Many thanks to my betas: Mercutio, Marcelle, Suzan, SSPND and
Anne
Disclaimer: Mr. Lucas owns everything. I own nothing. But I'm
grateful to get to play with his toys even if he doesn't know
about it and wouldn't approve.
Notes: All of those wonderful Virgin Sacrifice stories clogged
my brain until I had to write one myself. This doesn't have the
sacrifice part, but it does have the virgin. <g>
Qui-Gon let the Force pass through him, soothing him, centering
him. It was 25 years tonight, and this year he was home for the
anniversary, not that it mattered. Even after all this time,
remembering still brought enough pain to shock him. He reached
out, finding comfort in the Force and the drift of memory. Time
to heed the call, to speak of his true feelings, to overlay
tonight's memories with new ones.
Yes, at last he understood what he had been feeling these past
few restless days. His Padawan was nearly ready for his trials
and well past childhood. Perhaps he should wait until the
Knighting, but he'd waited before in his life, and while that
had been the only option and correct, now he was prompted to
act, to allow the emotions between himself and Obi-Wan to
flower fully. It was the will of the Force.
Do it now, he ordered himself, still uneasy about Obi-Wan's
reaction to what he would have to reveal. "Obi-Wan?"
"Yes, Master?" his Padawan asked, looking up from the holo vid
game he'd been engrossed in.
"I'd like to talk to you about something important." Qui-Gon
rose from his desk, and moved toward the sofa where Obi-Wan was
sprawled.
Obligingly, Obi-Wan sat up, his eyes apprehensive, almost
unsure. "Is something wrong, Master?"
"No. Not wrong. Not exactly." That was an intelligent start.
Now, Obi-Wan looked more concerned. "Master?"
"I..." He paused to take a breath and gather his scattered
thoughts and found himself surprisingly reluctant to speak. Of
course, he'd never spoken to anyone as he was about to do with
Obi-Wan, not on such a deeply personal level. A shiver
twittered down his spine. A lifetime speaking to people, of
saying difficult things and having people accept them, should
serve him better than this. "I know of your feelings for me..."
Obi-Wan's eyes widened in surprise. He opened his mouth, then
closed it again and lowered his head. When Obi-Wan spoke,
regret colored his tone. "I'm very sorry, Master. I'd hoped I'd
hidden it better than that."
Qui-Gon sighed, feeling the echo of Obi-Wan's distress through
their bond. Trying to send a pulse of reassurance, he was
blocked by Obi-Wan's shields. "No. You misunderstand. It's all
right."
"I know. It's to be expected. Padawans always fall in love with
their Masters." Obi-Wan smiled with false brightness. "And then
they fall out again."
Putting hand on Obi-Wan's shoulder, he tried again. "Some do.
But you didn't. That's fine. We can deal with it."
Horror bled across Obi-Wan's face, and he slipped off the sofa
to kneel before him. "Master, please. I know I've slipped, but
I promise I'll try to control it better." The panic in
Obi-Wan's tone broke his heart.
"No. Padawan. Listen to me. You don't need to hide it."
The change of expression on Obi-Wan's face was nearly comical,
his eyes went wide and suspicious. "I don't? Why not?"
"I was getting to that." Qui-Gon took a deep breath and met
suspicious eyes, trying to convey the depth of his feelings
through the contact. "Because your feelings are returned."
Qui-Gon wasn't sure what he'd expected. Delight, happiness
maybe, at the very least some form of pleasure, but Obi-Wan
looked at him, his face even more doubtful. "Out of the blue?
What did I miss?"
Hardly out of the blue, Qui-Gon had known of his feelings and
of Obi-Wan's for some time. "No. I felt it was time to speak."
Folding his arms over his chest, Obi-Wan looked up at him.
"Just like that? I'm not sure I understand."
"What is there to not understand? I love you." By the Force,
how wonderful it felt to say the words out loud.
"And I love you. I have for some time, and that's it -- you've
obviously known for some time too. Why now?"
"Why not?" Qui-Gon shrugged. Trust Obi-Wan to make this more
complicated than it already was. What did his Padawan expect,
for him to change his mind?
"Well, nothing happened. There haven't been any brushes with
death, no horrible assignments, I haven't hurt myself, you
haven't hurt yourself. Nothing. Why now?"
"What have you been reading? I've realized that the time is
right for this." Qui-Gon put his hand on Obi-Wan's, squeezing
gently. "Why are you so worried?"
Obi-Wan turned his hand up to interlock their fingers together.
"With no warning, I have everything I've ever wanted handed to
me. Forgive me if I'm a little taken back by it."
