Summary: Qui-Gon and marriage, deliberations on love, angst and
an explosion.
Disclaimer: The characters and universe contained within are
the property of George Lucas and his empire.
Notes: This story is *different* from much other Q/O fic. It's
very dialogue-heavy in parts and it deals with homophobia. If
you don't want to read about our beloved characters on both
sides of the issue, avoid this story.
Having said that, "A Promise is Forever" does introduce a 20th
century perspective on the Jedi. I make no apologies for this -
it's something I wanted to explore. I do apologise for using
some contrived situations and coincidences.
Thank you to Eshva who did a wonderful beta job last year.
Every suggestion was muchly appreciated and I feel the quality
of the story has been improved due to the changes.
A Promise is Forever (0/5)
By Jedi Nic (JediNic@bigfoot.com)
October 1999 (Revised June 2000)
Qui-Gon Jinn stood nervously at the pulpit, wringing his hands
together. Before him was a sea of faces, all watching him
expectantly and he found himself wondering why; for some
strange reason, his mind refused to concentrate on anything.
Jedi Master Tel Akuna, renowned spiritual adviser, slowly
intoned the words of the bonding that had been passed down over
the centuries and the noise was a pleasant distraction to
Qui-Gon's ears.
He couldn't quite believe he was here. It gave him an eerie
sensation to be taking part in the ancient rites. Qui-Gon
glanced over and noticed that Mace Windu, too, was trembling.
Hiding a small smile, Qui-Gon again marvelled over the fact
that Mace had actually decided to get married. The two had
known each other for decades and always, Mace had been adamant
that he would never undergo a formal ceremony. He'd declared
that he was married to his way of life and no love would ever
change his mind.
Of course, everything was so different now. Mace looked
resplendent in his best Jedi robes and remembering his own
appearance in the mirror, Qui-Gon felt he looked marginally
presentable. Obi-Wan had certainly agreed, not saying so with
words, but the shy look of adoration was more than enough for
Qui-Gon to know. Jedi, so often in formless garments, wore only
the best for a wedding.
As he thought of Obi-Wan, a small pang shot through his heart.
Obi-Wan would have so loved to have been a part of this
ceremony but Mace didn't want it. Qui-Gon shot a quick glance
at the congregation, seeing the calm face of his apprentice in
the second row. Obi-Wan didn't often smile - he was a very
serious young man - and Qui-Gon couldn't help but wish Obi-Wan
would show just a little joy at this occasion.
"Qui-Gon Jinn," intoned Tel Akuna, "are you prepared?"
"Yes Master," he answered her reverently, with the respect the
formal ceremony deserved. He turned to face Mace, who held out
his hands.
From a pocket of his own voluminous robe, Qui-Gon produced the
small jewellery box which contained the ring. Almost
worshipfully, he brought it out and held it high. "The symbol
of love," he recited, as he had been taught. He quickly met
Mace's eyes, seeing a little fear in them, but the fear was
overshadowed by love. This was the moment.
The ring flashed in the streaming sunlight for a moment and
then Qui-Gon bought it down to Mace's outstretched hands. "May
the Force be with you, my friend," he said, and the ring was
accepted with a grateful smile. Mace then turned to face Jedi
Marisse Tulla, his beautiful bride. Qui-Gon almost breathed a
sigh of relief. His part of the ceremony was over and he hadn't
done anything to embarrass either himself or his long-time
friend. He could now enjoy watching the rest of the wedding.
Marisse's attendant repeated the short ritual Qui-Gon had just
completed by passing the bride's ring to her. More serious
words were uttered, the rings were exchanged, and then finally,
Tel Akuna pronounced the two Jedi bonded now and forever more.
Hearing the words brought a memory to Qui-Gon and he smiled
wistfully, remembering a time almost forgotten. Many weddings
he had seen in his life, but at age forty-one, he did not think
he would be given the chance to take part in his own rites.
He'd made a decision - and a promise - so long ago.
Marisse and Mace kissed, which brought a joyous round of
applause from the typically subdued Jedi along with the other
guests. Even Yoda was clapping happily to see his fellow
Council member finally married. All knew the match would not
hinder Mace in his duties; he would remain the same dour
person, but now with a wife to love and be with.
The formal procession from the temple began to assemble itself
and Qui-Gon took his place second in line behind the newly
married couple. He linked his arm with the attendant Arcadia
and together, they followed. The procession did not move very
quickly, every person seemed to want to stop and kiss both Mace
and Marisse in congratulations, and the embraces did not stop
with the new couple. Qui-Gon was hugged and kissed by several
exuberant relatives of Marisse's before he reached Obi-Wan.
"Master," the young man said formally, but there was an impish
glint in his eyes as he took Qui-Gon's hands and then gave him
a quick, innocent kiss on the cheek. "The ceremony went well."
"It did indeed, Padawan," Qui-Gon replied sedately. His eyes
locked with Obi-Wan's and a moment of closeness flared between
them before the procession forced him to move on.
The celebrations lasted well into the night. Qui-Gon, who had
been delegated the role of official welcomer and supporter, was
feeling tired as he crept back to his chair at the bridal
table. He always knew Mace would follow tradition to the hilt
and had been prepared for it, but after an endless evening of
speeches and socialising, Qui-Gon was ready to go home.
Yet the guests were still dancing even though the music had
slowed substantially. After the bridal waltz (it had been quite
amusing seeing Mace attempt to dance when he obviously had two
left feet) and then the wedding party's formal dance, the music
had become slightly more upbeat. Qui-Gon had been faced with a
string of partners, some were his Jedi colleagues, but most
were unattached women from either Mace's or Marisse's families.
He hadn't the heart to refuse them, and besides, it was a
little comforting to know that at his age, people still found
him attractive. Then again, Qui-Gon had a mild suspicion that
his Jedi colleagues thought that he should be married off and
were using subtle mind tricks to push women in his direction.
Ethics were often confusing when it came to matters of emotion.
Obi-Wan, too, had been dancing and of that Qui-Gon was glad.
His apprentice knew few people at the reception apart from the
members of the Jedi Council, whom Obi-Wan was a little in awe
of anyway. Still, Marisse had several young cousins who had
made sure Obi-Wan wasn't lonely. Qui-Gon reflected that he had
a very attractive young apprentice.
So lost in his thoughts was Qui-Gon that he didn't notice when
Obi-Wan sidled up to him, almost surreptitiously, to stand at
his side. "Dance with me, Master?" he whispered, his voice low
and seductive in Qui-Gon's ear.
A smile crept over Qui-Gon's face, a smile that was too
betraying and Qui-Gon was suddenly glad of the dim lighting. "I
would be honoured, Obi-Wan," he replied formally and was drawn
to his feet by two strong hands. He followed Obi-Wan to a
shadowy corner, past the many couples now locked together
during what was surely the final set of the evening.
Qui-Gon grasped Obi-Wan's hand in his own, while placing the
other gently on his apprentice's waist. Obi-Wan mirrored the
motion and soon they were swaying to the soft music, the
picture of decorum to any outside observer. They did not look
at each other, merely content to dance quietly in the shadows.
"This is nice," Obi-Wan murmured after a while. "I did not know
if I would ever get you to myself today."
"Obi-Wan, I am always yours," Qui-Gon replied sincerely.
Reaching out with the Force he sensed that no one was remotely
interested in them and so he felt free to wrap his arms around
his padawan. Obi-Wan sighed contentedly as he leaned into the
embrace, resting his head on Qui-Gon's shoulder.
"The bonding ceremony was beautiful, didn't you think?" he
asked softly.
"Yes it was," Qui-Gon replied. "Most fitting of two Jedi
pledged to each other."
"For life," Obi-Wan finished and Qui-Gon became suddenly
worried at the tone he heard in the young man's voice.
"Obi-Wan," he began, intending to warn him, but Obi-Wan paid no
attention.
"Have you ever thought about it?"
"About what?" Qui-Gon decided to pretend innocence. But his
persistent apprentice would not give up. "About a formal
bonding. Between us."
Obi-Wan lifted his head to look at Qui-Gon, the desire and
apprehension clear in his eyes. Qui-Gon hated to betray his
trust but there was nothing he could do.
"Obi-Wan, I am sorry, but that is a topic I am not comfortable
with." Qui-Gon leaned down to gently kiss his padawan's lips,
hoping to distract him from the subject. For a while it seemed
to be working; Obi-Wan leaned into the soft kiss and then
smiled blissfully as it was tenderly broken.
"I know your reservations, master. The Council, our age
difference, social acceptance, I have considered these as well.
But I ask of you, please, think of it?"
There was no way Qui-Gon could refuse the earnest young face
before him. Even with the dim lighting, Qui-Gon could see the
love shining from Obi-Wan's eyes. "I will consider it," he
conceded and was rewarded with another beautiful smile. It
almost broke Qui-Gon's heart, for he was lying to the boy yet
again.
"Dance with me, Obi-Wan," Qui-Gon said as he again pulled
Obi-Wan close as the song meandered wistfully through the last
few bars, and then ended. A light caress of Obi-Wan's face, a
last wistful kiss to his forehead, and the pair reluctantly
parted, assuming their expected formal positions as the lights
came up and the night drew to a close.
Obi-Wan closed his eyes, feeling the Force surrounding him. If
he truly reached, he could actually see the energies, not
necessarily as they were but as he interpreted them; streams of
pure light wrapping around him. Moving his arms through the
ritual positions of a meditation exercise, Obi-Wan felt strong
yet calm. He was content, even as he arched in the dance of the
Force.
Life had been good to him of late. For years Obi-Wan had loved
his master, firstly as a form of hero-worship, then as a dear
friend, and now it was something more. He loved Qui-Gon the man
in a romantic sense. After trying to hide his feelings for
quite some time, it had been both a relief and a reward to
admit his love to Qui-Gon, who had returned the sentiment with
equal passion. Obi-Wan had never been more surprised in his
life to hear the words, "I love you, Obi-Wan," fall from his
master's lips.
Since that magical evening several months ago, things had
progressed slowly, sedately, as was the way of the Jedi. It was
six weeks before they even kissed, and the first had been only
the merest brushing of lips. Qui-Gon had preferred to
concentrate on the emotional side of their relationship rather
than the physical and the pair had spent many hours in dual
meditation, reaching out to each other through the Force and
allowing the pure stream of connection to elevate them to a
higher plane of love.
Their relationship was gradual but Obi-Wan did not mind.
Knowing that he was loved was enough and even though he was an
active young man driven by the desires that accompanied his
age, Obi-Wan had no trouble mastering these through careful
manipulation of the Force, which caused Qui-Gon to become all
the more proud of him.
Closeness increased by little steps. Qui-Gon had taught Obi-Wan
just how erotic, and how passionate, mere kissing could be.
Obi-Wan smiled at the memories, knowing that there would be
future occurrences of such actions, and someday, they would
progress beyond kissing and gentle touching. He looked forward
to it, with serenity, of course. Qui-Gon was constantly telling
him to appreciate the moment.
And that was what he was supposed to be doing now, Obi-Wan
reflected to himself as he outstretched his arms above himself.
