Series: The 4th in 'Night's Secret, Knight's Shame'
Warnings: 1. Due to recent (ongoing?) discussion I feel I must
warn that this story contains A/O. If you don't like
Anakin/Obi-Wan slash, your delete button is there for a reason
2. This story contains some slightly non-con elements. Think
dysfunctional relationship. 3. This story follows canon. You
know that thing that didn't happen? Well, it happened.
Summery: Takes place about 15 years after TPM. Short. I think
the header's longer than the fic itself. Obi-Wan meditates.
Disclaimer: Pop Quiz: Who owns Star Wars? (hint: not me) A:
George Lucas. And do you really think I could make any money
off of this?
Feedback: Someone's still with me? By all means let me know.
Any and all forms of feedback are appreciated greatly.
Notes: As usual, thanks go out to Master Falcona and Boots.
I've been raped by my Padawan. No, he's not my Padawan. He's
not anyone's anything. Anakin has always been his own person.
Ironic, really. He was a slave for the first nine years of his
life. So now he belongs to no man.
I'm avoiding. I've been raped. Or was I? Was some part of me,
somewhere deep inside wanting what happened? Wanting Anakin?
Perhaps if I had fought a bit harder...
No. I was raped. I did not give consent, nor did he even ask
it. It was forced. I did not want it, did not desire it, did
not will it. Yet I felt pleasure.
Pleasure that was also forced, was no more than an involuntary
bodily reaction. I was hurt more than I was pleasured.
I reach down my sides, searching for the bruises I know must be
there. There are none. He healed them. Why?
This is useless. I should not focus on the questions I cannot
hope to answer, but those I can. Like what is going to happen
now. 'Things will continue as they have.' That is truer than it
first appears. Anakin is who allows this relationship, is it
such a big step for him to change it? I must continue as I
have. I will train Anakin.
I will continue to live as I have, taking each day, each hour,
each night as it comes. For dwelling on the future or the past
will only bring me pain.
I do have a choice. I could go to the Council. What I told
Anakin was true, I would be killed, but not dishonored. Qui-Gon
is dead. He is safe, why worry about his honor? It was
important to him. But not as important as doing what he thought
was right. The truth would tarnish his reputation, his name,
but it would not touch his soul.
Oh, how easy it would be to do this. He would not begrudge me.
Tell the Council, then all my worries are over. I would be with
Qui-Gon. Anakin would be given to someone else. But I know him
better than most people, and I know he would not stay. He would
never stay with a new Master. He would never accept being
'given' to someone else, no matter how it was meant. And
perhaps more importantly, he would never allow me to win.
If Anakin were to leave, I have no doubts that he would
eventually turn. And having turned, I have no doubts that he
could destroy the Republic, destroy peace, even destroy the
Jedi themselves. Yes, I truly believe that he is that powerful.
Sometimes I wonder if anything can prevent that fate. Some
times I wonder if perhaps I am completely wrong, and that
Anakin will become a great Jedi Knight. Most of the time,
however, I simply do not wonder at all, but instead look at
Anakin as a person. As a man who is burdened with great power
and a prophesy he did not choose. A man who was once a little
boy who loved to fly.
What will this day bring? What will this night? Pointless
questions. No one can know. Except perhaps for Anakin. All I
know is that I must be here with him. What ever it takes.
He can have my body. He will have my body. But I will never
surrender my heart nor my soul. I cannot. For they are not mine
to give. They were given long ago, and cannot be ungiven nor
regiven.
I've been raped by my Padawan. But I gave Qui-Gon my word. I
will train Anakin.
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