrubbed away but Obi-Wan was
feeling definitely the worse for wear. He reached down to pick
up a stack of datapadds and knickknacks which had been knocked
off the shelves, then groaned when he saw the shattered remains
of a ceramic figurine under the pile. He carefully gathered up
all of the pieces and put them into a bowl, then sat down on
the couch with the bowl in his lap. Running his fingers through
the brown and orange pieces he thought about how he made the
little laughing cat in a Jedi robe when he was fifteen. He had
spent weeks getting it just perfect and had planned to save it
so he could give it to his Master for his naming day. Instead
he had begged Qui-Gon to take it with him when the Master was
sent away on a very dangerous mission without his apprentice.
Qui-Gon kept few material goods but the small feline had
remained in a place of honor after his safe return and Qui-Gon
always took it with him if he had to go offplanet alone on a
mission.
Obi-Wan sat back and sighed heavily. Right now he felt inside
like the broken cat as he forced himself to take an objective
look at just where he was in his life at the moment. Despite
letting his friends' taunts and needling turn him into an
obnoxious jerk, his Master had not only forgiven him but given
him a golden opportunity to demonstrate that he could act
responsibly. He realized now that he had made a number of poor
decisions these last few months and was probably further away
than ever from his goal of gaining his Master's respect. His
infatuation with Stravan was certainly a major mistake; he had
not understood the older Padawan's true nature until far too
late. Stravan had catered to his desire to feel more
independent and told him things he wanted to hear; as a result,
Obi-Wan had let his enjoyment of the affection and sex override
his sense of duty so he was now in a big hole with his academic
work. He saw now that his biggest mistake, though, was taking
his new freedom and guarding it jealously, like a child with a
new toy. Stravan had even influenced him in this area,
encouraging him to be more independent and keep his Master out
of his life. He had learned his lesson well, turning defensive
and seeing interference in even the most innocuous query from
his Master, repaying his Master's trust with false pride and
prickly oversensitivity. He hated to even think about how he
must have hurt his Master with his distance and barbed
comments. Idly running a thumb over a rough broken ceramic
edge, he sighed again. As long as he was being honest, he had
to admit he really had missed Qui-Gon's caring concern and the
quiet evenings they used to share together. Holding the bowl in
both hands, he looked down at the broken pieces for several
minutes. He finally rose to carry the bowl into his room; with
quiet determination he had decided he would do what he could to
repair the rift in his relationship with his Master and get
caught up as much as possible with his school work. At the end
of the term he would just have to see how things came out and
deal with the consequences as best he could.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
After finishing the cleanup of the quarters, Obi-Wan tried to
use a healing trance to fix his injuries. While he had success
in healing the minor cuts, bumps and bruises, his nose remained
stubbornly defiant and increasingly more painful. Looking at
his swollen face in the mirror, he probed the injury gingerly
with a finger and felt something moving and grating. Coming to
the dismal conclusion that it was probably broken, he faced the
first test of his new resolve to be a better Padawan and forced
himself to trudge down to the hated Healers wing to get his
nose fixed. Since standard practice including notifying his
Master and he didn't want Qui-Gon to worry unnecessarily while
they were apart, on the admission form for treatment Obi-Wan
put down that he fell. ~Which, from a certain point is view, is
correct. I fell right into that right hook that Stravan threw.~
He suffered through the knowing looks and brusque ministrations
of the night duty Healer and was finally released with an
admonishment to be more careful.
The next day Obi-Wan spent several hours in meditation. He was
not satisfied with his previous night's decision to just try to
do better. He thought about the kinds of mistakes he had made,
the damage he had probably done to his relationship with his
Master, and the time he had put to such poor use. He had let
false feelings and poor judgement lead him astray into actions
that he now understood were not in keeping with his own
personal high standards, actions which had betrayed the trust
his Master had placed in him. He wanted to take more positive
action to correct his mistakes, but he knew that would also
probably involve admitting his mistakes and swallowing his
pride. Well, if that was what it took, so be it.
After his first class the next morning, Obi-Wan sought and
received an appointment to return later that day to speak to
Master Zhkarn. Returning to the classroom after lunch, he
nervously waited at the door for permission to enter.
"Padawan Kenobi, come in," said the old Master, his bright
black eyes watching unblinking as the apprentice advanced to
the front of the desk. Although the green scaly skin was dulled
by age, it was well known that the Philosophy Master's wit and
teeth were as sharp as ever.
"Master Zhkarn, thank you for speaking with me," said Obi-Wan,
bowing low, then standing respectfully to await a reply.
"Why do you wish to speak to me, Padawan?"
Taking a deep breath, Obi-Wan began. "Master Zhkarn, I wish to
ask for an extension of the deadline for turning in the paper.
I apologize for the lateness of the request but I do not
believe I can write an appropriate paper in the time remaining
in the class."
The Master regarded him silently for several minutes, one claw
clicking on the scarred desk, hooded eyes occasionally
blinking, as the apprentice grew increasingly more
uncomfortable.
"The assignment was given at the beginning of the course, was
it not?" Master Zhkarn finally asked.
"Yes, Master Zhkarn."
"You understood that this is a mandatory course?"
