Category: Angst, AU, drama. Sequel to "Dissolution"
Rating: R
Pairing: Q/O, Q/other, O/other
Warnings: Angsty sad stuff ahead, beware! Appearance of
Bastard!Insane!Qui-Gon.
Spoilers: see below
Feedback appreciated
Disclaimers: I don't own them, for which they are probably
grateful. No offense meant, blah blah blah. I'm not making any
money off this, please don't sue.
Notes: "Dissolution" was set about 8 years post-TPM. But Naboo
never happened, no one here has heard of Anakin or any Chosen
One. ;) Qui left Obi to bond with Mace, leaving Obi alone and
distraught.
Thanks to Hildegard for reading over the fic for me and HUGE
HUGE thanks to Smitty for the wonderful beta!
Summary: Obi-Wan writes in his journal.
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Character death and non-consensual sex ahead.
Well, journal, it's been a while since I've written anything
in you. Been too busy, I suppose. The Council has made sure to
keep me busy and away from Coruscant as often as possible, ever
since Qui-Gon and Mace's bonding. I suppose that's Mace's way
of making sure Qui never comes back to me. Not that I want him
back anyway. Why would I want someone who stomped all over my
heart? No, thank you.
Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, I've been busy. Mission to
mission to mission. They've been rather interesting actually
and have served to keep my mind off of Qui and Mace. Dammit, I
might not want him back but it still pains me to think of them
together.
Enough of that. This next mission looks to be even more
interesting. I'm being sent to Maxell Prime to negotiate a
delicate boundary dispute. The negotiations themselves are
basically run of the mill, but I've heard that Maxell Prime has
some of the most beautiful waterfalls in all the galaxy. I hope
to get to spend time at them. But this time I'm not being sent
alone, the Council believes I need some help. Or maybe they
think the other knight needs some help. Either way, on this
trip I have a partner. I think his name is Alexis or Alec or
something like that. Knight Grafx will have to do; I'm sure
he'll introduce himself to me in the morning. I've never heard
of him, he must not have been in my creche group. It will be a
long trip out there; we'll have lots of ground to cover before
arriving on planet.
Well, back from the mission. It was...interesting. Knight
Alexi Grafx. That was his name. Is his name, I mean. He's not
dead or anything. The mission was a success. And we actually
had a few days to travel around the planet and see its natural
beauty. I must say the reports were inaccurate. The waterfalls
are SO much more beautiful than their description. I had a good
time. Probably the best I've had since....well, since Qui
dumped me. And Alexi is really an interesting man. He's about
my age - I don't know how we never ended up meeting before. We
spent a lot of time together on planet and on our way home to
Coruscant. Maybe I've finally found a new friend? Oh, don't I
sound like a child in the creche, going to find new playmates!
Another day, another mission. Nothing really of importance has
happened lately, it's all rather normal and ordinary. Quite
shocking - after all, for so long my life was decidedly not
normal. I was always flittering around the galaxy, Qui's
shadow. Never in one place for too long. And then everything
that happened with the Council, and Mace and Qui. Ah well, at
least now I'm back in my quarters and life is...well, life is
good. I'd better go, Alexi will be here any minute.
Oh my. Oh, journal, I never thought...I never thought things
could be like that with anyone else. I always thought Qui was
my one and only, that he was the end-all be-all when it came to
sex. But Alexi...oh, that was amazing. I've never felt so
connected to someone, felt anything so right before in
my life. It's a thousand times more intense than anything I had
with him. Maybe it's because Alexi never tries to hide anything
from me. Plus, he accepts me for who I am, never trying to
change me or ignore my talents. It was so frustrating on
missions with Qui. "Live in the here and nowÓ, "don't
center on your anxietiesÓ, "do what I tell you and don't
think for yourself.Ó Well, all right, he never actually
said that last one. He just acted it out every day we were
together. Why was it so difficult for him to acknowledge that
perhaps my talents in the Force were different from his? That
sometimes I did see things he didn't. I do have a sense
of prescience after all, something he doesn't have. I'm strong
in the Unifying Force, he's strong in the Living Force. But he
shouldn't have ignored the Unifying simply because he didn't
see it. I never thought he was full of shit when he talked
about the Living Force, he could have extended me the same
courtesy.
