Category : POV (QJ & OW), First Time, Angst (a bit)
Rating : R to NC17 (I guess)
Warnings : None
Spoilers : None
Summary : Obi-Wan reacts badly to Qui-Gon refusing a
sexual/romantic relationship between them.
Feedback : Yes please.
Disclaimers : We all know I don't own them and who does. No
money is changing hands here.
"If you insist on having casual sex, you might as well have it
with me. At least I care for you Padawan."
Six weeks earlier things had been so different.
Obi-Wan
It was after the celebration of the bonding of two Knights
that I hardly knew. Every Jedi on Coruscant had been at the
Temple for the celebration which was held in the main
courtyard. It was a glorious balmy night and everyone had made
the most of it, even Qui-Gon had relaxed and I had spent most
of the evening watching him in this rare mood. He looked so
happy, those wonderful eyes smiling down at everyone and his
seductive voice slipping into its natural brogue. By the end of
the evening I wanted nothing more than to be held in his arms
and kissed until I couldn't think straight. Well...perhaps I
wanted a little more than that but the romantic mood of the
evening was working its way with me. Unfortunately my Master
felt differently as I discovered when I gathered my courage
back in our quarters.
"We have had this conversation before Padawan."
"Yes Master but that was when I was sixteen...eight years ago.
Then you said it was normal for a padawan to have a
crush on his master and that it would go away." I made myself
hold his gaze bringing every ounce of my strength to bear to
maintain my calm. "But it hasn't Master, it's stronger than
ever."
His eyes held sorrow and regret and I knew then that this
conversation was going to end the same way the other had all
those years ago. Desperate to convince him of my sincerity I
reached out, "Let me show you," and lowered all my shields.
For a moment I thought he was going to refuse then I felt the
gentle wash of his consciousness over mine. I closed my eyes
and let myself simply experience the emotions; trust, security,
affection...the things I'd felt from the first time I saw him
and determined to be accepted as his Padawan; love, loyalty,
respect...the feelings that had burgeoned with each day at his
side; desire, devotion, passion...the inevitable outcome of our
extraordinarily close bond. He had been right eight years ago.
What I felt then was a pale shadow of the emotions I lived with
today. Then it had been the awe of hero worship, now I
recognised his frailties as well as his strengths and loved him
for both, loved the man in all his moods, knew him as well as I
knew myself and desired him with every fibre of my being.
I felt him withdraw and opened my eyes, waiting for him to
speak. I searched for the answer in his face and was dismayed
to see pain and sad understanding. Briefly I contemplated
escaping his presence then I felt his hand against my cheek. He
lowered his shields and I accepted the invitation even though I
was afraid of what I would learn. He let me in as deeply as I
had him and I saw the reflection of all my emotions; the trust,
the loyalty, the affection, the respect, even the desire; all
of my emotions except love. Oh, there was love there;
the love of a friend, of a companion, even of a peer but not
that of a lover, entirely missing was the passion.
He felt my realisation and took hold of me, mentally and
physically, before I could flee. I shuddered in this arms as he
comforted me the way he had when I was a child woken by
nightmares. I responded as I had all those years ago, clasping
him as though he was my only link to reality and burying my
face in his shoulder. At long last I stilled, bringing my
despair under control and tried to move away from him but he
kept a firm hold of me and drew me down to sit by him.
"Obi-Wan I'm so sorry, I hoped this issue would not arise
again until you were a Knight yourself. I didn't realise the
depth of your feelings for me. I am honoured and flattered that
you feel this way."
"But you don't return my feelings." I said it flatly. There
was no mistaking what I had seen. I raised my hand to stop his
reply, "It's all right Master, I have live with it this long, I
will cope." The effort required to keep my voice steady nearly
choked me. "Please don't let this change our training
relationship, that means more to me than anything." That
wasn't quite true but if I couldn't be his lover, I had
to remain his Padawan.
His eyes were full of sympathy and concern and it was all I
could do to restrain the tears especially when he spoke, the
soft voice rough with an emotion I didn't want to name.
"Obi-Wan....Padawan, never would I punish you for feeling
deeply. I am only concerned for your pain. I wish I could help
you but in the face of a passion like that offering sex without
an equivalent love would be an insult. Eventually you would
hate me and yourself."