Concentrate on the moment, feel the ripples of the Force, see
them.
He could see the bright centre of himself, pulsing a deep blue
highlighted with hints of vibrant purple. Expanding his vision
to encompass the white streams of Force light, Obi-Wan could
see the warm glow of his master's form in the next room.
Serenity was the colour, green and deep, but with a reddish hue
of love Obi-Wan knew was directed at him. For long moments
Obi-Wan watched Qui-Gon's Force aura while continuing with the
meditation.
Suddenly, Obi-Wan noticed a faint ripple in the Force - almost
a shadow that seemed to be coming from beyond their room.
Obi-Wan reached for it but could find nothing and wondered if
he had imagined it, until he sensed Qui-Gon's reaction. Qui-Gon
had tensed. More than that, there was a fear emanating from
him, but a fear mixed with wonder. Obi-Wan snapped out of
meditation and jumped to his feet.
"Master?" he called, hesitantly. Qui-Gon was slow to respond,
which caused Obi-Wan to think that perhaps he'd overreacted to
something taking place far from here.
"Yes, my Obi-Wan?" Qui-Gon asked as he approached, a gentle
smile on his face. If the endearment was intended to distract
Obi-Wan, it worked only momentarily. Obi-Wan tried to reach for
his master's mind but quickly came across a tight shield. He
was about to ask about it when the door chime rang.
Obi-Wan looked at Qui-Gon. "Are you going to answer it?"
Qui-Gon had closed his eyes and again, Obi-Wan received the
impression that something was very, very wrong. His heart
beating a little faster, Obi-Wan approached the door and opened
it while Qui-Gon composed himself.
Expecting to see all manner of terrible things, Obi-Wan was
surprised to be presented with the image of a middle-aged woman
who was smiling broadly. "Hello," she said simply.
"Good afternoon," Obi-Wan replied with automatic politeness.
"Can I help you?"
"I'm looking for-" and then she broke off as Qui-Gon
approached. Their eyes met. And pure tension, or energy,
crackled between them.
Obi-Wan excused himself to one side, but neither noticed.
Qui-Gon and the woman just continued staring and it was an
action that Obi-Wan found very disconcerting, frightening,
even, because his master was completely blocking him and he had
no idea what was going on. Who was this woman? An old lover? A
relation, perhaps? Obi-Wan fervently prayed for the latter.
"Bella," Qui-Gon breathed, finally breaking the silence. "I
thought you were dead!"
The woman, Bella, smiled warmly as she finally left the haven
of the door and hesitantly embraced Qui-Gon. "Oh, it is so good
to see you!" she said softly. "I have much to tell you...."
Bella pulled back, as if suddenly remembering that Obi-Wan was
in the room and now was not the time for intimate conversation.
Qui-Gon, for his part, still looked stunned. He needed
prompting from Bella to remember to introduce Obi-Wan, who had
sidled protectively close to his master and placed a possessive
hand on his arm. "This is my Ob... ah, my apprentice," Qui-Gon
amended at the last moment. "My apprentice, Obi-Wan Kenobi.
Obi-Wan, meet Bella."
No other name was given and the omission caused Obi-Wan to
become even more concerned. It was bad enough that Qui-Gon was
hiding their own relationship, but to hide who Bella truly was?
Never had Obi-Wan felt so betrayed by the man he loved.
"Master," he began but Qui-Gon quickly interrupted.
"Padawan, Bella and I have much to discuss." It was a clear
dismissal and it hurt.
"I shall leave you alone, Master," he said respectfully, but
shot Qui-Gon a pain-filled glance. //Who is she?// he asked
through their bond as he walked towards the door.
There was no answer until he was outside the exit, about to key
it shut. And then came the reluctant, almost sorrowful answer.
//My wife.//
His wife. His wife! The notion echoed through Obi-Wan's mind a
thousand times and there was nothing he could do to shut it
off. He felt the most terrible sense of betrayal although part
of him recognised that he had no such right to feel this way.
Qui-Gon had led a long and full life well before he ever met
Obi-Wan and while Obi-Wan did not often like to dwell upon this
fact which so obviously highlighted their age differences,
nonetheless he now realised he should have asked more
questions. Qui-Gon was everything to him and surely he had a
right to know more of his master's past?
Qui-Gon was married. Obi-Wan still couldn't quite grasp the
fact, nor did he want to accept it. A terrible fear was growing
within him, fear over why Qui-Gon had kept this hidden for so
long, fear over why Qui-Gon had dismissed him so quickly with
Bella's surprise arrival. And fear because Qui-Gon had quite
deliberately cut off the natural bond that existed between them
- Obi-Wan could not even sense the man's emotions. As his
master's Padawan, not to mention love, Obi-Wan felt he should
be there to learn the truth.
He paced back and forwards through the Temple gardens, the
soothing greens doing nothing to calm his heart. Obi-Wan knew
that Qui-Gon was uncomfortable with publicising their
relationship and perhaps Bella's arrival would give him an
excuse to reduce it back to what it was, before they allowed
romantic love to intrude. There would still be love, but of the
formal kind, a love appropriate only for a master apprentice
pair and no more.
Every fibre in Obi-Wan's body screamed No! at the possibility.
It was the last thing he wanted. And so he paced, for hours on
end, trying desperately not to think about the inevitable
conversation that would soon take place, or the reunion which
was happening right now.
Finally, the call came. Qui-Gon's voice was emotionless, more
of an instruction than anything else when Obi-Wan heard the
words on his comlink. Drawing his cloak tightly around him,
Obi-Wan fought the impulse to run through the corridors and
maintained a steady pace fitting of a Jedi, but each heartbeat
seemed to match his footsteps in an inexorable march towards
doom.
When he finally reached the doors to their quarters, Obi-Wan
did not want to go in. He paused, staring at the doors,
wondering how much longer he would be permitted entry here.
They were large quarters, with two bedrooms, but for several
months now Obi-Wan had shared Qui-Gon's bed. He did not know if
he could go back to sleeping alone.
Qui-Gon barely looked up when his apprentice finally entered
the room. The master was sitting close to Bella, and the sight
of his hand clasped over the woman's sent a pang through
Obi-Wan's heart. What was worse was the amazed smile that
tugged at the corners of Qui-Gon's mouth.
"Master?" Obi-Wan began, his voice hesitant.
"Ah, Padawan. Please sit." The tone was so formal, so distant,
and Obi-Wan had no choice but to obey as he pulled up a chair
to seat himself opposite the reunited couple. He wanted
desperately to ask questions but kept his silence until Qui-Gon
himself began to speak.
"I am afraid I did not properly introduce you before, Obi-Wan.
This is Bella Jinn, my wife." Qui-Gon paused for a moment as
another bemused smile crossed his face. "Bella was lost to me
many years ago. I did not think I would see her again." It was
plain to see that Qui-Gon was delighted to be reunited with
Bella.
Obi-Wan bowed his head in a respectful greeting, grateful for
the chance to hide his eyes for a moment. It hurt to look at
Qui-Gon, it hurt so much!, and Qui-Gon wasn't even looking back
at him to see the obvious pain in his apprentice's eyes. It was
a pain Obi-Wan would do his best to hide.
"I am honoured to meet you," and then he hesitated. What to
call her? Mrs Jinn? The title sounded awkward.
As if she'd read his mind, which was entirely possible, she
said, "Please, call me Bella. I'm sure we'll get to know each
other quite well as time goes by - Qui-Gon has explained that
you're almost a son to him." There was a tinge of hurt in her
words, perhaps she regretted the idea of Qui-Gon's son that was
not her own, but Obi-Wan barely noticed this. He was burning
with anger over being called a son. A son does not share his
father's bed. A son does not love in the way he loved Qui-Gon.
Bella shot a look at Qui-Gon and he seemed to answer some
unspoken question. "Obi-Wan, do you mind sleeping on the couch
tonight and letting Bella have your room?"
Clever manipulation, Master, Obi-Wan thought bitterly as he
answered with a subdued, "Of course." As if he had any choice
of refusal.
"We shall later decide where you shall live, Obi-Wan. Bella and
I will need to become re-acquainted but rest assured, we will
not turn you out on the street."
How could he be so cold, Obi-Wan wondered. He desperately
reached out through the Force, trying to reach anything of the
man he loved, but was greeted with a thick wall. Fighting the
growing ache inside, Obi-Wan forced himself to clamp down on
the emotions. If Bella was the least bit Force sensitive, which
was highly likely given that Qui-Gon had once promised to share
his life with this woman, there was no way Obi-Wan wanted her
picking up on his unjustified hatred. He reached desperately
for the Force, for serenity, for something to keep him alive
during the next few hours of agony. And as for the rest of his
life...it was something Obi-Wan didn't even want to contemplate
at this stage.
Bella was smiling at him warmly. "I look forward to getting to
know you, Obi-Wan. I am sure you will be as great a Jedi as
your master someday."
"I shall certainly do my best," replied Obi-Wan, woodenly,
wondering just when Qui-Gon would start paying attention to
him. Or maybe it was a matter of if. Finally, he decided to
take the initiative, to be bold and ask some of the questions
that were racing through his mind. The things he most wanted to
ask, however, could not be said in Bella's presence. He still
owed Qui-Gon the illusion of privacy because he loved the man,
even if he had been so callously dropped.
"I am curious, Bella, about your sudden reappearance. Forgive
my boldness, but Master Qui-Gon has told me little and..." He
was babbling, Obi-Wan realised, and broke off, daring to meet
Bella's eyes.
"I suspect Qui-Gon told you nothing at all," Bella said warmly.
"He always was such a private person, much as I was. I expect
that is why we are so well matched." She gentle brushed her
free hand over Qui-Gon's. Obi-Wan purposely did not look at the
gesture.
"We were married many years ago, perhaps before you were born."
Bella gave him a long, appraising look. "I worked for the Agri
Corps - I have some Force insight but I know I am not meant to
be a Jedi."
"Bella is naturally gifted in botany," Qui-Gon interrupted.
"She can make anything grow marvellously."
"About ten years ago," Bella continued, "I was en route to
Minnawe, a planet on the far edge of our galaxy, when the
transport ship encountered difficulties. I was fortunate to
reach an escape pod before the ship exploded, and my pod was
trapped by the gravity of a nearby planet."
Obi-Wan nodded, not really caring about the circumstances. The
woman resumed her tale. "However, the pod was damaged upon
impact and my communications device destroyed. The planet I had
landed upon - I call it Raindor - is not a member of the
Republic. Its inhabitants are a simple race, without space
travel technology, and they have little contact with others as
they are so spatially isolated."
"All this time we thought Bella was dead and she was merely
trapped," interjected Qui-Gon again. "I am so sorry, Bella, I
should have searched harder...."
She gave him a warm smile and Obi-Wan had the awful feeling
that he was intruding on an intensely private moment. Ten years
ago he hadn't even known Qui-Gon, the man had been only a name
whispered about the Temple. Ten years ago, about the time that
Qui-Gon had lost Xanatos to the dark side and gone for a long
sojourn away from everything he knew. Obi-Wan now knew, even
more so, what a dark time that had been for his master. No
wonder he rarely spoke of it.
