WARNINGS: None, though I should mention that it begins with
Qui-Gon having a romantic interest in Obi-Wan when he is 16,
but be assured that everything is totally above board until
Obi-Wan is much older. This is NOT chanslash.
NOTES: The story was first published in the zine, Living
Force.
This is a bouncing point-of-view story, told by our Jedi over
the course of over five years.
1)
Qui-Gon:
I confess that I fell in love first. Already by the time he
was the age of fifteen and a half, I could see what manner of
man he was going to become, and I became slowly aware of not
only his physical beauty, but his depth of mind and his grace
of spirit. And before I knew it, I was deeply in love. Of
course I kept every shred of my feelings from him. He was too
young. And he was my apprentice. I would never risk his future
as a Jedi Knight by indulging in my regard for him.
At first, I reveled in my new knowledge, thinking vainly of a
lovely future someday for the two of us, Knights together
serving the Republic, then, thankfully, I shortly curbed my
immature fantasies as the horror of what I was embarking upon
came finally to my awareness.
I'd done this before. Fallen for an apprentice. I still had
scars from that utter disaster.
I did not love Xanatos, I told myself, hoping in
retrospect that it was true. I was only infatuated with him,
filled with my own pompous pride that I had trained such a
treasure. But then I had ignored so many signs, even
ignored the cautions of my own master, Yoda. Xanatos. So
bright, so beautiful, and so utterly false, using my blind
admiration against me. No... I did not love Xanatos because I
did not truly know his heart, did not see the darkness lurking
within.
But what of now? Obi-Wan and I had already been through a
great deal together, and his unwavering support and assistance
was of tremendous value to me. Even in our earliest encounters
he was selfless and giving, attributes that his predecessor
never had. And within his breast pulsed a heated passion for
the principles for which we shared a love, that which made us
Jedi. His dedication to the order matched mine at a very early
age. An early desire for glory and approval had eased in him as
he matured, though he still had a long way to go yet. He still
ached to please his master, win my approval. Yes, I believed I
knew Obi-Wan.
I wanted this love to be different, and I knew Obi-Wan
was different. But I had years of keeping my silence ahead of
me, years to allow him to grow to full maturity and to full
Knighthood. I could not, would not interfere with that process.
It would be my greatest challenge, to hold myself for a future
hope...
And, of course, there was the hope that one day he could come
to love me in the same way. I could not assume as much.
As soon as our duties allowed, we made our way to Coruscant
where I told him I had "business" with Master Yoda that I
needed to see to immediately. If Obi-Wan had wondered about my
unusual silence of late, he gave no sign, placidly seeing to
our things without asking. Did he avoid my gaze? I barely
looked at him to tell. I needed to speak to my own master. This
was too important to keep my own counsel on, keep inside.
Yoda received me in the gardens beside a small waterfall where
he had often met with me for instructions. As he perched
himself on a small boulder, he waved at me with his gimmer
stick to sit closer to his level. Obediently I folded myself
into a sitting position on the soft moss, crossing my legs in
front of me. We were now eye-to-eye. Yoda made his usual
opening remark about his former padawan being so "big" - I
never knew how to take that - then stated calmly, "Your
apprentice... well he does, hmmm?"
I looked upon the little ancient master with the fondness I
did indeed feel for him, knowing he could see right through me.
"Yes, my master," I replied, willing myself to calmness.
"Obi-Wan is doing very well."
Then he narrowed his eyes at me and got straight to the point,
speaking directly to my mind, Troubled, your heart is.
Because of your apprentice?
I replied in like, Yes, Master Yoda. I am growing to love
him deeply for himself, yet I fear to repeat the greatest
mistake of my life. And of course, I have to keep anything I
feel from him until he is much older... depending on how far
along his training is, of course. Though it had been many
years since my own apprenticeship, there was still the
comforting shell of our Master/Padawan mental bond, just a
lingering wisp of which I was glad to keep hold. Nothing of
course like what I shared with Obi-Wan now. Though now... my
shields were up hard against my padawan. They had to be.
Two very different padawans, they, Yoda commented
solemnly, his green eyes regarding me thoughtfully. Very
different. Brought together by the Force, you and Obi-Wan were.
You know that.
Sighing, I nodded, remembering only too painfully well how I
had resisted taking Obi-Wan on as a Padawan Learner. Yes,
Master, I agreed, folding my arms in my robe sleeves.
Perhaps the Force brought us together for more than just his
training...
He knocked at my knee with his stick. Read you, I must,
Qui-Gon. Determine the purity of your feelings for him, I
will... all important, this is.
I know, I know, I replied fervently, knowing it all too
well. Why else do you think I came to you, Master? I do not
want to err in this!
I felt a slight comforting sensation in my mind. Yoda was
reaching out to calm me, as he used to. Calm yourself, you
must, he murmured. Read you, I will, then we will
meditate together, hear what the Force tells us.
I nodded, then closed my eyes, composing myself and settling
into a light trance, careful to open my shields only to him. I
felt him in my mind like soft paper against skin, no more. We
sat in silence for another ten minutes while he read me. I felt
no fear in it, knowing there was not a better mind inside which
I could place myself. I trusted Master Yoda with my life and
heart.
Finally he made a soft noise, rousing me. I opened my eyes and
looked into his, wondering what he saw. Fortunately, he did not
seem too surprised or disturbed by what was in my mind.
Hmmm, careful, you have been, Qui-Gon, Yoda replied at
last. Understand, you do, how critical your care is. Young,
he is. Your apprentice, he is. Everything else must come after
that.
Yes, Master, I returned, sighing. I know. If I have
to turn him over to another master, I will do that in order to
protect him...
I was unprepared for the vehemence of Yoda's response.
Leave him, you will NOT. Together, you must be. Even if
forget your love for him you must. Your apprentice, he must
be.
"Master," I murmured in surprise. "Yes, of course. I will keep
my feelings from him, then." If I can, I added to
myself.
"No if," Yoda snapped back at me, and I belatedly
remembered my shields were still down to him. "A child still,
he is. Teach him, you will. Protect his future, you must. When
he is ready... love him you may."
"If he returns that love," I added, daring to say "if" after
he'd just thrown the word back at me. I smiled to soften my
insubordination. "There's a huge difference in our ages, after
all..."
Yoda snorted, both at my attitude and the comment I'd just
made. "Love cares nothing for age," he retorted. "Compatible
you are. Same species, you are. When both adults you are, age
means nothing."
I managed to keep a smirk off my face, but just barely. "Yes,
my Master."
"You do not love him now," Yoda observed.
I didn't know what he meant at first, then I realized the
truth of it. "I... ah, well, no, I cannot love a youth that
way, of course. I love what I see him becoming, the man he will
be. I do love him. Just not... romantically. Not yet."
He peered at me strangely then, and I wondered if he would
snort again or just laugh at his over-big padawan. Yoda was so
often - outside the Temple walls, that is - mistaken for some
odd little eccentric. But I knew him to be deep of mind and
spirit, with a measured perspective second to none. "Send him
to me. Determine his state of mind, I will. Advise you then, I
can."
I felt relief, knowing that Yoda could be objective enough to
test whether I'd been discrete enough with Obi-Wan. "Yes,
Master, I will send him to you right away. Thank you."
As I stood, I heard another rumble from him. "Fed you too
well, I did..."
I bowed and hastily departed before I dared to laugh in front
of him.
"Obi-Wan," I murmured quietly when I found him. He was in our
quarters, as usual sprawled on his bed on his stomach, reading
from his datapad. He shifted and sat up, a beautiful, graceful
movement. I sighed.
"Yes, Master?" my padawan inquired, his open, clean face so
trusting.
"Master Yoda would speak with you, Padawan," I explained,
firmly putting my feelings where they belonged - deep within.
"He is in the gardens."
He nodded, rising immediately. As I stood by he hastily pulled
on his boots, then fastened his belt. "Is everything all right,
Master?" he inquired as he drew his robe over his
shoulders.
"Of course everything is all right, Padawan," I said smoothly.
Unconsciously I reached out and touched his padawan braid -
already an old habit of mine, revealing nothing more than a
little pride and affection for my apprentice.
He smiled at me, then departed swiftly without another word.
Sighing again, I knelt to meditate.
Obi-Wan:
Master Qui-Gon was so often cryptic or secretive that in two
and a half years I'd already taught myself not to flinch every
time I thought he was keeping something from me. But, after
all, he was the Master, and it was not my place to question him
or ply him for information. A Jedi Master keeps his own counsel
or seeks that of his peers or elders... not an apprentice. So
when he sent me to Grandmaster Yoda after talking with him
himself, I was already telling myself severely not to overreact
and assume the worst.
I used to be very good at that... assuming the worst while
hoping for the best. Now I tried to hold myself in readiness
for... whatever, and not get worked up. Not that I was perfect
at that. As I walked to the Temple gardens to meet my
grandmaster, I did have a bit of a nervous stomach.
When I found him, I knelt immediately before the little
master. "Good afternoon, Grandmaster Yoda," I greeted him with
a smile. I owed this little guy so much... his persistence both
with the Council and with Master Jinn had made it possible for
me to be a Padawan Learner when I was nearly too old.
"Hmmmm, grown you have," Yoda observed, peering at me as he
leaned on his stick. "A good Padawan for Master Qui-Gon you
are, hmmmm?"
I couldn't help the grin. "I hope so, yes, Grandmaster Yoda.
He's a wonderful teacher... but then I hear he was taught by
the best himself."
The little Jedi Master snorted, which hopefully meant he was
only amused. "A Jedi Master must teach his Padawan Learner
about more than being a Jedi, hmmm? Taught you about sex, has
he?"
I should have known Yoda would be blunt. But "sex" was
truthfully the last word I'd expected to hear him say. "Ah, no,
ah, we were taught at the Temple..."
"Besides that - of the age to be curious you are, young
Padawan," he persisted. Of course he knew that we had been
taught all that in our classes here at the Temple - before I
became Qui-Gon's Padawan. "Try it out with your friends here,
perhaps?"
Oh, is THIS what this is all about? I thought to
myself, relieved. I had thought this was all about Master
Qui-Gon, how we were getting along, how my training was
proceeding... "Ah... perhaps," was all I said. Now I remembered
- there had been that cryptic little conversation with my
master a couple months ago about having "other experiences" and
needing to arrange visits with my friends on Coruscant. When he
started talking about finding "partners" and I realized what he
was referring to, I must have blushed so red that he broke off
the conversation after I stammered something about
understanding. It wasn't one of our most comfortable
chats...
Although he had looked very intently at me... for a long time.
I looked back as long as I could, but could not figure out what
that was for. I chalked it up to my master studying me. Perhaps
he was reading our bond, I don't know. I didn't dare ask.
"Prepared, you are?" Yoda asked.
I don't know which was worse, talking about this with
Yoda or talking about it with my very private master. I
don't know why talking about personal things with Master
Qui-Gon unnerved me so. Well, he rather was larger than
life in many ways... "Ah, yes, Grandmaster Yoda." I knew what
he was referring to. All Jedi students or Padawans had to be
"fixed", which meant a minor medical treatment to render them
sterile until they reached the age of twenty Standard years at
which time that condition would be reversed. Nearly all
Republic cultures followed such a practice.
Suddenly the stick was poking at my chest. "Prepared in here,
I mean," Yoda added, seeing the way of my thoughts
evidently.
"I... I don't know what you mean, Grandmaster," I stammered,
confused.
"Involved will your heart be," Yoda said solemnly.
"Inevitable, this. Find relief with your friends, you may. Find
something deeper... you also may. Prepared for this to happen
you must be... or decide... allow or not allow. Rethink your
priorities you might, Padawan."
Wow, Yoda could be so... so... well, sometimes I felt like he
could see straight through me and all inside me. "My first
priority, Grandmaster Yoda," I said as calmly as I could, "is
to train to be a Jedi Knight. And to obey Master Qui-Gon.
Everything else must fall behind that."
Now I got a long look from Grandmaster Yoda. And the stick was
still poking me in the chest. "Read you, I will, Padawan. Allow
me in, you must."
All right, well, that was the second to last thing I expect
Grandmaster Yoda to say to me. "Read me?" My voice cracked, the
pitch of my voice higher than usual. I gulped and recovered as
gracefully as I could. "Yes, of course, Grandmaster
Yoda."
We closed our eyes and I immediately worked to lower my
shields and calm my mind, though I was a little fearful at what
he might find there. I knew I was still too anxious about so
many things, even as to whether Master Qui-Gon still wanted me
as Padawan. Which was so foolish... he may not say as much to
me, but I know I pleased him and was doing well in my training.
When he told me he was going to talk to Yoda as soon as we
returned to Coruscant, my silly mind immediately wondered
whether I had done something wrong and he needed advice on how
to handle me.
"Calm yourself, I said, Padawan," Yoda snapped suddenly.
I calmed. As I'd been trained to do, I let my thoughts quiet,
laying down my petty fears and worries.
I don't think this took longer than five minutes, but it
seemed like an hour at least before he knocked on my knee with
his stick, signaling that he was finished. I took a deep breath
and opened my eyes, looking for his reaction. Again that long
look.
"Go, you may, Padawan. Be well, and may the Force be with
you," was all he said.
Everything must be as he expected, I thought, not sure
if I should be relieved or not. I stood and bowed to him. "May
the Force be with you, Grandmaster Yoda."
"One more thing, Padawan..." He peered up at me, gesturing
with the stick. "Find several partners you should. But your
heart... risk not. Someday, a great love will it hold."
How does he know these things? I wondered, but bowed
again, grateful for the advice. "Yes, Grandmaster Yoda... thank
you."
I think he smiled. "Tell Master Qui-Gon I will see him again.
Worry, you should not. All is well, Padawan."
"Yes, Grandmaster," I breathed, the balm of his words
spreading a welcome relief through me. All was well. Yoda was
just checking on a favorite Padawan, I hoped.
2)
Master Qui-Gon looked up at me immediately as I entered.
"Padawan," he murmured, "all is well?"
I don't know why, but I felt happy... happy to have passed
Yoda's scrutiny, I guess. Happy to be back at my Master's side,
certainly. "Yes, Master," I replied, smiling. I don't even
mind that you didn't warn me, I added in my mind.
Again Qui-Gon Jinn looked at me in that intense, measuring way
of his. I stood still and endured it, confident that he would
be pleased with what he saw. "What did Master Yoda tell you?"
he inquired mildly, as usual not letting me get any clue as to
what he might be thinking or feeling.
I decided to be straight-forward. "Lots of things. And I
quote, 'Find several partners you should. But your heart...
risk not. Someday, a great love will it hold.' Do you think
he's seen some sort of vision about me, Master?" I wanted very
much to see Qui-Gon Jinn's reaction to that.
Of course he disappointed me. The solemn, handsome visage was
unmoved. "I do not know, Padawan. But I would say he gave you
very good advice. You do have a lot to... offer the right
person. But in time, of course. Meanwhile, we shall be on
Coruscant for the better part of a week, I believe. You should
seek out your peers while we are here, as he suggested. It is
my advice as well."
As he spoke, settling into "Master voice", Qui-Gon reached up
and touched my padawan braid. A tiny shiver went through me, a
little pleasurable thing that told me that my stiff, formal
Master did indeed care about me in some way.
"Yes, Master," I breathed, leaning forward, unconsciously
wanting more of that caring. But his hand was already dropping.
I swallowed, then added, "Master Yoda wants to see you
again."
The brief moment of affection had passed. I saw his demeanor
close up as he nodded, his eyes averted. "Thank you, Padawan.
You may go now."
I went, and almost immediately ran into one of my old friends
from my Temple days, Garen Muln, who had been accepted as
Padawan a year and a half ago. He was only a little younger
than me, also accepted finally by a Master when he was nearly
too old to remain at the temple. I wondered whether his master
had been in contact with mine in order to get us here at the
same time... "Hey, Garen!" I greeted him gladly, happy to see
him despite whatever duplicity our masters had been up to.
"Funny meeting you on Coruscant, Gar."
He blushed, and I knew we'd been set up. "Yeah... funny that.
Do you, er, mind?"
Oh, what the hell, I thought, suddenly very glad to see
him. I slung my arm around his shoulder. To my relief, he
slipped his arm around my waist. "Let's go somewhere to, er,
talk, okay?"
Garen smiled and nodded.
Two years later, Qui-Gon:
We met in the same garden a couple years later... at Yoda's
request. It had nearly been mine; I'd wanted to lay all my
cares at my former Master's feet again, but had been
inordinately busy by unconscious design or otherwise. I'd kept
us busy, the boy and myself, as it gave me less time to think
about the condition of my heart. Not a boy, though... Obi-Wan
was all but a man, less than six months now until he was
eighteen. He'd nearly reached his adult height by now, and had
filled out beautifully, hard and muscled.
Oh, yes, I was deeply in love. Still, of course, I kept my
silence, keeping a severe chokehold on my desires. But when his
attention wasn't on me, when he looked the other way or when
our mental bond - which had deepened as we'd grown closer - was
shielded, I let my expression soften to reveal my love...
I had some narrow escapes. Even so, despite my vigilance, I
think he might have guessed. So when Yoda indicated it was time
for another of "those" visits, I ran. "Grandmaster Yoda," I
breathed, kneeling gladly to him.
I saw his eyes widen, and I smiled, for I knew he would see
immediately. He knew me so well... "So, love him you do,
Qui-Gon," Yoda murmured, nodding at me thoughtfully. "Know
this, he does?"
I was eager to reassure him. "Yes, I do love him, but of
course he does not know. I will not risk his training, you know
that." I ended with a note of sternness, sobering. This was
extremely important to me... my responsibility as Obi-Wan's
Master.
"How can he not, Qui-Gon Jinn, hmmm?" Yoda fixed his gaze on
me, his large green eyes narrowed. "Glowing, you are."
Grandmaster, I control myself around him, I thought at
him, closing my eyes as I took a deep breath, steadying myself.
He only knows that I care for him. As his teacher and as a
friend.
Hmmmm, difficult time this is, Qui-Gon, he replied in
same, nodding as he watched me. I did not have to look at him
to know his facial expressions. Seek relief, you
do?
I should have been expecting him to say something like that,
but it took me aback anyway. Ah... yes. When
alone.
Not good. Find a partner, you shall. Until he is ready. Or
else suffer you both shall. His mental tone was firm.
I was shocked. My eyes flew open. I... I don't understand,
my Master...
Suffer in silence you cannot much longer, Qui-Gon, Yoda
instructed me. Sense it, your padawan will. If not already.
A temporary relationship you shall begin with another.
Otherwise carry the tension to him through the Force, you will.
Through your bond. Risk that, you cannot.
I don't want another relationship... I began to
protest. This was unthinkable. How could I touch another when
all I wanted was...
That is why, Qui-Gon. Too much at risk. Danger already
exists.
I stared at him in dismay. How will I explain it to him?