Why the hell am I arguing with myself about Qui now? Back to
Alexi. Anyway, journal, he's...he's amazing. Thank the Force we
were partnered on that mission. I think I truly do love him.
I suppose life does go on - I'm so glad I got over that
feeling sorry and depressed for myself stage. If I'd let Alexi
pass me by, I know I'd be truly miserable now, probably still
pining over that idiot.
He said YES!!!! We're to be bonded in front of the Council
tomorrow. I don't think I've had such a huge grin on my face
since I was knighted.
The ceremony went well, and, to be honest, everything is
better than I thought it would ever be. It's so nice to have
someone who actually respects me and my thoughts and abilities.
I know it probably sounds like I'm constantly comparing him
with Qui, but honestly it's not true. Only when I sit down to
write does that seem to come out.
Mmmm, Alexi's calling me, and I swear I saw him buy whipped
cream and cherries earlier. Life is good for me.
Oh, and I found out today that Mace tossed Qui over for some
new young Knight. Broke the bond and everything. It's the talk
of the Temple. I know I shouldn't be smug or happy over another
person's suffering. But. Well, I'm only human! I can't help but
be a little, well, ecstatic. All I can think is "what goes
around comes around.Ó Okay, enough of that, I'm not
truly happy that Qui is probably hurting. But I can still smile
about it every once in a while.
Later, I hear cherries calling my name.
Qui-Gon came and spoke to me today.
He actually searched me out, I could tell it wasn't an
accident that he ran into me.
He said something about how happy he was for me, for my
bonding with Alexi.
But...something seemed a little off about him.
Maybe he's just depressed - Force knows I was when our
relationship ended. He just seemed...I can't explain it. It was
something in the way he looked at me. It made me feel
uncomfortable. Very uncomfortable. I'm glad I was on my way to
a meeting with the Council; I really didn't want to spend any
more time with him than was necessary.
He 'ran' into me again today.
And he looked at me the same way - it was, well, it was almost
as though he were lusting after me. I don't know, maybe I'm
being foolish. Maybe it was just an innocent meeting. But I
find it strange that he's run into me twice in two weeks, when
I hadn't seen him more than once in the months since our
break-up.
Ah well, it's probably just a coincidence. But I think I'll be
watching for him - I can't tell why, but my senses are telling
me not to be alone with him. I know I'll definitely be
following the Force in this.
Must go now, Alexi leaves for a solo mission in the morning.
He'll be gone a few weeks and I'll be off to another
negotiation before he gets back. It will probably be a few
months before we see each other again, so we've got to make
sure this lasts.
He's lost it.
The old man has gone crazy from Mace leaving him, he must
have.
He found me again today. Cornered me in a training room. And
he...
He wanted me to go back to him!
I couldn't believe it. It was all I could do not to laugh in
his face. I was speechless, I can't believe that he really
thought I would say yes. He kept telling me what a mistake he
had made, how wrong he had been, and now that we were both
alone we could go back to the way we were.
Alone!
He knew Alexi was away for a mission - he apparently thought I
was some sort of a whore to cheat around on my bondmate.
I don't do things like that. I love Alexi and I would
never hurt him the way Qui hurt me. And especially not for
something as meaningless as sex with Qui-Gon.
I told him this and he looked as though he was shocked. The
man has lost his mind, to think that I would leave the man I
love for him. I turned and left the training room and went back
to my quarters. There was a message waiting for me from Alexi -
he'd felt my shock when I'd gotten Qui's "proposal.Ó I
called him up on the com unit and spoke with him, telling him
what Qui had suggested. There must be something wrong with that
man, to think I would really cheat on Alexi!
I don't know whether to be shocked or disgusted or to just
laugh.
I think I'll do all three.
But most of all I think I'll make sure to avoid Qui-Gon Jinn
from now on.
He keeps harassing me.
I must have run into him at least five times before I left for
my mission. Qui-Gon almost seems desperate now - I don't know
what's wrong with him. Once I returned from my mission I
thought he would stop - Alexi was home as well. But he just
keeps on. Always wanting me to go back to him. I swear, if he
comes near me one more time I'm going to the Council. This is
getting ridiculous.
