Archive: Someone actually wants this? (Sillygrin) but only
where Anne Higgins' Bonding Through Years can be
found--the universe is hers, after all...M_A, of course! I'd be
honored.
Warnings: Not beta'd, so the only thing I can guarantee is
spelling. Even grammar is suspect. No spoilers, I don't think,
unless you didn't already know about Xanatos.
Summary: Obi-Wan helps his bondmate deal with the fall of
Xanatos.
Disclaimer: Characters belong to The Powers that Be (George
Lucas and LucasFilm come to mind; I'm not sure who else).
Universe belongs to Anne Higgins. Mistakes belong to me. There
is no money made from this--the only payment requested is
feedback. Be gentle, my Masters, I know not what I do...
Notes: Based on how I read Bonding Through Years I'm
assuming Obi-Wan is maybe ten years old. It's set sometime
after the events in Menelaus, another wonderful vignette
fic for this AU by Laura JV (borrowed here without permission
OR knowledge). I'm also assuming that Mace Windu is not a
member of the Council yet. This is sort of my tribute to the
wonderful Anne Higgins, who has created one of my very favorite
Q/O AUs around. She's explained to me that what I've written
here will be contradicted by her own take on this portion of
Qui-Gon's life (oh Force, make it soon!) but she did encourage
me to post it anyway. Thanks for the kind comments and
inspiration, Anne!
Final word: and now to the 'fic...
Something was wrong.
It pounded in his head, in his heart, thrummed in his veins. It
pulsed where his bond to Qui-Gon would be, if he hadn't
withdrawn as usual for the daily 'saber practices with Master
Windu.
Ignoring the practice match before him, turning his awareness
inwards, Obi-Wan sent his thoughts winging to his bondmate.
//Qui-Gon?//
A firestorm of grief and horror hit him like a shock. In a tiny
corner of his mind that was not lost in the maelstrom of
despair, Obi-Wan was screaming for his bondmate, anyone,
anything that could end the terror that engulfed him. Thoughts
swirled around him, too fleeting to grasp. Vision flared:
Xanatos with 'saber raised against...
//QUI-GON!!// Obi-Wan screamed into the darkness that was their
bond.
Crystalline shields cracked open. //Obi-Wan?//
Finally, finally Obi-Wan could feel his bondmate. He
held onto the mental presence with the strength of desperation,
fed his own terror into the link before he could contain it,
felt his bondmate's self- loathing redoubled. //Not him...not
him too! Never...//
With a wail of purest despair, Obi-Wan was flung from contact
and--for the first time in his short life--was alone in the
silence of his mind.
"Obi-Wan! Obi-Wan!"
The voices swam in and out of focus. He blinked eyes suddenly
gummy with strain. 'Focus,' he told himself and pushed away
from the training mat he'd collapsed against...or tried to,
before his shaking arms betrayed him and he fell again.
The pressure of silence in his head was overwhelming. Always
there had been a presence that whispered Qui-Gon to his
senses. Now, there was nothing. It was unbearable. It was
unnatural--it was WRONG...
With a growl he reached for Qui-Gon, searching for the
all-important link to his bondmate. He found a fortress of
shields blocking him off. Obi-Wan battered against it,
desperately seeking a way to reach his other half and failed.
And failed. And failed...
"Obi-Wan, what has happened?"
That was Master Windu. 'Master Windu will help' was the only
thought he could pull together. "Muh-muh-master W-Windu," he
hiccoughed through the wracking sobs tearing through him. "He
won't let m-me in. I c-can't feel him at all!"
"What is wrong? What has happened to Qui-Gon?"
He couldn't stay focused. Somewhere deep inside, he denied it
was possible--nothing could happen to his Qui-Gon, he was
eternal and unchanging and nothing would happen to
Qui-Gon. The very thought made him nauseous. The greater part
was terrified that he would be alone with the echoing emptiness
of himself forever. //Qui-Gon...//
Mace stiffened. One moment, the sparring apprentices had been
working on the second movement with barely a flicker of Force
around them. In the next heartbeat, a storm of Force energy
flared in the practice rooms.
A cursory glance proved that it was not coming from the
sparring pair. 'But who--'
An agonized cry from the other side of the circle brokered a
dawning comprehension. The apprentices were clustered worriedly
around a collapsed Obi-Wan. 'Sithspawn!' Mace cursed, already
moving towards the boy.
"Obi-Wan! What has happened?" This was bad. His pupils were
dilated and he was shivering in the beginnings of a catatonic
shock. Mace knelt in a flurry of robes and resisted the urge to
shake him to awareness. Instead he concentrated on projecting
calm and serenity at the apprentice, ignoring his own mounting
fear. 'The Council sent Qui-Gon to Telos with Xanatos...'
Obi-Wan's response was not what he expected. 'Sithspawn!' Mace
cursed again, 'What does Qui-Gon think he is doing? He's
supposed to shield during 'saber training, not block the bond
completely!'
When the boy collapsed again in true shock, Mace retained the
presence of mind to call for another master to take over the
'saber practices while he carried the unconscious apprentice to
the Healers.