"Yes, Master Zhkarn."
"Was there ever any question of when the paper was due?"
"No, Master Zhkarn."
"Then why do you come to me now to ask for an extension,
Padawan?"
"It is entirely my own fault, Master Zhkarn. I want to write a
good paper, I know I can write a good paper, but I did not
suitably manage my time or schedule my work appropriately and
now I do not have enough time left to properly complete the
paper, sir."
"You have two other courses, I believe?"
"Yes, Master Zhkarn."
"Have you asked for an extension or relief from work in either
of those classes?"
"No, Master Zhkarn."
"Are you behind in your work for those other classes?"
"Well, not very much in Astrophysics and not at all in math,
sir."
"I see. Astrophysics and math are important to you, but dusty
old philosophy is not?"
"I, well, that is, I didn't mean it like that, Master Zhkarn,"
said Obi-Wan, flustered by the unexpected turn in the
conversation.
"How did you mean it, Padawan?"
"Uh, I, well, ..." Obi-Wan trailed off and hung his head. "I'm
sorry, Master Zhkarn. To be honest, I guess I just didn't find
philosophy as interesting and I didn't put as much effort into
it as I did for my other classes. I did not intend any
disrespect, sir." He hesitated for a moment, then continued in
a low voice, "May I withdraw the request for the extension,
Master Zhkarn?"
"I suppose you may as well since I have no intention of
granting it. You made your choices, Padawan, and you will live
with the results of those choices. Quite frankly, I have been
very disappointed with your performance in my class. Aside from
the fact that your previous records indicate that you should
have been quite capable of doing well, I expected more from the
apprentice of Master Qui-Gon Jinn."
Obi-Wan's head snapped up. "The failure is my fault and my
fault only," he said hotly without thinking. "Master Jinn gave
me the responsibility for managing my own time during these
classes and I failed, not him. He doesn't even know I'm talking
to you so you can't - "
The old Master held up a hand for silence. "Your concern for
your Master is duly noted, Padawan."
Biting his lip, Obi-Wan calmed himself. "My apologies, Master
Zhkarn, for the intemperate expression of my feelings."
There was a trace of a smile as Master Zhkarn bared his fangs
before replying. "There is nothing wrong with your feelings,
just your class work, and I know what I wanted to find out. You
have two weeks left in the course, Padawan Kenobi, you can only
do what you can do in that time. I would appreciate it,
however, if you would try to learn something from the
class before it is over," he said dryly as he waved a clawed
hand in dismissal.
"Yes, Master Zhkarn. Thank you." Cheeks burning, Obi-Wan bowed
and left. He had learned at least one thing today; his
protectiveness of his Master appeared to finally outweigh his
own selfish feelings.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Returning to his room, Obi-Wan found a message from his Master
notifying him that Qui-Gon would be gone longer than originally
anticipated. For the next three days he worked hard with little
sleep. He went from classroom to sparring hall to studying and
writing in his quarters with only an occasional break for food
or a shower. Obi-Wan stopped attending the astrophysics study
group and stopped seeing Stravan altogether, only now beginning
to suspect that he had probably gotten far less benefit for the
amount of work he had put into those activities as the other
participants.
He tidied up their quarters on the day his Master was due
back. Obi-Wan was finishing math problems in the common area
that evening when the door chimed. He wondered who would be
calling this late when the door opened and Qui-Gon entered.
Obi-Wan felt a twinge of guilt that his Master had felt it
necessary to use the chime on his own quarters and that he
himself had been so self-absorbed he had not even noticed the
approaching presence of his Master's force signature. He
quickly got up and took his Master's bag.
"Welcome back, Master. I have some hot water ready if you
would like some tea."
"That would be a kindness, Padawan, thank you," his Master
replied, a surprised smile on his tired face. Qui-Gon went into
his room to take off his cloak and boots, then used the
fresher. By the time he came out his apprentice had cleared the
table and put out two steaming cups of tea accompanied by a
plate of sweet biscuits.
Qui-Gon sat down at the table and took an appreciative sip of
tea, then nibbled on a biscuit. Obi-Wan noticed that his
Master's shoulders were slumped and there were lines under his
bloodshot eyes. There was an awkward silence for several
moments as both sipped their tea. Finally, Obi-Wan broke the
silence, "So, how were the talks, Master?"
The older man hesitated for a moment as if not quite sure how
to respond to the overture. "They were tedious, far too long
and far too little was accomplished for the amount of effort
expended." He paused and scanned his apprentice's face before
continuing in a carefully neutral tone, "Padawan, I received an
injury notice from the Healers. The notice said you had fallen
and broken your nose?" Leaving the inquiry open, Qui-Gon put
his cup down and sat back with a guarded expression on his
face.
Obi-Wan felt his Master's shields tighten as he spoke and felt
his own guilt grow, knowing that his own recent behavior was
responsible for his Master's defensive posture. He toyed
nervously with his own cup as he replied, "Yes, Master.
Actually, to say I fell is probably a bit misleading."
Qui-Gon waited silently for his apprentice to continue, merely
raising an eyebrow in inquiry.
