Archive: Master_Apprentice, and anywhere else if you'll take it
:)
Spoilers: Yep. That there are. For PM, and kind of the original
movies too.
Summary: It's a bit of silliness. Says it all really. *g*
Feedback: Love it!
Disclaimer: Fine, George. You can own them. See if I care. :(
The sign above the door read:
WELCOME TO THE ANNUAL MASTER AND APPRENTICE DINNER PARTY!
Dark and Light Sides of the Force Welcome!
Two men stepped through the door and into the entrance foyer. A
Butler came running to greet them.
"Welcome the Master and Apprentice dinner party! Now would you
be on the dark or light side of the force?" he inquired.
"Light," Qui-Gon answered. "I'm Qui-Gon and this is my
apprentice, Obi-Wan."
The Butler turned to Obi-Wan.
"Are you planning on turning against your Master and joining
the Dark Side?" he inquired. "Because if you are, you'll need a
black name tag, rather than white." Obi-Wan gave him a pointed
look.
"I'll take the white tag, thank you very much," he said by way
of a reply, and shot the butler a sulky look.
Qui-Gon leaned forward and pulled the butler slightly to one
side.
"You've hit a sensitive spot there," he explained. "I'm afraid
you've mistaken him for that annoyingly cute little Anakin who
does that to him later on. I'm afraid he thinks you're rubbing
it in. He blames me, you know."
The Butler raised an eyebrow to invite further explanation.
"Yes," continued Qui-Gon. "I'm afraid a made a bit of a woopsie
when it came to the Anakin kid." He paused after a snort
erupted from his apprentice. "Made a right idiot out of myself
actually," he continued on.
"Went around and told everyone he was the chosen one, pillar of
the community, bringer of peace, yadda, yadda, yadda..."
"And I gather he wasn't..." said the Butler.
"Nuh. Real shame. Fell for those bloody cute looks he kept
giving everyone. Convinced Obi-Wan here to take him on as an
apprentice, and...well...don't I have pie on my face now!" he
finished cheerily.
Obi-Wan humphed. "Oops, I made a boo-boo which resulted in the
death of my apprentice," he muttered sarcastically, imitating
his Master's tone.
"Um, excuse me," interrupted the Butler. "But how do you know
all this if it hasn't happened yet?"
Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan exchanged Looks.
"Ahh," began Qui-Gon. "You see, the future's the past, but not
really as it's still the future, but you see it's already
happened so we know what's going to happen. Apparently it made
sense at the time." The Butler made an impressive show of
appearing knowledgeable.
"Ah. I see."
"And stop sulking, my Padawan," continued Qui-Gon. "At least
you got to live to a ripe old age. I kicked the bucket, so to
speak, in my prime. Big bloody help you were, by the way," he
added.
"Hey!" exclaimed Obi-Wan indignantly. "Excuse me!
Forcefield! There was a forcefield!"
"Oh yeah, the forcefield" said Qi-Gon with a tut-tut
sound to his voice. "Really Obi-Wan, you're telling me that
I can cut through what was probably a quadruply
reinforced steel door back when we were attacked on our
diplomatic mission, and you can't cut through a wimpy
little forcefield!"
"Well, Darth Maul couldn't either..." he mumbled sulkily.
Qui-Gon gave him a Look.
"'Darth Maul couldn't either'," he said, mimicking his
apprentice's excuse. "If Darth Maul jumped off a cliff, would
you?" he said. "He's a baddie. Note the evil red and
black look he's got going. You're not meant to be comparing
yourself to him."
The Butler gave a stifled chuckle at the misfortune of the
young apprentice, and Obi-Wan spun his head around to glare at
the man.
"OW!"
Obi-Wan spun his head back again to see what was the trouble
with his Master.
"OWWW!! Dammit, Obi-Wan!" yelled Qui-Gon. "Would you be a
little more careful with that braid of yours?! You nearly
blinded me!"
Obi-Wan gave him a badly feigned apologetic look. "A Jedi
Knight does not need sight to perform at optimum ability," he
answered smugly.