Once tucked into a bed at the Healers, Obi-Wan curled into a
tight ball that radiated hurt, clutching a pillow forlornly as
though its presence could fill the emptiness in his mind. Mace
turned from the bedside with a sigh. With a soul-bond set so
early, the Healers could not be certain of anything.
'Sithspawn!' he cursed, for the third time that day. 'What in
hells is going on in Telos?' Again, he wished that the Council
were not so secretive of the missions they sent the Jedi upon.
"Knowledge great a burden is," Master Yoda's grave voice filled
the room. "Bear this in mind you should, if the Council you
would question."
Feeling rather as though he were an apprentice being taken to
task for some wrongdoing, Mace resisted the urge to act like
one and knelt to face the diminutive Master.
"My apologies Master Yoda. I did not realize my concerns were
writ so large."
"Troubles you, the boy does. Expected it is," Master Yoda
continued in his enigmatic way. "A disturbance in the Force
have I sensed. Thought I but one there was but young Kenobi
focus of another is."
"Then I was right," breathed Mace. "Something has happened to
Qui-Gon."
"Of a certainty." Master Yoda said no more.
"But what could have caused him to block off Obi-Wan so
completely?"
The silence stretched between them as no answer could--or
would--be given.
Obi-Wan tightened his grip on the pillow then relaxed, trying
to make it look like he was still unconscious. He kept his eyes
tightly shut, hoping he would be left alone so he could think,
listening with all his might for any sign that the unwanted
watchers had left so he could...he didn't know what he would
do. All he knew was that he was alone with this terrifying
silence in his head.
"Alone you are not."
A heartbeat of stillness, then the boy turning in his bunk to
face the Master who remained. "Yes I am." The tearful whisper
thundered in the air, his grief almost palpable in the room.
"Alone you are not," repeated Master Yoda. "Alone he is," he
added before turning to leave.
The cryptic statement pulled Obi-Wan from his misery. "Master
Yoda, what do you mean?" Anger flared, as a quickly
extinguished by a waterfall of sorrow. "I'm the one he blocked
out. I can't feel him at all."
"Protection does a shield offer, but concealment also its
purpose is." With this final offering, the diminutive master
left the apprentice to his thoughts.
What did that mean, really? Obi-Wan knew better than to dismiss
Master Yoda's statement out of hand. He was the most senior of
Masters on the Council and was famous for his insightful, if
slightly off-tangent, comments.
Tears threatened, but he was tired of tears. They could not
express the depth of his despair and helped nothing.
Determinedly, he blocked off that part of him that wanted to
curl up and shut out the world and tried to puzzle his way
through the words of Master Yoda.
Almost unconsciously, he settled into a meditative pose he knew
from years of observing Qui-Gon. A tiny portion of his mind
wailed at the agony of that remembered closeness, but with a
maturity that outweighed his years he banished it from his
thoughts. He would find an answer then he would fix it and
then Qui-Gon would come back to him. He refused any
other possibility.
He sank into meditation, nearly desperate to unravel the
threads of meaning hidden in Master Yoda's discourse.
Concentrating on the deep drag of his breathing, Obi-Wan let
his mind wander. The key was in shields. A shield was
protection--it blocked enemy fire and diverted danger. Shields
prevented hurt to the one holding them.
That was important, but his mind turned to another idea and he
let it go for the moment. He was being blocked by the strongest
shields. He could not get through them. Shields prevented him
from feeling Qui-Gon, they concealed his bondmate behind their
diamantine facets. That was another part of the puzzle.
For a while he drifted between the two realizations, content to
merely contemplate them as he waited for the answer to surface
to where consciousness would recognize it.
'Alone I am not,' the thought came to him and suddenly he knew.
A shield worked both ways! His bondmate was concealed, but then
so was he... Both were sealed away from the other. Obi-Wan knew
where he could find his Qui-Gon: behind the shields. Qui-Gon
would even more alone than Obi-Wan himself because he could not
sense even that much. Qui-Gon's shields had sealed him into his
mind alone. 'Alone HE is.'
Obi-Wan fell out of his contemplation with a rush. Being alone
had HURT and he didn't want his Qui-Gon to feel that agony at
all. He had to break through that shield--had to let his
bondmate know he was not alone.
He gathered the ragged bits of his strength to him and dove
back into the soul-bond, determined to batter through that
stubborn blockage until he could feel his other half again.
Obi-Wan was getting tired and he was still no closer to
breaking through the shields. He'd pounded until his mind was
raw to no avail; the block remained stubbornly in place.
Well, he could be stubborn too. If he couldn't break it down,
then he would wait until it came down. Satisfied he was doing
something, Obi-Wan settled down to outlast the shields.
The Healers called the Council when it became evident that the
meditative trance was far deeper than could ordinarily be
reached by most apprentices of Obi-Wan's age group. He hadn't
moved for most of the day and Mace was almost frantic with
worry, for Qui-Gon had not been heard from in as long.