"After you left, Padawan Stravan and I had a disagreement and
it got a little heated," Obi-Wan continued. He paused
uncertainly, "Well, I suppose that's not really totally
accurate either ..."
Firming his resolve, Obi-Wan rose and went to kneel at his
Master's side. "Actually, Master, Stravan and I got into an
argument and it turned into a fight. I'm sorry, Master. I
cleaned up our quarters and was able to heal the cuts and
bruises but I had to go to the Healers to get my nose fixed."
"Did he hurt you? Was he trying to make you something you
didn't want to do? I'll speak to his Master if that arrogant
little ..."
"No, Master, please, it wasn't anything like that," Obi-Wan
quickly interrupted. He flushed a little as he continued, his
eyes on the floor, "He didn't try to force me to do anything.
We've, uh, we were lovers already, but we had been disagreeing
on some things before that night. I'm really sorry for what
happened that night when you came in, neither of us had any
right to embarrass you like that. I was mad at him for that
and, like I said, for some other things that had been building
up, and we went from yelling at each other to fighting. I'm
sorry, Master."
Qui-Gon had started to rise but now sat back down and looked
at his kneeling apprentice. Obi-Wan felt a tingle of confusion,
disappointment and a touch of surprised discomfort over their
bond; looking up he saw his Master peering down at him with a
puzzled expression on his face. Before Qui-Gon had a chance to
ask about details, the apprentice decided to proceed on his own
with a request he had been worrying over for the last two days.
"Master, I know I shouldn't have been fighting and I'll take
whatever punishment I have coming. But I have an important
request to ask of you first, Master."
"What request is that, Padawan?"
"Master, I ... well, I've sort of let a few things get out of
control and I've got a lot of school work to do in the few days
remaining in the term. I was wondering, would you please let me
out of our afternoon training sessions and postpone the
punishment for the fight until after final exams? It's just for
a few more days, and I swear I'll make it up to you, I'll do
double punishment and extra training if necessary," Obi-Wan
pleaded.
"Padawan, are you really in that much trouble that you would
need to ask for this? Is there anything we need to talk about
right now?"
The apprentice thought for a moment, licked his lips, then
looked up. "Master, I have made some poor decisions these last
few months and I have not used my time well. It's my own fault
and I would like to talk with you if you will wait for just a
bit longer. Please, Master, it's just that, well, right now I
need a chance to try to fix some things. I'll understand if you
say no. I know I haven't exactly been deserving of any special
treatment lately."
Qui-Gon reached down to raise the young man's chin so he could
look at his face. "Obi-Wan, you know I only want what is best
for you. We may have our differences occasionally but you have
always worked hard and tried to do what you believed was right.
I realize you are going through a difficult period of your life
right now, and I have tried to respect that, although I will
admit it hasn't been easy. I trusted you enough to agree to let
you manage your own time until we see the results at the end of
this term, and I will trust you enough to wait to discuss your
problems. I can not entirely disregard the rest of your
training, but I am willing to postpone the punishment for
fighting and reduce our afternoon sessions as much as possible.
Most days we should be able to finish in two hours or less, and
you may have the rest of the time for your other work."
"Thank you, Master," Obi-Wan replied. He reached up to touch
his Master's hand. "I've just begun to realize how difficult
I've been, Master, and I apologize for that. Right now, I'm
still trying to sort through some things in my head, but I do
understand that we need to talk after final exams, Master, and
I do want to talk."
"Yes, we do need to talk, but I will wait until then. I will
be here for you when you are ready."
A dense gray fog of apprehension and exhaustion seemed to fill
his head, slowing his thoughts to a crawl. His stomach had been
churning since the end of yesterday's classes, suspecting the
truth but hoping for a miracle. This was the last day of class
sessions when all the results were handed back. In his first
class, Advanced Comparative Philosophy, Master Zhkarn was
shuffling around the room passing back papers, final exams and
grades. As the datapadd with his results hit his desktop with a
dull click, Obi-Wan's whole world seemed to narrow to the small
screen. He drew his breath in sharply then groaned silently as
he saw the final comments and scores. He had already known the
score on his midterm was very poor but had hoped for better
than the pass on the final. The paper that he had finally
cobbled together came back marked with a low pass and he
cringed inwardly when he read some of the caustic comments on
it, knowing full well it was his own fault for having done so
poorly. Taken altogether, he ended up with a low pass for the
course. ~A low pass! I know I can do better than that. I should
have done better than that~ he berated himself. He sat
silently, thinking, as the class was dismissed early and the
room cleared. Soon the only occupants of the room were the
instructor and he.
Obi-Wan finally rose and went to stand in front of Master
Zhkarn's desk. "Master Zhkarn, I have a request."
"You passed the course, Padawan, although not very well, so
you don't have to come back. You received the grade you earned
and I will not raise it. And yes, your Master will receive a
copy of all grades and comments tomorrow. That covers at least
95% of the requests and questions I receive after the end of
each class," the old Master replied, leaning forward in his
chair, then jabbing a finger in the apprentice's direction. "I
suppose you think you have something unique to ask?"