Alexi and I were planning on a quiet night at home to
celebrate our homecoming and our first anniversary, but I think
I'd rather leave the Temple for a while. Go out for a nice
quiet dinner away from here and not think about Qui-Gon Jinn.
They weren't paying attention.
They were all over each other and they weren't paying
attention, not to their surroundings or to the Force. All they
could think about was each other - their love and their
love-making, which was about to commence
Which is why they didn't see it coming.
Didn't hear it coming.
Alexi walked into the bedroom, carrying Obi-Wan in his arms,
his lover's legs around his hips. They were kissing, feeling
each other - they couldn't keep their hands off each other.
They didn't need to, they were bonded, they were in love. They
knew they always would be in love. Alexi tossed Obi-Wan down on
the bed, intent on getting his clothes off as quickly as he
could -
But suddenly there was a green shaft of light on his chest.
Sticking through his chest.
Alexi saw it and gasped. Obi-Wan saw it and screamed. And
then...then all hell broke loose in Obi-Wan's mind.
The sudden shocking death of his bondmate, the man he loved -
that was bad enough. But it was the sickly intrusion he felt in
his mind - the feel of something crawling over the fading
remnants of his bond with Alexi - that caused him to scream
incoherently.
He felt something reach into his mind and grab the bond,
squeeze it, try to crush it. He felt himself being thrown about
mentally, until his mind's eye looked around and realized he
was in a prison, a prison in his own mind. There was a window
in the prison - he could look out and see the world, feel his
body, but it seemed as though he couldn't control anything
anymore. Not his limbs or his mouth or even his thoughts.
And then the new intrusion spoke to him.
Oh, my Obi...my sweet precious Obi...I knew you'd never
truly abandon me, I knew you didn't mean those things you said.
I knew you'd forgive me for my dalliance with Mace. I just knew
you'd come around and realize you still loved me!
He recognized that voice, could hear his old master. And he
beat against the doors of his prison, as hard as he could, to
no avail.
We're going to be together forever now, my Obi. Now and
forever. When you tell the Council that we found each other
again and that your poor friend here killed himself over it,
they will believe you. Because our love was always so strong. I
knew we could get past my little mistake. I knew you wouldn't
really prefer to stay with him over me. I'm your master, your
one true love. I know you better than you know yourself. And
believe me, this is what you want. Now, I hear the guards
coming...someone must have felt your friend's death. Sit up and
be ready!
Obi-Wan felt his body obeying, sitting up with no conscious
thought of his own. He saw the doors break down and the guards
stop in shock at the sight of Alexi's body. Obi-Wan looked down
at his bondmate and though he could not find his voice, inside
he was howling in grief. The guards asked what had happened and
Obi-Wan opened his mouth to tell them how Qui-Gon had gone
insane, had murdered his lover and bondmate.
"He killed himself when he caught me in bed with...well, with
my love. With my Qui-Gon.Ó Obi-Wan couldn't believe the
words that came out of his mouth. It sounded like his voice -
but they certainly weren't his thoughts. He decided to try
again.
"He couldn't take the fact that Qui-Gon and I had found our
way back to each other after our trifling little fight.Ó
Trifling? What the hell was coming out of his mouth? He felt
Qui-Gon sit beside him and put his arms around him. His mind
crawled in revulsion but his body sank into the embrace.
"Please, may I take my lover out of here? Back to our
quarters? He felt no ill will towards the young man and he is
distraught that it ended so badly,Ó Qui-Gon said. The
guards agreed and, before Obi-Wan could put anything together,
he was sitting in the middle of Qui-Gon's bed.
He sat as still as a stone. He tried to will his body to stand
up, to get up, to leave...but nothing happened - it was as
though he had no control over his own body anymore. He couldn't
remember the walk back to Qui-Gon's quarters. All he remembered
was a white staticky period and then he was here in the middle
of the bed. Sitting and waiting.
Qui-Gon sat next to him and began fondling him. Oh, Obi,
you don't know how I've dreamed of this. I knew it was a
mistake to be with that Windu person, but I thought I had hurt
you too badly for you to ever take me back. I'm so glad I was
wrong.