"Have you had so little that you want in your life, my
Padawan?" Qui-Gon wondered what he had missed that he'd get
this reaction from giving the young man what he'd most desired.
And could think of nothing that he hadn't given Obi-Wan, indeed
he often thought himself too indulgent a Master.
"No, Master. It's that I have wanted you for so long. This,"
Obi-Wan moved his other hand through the air encompassing them
both, "is something I never thought to have."
Best get the rest of it over with as well. "It may not be
everything you want. I'm not such a bargain."
"You love me?"
The second time was much easier than the first. "Yes."
"I love you." Obi-Wan grinned, an eager sexy grin and kissed
the back of Qui-Gon's hand before releasing it. The simple
touch thrilled Qui-Gon.
"And we're going to start a sexual relationship in the next few
minutes?" Obi-Wan's eyes glittered with hope.
Anticipation raced through him. There was nothing he wanted
more than to say yes, and pull Obi-Wan into his arms, but...
"I'd like to, but there is one problem I feel I should mention
before we go any further. Not really a problem, more of a
complication."
Obi-Wan cleared his throat. "Um... what sort of complication?"
He wasn't embarrassed about it. Not exactly. It was just a fact
of his circumstances, nothing really he could have done about
it. "I don't have any experience at this."
"At love?" A too knowing look entered Obi-Wan's eyes, as if
this were something he could understand and share.
Unfortunately, that wasn't the problem. "At sex."
It took a second for the meaning to sink in. "You're a virgin?"
The words were choked with shock, and Obi-Wan's eyes widened
perceptibly. He shook his head as if he didn't believe what
he'd heard.
And Qui-Gon could understand his problem. It wasn't something
one would expect of a man as old as he was. "It is true,
Obi-Wan."
"I don't doubt you. But how?"
He tried to give Obi-Wan an inscrutable look, but with a smile
tugging at his lips, the effect was ruined. "What do you mean,
how? I would think it's fairly obvious how."
"Bad choice of words. I mean, how does a man as sophisticated
and worldly as you are manage to remain a virgin, especially at
your age."
It wasn't as hard as Obi-Wan clearly wanted to believe. He
shrugged. "A lot of factors played into it."
"But don't you want to? How could anyone not want to?"
"It's more than wanting to have sex. It's complicated." His
eyes met Obi-Wan's, trying to convey his peace with himself.
He'd made the choices he'd made, and lived with them for a long
time.
"Will you tell me?"
Qui-Gon nodded. "It's rather a sad tale." More than sad,
devastating, and he hoped he could get through it.
Taking a deep breath, Qui-Gon centered himself in the Force and
called up the memories from his past. "When I was seventeen, I
was an intense young man, passionate in my belief in rightness
of what I was doing and in the living Force. I wasn't the sort
to indulge in the casual liaisons as most of my friends and
year-mates did. I simply was not interested in those types of
encounters, even with dear friends."
He saw an image of himself in his mind. Tall, slender, and
intense. He'd turned down all offers of casual sex as kindly as
he could. Just not interested.
"I can imagine."
"Yes. My Master and I led a delegation to Alleghenia. Do you
remember the Alleghenian treaty?"
"Always a lesson, Master?' Obi-Wan smiled. "Alleghenia is a
mineral rich planet that applied for and was granted entry into
the Republic about thirty years ago."
"Correct." Qui-Gon smiled back. Obi-Wan was ever the diligent
student. "Another Master, Ja'elle and her Padawan accompanied
my Master and me. To make a long story much shorter. I fell
deeply and completely in love with Ja'elle, and her with me.
She was thirty-four."
She came to his mind easily, tall for a human woman, but not
nearly as tall as he was, dark hair, a lush mouth, but it
wasn't so much her looks that attracted him. It was the deep
serenity of her mind and heart. She was Jedi to the core. And
he admired her as much as he loved her.
"Because of the difference in our status and ages, Ja'elle
decided we should wait until I was Knighted before becoming
involved sexually. It seemed like an eternity to me then."
"What did you think of that? About waiting, I mean?"
"She was the adult and a Master. I had little choice but to
obey. We spent what time we had together, always in public,
lest we be too tempted. I remember sitting together in the
garden for hours, talking of any subject that came to mind. We
would walk the halls of the temple holding hands." His voice
was hushed, remembering the touch of her smaller hand in his.
The long conversations that lasted until dawn. The laughter
they shared. "A very strong bond grew between us."
"A bond? I thought bonds of any kind had to be initiated. How?"
"I was never certain, probably due to the intensity of our
feelings for each other. In any case, about the time I was
nearing my trials, Ja'elle was sent on a mission, a very
dangerous mission..." Qui-Gon closed his eyes for a moment,
fighting back the sting.