How can I risk his misunderstanding? And whomever it would
be... they would have to accept that the... the relationship
would be temporary, only a few years. Who would agree to
that?
Although Yoda was not human, I knew well that he'd studied the
human heart and psyche long in his many years. I did not doubt
that he knew what he was talking about. Have you no friend
who would do this for you, Qui-Gon? he asked solemnly. I
know you have many friends. Consider them well...
Now I allowed myself to contemplate the possibility. I did not
want this, but Yoda had a strong point on me. I ached for
Obi-Wan. I was in danger of letting him know. And it was no
time for that. Besides, I was also in danger of losing my
objectivity toward him as his teacher. His training was at
risk. I had to do all I could to prevent harming his future.
Thinking about my scattered circle of friends, I began to think
of one or two... It could put that friendship at grave risk
as well, I told Yoda, sighing.
He wasn't sympathetic, of course. Matters of the heart puts
all at risk. Priorities you will set. Sacrifice, hmmm, yes, you
might make. Worth it, it shall be one day, Qui-Gon.
I sensed his caring, and realized that he did know what
trouble I'd gotten my heart into. And that it mattered to him
that I resolved this, that I do what I must to see this through
until the day that - hopefully - Obi-Wan and I could begin our
life together as lovers.
Tell your padawan that upon my advice, this relationship
you need. Short term. You do not need to tell him
why.
I nodded. Very well.
"Now," Yoda said aloud, "send your padawan to me, you
will."
I stood and bowed to him. "Yes, my Master."
When I reached our quarters, I discovered him leaning into a
liplock with a lovely young female Padawan acquaintance named
Sherra who had him pinned against the wall. Discretely I
cleared my throat. The two young near-adults flew apart
abruptly, in fact Obi-Wan had nearly shoved her away from him
as he heard me.
"Excuse me, Padawan Sherra, but I need to speak to my
apprentice a moment," I said mildly. I knew they'd been keeping
company. Their attachment seemed to be growing, something that
I knew I had to allow... or explain my objection. That I could
not do.
"Of course, Master Qui-Gon," she said smoothly, then winked at
Obi-Wan as her gaze passed his, then she turned and left
us.
Obi-Wan turned a guilty look up to me, to my surprise.
"Master, I won't do that again in public, I promise..." He
looked hastily after the departing girl, then added in a hushed
voice so she could not hear, "I don't think I can see her
anymore anyway. I need to concentrate on my studies more,
Master."
Things had been quiet between us of late. But somehow on
Coruscant, with the ease of our usual hectic schedules, small
things that had been simmering seemed to flare up. I read
tension in him, even... anguish. Something was wrong, something
he'd been very careful to keep from me.
"Come inside," I said to him, hastily, my hand on his back.
When I closed the door behind us, he edged away from me.
"Padawan, please tell me what is troubling you."
He walked away, then turned and looked back. "You visited with
Grandmaster Yoda, sir?"
"Yes... he wants to see you, too."
Obi-Wan nodded, and I could see him steadying himself, using
the disciplines I'd taught him to get himself under control.
What was going on?
"Master, please let me talk with Grandmaster Yoda first... and
then I will talk with you." He'd been avoiding my eyes, but now
he looked up, pleading. "Please?"
class="c1">
Someday I will call that small green monster on the carpet for
interfering with my life. Again he seemed to have already
"interceded" on my behalf, for less than an hour later, I met
up with a member of the Jedi Council who apparently had been
looking for me.
"Depa," I greeted her, hoping this was a coincidence, but
fearing it was not. In fact, I'd already had her on my mind,
but Yoda would have known this, so... "Something tells me
you've been talking to Yoda lately."
Depa Billaba was a good friend... and a deeply contemplative
Jedi Master who was widely sought for her wisdom in spiritual
matters. Although she was a lot younger than I was, we'd gotten
to be friends when I'd accompanied her to visit various
religious orders on a study tour for the Temple, a trip that
took several months because the orders were so widely scattered
around the galaxy. It was a remarkable experience... and it
helped me recover from the loss of my second apprentice in
part. Our nightly meditations together, Depa and I, had drawn
me back from my despair.
She laughed and took my arm as she began to walk with me. "I
have no need to, Qui-Gon," she explained warmly. "I have seen
for myself what he has. And I can't tell you how glad I am that
you're in love, though it pains me to see how you must hold
back."
I stopped suddenly to look down at her. "How did you
know?"
She stilled, closing her eyes as if listening to the Force.
Well, she certainly was. "I see it in both our futures,
Qui-Gon... the pa'drat'na. You have found the other half of
your self, and I still have to find mine. But I will find him
or her. Beautiful gift this is for a Jedi to receive, the
life-love in the Force."
"Pa'drat'na," I echoed, shaking my head. "Isn't that extremely
rare? There are other Force-sensitive peoples who are
telepaths. Even whole species... and only a few of those form
something like that. Jedi come from many worlds. I would think
the odds were strongly against two Jedi making that kind of
match..."
To my wonder she laughed again merrily. "Or perhaps not,
Qui-Gon! And I think we just might get to find out..."
Obi-Wan, starting when Qui-Gon returns from visiting
Yoda:
Sherra was all over me the moment she got me alone, and for a
very short while, I welcomed the distraction gladly, letting my
fellow padawan carry me along on a wave of desire... though my
heart's desire was elsewhere.
I had done it despite my caution; I had gone and fallen in
love - hard - with my own Master. I'd worshipped him from the
day I won his choice of me to be his Padawan, or earlier... but
sometime a year ago that worship took a rude turn. I had
discovered that he was the most beautiful thing I'd ever
seen... and that I could think of no better way to spend my
life as a Jedi than to devote myself to this man's work... and
to love him. I realize that this was first an infatuation that
sent me from his side to take care of... urges... that my
developing body felt and of which demanded satisfaction.
Of course I could not tell him. I had told him of my liaisons
with my peers, of course, though I knew he did not want the
intimate details - and I was relieved to spare him those - but
I'd always emphasized that I did not feel any permanence in
those relationships. Now, naturally, I was careful to keep that
door open between us. I did not want him to ever think he could
have a rival for my heart.
Yet a silence on this matter must remain. I knew that well. My
very responsible and proper Master, I knew, would never make
any intimate advances to me even if he was so inclined, due to
my age and state of training. As time went on and deep
meditation eased me into a more mature - I hoped - perspective,
my infatuation shifted naturally into a deep love. Or so I
believed. And wanted.
Being near Qui-Gon Jinn was comforting, exciting,
fascinating... and very difficult at times depending on
those... urges. Force, I loved to look at his strong, sensitive
features and map every expression on his face. Of the latter
there was his extensive catalog of stern and serious which I
got to see the most... but the ones I loved best were humorous,
concerned, caring... affectionate. I knew he had affection for
me, cared for me as my teacher and mentor. But there were rare,
rare times when I thought I'd seen something... else. Or
perhaps I just wanted to see it. A look that he would steal at
me that bore a tenderness that rattled my bones
substantially... and oh, I hoped I wasn't just imagining it...
Naturally, his sheer physical magnificence electrified me and
provided me with endless fantasies and wet-dreams. Force! It
wasn't only that he was simply massive to begin with, towering
over me even as I neared my own adult height - and I was not
considered short by any means - but Qui-Gon Jinn possessed a
battle-honed body made of planes of hard, tensile muscles. I'd
seen those muscles rippling in practice... and marveled at his
form, speed, and sheer elegance. How he could make that big
body of his flow so gracefully, like water, I still had no
idea. I've seen him naked, of course... but no, some things I
will NOT allow myself to think about. I would surely go mad...
contemplating the things I could have with him...
When Master Qui-Gon came back from his visit with Yoda...
prematurely, I'd thought... I suddenly could not bear Sherra
near me. And I was suddenly filled with a love for him that I
feared was all over my face. When Sherra left us, guilt washed
through me inexplicably - guilt to have been caught, guilt for
showing my feelings so rawly - did he see?
"Master," I heard myself begin to babble, "I won't do that
again in public, I promise." I glanced down the hall to be sure
Sheera was gone, then added, "I don't think I can see her
anymore anyway. I need to concentrate on my studies more,
Master." I need a cold shower...
"Come inside," he said to me quickly, and his hand fell onto
my back, causing a little stab of desire which I hastily
doused. As he closed the door behind us, I got some room
between us. I could NOT let that trickle over into our link.
With dismay, I realize I was already aroused... thanks to the
persistent Sherra. "Padawan, please tell me what is troubling
you," I heard him say behind me. Damn.
I had to go a few more steps to get myself together, then I
turned back to him. "You visited with Grandmaster Yoda, sir?"
"Yes... he wants to see you, too." His measuring gaze bored
into me and I was very grateful for the skirt of my tunic and
the front panels of my tabard which hid my erection. Although
he might think it caused by Sherra's energetic kissing, I had
rather been thinking... about him.
Oh, good, I thought as I fought to get myself under
control. I need to talk to Yoda about this. Sith, I had how
many more years to endure before I could be with Qui-Gon
intimately? If my Master even would want me... I forced
myself to calm down, especially as I could feel his eyes on me,
wondering why I seemed so out of sorts.
I nodded, but heard myself adding, "Master, please let me talk
with Grandmaster Yoda first... and then I will talk with you."
I steeled myself to meet that penetrating gaze, and looked up,
meeting his eyes steadily. "Please?"
"Yes, of course," he murmured. But I could see the questions
in his eyes.
3)
When I found Grandmaster Yoda, I sat myself right on the ground
before him, choosing a more informal bow of the head to greet
him rather than any formal bow. "Grandmaster Yoda," I greeted
him, and already felt myself calming. Something about Yoda,
there was.
"Padawan Obi-Wan..." he returned, looking me over like a
haunch of meat for sale in a market. "Grown, you have." Yoda
had no shame, and I didn't mind his quirkiness. Even when he
slapped his stick against my arm and then my leg. "Hard muscle,
hmmm... train hard, you do, Padawan?"
"Yes, Grandmaster Yoda," I grinned, then composed my
expression again. "Master Qui-Gon is very demanding of
me."
"Hmmm, he'd better be... hmmm, like Master Qui-Gon, do you?"
Yoda peered at me, his eyes narrowing.
Either the little green snot was setting me up for a trap or
he was goading me to test my reactions... or both. I had no
choice but to let him question me, although it was slowly
settling into my awareness that I was going to have to tell him
everything. "Master Qui-Gon is an exceptional teacher, yes," I
said warily, sobering more.
"Answer my question, you did not," Yoda threw back. "Hmmm,
like Master Jinn, you do? Hmmm?" He tapped his stick on
the floor impatiently. "Perhaps love him, you do,
hmmm?"
It was over. I should have known the little green nerfherder
would have seen straight through me, although that didn't mean
I would make it easy for him. "Of course I love my master," I
said mildly, easing into a smile. "I honor and respect Qui-Gon
Jinn and I am devoted to him. That is my duty as his
padawan."
I got a stick hard against my shin. "Ow! What was that for?" I
exclaimed, rubbing my sore leg.
The end of the stick jabbed into my chest. "Talk around this,
you will not, Padawan Obi-Wan," Yoda retorted. "See through you
I can indeed. In love with your master... you are."
Well, at this point I could only make sure this information
wasn't going to backfire on me. Would Yoda see to it that
Qui-Gon and I were separated if I admitted to my feelings?
Qui-Gon had been talking with Yoda - did he sense it despite my
efforts to shield from him? Did he want a separation? I
couldn't believe that... not now. I knew... at last... of the
high regard in which my master held me. Did Qui-Gon have
feelings for me?
I cleared my throat and spoke as calmly as I could. "I am in
love with him... but I am well aware that I am not yet an
adult. I cannot speak of this to him and do not wish to. I know
well that he would not risk my training in any way, and I can
do no less. Upon his advice... and yours, Grandmaster Yoda, I
have had several other relationships with my peers. I am
content with that."
Yoda studied me carefully, though I had no doubt that he was
reading my mind as well. I had no worries there; I meant what I
said, and intended to continue my self-discipline around my
master. I tried to center myself more firmly, though my heart
was nevertheless pounding. I had a lot to lose here. I don't
think I could bear having to leave my master over this...
"Content... you are not, I think, Padawan," Yoda said finally.
"But soon an adult you will be. Of primary importance your
training is... always. Allow that to suffer... I shall
not."
"Yes, Grandmaster Yoda," I breathed, nodding in respect.
He peered at me again for a few moments, then waved me away
with his hand. "Go. Speak with you, your master wishes. Be
well, Padawan."
"Yes, Grandmaster, thank you," I said, relief pouring through
me at last. No mention of separation... yet.
After leaving Master Yoda I took a few moments for myself
before returning to Qui-Gon. I ducked into a meditation chamber
near the gardens and sat on the floor, my head in my hands...
my heart pounding. I had a strong feeling I'd just been given a
warning. Even if Qui-Gon felt anything for me, we can't be
together, I thought morosely. I took a deep breath, trying
to steady myself before I could go back to our quarters. I'm
too young, I'm his Padawan. But mostly it's my age...
I caught a sudden sob in my throat, gulping it down before I
would lose control and break down. I loved Qui-Gon Jinn so much
that I felt a very real pain in my chest. I hugged my arms to
myself, rocking for a moment, aching. Qui-Gon...
Master... I did not speak to him in our bond, in fact, I'd
forgotten to my utter dismay that he would sense my trouble.
Padawan, I heard whispering in my mind through our
training bond. Damn. Padawan... Then it faded away as if
something distracted him.
Qui-Gon, same time:
"Qui-Gon?" Depa asked softly, drawing my chin back towards
her. "Is it Obi-Wan?"
I had felt clearly... a wave of love... and desire... from my
magnificent padawan. He'd let it slip at last. I drew in a deep
breath, taking her hand away from my chin, but keeping it in
mine. "Yes. He did not intend to reveal it, but I felt his love
for me in our bond."
"It will be difficult for him to wait," Depa murmured
quietly.
"He understands how critical that waiting must be," I replied.
"Even when he becomes an adult, I must judge how his training
would be affected by a potential intimate relationship with me.
Already I know he will need more time. That is why I want to
contract with you for three and a half years."
I looked deep into her eyes. Depa was beautiful, and her soul
and spirit would be easy to treasure. Yet I knew my heart. I
could cherish her, be with her, but my heart was already
thoroughly devoted to my beloved Obi-Wan. It must be.
"I should go," Depa offered, squeezing my hand, then rising
from her chair. She had already given her consent to the
contract.
I held onto it tighter, holding her there. "Don't, please... I
do not trust myself to do this alone in his presence. Please
stay."
Sympathetic, she nodded and sat back down.
Obi-Wan, same time:
My master was not alone when I returned to our quarters. When
I entered, I saw him sitting at the common table with Jedi
Master Depa Billaba, whom I knew to be on the Council. They
were sipping tea and conversing. I saw no sign that Qui-Gon had
noted anything amiss in our bond... but I was not fooled. He
knew. And there was no way he was going to reveal to me that he
knew. This was going to have to be left unspoken between us.
Carefully. And I was starting to suspect that these visits with
Yoda meant that Qui-Gon... shared my feelings.
I bowed deeply. "Master Billaba, an honor," I said formally.
She nodded, smiling. "Padawan Kenobi, an equal honor. Your
master here tells me you have been an exceptional
apprentice."
I hadn't looked at Qui-Gon yet. Blushing, I bowed again. "I
have an exceptional teacher, Master Billaba," I replied,
matching her smile as I straightened. Something about her put
me at ease, which I sorely needed.
"Padawan," my Master spoke up at last, "please sit down. I
have something to tell you."
Now I met his gaze, wondering, though I knew I had myself
under control by now. My refuge was to be obedience. He merely
looked back at me, impassive as always. "Yes, Master," I
murmured, and folded my arms in the sleeves of my robe as I sat
at the table opposite them.
Qui-Gon paused, and then it occurred to me that perhaps there
was to be a separation after all. Master Depa Billaba... was to
become my new Master. "No," I breathed involuntarily. I felt
the blood leave my face. This cannot be
happening...
"I haven't told you yet, Padawan," Qui-Gon said, frowning.
"No, what?"
But I suddenly found myself on my knees before his chair,
bowed in half. I could not speak aloud. No, please,
Master, I thought to him instead in our bond, feeling faint
all of a sudden. Do not turn me over to another, I beg you.
I will concentrate harder on mastering my emotions so that...
so that... I could not even think it.
To my shock, he grasped my chin and made me look at him. I saw
only my usually firm mentor. Then master your emotions now,
Padawan. You jump to conclusions. I thought I'd taught you
better. His mental voice was cool and unforgiving... just
what I deserved.
Yes, Master, I thought hastily, and when he released my
chin, I got back up on my chair, wrestling with my composure.
After taking a deep breath, I nodded to them both. "Forgive my
behavior, Masters. Master Qui-Gon, please continue..."
He was staring at me and for a moment I thought I saw
something other than displeasure... sorrow? "Obi-Wan," he
began, his voice softening for a moment, "I have asked Depa to
join me in a temporary marriage contract... and she has
accepted. This is upon Master Yoda's advice to me... and I will
it also."
I gaped at him rather foolishly for a long moment, my heart
nearly stopping in shock, my throat gone dry. A MARRIAGE
contract??? Then I managed to gasp, "Temporary?"
"Yes," Depa replied, smiling, and it was then I realized their
hands were entwined together on the table. "For three and a
half years. Until you are twenty-one years old." She appeared
completed nonplussed at my reaction.
I didn't understand what the reference to my age had to do
with anything, but I let it go. "This is... unexpected..." I
managed to get out as calmly as I could considering that the
scraps of my composure were somewhere on the floor flopping
around like beached fish. Somehow I got a respectful smile on
my face. "Ah, congratulations, Masters. When is the, ah,
ceremony to be?"
Qui-Gon took a deep breath. "Thank you, but there will be no
ceremony," he murmured, and looked over to Depa, who nodded in
agreement. It was then I realized that this was rather...
sudden. They'd just decided this. What did Grandmaster Yoda
tell my master? Did they talk about me? Was this because of
me?
"I see," I said rather lamely. Then I heard myself repeat,
"This is... most unexpected."
The Masters exchanged glances again. "Yes, I know, Obi-Wan,"
my master said after a pause. "It involves a... personal
necessity." He looked into my eyes again.
His meaning was all too clear: DON'T ASK. It is
about me somehow, I thought carefully to myself this time.
If he has feelings about me, he cannot speak of it, cannot
act on them. I hope that's what it is. But what is this
marriage thing for?
"I'm sorry for the abruptness of this, Padawan," Qui-Gon was
continuing. "Hopefully this will have no negative effect on
your training. You know where my priorities lie..."
I returned the gaze not so calmly, my breathing a bit short.
