Spoilers: If you're on this list, you should expect them. ;-)
Summary: Obi-Wan in turmoil, sometime around Ep III/19 years or
so before Ep I
Feedback: Anything is welcome, from 'cool' to 'it sux!' I live
off responses. L
Notes: I'm not exactly sure what's going on in this piece, but
it happens sometime after Darth Vader appears. The more I think
about it, the more I believe this isn't Q/O, and Obi-dear isn't
elaborating, but it's about him so I thought I'd share it with
y'all anyways. shrug
He's dead. As I stare out the window into the depths of
space, the thought flits into my mind. It isn't mine, but it
might as well be. The woman sitting beside me appears to be in
control of herself, but I can feel the disturbance in the Force
around her. I don't dare glance at her. One of the strongest
people I've ever met, leader of her planet, and my dear friend,
is dying. Oh, physically, there is nothing wrong with her.
Emotionally... I have nothing to say to her, no words of
comfort or sympathy. I can't lie to her or promise that things
will get better. They won't.
My friend, my lover...is dead. The thoughts might as
well be mine. My friend, my lover, my Master, my Apprentice.
All dead now. Become one with the Force. Only I am left to
survive them, an existence which is far from heartfelt, to be
sure. More than walking wounded, but slightly less than dead.
Only sheer determination and responsibility keeps me alive and
that is beginning to fail me. Yet again.
Why? I long to scream out her question, but discipline
keeps me silent. No anger. No fear or hate...or love. There is
only peace. There is only the Force. But does the Force warm my
bed on cold nights? Does it wrap me in its embrace and whisper
tender endearments or comfort me when I am ill? It speaks to me
but I do not like what it has to say so I closed my ears, only
to have them forced open by recent events. I still cannot
hardly believe it...
Why?! Indeed. 'Why?' Why was I so blind? So stubborn? So
slow? If I had only run faster, my Master would not have died
and I would not have failed us all. If only I had been stronger
in my control, in my grasp of the Force, my Padawan would not
have died. If I had not been blinded, he would not have been
reborn in evil. And the woman beside me... I must not think. I
must exist. Be one with the Force. Protect what small hopes we
have, not destroy them with the past, with my wants and
needs...
I want... A Jedi does not want. He does not need. He
simply is.
...to touch you... He does not desire. There is no
desire. There is only the Force.
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