Once More, With Spt'bttr

by MJ (bonarbridgemj@yahoo.com)

Pairing: QG/OW

Category: Humor

Rating: G

Archive: Yes, please. At MA and Padders Messy Room

Warnings: There is not a serious bone in this thing.

Summary: Remember all those volcano gods? Well...

Feedback: Would be wonderful, any kind!

Disclaimer: These characters belong to George Lucas, the great and powerful. I am giving them a little fun and make no monies ever.

Note: Words between ** and ** represent telepathy.

In the distance, the Sacred Mountain rumbled.

Qui-Gon shuddered. But it wasn't the Volcano God that had him worried.

Ever since they'd arrived, the Headman's oldest daughter had been giving him the eye. And, Jedi that he was, somehow the rest was a foregone conclusion.

Looking up from his plate, Qui-Gon managed a smile and a nod toward the end of the table where Okud'spt was shoveling a platter of something obnoxious into his craw. Unfortunately, the nod also caught the eye of Sweet Spt'bttr, who ducked her head and shyly waved her spoon in his direction.

Qui-Gon groaned silently, shifting on his plump cushion. **Obi-Wan, far be it from me to prod but duty calls and you are nowhere within rescue distance!** Damn... Best to keep his eyes on his plate and study the biological wonders staring back at him.

Force knew it wasn't that she wasn't pretty. She was. But she was also very round. And very large. No doubt if she got her hands on him, he'd either suffocate under all of that tonnage or spend the rest of his time here rolling off her belly.

Neither thought was particularly attractive.

And where the hell was Obi-Wan, blast him? **Padawan! For goodness sakes...**

**Yeeeehaaaaaaa!**

Qui-Gon jumped and the bite of green mush on his spoon found a better home somewhere over his right shoulder.

"Obi-Wan, if you do that one more time, I'll probably go Force- deaf!" Damn that grin. How it managed to twirdle his gut through the link, he'd yet to figure out.

"Sorry, Master... Has she got you yet?" And the grin was unfolding at Qui-Gon's ear.

"Padawan, I know they don't teach sniggering at the Temple. And where were you?"

Obi-Wan reached toward the mountainous platter of charred meat and snagged a hefty dripper. "Well, you know that fellow that drove us here? The one with the woggly eye?"

"Yes, I do, and they've given us very big napkins, so prove something to me."

Even choking and laughing, Obi-Wan was a vision and it took a great deal of fortitude for Qui-Gon not to wrestle him under the table and to hell with the Volcano God.

But Obi-Wan merely flicked the bed-sized napkin open and tucked it up to his chin. "Yes, Master."

No contrition there. Qui-Gon sighed and nodded once more down the table. With a broad wink, the Headman flourished a fist full of yellow stalks, bit them in half and proceded to chew with great relish. Qui-Gon hoped the symbolism was all in his own head.

"What were you and woggly-eye doing, eh?" Qui-Gon picked up a tall glass of the revolting stuff someone dared to call a beverage and swallowed a good gulp. At least it cleared his sinuses.

"We were merely talking, Master. Nothing important. Would you pass the bright purple things, please?"

Qui-Gon hefted the huge bowl leftward and watched with awe as his Padawan scooped a large serving onto his plate. "I daresay you'll belch all night. What happened to moderation in all things?"

Obi-Wan directed a ladle's worth of purple pods to his mouth, shoved the last one in with his finger and smile serenely into his Master's glare.

In the distance, the Sacred Mountain rumbled.

At length, the meal was finished and with a certain amount of trepidation, Qui-Gon watched Okud'spt stand up and start to speak. If this was the fatal blow, it was right on time.

The table grew quiet as the Headman opened his mouth. "C'mupnn s'eem ees'mt i'm." Okud'spt patted his thighs and grinned round the table before rambling on.

**What's he saying, Master?**

Qui-Gon frowned. **Something about long life... a block and tackle... big feet...** A gurgle sounded from his left. **Shhh! Let's see, yes... my huge, handsome daughter... many fine babies...** Qui-Gon swallowed. **Hush! ...I bestow upon my favorite the hand, no... the belly of my daughter... Obi-Wan, serenity, please!**

Then everyone else was standing, so both Jedi followed suit.

**Here it comes, Master...**

Okud'spt waved one pudgy hand toward Sweet Spt'bttr and, with great style, flourished the other toward woggly-eye, whose grin looked likely to split his face.

Okud'spt now flung both hands high in the air. "Bd'n abutt', J'di!"

Qui-Gon wiggled one finger in his ear. **What? Wait a minute...! Woggly eye? And not me? They don't want me?! Obi-Wan, a Jedi never snickers!**

The Headman took a handful of yellow stalks and whacked the groom on top of his head. Then he turned to the Jedi and bowed. "Augi bn doggi, a lvv'l oocy, neh?"

Qui-Gon's eyes opened wide to stare at Okud'spt. "You want us to stay here... ? I mean, u w'nt nkki nakki nu?"

The Headman nodded and smiled through his big teeth.

**You heard him, Master.** Obi-Wan lightly patted Qui-Gon on the fanny. **Be a sweety.**

**So I'm not going to be sacrificed? I'm not even going to be asked to be sacrificed?**

**No, Master. Seems like we just have to hold down the fort while they traumatize the Volcano God.**

Calling upon years of Jedi strength and skill, Qui-Gon composed his face and nodded back at the Headman. "Grch'o hpp'o chee'cko, D'mmt."

Your desire is now my duty, Big One.

Then the whole damn table was yelling and laughing and jumping up and down, ready to hike it's way up the mountain for the sacrifice of Sweet Spt'bttr and the noble... the noble... whatever.

Qui-Gon frowned and watched the hysterical rabble charge up the path to the top of the volcano. How in this world could he have read things so wrong? Woggly eye? He was sure all the signs pointed to a Jedi sacrifice of some kind.

"Ummm, Master?" Obi-Wan walked his fingers slowly up the back of Qui- Gon's robe. "Now that everyone's gone, wanna wrestle?"

Qui-Gon pursed his lips. Well, it might not be a virgin sacrifice, but every single soul was on their way up the mountain and damned if that wasn't a really big table... "Best two out of three?"

"You're on!"

And without further ado, a large amount of food went flying left and right to make room for some serious gymnastics.

In the meantime, out in the deep dark of the planetary night, one large rabble crept slowly back into the thick greenery surrounding the quaint village to watch in amazed silence as the Volcano God was satisfied on the Alter of the Feast Table.

More than once.

Really quite a lot.

Probably wouldn't need another sacrifice for several generations.

And Sweet Spt'bttr and her woggly-eye learned more than enough to carry them through a long and happy life together.

Although they'd probably have a little trouble with the twirly bits...

The End.