"I don't know if it is unique, Master Zhkarn. I have been
thinking about some things you said and how well I did in the
class. I," he paused and looked down at the floor for a moment
before continuing. "Well, I have to admit I didn't really learn
all that much in your class. I would like to go back, complete
all of the reading, and write a proper paper for you so I can
finish the analysis I started in the paper I turned in."
The reptilian being leaned back in his chair and blinked
quickly several times before replying. "Rewriting the paper
will not change your grade, Padawan Kenobi. There is no reason
why I should bother to waste my time reading it," he said
brusquely.
Ignoring the rebuff, Obi-Wan quietly continued, "This has
nothing to do with grades, Master Zhkarn, and that is not what
I am asking. Respectfully, sir, I believe there is much I can
learn by completing the work I should have done and I am asking
if you would be willing to take the time to read the paper and
discuss it with me. No grades, nothing official, just an
opportunity to see if I have understood what you tried to teach
us."
"This is indeed a most unusual request. You are quite
serious?"
"Yes, Master Zhkarn. I don't know how long it will take me to
finish because I suspect we will be going out on missions again
for a while now that I have finished this cycle of classes, but
I will finish it as soon as I can."
The old Master pondered for several moments, one clawed finger
clicking on the desktop, then looked up. "Very well, Padawan
Kenobi. If you are willing to do the work on your own, then I
will make time to read it and discuss the results with you."
"Thank you, Master Zhkarn."
"Just tell me one thing, Padawan Kenobi. Why do you want to do
this?"
Obi-Wan gave a small smile as he replied softly, "Because, as
you reminded me the other day, I am Master Jinn's apprentice,
sir."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Obi-Wan's next two classes were not so bad. He had always
enjoyed and been good in math and tended to spend more of his
study time in this area; he finished with a solid high pass and
some very favorable comments. In Astrophysics, though, his
careless mistakes and lack of focus on the midterm and skimping
on some of the homework ended up dropping him down to a pass
with a mix of positive and negative comments.
Shaking his head as headed from his last class to the dining
hall, Obi-Wan heard running footsteps and a breathless voice
called out from behind him, "Wait up a minute, Kenobi."
Looking around, he saw Stravan hurrying up to him. With barely
concealed reluctance, he waited for the other Padawan.
"Obi-Wan, I haven't had a chance to talk to you for a while. I
wanted to thank you for all the help you gave me in philosophy
and astrophysics. I got a pass in all my classes," said
Stravan.
The younger apprentice looked at him for a moment before he
fully realized what Stravan had said and its implications.
"Don't take this the wrong way, Stravan, because I know you're
actually pretty sharp when you want to be, but when the Force
did you have time to write a passing paper for Master Zhkarn?"
asked Obi-Wan.
Stravan grinned. "Like I kept trying to tell you, it's all a
matter of priorities and knowing what you want. As long as I
get a pass or better in every class, my Master leaves me alone,
so I figured out what it took for each class and that's how
much I did. And you know, Kenobi, you really need to learn to
take better advantage of letting people help you in study
groups and how to reuse papers you've written for other
instructors instead of trying to do everything the hard way for
every class."
Obi-Wan just shook his head and sighed. He didn't think he
could ever learn to function like that.
"Aw come on, Obi-Wan, you really do need to learn to lighten
up," Stravan said before turning serious. "And, uh, I also
wanted to apologize for the other night up in your quarters. I
didn't mean for you to get in any trouble with your Master or
anything."
"Fine, apology accepted and I'm sorry I fought with you. It
was a pretty stupid thing to do. My Master agreed to postpone
the punishment for the fight until after final exams were
finished so it wasn't a big problem," Obi-Wan replied. "Is that
all you wanted?"
Stravan stared at Obi-Wan for a second like he had grown a
second head. "You told your Master about the fight? Why?
He was gone for days and would never have known the
difference."
" I knew it was wrong so I told him. You just don't
seem to get it, do you, Stravan?"
"I certainly don't understand you, Kenobi. Why do you keep
busting your ass and being so righteous for someone who's never
going to even look twice at you the way you want?"
"There's a lot more to our relationship than that. Look, I
don't understand and I don't particularly care what is going on
with you and your Master, but I respect and love my Master and
the things he stands for. He is a great man and a great Jedi
and I would be ecstatic if I could ever be just half as good as
him. Whether he ever returns my love the way I want is my
personal problem and has nothing to do with his teaching me to
be a Jedi. Now, unless you have something else to say, I would
suggest that we treat whatever we had together as being
finished. My goal is to become the best Jedi Knight I can be,
not just to scrape by and become a Knight any old way I can. We
obviously want different things out of life and it would be
better for both of us if we go our separate ways."
"Well, all right, if that's the way you feel about it," said
Stravan reluctantly. "But if you ever need someone for a good
time, I'll be around."
"I'll keep that in mind," said Obi-Wan dryly. "Good-bye,
Stravan."