While he spoke to Obi-Wan's mind, his hands roamed over more
and more of the younger man's flesh. To Obi-Wan's horror, he
felt his body start to gradually respond. {What's wrong with
me? Why can't I do anything? Why can't I move? And why am I
getting hard at this murderer's touch?}
Qui-Gon was exploring Obi-Wan's body with ease, pulling his
clothes off and nuzzling his flesh. The more he licked and
suckled at his former padawan, the more Obi-Wan realized that
he could move...just a little bit. As Qui-Gon laved his
nipple, Obi-Wan concentrated hard on the Force, intent on
smashing the large, heavy vase across the room into Qui-Gon's
head.
Finally, the vase began to move. It flew through the air and,
just as it was about to crash into Qui-Gon, the man turned and
saw the object coming towards him. He easily deflected it with
the Force and jumped up to stand in front of Obi-Wan, his eyes
full of anger and madness.
"I WAS GOING TO BE GOOD TO YOU!!!Ó he bellowed. "This
was going to be our second chance and now you've RUINED it! You
were supposed to be quiet and loving. You were supposed to love
me again, not try to kill me! I want you back. I have you back.
You are going to STAY with me. I wanted this to be pleasurable
for both of us, but now you're forcing my hand. You will
love me again, even if I have to implant every thought in your
head. You are MINE, Obi-Wan Kenobi. You have been mine since
you were thirteen years old and you will always be mine.
Never, ever think otherwise. Simply because I leave for a few
months does not mean you can go around whoring yourself out to
any slutty little Knight that asks. I saw you with him in the
halls, in the dining area, in the salles. You were shameless! A
complete tramp, all over him where anyone could see. Where
I could see. You wanted that didn't you, whore? You
wanted me to see you and be jealous. It worked - and now you're
back, back where you belong, back with me where you always
should be. And if you won't do it completely willingly now,
then you will with time.Ó
Obi-Wan stared in horror at the man who had once been his
master and bondmate. He had known something was wrong with the
man but he had never expected total insanity. He opened his
mouth to try and reason with him...and realized that once again
he could not speak his own mind.
"Ah. I see you want to speak, do you? Well, that's just too
bad. I can't have you telling anyone what happened tonight, can
I? I wanted this to be perfect. But trust you to make it more
difficult than it has to be. Now I need to make sure that you
won't try and dice me up with the Force while we're making
love. So here. A shiny new collar just for you.Ó With
that, Qui-Gon snapped the collar around Obi-Wan's neck. The
knight immediately felt the collar's Force dampening effects.
He tried to reach up with his hands to take the foul thing off,
but he still could not move. All he could feel was that slimy
presence in his mind and Qui-Gon's voice in his ears.
Qui-Gon leaned down and whispered in his ear. "Now, now, my
precious one, I'm going to make you remember everything about
our love that was so wonderful and perfect. You remember how
when we came together, it was like magic? I want that again. I
want that between us again. And I know that you want it too.
But, just in case...Ó Obi-Wan felt himself picked up by
invisible hands and deposited further up on the bed. He felt
his hands jerked away from his sides and trapped against the
bedpost. He saw Qui-Gon fasten his wrists to the manacles
already hanging there. Once again, he felt the invisible hands
clawing and pulling his clothing away, while in front of him
Qui-Gon quickly stripped.
{This can't be happening,} Obi-Wan thought. {This cannot be
happening, I must be dreaming or something...}
"You're not dreaming, my Obi-Wan. Oh, my love, you're so
perfect, so beautiful in every way...and I've waited so long
for this, wanted so badly to take you once again...you're such
a whore I'm sure you don't even need to be prepared
anymore...Oh, gods look at your cock, it's beautiful. You're
beautiful. How could you not want our love again? Ah, there,
that's right...now, hold still...and...OH FORCE you're tight,
tighter than I remember...stop it, Obi, stop screaming in my
head, I don't want to have to gag you as well. Now, now, those
don't sound like very lustful thoughts...I can tell you want
this, look at your cock, it's weeping for me. It's so hard and
beautiful...I wish I were more flexible, so that I could suck
it while I make love to you...nnghh...you're tight, so much
tighter than before...Ahhhhh...yes, that's it, squirm a little
bit, I know you love this, I know you do, you always loved it
before and STOP it. STOP screaming in my head. I told you to
stop it, dammit. Look, I know you're not in pain, I'm not in
pain, see the inside of my head? This feels so good. Sooooooo
good. I know it feels just as good for you...here, put your
legs up higher....Ahhhhh, yes, that's it, that's it, that's
it....OH! Oh, Gods, OBI!Ó
Qui-Gon collapsed on top of his victim, fully sated, lost in
the warm post-orgasmic haze. Obi-Wan lay there, trembling
slightly, and tried to fight off Qui-Gon's influence and
control over his mind. And found that even now, when Qui-Gon
was at his most vulnerable, he was unable to fight him away.
