Summary: What to do when the Muse abandons you, and Jedi on
ICQ.
Feedback: One can never get enough of a good thing.
Disclaimer: Ben and Kee belong to George. Theri and Benji
belong to me. I have no intention of interfering with George's
racket. Please make all checks and money orders payable to
LucasFilm. If you want to feed the author, send Diet Coke.
Note: As this is in the Mystics Universe AU, "Kee" is Qui-Gon,
Ben is Ben.
"Understanding does not cure evil, but it is a definite help,
inasmuch as one can cope with a comprehensible darkness." --
Carl Gustav Jung
"Damnit, you little menace, where the hell are you? Eleven
months of beating on my head night and day and now pfft!
yer gone?" I pushed open the door of my closet and peered
inside cautiously. Two old printers, an old computer case, my
Dr. Who scarf and two dresses I've never worn looked back at me
in mute confusion. There were several pairs of old shoes
scattered about the floor as well, silent testimony to the
little green monster who habitually swung from the closet bar
all night, yelling out scandalous jokes about Liam Neeson in my
general direction. The little green monster in question,
however, was inexplicably absent.
I checked under the bed, coming up with my TPM novel, several
books on Buddhism and a coffee cup with something growing
inside it. But no Little Green Monster.
I looked in the other closets. Vacuum cleaners, a motorcycle
helmet, and the four dozen empty three liter bottles I'd
intended to store water for Y2K. But no Little Green Monster.
"This is getting ridiculous," I muttered as I made my way back
to my office and my computer. I sat down and leaned on my wrist
pad, ran my hands through my hair. I was starting to get
seriously worried. The little nit had disappeared a week before
and hadn't been heard from since. It was bad enough I had a
Muse that enjoyed driving my mind around like Starsky and Hutch
after the bad guys. But then he had to go and crash it into a
wall. Yep. I was seriously and undeniably Blocked.
The Road Runner's "Bee-Beep!" sounded from my computer and I
hit the flashing Note icon on the tool bar. Someone was ICQing
me.
-----
From: Imp
To: Tilt
What's wrong?
-----
I gave out a gusty sigh. It was Ben. Since discovering ICQ
some months back, Kee and Theri and Ben had taken to sending me
ICQ messages whenever they felt something amiss. As I am not
telepathic it was the closest they could come to Sending to me.
Plus they now had Benji, so at least one of them was awake at
any given time. A four month old baby will do that, y'know...
-----
From: Tilt
To: Imp
Nothing. The Little Green Monster is gone. I can't write a
word. I keep trying but nothing's happening.
-----
A moment later my computer beeped again and began initiating a
chat session.
-----
KJinn: Are you all right?
Tilt: Yeah. Sort of. I guess.
KJinn: No you're not.
Tilt: grumble.
KJinn: What?
Tilt: Eleven months going strong, then he disappears. I know
I've complained, but now I feel ...empty. The spirit is willing
but the words are gone.
-- "Mystic" joins the chat. -- "Imp" joins the chat.--
Mystic: You've had a rough time since Year's Turning. Do you
really expect your mind can operate in a vacuum?
Tilt: I've been 'operating in a vacuum' as you call it for 11
months now. What's so different now?
Imp: No you haven't.
KJinn: The difference is, you had a choice in it before. You
chose to be alone. For several months now you've tried
to reconnect to your friends but have been unable to do so. You
have truly been operating alone. And you've always known the
depression interferes with your writing talent.
Imp: You're not the lone wolf you think you are.
Mystic: "The Light are mighty and can endure their
manifoldness. For like the Forces they abide in solitude,
parted one from the other by immense distances. Therefore they
dwell together and need communion, that they may bear their
separateness. "
Tilt: (rolls eyes heavenward) Now you're even quoting the Book
of the Force online!
Imp: She's got her function keys programmed with all her
favorite sayings. Push Button Guru.
Mystic: (whaps lifemate)
KJinn: Nevertheless, the thought is valid. You have been
withdrawing, Tilt. This is not good.
Tilt: It's not withdrawing. It's doing my own thing and
staying out of everyone else's way. I've had twenty years
practice amusing myself. I've just run out of steam, that's
all.
Mystic: Denial ain't just a river.
Imp: (jumps in the river)
KJinn: (tosses Imp a rescue rope)
Imp: Oooh, rope! C'mere you! (chases KJinn)
KJinn: (runs!)
Mystic: It's the sleep deprivation. They're turning into five
year olds. They haven't had a conversation involving words of
more than one syllable in weeks.
Tilt: Heh. I'll leave you to it then.
Imp: You're doing it again.
Tilt: Doing what?
KJinn: If we wanted you to go away, we would tell you. And, I
would suspect, so would your friends.
Tilt: Tactful and strategic retreat.
KJinn: Where does 'nice' end and self-preservation begin?
Tilt: How did we get from the LGM to psychoanalysis? I think I
skipped an episode here...
Imp: Because the Monster is part of you.
KJinn: The Monster is the embodiment of your writing talent.
Your writing talent. Part of your mind and soul.
Imp: So if you neglect your psychological needs, the Monster
takes a hike.
KJinn: You've always known this. And you know how to deal with
it.
Tilt: ...there is no way to deal with it at present. I
told you. Everyone's busy.
KJinn: Then the problem will remain.
----------
I jerked up out of my chair and whirled around to the kitchen,
started getting myself another glass of ice tea. Something,
anything to keep busy. Suddenly I saw all too clearly
what might happen. Saw myself sometime in the near future,
staring at a blank WordPad screen, screaming and begging for
the power, just one more touch of the magic, chasing after a
Force I could no longer feel. Could feel already the icy dead
darkness creeping round the edges of my mind. Could see the
endless empty days, staring at that computer screen, watching
the clock on the toolbar tick down the minutes and hours. Not
with a bang but with a whimper. Yes, I've felt this way before.
Yes, I've come out of it before. But there are no promises. It
could all be over with in a heartbeat.
And there was no way to force the power to my own wishes. It
came and went on it's own nickel and in it's own sweet time.
I've tried many times to work through a block like this. It's
like trying to think through mud. It's an effort to type. It
...hurts.
I threw myself back down in my chair.
----------
Tilt: So there's no help for it? All I can do is WAIT?! Just
sit here and do nothing and waste time and wait for the damned
Monster to come back?
KJinn: "Learn to let go of that which cannot be owned, or
which is destroyed by grasping."
------------
"Great, now even Kee's quoting at me," I grumbled at the
screen.
----------
KJinn: You'll see. Perhaps sooner than you think.
--Mystic leaves chat.-- --Imp leaves chat.--
KJinn: Trust me.
--KJinn leaves chat.--
----------
And that was all there was to that.
"Trust me, he says," I grumbled. My cat Boo jumped up on top
of the screen and looked down at me inquiringly. "You are not
the Monster," I said and scritched his chin. "You only play one
on TV."
I looked at my hands on the keyboard, thinking. Eleven months
ago these hands had begun weaving a world. Eleven months ago I
put my life (what there was of it) on hold, cast it aside
willingly, for something stronger than I'd ever felt before. I
trusted the Force and I let it go.
Was it any different now?
*Harken: I begin with nothingness. Nothingness is the same as
fullness. In infinity full is no better than empty. Nothingness
is both empty and full.*
The silence was just as much a part of the Force as the
cacophony. Winter followed summer. Someday spring would come
again.
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