Archive: Master-Apprentice; others, please ask first
Category: Humor/Parody
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Silliness follows, and Obi White, in true fairy tale
fashion, is incredibly naive.
Spoilers: none
Summary: Mirror Mirror on the wall, Who is the fairest Padawan
of them all?
Feedback: yes, please
Disclaimers: Qui and Obi belong to Lucasfilm, Ltd.
Acknowledgments: This is a blatant rip off of Minuet's
Fractured Fairy Tale series, and she kindly gave me permission
to go ahead with this. I thank her for the inspiration, and
thanks to Minuet and TPod for their beta!
Once upon a time there lived a beautiful young Padawan named
Xanatos. From the time of his arrival at the Jedi Temple he was
known as Xanatos Black because of his startling dark black
hair. But perhaps this nickname was unfortunate, for as he
matured some whispered behind his back that the color also
represented the nature of his soul. For Xanatos Black had a
dark side, one that he took care to hide from his master, the
legendary Qui-Gon Jinn. Qui-Gon saw only his apprentice's skill
as a student and a fighter, and did not see that Xanatos Black
was impatient, overly proud, and quite vain.
And, once Xanatos Black had become an adult, Qui-Gon had also
been unable to see his apprentice as a potential lover. But,
sure of his own desirability, Xanatos Black had no doubt that
that day would come.
And then so would his master.
Xanatos Black's vanity was fed by his most precious possession,
a magic mirror that he had purchased off-world at a seedy black
market operation run by a Hutt. (Actually, he got it for a song
on eBay, but thought the black market story was more
glamorous.) This mirror not only reflected Xanatos Black's
beauty back to the narcissistic young man, it also told him of
his pulchritude in verse when Xanatos Black would ask questions
such as:
"Mirror Mirror on the wall Who's the loveliest Padawan of them
all?" Or
"Mirror Mirror made of glass Which Padawan has the most
luscious ass?" Or
"Mirror Mirror with frame of rock Which Padawan has the longest
..."
Well, you get the idea.
Every day the mirror faithfully responded:
*Among the Jedi, Hearty and Hale You're the Padawan they most
want to nail!*
Then one morning the unthinkable happened. Xanatos Black went
before the mirror and asked,
"Mirror Mirror, long and flat Which Padawan's butt do they all
want to pat?"
*The truth I must speak, and please remain calm Beauteous Obi
White has the cheeks they all wish to palm*
"Obi White!" Xanatos Black shrieked. "That little twit?
For Xanatos Black knew of Obi White, but he had never
considered the namby-pamby little do-gooder to be much
competition. From the time he had arrived at the Jedi Temple,
he'd been known as "Obi White" because of the white blond color
of his hair at the time. While it had now darkened to a reddish
gold color, the name had stuck because of the goodness and
purity of the young man's character
Now that the thought of it, Xanatos Black realized with horror,
the snotty kid had grown up into an uncommonly pretty young man
and was a more than competent student of the Jedi arts. Xanatos
Black even recalled hearing some rumors that his own master
should Obi White as an apprentice, and drop Xanatos Black.
"I will NOT allow this to happen!!!" seethed the furious
Xanatos Black, his heart filling with rage. "I will DESTROY Obi
White! I will BREAK him like a twig! I will ERASE all trace of
his existence! I will ...." He paused, thought for a moment,
and looked back at the mirror.
"You're sure this isn't just because I'm having a bad hair
day?" he asked quizzically.
*Nope, sorry. While your hair's rather flat, and could use a
good tease Tis Fair Obi's mouth that the Jedi most want to
please*
"Just thought I'd check," Xanatos Black said, shrugging, before
leaving to rid the Temple of his rival.
Later that day, unaware that any of this had happened, Obi
White sat in the garden meditating. Well, he should have been
meditating, but instead he was sitting and wishing once more
that someone would take him as their Padawan. Obi White was
well past the age when Padawans were normally chosen, but
because he was such a favorite with all at the Temple, no one
had had the heart to make him leave. For the past several
years, the various masters had taken turns teaching him,
calling him their pet Padawan.
Obi White sighed. The masters were really so kind. He knew it
must be a hardship to take time out of their busy schedules to
teach someone as unworthy as he. Yet it seemed whenever he
turned around, a master would be there, offering to help him
with his training. In the class room, in the library, in the
gymnasium, lately even in the gymnasium's shower --- although
Obi White wasn't quite sure what offers to wash his back had to
do with the Force.
Still, it wasn't the same as having a master of his very own.