"Qui-Gon, I do not blame you," Bella said softly. "It was the
will of the Force that brought me to Raindor. I was able to do
incredible things there, I truly helped people in need. It was
an experience I shall never forget. And I held your memory dear
for all of that time."
"And now you're here," Obi-Wan suddenly interrupted before the
conversation that so clearly excluded him grew even more
intense.
"Yes," Bella replied, sounding a little startled, almost as if
she'd forgotten Obi-Wan was in the room. "A scouting party
landed on the planet to make first contact. They were most
surprised to find me there, and naturally offered me passage
home. I was sad to leave the dear friends I had made, but I had
someone to see." Again, that secret, sidelong smile that made
Obi-Wan want to die.
"Couldn't you have called in advance?" Obi-Wan snapped and this
time there was no hiding the tone of his voice. "This is a
great shock...to both of us."
Qui-Gon shot him a look. "Padawan, that is enough. Do
not question Bella's actions."
"I wanted to see him for the first time with my own eyes,"
explained Bella gently. Again there was that unspoken
communication between Qui-Gon and Bella, and then the woman got
to her feet.
"I will give you some time alone to discuss this with your
apprentice, Qui-Gon."
"Thank you, Bella." It was obvious they both thought Obi-Wan
deserved a reprimand, but it was not Bella's place to voice
such a concern.
The moment Bella was out of the room and the door closed,
Obi-Wan reached across to grasp Qui-Gon's hand. "Why?" he
implored,
saying everything, saying nothing, with that one question.
Qui-Gon stared at the beautiful man before him, feeling his heart breaking a little more with every passing second. He loved Obi-Wan without reservation and it pained him deeply to be hurting the younger man in this way. But there was nothing else to be done. He could only hope that Obi-Wan would someday understand.
"I am sorry, Obi-Wan." The apology sounded trite even to his own years.
"Sorry for what, Master? Sorry that you have completely cut me off for the past few hours?
Sorry that you have decided to end
our relationship without even consulting me? Sorry that you
pretended to love me all this time while you were secretly
pining away for your wife?"
"Obi-Wan, I never pretended," Qui-Gon said gravely, hoping his
apprentice would believe him. "I do love you. I love you more
than anything else. But our relationship cannot continue." He
sighed, realising he had not yet answered Obi-Wan's question.
"I am sorry for not telling you about Bella. It was wrong of me
to keep that hidden."
Obi-Wan shot him a look, and there were tears in the blue-green
eyes. "I understand, Master, that it was too painful for you to
remember."
Another pang shot through Qui-Gon's heart as he realised that
Obi-Wan, even in the face of such a betrayal, still knew him
and accepted him as he was. More than that, he knew he owed
Obi-Wan an explanation.
"You are right. During those months I almost went mad with
grief and my failure haunted me. I believed I had failed
Xanatos and I knew I had failed my wife. We hadn't been
together in months, I recall, for our duties often kept us
apart. Our marriage had become nothing more than words spoken
many years ago - and do you know what the worst of it was,
Obi-Wan?"
Of course the boy didn't know. "It took three months for
me to realise that Bella was missing. Three entire months
before I organised a search party and by then the ship's debris
was scattered far and wide. There was little trace of anything
but that did not stop me searching; I was driven by a maddening
sense of guilt."
"It was not your fault, Master," Obi-Wan offered, and Qui-Gon
sensed the young man was trying to slip through his mental
shields, offering support and comfort.
"I vowed that if I were ever given a second chance, I would
make it up to her," Qui-Gon said, his voice low and fervent.
"Please understand this, Obi-Wan." He took Obi-Wan's hands in
his own, pressing them to his lips in what was probably the
last intimate kiss he would ever give this man. "I made a
promise, firstly when I married Bella that I would love her
until we were parted by death. And I renewed my promise when I
lost her, vowing that if we were ever re-united I would treat
our marriage with the respect it deserved. I would honour her,
be faithful to her, and never abandon her as I once did."
"Master," and Obi-Wan was imploring him, "things have changed.
I love you. You love me. How can you throw that away on a
promise made years ago?"
Qui-Gon sighed, heavily, painfully. "I believe that a promise
is forever, my Obi-Wan."
"That's why you would never commit to a formal bond." Obi-Wan's
voice was stunned, hurt, and he pulled his hands free of
Qui-Gon's and stared at him with accusations in his eyes.
"I am sorry," Qui-Gon said weakly, knowing the apology would
not make any difference. He just prayed that Obi-Wan would
accept this as truth and not press him for more. Because there
was more to the story, things that Qui-Gon had difficulty even
accepting himself.
For every time he thought seriously about his relationship with
Obi-Wan, he recalled the things he'd been taught as a child,
and the beliefs he'd held close when he grew up. His home
planet had extolled these beliefs to such a point where any
other opinion was almost unthinkable, despite its validity.
Marriage for humans was between a man and a woman. Intercourse
was for purposes of procreation, an act performed in loving
communion with one's wife and the Force.
And both of these beliefs had been severely tested when he
realised he loved Obi-Wan in the romantic sense. Qui-Gon still
couldn't throw the convictions away completely - they were a
part of him and had been so for all of his life. The entire
Order of the Jedi agreed with him to the point of declaring
love between the Jedi as something that never needed to
progress beyond gentle kisses and touches unless children were
desired.
The younger generation, of course, had their own points of view
which Obi-Wan was fond of expounding, and Qui-Gon knew that
attitudes were always changing. Still, he could not let Obi-Wan
know of his feelings, because in truth he disgusted even
himself for thinking these things. The beliefs laid an
unsubstantiated taint on what Qui-Gon knew was a beautiful
relationship between himself and Obi-Wan, and to tell Obi-Wan
would be to forever shatter the understanding that had grown
between them.
"I am sorry too, Master," Obi-Wan finally replied, an edge to
his voice. "I am sorry you're not strong enough to let go of
the past."
"I've been given a second chance to right my failures!" Qui-Gon
protested. "I must honour Bella and do what is right. Please,
Obi-Wan, tell me that you understand." He wanted desperately
for his apprentice to look at him, to see that it pained him
deeply to push Obi-Wan away. But there was nothing else to be
done.
And suddenly, a wave of compassion and love came flooding along
their master apprentice bond. "I - I do understand, Master."
Obi-Wan took a deep breath. "I will respect your wishes. I will
do as you ask and I shall treat your wife with the honour she
is entitled to."
Qui-Gon just stared at Obi-Wan for a moment, wondering how one
so young was so capable of such compassion. "Thank you," he
said, his voice trembling. "It means so much to me to have your
support." And then he was reaching out to Obi-Wan, enfolding
the younger man in his arms, tears streaming down his cheeks as
they clung to each other desperately in a final goodbye.
"Part of me will always love you," Qui-Gon managed, whispering
into Obi-Wan's hair as he gently touched Obi-Wan's cheek,
finding answering tears there.
"I will always love you, Qui-Gon," came the heartfelt
reply.
"No, don't," pleaded Qui-Gon softly. "I want you to be happy, I
want you to find someone you deserve. Someone your own age,
someone who can offer you so much more than I ever could." And
as Qui-Gon pictured Obi-Wan with a sweet young lady, a pain
stabbed through his heart which he quickly pounced on and tried
to dissipate.
"Master, you were more than everything I wanted." And now
Obi-Wan's words were softer, more resigned, and he pulled back
just a little from the embrace. One hand left Qui-Gon's waist
to wipe away his own tears. "I should go."
"You should," echoed Qui-Gon, not wanting to let go. He wanted
to preserve this moment, it was the last time he could ever
hold Obi-Wan this close. No more slow dancing in the shadows,
no more nights wrapped in each other's arms. Nothing but a
respectful formality as he completed Obi-Wan's training, and
that, perhaps, would be the most difficult part of all: to see
Obi-Wan every day while he was forever out of Qui-Gon's reach.
And then he was somehow stepping back, letting go of the one he
loved, and saying goodbye.
"I shall find a place to stay with the other padawans," Obi-Wan
offered. "Please apologise to your wife for me and tell her -
tell her..."
"I will tell her that you have sacrificed your comfort to give
us some time to become re-acquainted. Believe me, Obi-Wan, I
shall tell her exactly what an honourable man you are." Qui-Gon
managed a tiny smile.
"Then..." Stepping towards the door, Obi-Wan shrugged.
"Goodbye." There was nothing more to say. Nothing to dissipate
the awkward moment.
"Goodbye," Qui-Gon echoed, hating himself for the finality in
his words. And Obi-Wan was gone.
It was a beautiful planet, quiet, tranquil, with shades of blue
and green which softly filtered through the atmosphere, adding
to an overall sense of peace. Upon the beach at the edge of an
ocean Qui-Gon walked, his thoughts turned inwards as he
reflected upon the past few years of his life.
In a few months, he would take the Trials and perhaps earn the
rank of Jedi Knight. Qui-Gon was quietly confident that he
would succeed although his master often whacked him with a
stick and told him not to be so cocky. These interludes did not
bother Qui-Gon, they merely prompted him to be mindful of the
Force.
And mindful he was. He could see his future mapped clearly
before him - he would pass the Trials and then serve the
Council and the galaxy at large as one of their noblest Jedi
Knights. He would be free from the emotional entanglements that
seemed to plague his peers, and a small sigh escaped Qui-Gon's
lips as he remembered the sad tale of his dear friend
Par-Suay-Dee. Par had been weeks away from his Trials when he
met a young woman on a backwater planet and fell hopelessly in
love with her. He never returned to the Jedi.
It was because of the teachings, in part, that passion was not
their way. Qui-Gon remembered the excited holo from Par which
had shocked him, it seemed his friend had given into lust and
expunged his Jedi soul. The Council members had gravely shaken
their heads and felt fortunate that Par's tendencies had been
revealed before it was too late.
Even more disturbing was the memory of Tarwen who had struck up
an intimate friendship with another young man. While
disapproval was never explicitly stated, he was ostracised from
both the Jedi and parts of society until the relationship was
discreetly dissolved.
A flash of light on the reef caught Qui-Gon's attention and he
shook his head, trying to rid himself of the memories. He would
not be caught in such a trap of love; he was bound to the
entire galaxy and there could never be one person to whom he
was promised.
He studied the reef, seeing how it swayed softly away from the
shore. There was a distinct sense of aliveness emanating from
it and Qui-Gon smiled as the sensations washed through him.
Connection. The Force.
There was someone out there, walking on the water. He couldn't
quite make out the figure but assumed it was a curious tourist
enjoying the natural beauties of the reef. For a moment,
Qui-Gon was disappointed that his solitude had been intruded
upon, but then he realised the figure was far too away to make
much difference. Qui-Gon returned his gaze to the ocean,
embracing the serenity.
It was in that moment he heard the scream. His eyes snapped
back to the reef to see the figure half hunched over, and he
heard the scream again, realising this time that it wasn't a
verbal scream but a mental shout. Without a second thought he
threw off his robe and danced across the water to the sunken
atoll. There was a creature, something gentle, a natural
inhabitant of the reef, who had been hurt and Qui-Gon intended
to make its attacker full well of what he or she was doing.
