When You Say Nothing At All

by Triskell (triskell@xpoint.at)

Archive: m-a please, my website (http://www.user.xpoint.at/e.lebic/default.htm)

Category: angst, h/c

Rating: R

Warnings/Spoilers: no spoilers, takes time before TPM

Summary: Obi-Wan's dreaming, and all his shields are up...

Disclaimer: All the characters used here belong to George Lucas, the creator of the Star Wars Universe - No copyright infringement is intended. I created Inglesia and its people, so they are copyrighted by me and must not be used anywhere without my permission.

Author's Note: This is not intended to be a songfic in itself, it just came to my mind how beautifully this song describes the relationship between Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan. I adore feedback and comments almost as much as Qui and Obi ;-)
// indicates telepathy
bold indicates thoughts
**indicates dreams

The sun painted reddish golden circles on the floor of the sparsely furnished room inhabited by Jedi Padawan Obi-Wan Kenobi, casting a halo of light over his sleeping form. It was not yet time to get up for him, as he had been advised to keep to his bed to regain his strength after having sported a particularly dangerous bout of Inglesian U'mbx Fever.

Though a picture of calm on the outside, the young man was fiercely battling the shadows that assaulted him in his dreams. No one might have guessed what he was going through, except for his Master, who had been alerted by the sudden slamming down of tight shields in his Apprentice's mind. Not that that was an unusual occurrence per se, it was rather the sensation of the severing of even the training bond that woke him with a start.

Whatever was bothering Obi-Wan it had to either be most intensely private or embarrassing to warrant such an action. Qui-Gon was used to his Apprentice confiding in him, not everything of course, but such problems as were too large, too elusive or too complicated for him to tackle on his own. It seemed that this time the young man had chosen to take care of a particularly huge chunk of business all by himself.

Oh, no, you won't. Not now. Not like this.

Qui-Gon flung his legs out of bed, grabbing his robe as he hurried into the adjoining room. Obi-Wan was the picture of serenity. His face showed no line of suffering, of conflict even, bathed in the soft morning sunlight, his body seemed so completely relaxed it was hard to believe he was fighting demons deep down inside his mind.

But Qui-Gon knew better. And he also knew there was no point in taking his Apprentice to the healers. They would not recognise the danger of the situation. This was his responsibility. He kneeled down beside the bed, taking the young man's hand in his, calling him, knocking softly on the shields.

**Cold, damp...a swamp... Obi-Wan struggled in the knee-deep water, frantic to move on, knowing he couldn't lose a minute. Every ounce of time passing might mark his beloved Master's last breath. He had to reach him. Hold him, help him, save him. Or die at his side.

The young man shuddered. His clothes were wet, clung to him like a dirty, chilling second skin. Minutes passed, stretched into hours, days. The light changed its patterns, into a semblance of day and night. He forced himself to continue, although his legs were leaden, his eyes threatened to give out and his breathing and heartbeat were slowing down, couldn't keep up with the exertion.**

//Obi-Wan. OBI-WAN. LET ME IN... OBI-WAN !//

The mental voice grew louder, more insistent, the more often it repeated the young man's name. Time was suspended in the moment, and though the hours passed and the light in the room changed from a bright warmth, to the husky gloom of dusk, Qui-Gon never moved, never thought of anything else, only repeated the dear name over and over again, knocking on the tight shields in his Apprentice's mind.

**The Force wasn't there. He reached out, again and again, but there was nothing. He knew it then. He had lost his Master, had failed him. Left him to die alone. Hadn't been by his side as was his duty, not only as a Padawan but as a lover. And he hadn't even told him. He was frightened, felt the chill of the Dark Side beside him, creeping closer as he lost his bearing, succumbed to the loneliness inside him, the core of his heart that had so suddenly been vacated.**

That won't do. Force knows how long I've kept this up and he still shows no reaction.

The options were simple now. Break into Obi-Wan's mind and tear him out of his self-evoked solitude...or drag his sleeping...comatose form to the healers. Qui-Gon trusted his instincts, as he settled down more comfortably beside his Padawan's bed, taking up a position as for meditation, laying his hand onto the young man's forehead.

//I'm sorry, Obi-Wan. It will hurt me more than you, ...I hope. //

**Darkness descended on him, his breathing was shallow, he was caught inside a maze of thoughts, if of his own making or someone else's he could not tell. He knew there was no way to get back. Not that he had any idea where to. He was lost. So utterly and completely he hardly remembered anything at all...his name...and then there was a silence in his mind, as if it refused to co-operate. Had he ever known more than this? The solitude was frightening, yet blissful. The anger welcome in its strength, but...he didn't truly want it to hold him...he'd rather have...what? Someone's arms around him...whose? He just didn't know anymore...**

The aftermath of the fever. The healers told me to be careful. They said he might forget a few things, as if he had had a concussion. No mention of a comatose sleep with his shields down so tight he's even severed our training bond though...