He looked up when a shadow crossed his face, and saw a man had
walked up and stood next to him. Well, he thought it was a man,
but it was hard to tell, as the man/woman's face was covered
with a metal mask of some kind. Some might have thought this
odd, but the kind hearted Obi White immediately surmised that
the man/woman had had something happen to his/her face. He
wondered if it was acne. Obi White immediately empathized,
having once endured an entire week with a pimple marring the
perfection of his own face.
"Hello, my name is Obi White. How may I help you?"
"My name is Boba Fett," said the stranger. Obi White noticed
the other man, for his gender was established with his voice,
was fingering his weapon. "Poor dear, he must be nervous," Obi
White thought.
"I was just walking in the woods and saw a baby bird who had
fallen out of its nest, and had broken its wing. I wasn't sure
what to do, so I came to ask the Jedi. You were recommended as
someone who could help the poor creature."
Obi White, well known for his love of small woodland creatures,
was instantly alarmed. "Of course, I'll come with you Mr.
Fett," he said as he rose and started to leave the garden. He
paused when he noticed that Boba Fett had not moved. "Aren't
you coming? I need you to show me where to find the poor bird."
"Let me get this straight," Boba Fett said. "A total stranger
asks you to go miles out of your way to help a baby bird, and
you just jump up and go help?"
"But, of course," Obi White said sincerely.
Boba Fett shrugged, and put his gun away, and started to lead
the handsome young man out to the woods to meet his fate. He'd
been sure that Xanatos Black had exaggerated the other man's
gullibility and that he'd have to force him out of the temple
by gunpoint. This guy was too good to be true. And he was soon
going to be dead, the bounty hunter thought grimly.
However, by the time Boba Fett and Obi White were deep in the
forest, Fett knew there was no way he could harm the adorable
Jedi. Despite his genuine concern over the mythical bird, Obi
White had taken the time to share several acne remedies with
Boba Fett - Boba had never thought of using oatmeal as a facial
scrub. Soon the hard bounty hunter, um, the *hardened* bounty
hunter had fallen under the spell of kindness that Obi White
wove where ever he went.
Nonetheless, he knew that he could not allow young Obi White to
return to the temple. Xanatos Black had promised that dire
things would befall Boba Fett if he failed in his mission, and
he also knew that someone as trusting as Obi White would never
be safe around Xanatos Black.
Boba Fett soon came up with a plan. After spending several
hours watching Obi White walk around in circles, two things
were clear. First, the young man had an ass that would tempt a
saint. Second, Obi White had a terrible sense of direction, and
on his own would never be able to find his way out of the woods
and back to the Jedi Temple.
He wasn't sure just how he could get away from Obi White, when
inspiration struck. He suggested a game of hide and seek to
break the monotony of their "search." Obi White clapped his
hands with delight. He loved games, and the masters often used
them in his training. Their current favorite, "Who am I?"
involved blind folding Obi White and having him use his hands
and the living force to determine which master was which.
Obi White covered his eyes. Boba Fett took one last longing
look at that pert little butt, and ran off. He later bought a
hank of hair from a passing wookie, braided it and presented it
to Xanatos Black, saying it was Obi White's. Xanatos Black
accepted this as proof of the death of his rival.
Obi White in the meantime, had searched frantically for his new
friend, finally giving up as night fell in the forest. Although
he was frightened, his own good nature kept him from giving
into despair. Tomorrow he would find someone to help him.
People were *always* offering to help him.
The next morning, Obi White woke and began to walk around the
forest and look for help. At last he came to a clearing, where
he saw a small cottage. He cautiously approached it and knocked
on the door. When there was no answer, he opened the door and
called out a greeting. As there was still no response, Obi
White entered the cottage, having to lower his head as he did
so. The cottage was obviously made for someone very small,
although the ceilings were a normal height.
Obi White looked about the cottage with interest. On one side
there was a large room, furnished primarily with plush carpet
and lots of colorful throw pillows. On the other was a kitchen.
Since he was rather hungry, Obi White went there first, and
seeing a loaf of bread on the table sat down to eat.
The table was set with seven tiny plates, with matching
silverware and mugs.
Obi White wondered who lived in the cottage, and having
finished his meal, decided to repay his absent hosts by fixing
a meal. He had just finished when he heard a tapping sound, and
a voice singing out, "Hi ho, Hi ho!...." The door opened, and
Obi White saw a tiny little man staring back.
"Master Yoda" Obi White said uncertainly. "What are you doing
here?"
"What am I doing here? My retreat this is. What are you doing
here, Obi White?"
Obi White poured out his tale of woe to Master Yoda, while the
Jedi master poured out some wine for the lovely young Padawan
wannabe. Obi White finished and waited expectantly for the
master to speak.
