ARCHIVE: M&A, my page at The Hidden Realm
(www.ravenswing.com/YoGurt), anyone else please ask.
CATEGORY: Humor/Parody
RATING: PG
WARNINGS/SPOILERS: None
DISCLAIMER: Oh Flannelled One, how do I love thee, let me
count the ways ... kooky merchandise amongst them!
NOTES: This was written in response to Master Ruth's holiday
gift challenge. I just looooove the trinket of very cheesy TPM
merchandise I was given! **does happy hamster dance** Also see
end of the story. Thanks go to Cassie for a quick and dirty
beta, and to Sneezer for enlightening me about a certain little
interactive something. Thanks to both of you!
Feedback: Please, always appreciated at
quigon_jinn21@hotmail.com
The young man let his eyes roam over the head of the object he
was holding carefully in his hands, let his fingers run over
the smooth top, exploring its texture and contours. It felt
good in his hands, very nice indeed. After a while his look
fell to a small opening at its back, and puzzled he looked at
his Master for guidance.
"Master ... what's that ... hole ...?"
"You put this, like so. Very easy, you try it,
Padawan." The Master demonstrated, quickly inserting the long,
rigid object into the hole. A small giggle was heard,
accompanied by a much deeper, more resonant, yet somewhat
subdued chuckle.
"Go on, suck on it, that's what it's there for. It's fun," the
older man tried to reassure his young apprentice.
"I ... Master, I can't, this is so ... weird. Master
Windu would ..."
"Master Windu would do it himself if he would have just an
ounce of his old sense of mischief left in him. Alas, his
position on the Council..." The Master trailed off. It was
Mace's loss, after all! Encouragement in his eyes, he again
looked at the Padawan who knelt at his feet while he sat in one
of the alcoves that lined the hallways of the Jedi Temple.
"Come now, don't be shy. Others would give their right arm or
other appendage for what I am offering to you here. Now ... put
it into your mouth and start sucking, Obi-Wan! It won't hurt, I
promise." Master Qui-Gon Jinn soothingly advised the young Jedi
at his feet.
Hesitation played around Obi-Wan's face, and he felt the first
sure signs of flushing on his cheeks. That his Master, of all
Jedi he knew, would offer this to him! He was awe-struck by the
trust and the courage Qui-Gon showed. To share this unique
item, offering it to him, and him alone.
Obi-Wan felt very special, and again his hands examined the it
once again, turning it around, paying close attention to even
the smallest detail.
Indeed, Master Windu would be appalled would he have knowledge
about this!
"Oh, rest assured - he doesn't!" Qui-Gon had easily picked up
on his Padawan's thoughts, unshielded as they were. "He would
greatly admonish me if he knew about this, and that I showed
this to you, Obi-Wan." The Master snorted in a barely repressed
fit of merriment as his young student tentatively opened his
mouth and started to suck on his Master's offering. After a
minute he looked up at Qui-Gon once more, his eyes mirroring
the question his mind tried to formulate at that moment.
"Can you blow on it as well?" Obi-Wan's lips parted even
before his Master had given his permission. Qui-Gon looked on
as Obi-Wan explored, tasted ... yes, in fact enjoyed
what he was doing!
"Yes, Obi-Wan, you may blow on it as well. But be careful,
don't take too much into your mouth at once," the older man
guided his apprentice.
"So ... you like the taste?" Experienced eyes shone down onto
Obi-Wan as he alternated between sucking and blowing, and then
resorted to sucking again, taking in another gulp of the
sticky, whitish fluid.
"Hmmmm ... Hmmmm!" A tiny drop spilled out of Obi-Wan's
mouth and he almost choked at the sight of the two figures
coming up to them right behind his Master.
"Mmmmmhhh, hmmm..." There was a certain urgency in Obi-Wan's
voice as he hastily gulped the contents of his mouth down,
struggling to stand up from the floor. Alarmed, Qui-Gon turned
his head and moved to stand up himself when he recognized the
men approaching rapidly.
"Master Yoda, Mace!" he said, bowing and attempting to hide
the offending item from their view. With a quick motion he drew
his robe tightly around his length - to no avail.
"Qui-Gon! How could you! Didn't I specifically ask you not to
implement your "scheme" until the Council had a better
understanding of the implications of what exactly your plan
would entail? Didn't you agree not to compromise our stance on
this issue? Now, look at you!"