He was trying to tell me something, I was sure of it. He did
care... he must. The back and forth the two of us had been
having with Grandmaster Yoda indicated that something was going
on. Either he was aware that I loved him and he wanted to
deflect that with an involvement of his own... hoping I'd
out-grow it, likely... or he shared my feelings. I had to cling
to the hope it was the latter. Otherwise I don't think I could
bear the rejection this represented. I was not ready to accept
that, could not think of that. Would not.
Above all, Qui-Gon Jinn was my Master. "Yes, Master," I
replied at last, raising my chin with a confidence I didn't
feel. "I know you put my training first in your life... and I
thank you for that." It humbled me, for obviously he did
care about me deeply - if not romantically - to concern himself
with my development so.
"We would never risk that," Master Billaba said firmly though
kindly. "You will make such a fine Knight, Obi-Wan."
The praise made me feel better... I think. "Thank you,
Master," I murmured.
"Obi-Wan," Qui-Gon said, his voice unusually soft, "I believe
Master Yoda wishes to speak to you one more time."
I looked back into his deep blue eyes. Master, I don't
think I have any more to say to Grandmaster Yoda, I said to
him silently, holding his gaze.
Padawan, he returned, He has one more thing to say
to you. Something... I cannot. His eyes bored into mine. I
know I saw love there. I was sure of it. Or did I just want to
see it so much?
Oh, Master, I sighed.
Please... Padawan... He tried to smile. All will be
well. Trust me.
I could look no longer. Wrapping myself safely in formality, I
stood and bowed to them both with a flourish, my robe swinging
around me. "Again, Masters, congratulations... and good day to
you both."
They stood and bowed to me as well. I escaped... my heart
again pounding in my chest.
Qui-Gon, same time:
When Obi-Wan was gone, I felt emotion threaten to explode my
heart. Then I felt Depa's arms around my shoulders. I can't
do this, I thought to her, trembling.
We can do this, Qui-Gon, she returned firmly.
And I want to help, now more than ever. Your young man is
exceptional. It is critical that you two survive through this
necessary waiting time. As painful as it will be, it is
absolutely critical. He must be a Knight. That cannot be
risked.
"I know, I know," I said aloud, slipping my arms around her
and pulling her closer. I was grateful for her support and
physical presence, and was coming to realize how badly I was
going to need it. How wonderful that this selfless woman could
understand so well, and agree to help me!
"Besides," Depa murmured, laying her head on my shoulder, "you
are worthy of love, Qui-Gon Jinn. As is he."
I rested in her physical comfort, feeling the first return of
some semblance of peace to my heart.
Obi-Wan, same time:
When I returned to the gardens, Grandmaster Yoda was in the
same spot. Only now I was a real mess, shaking so hard that
when I knelt before him, I could only fold in half in a bow,
unable to speak.
The little green Master said after a long minute, "Told you of
the marriage contract, he did."
"Y...yes, Grandmaster," I managed to stammer.
"But explain it, he did not."
"N...no..."
I felt his small, stubby hand on my arm. "He cannot tell you
more. But tell you more, I will. So troubled you will be
not."
At this, I managed to look up. I know what I must have looked
like, my nostrils flared, my face all pulled down, my eyes red
because I'd been rubbing at them. "There... is more?"
Yoda nodded, and I felt his caring sympathy. He did understand
what was going on. "A Master may not say such things to his
Padawan. Forbidden, this is. Intimacy between a Master and a
young Padawan... there must not be."
A spark of hope began within me. Could he mean...? "I don't
understand, Grandmaster," I murmured, taking a deep
breath.
His hand patted my arm again. "Love you deeply... Qui-Gon Jinn
does. Tell you... he should not. Tell you... he will not. Your
Master adheres strictly to our traditions... in this matter.
Tell him to do that... I have not. Older you must be, until
discuss this between you and Master Qui-Gon you may."
Suddenly I felt faint, and I know I must have swooned, because
in the next moment I could feel Yoda steadying me through the
Force.
Qui-Gon was in love with me...
"Grandmaster Yoda," I gasped when I could manage to speak
again, "I... I don't understand how he could marry..." I gasped
again at the flood of emotion that swelled within: fear,
confusion, heartache...
"Calm yourself, Padawan!" Yoda said sharply.
Hastily I reined in my rampaging emotions, re-assuming mastery
over them. I took a few deep breaths, concentrating on my
fortunately ingrained disciplines to regain my calm. It took a
few minutes. When I could speak again, I cleared my throat and
spoke in a considerably more collected voice. "Grandmaster
Yoda, I do not understand about my master's marriage
contract... if he truly loves me."
"Be with you, he may not," Yoda reminded me, still a little
severe as he took back his hand. "Talk with you about this, he
may not. Or leave the Order... he must. Help him to keep his
silence... his control over his own desires... Master Billaba
will. They will be good for each other. And you will become a
Jedi Knight, trained by Master Qui-Gon Jinn. Understand,
hmmm?"
Well, now I understood all too well. Qui-Gon would be forced
out of the Jedi Order if he as much as declared himself to me,
faster if he were to touch me inappropriately. Because of my
age. My calm returned. I became determined to ensure both our
continuance in the Order. "Yes, Grandmaster Yoda, I
understand," I replied solemnly. "I thank you for explaining
this to me, and I assure you that I will not do anything to
jeopardize either of our standings in the Order."
"Hmmmm," he made a noise, regarding me closely. "Still
troubled you are, Padawan. Qui-Gon has the help of Master
Billaba... but who will help Padawan Kenobi, hmmmm? A temporary
partner you must seek also perhaps, hmmm?"
Denial rose strong within me, but I tamped it down,
listening... finally... to the Force within me. Yoda was
wise... this was wise, though a large part of me
rejected the idea of being with any other than my beloved
master. But could I bear the necessary burden alone? Could I
endure the strict self-discipline of my desires alone? There
was Sherra... and others waiting hopefully in the wings, but
who would do this knowing my heart was elsewhere? Not Padawan
Sherra Matrosian, that was for sure. That one was unfortunately
already naming our babies. I did not think I could be with
another man... too much of a reminder, though I have had
liaisons with other male padawan friends of mine.
"Yes, Grandmaster Yoda," I sighed in reluctant agreement. "I
will remain open... to that possibility. For my master's sake,
as well as my own."
Yoda looked at me again in that measuring way of his. "Hmmm...
big, strong man you are, no lack of possible partners should
there be."
I shrugged. "I could take a temporary vow of
celibacy..."
He snorted. "Or not, foolish Padawan." He made his silly noise
that I knew to be an ironic chuckle. "As likely as Wookiees
flying, that is. A sexual being, you are, Obi-Wan. Deny your
nature, you may not. Integrate it within yourself, you must.
Balance in all things... there must be."
"Yes, Grandmaster," I sighed yet again. "I will find a
temporary partner... if I can."
He looked at me long, his eyes narrowed. Then he waved at me
with his gimmer stick. "Go now. Train hard, meditate, Padawan
Obi-Wan."
"Yes, sir. Thank you, Grandmaster Yoda," I replied solemnly.
And take lots and lots of cold showers, I told
myself.
4)
Qui-Gon, two and a half years later:
On the day my apprentice turned 20 standard years old, I'd
decided it was time we talked about our future, man to man. And
my padawan, my Obi-Wan, was definitely a man, having grown up
and was settling beautifully into mature adulthood. I admired
him, in fact, for his strength of will and self-discipline were
remarkable. Moreover, he had endured the last two and a half
years alone, unpartnered, despite Yoda's advice. He obeyed us
and did honestly attempt to find someone in his age group with
whom he could form an intimate partnership for a time, but it
did not work out that way... so Obi-Wan was alone. Fortunately,
he did continue to have occasional liaisons with his peers. And
I did notice that all of them... were female. I know that was
intentional.
Not that this did not concern me greatly, despite his personal
discipline. He was too thin in my estimation, and something in
his eyes told me his controls were wearing equally thin. Time
was taking a toll.
I imagine it was as hard for him to see me with Depa than it
was simply to be unable to become intimate with me. I was
careful to display only simple affection with her when around
my apprentice. Fortunately, she didn't always accompany us on
our missions; though she had taken a leave from the Council,
Depa went on her own missions from time to time.
Depa Billaba was one remarkable woman. It was very easy to
settle into our partnership of marriage together. I had often
had the thought that if I had contracted with her earlier in my
life - before Obi-Wan - that I might have developed a trer's mind and her vast serenity provided me with the
control that I needed. But I didn't have to read his mind to
know his heartache when I slept with her.
Our training bond was a tightly woven web of shields, out of
necessity. We would still have the contact needed between
Master and Padawan, but little more on a personal level.
Neither of us could handle more. And I knew that was wearing on
him as well. And on me.
The night before his birthday I had a long talk with Depa
about this. Even as I held her close, held onto her for the
comfort I'd found with her in my arms, I told her my fears...
that the next year might prove too difficult for him. In her
wisdom, she countered with her fears for me, for she'd come to
know me quite well. "You must judge now," she'd said, "whether
your effectiveness as his mentor is hurt more by the careful
distance you keep from him personally than if you were his
lover. He is of an age where he, even as a Padawan, becomes
your assistant as much as your student, and that can be
hurt by distance. In order for the two of you to function as a
team, you will need to be closer."
She'd put her hand to my face, stroking my beard. "Qui-Gon,"
she'd added softly, "do you know that Obi-Wan is prepared to
never become lovers with you?"
I couldn't believe that, and told her so.
"He is ruthlessly sensible, your beautiful Obi-Wan," Depa had
murmured quietly. "He understands the effects of time. If you
told him tomorrow that we were making our partnership
permanent, he would accept it without question."
I desperately needed to talk to him.
We were on an extended mission to Corellia, where new
constitutions were being written to encompass the whole system
of planets. It was arduous, the negotiations, but also a relief
to be in one place for a couple months. As the Dralls were
presently celebrating one of their religious festivals, we had
a week's hiatus from the negotiations. Depa took the
opportunity to go to the planet Drall to witness the festival,
leaving me alone with my apprentice.
But just as I had made my decision and was about to call
Obi-Wan to me, I got a call from Coruscant.
I bowed before the image forming on the transmitter screen.
"My Master..." I murmured, already knowing it was Yoda.
"Qui-Gon," Yoda greeted me, bowing as well. "A birthday today,
your padawan has."
"Indeed, my Master," I replied, managing a smile. "Did you
want to wish him well? He's in the courtyard exercising, I
believe. I can go get him for you..."
Yoda made the expected noise. "Talk with you first, I will,
Qui-Gon. Always."
"Yes, Master," I murmured. It made me feel young to tease the
ancient master.
His eyes rove over my image, studying me. I could imagine his
irritation that I wasn't present in person to have my mind
read. "Hmmm... concerned you are..."
All right, let's get to the point, I thought, folding
my arms in my robe sleeves. "I have decided it is time I
discussed with my padawan the relationship I have with him. And
what will be... if it still is to be."
Yoda was already nodding. "Hmm, time, it is. An adult and
wise, your apprentice is. However, problem there is as
well."
I nodded. "I know his suffering... I see it constantly. And it
brings me no little pain. Which is why I must speak openly with
him at last."
"Told me, your wife has," Yoda replied. I straightened in
surprise. What had Depa told him? "Always too fervent, too
zealous, Obi-wan is."
My mind went back to the memory of a thirteen-year-old boy
trying to convince me that his self-sacrifice, his death was my
only way out of the mines of Bandomeer. "Yes, he is that," I
said with as much pride... as dismay. Obi-Wan would die for me.
But I would die for him just as readily. We made quite the
pair.
"Return to a balance, he must," Yoda was continuing. "Or lose
him, you shall."
Lose him? For a moment I didn't know what Yoda meant. It
wasn't like I had any rivals for my apprentice's affections.
Then I understood, and a flash of fear bolted through me. I
took a deep breath, setting that fear in its place. Yoda meant
that Obi-Wan could deteriorate into a deep depression... or a
resentful anger. Or worse.
No, not that, not even anger. I could not believe that of him.
But I could see his heart dying by inches already. "The balance
will be restored. Even if I must end my contract with Depa
sooner than we'd planned."
Yoda narrowed his eyes at me, and I could tell he wasn't fond
of that idea. "Consider his future, his training, you must,
Qui-Gon," he murmured.
I didn't like to do it, but on occasion I have disagreed with
my former master. "With all due respect, my Master," I returned
firmly, "I must consider first his heart. All the training in
the galaxy cannot save him without that."
Yoda REALLY hated when I did that. He pounded his stick into
the floor before him. "A Jedi he must be!"
"I cannot hand over into Knighthood a Jedi without a heart!" I
countered with equal conviction.
He made a loud noise with the stick once more, but did not
counter me. Instead he stared at me. I met the stare,
unflinching. This was old, old between us. I was every bit as
stubborn as he was, and he knew it all too well.
Finally he snorted. "Learned, you have, Qui-Gon. Love him
well... you do."
As I nodded in relief, he added, "May the Force be with you
both."
"And with you, Master," I replied, pulling my composure back
around me. "Do you wish to speak to Obi-Wan?"
Yoda shook his head. "See all I need to see about him in your
face... I do. Be well, Qui-Gon."
"Be well, Yoda," I returned, speaking to him as his equal,
which of course I was.
Technically.
When I had all in readiness, I called my apprentice to me.
Obi-Wan, I addressed him mentally - something I normally
did not do except in times of danger - go get cleaned up and
then join me in my quarters. It was not a request. I was
not going to give him a chance to find an excuse to avoid
talking to me.
There was a quick bolt of surprise in our bond from him, then
his cool reserve swallowed it up. Yes, Master, he
replied hastily. I could sense his heavy breathing. He'd been
driving himself hard in his workout. I felt a pang at that, at
the necessity he felt in maintaining his distance from me. It
was time that changed.
While he was in the 'fresher, I knelt to meditate. This moment
had been a very, very long time in coming, and I above all must
be in control. This pendulum must not be allowed to swing the
other way completely. To forge the life-long alliance with him
that I wished, I must not give in to the simple satiation of
long-suppressed desires. This was too important. Fortunately, I
had been in long meditation about this for months already.
Yet... the time was here, at last. I was banking on the belief
that to be able to talk about this freely with him at last
would bring a great easing of our tensions. I had to make that
come true.
Then Obi-Wan was before me, dressed in fresh clothes, smelling
clean and subtly masculine, his hair still damp. He adopted a
meditative posture on a mat in front of me. I opened my eyes
and looked into his. I felt peaceful... and so smiled at
him.
Obi-Wan, continuing:
When Master Qui-Gon smiled at me, I felt a tiny spark of life
ignite within me, but as usual, out of long habit and practice,
I trampled any hope before it could get a hold of me. My
discipline was so perfect that I barely noticed as I nodded to
him in return. "Master?" I asked smoothly.
He looked up at me and I felt his serene blue eyes flicker
over my face. "Padawan," he said in greeting, his deep voice
like a blanket of calm settling over my shoulders. "Happy
Birthday, Obi-Wan," he added, and from out of his sleeve he
handed me something wrapped in a plain white cloth.
I took it from him with barely a tremor. I had actually
forgotten that today I turned twenty years old. Not that it
mattered to me. The folded cloth felt light in my hands, and I
wondered, for it could not have held anything substantial. As I
opened it, a small piece of dark brown cloth fell out, no
bigger than the span of my hand. There was nothing else.
Knowing my master's affinity for strange but deeply meaningful
gifts, I glanced up at him, hoping for an explanation. "Thank
you... Master," I murmured, watching as he smiled again.
"You don't know what that is of course," Qui-Gon said, and
took it up. He turned it over and I saw that there was a pin
attached to the back. "Depa made me a new robe a few months
ago. I salvaged this piece from the old one. May I?"
My heart was thudding in my chest. I could feel it. I gave him
a quick nod, holding very still, not really understanding yet.
All I knew was that Qui-Gon had given me a piece of his old
robe. Then he was kneeling up, and as I froze into a statue, he
ran his hand which held the cloth inside my inner tunic... then
I understood as he pinned the cloth there with the pin on the
outside of the tunic... and the piece of his robe against my
breast. Over my heart. I severely fought back the surge of
emotion that simple and eloquent gift seemed to call
forth.
Qui-Gon's hand still lay against my chest as he settled back.
"Obi-Wan, I am concerned about you..."
I blew my breath out and heard myself interrupt him. "I will
study harder, Master, I promise. And I can handle three
workouts a day instead of two..."
"This is not about your training," Qui-Gon interrupted back,
but not severely as I deserved. There was something of sadness
about him. His hand had not moved. "I am concerned for your
heart and your spirit, Obi-Wan."
No. I felt a rush of fear, for what he might mean. Again my
careful controls clicked in, mastering the emotion. "I will
spend more time in meditation, Master."
"No," Qui-Gon countered. I heard something in his voice I
could scarcely allow myself to believe. "You have been very
carefully distant from me on a personal level, Obi-Wan," he
said in a low voice, "and I from you. This distance must end.
Our relationship must change."
I actually felt the blood leave my face. "Master?"
His hand shifted to clasp my arm. He seemed to need the
physical connection for this disturbing conversation, which
worried me all the more. I had two deep-seated fears that I
struggled with daily - one, that he and Depa Billaba would make
their arrangement permanent... though I could not deny what she
had done for him was very good - and two, that Qui-Gon Jinn
would decide one day that he could not longer function as my
Master.
I wanted to be far away. I wanted to be asleep and this be a
dream. I wanted to be at least twenty-five years old, a Knight,
and kneeling at his feet. I wanted to die, to be one with the
Force.
"Obi-Wan," Qui-Gon began with a gentleness that frightened me,
"you are an adult. And will finish your training in a very few
short years. It's time we related as adults together. And I
believe we have some things to discuss together, man to man. We
need to talk, Obi-Wan."
I took a deep breath. It helped; I seemed to settle down.
"Yes, Master," I breathed, bowing.
When I looked up I saw a stab of pain go through his
expression, then he tore his eyes away from mine. So it was as
I feared... he had something difficult to tell me. All of a
sudden I felt very cold.
But when he next spoke, my world tilted. "Obi-Wan," Qui-Gon
began again, reaching out once more to touch the spot on my
chest where the piece of robe was pinned, "I do love you
deeply, and I've needed to tell you that... I hope it isn't too
late. And I hope I don't cause you more anxiety by telling you
that we must wait yet another year." By now I was staring at
him, astonished. "But I wanted you to hear it from me. As you
deserved."
I felt faint, woozy. "Master," I managed to gasp, "but what of
Depa?" At least that's what I think I said. In the next moment
I felt his hands on my shoulders, steadying me.
"Look at you, Obi-wan," Qui-Gon said roughly, and I could not
avoid the sharp concern in his voice. "This is tearing you
apart. Depa has always known where my heart lies. You,
apparently, do not."
"Yoda told me..." I began in a small voice.
"But I have not," Qui-Gon finished. "We have not spoken of
this ever, you and I, but it has surely shaped our lives for
the last five or so years."