"Oh, la di bloody da," replied Qui-Gon. "But at least I now
know you're paying attention in your lessons."
"What do you mean by that?" replied Obi-Wan indignantly.
"I mean, you spend all the bloody time staring at my
incredibly well formed body when you're meant to be
concentrating on your drills."
"OH! Like you can talk!" Obi-Wan retorted. "I've seen
you perving on my cute arse and smooth chest!" "Oh yeah!
What about all that cuddly-feely business you were doing
when I was carking it?! Huh?! HUH?!" "Oh, I didn't see
you objecting! Even on your deathbed, you still
found the time to grope my face and luscious lips!"
"It wasn't a grope! It was a beautiful, touching moment,
thankyou very much!"
"Nice excuse!"
Both Jedi's stood fuming at one another, until a polite cough
broke the silence.
"If I might interrupt," said the Butler quietly, "but the party
has begun inside and I still have a few more questions to ask
you before you enter, to make your night all the more
enjoyable."
"Fine."
"Fine."
It was the Butler's turn to give a Look.
"Now you too, time to kiss and make up otherwise I'm going to
have to place you both on the Dark side of the room. Do you
want that?"
Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon eyes each other.
"'suppose not." mumbled Obi-Wan.
"I do not wish to either," said Qui-Gon.
"Could you possibly speak normally for once in your
life!" burst out Obi-Wan. "What are you, the...the...the bloody
grammar and speaking good fairy?!"
Qui-Gon gave him a Look.
"I believe that, firstly, you can't talk, and secondly
it is 'speaking correctly', not 'speaking good'..."
"Oh, well excuse me, once again," replied Obi-Wan
sarcastically. "What do I know? I'm just your humble
apprentice, and you're my wise Master."
The two Jedi's stopped their argument in its tracks.
"Oh, Master..."
"My Padawan..."
"Oh Master!..."
"Oh, call me that again, Padawan!"
"Master! Oh, Master!"
The two men jumped forward into each other's arms and began
kissing and groping...
"It's not groping, dammit!"
Sorry. The two men melted into each other's arms and began
kissing gently and romantically feeling one another in a
beautiful display of love. A sniffle came from the Butler.
"That's beautiful, that is," he said, reaching for a tissue.
A few moments of silence passed, then...
"Oooo! Is that a light saber, or are you just happy to see me?"
"Reach down and take a guess, my Padawan..."
"Ooo! It's big! And long!"
"I've got two, you know."
"REAL-"
A pause followed whereupon both men looked around to find the
owner of the two big and long ones.
"Ah. Darth Maul," said Obi-Wan, by way of a greeting. "Eeek!"
Another pause followed, this one having an embarrassed feel to
it.
"Um, Master...could you just...let go...get
down...something..."
Darth Maul gave a smirk like only he can, at the sight of
Qui-Gon clinging onto his young apprentice like cat stuck up a
tree. Slowly and through some gentle coaxing by Obi-Wan,
Qui-Gon climbed down off his apprentice and reassembled his
robes in the most dignified manner possible, considering.
The Butler raised an inquiring eyebrow at the incident.
"He killed him," said Obi-Wan by way of an explanation.
"Needless to say, he's been a bit edgy around him ever since."
Darth Maul smirked.
"And stop smirking, you," snapped Qui-Gon, gaining his courage.
"We all know you're evil. It's bloody obvious. No need to go
into any more overkill on the matter."
Darth Maul pouted.
There was a pause.
"Uh," said Obi-Wan finally. "I can't say that was particularly
convincing, actually."
"AArrrrgggghhhh," mumbled Darth Maul.
"Apology accepted."
"Argh."
The Butler interrupted once more.
"Um, and who might you be, other than the one who killed this
gentleman here?" he asked, addressing the question at the
horned man.
"He called me a gentleman, Obi-Wan," mumbled Qui-Gon in the
background. "I'm not always gentle, you know. I can be
quite rough, if I want."
"Oooohhh, Master!"
"My Padawan!"
"Master!"