"Leave it be," Qui-Gon announced in his grandest voice as he
stood firmly on an outcrop of coral, drawing on the Force just
a little to keep his balance. The figure - he couldn't quite
decide which species it was, given that it appeared to have
viscid green hair - turned and gave a feminine yelp of
surprise. She then tumbled over backwards, trying desperately
to keep her small specimen jar in the air.
Landing with a resounding splash which managed to drench
Qui-Gon, the woman yelled triumphantly when she realised that
the jar had not been damaged. Qui-Gon glared, his eyes fixated
on the container which appeared to hold not only seaweed, but a
harmless sea snake as well.
"You could help me up, seeing that you startled me so," said
the woman, who appeared to have landed on a rock so that she
was only half submerged. Qui-Gon suppressed a sigh and extended
his hand, noting in surprise that green seaweed had tumbled
from her head to reveal a much more normal auburn, albeit wet,
cascading over her shoulders. There was an impish glint in her
brown eyes as she suddenly laughed at herself. "I must look a
sight."
"I am sorry for startling you," Qui-Gon said as he pulled the
woman to her feet, noting that she was about his age, perhaps a
few years older. Yet age meant nothing to the Jedi, and it
certainly wouldn't undermine his authority. "However, I must
ask you to release the creature that you have captured." Before
the woman had a chance to protest, he had skilfully manipulated
the jar from her hand and opened the lid. Inside, the small
green sea-snake looked up at him with a baleful eye.
"Careful, he's hurt!" the woman protested.
Qui-Gon almost said something rude and sarcastic then, but held
his tongue. "I only intend to help the creature." He frowned at
the woman. "We must release it. All creatures are part of the
living Force and to capture one is-"
"You're a Jedi!" she interrupted, enlightenment dawning on her
face. "Of course, I should have realised. No one else could
have crossed the water like that." She gave him a broad smile
and a half-bow. "My name is Bella Adeira."
"Qui-Gon Jinn," he replied, shortly and automatically as he
returned the ritual bow. "I must insist that you release this
poor creature."
"Oh, I can't do that," Bella instantly protested, snatching
back the container.
"And why is that?" responded Qui-Gon, carefully keeping control
of his emotions.
Bella reached inside the jar and gently stroked the back of the
snake. "The poor little guy is hurt," she said. "I saw him get
trapped in the seaweed and when he tried to pull himself free,
he got spiked." Another caress and she sighed. "I was going to
take him to the rehabilitation center when you showed up."
"You were helping him?"
"Of course I was helping him!" Bella replied. "What else could
I have done?"
Qui-Gon just stared into the distance, positive he was becoming
red with embarrassment. He focussed on the wafting rivers of
seaweed and realised that the afternoon was wearing on. Soon it
would be dark, for night fell quickly on this planet.
"I apologise for my haste," Qui-Gon finally admitted, "and I
would be honoured if you would allow me to transport you back
to shore before the sun sets."
Bella looked at him quizzically. "My raft is just over
there...." Her voice trailed off as she looked behind her. "I
must have walked further than I thought!" She laughed softly.
"I get so caught up with my work sometimes that everything else
becomes unimportant. Do you know what that is like?" She fixed
him with her intense gaze.
"Yes," Qui-Gon found himself replying, "I do."
Dinner that night turned into a promise to meet again when
Bella visited Coruscant in a few weeks. The rest was history.
It was three days before Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon spoke again. Much
of those days Qui-Gon had spent in conversation with Bella,
getting to know her all over again. The years had changed both
of them in many ways and Qui-Gon often found himself struggling
for some common ground. Only the day Bella brought home a small
yellow creature she'd found lost on a lower level of the city
convinced Qui-Gon that perhaps they did have a basis for
connection. The creature was annoying, messy, but needy and
Bella declared that she wasn't setting it free until it was
healthy, no matter what noises it made.
It was enough to drive Qui-Gon mad with frustration until Bella
pointed out that he would have done the exact same thing. The
emotions, a mixture of old and new, were in constant flux.
Still, they were Jedi, and enfolded in the traditions of the
ancient way of life, each was confident that their marriage was
once again alive. Destiny had brought them back together and
Qui-Gon believed there was a reason for this. And while he did
love Bella, dearly, he occasionally wondered if he loved the
Bella of old, or the Bella of new.
There was nothing of Bella he did not admire. She was good and
kind with a pure heart and not above challenging those she did
not agree with. She had the most 'spirited' discussion with
Master Yoda one afternoon and the memory caused Qui-Gon to
almost groan with embarrassment while admiring her tenacity.
But, Qui-Gon had to admit to himself, he felt no passion for
her. Which was as it should be, according to the Jedi way.
Passion could lead to the dark side, but it was passion which
had led him to Obi-Wan...
Qui-Gon cut off the thought as soon as it had arisen. There was
no point in agonising over what was the past and what could not
be. He hadn't spent ten years mooning over Bella after her loss
and he would certainly not do her the disservice of mourning
his relationship with Obi-Wan.
Besides, Obi-Wan was far from presumed dead. There was a
training to be completed. Qui-Gon's sense of honour bound him
to do just that, even if it was under the most awkward of
circumstances.
He left a message for Obi-Wan, surprised that his padawan
wasn't easily contactable. And then Mace Windu came to visit.
"I am deeply concerned, Qui-Gon," Mace said formally after the
greetings had been dispensed with. "Your padawan is
experiencing much difficulty in accepting the arrival of your
wife."
"He came to you?" Qui-Gon was shocked.
Mace shook his head in the negative. "He did not need to come
to me. I observed his behaviour in class today, and then
afterwards in the gardens. He walked for hours by himself and
it was not the walk of an apprentice communing with the Force."
Mace's voice took on a darker tone. "It was the walk of a young
man who has just had his heart broken."
And oh, how it hurt Qui-Gon to hear that.
"I had long suspected that your apprentice had a crush on you.
It was remiss of you not to deal with it," Mace stated. He
stared intently at Qui-Gon, who was forced to break the
contact.
"Obi-Wan is a young man, given to whims and odd desires,"
Qui-Gon said by way of explanation.
Mace only frowned even more. "You know the code of the Jedi,
Qui-Gon, and you know it forbids inappropriate relationships."
"And what defines inappropriate?" Qui-Gon found himself
arguing. "Anything that is not between two Jedi?"
Mace did not answer, but nodded sagely. "Two adult Jedi,
prepared for a lifetime commitment," he granted. "I hardly
think a mere padawan could know what he wants. Especially when
that desire is for someone with whom he could never form a
family."
Even though Mace didn't come out and say it, the implication
was clearly there. Anger rose within Qui-Gon - how could Mace,
recently married, be so hypocritical when it came to love? "Do
you intend to start a family with Marisse?"
"No," Mace answered.
"Then it could be said that your relationship is
inappropriate!" The outrage in Qui-Gon was now obvious and he
prayed that Mace would not suspect the true reason behind it.
"Qui-Gon, are you defending the boy? Surely you know it is your
duty to keep him on the path to serenity, as is our way."
"Or it is my duty to keep him celibate or find him a suitable
young woman?" Qui-Gon near parroted, quoting the Jedi Master's
manual he'd been forced to accept quite some time ago, and read
when his feelings for Obi-Wan manifested themselves. "Do not
worry, Mace, I have encouraged him in the latter. But it is his
choice and his choice alone. No one can dictate the feelings of
the heart." His words were vehement and Mace appeared
affronted.
"The Force guides us, not our hearts."
"Ah, but the Force lives in our hearts," Qui-Gon
countered. "Mace, listen to yourself! Why are we fighting over
love? I know you love Marisse despite your words to the
contrary. Cannot you accept that everyone experiences this
'failing'?"
Mace sighed heavily. "You are right, my old friend." Suddenly
Qui-Gon understood. Mace was the only member of the Jedi
Council to be married and, by the implications in Jedi
teachings, now considered himself weaker than his peers.
"Love is not something we catalogue, nor can we ignore it,"
Qui-Gon continued. "Love just is." And as he said these words,
a revelation of sorts came over Qui-Gon. There was nothing
wrong or harmful about his love for Obi-Wan. Nothing at all.
If, in a universe of billions, two souls had managed to find
each other, then why should an ancient creed keep them apart?
And Mace was actually smiling him; perhaps he picked up on
Qui-Gon's warm feelings towards love. "Then I am glad that you
and Bella have been reunited so that you may experience this
love you believe in. And-"
"And you believe in it too, although you will not admit it to
anyone," Qui-Gon concluded, attempting a light banter so that
he would not dwell on what Mace had just said, but it was
already too late. Bella did not light up his world in the way
Obi-Wan did...
"We have become distracted." Thankfully, Mace interrupted
Qui-Gon's all-too-disturbing train of thought. "Qui-Gon, you
must go to Obi-Wan and talk to him. Explain to him that a
relationship between you can never be, not necessarily because
you are his master or a man," he added quickly, seeing the
returning glare in Qui-Gon's eyes, "but because you are married
to Bella."
"I will do so," Qui-Gon acquiesced. But he didn't think it
would have any effect, because that conversation had already
been had. There would be no simple resolution to this.
Obi-Wan's heart was beating wildly as he read the message from
Qui-Gon - to meet his master in a training room for an
evening's instruction in lightsaber drill. Perhaps it wasn't
the best lesson to begin with after the self-enforced
separation, but at least the nature of the action would
preclude verbal interaction. Obi-Wan didn't know if he could
handle another heart-to-heart talk with his master, the man he
was not supposed to love anymore.
There was no way Obi-Wan could just switch off the emotion. He
wanted Qui-Gon more than anything else and to have him so close
would be a mixture of rapture and agony. And when his master
stepped through the door, Obi-Wan lost his breath for a moment.
Qui-Gon looked so real, not the insubstantial man who'd
haunted his dreams of late. The towering form, the silky hair,
the expressive blue eyes...Obi-Wan swallowed, forcing the
emotions deep inside of him.
His feelings had to remain hidden, not only for his own sanity,
but for Qui-Gon's happiness as well. Even at this distance, as
they watched each other, Obi-Wan knew it pained his master to
know that his apprentice was not happy. Qui-Gon would feel
guilty as long as Obi-Wan loved him.
"Good evening, Master," he finally managed and bowed
respectfully. Qui-Gon started and then returned the greeting,
if not the sign of respect.
"We shall begin with the basic drills," Qui-Gon instructed
quickly, before Obi-Wan could say anything more. And in all
honesty, what could Obi-Wan say that hadn't already been said?
They'd been through the arguments even before Bella arrived on
the scene - Qui-Gon thought he was too old, and now he had
Bella who was the perfect age, with whom Qui-Gon could
gracefully grow. No more padawan with somewhat more excitable
needs.
All of this flew through Obi-Wan's mind in mere seconds while
he retained his outward composure. He ritually ignited his
lightsaber and began the ancient dance, trying his utmost to
concentrate on the movements and the flow of the Force, and
nothing else.