Obi-Wan tried to pull away, to at least get Qui-Gon's body off
of him, but when he tried to move all he felt were shooting
pains in his body. He lay back and managed to push Qui-Gon to
the side a little bit. As terrible as Obi-Wan felt, as sick as
he was in mind and body, he was eventually able to fall into an
exhaustive sleep.
When Obi-Wan awoke the next morning, Qui-Gon was standing over
him. Trying to move, Obi-Wan discovered he was once again at
Qui-Gon's mercy. He realized that the collar was no longer on
his neck - he must be controlled completely through this
distorted, forced bond. Qui-Gon looked down at him and told him
that they were wanted in front of the Council to answer
questions on their behavior. He hoped that this might be his
chance, a way to get away from Qui-Gon. Surely the Council
would be able to see through Qui-Gon's manipulation of his mind
and body?
The next thing Obi-Wan knew, he was standing in front of the
Council. Once again he remembered a white staticky fog - he
assumed that Qui-Gon did this when he wanted to be sure there
would be no argument, no chance for him to escape. He 'awoke'
looking straight at Yoda, with Mace Windu sitting to his side.
Mace was staring at Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan with barely-disguised
disgust. Yoda was little better, although there Obi-Wan sensed
sadness behind his gruff exterior.
"Qui-Gon Jinn and Obi-Wan Kenobi, you have been brought here
to answer questions related to your activities last night and
to the death of Knight Alexi Grafx.Ó Obi-Wan's heart
clenched at his love's name. In the horror of the evening
before he had almost convinced himself it was a dream, that his
Alexi wasn't dead.
The Council asked them questions about what had happened and
why 'they' had done what 'they' did. Several times during their
questioning, Qui-Gon directly influenced Obi-Wan's words and
movements. When he was not controlling him directly, he kept
him aware but unable to speak out. Every time he forced him to
say anything, Obi-Wan watched the Councilors. And saw that they
didn't see it.
They didn't know.
They couldn't see what Qui-Gon had done to him, what he was
doing to him.
Obi-Wan had to stand there and listen to them berate him and
censure him for his 'callous disregard for his bonded status.'
He didn't recall Qui-Gon having to answer to such charges when
he did away with their bond. He knew that if Mace had not been
on the Council the questioning would have been nothing more
than a light gathering of facts. Instead Obi-Wan had to listen
to them blame him for the death of his mate, while the murderer
stood next to him. Listen to them question every single detail
- he didn't know how Qui-Gon was able to keep him under his
control, answer the Council, and keep his actions from them. He
had never before realized how powerful Qui-Gon was. And it was
in that moment that he was first utterly terrified. His mind
was racing with possibilities, trying to find any way to escape
- and he was coming up with nothing. Absolutely nothing.
After the questioning, the Council reprimanded them and told
them they would be sent on a mission in a few weeks. Until then
they were supposed to work on their 'bond' and meditate on
their actions and their consequences. They left and all Obi-Wan
could remember after that was the huge smile on Qui-Gon's face
and the leer in his eyes. Then Qui-Gon took him back to his
quarters and raped him again.
And again.
And again.
And all the while Obi-Wan was in the prison of his mind, able
to feel what was happening to his body, trying to get out and
having no success, watching and praying that someone somewhere
would please, please help him.
It had been nearly a year. Nearly a year since Qui-Gon had
killed his love and taken him as his prisoner. For that year
Obi-Wan was constantly in Qui-Gon's presence. If Qui-Gon ever
had to leave him alone for any reason, he slapped on the collar
and tied him to the bed. Or tied him up and put him in the
closet. As bad as that was...at least for a few minutes he
could think clearly, with no white fog over his thoughts. He
could never untie himself or escape, however, although Force
knows he tried.