"Grrrrrrrraaaaaaaaggggghhhh!!"
"Ok, ok, point taken," sulked Qui-Gon, stopping himself in the
process of ripping his apprentice's robes off. "You've already
killed me once, you know. It would just be rude to do it
again."
The Butler interrupted to redirect the conversation back to the
new arrival. "And you are..." he prompted.
"Darth Maul," replied the man. "Grrr."
"Yes. Grrr. Very good," said the Butler, running a finger over
his guest list. "Ah, yes, I see. And is your Master gracing us
with his presence tonight?" "He's busy enforcing his evil
influence over the Council. Grrr. He sends his apologies.
Grrraahhh."
The Butler nodded.
"That's fine, that's fine," he replied. "Here's your nametag.
It's black, so you might want to stick it on somewhere red so
people can see it."
Darth Maul reached out and took the little piece of laminated
cardboard from the butler and examined it. "'Hello. My name is
Darth Maul'," he read.
"Yes, that you are. Very good, very good," babbled the butler.
"Now how about you move on inside and take a seat on the left
side of the room. It's painted black just to make things
easier." Gently pushing the horned man into the main hall, he
turned back to face the two Jedi's. Before he could begin
speaking again, Darth Maul reappeared at the door.
"Yes?" said the Butler.
Darth Maul shot the man a really evil,
I'm-the-devil-hear-me-roar look, and curled his long claw-like
fingers around the man's neck. He opened his jaws to reveal a
mouthful of vicious looking teeth. "What's in the cream-puffs?"
he growled. "It's just that I'm lactose intolerant. Grrr."
The Butler wisely opted against sarcasm or surprise. "All foods
served tonight will be suitable for your...condition," he
answered. Darth Maul gave him a look that could have caused the
Devil to run and hide beneath his throne.
"Thanks. Grragghhh."
He let go of the butler and trudged off back into the main
hall.
After a pause to reassemble his thoughts, the Butler turned
back to the Jedi's once again.
"Now where was I?" he mumbled. "Ahhhh."
The man turned to Obi-Wan.
"Have you killed your Master at any stage beforehand," he
inquired. "For example, thrown him into a endless void of
nothingness to save the life of your son?"
"Sorry."
"That's fine. We're just expecting someone who fits that
description, that's all."
"Not a problem. I'll give a yell if I find one."
"Would you?" the butler seemed overly grateful.
They moved as if to enter, but the butler had one more
question.
"You've got both your hands?"
Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon shook their hands out of the recesses of
their sleeves and held them up for inspection.
"Mine are real," said Obi-Wan.
"Really?" said the butler, interested. "They're quite
impressive."
"Thankyou," replied Obi-Wan. "But I can't take the credit. My
parents made them."
"And you too, Qui-Gon," continued the butler. "You're hands are
so...big...and strong..."
"Mine are real, too," answered Qui-Gon smugly. Obi-Wan rolled
his eyes.
The Butler shook his head as though to clear his thoughts.
"We may enter now," said Qui-Gon to the man, with a little wave
of his hand.
"You may enter now," repeated the man.
"Master!"
Qui-Gon gave his apprentice an innocent look. "Yes?"
"You don't need to hypnotize him. He was going to let us in
anyway," said Obi-Wan. "You're just showing off again."
"I don't show off. I'm a Jedi. I have no need to feed my ego."
"Really? Because I could have sworn you've been hypnotizing
people right and left ever since it didn't work on that bug guy
back where we found Anakin-damn-him-to-hell."
"That's a funny name, isn't it."
"Shuttup."
"And anyway," continued Qui-Gon. "I have not been overusing my
hypnotic talents."
"Oh, yeah?" challenged Obi-Wan. "You got miffed because it
didn't work on bug guy and now feel the need to show off ever
since to make up for that one miserable failure."
"Oh, that was a kick below the belt, that was, Padawan."
"Sorry, Master."
"Padawan..."
"Master!..."
A cough interrupted them again.