As Obi-Wan continued the drill, he frowned in concentration.
When had such simplistic moves become so complex? He was trying
his hardest not to think about Qui-Gon but it was so difficult.
He missed his master. He missed his love.
And as much as Obi-Wan tried to deny his feelings, he couldn't.
He wanted more than anything to do as Qui-Gon requested but his
traitorous heart wasn't letting him say goodbye. How could he
so easily let go of the one person who was everything to him?
That was why Obi-Wan hadn't yet given up. He knew his own heart
and he knew Qui-Gon's. It would just take time for Qui-Gon to
come around. Obi-Wan kept telling himself that, because the
alternative was unthinkable. Three days of absolute depression
and misery were only the beginning.
"Obi-Wan!" It almost sounded as if Qui-Gon were snapping at
him. "Where is your focus?"
Pausing with his lightsaber arced before him, Obi-Wan lowered
his eyes. "I am sorry, my master." He was sure he saw Qui-Gon
wince at the quasi-endearment. "I will begin the drill again."
Yet it seemed as if Qui-Gon sensed his frustration at his
inability to perform something so ridiculously simple. "Never
mind. Perhaps you would work better with a partner."
Oh, that was dangerous. Obi-Wan shot a look at Qui-Gon, wishing
desperately that he knew what the other man was thinking. It
would have been a simple matter to reach across their bond but
neither had been doing much reaching lately. It wasn't
appropriate, given the circumstances. So Obi-Wan could only
stare at Qui-Gon and try to judge emotions from his
countenance. Unfortunately, Qui-Gon was a master of hiding his
feelings from everyone.
Qui-Gon disrobed, ignited his lightsaber and held it up in the
classic first pose, which Obi-Wan rapidly mirrored. An unspoken
signal and then they began, slashing and parrying, forward and
back, a delicate yet deadly dance between them.
Suppressing an impulse to smile, Obi-Wan nonetheless felt a
thrill of exhilaration coursing through his body. No matter
what anyone said, there was something deeply personal and
almost erotic about a lightsaber duel of such precision and
intensity. Obi-Wan anticipated Qui-Gon's movements perfectly
and likewise, the older man echoed Obi-Wan's own manoeuvres
while throwing in the extra flourish or swing designed to
confuse.
It never worked. Perhaps Qui-Gon too was having trouble
concentrating on the art form of lightsaber battle. As Obi-Wan
slashed he realised he felt almost a perverse form of pleasure
in attacking Qui-Gon, the man who had so callously rejected
him. In his mind, Obi-Wan wasn't only attacking his master, he
was attacking Bella and the marriage and everything that had
destroyed Obi-Wan's perfect world.
A particularly vicious parry caught Qui-Gon unaware and the
Jedi Master stumbled momentarily. It was enough for Obi-Wan to
manage to kick him off balance while still thrusting forwards,
but Qui-Gon retaliated by way of hooking a foot around
Obi-Wan's knee and bringing them both crashing down in a heap.
Obi-Wan lay on top of Qui-Gon, their eyes inches apart, both
breathing heavily. It was the only sound in the empty room, the
harsh, ragged breathing in unison as they just stared, so
close. Close enough for Obi-Wan to be breathing Qui-Gon's
exhaled breath. Close enough to kiss him.
Obi-Wan tightened his grip on Qui-Gon's arms, realising that
his master was literally pinned beneath him. It was a heady
feeling of power, he needed this control, and he needed this
contact. He needed to heal the rift.
A wave of lust surged through Obi-Wan and he knew Qui-Gon felt
the same thing. How could he not? After the duel Obi-Wan's
blood was racing, his heart pounding, his senses on fire. All
it would take was one tiny motion to bring his head down and
seal the gap between them.
And then, at the very last moment, Qui-Gon turned his head to
the side and Obi-Wan's lips grazed soft beard, nothing more.
"No!" he burst out, softly, but with frustrated rage.
"Focus, Obi-Wan." Qui-Gon's voice was strained as he adopted
the teaching tone. "You have your enemy down. What are you
thinking?"
"How much I want to kiss him."
With a rough movement, Qui-Gon suddenly pushed Obi-Wan aside
and jumped to his feet. "Enough!" he commanded. "Obi-Wan, we
have discussed this matter. It is closed. Do you understand
me?"
"No!" Obi-Wan replied hotly, scrambling to his own feet and
struggling to regain his composure. "I do not understand. I
have struggled with this for the past three days, Master. I
cannot accept that you can turn off the feelings of your heart
so easily."
"That is not the issue, Padawan. I have spoken of my reasons
and I will have you accept them." Qui-Gon frowned. "The issue
is your inability to control your emotions. If you
cannot then I fear you can no longer be my apprentice."
The harsh words fell home. Obi-Wan stared at Qui-Gon in shock.
It was bad enough to lose his love but to lose his master as
well? To lose all contact between them? It was more than
Obi-Wan could bear.
Swallowing all of his pride and all of his humiliation, Obi-Wan
managed, "Then I ask you allow me the dignity of conquering
these emotions alone." He stood ramrod straight as Qui-Gon
acquiesced, picked up his robe, and left.
Obi-Wan swallowed, hard, trying to force the tears into non-existence. No matter how hard he tried, it still hurt, the rejection hurt beyond belief. And in that moment, Obi-Wan hated Bella with a passion. He wished she had never come back into Qui-Gon's life and destroyed everything that was right and good. He wished she was dead.
As soon as the thought was completed Obi-Wan gasped in horror. This was the Dark Side and the beginnings of corruption, the very thing he'd fought against for his entire life. But wasn't he entitled to be angry? What right did the universe have to give him something so precious and then take it away?
Obi-Wan couldn't look at the empty training room any longer. He
needed to be free, he needed to be outside, and once free of
the Jedi temple, Obi-Wan ran. He could not stand it anymore,
the maelstrom of conflicting emotions, he had to get out, get
away, go anywhere where the pain didn't exist anymore. He ran
through the entire garden level of the Temple and then back
again, all the while tears on his cheeks as he sought to leave
the useless passion behind. Each step a desperate attempt to
exorcise the love that could never be. Each breath a final
goodbye.
And when he could run no more, he sank to the ground and
emptied his mind into the Force. The pain would never leave
him, he accepted that now, but little by little, it could be
mellowed through meditation and the simple act of existence
each day.
It was time to move on.
Qui-Gon closed her eyes, sensing his wife was mirroring the
motion. He slowly extended his hands, reaching outwards until
he touched Bella's palms, forming an arching bridge between
them. Deep breaths were taken, Qui-Gon feeling the familiar
tingle of the Force, and he concentrated, reaching for Bella's
mind, for a way to re-connect, for a memory of the past.
There. A time all but forgotten, one of a thousand memories of
their married life.
~
"I have been entrusted a new padawan learner!" was the first
thing Qui-Gon said when he walked through the door to their
quarters. Bella dropped her reader (the Early Adventures of
Yoda obviously weren't been that enthralling even if it had
been fictionalised and translated into a publicly acceptable
format).
"Qui-Gon, that's wonderful news!" Bella responded. She walked
to him and embraced him softly. "Tell me about your young
apprentice."
There was pride in Qui-Gon's eyes as he described Xanatos, a
promising young man with great talent but with an aura of
secrecy. "I hope to draw him out, allow him to embrace our
philosophy with his entire being," Qui-Gon finished.
"I am sure you are up to the challenge," Bella replied. She
brushed aside an errant strand of hair and Qui-Gon reflected
that even though Bella pretended to be a civilised Coruscant
citizen, she could not hide her true self. There was an untamed
wildness that was only happiest out in the field. Much like
Qui-Gon himself.
"I also have news," Bella interrupted his affectionate reverie.
"I have been called to Voronia where the Agri Corps is
terraforming a poisoned continent."
Qui-Gon took her hands in his and smiled. "I am pleased for
you, Bella. They are certainly very fortunate to have your
skill." Bella returned the smile.
"I will be away quite some time," she said gently. "Perhaps you
will bring your padawan to visit, to see the greater work of
the Jedi in action. Not all can be Knights."
"Then I must be one of the lucky ones," Qui-Gon said. "I shall
miss you," he added, drawing her close. He moved his mouth to
cover hers and the kiss was long but chaste. They did not need
passion in their lives, their love was something like a lazy
river, slow, peaceful and ever-present.
"I shall miss you too," Bella replied softly after they broke
apart. They gazed into each other's eyes, into each other's
hearts, for a long moment, before Bella returned to her reading
and Qui-Gon began preparations for his new padawan's first
lesson.
~
The merge of minds dimmed and broke, a sigh the only echo
remaining of a time that once was. Bella met Qui-Gon's eyes.
"What ever became of Xanatos?" she asked, innocently.
Seven long months passed. The training bond between master and
apprentice faltered during those early months, but eventually,
both Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan were able to somewhat forget the past
and return to a state of friendship. However, their
relationship never quite reached the easy camaraderie of the
early days, before words of love had been spoken. Qui-Gon no
longer shared absolutely everything with his padawan, and
Obi-Wan had no particular desire to hear about Bella anyway.
Gradually, Obi-Wan became used to his new life. He even enjoyed
it. Living in close quarters with other padawans was a lot more
fun than Obi-Wan had ever anticipated. It took him back to his
childhood days where nights had seemed like an endless party
with his friends. Except this was better, because there were no
adults about to be mindful of.
Obi-Wan was discovering he had missed a good many things that
other teenagers had experienced, and although he was beyond the
age for such things now, his friends encouraged him in the new
experiences. Experiences like all night parties or club
hopping, things that spoke of the basic freedom of living on
his own.
Qui-Gon, who had often commented on his pride in Obi-Wan for
being such a "responsible young man", would have been quite
disappointed had he known. Obi-Wan didn't care. Qui-Gon wasn't
paying him much attention anyway beyond the necessary training.
And even on missions, which were few and far between (Mace
Windu having decided that Qui-Gon needed time at home), the
master and apprentice were careful to keep their distance. When
assigned a room with only one bed they took turns in sleeping
on the floor. For this Obi-Wan was glad, it would have been too
painful otherwise to be so close to Qui-Gon yet so far,
carefully suppressing every thought lest a stray emotion
escape.
For after all this time, Obi-Wan still loved Qui-Gon. By now he
knew he always would. The casual dates with young women meant
nothing to him other than friendship, the soft goodnight kisses
he gave them rarely excited him. One thing his dating did do
was give him something to talk with Qui-Gon about.
Bella invited Obi-Wan to dinner every so often. It was always
awkward so Obi-Wan generally invented excuses to refuse.
However, he was gradually coming to understand Bella and see
how like his master she was, from her gentle compassion to her
forthright manner. As much as Obi-Wan hated to admit it, they
did make a perfect couple. Bella and Qui-Gon were far from
identical but they had much in common, and every reminder of
that sent Obi-Wan's thoughts spiralling down a path he didn't
like to travel.