A few minutes passed and then Yoda said, "This has gone too
long. A master you need, and a master you will have." To
himself, he thought, "The boy needs a keeper, he does. And if
he's taken, maybe the Jedi Council can get some work done. Too
old, am I, to have to track them down in the gymnasium shower
trying to use the Force to get the boy to drop his soap."
"Oh, thank you, Master Yoda! Does this mean we'll be returning
to the Temple?"
"No, stay here you will. Your new master will come to you.
Prepare you I shall."
"Thank you, Master Yoda. Ummm, Master Yoda, may I ask you
something? You say this is your retreat. Why are there seven
place settings? Do you have roommates?"
"No, but it is a place for privacy and friends who will come
over tonight. Prying eyes, there are, at the Temple, if you
know what I mean?"
Obi White looked confused for a moment, and then his face
cleared. "Of course, Master Yoda. This is where you hold
weekend seminars and workshops. Just last month, I heard Master
Windu talking with Ki-Adi-Mundi about a group of knights who
went to some kind of meeting outside the Temple. He seemed very
impressed with one of the knights. I believe he said he'd never
seen a light saber that large, and that the knight really knew
how to use it. I naturally assumed that he'd attended some kind
of seminar on sparring."
"When I'm a knight, I want a really large light saber, Master
Yoda! One that really throbs and pulsates! And, I'll show it
off to anyone who wants to see it!" Obi White declared happily.
The wise old master sighed deeply, "I better go make a few
calls. Tonight's *seminar* canceled will be. Explain some
things to you, it seems I must."
As Master Yoda walked off mumbling something about whether it
was too late to cancel that case of lube he'd ordered, but Obi
White really wasn't paying any attention. He'd just noticed
that the Jedi Master was wearing five inch heels.
The following day back at the Temple, Xanatos Black was making
an intimate little dinner for his master. He'd chosen the menu
carefully, hoping his master would pick up on the hint that
Xanatos Black would like a more intimate relationship: kielbasa
sausages, corn on the cob, dill pickles, and, for dessert,
chocolate covered bananas.
Qui-Gon Jinn soon entered the room, and Xanatos Black rose to
greet him.
"Master Qui-Gon. I've fixed dinner for you. I hope you're
hungry. I've certainly got something here I'd like you to wrap
your mouth around."
"Not now, Xanatos Black," Qui-Gon said solemnly. "I'm afraid we
must talk. I've just spoken to several members of the council,
and I'm afraid that you've been expelled from the order."
"Expelled from the order! But, I've done nothing wrong,"
Xanatos Black proclaimed loudly.
"Don't lie to me, Xanatos Black. The council and I were willing
to overlook your more minor transgressions. The overdue library
books, the parking fines, the time you short sheeted Master
Yoda's bed - although, now that I think of it, he didn't notice
that for over a week. But we can't ignore this."
Qui-Gon held out a receipt that noted a large payment to Boba
Fett from Xanatos Black for "Luring that little goody two shoes
Obi White out into the woods and killing him in some
particularly gruesome way. Dressing him up first as a pleasure
slave discretionary."
Xanatos Black realized the futility of lying to his master, so
he tried to look contrite. Qui-Gon said sadly, "Why did you do
it, Xanatos Black? Why did you wish to harm Obi White? He's
such a nice young man. He's studious, respectful of his elders,
punctual, patriotic, and he has lovely eyes, a tight little
ass, a pouty red mouth that could entice the most stalwart Jedi
to the dark side...
Xanatos Black gave his master a knowing look. Qui-Gon paused,
and then continued, "Yes, well, now I understand. But, why in
the name of the Sith did you make out a receipt?"
"Tax purposes, Master. You always taught me to keep complete
records of all expenditures. You said sloppy record keeping is
indicative of sloth. And sloth leads to idleness, idleness
leads to temptation, temptation leads to..."
"That's enough, Xanatos Black. I get it. I'm sorry, but I have
no choice. You must pack your bags and leave."
"But, Master," Xanatos Black whined. "Can't we sit down and
talk this over? Are you sure you wouldn't like an appetizer?
Here, try a cocktail weenie."
"No. It is over, my former apprentice. And, I have no time for
food. I've got to go out to Master Yoda's retreat. He wants me
to consider taking Obi White as my apprentice, even though I've
told him that I have no wish to take on another after my
failure with you." Seeing the shock on his former Padawan's
face, Qui-Gon nodded and said, "Yes, Xanatos Black. You failed.
Obi White lives."
Qui-Gon left, but not before grabbing a couple of thick, warm,
buttery bread sticks off of the table to eat on the road. An
enraged Xanatos Black ran to his magic mirror to learn if what
his master had said was true.