Mace was clearly exasperated by this display of sheer
obstinacy his friend had shown -- no wonder Qui-Gon would never
sit on the Council, Mace thought and helplessly looked down at
his fellow Councillor. Master Yoda barely reached up to his
knees, but was fuming and thus a most commanding presence
nonetheless.
"Yes, your idea to promote the Council, its members, make them
"user friendly" to young initiates and Padawans -- failed it
has! Laugh at us, they do. Snickering they are, behind our
backs! Stop this, you must, Qui-Gon!" Master Yoda's ears
agitatedly flapped up and down as he shakily held a little
green doll into his hands, showing it to his former Padawan and
Obi-Wan for closer inspection.
"Ridiculous, this is!" he huffed as the little Muppet-like
figurine of Master Yoda sputtered out such wisecracks as "Let
the Force flow" and "The Force is mighty, brilliant and wise!"
"Wrong syntax it uses, correctly I speak, not garbled like
that. Ridiculous, Sith!" the little, very livid Master kept
complaining to his former student.
"Yes, Qui-Gon, I think you've gone distinctly too far with
your brilliant PR idea to promote awareness of the Jedi
Council! And this is unbelievable..." Mace went on,
grabbing the plastic container with lid from under Qui-Gon's
robe, holding it up to get a better look at it.
It was a plastic cup, about 15 inches tall, with a lid that
looked like ... Mace Windu, complete with bald head and
movable arms, not to forget the hole in its back to insert the
long, over-dimensional straw into it to consume whatever this
cup had been filled with.
Suspiciously Mace opened the lid, sniffing at the contents of
the cup.
"As I thought - Kilgrana syrup. You know how hyper the young
ones get after they drink this unhealthy concoction." And with
a very disgusted face Mace poured the white liquid into one of
the potted plants that lined the alcove.
"Get rid of this ... NOW! And I hope, for your own sake, that
this is but the prototype of this ... thing!" Mace
disgustedly uttered as he closed his fingers around his plastic
likeness. At his last words the Councillor had turned an even
darker shade of ... well, dark, if that was possible. Ruefully
Qui-Gon tucked his hands into his robe sleeves, guiltily
looking from one Master to the other.
"Yes, it's the only one, Mace. But you should have seen how
much fun it was when Obi-Wan ..." Recognizing that tell-tale
vein on Mace's forehead that always appeared before his friend
bordered on popping his "lid", so to speak, Qui-Gon lowered his
eyes and apologetically looked at his former Master.
"Sith this doll is, get rid of it as well, you will.
Mind-sweeps for everyone who played with it, there shall be!
Forget we must this disaster, hm!" And for emphasis Yoda tapped
his cane onto the hard floor, his taps echoing ominously
through the halls.
"Yes, my Master, I shall collect all Yoda dolls and ..."
letting his glance sweep over to Mace, "... this cup ornament,
all shall disappear, as you wish." //Spoilsport!// Qui-Gon
added to himself, but his thoughts were mirrored so clearly on
his face, Mace couldn't help but shoot a withering look in
Qui-Gon's direction.
"You wait, my friend, until there will be dolls of
you and your Padawan around ... dressed up in all sorts
of ridiculous garb!" For an instant, Mace's face brightened, as
if precognizance had struck him out of nowhere, before he gave
a short nod in Qui-Gon's and Obi-Wan's direction, effectively
dismissing them.
A sad little look showed on Obi-Wan's face as he longingly
took one last look at the Mace Windu Ornamental Cup Topper.
"I'm sorry, Obi-Wan, but you've heard the Masters." With long
faces both Master and Padawan went their way, leaving Mace and
Yoda standing in the hall, still cursing the day they ever had
listened to Qui-Gon's little public relations campaign.
"The Sith will come back before we'll ever live that one
down!" Mace groaned and covered his eyes with his hand.
"Fear I do, Sith will come indeed." Both Councillors turned on
their heels to start damage control for their bruised and
battered egos.
The End!
Additional notes: The 32 oz. cup and cup topper/lid in the
shape of Mace Windu was one of 12 different ones issued by
three fast food chains (Taco Bell, KFC and Pizza Hut), a
picture of which can be seen here:
http://www.toyspress.co.jp/gradener/pepsi/cap/may113.jpg
Archive 