It was clear to the Council that something terrible had
befallen the absent Master Qui-Gon. It was also plain to see
that the echoes of it was hurting the soul-bond. What was not
clear were the circumstances of the incident, the whereabouts
of the Jedi and the current state of the bondmate they had in
hand. If the Council had access to more information, they were
sparing of it to the rest of the Jedi. Instead, they assigned
Mace to monitor the boy, guessing that his original bond with
Qui-Gon would allow him to connect with the boy.
It was getting easier to set the boy apart from his own pain at
the loss of Qui-Gon, he mused. He was an attentive student and
had a positive joy for learning that was quite refreshing. It
was only in moments like this that the hurt of loss resurfaced.
Reflecting ruefully that it was neither here nor there to
contemplate the past, Mace concentrated on monitoring Obi-Wan
on as many levels as he could reach.
Obi-Wan stared at the shields that refused him passage.
He remembered all the times Qui-Gon held him when he was
scared. He visualized the hugs until he could feel their warmth
wrapped around him...
...and concentrated on the shields.
With little effort, he rehearsed all their favorite rituals.
Calling his Qui-Gon 'Quigee,' the 'forgotten' birthday gifts,
the affectionate argument endlessly re-enacted prior to a
mission off-planet without him...
...pushing the bright memories against the shields.
Which trembled.
Encouraged, Obi-Wan continued the mental review of every moment
they had spent together, special for that very reason. He was
so caught up in the memories that he almost missed the moment
the shield thinned enough so he could see his Qui-Gon behind
it.
With a cry of purest joy, he flung himself against the
disintegrating shields and into the warmth of his bondmate,
lost in the wonder that was their soul-bond.
//I thought you'd be asleep// Qui-Gon sent hesitantly, as
though he hadn't meant to be found.
Obi-Wan didn't budge from the mental hug he had swarmed into.
//Waited for you.//
Something was still wrong. Qui-Gon was not all there--a wall
hard and high screened behind him that prevented Obi-Wan from
reading him at all.
Secure in the presence of his bondmate and confident he would
receive, an answer, Obi-Wan decided to ask. //My Qui-Gon, what
happened? You were scared and then you hurt and then you
blocked me out and then I hurt! Did something bad happen to
Xanatos?//
Behind the wall fear stirred, he could sense it now. Without
thinking, Obi-Wan reached past the wall and heedless of
Qui-Gon's hiss of denial touched the heart of pain.
Memory exploded to include him and he saw--
--Xanatos inciting bloodshed, Xanatos causing pain, Xanatos'
father crumpled at Qui-Gon's feet, Xanatos fighting Qui-Gon--
--Xanatos outlined in a halo of Dark power--
--and Obi-Wan knew.
//Why does Xanatos look like that?// he asked instead and sent
the image of Darkness, absolutely certain Qui-Gon would never
lie to him.
Hesitation. //Xanatos touched the Dark Side when we fought,//
came the whisper. //He turned to the Dark Side.//
Oh, that was awful-bad. Just last week Master Yoda had spoken
about the dangers of the Dark Side. Obi-Wan didn't understand
it all yet but he knew it was very bad. No wonder Qui-Gon was
so sad.
//Is that why you wouldn't let me in?// Involuntarily, he
shuddered at that icy void in him.
//I'm sorry I hurt you.// Warmth flowed, easing the chill.
//Why?// Obi-Wan persisted.
//Because it was my fault. I failed my Padawan. I--//
Unbidden the thought sprang loose. 'I might fail you.' Guilt,
self- loathing, shame, deep-seated fear, the emotions battered
at Obi-Wan.
Obi-Wan let his absolute trust in his bondmate seep into the
bond, flooded Qui-Gon with acceptance and understanding, love
and the utter conviction that he was certainly worthy of it all
and more.
//I lost Xanatos to the Dark Side.//
//Xanatos left you and choose the Dark Side.// Obi-Wan pointed
out with admirable calm. //I wouldn't do that. I could never do
that.//
//Oh, my precious imp, what did I ever do to deserve you?//
Obi-Wan knew Qui-Gon was crying and reached to hug him better
the way his bondmate had always done for him.
//You'd better come home as soon as you can,// he sighed.
//Everyone is worried about you.//
A wince, quickly soothed by a wave of warmth. //I have to
report to the Council.//
Oh, the pain was still a draigon tearing at the heart of
Qui-Gon, but the hurt was less that it had been.
//You have to give me a hug.// Obi-Wan corrected through
relieved tears.
Startlement, then a thin grain of amusement. //Imp.//
//Quigee.//
A rush of tears at the familiar endearment. //I'll be home
soon, little one. We'll talk after I meet with the Council.//
//Love you.// Obi-Wan eased into rest wrapped tightly in the
soulbond.
Mace slipped from contact as quietly as he knew how. He
shouldn't have stayed once he had known that contact with
Qui-Gon had been established. It had been an intensely private
moment for the bonded pair, but he had not been able to
withdraw without calling attention to himself.
He looked down at the sleeping child, letting the memory of
that absolute trust wash away the bitterness at his own pain
over the loss of Qui-Gon. With a sigh, he surrendered the last
of his regrets to the Force and turned to leave. He had to
report to the Council. There would be repercussions from the
events of this night.
He drew strength from the knowledge that Qui-Gon would recover
with the aid of Obi-Wan.
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