Qui-Gon never had to keep up appearances in their quarters,
unless he felt the need to convince himself again that Obi-Wan
loved him. They'd never had a visitor in the past year. The two
had been completely ostracized from the Jedi - none of the
other knights, masters, or even padawans would so much as speak
to them.
Obi-Wan was so tired. He prayed every night for this to end,
for the Force to take him and end this torment. Qui-Gon took
him whenever he felt like it, whenever he wanted to hurt him or
love him or whatever he decided to call it that night. Obi-Wan
was surprised that Qui-Gon had fooled the Council and the rest
of the Jedi for so long. He was completely insane. They'd even
been sent on several missions. To a casual observer, it looked
as though Obi-Wan was helping and negotiating right alongside
Qui-Gon. Only he knew that Qui-Gon controlled every word that
came out of his mouth, every move he made.
They'd just returned from another lengthy mission, one that
had not been particularly successful, resulting in their being
called in front of the Council. When they arrived, Qui-Gon was
ordered to wait outside while Obi-Wan was questioned first.
Differing reports had come in from the planet they had been on
and the Council wanted to get their impressions separately.
Obi-Wan stepped inside the Council chambers and the huge doors
shut behind him.
And he was suddenly in bliss.
Qui-Gon was gone.
Just like that.
He was no longer a major presence in Obi-Wan's mind.
Obi-Wan gasped at the sensation and fell to his knees. The
Council was very confused and Depa Billaba came forward to find
out what was wrong with him.
"Knight Kenobi, what is it? What is wrong?Ó she asked,
with a look of confusion and concern on her face.
Obi-Wan looked up at her, tears streaming down his face. He
started to speak, "The chambers...they're heavily shielded,
aren't they?Ó
"Oh!Ó she exclaimed. "Oh, my, we forgot about your
bonded status, we must open the doors at once. Qui-Gon must be
frantic!Ó
"NO!!!!Ó he reached out to grab her, to stop her, to
keep Qui-Gon away from him. "Don't let him in, please, he's
finally out of my head, keep him out, keep him out, keep him
out!!!Ó
He knew that he was nearly hysterical at the relief of
Qui-Gon's absence and that he was probably worrying the
Council, but he didn't care, couldn't care. Qui-Gon was out of
his head and all he wanted was to keep him out.
"No, you can't open the doors, he killed him, he killed
him!Ó Obi-Wan shouted, finally able to tell what that
bastard had done to his bondmate all those months ago.
Ki Adi Mundi leaned forward in his seat. "Killed who, young
Knight? One of the ambassadors on the planet? Who?Ó
"My Alexi...he killed my Alexi, my love, and he forced his way
in my head and I couldn't get him out, couldn't get rid of him,
couldn't tell anyone what had happened,Ó he sobbed.
"Please don't open those doors, please, please, please,
don't!Ó
The Council members were shocked and returned to their seats
to listen, after one of them called to the guards outside to
keep an eye on Qui-Gon, to make sure he went nowhere.
And so Obi-Wan was finally able to recount the entire story,
of how Qui-Gon had murdered Alexi and forced a bond on him,
then kept him as his slave/pet for the past year. By the time
he finished he was resting in the arms of one of the Councilors
- he wasn't sure which one. But he remembered Master Yoda
coming up to him and asking if it was all right for him to do a
mind probe to break the bond Qui-Gon had forged. He felt a
little tickle in the corners of his mind and then suddenly
Qui-Gon was completely gone.
He'd never felt such overwhelming relief.
Well, journal, it's been more than a year since I last wrote
in here...I'm back from the healers finally, back in my own
quarters.
Alone.
Alone in my head, alone in my room. I was so relieved over the
absence of Qui-Gon from my mind that it was a few days before
the loss of Alexi truly hit me. I miss him so much. I mean, I
missed him while I was forced to be with Qui-Gon, but I was
never able to properly grieve, to really know what I had lost.
During that time I had already lost so much...
My quarters are so empty and quiet now.
I'm alone.
Today is Qui-Gon's trial and sentencing.