I turned away from him, squeezing my eyes tight, unable to
stifle the bitter laugh. He was silent but his hands were warm
as they gently moved over my back. I wanted to say something
that would show him that I understood and agreed with him but I
was only capable of a subdued, "Yes Master." As I pulled away
from him I felt a light kiss against my hair and only just made
it into my room before the tears flowed down my face.
The next few days were agony. Qui-Gon behaved as though
nothing had changed, treating me with the same grave affection
as always, never shying from touching me, never showing the
slightest embarrassment or withdrawal. I was grateful to him
but perversely I resented his ease as well. When I realised
that he had rearranged our schedule so I would have more time
with my friends and more opportunity to socialise I wanted to
rage at him, wanted to tell him that the only companionship I
wanted was his. Then I despaired knowing that pushing me to
find another was the unarguable proof that he didn't want me as
I wanted him.
Bant was a tower of strength to me. She knew how I felt and
she provided support and common sense, encouraging me to join
her most evenings. After a week or so I recovered enough to
accept her invitations and from then on I threw myself into a
frantic social life, but when I started visiting night clubs
and bars in the seedier Lower Levels Bant began to remonstrate
with me. I wasn't far enough gone to reject my oldest friend
but I stayed out when the other padawans had returned to the
Temple.
I could feel my Master's eyes on me when I returned but he
never spoke of it and I began to wonder what it would take for
him to criticise my behaviour. I had begun picking up strangers
and having quick sex in rented rooms and I was drinking far too
much. I made sure that Qui-Gon was aware what I was doing. I
came home drunk and with the marks of biting kisses clear on my
throat but he just watched me sadly and calmly corrected the
increasing faults during my training sessions.
He was expecting me to return to normal when I had worked it
through. I was determined to make him confront me and in the
process I was beginning to hate myself.
Finally the inevitable happened. I was picked up by couple who
were perhaps ten years older than I, a good-looking pair with
an air of sophistication. I spent an hour or so talking with
them before I went to their hotel and found that the
sophistication was of a particularly dark and violent kind. I
was able to avoid any serious damage by using the Force but I
didn't want to be recognised as a Jedi and besides I felt a
certain relief at finally being punished. When I left the plush
suite I was sore and covered in bruises and welts.
It was later than I usually returned and for once I was glad
Qui- Gon would not see me. I had wanted him to know what I was
up to but I found myself cringing with shame at the thought of
him seeing me like this. To my relief our quarters were dark
and I was able to wash without waking him. I collapsed onto my
bed too tired to do more than suppress the worst of the pain
before I fell asleep.
Qui-Gon
As the days turned into weeks and Obi-Wan slid into a pattern
of destructive behaviour I began to question my tactics. I
still believed I was right to reject a relationship with him
although I cared deeply for him and certainly felt the allure
of his potent sexual presence. Something had to done to pull
him out of the destructive spiral he was in. I had thought he
would indulge in a spate of dissipation and then settle back to
normal. Clearly I was wrong. The way things were going I was
increasingly concerned that he would find himself in serious
trouble, either with the Council or the city's law enforcers.
It was close to dawn and I was sitting in a window embrasure
unable to sleep. I was drinking spiced cha and thinking about
my options when the door to our quarters opened and Obi-Wan
quietly entered. I was about to speak to him when I saw the
dark bruises under his left eye and along his neck. I leaned
back into the shadows as he threw his jacket onto the couch and
moved to the bathroom. His shirt followed his jacket and as the
light from the city outside illuminated him I almost gasped at
the marks on his back. He closed the door and I could hear
running water and the rustle of clothing.
Sipping my cha I waited until he emerged and watched closely
as he went to his room. He was moving with the careful gait of
someone in pain and he looked crushed and unutterably weary. I
waited until his light went out then I picked up his discarded
clothing, they reeked of smoke and sex. It was a long hour
until dawn and I spent it meditating and worrying. When dawn
finally came I ate a hasty breakfast and left a note cancelling
our morning training session, then I went to seek the advice of
my own Master.
Yoda scolded me for my ineptitude in handling my Padawan then
offered me his own brand of wisdom. "Strong the boy is, but
sensitive. Trusts you he does, needs your trust and support.
Sometimes better it is to bend than break." He patted my arm,
"Trust you feelings you should my Padawan."
I knew that Obi-Wan would be sparring with other padawans
before our afternoon sessions so I went to the observation
deck. He was being continually beaten by his opponent, a
padawan two years younger and considerably less able than
Obi-Wan. I watched him being driven back. When he dropped his
lightsabre and shook his hand after being struck in the forearm
I stopped the bout.