Five years... I was stunned. Was that how long he's
been in love with me? "We had to wait anyway, Master," I
replied. "I was too young."
He sighed, and he touched me lightly on the chin, then let his
hand fall. "Too young and my padawan. But you are not too young
now."
Well, I felt about six years old... or perhaps thirteen, the
eager young Jedi so desperate to win Master Qui-Gon's approval.
But even as I thought it, I knew that indeed I was no longer
that boy. I knew I was doing well, although I realized that my
self-discipline was perhaps a bit too severe. But of an age to
enter into a relationship with such as Qui-Gon Jinn? "I'm still
your student," I responded.
Qui-Gon nodded. "Which is why I want to wait another year. By
then, your training will be sufficient that you will be ready
for the last phase of being an apprentice... that of being my
assistant more than my pupil. Moreover, we will begin to
function as a team. We will no longer have classes together. In
fact, I will be turning over to you the decisions on what you
shall study. A Jedi Knight never stops learning, but at some
point in his apprenticeship he must take that learning process
over from his master. I will involve you more in our missions,
even to assisting you during negotiations instead of the other
way around. This will be time spent in becoming independent and
ready to stand on your own as a Jedi Knight."
I knew about all this, but still it was a shock that that time
was nearly here. Beginning when I was twenty-one, therefore, I
would begin to function as a Knight, though of course still
under my master's guidance, probably for another four years
while I gained valuable experience and put to work all I had
learned from him. But something bothered me still... "Master,
but I don't want to be independent from you..."
He smiled. "You misunderstand me, my dear Obi-Wan. If you will
it as much as I do, you will remain with me as a Knight one
day, as my partner. But then we will be equals, two negotiators
who function as a unit together. I very much want that to
happen, Obi-Wan." His voice softened remarkably at this last,
and I felt very warm suddenly.
"As do I," I murmured, and had to fight back an urge to throw
myself into his arms. "But the waiting, Master... I do not know
if I can wait. I have put everything of me into waiting this
long already. Forgive me, but now that we are talking about
this, I must tell you."
"And I already know what this has cost you, Obi," Qui-Gon
replied gently. "My task right now is to determine what level
of intimacy is not only appropriate, but necessary between
us... necessary to ease this suffering you are presently
enduring as well as keep you on track in your training.
Although if you lose any more weight, Padawan, the training
will have to be set aside."
"That won't be necessary," I gasped. No way could I bear it if
my Jedi training had to be delayed. That would just push back
our goals all the more.
"I hope not," he said, and I felt his eyes studying my face.
"Obi-Wan, a lasting relationship must be built first on
friendship. I would start there with you. Can we be friends,
Obi-Wan?"
Something seemed to break inside my heart - probably one of
the walls I had so carefully constructed. I suppose it was
about time one of them came down finally. "Oh, yes, Master..."
At his look, I corrected myself. "Yes, Qui-Gon." I smiled
slowly, pleased. But even as I did, I had the feeling inside
that this was not going to be easy either... even besides the
fact that we would still wait on becoming intimate. Qui-Gon
Jinn was, as a Jedi Master and my teacher, a formal, private
man, reserved and impassive in his dealings with me. I knew...
suspected... there was so much more to him. The rare instances
of tenderness had shown me that... and enabled me to fall in
love with him. But I so seldom saw that. Relate to one another
as friends? I had barely seen him relax around his peers...
save Depa. And even what I had been allowed to see of that was
careful and reserved.
"I know," he whispered, surprising me. "I must share more of
myself with you." Qui-Gon sighed, and his face managed to relax
again into a smile. "I see that in your eyes, Obi-Wan... and I
see it in our bond." Then he amazed me further; I felt him
touching the light bond that connected our minds. He did so as
my teacher, and frequently, but somehow this was different. The
touch spoke of a warm, caring regard.
Silently, I responded in same, touching his mind like I was
slipping my hand into his. As yet my touch was reverent...
still careful. I felt shy with him, and found myself dropping
my gaze.
Obi-Wan, he then whispered to me mentally. I will
let you in, I promise.
I closed my eyes, savoring his voice in my mind. Thank you,
Qui-Gon. I love you deeply as well...
I felt, rather than saw, his controlled reaction... his
pleasure at my words and the manner in which I told him... But
no more would be said on this now. It was enough that we'd both
been able to say that.
5)
Qui-Gon, continuing:
Playing the staid, controlled Jedi Master was safe... it
represented a state of being in which I could hide my inmost
thoughts and feelings. I had come to rely on it far too much,
and hence had kept a part of me from the one man I would need
to share myself with the most.
With my first Padawan it had been easy. Falabia had left my
care when Knighted, immediately going off on her own. She'd
since married another Knight and was presently about five years
into training her own padawan. I had never had to share my
inner self with her because Fala was so independent and always
focused on her future. Though she was warm enough with me, we'd
never made a personal connection beyond the teacher-student
one. I had enjoyed teaching her, however, and upon becoming a
Jedi Master in fact, I was happy to accept another
student.
I would have shared myself with Fala more, had she been
inclined, but there was never a spark there. When Xanatos came
along, I sensed a receptivity from him that Fala never had...
and so made the greatest mistake of my life.
Now I was in an entirely new situation with a padawan of
mine... and for the first time, I realized the door was wide
open between us. I could share the Qui-Gon that perhaps no one
else truly knew... except perhaps my former master, Yoda, whom
I knew had looked into my depths. I was pleased he was not
disturbed by what he saw there.
I believe Yoda in his wisdom saw something in young Obi-Wan
Kenobi while the boy was growing up in the Temple that he
thought answered something in myself. Obi-Wan had told me that
he'd heard that Yoda had been his champion to the Council when
he would have been sent away from the Temple when another boy
made it look like Obi-Wan had attacked him. And of course I
knew the wily Yoda had thrown Obi-Wan and myself together on
purpose for that fateful mission to Bandomeer...
Now, years later, Obi-Wan had bloomed into maturity. He'd
become a thoughtful, serious young man who nevertheless
possessed a quiet humor that allowed him good balance in his
everyday dealings with the universe around him. Though skilled
and well-trained, however, he was just on the cusp of truly
realizing his massive potential in the Force, and had still to
come in touch with the living Force as I had. But I saw it
coming...
Would he be ready in a year? Not to be Knight... I wanted him
more seasoned for that. Would he be ready to balance his
training with loving intimacy with his trainer? Would I be
ready to walk that line as well? Yoda had been very firm with
me on this - Obi-Wan MUST become a Knight. He MUST train fully
under me.
Now was not the time to answer those questions. Now was only
the time in which an old, seasoned warrior learned to slowly
allow a young, fresh beginner to know him from the inside
out...
During the nine months that followed our first conversation
about our future, Obi-Wan and I worked on that balance, finding
moments in which we could relax together and learn to relate
person to person. It was occasionally awkward... but progress
was steady. We took walks together, just talking about the
galaxy in general or about childhood experiences in the Temple.
We found recreational activities we could both enjoy that
didn't need to be slotted into the regular training regimen. We
shared observations about the worlds we visited that didn't
apply to our mission, and found similar interests between us
that would provide a base for a deeper bonding.
I savored this time. By both of us actively setting aside
potential erotic elements of our relationship, we were able to
settle into a companionship that was deeply satisfying to us
both. It became our groundwork, our foundation for the
future.
Meanwhile, I was technically still married to Depa Billaba.
When she returned from the religious festival on Drall later
that same week, we'd had a long talk... and Depa decided to
start the process of pulling away from me by taking on more
missions of her own away from Obi-Wan and myself. Yet I found I
was very fond of her, even loved her to a certain degree, and I
consented only if she would not break everything off with me
just now... I had to adjust to this change, too.
I saw her probably a couple times a month in those following
nine months. We were no longer physically intimate, for she
sensed how I wanted to concentrate on getting closer to
Obi-Wan. Somehow it was easier now to be near him without
risking arousal, perhaps because time was growing short. It
must be said also, that we endured a long series of rather
mundane missions in this period in which we'd barely ever had
to activate a lightsaber. Danger would have precipitated our
need to be intimate. There just wasn't any.
Nine months after his birthday, Depa drew me aside in our
quarters on Coruscant... and told me she'd found her own
life-love at last, a Jedi Healer-Master who shared a similar
devotion to the study of spirituality with her. We were both
ecstatically happy about it, and immediately dissolved our
marriage contract. My need for it was now gone as it was. Soon
I could be with my Obi-Wan, and the few months that were left
would be no hardship to endure.
So the months had worn by... and while there remained a subtle
tension between us - the anticipation of what was hopefully
coming closer and closer... very much closer... I would
nevertheless have to say this was a very peaceful time in my
life, and one I treasured greatly.
In fact, I had settled so into this serenity that when its
time was ended, it caught me by surprise. As a matter of fact,
it occurred on my birthday. Obi-Wan would be twenty-one years
old in two and a half months. I had just turned fifty-one.
After my morning meditation - we were on Coruscant for a few
days, awaiting a report on a situation in which our next
mission would be involved - I rose to find a box on the table
in our common room. Obi-Wan was ensconced in the corner on a
pillow, his nose in his datapad.
By now, our bond had steadily though subtly changed. I knew he
could read my pleased curiosity just as I read the careful
nonchalance he was pretending. I glanced at him pointedly, and
waited until he glanced up, prompted again by the evidence of
my attention in our bond. "Obi-Wan, what is this?" I asked
mildly, meeting his eyes. "You know I'm not as enamored of
reminders of my advancing age as you are of yours." I was
teasing him - I could, now - and he knew it. There was a
twinkle in his eyes... I'm sure mine had something similar.
"Oh, no? I rather enjoy getting older," Obi-Wan replied, then
dared to wink at me. I chuckled, for it was a welcome reminder
of what his advancing age indeed meant to us.
"Are you sure you can see from over there?" I said, my hand on
the ties on the box. "I'm getting so old I might need your
assistance as well." This, now, was an old, old game of ours -
my insistence that I was getting too old and his insistence
that I was no such thing. Indeed, he made me feel far younger
than my years.
"NOT old. But you're right, Qui, I can't see well at all from
here," he replied, smiling easily. He rose to his feet in one
smooth movement, then loped over to stand at my elbow.
Physically we had reduced our personal space during our private
times in each other's company. Publicly and when engaged in
training activities, we maintained a more appropriate space
between us. Right now, he was brushing up against my arm, which
both of us were comfortable with.
Then I heard myself say, "You can see even better like
this..." And I slipped behind him and wrapped my arms around
his chest, drawing him gently back against me. Bending down, I
laid my jaw against the side of his head. It felt so good to be
close to him. I could smell the soap he'd used and his own very
subtle, very pleasant scent.
I heard a quick breath escape him. There was a long pause, and
then his hands came up to clasp my folded arms. "Qui-Gon..." he
whispered, then he allowed himself to lean against me with a
sigh. "Yes, I can see much better now."
We stood that way, resting in our first true, loving embrace,
for a long minute, then he murmured with his usual undercurrent
of humor, "Are you going to open your present?"
"Of course I am," I replied, though I did not move. Instead, I
reached out with the Force. As we stood and watched together,
the ties on the box loosened and came unraveled. Then the box
lid lifted and settled to the side. All I could see within were
folds of paper. "Hmmm," I made a noise like this was a puzzle,
but I know he was aware I was teasing him, for I could feel his
smile in our bond. "Paper, how thoughtful," I teased further,
though I was quite thinking a lot more about what was in my
arms than what was in the box.
Everything in my being told me this was good and right. And it
was now. The time... had come. I suddenly knew this. A flood of
joy filled me.
"There's something else in there," Obi-Wan returned, and his
hand moved against my arm in a caress. Did he feel it, too? I
was answered in the next moment when I felt him touching my
mind shyly, tentatively... Qui-Gon, tell me I'm not dreaming
that your arms are around me...
You're not dreaming, love, I replied, touching his mind
lightly in return, like a mere twining of fingers. I lifted my
hand a little ways and moved my fingers; as if in response, a
fold of paper within the box lifted out and flew away. I
continued this as he restrained his laughter, until... by now I
knew what was coming... a piece of brown fabric floated out.
"This looks familiar, did you lose something, Obi?"
He did laugh aloud now, and a freer, happier sound I haven't
heard from him. He reached out and snagged the object from the
air. "As you know well, Depa made me a new robe three months
ago after I managed to lose it on Falogra IV... well, I
salvaged a scrap that was left over and wore this pinned with
the one you gave me." Obi-Wan unfolded one of my arms
apologetically and I released him as he turned to face me. "So
this at least was worn by me... May I?" Of course there was
already a pin on the piece of cloth.
"Please," I murmured, looking warmly down at him. Then he was
slipping his hand inside the fabric of my undertunic. I held
still, studying his mobile face as he pinned the scrap of
fabric to my undertunic over my heart. I could feel his
increased heart rate, and noted my own quickened rate as he
touched my chest. "Thank you for the present, Obi-Wan," I added
when he was done.
"You're welcome, Qui," he answered as he looked up into my
face. "Happy Birtk
abruptly, a flood of adrenaline rushing through his veins.
"Depa," he breathed, shaking his head, not understanding yet
what was going on.
I froze, remembering that I hadn't told him yet. "Master
Billaba and I dissolved our contract," I murmured. How could I
have forgotten to tell him? But there hadn't really been the
need before. The time had not come... but now, it had. I
released my hold on his waist, but he still held onto my robe,
now tightly. I looked at him then, a bit embarrassed. "I'm
sorry I didn't tell you sooner. It was just a week ago."
Obi-Wan swallowed convulsively, working on processing this new
development. That and the fact that I'd actually made a pass at
him. "You're free," was the first thing he said.
"Yes," I admitted, amused. "And, you, my beloved Padawan, are
ready to take advantage of that fact. Or rather, we both
are..."
"My training," Obi-Wan breathed, searching my face for any
doubts I might have.
I nodded and took a deep breath. "I have no worries there,
Obi. Everything in me tells me that our time has come at last."
I couldn't help a smile as I fingered his Padawan braid. "Can
you feel it? In the Force?"
Continuing, Obi-Wan:
I considered my Master's deep communion with the living Force,
something I was still learning to share as well, but even in
that... yes, I could feel the drawing, the rightness of it, the
caress of the Force assenting to our union. I gazed up into
Qui-Gon's handsome, open face, alive with affection and his
deep caring for me. Never had I been allowed to see that so
openly. This is what I had to have been protected from all
these years? I thought, feeling a shadow fall over me for a
moment. I felt bitter at the necessity even as I understood it.
"Obi?" Qui-Gon inquired softly, studying my reaction. He laid
his hands on my upper arms, again seeking a physical connection
in these first steps.
"I wish this didn't have to have taken so long," I murmured,
then edged nearer into the almost-embrace. I was seriously
beginning to crave his touch. "To finally see on your face how
much you love me... I regret having to wait for that."
Qui-Gon nodded, understanding all too well. "And I, to hide
that from you... yes, beloved, I know." He pulled me gently
against him then, bending down to me. He slid his hand up along
my cheek, his other arm curving around my back. I shivered,
entranced with his touch, his nearness. "I so wanted to show
you, tell you in so many ways how much you mean to me..." My
Master's voice had grown husky. He caressed my cheek with his
thumb. "You are ready to be my assistant in fact, Obi-Wan.
Finally I may ease out of my role as your master a
little."
"You will always be my master," I whispered, my voice no less
rough with emotion. I twined my arms around my tall master's
waist as I spoke. "And now, finally, my lover..."
Emotion surged within our linked minds. Unable to hold back
despite his concern to proceed with care, Qui-Gon made a soft
noise in his throat and met my lips with his as he tilted my
face up to him. Then we were melting into each other's mouth,
learning the taste and feel of each other for the first time.
As yet the kiss was not deepened, for we both still held back,
not wanting to lose a moment of this sweet knowing for the sake
of satisfying any sexual urgency. The agreement to take their
time was mutual and unspoken. We just knew what we wanted. This
was far, far more about the communion and mating of our minds
and spirits, not just our bodies.
When lips parted, we separated enough so that we could look at
one another. "I've imagined that kiss thousands of times,"
Qui-Gon whispered, still holding my face in his big hand, his
eyes dark with emotion. His eyes roved over my face as if
seeing it anew, as if he hadn't studied it a million times
before. "But never with such peace in my heart like I feel
right now." Qui-Gon smiled, his eyes crinkled with
affection.
"I didn't dare imagine too much," I admitted, then ducked my
glance downward. There had been days in which I'd wanted to
die, from having to bear the waiting. When a finger tipped my
chin up again, I returned his gaze willingly, letting it rove
over the noble brow and the kind, loving eyes. "Yoda was
right," I explained quietly, "I would have despaired long ago
if I hadn't known of your love. It was the beacon I clung to,
knowing that I had but to wait. Knowing that I already had your
love." I smiled, making a little noise of satisfaction. "I
think I've always known, deep within." I sighed as a large
thumb began to stroke my cheek again. "Oh, Qui, I can hardly
believe the time has come..."
"Shhh," Qui-Gon hushed me, kissing my cheek, my jaw, my nose.
As my lover rained tender kisses over my countenance, he spoke
at last into the intimate depths of my mind. Believe...
beloved...
The words fell like petals of soft, velvet marsh roses into my
mind, a light and loving caress that caused a flood of peace to
settle through it and thereafter my body, allowing me to relax
against his massive form. Qui, beloved, I will, I am... oh,
yes...
I leaned into that intimate mental touch, yearned for it,
hungered for that deeply personal knowing of this man who was
everything to me. It goes without saying that I admired Qui-Gon
Jinn, respected him, worshipped him as the Jedi I would most
like to emulate. But I knew from the years shared and
especially in this last year... the man within the robes, the
Qui who had been so hurt before by another apprentice, who felt
deeply for the cares of those he'd pledged to defend or guide
towards peace, who was so blended with the living Force... and
who, I now knew, had loved me long, and never hesitated in that
love, though he had been with another. I knew his heart.
I closed my eyes, settling my cheek in against his throat as
his hand slipped up into my hair. Nervous no longer, I touched
his mind in the same way, knowing that he knew me as well, the
man I was now, still his apprentice but soon hopefully to be
Knight. His ideals were mine - I knew he knew this, that we
were one mind as Jedi.
Even better... invited within like this, I could sense the
Force as it purred within his being. And I felt Qui-Gon's
curious and awed sensing of the Force as it flowed through his
padawan. Two energy spirals... already beginning a complex
weaving together, sealing us as One.
"Do you understand what is happening, Obi-Wan?" I heard his
voice above me ask quietly.
I held still, puzzled. Then I became even more bewildered when
the spirals faltered in their intent to merge. "Something's
wrong..." I whispered, shocked.
"I never supposed it would begin already," Qui-Gon murmured,
and I felt a hint of his own shock. "Pa'drat'na," he added,
dismay mingled strangely with... awe?
