Disclaimers: These aren't the boys you're looking for, Mr
Lucas. </waves hand>
Summary: A young Padawan learns that a Jedi's lot involves
personal sacrifices.
Category: Humour. Allegedly.
Comments: This arose out of observations based on Black Rose's
artwork, and in particular that she doesn't seem to hold the
usual American view of men. In fact, she's positively European
on this aspect. So it's dedicated to her with love. Thanks also
to Smitty for the heckling from the peanut gallery while this
was being written.
Rating: PG-ish.
Warnings: Not really, apart from the demented author one. Trust
me on this one.
Obi-Wan Kenobi flattened himself against a wall and deftly
ducked under his new Master's arms. At 13 years old, he had
often bemoaned his small size and his slender physique, but for
once, he was grateful that he was a scrawny runt.
"Stand still, Obi-Wan," panted Qui-Gon.
"No," he yelled, keeping a firm clutch on the waistband of his
leggings. "You're not coming near me with that thing! It's
huge!"
"It's a perfectly normal size, I assure you, Padawan," said the
Jedi Master. "We've all had to do it, you know. I remember my
own Master..."
"Master Yoda?" shrieked Obi-Wan. "You let him do...?" His voice
trailed off in mingled shock and disgust. He stopped for a
moment, and Qui-Gon seized his opportunity and grasped the boy
firmly by the shoulder.
"Drop them," he ordered.
"Won't. It's disgusting, it's unnatural and I can't believe
you'd do that to me against my will."
"It's the will of the Force, Padawan. Besides, it won't hurt
much. We have this special gel that makes it much easier."
"It's against my native culture."
Qui-Gon sighed. "Obi-Wan, you have no native culture. We
can't remember where we found you and all your records say
'generic human'. As far as you're concerned, the Jedi Temple is
your native culture and this is most certainly native to there.
All human male Padawans are circumcised when chosen, and that's
that."
"But I'm not Jewish!" wailed Obi-Wan.
"Neither am I. But Yoda is and he insisted. He says it's more
hygienic."
"I'll wash really carefully! Every day! You can't do this to
me!" squeaked an increasingly desperate Obi- Wan.
"It's not just hygiene, Padawan," replied Qui-Gon. "It's part
of the sacrifice of the Jedi. We have to sacrifice
something as a symbol of our dedication to the Force."
"But with your lightsabre? What if it slips?"
"I have it on a low setting, and I assure you I have plenty of
practice. What happened with Xanatos could have happened to
anyone. I said to him, 'Look, it's only a couple of inches
missing, no-one will ever notice', but he brooded on it."
Obi-Wan gaped at Qui-Gon. "I'm only 13 years old. A couple of
inches is all I have!"
A strange look crossed Qui-Gon's face. "Funny, that's what
Xanatos said too. He did always harp on inconsequential
matters."
Obi-Wan looked as if he was about to expire from apoplexy.
"Look, Padawan," said Qui-Gon in a reasonable tone of voice.
"Do you want to be a Jedi Knight or do you want to be a
farmer?"
Obi-Wan sniffled. "Jedi," he muttered.
"Then custom demands that you make a sacrifice. Is it too much
to ask?"
"But does it have to be that sacrifice, Master?" begged
Obi-Wan. He gazed up at his master with pleading, tear-filled
eyes.
"Well," said Qui-Gon, pondering the matter. "There are
alternatives. But personally I think they're worse."
"Such as?" asked Obi-Wan, wondering what could possibly be
worse.
"Emasculation used to be popular in the old days." Obi-Wan
blanched. "I believe losing a right hand still has its
adherents among those from Tatooine." Obi-Wan nervously flexed
his hand, as though to assure himself of its continued
attachment. "And of course, there's the haircut."
"Haircut?" Obi-Wan perked up.
"Trust me, Padawan, you don't want to go for the haircut."
Obi-Wan thought back to the Temple and the strange fashions
among the Padawans, a source of much amusement to the
Initiates.
"You mean," he mimicked a buzz cut and a braid hanging from one
ear. "That's the option?" Suddenly he understood why the
Padawans had never responded to the taunts from the Initiates.
Qui-Gon nodded. "Horrific, isn't it?" he said with a solemn
face. "You have to wear that haircut until you are knighted,
with no complaints, and tolerate every taunt without
retaliating. Whereas one quick snip, and all your problems
would be solved."
Obi-Wan shuddered at the reminder. "Possibly permanently. I'd
rather have the haircut, Master."
"Are you sure, Padawan? It's a tough decision."
"When I consider the alternative, Master, it's not a decision
at all."
Qui-Gon nodded. "In that case, will you please fetch the
clippers from my room?"
"Yes, Master," said Obi-Wan and trotted off with alacrity.
Qui-Gon smiled at his Padawan's enthusiasm. Briefly he wondered
what he'd do if an apprentice ever called him on this ruse.
Thumbing through his copy of "Jedi Masters For Dummies", he
flicked to the next chapter "What To Do When Your Apprentice
Finds Out That Your Previous, Turned Apprentice, Is In Fact An
Actor Hired To Con Him Into Keeping On The Straight And
Narrow". Oh well, he'd cross that bridge when he got to it.
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