Qui-Gon braced himself. Then, with one swift thought, he pushed roughly at the barriers in Obi-Wan's mind, shattering a little portion of the shield.

This will take longer than I anticipated. Sith, I had no idea he was so good at shielding himself. Seems like this isn't the first time he's locked me out. I should have realised...

Another well-calculated shove with the Force, so strong only a Master could muster it without it pushing his strength to the limits. But even so, Qui-Gon felt giddy for a moment. The barriers were strong, fortunately not as strong as they could have been, had Obi-Wan been able to concentrate all of his talent on them.

Thank the Force he's still weakened from that fever. Otherwise this would have taken even longer...and been more painful.

Qui-Gon felt the headache begin. He tucked it away. Time for that later...when he had his Padawan back in reality, beside him, where he belonged.

**Pain. Flaring up, consuming his mind. Then, ebbing away, passing...an invasion of his thoughts? Maybe. He couldn't remember having ever felt the like. He shook his head, his sight bleary and distorted. His hands came down to touch the ground.

He had probably sunk to his knees when the first flash of intense, garish, blazing light had come upon him. It seemed almost as if he weren't alone. Though he sensed nothing. He was cold...and he felt...nothing. Where his...heart should have been there was a void - empty, hollow, threatening to pull him into its grasp like one of the black holes so prominent in space.**

//Obi-Wan? Answer me!! OBI-WAN.//

He had got through the shields, barely. He was exhausted. No wonder really. He sensed confusion, pain, fear...the Dark Side! It was leering at him through the shards he recognised as the young man's memories. Well, some of them were his memories... Faces, movements, his lightsabre... But there was no trace of the familiar, soothing presence his Apprentice accommodated him with when in his mind. Whatever was wrong, the core lay deeper, in Obi-Wan's soul. And he couldn't touch it...not like this. He sighed...then, he remembered...

The fields on Inglesia, where they had mediated in a conflict between two farming clans. The countryside was beautiful, golden with the waving corn grown there, swaying reeds stretching towards the horizon, touching the endless blue of a clear sky above, broken by the soft glow from the prominent moons that gave the planet its light. The sun was far out in space, its brilliant light reflected on the small chunks that orbited the planet and so gave it interminable days. There was no night. The people slept when the shadows grew longer due to the turning of their planet's axis, and got up with the glow showing no reflections on the surface.

As the Inglesians preferred to communicate in a sign language, as they believed the winds to be stirred by their voices, the two Jedi had used telepathy to interact with each other. It was then that Qui-Gon had noticed his Apprentice had shielded more than his privacy. It had been as if he kept a part of himself out of the conversation. As he had wondered, he had asked the young man what this all was about.

//I...wish to keep certain...things to myself, Master.//

So simple, yet the Jedi Master had sensed that he could breach the shields, make Obi-Wan open himself, if he only spoke the right words. He had done that before, though he had never realised what had induced his Padawan to falter under his Master's steady gaze when he was in trouble. It had been the right words, spoken unconsciously into his mind...

**He was losing his grip on what he believed to be his sanity...or himself... The chill threatened to overwhelm him, he could not, dared not fight it, knew not how to. If only there was someone there to help him...who, he didn't really care...just...someone he trusted - loved? That seemed so familiar, so easy to grasp, as if it were within his reach although he couldn't sense it...**

What would make Obi-Wan falter. It must be something! Sith, I have no idea.

There was no other way. He would simply have to rely on his instincts. Tell the young man whatever came to his mind...

//Obi-Wan. Padawan. I...come out of there. We need to...I...need you. By my side. Close to me. You...are the one thing that makes my life complete...I love you.//

Why did I say that ? I might lose his friendship over it... "better than losing him completely" a small voice added.

**That was it. He couldn't feel his body, his thoughts had all fled from him. There were no memories he could call upon, no emotions, sensations, he was...empty - in the true sense of the word. The light almost blinded him. It had crept on the hazy gloom he sat in, bursting through, driving the shadows away. Pain flared through him again, but this time it was replaced by a soothing warmth, a...presence... "Master ?"**

//Obi-Wan! Thank the Force. Can you hear me? Are you alright?//

//I...don't know. I...what happened? I'm cold...//

//Take my hand, Obi-Wan. We will leave this place.//

//I...can't. I can't move, I'm cold. Master? I don't see you...//

He's on the verge of panic. I've got to soothe him somehow.