"What?" I felt shaken suddenly. No, this cannot be
happening... we waited so long... now there's an
obstacle?
"There is an obstacle," my master said with a frightening
calm. "I just didn't expect it now. But then, I didn't
expect..." Then he sighed. "I need to tell you about this,
Obi-Wan, and about what I must do."
I pulled out of his embrace to glare up at him. "No more
delays, Qui-Gon, please..."
To my further consternation, there was amusement in his eyes
as he looked down at me. "Oh, this isn't a delay, Obi. Think of
it as... a stepping stone. It really makes sense when you think
about it."
"WHAT makes sense?" I secretly loved it when he teased me like
this, but I hoped to never, ever, let him know that. "It,
what's IT?" My irritation rang in my voice, I hoped, and I know
my youthful scowl couldn't have been pretty.
"Take a good, long look at our bond, Obi-Wan," Qui-Gon
replied, faintly smiling.
That was Teacher tone. I did hate that, used at this time.
Narrowing my eyes at him, I complied, looking within even as I
glared at him. Our training bond, begun even before I was
accepted by him as Padawan, had steadily grown stronger over
the years
"Are you going to tell me, or am I going to have to threaten
you to get it out of you?" I asked shakily, and when he reached
for me, I stepped back out of his grasp.
"Of course I'm going to tell you, Obi," Qui-Gon replied,
clasping his great arms around me anyway. I didn't resist; it
felt too good to be close to him. "Let me explain about the
pa'drat'na first. We are exceedingly well-matched in mind and
spirit already, love," he continued, his voice dropping in
volume and register. I would come to associate his lowered
voice as the love-tones of my mate. I shivered, hearing this
aural caress. "It so happens that among Force-sensitive
telepaths, a mental link may be formed between two lovers who
match... as we do. This link is called the pa'drat'na, and the
two mated together are called each other's pa'drat'na as well.
The term is ancient. I've heard it said that Andur and Nomi
Sunrider were one such pair."
Names out of distant Jedi history... "What does this linking
mean, Qui-Gon?" I asked softly, my arms folded again around his
waist.
His eyes took on a darkened sheen that I could have verily
drowned in. It was the look of a lover gazing at the particular
person desired. I only hoped my eyes could be half that
expressive. "Pa'drat'na... the life-love. It means that we can
have no barriers between our minds... that our spirits are
meshed together... our souls blended, even. As I said, only
Force-sensitive telepaths can achieve this. It would make us
more powerful. We can seamlessly blend together our powers."
His arms tightened about me. "You know that many Jedi maintain
contact with the living after they are absorbed into the
Force... so did Andur Sunrider help his mate take her first
steps toward becoming a Jedi. But for the pa'drat'na pair... if
one passes on, he or she adds their powers to the one left
alive. Nomi Sunrider possessed both her own Jedi powers... and
her husband's."
I felt my personal universe quiver, hearing this talk of
power... "And the down side?"
Qui-Gon bent his head down to me, his lips so close I could
feel when he exhaled. He whispered, "We will be unable to
shield against one another, Obi. There can never be secrets
between us, unless of course we are separated by great
distance... although perhaps even then... I'm afraid our mental
intimacy will be... complete."
From famine to feast... I was having a difficult time
processing this, feeling the intoxication of his nearness. We
were - at the moment - carefully NOT in each other's mind, but
I understood that after this link was formed, we couldn't keep
each other out. At all. "And... this is a bad thing?" I
queried, my voice also hushed. I was far more interested in the
fact that his lips were less than a handful of inches from
mine.
They curved into a smile. "Think about it. We could never get
away from one another."
"I can't imagine wanting to get away from you... ever," I
breathed, feeling dizzily in love. I could have lifted my feet
from the floor and let him carry my weight - he had that kind
of hold on me. And I loved it. I wanted his power, his sheer,
massive strength covering me, filling me, loving me...
"Obi-Wan," Qui-Gon said a little more sharply, love-tones
tuned up to teacher-tones for a minute. "You're not thinking
clearly about this, beloved. We would have no privacy from each
other."
It occurred to me then that mental privacy was definitely
something Qui-Gon Jinn was used to. And cherished. I gazed into
those deep blue orbs of his, and found something to counter his
argument with. "Good," I answered, frowning at his concern.
"Maybe I can finally help you heal from those myriad of
emotional wounds you seem so bent on bearing forever..."
I'd startled him. Good. He gaped at me in shock, his arms
loosening. But I didn't let him get away. "Obi-Wan, what are
you talking about?" Qui-Gon asked, looking at me as if I'd
grown a second head.
6)
Qui-Gon's POV, continuing...
My beloved Padawan, fiercely intelligent and insightful...
well, this time perhaps a bit too insightful. For it was true
the depth of what we would have in the pa'drat'na appalled me.
He narrowed his eyes as he looked up into mine, and I still
wished he was over there and I over here...
"Wounds, Qui-Gon," Obi-Wan replied gently though firmly.
"Things you will not talk to me about. Now you will have
to."
I did put him off then, pushing against his grasp and taking
his arms from around my waist. "And what would those be?" I was
biding for time, and he knew it. When I would have made my
escape, he caught my hands, drawing me back to him.
"Qui, please..." he said, his voice going softer. I could not
avoid the love in his voice, in fact the soft little way in
which he spoke my nickname sent a deep thrill through me.
"Besides having to wait for me so long... I know you cared
deeply for Depa as well."
"We are both comfortable with ending our contract," I hastened
to remind him. I suppose I was unintentionally scowling at him,
for he released my hands and let me move away. "And I never
formed any sort of bond with her," I added.
Obi-Wan lowered his gaze, looking somewhere in the vicinity of
my boots as he turned partly from me. Did he know how utterly
beautiful he looked, even fully dressed and slightly frowning?
"Xanatos," he whispered.
I'd managed to put that nasty chapter of my life behind me
long ago... until a couple years ago when we'd encountered my
former padawan for the last time. It was the last because I
killed him when he attacked us. Obi-Wan had been injured early
in the battle, and I fought my old nemesis alone against
Xanatos's two lightsabers. I had truly healed from my old
infatuation with my pupil... until a freak stumble allowed me
to defeat him. I killed him. And in so doing, tore the healed
wound in my heart wide open again.
Not that I'd shared as much with Obi-Wan. Not entirely. Buried
that well, I did. Or so I'd thought. Apparently my current
apprentice had been saving this up for the right moment to
bring it up. Apparently that moment had arrived. Learning that
there would be no shields between us in the pa'drat'na was his
opening. It filled me with dismay. I had fully expected the
pa'drat'na to occur some years down the road yet. Not now. Not
already. I was prepared only to love him at last, not bare my
soul to him.
Of course, I had to try to deflect his effort. "What of him?"
I asked coolly.
He shot a look at me again, his light blue eyes narrowed,
incredulous. "You think I know so little about the heart of
Master Qui-Gon Jinn?"
Force, he was magnificent. And he did indeed see straight
through me. "All right, then you see how I'm not exactly eager
to lose every barrier between us. Most, but not all." I tried
to compose myself, slipping my hands into the sleeves of my
robe.
"Who better to bare all to," he murmured, again in that soft
voice, "than one who loves you without question, who loves all
of you, Qui?" His eyes roved over my face, a visual caress.
"There is nothing in the darkest recesses of your mind that
could shake my love for you. And I do know your heart."
"No," I corrected him, feeling a flush of love for this
wondrous being course through me. In a matter of two steps I
had him back in my arms again, my mouth already claiming his.
Oh, Force, he tasted so sweet, his lips yielding and parting
under mine. I felt his hands clench in my hair as if to prevent
me from pushing him away again, but I had no will to do that,
and every will to tell him exactly what he meant to me. You
are my heart, I thought back, sending a tendril of
love into his mind to reinforce it. Obi-Wan sagged against me
for the mere moment, then was fiercely kissing me back, his
arms wound around my neck.
I was totally unprepared when it happened again. Our minds
falling together, then SNAP, something preventing the merger.
"The obstacle," Obi gasped as he separated briefly from me.
"What...?"
"I'm sorry," I interrupted him, breathing rather hard myself.
"Our training bond. I'm afraid it's going to have to go."
"Oh, is THAT all," Obi-Wan retorted, then searched my face,
wondering. "But I'm still your padawan learner..."
A laugh erupted from me somewheres, catching us both by
surprise. "Obi, we're hardly going to need a training bond if
we have THAT!"
"Then this doesn't affect my training?" His eyes were wide,
half in hope, half in horror if the worst should be true.
I snorted my amusement, kissing his eyes closed, which of
course flew back open again. "Likely it will hasten it.
Fortunately, the sharing of memory is not automatic, or we
should be overwhelmed with input each from the other. But the
pa'drat'na will increase your rate of learning nevertheless. I
can show you things a lot more efficiently and swiftly."
"Oh," he said, hands slipping from my shoulders to the back of
my neck again. I was finding that I loved his hands in my hair.
"How hard is the training bond to break?"
When I'd killed Xanatos's father, the butcher of Telos, and
Xanatos screamed at me for what he saw as my betrayal and
turned his lightsaber against me... in that moment when I fully
realized what manner of man I'd attempted to raise to Jedi
Knight, I severed the bond between Xanatos's mind and mine. He
screamed again in fury, and I saw the Dark sweep fully through
him as he attacked me. Then, he was no match for me... and I
did not kill him. But my mind remained raw from the breaking of
the bond for months. Not until I faced him for the second time
with Obi-Wan on Bandomeer a few years later did that heal -
when a new bond formed between my mind and Obi-Wan's though I
had not accepted him as Padawan. That bond had saved both our
lives...
And now it needed breaking. Obi-Wan was still my student and
responsibility, though much more. I owed him the truth, always.
"It's like surgery, only mental," I replied at last. "It can be
quite traumatic."
"The pa'drat'na link cannot be built upon the training bond?"
Obi-Wan asked, frowning.
I kissed his brow to ease the worry. "Right now the training
bond is preventing it. But I will see if any adjustments can be
made." I sighed, for here was yet another disparity between us.
Jedi Knights are telepaths... and Jedi Masters more so. There
were... things... that the Masters shared only with more
experienced Knights. Managing mental bonds between a Master and
a padawan... or between two Jedi lovers... was a rather more
advanced art. But Obi-Wan could very well be exceptional in
this area, for it was true that we'd begun to share thought
very early on, earlier than was expected... and of course I had
never had to initiate the bond. It just was, suddenly. I had
never had the need to examine my padawan's mind for his
telepathic potential, but it was highly likely he would develop
into as strong a telepath as I knew myself to be.
In fact, the pa'drat'na would likely ensure this.
He sensed that I was contemplating a course of action, and
rubbed at my neck with his fingers. "Qui?" he whispered,
waiting for me to look at him again. I suppose I'd been
somewhere else, considering our future link. Could the training
bond be the foundation for the pa'drat'na or must it give way
so the other could develop?
I kissed him quickly. "We need a consultation with an expert,"
I explained.
The expert wasn't on Coruscant, strangely. The little green
Master with the pointed ears was on a rare excursion to another
planet on Council business.
Yoda was... smug. So I was right - he had engineered
this entire thing. Right from making sure that I chose Obi-Wan
Kenobi for my padawan clear through to this moment... when we
would become pa'drat'na to each other. Impressive bit of
foresight, this... or else my former master just knew me very
well. Regardless, he had a solution. "Come to you both, I
will," he cackled, enjoying this way too much. "Show you how,
yes... the training bond to remake, hmmm?"
"Thank you, my Master," I murmured, unable to hold back a
grin. Feeling suddenly playful, I pulled Obi-Wan down onto my
lap so that Yoda could see him in the viewscreen. "Obi thanks
you, too."
Obi-Wan was already laughing. "Let me up, you big oaf, I can
thank him myself. Thank you, Grandmaster Yoda." He tried to
muster up some dignity but wasn't having any better luck than I
was. Perhaps it was the fact that we didn't have to break our
training bond that contributed to our levity. I know I was
relieved. I did not want any connection I already had with my
beloved to be altered if we could help it.
"Welcome, you both are. See you in two days I will," Yoda
replied with a knowing smirk.
Two days! Well, we had waited this long already. Surely we
could last another two days.
"In that time, touch your mind bond you will not," Yoda added
firmly. But there was a hint of a sadistic glee in his eyes
when he finished, "Nor have sex you will. Risk the pa'drat'na
you must not."
"What does sex have to do with it?" Obi-Wan asked, his voice a
little shrill as he stared at the screen in horror.
"Jedi are telepaths. Draws the minds together, sex between
Jedi does. Unable to resist it, you will be," Yoda explained
matter-of-factly. What that little green toad knew about
humans, I'd always found astonishing. I couldn't help but
wonder over the years if he'd purposely made the human race his
own personal study... or was that playground? And it had also
occurred to me many times before that I ought to be worried
that he'd picked me to be his padawan some forty-plus years
ago.
Really, though, I couldn't complain. Yoda being my master now
meant Obi-Wan in my life. Nothing to complain about at all.
"We will cope, Master," I murmured, winking at my indignant
padawan. "Two days, then."
When the comscreen grew dark, I pulled Obi-Wan back into my
lap, though he was not a small man. "So, I'm a big oaf, am I?"
I grinned as he laughed, then despite Yoda's cautions I tugged
on my padawan's braid to pull his mouth down to mine.
Force, I felt twenty-one again myself, feeling a new energy
within me to be holding this incredible man in my arms, tasting
the lushness of his mouth. Oh, I wanted him, wanted to kiss the
Force right out of him, wanted to learn his body like I knew my
own, wanted... wanted...
I wanted to blend with him, mind and body. To be inside him
and take him inside myself. To join, merge... but I couldn't
and risk our future together.
Ohhhh, but he tasted so good...
Obi-Wan, continuing:
After the transmission with Yoda ended, I found myself tumbled
back into the lap of one very large, very powerful and very
sensual Jedi Master. I was ready to laugh again, but hadn't a
chance... or a prayer... for I rapidly discovered a new meaning
for his tug on my padawan braid. No longer would that cherished
gesture mean "Pay attention, Padawan", but now it very clearly
meant, "You're all mine, Padawan" as he took my mouth with his.
That it was a rather possessive gesture mattered not to me, for
I abruptly wanted nothing more than to be possessed by this...
this...
Force, he was awesome. I'd worshipped his sheer beauty, his
power, his grace for years. He was the penultimate Jedi to me,
and I couldn't imagine ever needing another teacher... or
lover. I wanted him to be my whole life, my all and everything,
and felt deeply blessed and privileged if he wanted me in the
same way. And, oh Sithhell, did he want me...
Qui-Gon Jinn was ravishing my mouth, lips, tongue, teeth...
his massive hands eager on my back and buttocks. It was all I
could do to keep balanced on his knee, though I felt like any
second I would thump hard onto the floor, followed by a huge
Jedi Master all over me. SITH, he was potent! Someplace in my
abruptly mush-filled brain I remembered Yoda telling us to
avoid having sex... so what was this...?
Just as abruptly as it had started, it stopped, or rather
slowed dramatically. His lips were still on mine, just...
there. Im felt flushed, and certainly aroused, and I suppose I
was panting a little. I wanted to touch our bond, send my
thought to him, tell him how I hungered for him, but we'd been
cautioned against that as well. So I kept very still, waiting
for him, my heart pounding.
"Obi," he whispered against my lips. I felt his fingers on my
scalp where my braid grew, and another thrill shivered through
me. "We must wait. But, oh, Force, I do want you now..." Again,
those deepened love-tones.
"Qui," I breathed against his mouth, my fingers already
slipped inside the neck of his tunic where they stroked his
taut, silky skin. "I want you, too, oh, I love you and need
you..." I did not dare say more. I wanted him to take me like
I'd never been taken before... even if I was usually the taker.
Then I was kissing him again, but lightly, just enjoying his
lips.
He stopped me, straightening and pulling back gently from my
mouth. "I love you so much, Obi-Wan... but we must wait to do
this right. Perhaps we should each find a project that will
busy ourselves - separately - for the next couple
days..."
"No," I protested immediately, my arms around him when he
would have pushed me off his lap. "We can control this, or else
we're no Jedi... I need to be with you. We just won't... go all
the way, and we won't touch each other's mind. We can do
that."
Despite what I had just said, I could feel his conflict in our
bond. Yet he held me and did not push me away. "Yes, of course
we can," Qui-Gon replied quietly.
We sat like that for a very long time. Just remaining close.
Both of us, I know, relied on our Jedi discipline, and soon we
were calmed down, leaning on one another. We'd shifted over to
a low bench in our simple accommodations, Qui straddling the
bench with his long legs to either side of me, and I turned
partially to him. Or at least my upper body was turned toward
him. I had my right arm around his waist and held his chin in
my other hand, intending to study his face as I'd so longed to.
Qui-Gon shifted even closer, his long arms around my lower
back.
"I've wanted to do this since I was thirteen," I told him, and
gave him a saucy wink. "Play with your beard." I fingered his
neatly clipped mustache and beard, marveling when I discovered
soft where I had expected bristly. I grinned when his mouth
curved up in a smile. I ran my thumb over his lips. "And I
first thought about how nice it would be to do this when I was
sixteen."
"The age difference between us really doesn't bother you?"
Qui-Gon asked quietly after a bit, his smile fading.
The question surprised me. "No, of course not." I searched his
eyes, wondering, but he glanced away.
"Even if I live a very long time," he replied, his voice
hushed, "I will very likely die long before you. While we may
have a long while to enjoy the intimacy of the pa'drat'na, you
will have a long time as well... without it, without me. Until
we are rejoined in the Force."
I cupped his bearded jaw in my hand and turned his face back
to me. "Qui-Gon... beloved... even if I have you for but six
months it will be worth it." I tried to speak softly, tried to
communicate my love in my voice. "How often have you told me
that the life of a Jedi was hard? We are trained to bear and
manage pain and loss, discomfort..."
"Heartache?" Qui-Gon interrupted, leaning his face into my
touch. "I wonder... and how many Jedi have ever had to deal
with the loss of such a link as our minds will have? Can anyone
continue with half their mind gone?"
I soberly considered his words, knowing all too well as he did
that neither of us could know how devastating such a loss could
be. We could only guess. And my first guess was that I... if it
were me left behind, I would want to die.
I caressed his cheek with my thumb, looking into his solemn
eyes. "I don't know, Qui. Perhaps no one can."
He gazed at me for a long time, a look of such utter love that
made me want to melt right into his body. "Then we'll have to
hope that the Force wills that we go together, I suppose."
Somethin long time."
Qui-Gon tried to match my smile. "I know that the blessing of
your love for me will already extend my life-span, Obi." He
succeeded finally, relaxing into a warm smile that spoke of a
certain... promise. "In fact, when I'm close to you..." And he
pulled me even closer for emphasis, the smile broadening into a
grin, "about thirty years just seem to drop away from
me..."