"I don't need the details, Master. You don't have to go on."
Soft-hearted Obi-Wan. It was one of the many things he loved
about his Padawan. "I do. I have to say it. She was captured,
brutalized and then murdered. I felt it all through the bond we
shared." Qui-Gon took a breath. A few tears escaped his best
efforts to contain them and he wiped his eyes. "I still
sometimes have nightmares about it."
Obi-Wan put a hand on Qui-Gon's arm, and squeezed comfortingly.
Qui-Gon patted Obi-Wan's hand, wishing he could wrap himself in
his arms, but the tale wasn't complete yet.
"I went on, because it was my duty to do so and I believed that
was what she would have wanted. But it took me years to recover
from the trauma. And then more years before I could consider
another relationship. By that point, I was in my mid-thirties,
I had a Padawan and no time to pursue a relationship. And I
could not accept a casual tryst. It is not in my nature."
"I expect not. I... I guess you realize that my feelings for
you are hardly casual."
He smiled. Yes. Without a doubt, Obi-Wan's feelings were very
far from casual. "I did know that. I would not be suggesting a
relationship were that not true. I had thought to wait to speak
to you, but I have felt more and more that the time to speak is
now."
"But why now? Not that I'm complaining. I've loved you for
years and years."
"You are within a year of your Knighthood, your training is
nearly done. I am being selfish. I should wait, but I find that
I cannot."
Another smile, this one of invitation. "Don't you think you've
waited long enough?"
"I expect I'm quite ready to move things along. But are you
sure you wish to take on a lover with no experience?"
A smile quirked on Obi-Wan's lips. "Define no experience. That
can cover a lot of ground."
That was easy enough. "None."
One red-gold eyebrow rose in question. "None? How is that
possible? A virgin is one thing, complete inexperience is
another. Surely you've been kissed?"
And he returned the wry smile. "Twice."
"Twice?" Obi-Wan's voice rose a notch and he blushed.
Qui-Gon laughed, perfectly at ease with himself. "Once when
Ja'elle left on that last mission. I begged a kiss from her."
It had been a very long slow kiss and Qui-Gon could still
remember the taste of her mouth and the smell of her hair. The
feel of her hands on his face and then on his body. It had been
a kiss to last a lifetime. And it had.
"And the second."
"Do you remember the diplomatic mission to Islamerada?"
"The island world when I was fifteen?"
"The diplomatic attache cornered me after the negotiations ..."
Qui-Gon shrugged. It had been so meaningless, so lacking in
warmth or emotion, serving only to convince him further that
he'd made the right decision about not pursing casual
encounters.
Obi-Wan shifted closer on the sofa, his hand sliding very
slowly along Qui-Gon's beard. "Kisses should be given freely.
I'd like to do that now."
Leaning into the hand, Qui-Gon smiled. There was nothing,
nothing in the world that he wanted more. "I'd like that. Very
much."
The first tentative touch of Obi-Wan's mouth against his had a
sweetness he hadn't expected. A second touch was less hesitant,
pressing harder, Obi-Wan's other hand slid into his hair,
pulling out the band that held it, and drawing him closer.
Pulling back slightly, Obi-Wan did not let go of his face.
"Open your mouth," Obi-Wan whispered, leaning in again.
He did as he was instructed, parting his lips and to allow
Obi-Wan's tongue to enter his mouth. Pure pleasure exploded
through him, and his stomach squeezed tight. A deep moan came
up from his chest. Qui-Gon's heart nearly broke at the
sweetness, so perfect that it bordered on painful.
As Obi-Wan pulled back, Qui-Gon opened his eyes and smiled at
him. "Beautiful."
"It becomes more so, my Master. Obi-Wan brushed his lips over
Qui-Gon's again.
The incongruity of using his title in this situation made him
laugh. "I'm not the Master here. Perhaps I should call you
that?"
Clearly, his Padawan had had more varied experiences than he'd
realized. Qui-Gon smiled knowingly. "I hadn't meant it that
way."
"Of course not," and then Obi-Wan seemed to understand what it
implied, "you knew what..."
"What you were blushing about? Obi-Wan, I'm nearly fifty, I am
hardly an innocent. Inexperienced, to be sure, but I'm not
unsophisticated in most matters. And we were talking about
remedying the inexperience."
"Are you saying we should get back to it?" Obi-Wan leaned in,
capturing Qui-Gon's mouth again before he could respond.
When the kiss ended, they were both breathless. "This is going
to work better if we find a flat surface, preferably a soft
one."
"That would make sense. Shall we use my bed? It's bigger."