"I need to speak to you Padawan, meet me in our quarters when
you have washed."
Obi-Wan
I was glad when Qui-Gon halted my bout with Vel even though I
was embarrassed that he had seen me perform so badly. Throwing
Vel a wry grimace I hurriedly washed and returned to our rooms.
My Master was seated on the couch pouring two cups of cha. He
didn't look up as I entered so I tossed my things onto my bed
and went to join him. I stood respectfully until he
acknowledged me.
"Take off your tunic Padawan."
His voice was cool and level and his eyes gave nothing away. I
did as I was told laying the tunic over the back of a chair. I
had used the Force to speed my healing but I could feel his
eyes take in every fading bruise, every healing cut and welt. I
felt the heat in my face as his gaze moved down my body to
where the marks disappeared under my pants.
"Are you going to tell me what you are doing Obi-Wan?" This
time his voice was weary. "Are you trying to destroy yourself?
Or are you punishing me?"
"Master! No!" I took a step towards him and was halted by the
anguish on his face. I took a deep breath, "I'm sorry Master, I
wasn't thinking."
At that Qui-Gon gestured me to sit and handed me a cup. "No
Padawan you weren't and we need to talk about this. Are you
aware how close you are to being disciplined by the Council? If
this doesn't stop, you could be expelled. Is that what you
want?"
"No Master." I didn't know what to say, I knew I had no excuse
and my reasons would only sound like self-pity or childish
petulance even to my own ears.
Qui-Gon ran his hands through his hair and sighed. "This is
all my fault isn't it? My rejection of a sexual relationship
with you has caused all this." He sounded so defeated, so
bewildered. "You don't have the strength or the self esteem to
deal with it. And that is my fault as well."
I was horrified, "No! No Master. My weakness is not your
fault."
"Then whose is it Padawan? I am responsible for your training
and for your well being. If you are unable to cope with
rejection....." He didn't finish the sentence. "You have
remarkable talents and we have an unusually strong bond. Until
this problem occurred, I never doubted that you would become a
great Jedi or that I would be the one to steer you to your
trials." He held out a hand to me. "So talk to me Obi-Wan, tell
me what is going on. I can understand that you needed to lash
out a little, but this." He gestured to my bruises, "How does
this help?"
Shame made me hang my head so I wouldn't have to meet his
eyes. "This was a mistake Master. I made a poor choice and I
paid for it."
When I looked up, his eyes were questioning, "A poor choice to
frequent the Lower Level bars, or in picking up that particular
person? And why didn't you defend yourself? For the Force sake
Obi-Wan were you seeking pain?" He sounded confused and hurt
and angry.
"No! No, I wasn't looking to be hurt." Suddenly I was furious
with myself and perversely with him, "I wanted to prove that
someone desired me, that it wasn't impossible. Is that so hard
to believe?" I was almost shouting now and I was shaking so
much the cha spilt onto my hand.
Qui-Gon snorted, "And picking up strangers in seedy bars
proves your desirability! For the love of heaven Padawan, are
you completely out of your mind? Half of the Knights and all of
the Padawans would gladly lie with you. Are you totally blind
that you don't see the looks they give you?"
I shifted under eyes which managed to convey affectionate
contempt. "But you don't want me." I couldn't believe I
had said it. I had promised myself that I would never expose
myself to his rejection again. But the words kept on tumbling
out. "What does it matter who I go with if I can't be with the
person I want?" My voice was rising. "What do you care? "
He made an inarticulate protest, the distress palpable. I
flung my misery at him cloaked in fury. "Oh I know you don't
want me to be disgraced, after all, that would reflect badly on
you. Well don't worry." I stood and flung my words down at him.
"I won't make the same mistake again. I don't want to be
damaged and I don't enjoy pain." My voice was shaking,
"But there are other people who value me even if you don't."
I spun on my heel and would have raced from the room but he
reached out with the Force and held me there. It was the first
time he had ever been angry enough to use the Force against me
and it shocked me but it also stoked my fury and gave me an
excuse to turn it towards him.
He drew me back until I was standing before him. The bitter
self disgust I felt twisted so easily into anger. I wanted to
hurt him. I wanted to hide my pain. But most of all I wanted to
regain my equilibrium. I felt as though I was walking along a
knife edge and that the slightest misstep would send me
plummeting to disaster. So I kept on lashing out at him. "Why
do you care with whom I have sex?"