"Oh, is that all?" I chuckled, but his response was to dive in
for a rather hungry kiss that told me there well could be a
certain agony sustained over the next few days while we
restrained our very natural impulses...
7)
That evening, the demands of the link that wanted to form won
out over impulses, though temptation would demand the best of
our famed Jedi discipline. We were both aware that this could
have been the unmade link working to keep us together.
Though there were a few awkward moments. "Padawan, what are
you doing?" I heard the soft inquiry behind me as I tossed my
pillow onto the bed, then sat on the edge and began tugging off
my boots.
I froze, my foot half out. "Getting ready for bed," I said
quietly as he came to tower over me. But I was no youth to be
intimidated by his size anymore. I looked up the long length of
him to his face.
The bed. This was his bed, in his room. We had a typical
Master-Padawan suite in the Temple, with the second bedroom off
the common room on the opposite site of the Master's room. I
had just come from there, my pillow in hand.
He was watching me curiously. "I'm not sure this is a good
idea, Obi-Wan," he said, then cast a meaningful glance at my
pillow beside his.
I pulled the boot off anyway and started on the other. "I do,"
I replied, glancing down again. "I want to be close to you... I
need to be close to you."
To my surprise, he came down onto one knee before me and laid
his hands over mine. I stopped what I was doing, astonished,
and met his gaze again. He smiled, relaxing. "Let me, beloved,"
he said softly, putting my hands aside. Then he pulled off my
boot for me.
"Let me reciprocate," I said quickly, not trusting myself if
he stayed where he was for long. Our eyes met and he nodded,
understanding. That my heart was already pounding he surely
knew... and I read a subtle tension in him as well, though as
always, his control was impressive. And, indeed, his serenity
began to wear off on me and I calmed down. I removed his boots,
then we separately removed the remainder of our clothes,
retaining the short breeches of soft linen that most Jedi wore
as undergarments.
We completed our preparations in silence, using the 'fresher
one at a time. When I came out, Qui-Gon was already sitting on
the far half of the bed, hugging his knees. I noted with a
twinge that his hair was down, spilled beautifully over his
shoulders. Force, I loved his hair... Gracefully he extended a
hand to me. "Come close, beloved," he said quietly, again in
the lowered tones that drew forth a shiver from me.
I took his hand, letting him draw me in as I sat on the bed
beside him. He was so beautiful that despite my understanding
of the necessary caution, I slipped my other hand into his hair
and kissed him. Yet I also felt his peace. Qui-Gon maintained
perfect control though he gladly welcomed me into his bed now.
The kiss... oh, our kiss was sweet and light, not deep, just
wonderfully loving and tender.
Yoda would have to be off Coruscant just now, he
sent to me with a bubbling of humor.
I pulled off his mouth, laughing. "So it seems," I replied.
"And he told us not to touch our link," I reminded him gently.
I had a long fall of his hair in my hand. Leaning in, I held it
against my cheek, enjoying its softness as well as his
distinctive scent mingled with the scent of the soap he used,
made from herbs from one of the Temple gardens.
Qui-Gon sighed, his lips against my other cheek. "But now that
we're committed to this new link between us, I find I am so
ready to open myself to you," he whispered. "Obi-Wan, I have
kept too much from you for too long... too much of myself. I
know... those wounds you mentioned. I have lived much
longer than you... I fear I have accumulated more than you
know..."
"I accept," I said abruptly, kissing his hair, his cheek, his
jaw.
"You accept what, Obi?" he inquired. I could feel his
smile.
"The role of Healer," I murmured. Then I released his hair and
laid down, looking up at him. "I will fill those holes in your
heart. I will heal you."
Our fingers were still twined. I bore the pressure of his
grip, returning it. For a brief moment he looked stricken. I
was absolutely serious about this, and I knew he could see
that. Then the expression on his face changed to deep
gratitude. "Obi-Wan..." he breathed my name, then he slid down
onto the bed as well, releasing my hand to gather me into his
large embrace, my head against his shoulder.
"Qui..." I felt my throat tightening with the energy of the
emotions wrapped around us.
"You heal me now," I heard him say in a rougher voice. "We
both do that for one another. Then we will unite, become one in
mind."
The Pa'drat'na. "Yes, oh, yes," I replied fervently,
tightening my own arms around him.
He pulled my head away from him enough so he could look down
at me again. "Obi, I am so sorry that I was hesitant about
this... now I want nothing else. I have kept my walls long
enough... it's time for them to fall. I want this... though I
fight back the fear that what you will see in me will shake
your faith in me..."
"Never," I interrupted firmly. "No one is perfect. We are all
with our own faults, beloved. I have plenty as well. Some you
don't even know about." I knew that to be true, though I also
knew that no one knew me like Qui-Gon Jinn. "Faith in a person
doesn't come from knowing them to be perfect," I added, then
belatedly recalled the words to be his.
Qui-Gon smiled. "Indeed, Obi. It comes from knowing the
leanings of their heart. And I know very well that yours leans
to the Light as avidly as my own. It is what draws me to love
you, to know how your spirit so closely answers my own. We are
already one in that respect... as Jedi."
It was an affirmation of his faith and trust in me as his
apprentice... and companion... that I hadn't been looking for,
but cherished deeply. I found myself hugging his neck abruptly,
unable to respond, so deliriously happy did I feel.
Indeed, our communion as Jedi had been deepening for years.
The groundwork for the pa'drat'na had been laid long ago.
A few more heartfelt whispers of love were exchanged between
us a while later, then another sweet, blessed kiss was shared.
Then we relaxed against each other at last, and fell
asleep.
Qui-Gon's POV...
When Yoda returned to Coruscant, it was a good ten hours
before he was able to meet with us. As always, he asked us -
together this time - to meet with him beside the small
waterfall in the Temple gardens.
We knelt before him in meditative posture, the picture of Jedi
serenity. Of course, it had taken all that morning - apart - to
achieve that in meditation. I felt calm though I could not
avoid feeling some of my companion's elation. Obi-Wan, too, had
steeped himself in tranquillity, but he was, understandably,
excited. This moment had been a long time coming.
I had spent most of my meditation time making sure that I was
as accepting of all this as I believed myself to be. It
certainly was time I left my carefully harbored shielding
behind and let my beautiful young lover inside... but was I
ready for that? I had more to hide - thirty years more - than
he did. To my count, my mistakes outnumbered my triumphs,
though I suspected my master would not agree. I felt the weight
of my responsibilities acutely... and my years. Also weighing
on my spirit were the deaths I'd caused, though all had come in
the line of duty. Still, no Jedi escapes their weight, no
matter how deserving the dead had been. As all Padawans did
with their Masters, Obi-Wan had me on a pedestal. This was
going to tear that down quite effectively. Which was why I had
to do this. Not that I feared that he wouldn't still want to be
with me... knowing... but I only wanted him if he knew all of
me. I owed him no less.
Yoda looked long at Obi-Wan without even greeting us, just
gazing with those bulbous green eyes of his, his left ear
twitching every once in a while. My padawan sat fairly still,
his eyes open but unfocused, his shields down though he had
been careful to keep closed his end of our link. As I did. We
waited while the tiny Master read his fill of what was going on
within Obi-Wan Kenobi's mind. Stilling myself to patient calm,
I steered my thoughts away from Obi-Wan, settling on an
emotionally neutral object for contemplation. This wasn't
difficult for me, even now. I chose a memory of a glorious
sunset we'd once witnessed on Shedril III, the icy cloud layers
spilling into a rainbow of purples and deep mauves touched with
bright pink where the binary star still peaked through... I
remembered how rosy the glow made Obi-Wan's skin look...
All right, maybe not that memory.
I was into a good ten minutes of reflection on the dozens of
species of cratha-bars on Genniover V when I felt a soft
tapping on my knee. I blinked, then looked at Master Yoda. I
was grateful he didn't rap me sharply and painfully on the knee
as he used to. "My master..." I murmured, nodding my
head.
"Speak to you alone now, I will, Qui-Gon Jinn," Yoda said
thoughtfully, studying me in that measuring way of his.
Obi-Wan exchanged a glance with me and I know we were thinking
the same thing - was something wrong? "Excuse me, my Master,
Grandmaster," he said quietly. As he got to his feet, he leaned
in toward me and brushed his lips against mine. Pleased that he
could feel so comfortable doing so in front of Master Yoda, I
smiled and gave him a quick little tug on his braid before he
straightened. Then he was gone, walking to a different part of
the garden until he would be required again.
Yoda was looking at me with that smug little smirk of his. But
his words both surprised and deeply pleased me. "Proud of you
both, I am. Ready for this... you both are."
"Thank you, my Master," I murmured with a relieved sigh.
He gently prodded my chest with his stick, growing serious
again. "Worried about this... your Padawan is," he said softly.
"The heart of a Jedi Master has many walls... this one, no
less."
I felt a tight swell of love within me for Obi-Wan. Worried
about me! "I will let him in, Master," I vowed.
"The training bond... adapted it can be," Yoda continued,
peering at me. "The help of three other Masters I have
enlisted. Difficult and painful procedure, this will be. Endure
it you must, or danger to you both there will be."
"I understand, Master," I replied. So be it...
"Explained this already to Padawan Obi-Wan, I have," Yoda
continued. "Strong with the Force is he, no fear in his heart.
Both your strength together you will need. Powerful, powerful
will be this bond. But... time to acclimate you will have. Your
next mission, canceled shall be. When next you two go out... I
will decide."
"Yes, my Master," I sighed. I didn't agree with this last bit.
Yoda had meddled enough already, I thought, but he had guided
us well in this matter, so I let this go. He seemed to sense my
thought as he gave a knowing nod, narrowing his eyes at me.
"Yield to what must be, Qui-Gon," Yoda finished softly. "Let
the pa'drat'na link remake you both. The Force will be with
you."
"And with you, Master," I replied, content. I bowed to him,
touching the ground briefly with my fingertips, but before I
could straighten, he'd patted my cheek with his chubby claw, a
simple gesture of affection. He'd last done that to me when I
was Knighted. I straightened and smiled.
"Defiant and willful you can be, Qui-Gon Jinn," Yoda noted,
gesturing with his stick. "But good your heart is. Now go,
collect your Padawan and return to your quarters. The Masters
will be there shortly."
I thanked Yoda then mentally called Obi-Wan to me as I
departed from the gardens.
When Obi-Wan caught up to me, I first pulled him aside into a
private alcove. It would be the last chance I'd have to speak
with him alone before this monumental change we'd share.
Delightfully, he mistook my intent, his arms going around my
neck as he grinned at me. I didn't care and pulled him tightly
against me as I kissed him deeply though briefly.
His eyes were hooded when we separated. I took a deep breath,
also feeling the desire humming between us. "Obi-Wan, I have to
say something to you before we go in there," I murmured,
rubbing his back lightly.
"Yoda warned me, it's all right," he replied, smiling up at
me. Then he saw how solemn I was. "What is it, Qui?"
I wasn't sure how to say this; I only knew it needed to be
said. "It's just this... Obi-Wan, I may be a Jedi Master, but
far more importantly... I am only a man, much like any other.
I'm far from perfect and there are things I've done, decisions
I've made that I'm not proud of. I've made many mistakes. And
now..." I searched his eyes, but he was listening patiently,
understanding that I needed to say all this, though I could
tell he'd wanted to interrupt me. "Now I will not be able to
hide any of that from you... my past. My memories will be open
to you to read. You will come to know me as I really am, far
more than Yoda has been able to when reading me. Yet, though I
will surely be reduced in your eyes, I must still function as
your master. I only hope that it will not be too difficult for
you to still regard me so." I didn't add, but I could have:
Much less still love me...
Obi-Wan shook his head at me, bringing a hand around to cup my
cheek. He stroked my beard with his thumb as if to soothe me.
"Beloved, I know all this... and I know that I'm merely a man,
too. I doubt if you'd have trained me if you'd known half of
the self-doubts I've run myself through over the years... which
makes us a lot alike. But then if we weren't checking our own
motives and struggling to better ourselves, we wouldn't be
Jedi." He smiled, his love for me so evident in his eyes. "I
don't love you because you're a Jedi Master, but because you're
Qui-Gon Jinn. And that means all of you, good or bad."
But I had known of his struggles; we just hadn't shared them
much before. Now we would. Now neither of us would ever face
them alone. I had seen every doubt of his on his face too many
times, but he would never bring them to me, and I would not
press him on it. I suppose he'd felt the same way. What was
important here was that we were both trying - to be good men,
to be Jedi. And that path we would always share now.
I turned my head and kissed his palm. "Thank you, Obi," I
murmured, loving him all the more now for understanding.
We had a pleasant surprise awaiting us. One of the Jedi
Masters waiting for us was Depa Billaba. My heart lifted to see
her, and she greeted us with a wide smile for us both.
"Qui-Gon, Obi-Wan! I am so happy this day has come for you...
and that I could be here to see it."
"Depa, thank you so much," I said, kissing her on the cheek.
But I could sense that her happiness wasn't for us alone, and
indeed I matched her smile when I saw who was with her. I
realized then - Depa and her new mate, Master Milas Cilopan,
had very recently completed their pa'drat'na link!
She saw that I knew. "Yes, Qui, it is so," Depa murmured,
smiling, no, she was glowing. "Two days ago."
I exchanged a smile with Obi-Wan, who understood finally. I
was relieved to see that he didn't seem in the least bit
uncomfortable around her. It was a relief to me that he was
that secure in my love for him at last.
She introduced us to her mate, then I asked, "So it went all
right? Did you have any trouble forming the link?" I was eager
to know, eager to get started on our own link.
Depa and Milas looked at one another then, and we felt - I
know Obi felt this as strongly as I did - a ripple through the
Force. Something powerful was resonating between them and it
awoke a hunger for the same within Obi and myself. "The
adjustment, the laying open of our minds to each other was
painful," Milas said quietly. "But we would have endured a
thousand times worse pain to have what we have now."
Obi-Wan, standing beside me, slipped his arm around my waist.
I could feel his awe as sharply as my own. I put my arm around
him as well, needing the physical contact every bit as much as
he did. "We could have a very rough time ahead for us," I
murmured.
"Which is why we're here," Depa responded. She smiled at her
mate, then broke the gaze to look at us with concern. "Qui-Gon,
already Milas and I can sense how powerful your own link will
become just from how strong your training bond is... and that's
where the difficulty comes from. Yarael Poof will be joining us
in a moment. He believes that your training bond can be
reconfigured to serve as the base for the pa'drat'na... but the
cost could be high. Yarael and Yoda think we can help you...
and Milas is also a Healer, of course."
Milas neared and, to my wonderment, laid fingertips lightly on
Obi's and my chests. "We do not mean to frighten you," he said
softly, "but the suffering is inevitable."
I could sense the healing energies within him already aligning
to us. "We're not afraid to suffer," I whispered, then a
thought occurred to me. "Can this kill us?"
The Healer looked deep into my eyes, then deep into my
companion's. "If you resist it... yes. We have studied this,
and it has happened that when an existing training bond was
involved, both master and padawan were killed." His hands fell
back to his side.
I turned Obi-Wan to me, though still keeping him close. The
trust and devotion in his eyes knived right through me, for we
both knew who was more likely to resist. "Obi-Wan," I
whispered, his face in my hands, "I see only one way for this
to succeed... and that is if we are both prepared to die. We
must let go of what we have - our training bond. It will feel
like dying and we must give in to it."
"Y...yes, Master," he murmured, nodding, his eyes wide. Then I
saw him harden his resolve, his eyes narrowing again. "I have
faced death before, and so have you. If we must meet again only
when we are one with the Force, then so be it."
I'd always admired my padawan's incredible courage. I felt
overcome, humbled by it. "Oh, Obi-Wan," I sighed, gazing into
his eyes, "My brave Obi, you give me such courage... you have
always been stronger than I in that regard."
"Together we will have the strength to complete this," he
said, nodding. Then he was hugging me tightly, though I hugged
him no less tight myself, needing the support every bit as
much.
Master Yarael Poof and Master Yoda joined us a minute later.
We separated to greet them, though I kept my padawan's hand
firmly in mine. "Get comfortable," Yarael then directed us in
his succinct way. I looked at him for a count of three, then
turned to what was already our bedroom, Obi-Wan in tow.
The other masters followed us in, not in the least concerned
for my choice.
We shed boots and robes, and moved the bed out to the middle
of the room more. Then without further ado Obi-Wan and I laid
down in the middle of the bed, arms around each other and legs
entwined, foreheads touching. We tried to relax as the others
ranged themselves around us, but I could feel my padawan's
heart racing. I took a deep breath, willing my own calming.
"Shhh, Obi, relax," I whispered to him, meeting his eyes.
Obi-Wan took a couple deep breaths as well, also working to
calm himself. "If I have to die, I would rather it be in your
arms," he whispered back... breaking my heart. "My consolation
is that we will be together regardless... in this life or
forever in the Force."
I could feel peace descending on us both, the blessing of the
Force. "We die or live together, love," I said to him, managing
a smile. "Always together." Then I kissed him for the last time
before the link would be made.
The Force swirled around us, restless. But it would not absorb
us today. It was not our time, and I felt it. Which did not
mean we did not face a terrible ordeal.
Depa perched on the bed by Obi-Wan's head, running her fingers
into his hair to make one physical connection; Milas sat by the
headboard on my side, doing the same with me. Yarael and Yoda
sat in chairs, one on either side of us, not connected, but
present. All could feel the Force gathering for what was to
come. It would be the task of Depa and Milas to assist us,
using their own link to help align ours. Yarael was the one who
would take apart and remake our training bond so that the
pa'drat'na could develop out of it. Yoda... I sensed my former
master was there as witness... and support.
"Your training bond," Yarael began, "Yoda tells me was not
initiated by either one of you, but occurred spontaneously.
This is the mark of a bond that will be particularly strong.
But as in all training bonds, the only person who can break it
is the master, for only he has the knowledge and skill.
Normally training bonds merely fade with the separation when
the Knight travels away from his Master on his own missions.
But at need, the Master may break the bond." The tall,
long-necked Council member looked gravely upon Qui-Gon, for it
was known that he had already done this before - with Xanatos.
"This is not going to be a breaking of the bond, however, but
an unraveling. But again, Master Jinn must be the one to
separate and loosen the threads that bind you two together. It
will not be easy."
I sighed. "It will not be easy because it is so strong... and
it will be difficult to let go of the most intimate part of our
connection," I murmured to my beloved.
Obi-Wan's gaze revealed his characteristic fire. "But the one
to come will be so much more intimate... I want that, Master."
"As do I..." And indeed, even as I felt the strength of our
training bond, I could feel the burning of the pa'drat'na,
aching to be born between us. "I can and I will do this, my
beloved Padawan. I regret only the pain this will cause
us."