"Mirror Mirror, an answer you must give Does my rival Obi White
still live?"
And the mirror responded:
*Yes, in a cabin small, near fields of clover Fair Obi White is
still the one most want to bend over!*
Xanatos clenched his fists. "I just can't believe this!"
*Believe it - Obi's demeanor's so pure, yet so full of pluck!
One can't help but wonder, what he'd be like to...*
"Alright, already!" Xanatos Black screamed. "I get it, I get
it! Everyone wants him! Well, they're not going to have him,
particularly not my master. I guess if I want this job done
right, I'm going to have to do it myself."
Inspiration suddenly struck, and Xanatos Black grabbed a couple
corn dogs off of the dinner table, and ran out of the room.
Xanatos Black had once been invited to a "seminar" at the
retreat, and had learned of a shortcut, and was thus able to
get to the small cottage ahead of his master. He pulled the
hood of his Jedi robe up over his head and stooped over before
knocking. Obi White opened the door, and said, "Hello, how may
I help you?"
In a feeble voice, Xanatos Black answered. "Hello, I'm trying
to raise money to send the Jedi Academy Marching Band to the
Intergalactic finals at Theed. Would you like to buy a magazine
subscription?"
"No thank you," Obi White said politely. "I already have
subscriptions to "Sport's Illustrated," "Field and Stream," and
"Cosmo," and those are the only magazines I read."
"Then, how about buying," Xanatos reached into the cloak and
pulled out "a corn dog? It's for a good cause."
"Well, I am rather hungry. Master Yoda wouldn't let me have any
supper. But, I'm afraid I don't have any money with me."
"For you, my pretty boy, I'll accept a promise of future
payment."
Xanatos Black's eyes gleamed as Obi White took the corn dog,
for he had dipped the inoffensive looking wiener in a deadly
poison. Xanatos Black watched as Obi White opened his lovely
mouth, and licked his lips with his luscious pink tongue in
anticipation of his treat, and then blew on the corn dog gently
to cool it down.
Xanatos Black gulped. He might have been evil, and cold of
heart, but even he occasionally had to admit the truth. The
mirror hadn't lied. This guy was *hot.*
It was a shame he had to die.
But, just as Obi White was about to take a bite out of the
deadly dog, something struck at it and it was flung across the
grass.
"Told you, I did," Master Yoda cried, wielding his cane like a
saber. "No food before your performance! At your peak, you must
be if Master Jinn is to take you as his Padawan learner. Now go
back in. Practice you will!"
"And you," Yoda turned to Xanatos Black. "I don't know what
you're trying to pull, but the Jedi Academy Marching Band isn't
going to the Intergalactic Finals. Lost in the regional to the
Tatooine School of Technology Marching Jawas, they did. Now
leave!"
Xanatos Black turned to leave, but he vowed to return and
finish the job he started. And to use that peephole in the
gymnasium shower next time Obi White was there.
Sometime later Qui-Gon arrived at the cottage, determined not
to give into Yoda's demand that he take Obi White as a Padawan.
He knocked on the door, but there was no answer, so he went
inside, bending down as he entered the dwelling. He called for
Master Yoda, but again received no answer. Assuming that Yoda
and Obi White had gone out, Qui-Gon sat down on some of the
throw pillows, deciding to make himself comfortable.
It was then that he noticed a silk scarf lying on the floor
next to him. He picked it up. There was something special about
this scarf. It gave off some kind of *aura,* Qui-Gon thought.
He brought it to his nose, and inhaled a rich, spicy scent. The
Jedi master saw another scarf lying a little further off, and
he went to retrieve it. He saw another.
By the time Qui-Gon reached the door of room in the back of the
cottage, he had picked up six scarfs, all drenched with the
same alluring smell and mystique. He pushed open the door.
There, lying fast asleep was Obi White. He was apparently naked
with the exception of a seventh scarf draped artfully over his
lap. Qui-Gon had never seen anything so lovely. Jinn had to
know if he was real or an apparition, and he leaned over to
give the young man a gentle kiss on the lips.
Obi White awoke with a start. "Oh dear, Master Jinn. I seem to
have fallen asleep. Master Yoda wants me to perform the Kata of
the Seven Scarfs for you tonight, and I find it quite tiring."
"Drat it all," Obi White went on unhappily. "I've messed
everything up. Now you'll never take me as your Padawan
learner."
"No, you're wrong, Obi White. I *will* take you. Uh, I mean as
my Padawan, of course."
And the two Jedi left the cottage and returned to the Jedi
Temple, where they lived happily ever after.
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