Qui-Gon
I had never before been so angry or felt so helpless that I
used the Force against him, but as he threw those ugly words at
me and then turned to storm out of the room I acted
instinctively. I was caught between a kind of despairing horror
and frustrated disbelief that he could value himself so little.
I couldn't let him go until we had sorted this out. He stood
before me, his eyes stormy with anger and pain.
Trying to speak gently I said, "Do you truly believe that I
don't value you Padawan? That I don't care?" His muscles were
straining against the Force-hold. "And do you truly believe
that the strangers you pick up give a damn for anything except
the sensations of the moment?"
I eased him back into the chair and released my hold on him.
He surged forward but I held up a hand in warning.
"Don't you understand Master?" He spat the title out,
"I don't care what they think. As long as they desire me."
I knew that it was his pain speaking and I was searching for
words to reach him but he hurried on. "Don't you see? I
need the sensations they can give me. I want
them. I want mindless sex with strangers."
My heart was twisting within me, "Oh Obi-Wan, how can you do
this to yourself?" It was agony seeing the young man who had
been my sole concern, my dearest companion, my greatest pride
for the past twelve years, tearing himself apart. That I seemed
helpless to halt his destruction and pain only deepened the
agony.
At that moment he seemed to hate me. "You did this to
me." He threw the words across the space dividing us. Their
accusation hung in the air. They cut me to the heart. Because
in a way they were true. Oh not in the sense he meant it, but
if he had the strength he should have, the sense of self worth,
my rejection of a sexual relationship would have never caused
this slide into self loathing.
He had worked himself into a state where he wasn't thinking.
He was simply throwing out what would most hurt both of us. And
he was rapidly losing all control. His whole body was wracked
by bone shaking tremors and tears were filling his eyes.
I couldn't stand it. The Jedi Master in me wanted to sort this
out rationally, to insist on control but the man just wanted to
soothe his pain. Yoda was the wisest amongst us and he had told
me to trust my feelings. I moved to kneel on the floor in front
of my Padawan and pulled him into my arms. Every muscle
strained to get away from me, his head was flung back and his
eyes were those of a trapped animal. I put one hand on his head
and forced it gently to my shoulder rocking back and forth and
murmuring reassurance and affection while I ran my fingers
through his hair, caressing and stroking.
A low, despairing moan issued from him and although he stopped
struggling, for long minutes he was rigid in my arms. Then
suddenly he seemed to crumple. His arms wound around me and he
buried his face into the juncture between my neck and shoulder.
I rested my head on his and waited for him to calm down but the
storm of weeping continued.
I began to be afraid that he would work himself into hysteria.
"Obi-Wan." He tightened his hold on me and huddled even closer.
I reached carefully along the link. His mind was awash with
emotions, shame overlaying all others. Shame at his lack of
control, shame at his actions both over the past weeks and this
afternoon, shame at his love for me. He was beyond rational
thought at that moment. I sent back support and love and
reassurance but they made little impact on his misery.
It seemed to me I had several options. I could take him to the
healers...which I didn't want to do except as a last resort. I
had already rejected the notion of calling on strict Jedi
control and discipline, at least until he was in a much less
emotionally fragile state. The best option seemed to me to be
to demonstrate my support and affection, to offer unconditional
love. That this might lead to the very sexual relationship that
I had repudiated was a risk I had to take.
I gathered him into my arms and carried him to my bed. For a
moment I considered the wisdom of this but we had often slept
together over the years and avoiding my bed might look like a
further rejection. When I moved to lay him down his hands
tightened like grappling hooks so I eased us down together. I
said softly, "Let me take our boots off." His eyes followed me
like a hawk, their usual crystalline blue/green turned to the
murky colour of a winter sea. I pulled off our boots and also
removed my tunic. Then I settled back beside him drawing him
close against me and pulling the covers over us.
He was lying against my chest, his hands locked to my arms as
they held him. I could hear his breath returning to its normal
rhythm but he was still racked by shudders. It was a long time
before I began to hope he was going to sleep. I merely held
him, pouring everything I felt for him through our link while I
surrounded him and gently stroked his hands and arms.