So he continued to be the best apprentice he could be,
executing every directive Qui-Gon gave him with near-flawless
precision. Obi-Wan had mastered his emotions well. He could not
erase the empty place in his heart but he could certainly
control it and give the appearance of a healthy, thriving human
being. Perhaps what he was doing was normal, Obi-Wan eventually
decided. For how many people truly found their soulmate and
were allowed to have them? Most people just settled for
someone, or chose the path of celibacy. It was a path Obi-Wan
now knew he was destined to walk. To his surprise, Bella
invited him in one afternoon and he found their conversation
was most enlightening.
"Qui-Gon is worried about you," Bella said once the preambles
were over. "He hasn't confided as much in me but I can sense
it."
Obi-Wan just stared at her, wondering why she was telling him
this.
"I'm worried about you too, Obi-Wan. You seem so serious.
Perhaps the path you walk is not for you."
"Which path?" There was no keeping the surprise from his voice.
Bella gently patted his hand. "I was once like you, determined
to be a great Jedi Knight. Every moment of my life was focussed
on that and I did not realise how unhappy I had become with the
lifestyle."
"I am happy," Obi-Wan protested.
"Are you?" countered Bella. "You pretend to be happy. I recall
the night Qui-Gon and I ran into you at the restaurant, you
were with that pretty blonde girl, what was her name?"
For the life of him, Obi-Wan could not remember. All he really
recalled from that night were Qui-Gon's eyes on him, and
wondering if the older man felt jealous.
"Qui-Gon was watching you that night," Bella said
surreptitiously, almost as if she was revealing a great secret.
"He wants you to be happy too. And we both sensed that you
could be very happy with that girl. If you're determined to be
a Jedi Knight then perhaps you need someone to share it with?"
Obi-Wan fought hard to swallow his annoyance. "I have chosen my
path and it is a path dedicated to the Force," he said evenly.
"I do not need other distractions."
Bella's face crumpled. "Obi-Wan, please understand me. Your
actions - they're affecting Qui-Gon. He and I...well, it seems
that he can't truly be happy unless you are. He's worrying
about you."
She paused, taking in a deep breath. "Perhaps you don't
understand what it can be like when two Jedi marry. Qui-Gon and
I shared the deepest communication and love, which surrounded
everything we did. The sharing and companionship brought so
much joy."
"So you think Qui-Gon would be happy if I married a nice girl?"
Obi-Wan couldn't stop the words tumbling out of his mouth.
"What if I wanted to marry a boy instead?"
Bella literally gasped. "Oh Obi-Wan, is that what it is?" She
took his hands in his, radiating compassion and sympathy
through the point of contact. "Don't worry, I won't hate you.
Neither will Qui-Gon. We can help you through this...."
Obi-Wan snatched his hands away, horrified. This was worse than
the blatant homophobia exuded by some of the older Coruscant
citizens and those from Central planets. To be pitied for
following his heart - it repulsed him.
He met Bella's gaze evenly. "I find your opinion outdated. Do
not the Jedi teach love and compassion for all beings?"
Bella nodded slowly, but then said, "Obi-Wan, you must think of
the teachings. The way of the Jedi order. The history and the
beliefs. No matter what lies in your heart you would be
condemned by many humanoids, especially here on Coruscant."
Sighing, Obi-Wan knew that nothing he said would change Bella's
opinion. He was only glad that his peers were so accepting of
any relationship. Perhaps the changing opinions would
eventually filter throughout society - already, there was a
sense of "anything goes" on the Outer Rim planets - but
galactic change would be a long and difficult battle.
"It is not an issue, Bella," Obi-Wan finally relented, shaking
his head. "There is no one in my life with whom I could form a
lasting relationship. Rest assured that I do not intend to
marry a young man, nor do I have any desire to do so."
"Oh." Bella was clearly surprised, but obviously relieved by
his words. "Then why the conversation?"
"Because society's views frustrate me," Obi-Wan said, "and I
must advocate any changes I believe in."
"Well then, Obi-Wan, let me warn you to advocate that
particular view quietly," Bella cautioned. She released his
hands and sat back, blushing just a little. Then she apparently
recalled the topic which had begun them on this path. "Perhaps
Qui-Gon must learn to accept the fact that you have grown up."
"Pardon?" Obi-Wan did not follow her train of thought.
"Since I have known you, Obi-Wan, you have been a serious young
man. Therefore I must assume that your melancholy is your
permanent state. There are other Jedi like you who choose the
lonely path and they are very much in tune with the Force.
"I think," Bella continued, smiling as she warmed to her own
theory, "that Qui-Gon remembers the boy you were and is having
trouble losing you. And with my arrival - well, you were
suddenly thrust from his life a lot more quickly than you would
have been otherwise!"
"That is true," Obi-Wan agreed. The whole conversation was
beginning to bore him and increase his dislike of Bella, who
apparently thought she could control the universe.
"Well then, we need to teach him this." Bella clapped her hands
together. "I know! It's his birthday next week. You and I
should throw him a surprise party. And you could get him a gift
- something that says to him that even though you've grown up,
you will always treasure the special relationship you had."
Oh, if only Bella knew what she was saying and how difficult it
would be. As it was, Obi-Wan did not believe that such a gift
could exist.
"I'm so glad we got this all cleared up, Obi-Wan," Bella said
happily, completely oblivious to his distress. "Tomorrow
afternoon we shall go shopping. I need to find Qui-Gon a gift
of my own. We can assist each other."
Obi-Wan could find no good reason to refuse, other than the
fact that he did not want to go, and he could not tell Bella
that. "Tomorrow, then," he reluctantly conceded.
"I had the most interesting conversation with Obi-Wan today,"
Bella remarked when her husband returned home later that
evening. She was gently tending a plant, feeding energy into it
and enhancing the green glow of the sickly shrub.
"Oh?" Qui-Gon managed to put a myriad of emotions into that
simple word which was as much of a question and a reflection at
the same time. He wandered to the kitchen, pouring a drink for
both himself and his wife, taking a first careful sip as he
returned to the living area.
"He has very liberal views on same-sex relationships," Bella
remarked in an offhand way, causing Qui-Gon to almost spit out
his juice. "I wonder what they are teaching temple initiates
these days."
"Much the same program we went through, I believe," Qui-Gon
said when he'd managed to recover his composure. "But you know
how young people are - they believe they have the answers to
all the problems of the universe and are not afraid to defy
tradition."
Bella agreed with Qui-Gon's perception of youth. "I almost
admire Obi-Wan for his tenacity. Ah, to be young again and not
care of the impression you make."
Qui-Gon shot a look at his wife. "Are you saying he creates a
negative impression?"
"Qui-Gon, you know I care for your apprentice. I am concerned
for him, that is all. Perhaps you should teach him to be wary
of advocating such beliefs."
"I think I should encourage him."
That statement caused Bella to almost drop her own glass of
juice all over the hapless plant. "You agree with Obi-Wan's
point of view?"
Taking his time in answering, Qui-Gon slowly relaxed back into
a chair. "In recent years I have reconsidered my own opinions
on a great many teachings. For someone to find love in this
galaxy is truly a wondrous thing. Nothing should come between a
pair who have pledged themselves to each other."
"Like us," Bella said warmly.
"Like us," Qui-Gon echoed. Bella made her way over to him and
squeezed his hand.
"I promised many years ago that I would be with you for all of
my life, Qui-Gon Jinn," she whispered. "I am so glad we have
this promise between us. I only wish..."
"You only wish what?" For once, Qui-Gon chose not to
extrapolate by using their common understanding. He wanted to
hear Bella's words for himself.
"I only wish we could recapture the great love we once had."
"I do love you, Bella," Qui-Gon reassured her. He pulled her
hand to his lips and gently kissed it.
"But you're not happy."
"Life has changed me, Bella. Life has changed us both. Perhaps
I am going through a stage of weariness with this world." He
laughed gently, attempting to lighten the moment. "What matters
is that we are together."
"Yes, we are together. The Force gave us another chance."
Hesitantly, Bella crawled into Qui-Gon's lap and placed her
arms around his neck. She kissed him softly and then rested her
head against his chest. The Force swirled around the pair,
wrapping them in a cocoon of safety and love.
Obi-Wan sensed that Bella was much happier the next afternoon.
"I am beginning to break through his walls," she confided.
"There were always some things he kept from me but now I'm
beginning to understand." She smiled brightly at Obi-Wan. "More
than ever I am convinced that this party will be wonderful."
"Yes," Obi-Wan automatically agreed. He took Bella's arm as was
proper and escorted her to the transport tube which rapidly
took the pair to the shopping district.
The streets were crowded as usual and it wasn't long before
Obi-Wan welcomed the relief of entering a store, even if it was
the type of establishment he usually avoided. He'd never
actually purchased a gift for Qui-Gon before, preferring to
give keepsakes he'd created himself.
Inside it seemed just as crowded as the streets, perhaps even
more so. There was a dizzying array of items, many of them
souvenir type, and Obi-Wan wondered just how did Bella expect
to find the perfect gift in a place like this?
He needn't have worried. As often occurs, the tragedy was
completely unexpected. Just as the pair approached the centre
of the store, there was a violent explosion and the roof came
crashing down, and then Obi-Wan knew nothing but darkness.
Qui-Gon tensed. He was in the middle of a briefing with the
Jedi Council when he felt the tremor race through the Force and
knew instantly that the two most important people in his life
were somehow in grave danger. His eyes widened, and he stumbled
back, just a little. "Obi-Wan!" he murmured, sending out a
reaching tendril.
There was only silence on the other end of their bond. "Bella,"
he tried, ignoring the worried stares from several Council
members. Yoda had closed his eyes, seemingly oblivious to
Qui-Gon's personal pain.
"A danger there is," Yoda announced gravely. "Many have died.
More may soon, if help them we do not." His wizened face
frowned in sorrow. "Unforseen, was this."
"I must go to them," Qui-Gon said. His eyes were asking
permission even as his heart told him to run as fast as he
could.
"Yes, go, Qui-Gon," granted Yoda. "Save those you can." The
small figure swivelled in his chair, mentally selecting those
who were capable of the task that lay ahead. "Mace, Saesee,
Adi, go to help you must."
"Yes," answered Mace, speaking for all of them. He reached out
through the Force and detected the location of the incident.
There was a sense of fire, the smell of gas, crumbling
buildings, many already dead, but the danger was far from over.
Lives hung in the balance.
Without another word, they left the Council chambers,
contacting other able Jedi who were in the vicinity and
directing them down the levels to the shopping district which
had somehow become a haven of death.
No one was able to catch up with Qui-Gon. He summoned all of
his strength and leapt off a landing platform, travelling
between the levels with a speed and skill that only Jedi could
achieve. From one level to the next, a blur of motion few could
even catch sight of, almost mad with desperation to reach his
friends. An air-taxi missed him by inches. He didn't notice.
And when Qui-Gon finally reached the fringes of the disaster,
he could barely detect their presences through the raging
pandemonium. Sirens wailed, not doing anyone much good. Beings
streamed in the dozens away from the smoking disaster area. And
the cries, the cries of the innocent, were almost too much for
him to bear.