"Right, uh, good-bye then," said Stravan to the retreating
back as Obi-Wan turned and walked down the corridor.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Later that day, after an evening meal he didn't remember
eating, Obi-Wan sat at the desk in his room, looking morosely
at three neatly aligned datapadds and a bowl of ceramic
fragments that represented the mess he had made of his life the
last few months. He had tried to meditate as he waited for
Qui-Gon to return from yet another meeting, but his thoughts
kept wandering to the question of how it was possible to be
handed something you wanted so much but probably didn't deserve
and then handle it so badly. Having finally giving up the
meditation as a pointless exercise, he sat staring at the
datapadds from his three instructors for the just completed
classes. Over the past several days, the more he had pondered
and meditated upon the situation, the more certain had become
his conviction that he had failed to live up to his end of the
agreement with his Master and simply wasn't nearly as ready as
he had thought he was for more responsibility. He buried his
face in his hands as he thought about the discussion he would
soon be having with his Master; admitting his mistakes would
not be easy and it hurt to know how disappointed his Master
would be with his failure. To make things worse, the feelings
for his Master that he normally ruthlessly suppressed during
his waking hours kept surfacing, poking his consciousness like
a sharp stick to remind him why he had wanted so badly to do
well and what his failure had probably cost him.
So absorbed was the young man in his own thoughts that he
heard neither the knock nor the sound of his door opening. It
was not until the large hand descended gently onto his shoulder
that he realized someone else had entered his room.
"Padawan, are you all right?" asked Qui-Gon softly, concern
spilling over the training bond.
"Yes, Master," replied Obi-Wan, dropping his hands onto the
desk. "I was just thinking."
"Your school term is over now, Padawan. There are some things
we need to discuss."
"Yes, Master, I know. I just need a few minutes, please, then
I'll be right out."
"Very well, Padawan. I will be waiting in the common room."
Qui-Gon gave his apprentice's shoulder a brief, reassuring
squeeze before dropping his hand and leaving the room.
Obi-Wan stood up, closed his eyes, and took several slow, deep
breaths to calm himself. Opening his eyes, he gathered the
three datapadds and the bowl of fragments and headed for the
door. ~Well, let's go straight for the apology and get it over
with. Perhaps the rest of it won't be so bad if I admit right
away I made a mess of things.~
He paused briefly in his doorway and saw his Master sitting
patiently on the couch. The apprentice walked over and knelt in
front of Qui-Gon, then bowed low, touching his forehead to the
floor.
"Master, I regret to inform you that I have failed in our
agreement. I apologize for my failings and the things I have
done wrong these last few months, and I beg your forgiveness,
Master."
"Padawan, please sit up."
Obi-Wan sat up and leaned back on his haunches. He wasn't sure
what his Master wanted since this wasn't the way a chewing out
usually went.
"Padawan, I'm sorry, let me clarify that request. I want you
to sit here on the couch. We need to have a discussion, not a
confession and admonishment."
"Yes, Master." Obi-Wan got up and sat at the end of the couch
apprehensively, finding it difficult to look anywhere but the
floor.
"Thank you. Now, Padawan, please tell me why you believe you
have failed in our agreement and what you believe you have done
wrong," said Qui-Gon quietly.
Obi-Wan groaned inwardly. ~Force, he's going to make me drag
out all the gory details.~ Outwardly he maintained a calm
composure. "Master, the heart of the agreement was that you
would remove many of the restrictions on my activities such as
the curfew and, in return, I was supposed to responsibly manage
my time and activities and maintain the same level of
achievement as before you removed the restrictions. I believe
that, for the most part, I kept up with the physical and combat
training," he paused to wait for an acknowledging nod from his
Master, "but I made some mistakes in how I managed things on
the academic side and, well, I'm afraid the results are quite a
bit lower than they should have been, Master." He silently
handed over the three datapadds.
Qui-Gon spent several minutes going over each of the class
results and instructor's comments. Obi-Wan did his best not to
fidget as the silence seemed to stretch on interminably.
Finally, however, Qui-Gon leaned back, pursed his lips
thoughtfully, then turned to speak to his apprentice.
"All three of these courses were important mandatory courses,
Padawan, and you were aware of that. Your math result is in
line with your normal scores but I have to say I am surprised
by your Astrophysics results and very concerned about what
happened in Philosophy. In fact, I believe we spoke briefly
about your progress in Philosophy after your midterm, didn't
we?"
"Yes, Master, Master Zhkarn had sent you a note about how I
was doing in the class. Master, I acknowledge that I have
failed and I'm truly sorry to have disappointed you," said
Obi-Wan. He swallowed hard before continuing, "I submit myself
for discipline and whatever restrictions you believe are
appropriate, Master. Can't you just please tell me what the
punishment will be and we can get on with things?"
"Obi-Wan, this is isn't about doing something wrong and
punishment. We both need to understand what happened, why it
happened and where we go from here. To a certain extent, I
blame myself for part of your problems. I could see that you
were falling behind in your classwork but I kept telling myself
that you would recognize the problem and solve it, so I kept
stopping myself from talking to you. I even let you sleep in
that one morning, knowing you had a test that day. I feel like
I didn't give you much support while you were having problems."
"No, Master, none of it was your fault," Obi-Wan protested.