He closed his eyes, then, relaxing more against me. I trust
you, were the last words he sent to me. I felt the last of
his shields dissolve, leaving his mind naked to me.
I closed my eyes as well, my forehead against his, and began
the awful task.
8)
Obi-Wan's POV, continuing...
I was prepared to die. I wanted to be a Jedi Knight... but if
this was going to be my time, if I had to die as a Jedi
Padawan, then it would still be well, for I was going to be one
with my Qui-Gon in the Force forever. So there was nothing to
fear except for the ordeal itself, for the outcome either way
was welcome.
Qui-Gon told me later that he could read in the Force that
this was not our time, but I didn't have his finesse to read
that for myself. It didn't matter that I didn't know, because I
had to allow a kind of dying anyway. But I was ready to die.
Another master/padawan pair had tried this and had died. Our
training bond was very strong... and the unraveling could well
kill us. And Qui-Gon and I had to let it.
After closing my eyes, I entered a sort of trance state, a
surreal detachment from my body. I had done this before when
facing violent death, resting in the knowledge that the pain
and the horror would be only transitory. I had suffered great
pain before, certainly, though rarely agony of the mental sort.
Headaches from nervous tension or eating something
disagreeable, but those were easily dissipated by the mental
disciplines I'd been taught... or my master's skilled mental
touch.
I love you, Obi... I heard distantly from my master.
Then hell descended. The only thing I can think of to describe
the taking apart of our training bond was that there were all
these strong cables in my psyche that were ripped away, tearing
my mind open into a multitude of huge, raw wounds. I would come
to understand later that Qui-Gon had done so with infinite care
and gentleness - the perception came only because such "cables"
were so deeply embedded in my being.
And he'd had to do it on his end as well. Breaking the bond
with Xanatos had been clean. This was not.
My physical reactions were indeed violent...and my master's
were no less violent, I was given to understand. We screamed
until our throats bled. We convulsed, biting through our lips,
fingernails clawing rents in each other's shoulders even as we
clung to one another, tearing our clothes. The Healer and Depa
fought to get control of our bodies away from us so we could
not do ourselves more harm, but this much had been done before
that was possible.
I had never felt more helpless. And never before had the
absence of my master's mind from mine hurt so acutely. I would
come to realize that even with shields in place, our minds had
never truly been apart all the way in the eight years we'd been
together. To lose that sanctuary, that ordered hall where I'd
come to know my greatest serenity, that harbor of renewal, that
husband of my own growing mental powers... to lose that
was more than I could bear.
I wanted to die... very badly. I begged the Force to take me,
take us both.
Once it was done and the tattered remains of our bond had been
set free, a devouring angel seemed to grasp them... it was the
Jedi Master Yarael Poof, a powerful telepath, who began to
reorder those frayed and bleeding strands so that a new pattern
could be woven. And in fact, just as he effected the first of
the new connections, I knew a relief so acute that despite
Depa's firm controls over my physical responses, I sobbed
uncontrollably.
As the pain finally started to abate, I could sense the others
now... Yoda's unwavering concern, Depa and Milas's powerful
healing link, Yarael Poof's adept touch working to reconnect
our minds... and Qui-Gon...
And unexpectedly I screamed again, now soundlessly, my throat
raw, as I perceived what condition my beloved Qui-Gon's mind
was in, though I was no better than he. He was still awash in
horror for what he'd had to do to me... and the horror had
shoved away his reason. Qui-Gon was desperately trying to
resist the reworking of our bond!
My mind registered words I'd only remember later: "Qui-Gon,
you had to do this - Obi-Wan does not hold you to blame, this
had to be done... oh, Force, we could lose them yet... Jinn is
more powerful than I'd expected - he could actually stop the
link from forming despite all my efforts... trust in the Force,
we must!" Yoda, this last one, reminding us where our focus
should lie.
By that point, however, all reason had left me as well, for I
was suddenly possessed of the irrational thought that I had
made all this worse somehow, that I was the reason why
Qui-Gon was trying to prevent the link, that I wasn't meant to
be his pa'drat'na... oh, I don't even remember now all the
useless madness my mind had sunk to... just that it was the
worst indulgence ever of my adolescent feelings of unworthiness
to be Qui-Gon Jinn's padawan...
The Jedi Masters attending us fortunately did not allow either
of us to destroy what was starting to form. The powerful
pa'drat'na linked minds of Depa Billaba and Milas Cilopan in
particular shook sense into both of us and joined with Yarael
Poof in remaking the remains of the training bond into the base
for the pa'drat'na.
Then... oh, miracles... the pa'drat'na began to form. This,
thank the Force, needed no outside assistance. Unfortunately
Qui-Gon and I were both too far gone to either enjoy or
appreciate the melding. In fact, about half way through, the
sheer power of it plunged us both into unconsciousness.
The entire process, I was told, took five excruciating hours.
The recovery period, I was also told... took an entire
week.
I sensed him even before my own body when I woke. Qui?
I hesitatingly asked, then winced from the slice of pain that
went through me in the attempt.
"Do not use telepathy, Obi-Wan," otions so linked now? I would
eventually come to learn that each of us would have to adjust
to having two sets of feelings and senses, our own and our
mates. Now we were one - later we would sort all that out so we
would know who was actually feeling what. But now it was all
jumbled together.
The other Masters, I next noted, were also present in our
minds, firmly monitoring our responses. I'd felt a brief stab
of powerful emotions - love, relief, impatience - then felt
another mind dampening my emotions for me - or were they
Qui-Gon's? I had no way of knowing.
"You must be awake and aware," Yarael Poof was saying. "But
you cannot think at each other, and you cannot speak aloud yet,
either. You both have spent time in a bacta tank healing
physically, but your vocal cords are still healing. Rest in the
sensation that you are both alive... you can sense one
another... and you are healing. For now this is all you can
manage. In another day you can talk again, in two or three days
you can use telepathy actively again. Use this time to find
your centers. Rest... meditate. Healer Cilopan will stay with
you for now. He will tell you when you can get up."
Then all but Milas withdrew. I reached for Qui-Gon and came in
contact with his arm. He shifted and his large hand clasped
mine. It was the most wonderful feeling - that and the new
solidity of his presence in my mind. I felt like crying, I was
so relieved, but again Milas gently calmed me down. So I
squeezed my beloved's hand, and melted at the answering squeeze
back. It was all we were able to do to lie there and be near
one another... but, truly, it was enough.
We were as weak as babies... but after a while we summoned
enough menergy to shift our positions - they'd laid us on our
backs, side by side. I managed to open my eyes just as he
did... and with utter wonder I looked over at my new
pa'drat'na.
Qui-Gon Jinn. Obi-Wan Kenobi?
Stunned, I realized I had dual vision! They were not
overlapping or interfering in any way. I saw myself through
Qui-Gon's eyes and he saw himself through mine, for I could see
he was stunned by the same discovery.
"That will take a day or so to sort out," Milas said,
chuckling. "Your brains need to relearn whose input is whose.
You each have two minds now, you know, the other's and your
own. Depa and I had this same experience."
We looked... terrible. Pale, eyes a bit bloodshot, and we'd
lost weight. The Masters had, of course, changed our clothes
and cleaned us up, combed our hair. I had no doubt that we'd
lost control of our body functions and had had to be washed of
our own wastes. I would learn later that the wounds from our
ordeal were completely healed and left no scars. My beloved
Qui-Gon was still the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen.
Obi - I saw his lips form my nickname. I responded, grinning -
Qui. Then I pulled him into my arms as he pulled me into his...
and we shared a kiss, our first as pa'drat'na. It was short and
sweet. We relaxed, my head tucked into his neck, content to
just be. We had no energy for anything else.
Thanks to our Jedi constitutions... and the Force... we healed
rapidly from then on, gaining strength back. A few hours from
when we first woke up, Milas decided he could leave us. But we
were still under his directives to avoid telepathy as yet. The
dual senses were enough to grapple with.
We warred with another curious dichotomy; the horror of our
agony was still fresh yet we felt giddy and silly trying to
grapple with our temporary blended senses. We went the gamut of
emotions - laughing as I tried to walk while half-believing
that I was six inches taller - exchanging a look of dismay with
my beloved when we thought of tearing our training bond apart.
And I did miss it, terribly, for what we now shared was so
different... and barely functioning as yet. The mental
communion we had known we'd be experiencing was still to be
shared.
We didn't attempt too much physically as yet, but as Milas had
gone we had privacy at last. Not that we could do a lot with
it, for we were still under a directive to avoid having sex as
well. We did not have telepathy and could not have sex, so we
were right back where we were a couple days ago. Fortunately
this second wait, we were told, was only going to be for a
matter of hours, not days.
I wanted him; Force, but I desired him! I'd never seen him so
vulnerable as in this situation, and the combination of that
vulnerability with his natural power and grace unnerved me
terribly. I could see the mind of the Jedi Master already
assimilating, his disciplined controls obeying Qui-Gon with a
speed I could never hope to match... yet. I was in love and in
lust all at once.
It was only moments before I was back in his arms. We were
dressed in undertunic and our short linen breeches, but it felt
like nothing. I could feel the massive hardness of his erection
against my belly but even more, I could feel his arousal
as acutely as my own in our shared minds. It was like our
desires were feeding upon one another. We couldn't keep our
hands from roaming everywhere, so hot were we and giddy
with the doubled sensations.
Wait to have sex? Not a chance.
"Obi-Wan," he rasped at me aloud suddenly, despite his
hoarseness. He stopped me from lunging for his/my? mouth. "Wait
- not like this..."
"Why not?" I croaked, settling for kissing his neck instead. I
nipped him and felt the shock of it go through both of us. My
words came out in a rush. "I don't want to know which is me and
which is you - I want to make love with you while we're all
mixed up."
I could feel him follow my thought as I spoke, and I
could already sense the way his thought would go. Incredible.
"Our first time..." Qui-Gon hesitated still. I could see in his
mind when he switched over temporarily into Jedi Master. "It is
foolish to purposely incur a setback... this will delay
our healing.
My last argument died in my throat with that reminder. What I
was proposing was very un-Jedi. It's not like it would hurt me
to wait, though I did feel a tremendous need to release that
tension. I felt him master his own arousal; already I could
feel him soften against me. "Master..." I sighed, my forehead
against his throat, my eyes closed. "...want you..."
"Soon," he whispered, kissing my hair. I watched - within his
mind, our mind - as he set the encounter into proper
perspective. The horror faded, leaving behind a memory of the
price we'd paid for our new unity though we wouldn't ever
forget our pain. The ability of that memory to bring us dismay
was taken away. It would never stand between us - what Qui-Gon
had had to do.
He reached to dissipate my raging arousal... and just as I
pulled away from his mental touch, he withdrew. "I'm sorry,
love," Qui-Gon said hastily.
This was a new problem, one which we needed to solve quickly.
With our minds so blended, we would naturally want to ease each
other's minds, take away hurts... but we could not come to
depend on that. I could manage my desires myself just fine...
and I did, brutally calling forth the self-discipline I'd had
to use in this manner for years already. Or... was this what
the pa'drat'na meant... to do together what we'd been used to
doing alone?
We already knew the answer and did not need to speak it aloud.
A Jedi must always be able to stand alone. We could not afford
the luxury of doing everything together, for often on missions
we had to work separately. And, although rare, there were
substances and devices in the galaxy that suppressed
Force-sensing, even telepathy. We had no assurance that the
pa'drat'na was going to operate despite these.
"This will take getting used to on several levels," Qui-Gon
murmured to me, whispering into my ear.
"Don't tell me that the Healer is going to have to tell us
when we can safely have sex, Qui..." I wasn't giving up my
irritation that easily, not yet. To punctuate my words, I took
a small fold of skin on his neck into my teeth, not biting
down, just... there.
"Obi..." he groaned. We... risk... too much!
As the waves of agony rolled through us both, my teeth
released him and I finally understood. Yoda had said it - sex
between us was going to draw our minds together even deeper.
Miserably I imagined how it would be... the siren call to
mental intimacy, then this pain. Worse pain. We could not keep
from using telepathy between us. Once healed, we would rush to
increase our pa'drat'na link. And there would be no pain then,
only glory.
"How long?" I asked, hiding my face against his neck
again.
"A day... I think. We need to heal, love. Mentally, at least."
He held me for a while yet and I listened to his heart,
calming and sensing the quiet increase of his own calm. In time
we would learn that there were some things that we would
treasure doing together - this mutual calming, for instance.
Not to depend on it, but just to enjoy that we could do this in
sync with one another. We would find a balance between what we
must retain separate and what we could allow as one. And some
things would depend on the circumstance. Moreover, fitting all
this into our other relationship as Master and Padawan would be
critical as well.
Finally we realized - at the same time - that our bodies had
other, safer needs that must be attended to. Physically, we
were healed and only a little bit tired now, nothing
that would keep us from resuming something of a normal
schedule. After getting cleaned up and dressing - separately -
we decided to risk a visit to the common dining refectory in
the Temple, the one for Knights and Masters... and padawans
accompanying their masters.
When we sat down in a corner with our trays, we each took one
look at each other's plates - the refectory's standard fare for
the evening - and automatically I gave him my bleechee beans
and my sunato slice and he gave me an extra slice of baked
soyloaf and half of his gamelon pieces. Then we caught each
other's eye... and laughed, for usually this was achieved less
automatically. Usually it was "you want my...?" and "I can't
eat this, do you want...?" and "Can I have your...?" Now we
just knew.
We settled into eating, saying little, but glancing at one
another often, smiling often. There were few in the refectory
at this hour, but I caught a couple curious looks and smiles -
what did they know? That we were lovers (going to be, I
reminded myself with a personal grumble that Qui-Gon
nevertheless caught) was probably obvious, and I didn't mind.
Qui-Gon didn't seem to either.
The strange dichotomy was still operating, and we laughed at
ourselves because we couldn't avoid tasting the food we didn't
care for and had given the other. Later when we had our heads
straightened out, we'd just tune out that particular sense from
the other. We had controls to develop, that much was clear.
9)
Qui-Gon's POV, continuing...
After dinner, we headed for the practice arena. I was wary
that we would have any success with one of our usual workouts,
but Obi seemed optimistic... or else he was looking to have fun
with it. I'd already tripped several times when the odd duality
of my sensing tricked me because of the difference in our
heights. Despite what my headstrong apprentice and eager lover
thought he was going to entice me into, I thought it time I
pull rank on him for real. Our workouts were my arena as his
master.
I had to establish that this link was not going to be allowed
to defer his training in any way, no matter how close we were.
It was going to be more difficult yet after we were lovers in
fact. Best manage it at this level first. "No lightsabers," I
said firmly after we'd hung up our robes. I removed my weapon
and laid it on the shelf next to the door.
I felt him run through a series of emotions in response:
disbelief, dismay, hurt, insolence, acquiescence, acceptance,
agreement. It was incredible to sense his feelings so acutely.
I also sensed his reading me back, seeing my resolve and
concern. "Yes, Master," Obi-Wan replied softly at last,
perfectly accepting, obedient, respectful. I was relieved
beyond measure, for it was an important test of our
professional relationship. The first test - to abstain yet
again from sex - had been a very close call and I wasn't proud
of how that had gone.
When his lightsaber lay beside mine on the shelf, he joined me
in the center of the room. We exchanged the customary bows,
then I assumed the opening stance of Form 37, Set 1. Obi-Wan
looked at me peculiarly for a heartbeat - I already knew his
questions - then quickly assumed the position. Form 37 was
fairly difficult and not at all what he might have chosen even
if being cautious. But he was yielding to me easily now.
"Our minds and bodies," I began to explain, "are used to one
set of sensory input. Now we have two and we must retrain them.
For the moment we have two bodies each, but can only direct
one... and cannot be sure which is which. In order to assist
the pa'drat'na's integration, we must offer it need..." I
watched his expression closely, but he only nodded at me. The
Obi-Wan who so recently wanted to lose himself in lust with me
was gone, and I had my padawan back. "One-eighth speed," I
added and kept back a smile. He barely controlled his
relief.
No secrets... this was going to be difficult... and
wonderful.
So we began, moving very slowly to allow our minds to work on
the adjustment. There was a little stumbling and then we seemed
to get past that as our individual minds chose the more
appropriate input set more often. I could see myself learning
to separate what I was sensing from what he was sensing. As I'd
hoped, this mental stretching would assist the natural
integration of the pa'drat'na and the controls that needed to
form.
Even at one-eighth speed, we only got through the first set. I
called a halt to the exercise even though we could probably
have gone on. But the mental effort was starting to cause a
headache that I didn't want to develop. And after a week of
inactivity, it was enough to have tired us out again.
He looked at me, hoping that his efforts had been
satisfactory. Nodding, I smiled and threw an arm around his
shoulder, hugging him to me briefly. "Well done, Padawan," I
said, then kissed his sweaty temple. My actions seemed to
release a tension within him and he hugged my waist and smiled
back.
"Thank you, Master," Obi-Wan said, relief flooding through
him.
Upon our return to our quarters, I purposely sagged against
him. I wanted more than anything to be simply close to him, to
be slow and careful and gentle with him, to merely bask in his
presence. My own desires were locked away for I couldn't bear
the thought of any more pain. I was tired... and could
feel his answering weariness.
"Master," he whispered, nuzzling my face, "I want all that
too. I need to be close to you." He slipped a hand inside my
robe, placing it against my heart where the piece of his robe
was pinned inside my tunic. Had he truly only given it to me
three days ago?
I cupped his hand with mine. "Obi, my sweet, I love you so
much..." I bent my head to his lips, but did not kiss him yet.
"Things are changing between us... and more is yet to change,"
I whispered.
Obi-Wan drew his breath in a little sharply at the nearness of
my mouth. "Good change..." he murmured, looking into my eyes
like he wanted to dive into them.
I was risking a return of the sharp, heated arousal of
earlier. I straightened slowly. "Yes, good change," I whispered
back, kissing his hair instead.
When we were ready for bed, we held hands and laid down
together, facing one another. For long minutes Obi-Wan explored
my face with his gentle fingers and we rested in the wonder of
the changes that had already occurred. That we were here at all
still amazed us. That this beautiful being loved me so much
still awed me though I had known of his love for years. To
finally be able to touch him...
Then still without speaking, he settled against me. We
continued for a while to simply sense each other's mental
presence now firmly in our own minds... never to be lost.
Finally we fell asleep together, safely tucked into the
loveliest serenity I'd ever felt...
When I awoke the next morning, as is my habit I awoke all at
once. I opened my eyes and looked down at the man in my arms,
seeing him again with only my own sight. My Obi-Wan. Yet there
was the curious duality still, though only darkness came from
his side of it, his eyes still shuttered in sleep. As I gazed
at him, however, it seemed that my mind adjusted, shifting to
choose my own sensing. I found after a few moments that I could
switch back and forth.