As the terrible tension leaked out of him I touched my lips to
his hair, a touch so soft and brief I doubt he would have felt
it physically, and prepared to sleep myself. Then I realised
that the tiny movements I had taken for the relaxation of
approaching sleep were settling into a lazy, almost
imperceptible caress of his lower back over my groin. I tested
the link and found him almost asleep. His consciousness was
curled into a tight ball at the very depths of his
being....what I found was an almost pre-verbal, entirely
physical need for touch, a seeking for approval, for affection,
for reassurance.
Knowing that I could be buying us both further trouble, but
unable to spurn that seeking, I gathered him closer again and
let my hands slide over his skin, along sleek muscles and sharp
bones down to his semi erect penis. Closing my eyes I rested my
cheek on his soft, spiky hair and simply held him. I was
pressed to him from knee to shoulder. If he was aware of such
things he would have known that I was not erect but he was
coming to life in my hands. Very gently I stroked him, fondling
and caressing, my touch tender rather than carnal. His climax,
when it came, was a release of tension rather than an
expression of passion.
He settled back against me with a soul deep sigh and simply
went to sleep. I found myself chuckling inwardly and was filled
with a warm sense of affection. Although I was not in love with
Obi-Wan in the way that he wanted me to be I was overwhelmed by
the conviction that this was where he belonged.
Obi-Wan
I woke up with a wonderful sense of peace and security and let
myself to rest there, half asleep, just allowing the feeling to
seep into me. As I slowly full consciousness I became aware of
the warmth at my back. I was pressed against a long, warm body
and wrapped in strong arms.
It didn't take long to realise where I was and I frowned. I
had often slept with my Master while we were on missions and
occasionally here at the Temple, especially when I was younger
and prone to bad dreams. However it had been many years since
I'd slept with him in this bed and besides I didn't remember
going to bed last night.
What I did remember was a painful, shaming scene in which I
had lost all control ending in an hysterical outburst. After
that all I could recall was being gathered into his arms and
comforted the way he used to all those years ago. Obviously I
had passed out with exhaustion or Qui-Gon's mind push and here
I was in his bed, wrapped in his arms. Which was exactly where
I wanted to be but not under these circumstances.
Knowing from long experience that there was no chance I could
leave the bed without awakening my Master I tried to relax and
meditate while I waited for him to wake. No matter what I tried
I could not persuade my body to ignore the sensation of him
pressed against me, so I concentrated on damping the response
my all too eager body was keen to manifest. I was so busy
relaxing muscles and steadying my breathing that I didn't
notice him stirring and almost shot out of my skin when I felt
hands tighten slightly on my arms and a gentle kiss touch the
back of my head.
"Good morning Padawan."
There was a hint of a smile in his voice and a wealth of
affection and all my efforts at quelling my body were instantly
undone. I made a move away from him but the hands held on to me
firmly.
"Master, I think I should get up." I tried to speak normally
but I could hear the huskiness in my voice.
A laugh ruffled the hair at the back of my head. "Relax Obi-
Wan. If these past weeks have done nothing else they have
proved to me that we need to be comfortable in each other's
presence. And that we need to make sure we talk to each other."
And here I was thinking that I could just pretend the whole
thing never happened. Silly me. "Yes Master. I'm sorry, I don't
know what came over me." I could feel myself tensing again and
feel also the whisper of the resentment that I'd felt for the
past weeks, culminating in yesterday's anger, reasserting
itself.
His voice was even softer than usual, "Obi-Wan your reaction
was unfortunate but.." He rested his head on mine for a moment.
"But I didn't handle things well either. Even after you had
shown me the depth of your feelings I still expected you to
simply put them aside. That was unreasonable and unkind."
I squirmed around until I was facing him and ran a finger over
the furrow between his brows. His eyes were dark with sorrow
and regret. "You didn't return my feelings so what else could
you do Master?" I was keeping a careful distance between our
bodies so that he would not feel my arousal but I have no doubt
he knew even though I had my shields closed tight.
He smiled a tiny, rueful smile. "I could have talked to you
Padawan. Instead of acting as though nothing had happened. I
told myself it would be easiest for you but I think perhaps it
was just easier for me."
Being so close to him and feeling the warm wash of his
affection through the link was playing havoc with my control so
I clamped down. When I spoke my voice was flat and cool. "I
think you were right Master. I have got it out of my system
now. It will be best if we behave as though it never happened."
He looked sceptical. I could tell that he was searching my
face, and as much of my mind as he could reach, and that he
wasn't convinced. Those big, capable hands slid along my skin
in a caress meant to reassure but all it did was feed the fire.