"Your name tags," said the Butler. He handed the two men their
tags, both coloured white. "And now, please go in and
enjoy yourselves."
He half-pushed the two Jedi's through the door and into the
main hall.
"And now the fun begins," he mumbled under his breath, as he
shut the doors behind them.
The two Jedi's stepped through the doorway and into the main
hall of the Master and Apprentice dinner party. A quite
extraordinary sight greeted them. As the Butler had informed
them not long before, half the room was painted black and the
other half white. A few drunk Jedi apprentices, robes hitched
above their knees, were jumping back and forth over the line on
the floor, giggling as though it was the funniest thing they'd
ever done. It probably was. Their respective Masters stood
clearly to one side, muttering about "Jedi's these days".
Then there was Yoda who was being carried under the arm of
Anakin-
"-damn-him-to-hell."
Yes. Thank you. Anakin-damn-him-to-hell, like an over-loved
teddybear. On spotting Obi-Wan enter, the little boy gave his
soon-to-be Master a sheepish grin and a
what-could-I-do-but-succumb-to-the-dark-side shrug of his
shoulders.
"YOU LITTLE-"
"Obi-Wan!!!"
Qui-Gon stepped on the back of his apprentice's robe and caused
the man to stop in mid flight towards Anakin and fall flat on
his face with a rather undignified splat.
"But he killed me, Master!!" Obi-Wan yelled indignantly.
"You're on his side, aren't you?!"
"Don't be silly, Padawan," Qui-Gon replied. "You can't possibly
think that I would be siding with the little boy purely because
I hate admitting I was wrong about him and in turn causing
countless numbers of civilisations to be destroyed and you to
be killed, all to get you back for rubbing it in."
Silence followed which had enough tension to send a few
vulnerable Jedi's falling over to the dark side of the room.
"Oops."
Two things happened in sequence. Firstly, Obi-Wan's death glare
at his Apprentice that impressed even Darth Maul, had to be
deflected by Qui-Gon with a split second retrieval of his light
saber. The Force present in the glare went hurtling over to the
dark side of the room, causing the entire side of young Sith
apprentice's to do what could only be likened to bridesmaids
viciously fighting each other for the bouquet.
But that wasn't the end of Obi-Wan's reaction to his Master's
accidental confession. The room fell silent as Qui-Gon took a
step back from his apprentice. Obi-Wan's bottom lib started
wobbling.
"Oh, no...!"
Qui-Gon starting to do a nervous little dance on the spot as he
desperately tried to still his mind to find a way to stop...The
Pout.
"Please...Obi-Wan...My Padawan...there's no need for that! Slip
of the tongue, that's all. Meant something entirely different."
His apprentice ignored him and began Phase Two: Puppy Dog Eyes.
The entire room, dark and light sides of the Force, all sent
waves of sympathy towards the poor unfortunate Master.
"Oh, Obi-Wan...please don't look at me like
that!...Padawan!...Oh, my dear, 'oo adowable widdle baby!...Oh,
wes 'oo are!!...WES 'OO ARE!!"
Darth Maul, the strongest of all the Sith Lords in the room,
frizbied a croissant into Qui-Gon's head in an
uncharacteristically helpful attempt to free the man from his
apprentice's Look. One of the other Sith Masters shot him a
disapproving look.
"Choice of two evils, Lord," Darth Maul mumbled. "I believe it
would be more sickening for us to witness oochie-coochie's
erupting from that Jedi Master, than it is for me to admit to
helping one of the light side of the Force. Oh, and grrr, by
the way."
Meanwhile, the croissant-frizbie had succeeded in breaking the
spell, and a helpful Jedi apprentice had quickly grabbed hold
of Obi-Wan's hood and pulled it firmly over his head and face.
A collective sigh of relief rose from the entire room. Small
sobbing noises began quietly under the recesses of Obi-wan's
hood which Qui-Gon didn't quite manage to stifle before a lady
waitress across the other side of the room felt her motherly
instincts rise up like a bubbling fountain and had rushed madly
towards the apprentice, arms outstretched.