The Council told me I didn't really have to be there, that
they had verified my memories and there was no question he was
to be convicted.
But I have to go. For myself, for Alexi, for some sort of
closure, I suppose.
It won't be easy to see him again; I'm fairly trembling just
at the thought of it.
But I have to go.
He's going to be put to death.
I'm not particularly surprised - after all he did murder a
comrade and imprison and rape another, but I know he was not
expecting it.
He proclaimed his innocence up until the very end. He seemed
shocked and stunned that he was being tried. He must truly have
gone insane - the healers want to take a look at him to try and
find out what exactly happened to cause this.
I don't know if they'll find anything.
The trial was difficult, not only to sit and hear the crimes
against me being recounted, but to have to sit there with other
Jedi. They came up to me and treated me as though I had never
been ostracized, talked to me as though we were all old
friends. If they'd acted ashamed of their actions then I might
possibly have been fine with it, but they didn't. I didn't even
get one "sorryÓ from the lot of them.
I was disgusted. I'd never realized what complete and total
hypocrites the Jedi could be. No one ostracized Qui-Gon and
Mace when they broke a bond and ran off together. But then
again neither Qui nor myself was a Council member, so we were
actually responsible for our actions. Supposedly. I just
believe that if we had been around other Jedi more often, in
more 'social' settings, then someone would have realized what
was happening...would have known what he was doing to me. Or at
least suspected! Sometimes, at night when he was tired, I could
actually say a few words. I could never move on my own, but
those few times I was able to try and convince him to let me
go. If we'd been around even one other person during those
times...
It's no good for me to be playing 'what-if'. It's unlikely he
would have allowed us to be around others when he knew he was
getting tired. But still, sometimes I wonder.
The execution is set for tomorrow.
He's gone.
It's been another two months since my freedom. I'm still going
to the soul-healers twice a week and I haven't been cleared to
go on any missions yet. Which is fine with me, I'm not
particularly eager to get back out there to solve other
peoples' problems when I can't even deal with my own yet.
Although leaving the Temple for a while would be nice.
I think I'm lonelier now than I was when Qui-Gon had me,
lonelier than I was after he had dumped me. I just...I just
can't really bear to be around many of the other Jedi. I
practice on my own, I train on my own, I take my meals on my
own, and most nights I spend alone in my quarters. It's one of
those other things the soul-healer wants me to 'work on' - my
unease around other Jedi, my anger towards them for not seeing
what was happening and stopping it. He speaks as though I
should just blame Qui-Gon one hundred percent for everything,
to not feel resentment over their ostracizing. Perhaps he's
right. It's not fair of me to blame them for this, Qui-Gon was
a Jedi Master after all. But knowing that and getting over it
are two very different things.
Still haven't gotten even one "sorryÓ from the lot of
them.
Well, I did get that from the Councilors, but from the
regular, normal Jedi - nothing. Today I saw one of my old
friends, Garen, from back in my initiate and padawan days, and
he was so uncomfortable in my presence it was practically a
tangible thing. I know he's heard the story - the rumors went
around the Temple for weeks. I spoke with him for perhaps five
minutes before he excused himself and ran off. When we were
youths, he was one of my best friends. And now... Why is it so
hard for someone to treat me like a normal human being?
I've been thinking a lot about Alexi lately. I meditate on him
nearly every night, I miss him so much. Some days...some days I
wish that Qui-Gon had just killed me as well, so that now I
would be with my Alexi. Sometimes, when he was beating me, I
tried to make him angrier so that he would go too far and kill
me. He never did, and I didn't do that often - I did have some
self-preservation after all - but sometimes I wanted him to. I
wanted for the torment to end and I couldn't see how I was
going to get out of it. I've never been so completely hopeless
as I was during that time. Thank the Force the Council has
triple shielding on the chambers. I don't know what would have
happened otherwise.
Yes I do.
I would have probably given up. Maybe not anytime soon, but
eventually. Maybe even gone as insane as Qui-Gon was. Or maybe
I would have just finally gotten Qui-Gon so angry with me that
he would have finally killed me. Sometimes I have dreams that
he did kill me. I can't call them nightmares, because in my
dreams I'm happy. Happy to be away from here and with my Alexi
again.