Desperate to get further away from him before I humiliated
myself again I pasted what I hoped was a convincing grin on my
face. "Truly I am over it, I promise there will be no more
inappropriate scenes."
The dark blue eyes were still fixed on mine. "And no more all
night forays to the pleasure bars?"
Trying for a light, arch tone I said, "You may be my Master
but I don't see what concern it is of yours what I do with my
free time." I could see by his expression that I still hadn't
convinced him. I was thinking how to do so when one of the
hands on my arms shifted up to my shoulder and took hold of the
back of my head.
The only warning I got was a flash of something in the depths
of his eyes. Not knowing whether I was going to be shaken and
yelled at, or held still while he expounded on the calm,
logical Jedi way I was completely unprepared when he kissed me.
And not a light, calming kiss, this was a deep, hot, passionate
kiss complete with tongue.
It was wonderful. My whole body surged towards him and my
mouth opened and kissed him back before my thought process
caught up and I jerked away. He was still holding my head and
the other hand had moved to the small of my back.
"What are you doing?" It was somewhere between a gasp and a
yelp.
"Kissing you Obi-Wan. I would have thought your recent
experiences would have included kissing." He tipped his head
slightly. "Or perhaps not. After all they were about casual sex
were they not, and not about affection."
The hand on my back pulled me inexorably closer until we were
touching from chest to knees. There was no way he could miss
knowing I was hard for him. On the other hand I could feel an
answering hardness pressed against my belly.
He moved until his lips were centimetres from mine and licked
along my lips. "If you insist on having casual sex, you might
as well have it with me. At least I care for you Padawan." He
sounded almost sad but I could sense arousal through the link.
At least a dozen thoughts were jockeying for attention but
they were losing to the overwhelming pleasure of his touch and
the reality of being here, with this man, about to do what I'd
always wanted. I closed my eyes. He didn't love me as I loved
him, he didn't pretend to. But he did love me in every
other way and there was no doubt he wanted me.
I was poised between acceptance and flight when his hands
began to move on me and the decision was made. His hands were
everywhere, so knowledgeable, so clever...in moments I was
writhing and whispering his name. He shut off my words with a
fierce kiss then slid down until his breath was on my cock. I
moaned softly as he first licked and then took me into his
mouth.
I have always enjoyed sex, well who doesn't, but this was
something else again. As I felt myself gather and surge and
release into him I was one with the Force. It felt good but it
also felt right. I could feel the glorious sensations tingling
along our training bond, deepening and strengthening it.
He lay for a moment with his head on my stomach, a gentle hand
on my spent penis. Then he looked up at me and smiled, a wide,
warm, loving smile.
I reached down to tangle my fingers in his hair and tug
gently. "Come back up here." He settled against me, lying half
on me. I revelled in the feeling of his weight resting on me
and we were kissing again.
Qui-Gon
I felt him wake and waited for him to realise where he was. It
took a long time, during which he rested against me and I could
feel his peace and pleasure singing though the link. Gradually
he began to tense and I was pleased when I felt him work at
easing that tension. Deciding it was time to let him know I was
awake I pressed a light kiss into his hair.
"Good morning Padawan."
I almost laughed as I felt him start in surprise and then I
did laugh as he moved to pull away. "Relax Obi-Wan." But it
soon became clear that my Padawan was not going to make this
easy, I could feel embarrassment and a certain resentment and
simmering behind it all desire. It all came back to that.
Obi-Wan loved and desired me. I had rebuffed his overtures in
the hope that he would get over it. I had tried to encourage
him to seek another partner. The only thing I hadn't tried was
giving in to him
He was telling me that he had himself under control and would
be alright now. His mind was closed to me but his voice was
tight and his eyes haunted. It was clear that everything wasn't
alright.
I stroked his arms soothingly but a hint of desperation
coloured his voice. "Truly I am over it, I promise there will
be no more inappropriate scenes."
I wasn't convinced. "And no more all night forays to the
pleasure bars?"
His response tried to be joking but he looked hunted. Taking a
deep breath I slid one hand to the small of his back and buried
the other in his hair holding him still as I leaned in to kiss
him. He tasted wonderful and the surge of response sent
glorious heat through every part of my body.
For an endless moment we kissed each other with equal passion
then he jerked away from me.
"What are you doing?" I laughed inwardly at the shock in his
face.