Standing, Qui-Gon pulled Obi-Wan to his feet, and wrapped his
arms around his beloved Padawan. Holding Obi-Wan close, he
nuzzled his neck, moving his hands over the broad back and
round buttocks, exploring the firm musculature.
Qui-Gon leaned in for another slow kiss, and then pretended to
pout when Obi-Wan pulled back. "I was enjoying myself."
"It gets better. Much, much better."
"So you keep telling me." He liked what he'd been doing.
Running his hand across Obi-Wan's back, Qui-Gon tried to pull
him back into the embrace, hoping to do more of it.
But Obi-Wan was having none of it. "Bedroom?"
Qui-Gon nodded and held out his hand.
Obi-Wan took it and led him into his bedroom, the huge bed
looming against one wall.
They stood in front of it, both breathing hard. Excitement,
anticipation, and something else that remained elusive, all
flowed through Qui-Gon at once. He wasn't exactly nervous,
perhaps a bit anxious, but he had no fear of what was to
happen. Obi-Wan loved him, and he knew very well that his
Padawan had enough experience for both of them.
Obi-Wan put a hand on his neck and pulled him down for another
slow kiss. Surrendering to the pleasure of Obi-Wan's mouth, he
pushed at the tunic his Padawan wore, working the belt with one
hand until it came loose and fell to the floor, leaving the
broad chest bare for his fingers. He ran his fingers tips along
the firm contours, soft skin and crisp hair, enjoying the
contrasts. Obi-Wan groaned as he brushed across a pebbled
nipple.
Reaching out, Obi-Wan stripped him of his robe and the rest of
his clothes with quiet efficiency, Obi-Wan held him still with
both hands on his shoulders. He stood naked under the hot gaze,
feeling neither embarrassed nor shy. Being comfortable within
his own skin was something every Jedi strove for and something
that had always come easily to him. He knew his looks were
slightly above average and his body was fit and healthy.
Obi-Wan started to remove his own clothes, and Qui-Gon stopped
him. "Isn't that my job?"
"If you want to."
As an answer, Qui-Gon removed Obi-Wan's open tunic, letting it
fall to the floor. Undressing his Padawan was not difficult,
he'd done it before, admittedly not with the intent he had now,
but getting the clothes off was not a problem. He let the
desire he felt show in his eyes and Obi-Wan did not stand as
easily under his gaze. "You are so beautiful, my Obi-Wan."
"As are you." Obi-Wan pulled him into his arms, his calloused
hand running along his flanks and down his back to palm his
buttocks.
Qui-Gon pushed back into the hands, enjoying the feel of
Obi-Wan touching him. He had never understood how starved he
had become for simple touches. "I always thought that the
affection of friends and my Padawans was enough for me. I find
that I was wrong." He moved his hands along Obi-Wan's bare
skin, caressing slowly, hoping to stoke the same fires in his
beloved. Turning him around, Obi-Wan slowly pushed him down
onto the bed, and then followed him down, embracing him
tightly.
Skin to skin was electric. He could feel it echo down his spine
and outward into his body, coalescing with fire in his groin.
Almost of their own volition, his fingers roamed over Obi-Wan's
back and buttocks, stroking along the crease between the
cheeks. Obi-Wan gasped and he pulled back, not quite sure if
he'd done something wrong. That should have been pleasurable,
at least he'd always thought it would be. "What?"
"Why did you stop?"
"You gasped." It was surprisingly difficult to admit, but he
did anyway. "I wasn't sure that you were enjoying it."
Obi-Wan kissed him again. "I was. Believe me, I was. You could
continue on in that direction if you wanted to. I'd like to
have you inside me."
The idea held a lot of appeal, but even knowing what to do in
theory, he didn't want to hurt Obi-Wan. Perhaps it would be
better for him to gain some experience before attempting it
himself. "I think it would be better if you..." he searched for
a proper word, "if you made love to me first."
Excitement seemed to radiate off of Obi-Wan and he smiled
brilliantly. "I'd like that, too. But you do know that it will
probably hurt the first time, at least somewhat."
"I've read that. I think I can stand a little pain."
With infinite gentleness, Obi-Wan pushed him onto his back and
leaned over him, kissing him deeply. He responded, opening his
mouth to the touch, and welcoming the exploring tongue. His
mouth was slowly besieged, plundered. Quiescence was not in his
nature, and he turned the tables and explored Obi-Wan's mouth
in as much detail.
Allowing his explorations for a time, Obi-Wan pulled back to
move his mouth along Qui-Gon's jaw and down his neck, kissing
and nuzzling. All Qui-Gon could do was arch under the
sensations rushing through him, giving in without time to even
assimilate them. He tried to control, to stay centered, but
gave it up after a very short time under Obi-Wan's hands and
mouth.