Qui-Gon had taken two steps forward when he stumbled over the
broken body of a young girl who had been trampled over by
several. He paused, sending a mental, "I'm sorry," to Obi-Wan
and Bella as he reached down and gently lifted the child,
carrying her away to safety. It seemed to take forever until he
found the first of the arriving rescue workers, and longer
still until there was someone willing to take responsibility
for the child's care.
Back in again, and Qui-Gon was growing desperate. He could no
longer feel either mind and now, Qui-Gon understood that they
had been close to the centre of the blast. Buildings were still
crumbling, slowly, but the stresses of ruptured neighbours were
having an effect.
Qui-Gon shouldered a groaning Wookiee and lifted a young man
with his other arm, helping the wounded survivors leave the
area. Now more than ever the smell of gas was apparent and
Qui-Gon spared only a second to wonder if it was accidental, or
a deliberate sabotage. Not that it mattered at the moment. All
that mattered was getting those that lived away from the area
as soon as possible.
And in that moment, Qui-Gon wasn't even sure if Obi-Wan and
Bella still lived.
Finally! Another Jedi met Qui-Gon on the fringes of the area
and took the survivors. Qui-Gon did not even pause to say thank
you as he raced back into the area, his heart pounding. He
wanted to ignore those he saw on the way but he couldn't. Those
who were staggering under their own power (the flow of people
had almost stopped by now) he did not feel so guilty for
avoiding, but those who lay on the ground, or even worse, those
who were trapped - Qui- Gon was bound to help them.
His heart constricted as he pulled a young boy from the rubble.
The child was dead. And it was only the first of such gruesome
discoveries as Qui-Gon plunged deeper and deeper into the
chaos, sensing rather than seeing the bodies of those upon
which buildings had crumbled.
Eventually, Qui-Gon realised he was no longer alone. Rescue
workers and Jedi alike were combing the ruins cautiously,
finding fewer wounded all the time. On the opposite side of the
disaster Qui-Gon knew the same thing was happening.
And so he closed his eyes, reached out with the Force, and
found nothing, so he concentrated on the earlier implied shout
for help he'd received, pinpointing the location and pushing
his way through the crumbling walls and fires to find them. It
was almost an impossible journey - only the slimmest of tunnels
existed and Qui- Gon was constantly twisting his large frame
into impossible conformations in an effort to push through the
rubble.
It was very dark. It was very quiet, here in the midst of walls
that should not exist. Every sound was muffled to a point where
it was almost like being underwater, the thickness of the air
emphasising the illusion. Hating the need to be cautious,
Qui-Gon continued to push onwards, with every moment hoping and
praying that Obi-Wan and Bella still lived.
The thought of going on without them was incomprehensible. And
Qui-Gon wondered why was it that they had been so close to the
blast? Was it fate? Was it a message from the Force telling him
that what he'd been doing to them was wrong? Telling him to
face his feelings rather than hide behind old promises?
Finally, a flicker of something caught his eye and Qui-Gon
whirled. A padawan braid lay innocently on the floor,
disappearing into a great slab of metal. "No," Qui-Gon
breathed, racing to the wall as fast as he could, hitting his
head on another low point in the process. He did not notice. He
pushed against the metal wall; a limp arm fell from where it
had been wedged. Qui-Gon gathered the hand to his cheek,
feeling cold, feeling lifelessness.
And even as the horrid finality crept over his heart, the
knowledge that the apprentice was dead, Qui-Gon could not
suppress the tiny sigh of relief. Because this wasn't
his padawan, it wasn't Obi- Wan. It was someone else; it
would be another master mourning that night.
"May you be one with the Force," he whispered ritually,
rapidly. He couldn't stay. It was too late for this one.
Again, Qui-Gon resumed his search, despairing every precious
second it took him. The ground shifted beneath his knees.
Perhaps the whole level would soon collapse onto the one below,
and if it did, no one stood a chance of surviving. Qui-Gon sent
a quick message through the Force, broadcasting to anyone
sensitive to hear it that the next level should be evacuated.
Only the dimmest of responses returned saying that it had
already been done.
He found nothing. Nothing! Walls lay in every direction, and
here and there a fire sparked, disturbing the heavy darkness.
Again, he sent out a desperate pulse through the Force,
searching for any sign of life.
And this time, he was rewarded.
A gentle hand stroked his cheek and Obi-Wan groaned. His head
felt heavy, he was almost suffocating, and he struggled to draw
in a breath as a cool hand rested on his forehead, sending what
strength it could.
"Qui-Gon?" he managed.
"Bella," came the soft answer.
And then the memories came flooding back to him. Obi-Wan opened
his eyes, noticing that everything looked unnaturally red and
hazy, then realised that perhaps it wasn't just his vision. The
whole place seemed to be on fire. "We have to get out of here,"
he gasped. He struggled to sit up but it didn't quite work.
"We can't, Obi-Wan," Bella said wearily. It seemed that every
word was an effort. "I tried to use the Force but I'm not
strong enough, and you're in no condition to try...."
"I'm in no condition?" Obi-Wan replied incredulously as he took
a good look at Bella. Like himself, she was pinned underneath
the same slab of ex-roof. Somehow it had fallen on the lower
halves of their bodies, leaving their heads free. For a moment
Obi-Wan almost thanked the blast for throwing them in that
direction, for if their upper bodies had been crushed under the
monolith, there would be little hope at all.
In fact, it was a miracle Bella had even managed to regain
consciousness and tug Obi-Wan back with her. Then again, she
had spent her life encouraging plants to grow and respond, so
why not people?
He looked directly into her eyes, for the first time, it
seemed. "Thank you," he said sincerely, trying to ignore the
line of blood that streamed from her temple.
"I had to," she replied, understanding what the acknowledgment
was for. "Qui-Gon would never forgive me if I let you die."
Briefly, Obi-Wan's eyes closed. He tried to reach out with the
Force, to free them, to reach someone, but a heavy fog had
descended on his mind, and then he recognised it as a self-
preservation mechanism which was blocking out the pain.
He pushed against it. It was useless for the two of them to be
trapped, their lives and all they had worked for would be
wasted if they could not get out. And as if to emphasise the
point, the ground beneath them shifted slightly and the wall
trembled, threatening to crush them completely.
Obi-Wan gasped in pain. Sweat trickled down his face as he
fought to even steady the rubble around them.
"Obi-Wan, save your strength," Bella managed, reaching out to
take his hand in comfort. "Qui-Gon is coming."
And that statement brought a new pain to Obi-Wan, ever so
distant, but still there. "He's in your mind?"
"He woke me up. He was calling for both of us, Obi-Wan. He's
out there. He's searching, he's getting closer." Bella smiled
bravely. "We just have to hold on a little longer."
"Oh." There was nothing more Obi-Wan could say.
"Obi-Wan?" Bella's voice was hesitant and she broke the eye
contact between them. "Are you in love with Qui-Gon?"
There was no denying it anymore, not here when that secret was
so inconsequential. "Yes," Obi-Wan answered. Bella turned away.
"I suspected as much."
Obi-Wan closed his eyes, partially in surprise, partially in
resignation. A wave of greyness, of bleak despair, threatened
to sweep over him. Now Bella would resent his presence even
more and he didn't want that, not when their lives were hanging
in the balance. He tried to move again, and it hurt.
"From the very first, there was something about the way you two
looked at each other. He would speak to me of all things in his
life, the painful truth of Xanatos, his guilt over losing me,
but he would rarely speak of you in the true sense. You were
his secret." Bella paused to cough, the air was growing
stagnant. "I chose to ignore it. I didn't want to believe
Qui-Gon was capable of entering such a relationship."
"We never - we never did anything," Obi-Wan confessed,
partially to reassure her, but mostly to protect Qui-Gon. The
wall shifted further and Bella grimaced in pain.
"He still loves you, you know." The words brought joy to
Obi-Wan's heart. Now he could die in peace.
"You're not going to die!" Bella picked up on his thoughts.
"I feel it, Bella," Obi-Wan replied to help her in any way he could, but he could not
reach the Force through the screaming pain, and after all of
this, he still resented her, because it was Bella
Qui-Gon had contacted and it was Bella he was coming to
save now.
The knowledge heavy in his mind, Obi-Wan released his hold on
life. The fight to stay conscious was too much, and it was best
to slip away quietly, now, before the flames consumed him. He
wanted to say something to Bella, give her a message for
Qui-Gon, but there was nothing he could think of to say.
So he focussed on pure thoughts, on happy thoughts, on his love
for Qui-Gon and the wonderful times they had experienced, and
feeling the Force surround him, he surrendered.
Moments later, Bella too slipped away into darkness.
The link was gone. "No!" Qui-Gon gasped, short of air as the
smoke around him grew thicker. He had been so close! Surely
they couldn't die now? He had been able to sense two presences,
Bella's the stronger of the two, but Obi-Wan was most
definitely alive. Or he had been. Now Qui-Gon could feel
neither of them.
But he knew where he was going. It was just a little further,
but every movement forward took him so much time. The narrow
crawlspace barely existed as such, it was more of a random
opening in amongst the deluge of struts and ceiling. So many
buildings decimated so easily.
And finally, he was there. Qui-Gon pressed his hands against
the metal, knowing that two people lay beyond it. He summoned
all of his strength and he summoned the Force more desperately
than he ever had before and it shifted.
Revealing two broken and battered bodies before him.
"Obi-Wan," he gasped before he could stop himself, racing to
his padawan's side, grasping one hand, some part of his mind
noting the braid lying to the side was soaked in blood.
Obi-Wan's face was empty, his eyes closed. He wasn't breathing.
And then Qui-Gon turned to face Bella, who lay just as deathly
silent. A quick perusal through the Force revealed she was
unconscious and with good reason, the pain of her crushed legs
probably being overwhelming.
Obi-Wan, on the other hand, had released himself to the Force.
As Qui-Gon realised what his padawan was doing, the ground
tipped again and a horrid cracking noise was heard. Flames
which were dying into submission surged high again with the
fresh supply of oxygen filtering through new cracks.
And Qui-Gon knew that if he was to survive this, not to
mention the others, he had to leave now.
The problem being he could only take one of them.
Indecision waged a war across his features. Surely he could
take one to safety and quickly retrieve the other? But Qui-Gon
knew that was impossible with the crumbling state of the
structure, the immense distance to a place beyond this hell,
and the narrowness of the tunnel he'd created.
Who to take? Who to leave? How could Qui-Gon possibly make the
decision? The rational part of Qui-Gon's mind told him to take
the one who had the best chance of living. But there were no
guarantees that Obi-Wan would ever wake up, nor was there
insurance that Bella could survive. Both had been grievously
injured.
A thousand memories raced through Qui-Gon's mind. The first
time he'd laid eyes on Bella, a laughing angel. A serious young
Obi-Wan trying so desperately to impress a potential master.
Exchanging vows on his wedding day. The first time he kissed
Obi-Wan.
Promising himself to Bella forever. And it all came back to
that - his dilemma - "until death do us part". But he could not
be responsible for Bella's death! How could he possibly
leave her after he'd already abandoned her once? How could he
face her death a second time?
