Spoilers: Pre TPM and a minor mention of an even in JA books
Summary: Delves briefly into Qui-Gon mindset on the eve of TPM
and the nature of his relationship with Obi-Wan.
Feedback: Flames, flowers, projectiles, or praise may be set to
BratKatze@aol.com. This is my first SW fanfic, mostly I write
the dark side of Star Trek Voyager.
I am losing him.
Subtly, gradually, so subtly that even he is not aware of it I
am losing my padawan. And as he slips from me I feel the
darkness that hovers eternally on the edge of my soul encroach
that much closer. I have a lost a padawan before, once, to the
dark side. At that moment I thought I could experience no
greater pain. But I was wrong, life has again proven to me that
I am naught but a foolish old man.
For over a decade I have lived with Obi-Wan. Stubborn,
impatient, questioning, beautiful Obi-Wan. I was his master and
he was my student. I guided him, trained him, bonded with him,
and raised him to be Jedi any master would be proud of. And in
the course of that endeavor I gave him my soul. Melodramatic
perhaps, foolish most certainly, for Obi-Wan has become my
life. His triumphs are my triumphs, his joys are my joys, and
his pains are my own as well and this cannot be. For now he
must move on.
I have done my duty too well. The apprentice is ready to emerge
from the master's shadow. It would be a sin to hold him back,
for I sense in him a greater destiny. In Obi-Wan I see the
future of the Jedi order. Prescience is not my gift but I know
this as strongly as I know my own time is passing. Obi-Wan will
one day become perhaps the greatest knight of our order. That
is his destiny, it is not mine.
As his master I owe it to Obi-Wan to let him go. But I find it
hard, for I am a selfish old man who longs to keep his love
beside him. For without our bond of master and padawan I fear
he would have no reason to stay with me. Never has the darkside
been closer, yet never has it been more imperative that I fight
the seduction of its call.
Obi-Wan has grown beyond me. Everyday that knowledge slaps me
in the face with a thousand hurtful stings. I see it in
smallest and most insignificant moments. No longer does he come
to me for advice in all matters. He can now make his own
decisions and mistakes, thank you very much. And while I glory
in his independence and good judgement the dark part of me
feels jealous and unwanted.
I see it in the strength and beauty of his now grown body and
the looks of admiration and desire he receives from those who
cross our path. His is a body I have no claim to, as he is my
student and to press myself on him would be the darkest
violation of our code. Long gone are the nights when he would
chastely share my bed as child afeared of the dark. Now his
slumbers are his own and his pleasures are equally his own. It
is my nights that are tormented with dreams cannot be and it is
I who now aches to be soothed and held.
The change between us has been gradual and it is only recently
that I have been able to put a name to this disquiet that has
been haunting me. Obi-Wan is not even aware of it. Over the
past year he has become more my partner than my padawan. And
though I am still the master, his words and opinions bear an
equal weight to mine in our discussions. Though the final
decisions are mine I have found his wise and practical counsel
to be invaluable. On personal matters he seeks less and less my
opinion and I in return have closed myself off from him. I
cannot explain to him what I feel and so have pushed him from
me.
All masters must release their apprentices and all, I am told,
experience some pain. For some who are bonded elsewhere, the
pain is perhaps less. The fault is wholly mine. In my desire to
avoid a repetition of Xanatos I made Obi-Wan the center of my
life. He has no blame in this, it is of my own doing. I lost
all balance and it is I that must pay the price. For over a
decade Obi-Wan has been my life and I have no clue how to fill
the void I see gaping before me. My life, even my sense of the
Force has become a reflection of his eyes and ever inscrutable
smile. I was alone for so long by choice that once I let
Obi-Wan in there was nothing outside of our bond to balance it.
I have lost all sense of who I am without him. But I will not
let Obi-Wan suffer for my failure.
Tomorrow we will leave for the planet Naboo to mediate a
growing trade dispute. I fear that it will be our last mission
as a team. Upon our return I will propose Obi-Wan for his
trials. He will say he is not ready and he will be right. But I
have nothing left to teach him, what he must learn he must do
so on his own. From beyond his master's shadow he must step to
stand on his own while I must face the darkness of my own fears
and cast he who has become the light of my life from me. It is
the way and the will of the Force -- to do otherwise would be
impossible.
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