"Kissing you Obi-Wan. I would have thought your recent
experiences would have included kissing." He tipped his head
slightly. "Or perhaps not. After all they were about casual sex
were they not, and not about affection."
Gently I drew him forward until we were pressed together.
Briefly I wondered why I had fought this, it felt so good and
there was no denying that we both wanted it, the evidence was
hard and demanding between us. He was so close to me I couldn't
resist licking along his lips.
"If you insist on having casual sex, you might as well have it
with me. At least I care for you Padawan." I could see no other
way to break through his defences. My reaction to him had
placed us on the path to this moment and perhaps I should have
seen the inevitability from the beginning. Still I was worried
about the imbalance in the intensity of our feelings.
But those worries were for later, at the moment all that
mattered was the glorious young man lying naked in my bed. I
wanted to experience every inch of him. As I made my way over
his body he began to wriggle and then buck into my touch. He
sighed my name and I kissed him hard before I slid down to lie
with my head on his stomach. I gazed at my objective with
delight, licking the bead of moisture from the lip before
sucking it deep into my mouth.
It is a wonderful sensation doing this for someone you care
for. The sense of power is matched by the delight in giving
them pleasure and between those who are Force linked there is
the added joy of feeling the energy singing in the bond. I felt
him approach orgasm and held him steady while I swallowed. As
we both rested I lay on his stomach again cupping him in my
hand with a curiously possessive gesture.
Then I turned and smiled up at him receiving an answering beam
and a hand tugging at my hair. "Come back up here."
I let him guide me until I was lying half on, half off his
warm body, his hands finally playing over my skin. We kissed
again and I sighed into his mouth as his hand wrapped itself
around my erection. His fingers traced lightly over the
sensitive skin.
"Obi-Wan." I sighed.
"What? What do you want Master?"
His beautiful, refined voice speaking to me in that heated
purr almost sent me over the edge right there. "Whatever you
want Padawan."
He raised himself on his elbow and watched himself caress me.
"I want everything, surely you know that."
For a moment I saw doubt flicker in his eyes and I hastened to
reassure him. "Then you shall have it."
He continued to fondle me while asking, "Forgive me Master but
I thought you didn't want this." He had me on the brink of
ecstasy and he knew it, a small, pleased smile played over his
lips even while his eyes were anxious.
I gave a shaky chuckle, "Who wouldn't want this Padawan." I
raised a hand to his lips to stop his words. "Obi-Wan if it is
enough that I love you and desire you then I am yours."
His hand stilled for a second just the thumb rubbing
unconsciously over the head as his blue/green eyes searched
mine. "You love me and you desire me....but you are not
in love with me?"
I nodded. "Is it enough for you?"
A wide grin lit up his face and he bent to kiss the tip of my
cock. I watched him bemused. "Are you sure Padawan?"
In answer he knelt and began lavishing all his attention on
bringing me to a mind shattering climax. Then he settled beside
me and kissed me long and hard. It all seemed too easy and when
the glow began to subside I started to worry.
Obi-Wan sensed it immediately and without taking his mouth
from mine said wordlessly, [It's alright, really Master. Look.]
Then he opened his shields for the first time in days so that I
could feel his contentment and joy.
Pulling just a little away from him I said, "I don't
understand. I'm glad...but I really don't understand."
Wrapping his lean body around me he settled his head on my
shoulder. "I think we are talking semantics Master, and perhaps
a difference in perception."
I wasn't sure. I remembered his reaction when I had showed him
my feelings for him. And I remembered his emotions through the
link, that amazing passion, the desire for a romantic love. I
told him so but he smiled.
"Must everyone's love be felt and expressed in the same way
Master? You trust me, you respect me, you are fond of me, you
feel sexual desire for me...that sounds like love to me.
Perhaps I was wrong to expect your emotions to be the mirror
image of mine, after all we are very different people."
"So wise my Padawan." I was lazily running his braid through
my fingers. It certainly felt right to hold him like this and
the pleasure had been intense, what's more the harmonic
vibration that we set up in the Force reassured me that we
walked in the Light, but still I was uneasy.
I could see that he sensed my worry. He took my hand in his
and pressed a kiss into the palm and then bit gently on the
base of my thumb. I curved by fingers around his cheek. "I do
love you Obi-Wan."
He smiled at me with that grave sensuous look he has. "You'll
see Master. This is meant to be....we are meant to be."
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