Smiling with relief, I concentrated then on observing my
beloved. Obi-Wan, I knew, was a hard sleeper, snoring lightly
though at the moment his breathing was merely slow. I watched,
indulging in a rare pleasure. Force, so beautiful...
From his crown of light brown, padawan-cut hair, to his smooth,
unlined brow, to the high spots of color in his cheeks, to his
generous lips... I leaned in to brush those lips with my own.
He did not stir. As I felt extraordinarily clear and strong, I
sent a tendril of thought into his sleeping mind... and it did
not hurt. Beloved Obi... There was no pain in the
sending, a fact which drew forth a rush of desire in me, for
that meant that we were indeed healed and could make love. Did
he hear me or just incorporate the thought into his dreaming? I
was astonished to be able to read his level of sleeping, almost
as if I'd developed a new sense altogether in the sensing of
his mind... my pa'drat'na, so open to me.
He was dreaming, in fact, but as yet I did not look there. I
could see that we would have to make decisions together as to
what was allowed. For now I would not look in on his dreams or
memories uninvited, or even his thoughts unless they were
already open to me. Emotions seemed to be something else
altogether, for yesterday we were nakedly emoting to one
another with no conscious effort... and no way to shield as
yet. This could make things difficult, but at least we would
never have to guess again. A mixed blessing, this, to be unable
to hide one's emotions from their lover. No shields...
Obi-Wan's mouth curved into a smile and he stirred against me
a little, snuggling into my embrace deeper. I could have lain
with him like this all day, just close and warm, but I was
eager to love him. I kissed him again, still lightly. Obi...
wake up, love... I did look in to see if my telepathy to
him caused any pain, but there was none. We were healed!
Now he began to move, his lithe, muscular body warm and firm
against mine. Qui? he sent back, foggily, still rising
to consciousness. I ran my hand down his arm, over his ribs, to
his hip... but I wanted him more awake before I touched him
more.
Then his eyes flew open and straight into mine. I smiled,
loving him with my eyes, watching as he realized our condition.
Qui - it doesn't hurt to think at you! We're
healed?
Indeed, my love, and what else? I stroked his cheek,
waiting for him to discover the rest.
I could actually watch the process take place in his mind just
as it had in my own - the dual vision and touch, in moments
settling out into two. We could still share the sensing, but
had control over it now, another mark of our healing.
Yes, I replied silently as the understanding washed
through him.
Oh, Qui... he breathed into my mind, filling me with a
rush of love and need. Then he surged up to claim my mouth,
slipping his hands under my shoulders to pull me to him. I
need to love you, Qui, my beautiful, loving Qui... want to make
love to you...
The openness between us took my breath away... as did
Obi-Wan's ardent kiss. He was suddenly everywhere in my mind,
just as he was in my mouth, his thought and tongue exploring
eagerly. For a bad moment it was overwhelming. I pulled him off
my mouth hastily, paused for less than a second, then dived
into his mind as deeply as he had mine. Then it was Obi-Wan's
turn to falter. When he whimpered and hid his face in my neck,
I reassured him as I gently withdrew from his mind part
way.
Obi, darling, you see? I whispered my loving thought to
him, caressing his neck and back. We must go easy until we
are used to this. Let's get the mental over first so we can
concentrate on our loving... As I spoke, I touched his mind
again. It was nothing like touching our training bond which had
been woven with layers of shielding. I had but to enter his
mind and I was there... his emotions laid bare to me, his
memories and thoughts mine for the taking... but I would not
take those, not without asking. Indeed I now believed this
truly to be a new sense, this raw reading of emotion.
Obi-Wan was caught between hot desire and wariness... and I
sensed he was also hesitant to go against me, despite his need.
I knew exactly what was pressing against my hip.
This isn't fair! he sent, also sending tendrils of
mental touch into my mind, but far less intense than before.
I need to make love to you!
He was sensing my own physical ache for him on top of his for
me! Hastily I cooled my thoughts, continuing the mental
caressing. I need as well, Obi... come further into my mind
now. It will get easier.
Oh, Force, I felt him, felt my beloved Obi-Wan in my mind. Not
touching a link like the training bond, touching ME within the
depths of my inmost thoughts. Some sharing of thought was
inadvertent; right now I could feel his reaction to my inner
shivering at being touched so intimately. We noticed together a
curious tugging... the pa'drat'na trying to blend us deeper
together? Already we were drawn in as deep as we'd earlier
plunged in our heedless haste.
I didn't need to tell him to come in. It was already
happening. Oh, Force, your mind, Obi-Wan breathed into
me, his awe and humility sharp.
Obi-Wan, yours is something to be proud of as well, I
told him to cover my embarrassment at how impressed he was. It
was soon laughable and more and more acutely
embarrassing.
We each had a rather high opinion of the other. It was
impossible to avoid seeing that. This meant that our personal
foibles were also going to be obvious. Terrific. Fortunately we
knew each other pretty well. Where there was going to be
trouble was on those things we hadn't admitted to ourselves,
much less each other.
I love you, Qui-Gon, Obi-Wan murmured to me from within
my own mind - trying to reassure himself as much as me.
And I love you, Obi, I returned, and tipped his chin up
so I could kiss him. Now that we'd made some mental
adjustments, perhaps we could proceed with this morning's
agenda. We had more joining to do.
Obi-Wan's POV, continuing...
FORCE! I knew Qui-Gon Jinn was very far beyond me, a mere
padawan learner, in Jedi mental skill and powers, but to see it
for real from within the Master's mind... I was stunned, awed,
and even more in love with him. I'd known he always underplayed
his mental acumen on missions, not wanting to intimidate the
people we wanted to help, but there had been times when
intimidation had been the order of the day and I'd seen
things... NOW I knew where they came from.
What was even more amazing was that I had a strong potential
for the same thing... as Qui-Gon pointed out to me.
This mind blending, the deepening of the pa'drat'na was as
humbling as it was encouraging. A part of me, of course, was
supremely irritated that this mental stuff was demanding to be
met before we could attend to the physical stuff we both ached
for.
Enough of this, I thought and watched his expression
change in reaction to my thought. I want my Qui! And
with that, I pulled out of his arms and rolled over, swinging
my legs down to the floor. I did not need to see his shocked
look as I abruptly made for the refresher unit. "Be right
back," I tossed back as I left him.
But I didn't really leave him. As I hastily relieved myself
and did a quick wash in some strategic places, I still sensed
his long, lean body, knew when he slowly began to smile and
slipped off his short sleep breeches. His hands ghosted lightly
over his skin, sending a shiver through me though I was not
even in the room!
I returned, also nude, and came up to what was now our bed, my
gaze locked onto his. His eyes were fierce, deep pools of hot
indigo. Blinking, I could switch to view myself from his
vantage as he lay enticingly waiting for me. I almost stepped
back to suddenly see a matching ferocity in my own eyes, a
storm needing to crash against an equal power. Instead, I put a
knee up on the bed and merely looked down at him as he looked
up at me.
Force, but my solemn Jedi Master, my fierce, proud
warrior-prince, was a beautiful man, all long, muscular limbs,
power in his every line. Now, NOW I could finally, FINALLY!
indulge in my fantasies. And what I had fantasized most - in
those long, painful years of self-discipline when I foolishly
kept myself celibate in my waiting for him - was for this
magnificent Jedi to take me and overwhelm my senses with his
commanding physical and sexual presence.
I heard a sharp intake of breath and realized with a rush that
of course Qui-Gon Jinn had seen in my mind the rapid mental
images of my adolescent... and adult... fantasies about him.
The pa-drat-na link, strong and still growing, fairly buzzed
with the rising desires we shared...
And to my thrill and dismay, I saw the corner of Qui-Gon's
mouth quirk up in a smile...
10)
Qui-Gon's POV
It occurred to me - to my sudden and intense delight - that
Obi-Wan might possibly not understand that I had my full share
of fantasies about HIM over the years as well. Seeing how he'd
fantasized about me - warrior-prince, indeed! - I decided he
needed to have the same jolt of awareness as he'd just given me
through our simmering link.
As I recalled my own flights of fancy, I let my gaze rake over
his naked body. Obi-Wan was all gleaming sun and gold in the
slant of light coming in from the Coruscant sunrise. Compact
and powerfully muscled... his lips begging mine, the hollow of
his throat with a mere sheen of moisture already, his shoulders
as broad as mine, his body so well-formed...
And I'd formed it. I narrowed my eyes, feeling the fever build
between us. My instructions, my training had formed him, made
this body the beautiful vessel it was... but then I'd had only
the highest quality of material to work with. Somehow I'd seen,
known this body long, my imagination filling his adolescent
body out to this perfection for many years since I'd known I
was in love with him. Had I fantasized about making love to
him?
Oh, yes. He was the bright young king who dared to seduce the
placid, controlled Jedi Master, sparking hungers in me I hadn't
dared to free for years upon years. He was my strong, loyal
lieutenant always by my side, his body mine to care for and
cherish.
Obi-Wan had fantasized about me taking and overwhelming him. I
realized now with shock that my own fantasies had close
parallels. For I'd fantasized about my priceless treasure
yielding himself to me so that I could lose myself in him,
laying down the weight of my years and experiences in the safe
shelter of his body.
He knelt over me; I extended my hand to him. Pa-drat-na, my
all, I mentally whispered to him in our new bond. It
shall be so.
Obi-Wan's eyes widened. Take me, lose yourself in
me.
I drew him down then climbed over him, shifting carefully to
align my groin with him. As we felt for the first time the full
press of our naked bodies together, we simultaneously made the
same little sigh of pleasure and growing want, then had to
smile because we'd done so. I slid my hands under his back as I
lay on him, then covered his mouth with mine...
Obi-Wan's POV
I'd disappeared beneath Qui-Gon Jinn. And I could imagine
wanting nothing more than to do just that. Oh, I had no
feelings of inadequachid in the tent of his flowing hair, my senses filled with him
and filled with his sensing of me. I knew without asking that
he loved the scent of me. And he knew I loved the scent of him
as well, his subtle musk that had been hard at work on my
arousal already.
Then... THEN my brain caught up to what we were actually
doing. The awareness that I was rubbing my groin up against
his, against my darling, beloved Master's, shot an
electric jolt through me. Before I knew it, I was bucking up
into him rapidly, moaning his name, my whole being on
fire!
Maddeningly he stopped completely, pulling off my mouth,
lifting the heavy pressure from me. I shrieked. I felt, saw the
abrupt surprise on his face and I almost laughed when I'd
realized he'd vastly underestimated my energy. Not my need, for
before I could react his mouth had captured my angry, red
erection and again I disappeared, this time as the whole of my
length was engulfed. I nearly threw him off as I bucked yet
again, then thrilled as his immense hands held my hips still
against the bed.
Oh, YES! I wanted to be held down, to be restrained. Even so,
I strained to move, fighting his power, loving the feeling of
testing my own strength against his. He held firm, though his
fierce pride in me, in my own substantial power, radiated
strongly in our bond.
I shrieked again, the sound strangled as I laughed at the same
time, for I realized belatedly that he'd surprised me just as I
had him. But how was I to know that his tongue was so amazingly
skilled, drawing up my length and THERE so that in but a couple
strokes I was spending the all of my seed down his throat? I
nearly tore his hair out as I frantically grabbed for his head.
My orgasm resonated powerfully in our pa-drat-na link so that
we both shuddered equally hard in reaction and both wondered
who in fact had climaxed. Qui-Gon hadn't, I knew, but felt
every throb of my climax right there with me. He cleaned me off
with his tongue, then raised his head to look at me.
Or rather, cast The Look at me. I shivered, feeling the
electricity from that indigo, molten gaze burn through my body.
I could feel his arousal, his powerful desire setting me on
fire again. For a bad moment I felt daunted by the intensity in
that look as I realized my hope to be taken and possessed by
him was about to be fulfilled, making my fantasies pale next to
the reality.
Then he smiled and lust turned to incandescent joy for one
glorious moment before he rose back up my body and dove back
into my mouth. I heard myself whimper into his throat or was
the sound from him? I did not know for soon we were both
moaning, deepening the kiss.
Take... me... I managed to gasp into his mind.
Now...
Qui-Gon responded by disengaging from my mouth and raising his
head to look at me again. This time the heat was tempered by an
earnest concern. "I feel your sensations as my own... let me
prepare you," he whispered in a raw, husky voice I'd never
heard before. But he slid his hands under my shoulders and
continued to stare into my eyes.
Then I knew what was happening. With his incredibly delicate
control of the Force, he locked into my sensations and opened
me, stretching my entrance with precise care until I was ready
to receive him. There was no pain, just the feeling of
vulnerability as that most intimate part of my self was opened
for him. "I... I didn't know you could do that!" I gasped,
parting my legs and drawing up my knees for him.
"I can... now," my Jedi Master replied and was the corner of
his mouth beginning to curve? I then realized that our shared
sensations because of the new link were to thank for this novel
application of the Force. Clever, that.
And I was still aching to have him inside me. When I felt the
plump head of his penis at my opening - slickened only with his
pre-ejaculate - I arched my back, parting my legs further as if
I could will him to enter me. But I did not have to wait; with
one agonizingly slow thrust he entered me fully.
I... groaned, a strangled noise of heightened want that I knew
he had never heard from me. His eyes were on my face,
concerned, but I was already flooding our link with reassurance
and my desire. The feeling of him filling me... Qui-Gon gasped
then as I shared it with him... we were one, filled, filler,
both and the same. His eyes fell closed at last, and I could
see him give himself over to our duality, submitting as I did
to our blending of sensation.
Then... he began to thrust.
Qui-Gon's POV:
As I entered his body it seemed as if our souls melted into
one, and when I moved within him it was as if we were caught up
in a spiral of pure sensing, shared as one. We were one.
The sensations of two bodies were blended until we were a
single physical unit with two shared minds. Both of us felt
penetrated, both felt as if we were thrusting. It was glorious
and mind-bending all at the same time.
As I pumped into his body, I stared into his eyes, unnerved by
the dual sight. It was... bizarre to see my own sweat-slick
brow, the dazed and hungry look in my eyes, the odd little way
my mouth twitched when I thrust. To see myself as he saw
me...
Then I blinked and chose the other input, bringing my view of
him to the fore. Obi-Wan's mouth was open, and he was emitting
little grunts of pleasure as I pulsed against his prostate. His
eyes were lust-glazed orbs of molten storm-gray, like pools of
melted steel... and their heat seared me.
We were no less one in the mind. Even as we were absorbed in
each other's and our own sensing, we fed hunger and desire back
and forth along our brightly pulsing pa-drat-na link. Our
thoughts were the same: Love you, need you, want to come
in/with/over you...
Someplace along the line I adjusted my weight so that I could
balance on one hand and grasp his weeping erection with the
other. Obi-Wan surged up against me, into my fist. But he was
me as well, and his erection was mine...
I realized with a jolt that it was becoming more difficult to
separate our sensations... and at the same moment Obi-Wan
understood that as well. One of us laughed - both? At this
point, if one laughed the other was going to, too, and when I
thrust deeper it was Obi-Wan thrusting within me! The duality
was blurring into oneness as we approached our climax.
You... we uttered together in our merged mind. We
are... yes... oh, YES! And, one mind, one body, one soul,
we cascaded over into orgasm...
I do not know where our minds went after that. I only remember
knowing the sweetness of that ultimate union with my beloved
Obi-Wan and riding that crest for a very long time. Sometime a
long while later I thought - we thought - that we were going to
have to expect this every time now... and that neither of us
were going to mind in the least.
Obi-Wan's POV:
When we knelt in the garden before Grandmaster Yoda a day
later, I noted that the little gnome hardly noticed Qui-Gon,
peering at me intently. Still too content and at peace to take
offense, I merely smiled at him. "Yes, Grandmaster?" I could
feel the mirth in my lover beside me. My lover! Qui-Gon Jinn
was at last that, and the thought still made me tingle. A
sensation from which I expected never to recover.
"Found your place in the Force, have you, young Kenobi?" Yoda
chuckled, lightly tapping with his stick, a habit that said
that something pleased him deeply.
"We have found our places, yes, Grandmaster," I replied
smoothly. My hands were folded in my robe sleeves, but I still
felt the tickle of an itch to reach out and touch my
pa-drat-na. We verily hummed in the Force, I knew.
Yoda measured me with his green gaze. "Problem this is, of
course. Forever together, you will be. Privacy, have you not
any longer. Times there will be when you will disagree. Avoid
each other you may not. And of course if killed one of you
is..."
"The other dies as well," I replied solemnly. "Yes, I know
this, Grandmaster Yoda. But there are our new strengths,
too."
"Hmmm... an advantage, the pa-drat-na can be? How so, young
Padawan?" Yoda was setting me up, I could feel it.
I felt Qui-Gon's emotions adjust from calm concern to sharp
interest. Already I knew that he needed to know that I fully
understood what changes the pa-drat-na had caused in our
destiny. I resisted glancing at him and responded calmly. "Our
powers are multiplied, Grandmaster. Together we are stronger
than apart. True, our link creates a vulnerability, but also an
advantage. On a mission, one can assist the other at need,
lending life energy, mental power, even to providing a conduit
to sensing of the Force should the other lose his by injury or
exposure to a Force-dampening field."
Yoda moved his gaze over to Qui-Gon then. "Know you what
'pa-drat-na' means, Padawan?"
Qui-Gon smiled at being called so in front of me. "Actually,
no, my Master."
"The shadow-selves, it means," Yoda continued thoughtfully.
"Two beings blended so that one may serve as shadow to the
other, making the other stronger. Obi-Wan, your other self is.
When you lead in a mission, hold back he will, even to
disappearing into the background, providing you with extra eyes
and senses. Or he may lead... and you will fade away. Know this
now you do not, but invisible the other may become to the
public. The non-Force-sensitive... see the shadow self they
will not. A tremendous power this may give you."
I looked over at my master, who turned his deep blue gaze upon
me. My other self... as I was his! Indeed, I could see how it
would work. Master Qui-Gon Jinn, serving as chief negotiator
between two factions... and his "shadow-self" invisible on the
sidelines, discovering the nuances about each people that my
master would need to negotiate a sure victory. Or I would
discover a plot of subterfuge and be able to disarm rebels
before they could interfere...
And one day I would be that chief negotiator and my master, my
partner would be the one to sift through the muttered
asides, the whisperings outside the chamber doors, the chatter
in the streets...
Considering that the one out in the streets was usually the
one in the most danger, this invisibility would be exceedingly
handy... a very satisfying balance to the inevitable fate of
dying together.
Balance. It was very Jedi. I smiled. "Grandmaster Yoda, did
you know?" I did not need to explain. I knew Yoda would know
that I referred to the countless conferences between himself
and Qui-Gon, himself and me right in this very spot over the
years.
But the little green ancient wasn't about to give out all his
secrets. His ears twitched... the gimer stick went tap, tap,
tap... and his eyelid moved in what might have been a wink.
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