"OOoooooOOO! Come to mummy, 'oo poor widdle boy!!!"
Qui-Gon pushed Obi-Wan's head into his chest, and the noises
stopped. The waitress paused in her tracks.
"Oh. What am I doing?" she asked to the room in general,
shaking her head as though freeing herself from the influence
of a powerful drug. Quickly she turned and returned to her
work.
Meanwhile, Qui-Gon had begun Operation Foot-Out-Of-Mouth.
"You just misheard me, my Padawan," he was cooing to his young
apprentice while stroking the young man's short hair. "What I
actually said was that I'm not siding with him as he's evil,
and of course I'm taking your side as you're my wovewy widdle
snoocky woocky!!! Ah- dammit Obi-Wan, would you keep your head
under your robe for the moment? That's better. Now what
was I saying? Ah, yes. Side with you not him. Yeah. That's it."
Silence ensued for a while, until finally Qui-Gon risked
letting his young apprentice's head out from his hood. A
slightly miffed looking Obi-Wan appeared out from underneath,
but other than that, all had returned to normal.
"Well, I suppose I could have misheard you then, Master,"
mumbled the young man, his pout ready for combat if the
necessity arose. It didn't luckily, as at the moment Darth Maul
did the unspeakable. In years to come they spoke about it
around campfires to scare the younguns. The Sith himself,
killed, mauled, blinded and cut the tongue out of anyone who
even thought of the occasion again. Yet it couldn't be
helped. The power that overcame him at the moment was stronger
than all the combined Force in the universe. He felt it bubble
up inside him like a tidal wave. He looked at the room. He
looked at the people. There was no stopping it. He was overcome
with the irresistible urge to...
"CONGAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!"
A party hat mysteriously manifested itself over the horns on
his head, and off he strutted, kicking out a leg every forth
step, while singing 'dada dada da DA!' all the way. Right
through the entire dark side of the room he traveled, picking
up various masters and apprentices on the way, until the only
way the line could continue multiplying would be to cross over
to the light side. Darth Maul stopped at the line, his feet
still moving and kicking to the music. As is always the case
under such circumstances, half the line careered into those in
front of them and a pack of dominoes threatened to be used as a
simile. A moment of indecision rose inside the Sith apprentice.
Never before had he encountered such an emotion. He had raided
and slaughtered countless civilisations without a single
feeling of remorse or doubt, but now... Now was different. He
had to make a decision that could affect the rest of his life.
A battle began inside his subconscious- the life-force of the
conga-line pitted against the pure evil that was Darth Maul's
mind. All throughout the battle, his body stamped and kicked
his feet along to the music, while the soft 'dada dada da da!'
was barely audible. Finally, a victor was declared.
The Sith's head snapped back as the decision was made. Darth
Maul, the most evil, malicious, feared-by-the-devil-himself
Sith Psychopath in the entire universe, stuck his right foot
out and stepped over the line to the Light side of the Force.
There was a shocked silence as the entire room's occupants,
conga-line included, realised the ramifications of the move.
Darth Maul glared at them, one and all.
"Oh, bugger the lot of you," he said, and conga'ed off towards
the nearest impressionable Jedi apprentice he could find.
Five minutes later, there was no one who'd escaped the grips of
the evil that was...The Conga Line. One huge, foot-stamping,
dada singing line curled its way around the tables in the room
like a giant serpent, or more accurately, a centipede.
"Oh, Master..."
"Padawan!"
"Ooooooohhh, Master!"
"My, Padaaaaaawan!"
Darth Maul snapped his head around to shoot a glare at number
34 and 35 of the conga-line who were currently conga'ing rather
close to each other, the Master thrusting his hips into his
apprentice in front, every four beats.
"GRRRRRRRRAAAGGGGHHHHRRRRRRRRRR!!!" Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon looked
up guiltily. Darth Maul gave hand motions to suggest they back
it up a little.
"No one interferes with the Conga line!" he growled.
And one went the music...
WILL THE CONGA-LINE EVER BE DESTROYED?
