Pleasure Boy - the missing scene (with apologies to
everyone)
Well, they're not mine. They're George's and please Sith he
never finds out about them. This was inspired by Augusta's
Pleasure Boy and a lot of people's favourite quote, but
somewhere along the line a bit of Siubhan got dragged in, as
did quite a bit of Terry Pratchett. For some reason, I persist
in seeing the Jedi Temple as a branch of Unseen University,
which probably means someone should feed me some dried frog
pills right now.
I should add that it's posted with the divine Gussie's
permission, and is dedicated to her, Siubhan Brenda Antrim,
Todd Haynes and anyone else whose excellent work my fevered
imagination may have plundered.
Archive: Hell yeah, just let me know.
Feedback and virtual lynchings to fionnabair@bigfoot.com
It was a typical day in the junior common room of the Jedi
Temple.
Kweer-as Fook, Jedi Master, was ensconced in his favourite
battered leather armchair, engrossed in the leader section of
the Coruscant Times, while opposite him, his long-time colleage
Kan-Y Watch-Too was filling his pipe prior to preparing for his
regular freshman lecture "Voyeurism and the Force".
Most of the tenured academic staff were present, enjoying an
after-lunch rest before the arduous afternoon's lectures or
research began. The regular sounds of the rustling of
newspapers - most of which concealed a copy of Padawan Pets,
the latest edition of which had just hit the newstands - and
the creak of leather patches, carefully force-attached to the
elbows of distinctly tweedy robes, soothed the atmosphere.
In one corner Mace Windu and Yoda were quietly arguing the
ethics of force-assisted bondage, Windu taking the heretical
view that green jello merely stained the sheets and added
little pleasure to the act.
The silence was shattered by Yoda banging his stick on the
ground.
"Wrong you are, colleague of mine! There is no stain, merely
the force. Besides, excellent laundry service do we have.
Handwashing do they offer for those tricky garments."
The entire room sighed in agreement. Throughout the academy,
there was no-one more revered than Yoda, and it was well known
that few had more complex needs.
A Wookiee in a tweed robe growled a question.
Yoda nodded. "True, Hornee Ashell."
He turned back to Windu. "When green jello you have removed
from Wookiee hair, then you may discuss its negative aspects.
But baldy masters need have no fear of such a substance. Fear
leads to suffering, suffering leads to anger, anger leads to
frustration, and frustration leads to pissed-off Jedi Masters.
Much scarier than the Dark Side that is."
Windu inclined his head in acknowledgement of the masterly
argument and set out a chessboard.
The common room returned to its usual peace and serenity,
broken only by the sound of Jedi stomachs quietly digesting the
remains of an excellent lunch.
The tranquility was suddenly disturbed as a waft of perfume, a
flash of kohl-circled eyes, a hint of glitter and a sinfully
sexy body draped in a provocative outfit stalked through the
room like a predatory panther.
As one, the masters all looked up and gulped.
Two minutes later a flustered Qui-Gon Jinn entered the common
room and looked around frantically.
"He went towards the saunas" chorused a dozen copies of The
Coruscant Times, now all carefully placed to hide flushed
faces, lust-filled thoughts and aching erections.
Jinn swallowed and steeled himself for the ordeal of the sauna.
"There is no try" called Yoda helpfully as the tall Jedi Master
left the room. "Only do or do not."
Windu ignored the commotion, studying the chess board.
"Place the video cameras did you?" asked Yoda conversationally.
"In their quarters, in the showers, in the kitchens, the gym,
the gardens, the council chamber and Jabba's palace", confirmed
Mace. "Hot Jedi Humping is going to be this century's
bestseller."
"Tell them not that we made the whole mission up," cautioned
Yoda. "Such an act would lead to the Dark Side."
"Actually Master Yoda," said Mace. "Have you looked at these
offers from assorted slavers?"
"Such an act never could I do" squeaked the green troll.
"Against the Code it is."
He glanced at the datapad Mace was showing him. "On the other
hand," he said thoughtfully. "New roof the temple needs. Hot
tub in my quarters need I. When 800 years old you reach, Jedi
Code you learn to bend."
"Keep me in corsets and fuck-me boots for months this would"
chortled the master as he contemplated the increasingly
hysterical bids . . . .
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