It's not that I want to die. I don't. But when he had me, when
I was at my lowest....I sometimes prayed for it.
Another month and still the only people who treat me normally
are the Councilors. Well, except for Mace Windu. He doesn't
ever spend time alone with me, which is fine by me. Asshole.
Anyway, the only people I see really are the Councilors and
the soul-healer. I've had dinner a couple of times with Depa
Billaba. And Yoda is there for me of course. I feel badly for
him - after all Qui-Gon was his padawan. I speak with Yoda
weekly, as often as I can. I do love the little troll.
The other day I was in the showers and I heard a group of
padawans and younger knights talking about me. They didn't know
I was there, obviously, because the things they said...I've now
discovered that most of the Jedi believe I must be a
weak-minded fool to have been under Qui-Gon's control for so
long. Or that I must have 'wanted it' because I didn't fight
Qui-Gon hard enough. And that it was no wonder Qui-Gon couldn't
resist, that I walked around the Temple like a whore selling
his wares. I then had to stand there and listen to them all say
how they would love to fuck me, even if I was 'that crazy
bastard Jinn's leftovers.'
I nearly vomited right there in the showers. I've never felt
so nauseous and humiliated, not since Qui-Gon at least. I know
that when a group gets together people say things they don't
mean. But I also know that at least some of those boys did
think of me that way. And if they did, then how many others in
the Temple feel the same? That I was 'asking for it?'
No wonder that it's been nearly six months and I still can't
manage to have a decent conversation with another Jedi outside
of the Council. No matter whom I talk to, they always seem to
have to rush on right after I've started talking. Or they're so
unbelievably uncomfortable around me that I don't want
to stay around. I've been training and taking some classes
while in-Temple and I couldn't even get any of my classmates to
speak with me on a regular basis. Thank god these types of
classes don't have study groups.
I'm having dinner with Depa and a few other Councilors
tonight. She's a very kind woman and the only good thing to
come out of all of this is her friendship. She and Yoda have
been there for me these past months and I do appreciate it.
I've been thinking about dating again.
I know - it's barely been two full years since Alexi's death.
But I think that maybe I'm ready. I can't hole myself up away
from love my entire life. Plus...I think that Alexi has been
trying to visit me in my meditations. Whenever I meditate, I
get a strong feeling of him being nearby. And recently the
focus of my meditations has strayed to love. I think it might
be his way of telling me that I need to get on with my life.
I think that maybe he's right.
But I also think that I'm not going to go about dating the
same way as in the past. When I was a padawan, before I was
Qui-Gon's bondmate, I experimented with both sexes. A lot. And
very enthusiastically, I might add. I've never preferred one
sex over the other. Men and women both have attributes I
appreciate. I've always felt that you fall in love with the
person, not their gender. And it's just by chance that I've
fallen in love with a man the last two times. And this time
it's with a woman.
I don't want this to sound like I'm swearing off men. But
honestly...I don't know if I could let myself be with another
man. It's another thing Qui-Gon's ruined for me. I'd always
enjoyed anal sex. But now, just thinking about it...I don't
know if I could do it again. I...I still have nightmares about
what Qui-Gon did to me. The mind-manipulation was the worst of
it, of course...but the nightly rapes are what I still dream
about. What I still wake up in a cold sweat over, screaming at
night sometimes. The soul-healer believes that they will go
away with time and meditation. And maybe they will.
Plus...there's the physical damage to consider. The healers
told me that the nerve damage will never heal anymore than it
already has, which means that I lost about fifty percent of
feeling there. And the old bastard damaged my prostate as well
- apparently he was just a little too brutal a few too many
times. The healers have told me it's a distinct possibility
that I won't be able to have children. I'll have to deal with
that if and when I ever want to.
So, now I just have to get up enough courage to ask this woman
out on a real date. We've spent an awful lot of time together
and she is truly wonderful. But I don't know how she'll react,
after all I'm a Knight and she's a Councilor. Plus she's older
than me, which doesn't bother me at all, but it might
bother her. Not that I'm that young, I'm nearly thirty-eight
after all. I should just stop arguing with myself and go ask
her.
After all, the worst thing Depa can say is no, right?
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