WILL DARTH MAUL EVER REGAIN HIS MARBLES AND RETURN TO THE DARK
SIDE?
TUNE IN NEXT TIME, SAME JEDI-SETTING, SAME JEDI-SERIES...
Around and around twisted the conga-line, Darth Maul leading
the kicking, singing bunch, until...
"MAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUULLLLLLLLL!!!!!"
Maul's head snapped to the side and the spell was broken.
"Master!"
The Sith quickly pushed the hands of the Jedi behind him off
his hips, and did an impressive attempt at pretending he'd
never seen any of them before in his entire life. Sidious
glared.
"What were you doing?!"
Maul took a long hard look at his Master, and thought honestly
was the best policy. Then he remembered he was a Sith, and
instead decided to lie.
"Uh, I was planning on leading them all up to the roof and
making them all jump to their deaths, Master," he answered.
Sidious gave him a doubting look.
"Even your fellow Siths and basically all who are on the Dark
Side, Maul?"
"Uh, yeah, because you taught me to rise up against all and put
my ambition first," replied Maul, feeling rather smug with
himself for that quick answer. "Grrr," he added to try and gain
some credibility.
"Nice try, Maul," replied Sidious. "You will be punished."
"Awww, but Mas-"
"Maul," said Sidious sternly. "You know that
put-upon-little-kid act doesn't suit you. Care to try again?"
"Ah, you will not punish me because I will slay you in
defiance, grrr?"
"Better. Needs a bit of working on though."
"Grrrahh."
"Oh, no need to sulk, Maul. For an evil Sith Lord
feared-by-all-you-meet, you're rather bad at handling
criticism."
"No I'm not."
"See? There you go again. You won't even admit failure on your
skills of handling criticism. Act like the true grown up Sith
that you are, my apprentice," added Sidious, baiting the horned
figure.
"Grown up?" growled Maul, barring his teeth at his master.
"I'll show you grown up! I'll- I'll- I'm just not going to talk
to you, ever again, you mean man!" he yelled, and turned and
stalked off a few steps before turning and returning again.
"And, grrrrrr, dammit," he added, then stormed off again.
"Maaaaaauulll!! Get back he-"
Before Sidious could begin the next round with Maul, a butler
came running into the room, panting fiercely.
"Everyone! Everyone!"
Darth Maul strode up to the man and grabbed him by the neck.
"Are you daring to interrupt my Master's punishme- Oh- yes,
please, talk all you want."
"I came to warn you all! It's shocking! Hideous! Can't be
stopped!"
"I'm Sith," said Maul. "Nothing is beyond my power."
"Oh, for crying out loud, Maul," said Sidious. "A bloody Conga
line conquered you, not five minutes ago."
"That was a kick below the belt, Master. I will strike you down
someday for that."
"Bet you can't!"
"Can too!"
"Can not!"
"Can too! Can too!"
"Oh, yeah?" retorted Sidious. "Bet you can't if I'm singing
"dada dada da DA!" while fighting you!"
Maul's anger was almost tangible.
/>
"Messa good!"
"Why are you here?"
"Uh, I'ma actually downa here, man."
"Oh, sorry," said Obi-Wan, lowering his gaze so he was no
longer staring a couple of inches above the Gungan's head.
"Nota problemo, man. Everybody does it."
"Yes, right. So anyway - why are you here? This is a master and
apprentice party. NOT a Gungan one."
"Well then, missa need a masta, messa do!"
A sudden, even heavier silence filled the hall. Jedi's and
Sith's are powerful. They're intelligent. And above all,
they're very quick to spot potential trouble when they
sense it. As one, everyone Jedi and Sith alike who hadn't found
refuge earlier, found a sudden interest in studying the
architecture of the ceiling and the walls, and contemplating
shoe brands.
"Whosa wansta apprentice messa?" asked Jar Jar, not quite
taking the hint. He went up to Obi-Wan, who was trying
unsuccessfully to hide inside his Master's robes. The young
apprentice stuck his head out from Qui-Gon's chest.
"Yousa want messa?"