"In fact, one of the things I wanted to apologize for was the
way I treated you and some of the things I said to you. I was
so wrapped up in being independent and doing things on my own
that I now realize I was very defensive." He gave a
self-deprecating snort. "I wouldn't have listened if you
had tried to say something, in fact I probably would
have ended up getting mad and yelling at you. When I think
back, I see now that an awful lot of the time I was bordering
on being disrespectful but all I could think about was what was
happening with me. Short of giving me a direct order to do some
things differently, which would have just led to a fight, I
don't think there was anything you could have said that I might
have listened to. You lived up to your end of our agreement to
let me do things on my own; I'm the one who didn't do my part."
"Well, while we're being honest, I will admit on my part that
some of the things you said and did were hurtful at times but I
didn't believe you intended them to be. You were going through
a difficult time so I just tried to overlook a lot of things I
normally wouldn't."
"Master, I'm afraid that at the time I probably did mean those
things, but I am sorry for being so hateful. And, although you
would never have gotten me to admit it, there were times I
missed being able to talk to you, but pride kept driving me
away."
Qui-Gon shook his head and gave a half-smile. "Pride can be
one of the most damaging emotions if it is taken too far. I am
glad you have realized that, but we still need to talk about
why your grades were so poor."
"Actually, Master, I can answer that with one word - Stravan.
I should never have gotten involved the way I did. It felt so
good to be with him; he was bright and charming and went out of
his way to make me feel important and grownup. Stravan knew
just the things to tell me to make me feel good, how to tell me
what I wanted to hear." Obi-Wan paused, then leaned forward a
little, head tilted down, looking at the floor. "For a long
time I didn't understand, or maybe I just didn't want to see,
that what he wanted from life was so different from what I was
trying to do. I let him talk me into spending time with him
when I knew I should be studying. I just kept getting further
behind, especially after we became lovers and I wanted so much
to be with him. When I got to know him better, I began finding
out that he didn't think it was all that important to do well
in class, or in pretty much anything else either." The young
man paused again, then sat up straight, looking straight at his
master. "In any event, I made some very poor decisions in that
relationship, and a lot of the time I spent with Stravan was
time I should have been spending on studying. I just didn't
figure it out until it was too late."
"But you did break up with him, Padawan, and rather
spectacularly I suspect if your mood when I left that night and
that injury report I got later are valid indications."
Obi-Wan flushed and looked back down at the floor again. "Yes,
Master. Some of that had been building up for a while, but I
found out that night just what a poor opinion Stravan has of
Jedi Masters also. He said some pretty nasty things about you
and about me and, well, one thing sort of led to another. We
got into a shouting match which turned into a fight and we
haven't really seen each other since then." Obi-Wan looked up
at his Master. "It was that night, while I was cleaning up the
mess from the fight, that I really started to realize what had
been happening and how many mistakes I had been making. I guess
I just wasn't as ready as I thought I was to take on that kind
of responsibility." He paused as he remembered the bowl still
sitting by his side. "Oh, yes, uh, there is one more very
important thing, Master."
"That's quite a bit you've already covered, Padawan. What else
did you do that could possibly equal all that?" Qui-Gon said
with a small smile.
Shamefacedly, Obi-Wan knelt next to Qui-Gon and offered him
the bowl of broken pieces. "Your cat got broken in the fight,
Master. I've been meaning to see if I could fix it but just
like almost everything else lately, I haven't had time to do
that either. I'm sorry, Master, I know it was important to
you."
Obi-Wan watched silently as Qui-Gon took the bowl, set it on
his lap, and slowly ran his fingers through the pieces. Finding
a large piece from the head with an intact ear, for several
minutes Qui-Gon pensively ran a callused thumb along the broken
edge, then up and down the pointed orange ear.
"Actually, Obi-Wan, the cat itself wasn't very important to me
at all," said Qui-Gon eventually in a very low, soft voice.
Still looking at the broken piece, he continued, "What was
important to me was what the cat represented. The arts master
told he how much of your own free time you had spent to get it
`just right', as he put it. I know time to yourself tends to be
a rare and precious commodity for the Jedi, especially with an
old war horse like me for a Master who's always dragging you
away on missions, and I was touched that you spent so much of
your private treasure on me. When I couldn't have you with me
on a mission, I took the cat to remind me of you." Qui-Gon
dropped the piece into the bowl and set the bowl aside. He
reached out to lay a hand on his apprentice's shoulder. "You
are far more important and far more precious to me than any
material possession."
Obi-Wan did not trust himself to speak as he felt his Master's
hand move from his shoulder to riffle through his hair in a
long familiar gesture of affection that just a few weeks ago he
probably would have rejected as being `beneath his dignity'. He
could feel his throat start to tighten a little with emotion.
"Obi-Wan, you asked me not so long ago to see you for what you
are. That is a question that I have continued to wrestle with
since then. Would you like to know how I see you now, my
Padawan?"
"Actually, Master, after the things I've done lately, I would
be happy just to know you still want me as your Padawan," said
Obi- Wan, trying to defuse his emotions with an attempt at
humor.