//Trust me, Padawan.//

//I do, Master. I will...//

He's standing up, so slowly, I wish I could help, but he's in a place I cannot enter...not now.

//Come to me, Obi-Wan. Trust me. I'm here. I won't leave you.//

He's coming towards me. Holding out his hand...

**Obi-Wan felt the soft touch of his Master's hand, the gentle pull, let himself be tugged along. Qui-Gon's strong hold on him lent him strength and the further they went, the more steady his feet became. His eyes adjusted to the light and his mind cleared...he remembered...everything...**

//Master?//

//We have to get you out of here, Obi-Wan. We'll talk later.//

//Why? I feel fine, I really do, Master. What's this all about?//

//You've been lying in a stupor, with your shields slammed down, for at least a day. There was no reaching you. And you're still not awake. I want you to look into my eyes. And then you'll see the healers. I'm taking no risks on that.//

//You're worried, Master.//

//That shouldn't surprise you, Obi-Wan. Come along now.//

**His Master pulled at his hand, dragging him further into the light. Out of...whatever this place was. He gave in. Qui-Gon's words hammered against his mind, the meaning he saw in them escaping his scrutiny. He went forward. He had been told to wake up. His Master had ordered it. At least it had been as forceful a thought as an order...laced with worry, fear? There it was...that was where the light was strongest, brightest... Qui-Gon had already passed through there, now he was pulled along, into the blinding whiteness, the...**

Qui-Gon let out his breath. Obi-Wan's eyes fluttered, opening slowly to the reddish glow of the rising sun. Had it been really twenty-four hours since he had settled down beside his Padawan's bed?

My knees sure tell me it were...

He stretched wearily, carefully, never taking his gaze off the young man in the bed beside him. Soft, grey-blue eyes fixed on him, groggily, sleep still evident in their hazy look.

"Good morning, Master."

Doesn't he remember? Might be better...or maybe not...

//Good morning Padawan.//

His voice could not be trusted right now. Suddenly the calm features in front of him changed. Obi-Wan's eyes widened in recognition as memories of the past day and night flooded his senses.

//Forgive me, Master. I didn't mean to cause you any trouble. I had no idea what was happening, I didn't realise I had my shields up...//

//I'm glad you're back here with me, Obi-Wan. That's all that matters.//

//Will I still have to see the healers?//

//Yes. I insist you be thoroughly checked. I couldn't...take such a...shock again.//

Obi-Wan glanced at his Master in wonder...suddenly, unbidden, words formed before him, words he had believed he had been told while he was...at that dark place...

//Did you...say you...cared...//

He couldn't quite bring himself to say it. It would seem so final.

//I did say I love you, Obi-Wan.// The startlingly blue eyes sparkled with deeper emotions...

Obi-Wan felt his heart bursting with happiness, gratitude, he was overwhelmed by the strength of this declaration, the force of his reaction to it. His smile lit up his face, his eyes shining with love. Qui-Gon didn't need any words to understand that his feelings were reciprocated. He opened up his arms, as his Padawan tumbled out of bed towards him and held him close. They sat there, snuggled close for what seemed like an eternity, the world fading from them, leaving them all alone, safe in each others hearts.

//I believe I said you had to see the healers.//

//I remember, Master.//

//Then let's go and have you examined...//

Qui-Gon disentangled himself from his student's strong embrace, stood up and held out his hand. Obi-Wan grinned good-humouredly, a dangerous twinkle in his eyes as he took the offered hand and allowed himself to be pulled up.

//Wouldn't you like to examine me yourself?//

//I most certainly will...later.//

The young man laughed outright as his short hair was ruffled affectionately, his voice muffled a moment later by the soft pressure of his Master's lips on his.

//I thought we had to drop by at the healers...//

//Later, Padawan, later...//

The End

When You Say Nothing At All

It's amazing how you can speak right to my heart
Without saying a word, you can light up the dark
Try as I may I can never explain, what I hear when 
You don't say a thing

The smile on your face lets me know that you need me 
There's a truth in your eyes saying you'll never leave me
The touch of your hand says you'll catch me wherever I fall
You say the best, when you say nothing at all

All day long I can hear people talking out loud
But when you hold me near, you drown out the crowd
Try as they may they can never define
What's been said between your heart and mine

The smile...
The smile...
You say the best when you say nothing at all...