Yet how could he leave Obi-Wan, the young man who had his whole
future in front of him? The young man willing to accept death
so that Qui-Gon and Bella could be happy together; his absence
would make everything so much easier.
How was he supposed to choose? It was impossible. And Qui-Gon
was all too aware of the precious seconds ticking past.
He pressed a kiss to Obi-Wan's lips, and then to Bella's.
"Sleep. Stay strong." He wasn't sure if his words were to both
of them or individually, and if the latter were the case, he
didn't know to whom each phrase applied.
It was time to go. His heart heavy, Qui-Gon closed his eyes in
a silent goodbye as he trusted the Force and listened to his
heart. He chose.
And he left.
Never would Qui-Gon forget that desperate race to escape the
crumbling structure. Pushing, pulling the limp form through
impossible gaps, knowing he was doing even more damage to the
fragile body, knowing also that if they didn't get free soon
then rather than just one, all three of them would be dead.
And with every movement forward, there was the terrible
knowledge and guilt of leaving one behind to die. It was a
feeling that would be with him for the rest of his life.
After what seemed hours of battling small spaces, shifting
floors, and caustic air, Qui-Gon broke free of the rubble.
Holding the form close in his arms he ran as fast as he could
manage, sensing through the Force that everything was about to
crumble.
The first person he saw was Mace, who literally tugged them
both away from the area. "Thank the Force, Qui-Gon. You're the
last one. The whole level is about to collapse."
"I have to go back," Qui-Gon gasped, in no condition to do so.
He hadn't noticed the deep scratches he'd picked up, nor had he
noticed the burns. "...still in there..." He was breathing
raggedly but Mace understood him.
"It is too late, Qui-Gon," Mace said gravely. "I grieve for you
and your loss."
"No!" Qui-Gon protested. "Go back!"
And then the cracking noise reached a crescendo and the floor
gave out, condemning tonnes of rubble to a fall which ended in
a most violent crush. A life winked out.
"Let us help you," gentle voices said, barely intruding on Qui-
Gon's mind as he stared, shocked, at the smoking hole. Hands
tried to pull something from his arms but Qui-Gon refused to
give up his precious bundle, holding it closer. He reached into
the Force for healing power, something he was almost too
exhausted to give, but he'd be damned if he gave up the one he
had left. The presence was the only thing that made his choice
easier to bear.
He staggered backwards, feeling arms support him, leading him
back to the domain of the Jedi and the Healers' wing. The
weight in his arms so heavy, so lifeless, and Qui-Gon could
only hope he'd made the right decision.
"Hold on," he whispered, pressing a kiss to the soft hair. To
lose now would be incomprehensible. "Hold on for me."
A pause.
"I love you."
And the person in his arms breathed.
His first awareness came with the touch. Someone was holding
his hand, softly, gently, caressing his fingers with an
intimate tenderness. That feeling alone was enough to make
Obi-Wan want to remain in this state of quasi-life because he
knew the moment he opened his eyes, there was no doubt that
pain would assail him.
Unless he was dead. Which was a very real possibility. Here in
this dark cocoon he almost felt as if he were floating, and he
most definitely felt loved. Surely these were signs of being
one with the Force?
The last thing he remembered was preparing to give up his
spirit into the Force, willingly, so that perhaps he could
return to visit those he'd left behind. Yet if Obi-Wan
concentrated more carefully, besides the pleasurable sensation
of having his hand held there was also the feeling of sheets
beneath him and the horrid scent of bacta in the air.
Obviously he had lived. But how? Obi-Wan's eyes flew open,
hardly daring to hope, and was rewarded with the handsome
smiling face of his master who did not try to hide his joy at
Obi-Wan's awakening.
"Welcome back to the realm of the living, Obi-Wan," he said and
there was a catch in his voice.
Obi-Wan forced his face into a mirroring smile, feeling
twinging aches from both the unused and the damaged muscles. He
did not dare shift, recalling what a mess his legs had been in
the last time he'd seen them, or more correctly, the tops of
them. There was no sense in tempting pain.
"I must admit I am glad to be here, Master." He used the title
formally, unsure of where he stood with Qui-Gon. He then asked
the question that had been tormenting him even before he'd
accepted that he was alive. "Bella?"
Sorrow coloured Qui-Gon's eyes. "I could not save you both."
"You chose me?" The revelation caused Obi-Wan's heart to sing
before other realities came crashing down. There was so much to
consider: perhaps Bella had been beyond saving, or she had
asked Qui-Gon to save him, or maybe Qui-Gon felt the call of
duty to save his padawan rather than his wife.
He had to know. "Why me? You were supposed to save Bella."
Qui-Gon looked down. "In the end, I was selfish, my Obi-Wan.
You were the only one I could ever choose." He grimaced. "It
took a tragedy to make me realise that."
"Oh." Obi-Wan stared at their interlaced fingers. He did not
know where they would go from here.
"I owe you my deepest apology, Obi-Wan."
"For what?" Obi-Wan was genuinely curious. Was Qui-Gon sorry
for saving him? But even as the thought crossed his mind he
knew that wasn't true. Qui-Gon may have felt guilty for
choosing him over Bella, but he wasn't sorry for it.
Sighing, Qui-Gon admitted, "When Bella returned, I made the
wrong choices. I used her reappearance in my life as an excuse
to end our relationship. I hid behind a promise."
"Master, you always taught me to hold promises true," Obi-Wan
interrupted gently. He was rewarded with a bitter laugh.
"Yes, I suppose I did do that, didn't I? And look where it took
me. Obi-Wan, part of me is glad that Bella died." His
hands were trembling. "It took the decision away from me. Since
she was gone I didn't have to decide to break my promise; I was
freed to love whomever I choose."
Obi-Wan could only cling to Qui-Gon's hand, hoping to send
peace and assuage the guilt. His master continued. "But there
is more than that, Obi-Wan. I - I," and it was a difficult
confession, "I was ashamed of our relationship."
It was like a physical blow to Obi-Wan. His own recollection of
those days painted them with the rosy glow of perfection, of
pure, untainted love. He didn't understand how he could have
been so wrong about it all.
"No, it wasn't you," Qui-Gon hastily assured when he saw the
dismay cross Obi-Wan's face. "I kept my feelings on the matter
well hidden. And for that too I must apologise. I should have
trusted you with everything, not just my heart."
"Why ashamed, Master?" Obi-Wan ventured. "Was it my youth, or
the fact that we are master and apprentice, or was it my
gender?"
"All three of those," Qui-Gon admitted, "with an emphasis on
the third. You know the teachings, Obi-Wan, and it was
difficult for me to examine them from the correct perspective."
Qui-Gon's free hand hesitantly reached out and touched
Obi-Wan's cheek. "You have taught me much about love, Padawan,
and you have taught me how my beliefs can be wrong."
Staring at Qui-Gon, Obi-Wan was careful to avoid feelings of
inadequacy and concentrate on the compliment for what it was.
Qui- Gon had just told him he was past the prejudice, albeit in
a roundabout way. "Perhaps all of this was meant to happen,"
Obi-Wan realised. "We trust in the Force to guide us...it may
have been necessary. Master, had Bella not returned, would our
relationship ever have progressed beyond what it was? Or would
we have been forced to hide in the shadows for the rest of our
lives?"
"I do not know, Padawan," Qui-Gon replied, the title an
endearment. "I sense that you are right about the latter but
one can never be sure."
"We can be sure about the future," Obi-Wan boldly ventured. He
sent out a mental caress, being too weak to do anything
physical, and was rewarded to feel Qui-Gon's shields crumbling.
The smile creeping across Qui-Gon's face suddenly turned
serious as he asked, "Will you forgive me?"
The question caused Obi-Wan to pause. He still loved Qui-Gon
more than anyone. Yet he had learnt that he could exist on his
own, and he had learnt disturbing things about the man he
thought he knew so well. Could Obi-Wan be sure that no more
unpleasant secrets lurked?
"I will make you a promise, Obi-Wan," Qui-Gon said. "I tell you
now there are no more secrets. You have seen my worst side." He
took a breath, looking deep into Obi-Wan's eyes. "I only hope
you can forgive me for it. And I promise you that I will keep
nothing hidden from you again."
More than anything, Obi-Wan wanted to believe Qui-Gon's words.
He was losing himself in the beguiling eyes, hearing words he
wanted to hear, but still his heart longed for more, a
different kind of vow. "Can you keep that promise?" he asked.
"Surely there will be times when the Council requires you to
keep things to yourself."
Qui-Gon nodded gravely. "Again, you are correct, my Obi-Wan.
How is it that you have so much wisdom?"
"I was taught by the best," Obi-Wan answered. "Master -
Qui-Gon," he amended. "I forgive you," and he was rewarded with
an overwhelming sense of relief, "but on one condition."
"Anything."
"I need to know, truly and honestly, where we stand."
Qui-Gon chuckled gently. "I had thought that would be obvious
by now."
Evidence was not enough. Obi-Wan needed to hear Qui-Gon
say it. "Tell me, Master," he asked.
Qui-Gon moved even closer to Obi-Wan's bedside, leaning over so
that his face was a short way above the younger man's. He
pressed one hand to Obi-Wan's heart. "I love you, my Obi-Wan,"
he declared. "I wish to spend the rest of my life with you."
"Is that a promise?" Obi-Wan felt compelled enough to ask.
"Yes."
"Then may I promise you the same in return," said Obi-Wan, his
smile returning. "I love you, Qui-Gon."
Then Qui-Gon sealed the distance between them with a kiss. It
was gentle, soft and sweet, but with a promise of passion that
had never before been so intense between them. "I won't make
you hide in the shadows any longer," Qui-Gon murmured against
the warm mouth. Obi-Wan's response was to intensify the kiss,
gently sucking on Qui-Gon's lower lip.
For long minutes they kissed, gently exploring the other's
mouth with the delicacy and the desire of a first kiss. Tongues
met and merged, breath was exchanged, and all the while,
Obi-Wan felt Qui- Gon letting him deeper and deeper into his
mind.
It was pure love.
Finally, though, the awkwardness of their positions became
apparent and Qui-Gon had to pull away lest he fall on top of
his apprentice. Obi-Wan still lacked movement throughout his
body even though Qui- Gon had quite sufficiently managed to
chase the pain away.
Obi-Wan almost groaned in frustration. "How long until I am
healed?" he asked.
"That all depends on your state of mind and your will to get
up," Qui-Gon replied, gently teasing.
"Then I feel I shall be up very shortly," Obi-Wan countered,
his heart singing as he returned to the banter which had been
missing from his life for so long. Finally, everything was as
it should be, in fact, it was even better.
"There is a difficult road ahead of us," Qui-Gon cautioned.
"There are many who will frown on our relationship and still
more who will condemn us."
"We can still be discreet," Obi-Wan said. It took a lot of
effort, but he raised his hand to touch Qui-Gon's heart,
mirroring the motion executed some time ago. "Qui-Gon, as long
as I have you, then nothing else really matters."
"What did I do to deserve you?" Qui-Gon asked, his eyes
shining.
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