"Oh no, you're not going to get away nearly so easily, my
Padawan. You still owe me extra duty and training hours, and
there's a bit more learning I want to try to pound into that
thick skull of yours," said Qui-Gon with a smile and a playful
tap on the apprentice's forehead before leaning back on the
couch and turning serious. The Master paused, then sighed
softly before continuing. "I do have to admit it took me a
while to understand and admit the truth of what I saw, because
it meant that I had to admit that time has been passing much
faster than I was willing to acknowledge. It also meant that I
had to admit that someday I would have to let you move on to a
new life, and that is a day I can not honestly say I am looking
forward to. Obi-Wan Kenobi, when I look at you I see a
beautiful young man, capable, caring and generous. I see an
honest and honorable young man, hard working, intelligent, a
fine warrior with an occasionally wicked sense of humor hidden
under an all too serious exterior. I see one of the best
Padawans in the Temple who will someday be a great Jedi Knight,
a young man it has been my pleasure and honor to train, a young
man of whom I am very proud. I also see a young man who is
still growing, still struggling, who sometimes has to learn
things the hard way, but who has indeed learned a lot along the
way, and a young man who often punishes himself when he is
wrong far more effectively than I can." Qui-Gon leaned forward,
forearms resting across his knees, large hands dangling
loosely. "Finally understanding that I missed so much about you
for so long, I find I have another question I don't know how to
answer any more. Tell me, Obi-Wan Kenobi, what do you
see when you look in the mirror?"
Obi-Wan had been listening with growing astonishment and
embarrassment. He could feel his face burning from the
compliments but there was also a flicker of hope in his heart
as he struggled to understand what his Master meant about not
wanting to let him go. He pondered his Master's last question
for several moments.
"If you had asked me that question a few months ago, Master,
the answer would have been different from what it is today.
Then I probably would have said that I was responsible, hard
working and ready for more independence and responsibility but
frustrated because you were still treating me like a boy when I
felt like I was becoming a man. Today, I'd like to think that I
still work hard but I've come to understand that I've still got
a lot more to learn than I realized and true maturity doesn't
necessarily have anything to do with how old you happen to be.
Having to deal with Stravan also forced me to appreciate how
much I value what you have taught me about what it means to be
a Jedi and about doing your best just because it is the right
thing to do."
Obi-Wan's heart was hammering in his chest as he worked up the
courage to tell his Master how he really felt. Force knew when
he might get another opportunity like this one, and if he
didn't speak now he had a sneaking suspicion he would end up
waiting until his Knighting day to bring it up again. He wet
his lips and leaned forward to take Qui-Gon's hands in his.
"But do you want to know what I see most of all every day when
I look in the mirror, Master? I see both the luckiest and
unluckiest Padawan in the whole temple. The luckiest Padawan,
that's because that Padawan has a wonderful Master, a great
Jedi who cares for deeply for his apprentice and pushes that
apprentice to be better than he thinks he could ever be. But I
also see the unluckiest Padawan, because that Padawan is also a
person who loves a man who doesn't know he exists, a man that
he would die for, a man he never wants to be separated from."
The large hands he was clasping had tightened but not pulled
away. Obi-Wan looked up at Qui-Gon and saw that his Master was
sitting as if frozen, barely breathing, dark blue eyes locked
on the two pairs of hands in front of him.
"Obi-Wan," he whispered, then stopped. "You don't, you
can't know what you're saying." Qui-Gon raised his eyes
to look at his apprentice. "You could have almost anyone you
want in the Temple, you shouldn't be wasting your time and
affections on an old man like me. I thought we got all that
straightened out when you were sixteen."
"The only thing that we got `straightened out' back then was
that you thought I was too young to know what I was doing. It's
been two years, Master. I've had a lot of time to think since
then, and to examine the feelings I have for you. You were
right about me when I was sixteen, what I thought was love was
really a severe case of hero worship, but I have to come to
know both of us a lot better since then, and I know that what I
feel for you now is love. And to be honest, yes, I've had sex
with others, partly because it felt good and partly because I
thought you deserved better than inexperienced fumbling if you
would ever let me be with you. But it's never been more than
just physical attraction with anyone else, Master, I've never
felt with anyone else the way I feel with you, the sense of
connection and rightness just being with you, working with you,
talking to you. There've been so many times I wanted to tell
you how I felt, but I always held back because I thought you
would just tell me again that I was too young. But you need to
understand, Master, that was why I was so anxious for you to
see that I was getting older, that I could be responsible and,
well, more `grown up'. I know I made a hash of things in that
area but I'm willing to pay the price for those mistakes as
part of the cost of growing up. But all this time I have been
struggling with how I could get you to understand that what I
feel for you is real and not just a childish infatuation. I do
love you, Qui-Gon Jinn, not just as a Padawan should love and
respect his master, but as one person to another."
Qui-Gon had closed his eyes and was pale. "Obi-Wan, we
shouldn't. You still have years of training ahead of you and it
is very difficult to keep a personal relationship from
interfering with the Master-Padawan relationship."
Obi-Wan was encouraged that Qui-Gon had not rejected him
outright and pressed his advantage. "I understand that it can
be difficult, but there are many who have done it, who are
balancing those commitments right now. We already have a
stronger than usual bond and a good working relationship. I
believe that we are both strong enough to make it work if you
will give us a chance."