Slowly and thoroughly, Obi-Wan moved down the length of his
body, sparing no expanse of flesh, and when he reached
Qui-Gon's feet, he turned around and came up the inside of his
legs. Thought was not possible as Qui-Gon rode the sensations,
giving himself completely to the splendor of Obi-Wan's caress.
Somehow, and Qui-Gon wasn't sure exactly how, he ended up on
his belly, his hard cock pressed into the sheets, with Obi-Wan
leaning over his back, kissing his neck. Oh, he liked that. A
fine trembling started in his body, and got worse with each
vertebrae that was sucked or nipped as Obi-Wan moved downward.
Obi-Wan parted the cheeks of his buttocks and ran his tongue
down between in a caress that Qui-Gon felt to the depth of his
entire being. After laving over the muscle several times with
his tongue, Obi-Wan pressed a finger into him. He thought he'd
screamed as the pleasure overwhelmed him, his hips canting
downward, pressing his cock against the bedding and, gasping
for breath, he came hard.
Before he could recover from the powerful orgasm, his breath
still coming in deep pants, Obi-Wan slipped a second finger
into him, stretching him. And then a third, this one intruded
on his post-orgasm haze enough to notice and he grunted.
"Push back on my fingers, my love. It will help the
constriction," Obi-Wan murmured, rubbing in soothing circles on
the small of Qui-Gon's back.
He did as he was told and the slight discomfort eased. Obi-Wan
guided him to his knees, and positioned himself behind.
"Ready?"
More than ready. "Yes."
Pressing back as Obi-Wan pressed in, there was some resistance,
but not enough to stop his enjoyment of what was happening.
Obi-Wan stopped, waiting for him to adjust completely. After a
moment, he pressed back again, wanting Obi-Wan to continue and
he did.
The world turned to flawless pleasure as Obi-Wan moved slowly
in and out, letting the tension build until the lines between
them hummed taut with barely restrained fire. Reaching around
him, Obi-Wan stroked his cock, bringing him back to the brink.
It broke then, and a flood of pure white bliss washed over and
through him. Qui-Gon was sure the world must have ended as he
again screamed his pleasure out loud, glorying in the joy of
it.
Falling back onto the bed, he sprawled there on the edge,
panting, trying to work through what had just happened. Taking
deep, slow breaths, Qui-Gon contemplated the nature of what
he'd done, and had done to him. The experience had been
profound, more deeply intimate than he'd previously thought sex
would be. This had been more than simple sex of course, much
more, and it had moved him immeasurably.
Still deep in his own thoughts, he didn't feel Obi-Wan move
until the young man was kneeling on the floor beside him, his
face anxious.
"Master?" Obi-Wan pushed his loose hair back from his face,
kissing him gently. "Are you all right?"
"I'm fine." He tried to sound reassuring, but it didn't
actually get there.
Obi-Wan heard the trepidation and solicitude entered his eyes.
"What's wrong? Did I hurt you? Please tell me."
"I'm fine, beloved. Really. It wasn't what I expected." He took
Obi-Wan's hand from his hair and kissed the palm.
Obi-Wan seemed almost afraid to ask, but he did anyway. "Then
what did you expect?"
"It was more..." Qui-Gon paused to find the correct words to
begin to describe what he was feeling, "intimate than I thought
it would be."
"Intimate? How?"
"When you were inside me...." Qui-Gon sighed. "I find it hard
to put into words what I felt."
"You didn't like it?" Deep concern edged the words.
And Qui-Gon was quick to alleviate that fear. "No. I did. Very
much so. But I never reckoned on how... personal that could
be."
"Personal?" Obi-Wan thought for a moment. "I think I know what
you're saying. Unless you've experienced it, you don't know how
deep you're going to feel the intimacy?"
"Yes exactly. I thought sex would be fun, delightful even. I
never considered farther than that." He smiled at Obi-Wan,
leading forward to kiss him softly. "But for a true experience,
I think I would have to try it again."
A blush crept onto Obi-Wan's face "Thank you. We could try it
the other way, too."
"I think I'd like that, as well."
"I'm sure you would."
"Come here, my Padawan. There is much more to learn." He sat up
and opened his arms.
Obi-Wan climbed back onto the bed, and snuggled against him.
"And I will be more than happy to teach you."
"You've done well so far." Tilting Obi-Wan's head up, he kissed
him deeply.
When he let Obi-Wan up, his Padawan smiled again. "Didn't
someone say that when the Padawan teaches the Master, the bond
is true."
Qui-Gon nodded. "Yes, I believe someone did. And our bond is
very true."
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