Qui-Gon slipped down from his seat to kneel on the floor, knee
to knee with his apprentice, large hands still clasped within
the smaller but already well callused hands. "Obi-Wan, when you
challenged me to see you, I also had to look at the way I felt
about you. I realized that I have loved you in many ways,
father, teacher, and these last few years, as a trusted friend
and fellow warrior. But there has long been a special place in
my heart which I have kept hidden away, refusing to acknowledge
it or even look at it, thinking to save it for the day when I
might meet someone so special I would want to spend my life
with them. When I came to examine my feelings for the young man
who had appeared seemingly overnight under my very nose, I
found that you had already slipped in and filled that place
without my knowing it. Finding you has been the greatest joy of
my life, and difficult as some of our days together have been,
I would not give up a single one. I have dedicated my life to
you, to making you a Jedi Knight, but now you also have my
heart, Obi-Wan Kenobi, to take or to break. I can not stop you
from doing either and since I don't understand what you see in
this tired old Jedi, I am afraid of what the future might hold
for us."
"What I see is the man under the Jedi robe, a gentle man, a
strong man who uses that strength to help others, a man who
fights for what he believes is right even when it gets him in
trouble. I want to love you and be with you forever, not to
hurt you. I know neither of us is perfect, I have certainly
learned that the hard way, and I know I have a lot more to
learn. I'm not saying it will be easy, but I have faith that we
can do it. I believe in you, Master, and I believe in what I
feel for you. But I swear, Qui-Gon Jinn, if you start spouting
that nonsense about being old again, I'm going to smack you."
That finally got a smile on the Jedi Master's face and Obi-Wan
took advantage of the opportunity to lean across and touch his
lips lightly to Qui-Gon's. For a brief moment he thought the
older man would stop him, but after a short hesitation Qui-Gon
returned the chaste kiss.
After only a few seconds Qui-Gon pulled back, his face now
flushed and his breathing heavy. He put his hands on his
apprentice's shoulders and held him at arms length. "Obi-Wan,"
he whispered, "I don't know if I can do this. Can this really
be true?"
"Master, it is true. Let me show you, see not just me but see
what I have come to see, feel what I have come to feel," said
Obi-Wan. The young man took a calming breath, then lowered his
shields until they were totally transparent.
The vision revealed to the Master transfixed him. In the
darkness, a single light, a brilliant diamond sculpture lit
from within of a tall figure in a Master's robe, hair flowing,
light saber raised and glowing. The figure stood majestically
on a tall stand, light reflecting from its pristine surface. A
small flame sprang up and danced around the base, flickering as
it paid homage. Moving closer, the diamond was revealed to be
ice, ice that suddenly fractured as the light within roared to
a blinding inferno then just as suddenly subsided to a large
flame, the fractured and melting ice almost drowning the small
flame in a flood of embarrassment and humiliation. For a long
time, Qui- Gon's gaze was fixed on the large flame, a flame
which occasionally ebbed and guttered as its orange-red edges
danced around its yellow heart. Eventually, a small but
determined yellow flame blossomed from the red embers which had
remained after the flood. The small flame grew, bit by bit, as
it crept slowly across the blackness toward the larger fire.
Qui-Gon noticed that as the small flame grew larger and drew
closer, both began to change. The fire within each became
hotter, burning cleaner and straighter. To be certain, the
edges were still ragged and imperfect, flickering in their
somber reds and passionate oranges, but in the end there were
two flames with hearts of a brilliant blue-white, the shorter
flame reaching for the taller, leaning but held back by an
invisible barrier.
"Do you see, Master, do you understand now?" asked Obi-Wan
softly. "What I feel for you is real, no more illusions of
false perfection but true feelings tempered by time. I love the
goodness that is within you, not the bold Jedi warrior and
diplomat the rest of the galaxy sees, and I want us to join, to
be together as one. Teach me of love, and joy, and how to
please you, as you have me taught me so much else in my life.
Let me love you, Qui-Gon Jinn, let the flames be as one."
Qui-Gon did not answer immediately but instead drew the
younger man up to sit beside him on the couch. Reaching up with
his right hand, he slowly drew a trembling fingertip
uncertainly down along the side of his apprentice's face, then
traced the edges of his lips.
"This is a very serious thing that you are asking us to
undertake, my Obi-Wan. I will not rush this; we will only go as
fast as the Force wills and I will not hurt you. You must be
prepared to overcome impatience and to defer our personal
feelings to the demands of our duties as Jedi. Our personal
feelings must also give way when necessary to our
Master-Padawan relationship. There are many adjustments both of
us will need to make along the way to making this love come
true. Are you prepared to do this, to wait when we must, to
learn as we both grow, and to endure the inevitable pain of
growing and living, my Obi-Wan?"
"What I feel is real and is worth waiting for and working for.
I know I am still young, Master, but I willingly commit myself
to you for as long as you will have me, for as long as it
takes. I ask you again, guide me on this path, let me love you,
Qui-Gon Jinn, let the flames be as one."
Drawing a deep breath, Qui-Gon gathered the young man into his
arms and held him in a close embrace, lowering his shields so
the apprentice could see what lay beneath.
"Yes, my Obi-Wan," he whispered as the flames joined and leapt
upward in joyful communion, warming them both.
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