"Uhh..." stammered Obi-Wan. "There can be only two - master and
apprentice, and me and Qui-Gon are kinda together..."
There was a series of immature chuckling around the room,
intermingled with various "yeah, we can here you two being
together through the thin walls...", and other such comments.
Obi-Wan blushed pink and hid back inside his Master's robes.
Jar Jar shrugged his shoulders. "Thatsa okey dockey, man," he
said. He turned to his next victim.
"Why are yousa hiding unda the table?" asked Jar Jar to the two
black boots sticking out from under the table cloth.
The feet didn't move.
"Messa know yousa there," prompted Jar Jar.
"Damn! Grr!"
Maul slowly crawled out backwards and did an impressive attempt
at pretending there was a dignified and evil reason for him to
be examining the underside of the table.
"Will yousa apprentice messa?" asked Jar Jar.
"Uh, er..." Maul did a little awkward dance on the spot and
then spotted a rather funny shaped curtain behind him and
pointed his thumb over his shoulder at it. "Got Sidious...two
of us...grrr..." he mumbled, staring determinedly on top of Jar
Jar's head.
"MISSA DOWN HERA!!"
"Oh, sorry," mumbled Maul before reality seeped back into his
brain. "Hey! You cannot talk to me like that! I am a Sith Lord!
Hear me grrrrr!!"
Jar Jar completely failed to recognize the threat the Sith Lord
posed, and turned around to find another victim. "Oh. Wheresa
everyone gone?"
When nothing happened in response to his statement, Jar Jar
shrugged his shoulders and bounced back to the door. He was
about to walk through when he noticed a little green gnome
statue guarding the door which he was pretty certain hadn't
been there before.
"Is that yousa, Masta Yoda?" he asked, prodding the statue with
his foot. Yoda accepted his disguise had failed, and reached up
to pull the makeshift red-serviette hat off his head.
"Tis I, indeed, Gungan," he said.
"Will yousa apprentice messa, masta Yoda," asked Jar Jar
hopefully.
"Er..." started Yoda before he was interrupted.
"Yousa have no apprentice now, Masta Yoda," noted Jar Jar
helpfully.
"Er...wrong you are....apprentice I have..." said Yoda,
grabbing the arm of the nearest thing he could find.
"Uh, thatsa chair, Masta Yoda," said Jar Jar, confused.
"Ah, a chair it is..." stammered Yoda, holding onto the thing
for dear life. "A chair...I am..apprenticing..." he finished,
not too convincingly.
Jar Jar laughed. "Yousa can't apprentice a chair, Masta Yoda!"
he cried. "Yousa take messa!"
Yoda panicked and as a result, instinctively mind-whammied Jar
Jar.
"Away you go, foul creature!!"
"No. Yousa take messa," repeated Jar Jar.
Yoda tried again, waving his stubby little arm in front of the
Gungan's eyes.
"Away you GO, foul creature!!"
"Why?"
At that moment, Sidious walked up, having suddenly gained a
bout of strength and a Plan. He looked down at Yoda.
"You've got to look at his eyes when you do that. That's why
it's not working," he said distractedly.
"His eyes, I was looking," stated Yoda indignantly.
"No you weren't. It's that bloody point above his head you were
whammying," insisted Sidious. "Everyone does it."
"Ah," nodded Yoda. "Strong in the Force, is this Gungan.
Deflects whammies well, he does."
"So yousa apprentice messa, then?"
"NO! Apprentice you I will not!"
"Calm down, boys," soothed Sidious smoothly. He turned to Jar
Jar and made a huge mental effort to get his eyes to look a
couple of inches down from where they so wanted to stare.
"You would do good on the Dark side. There is much fear you
attract," he said to Jar Jar. "You can have a Master when you
have gone out and talked in that incessantly annoying...I mean,
in that slapstick, amusing manner to everyone you meet from
here to the end of this galaxy."
"Really, Masta Sidious!"
"Yes. Now GO."
Jar Jar bounced out of the room, ears flapping behind him.
Sidious quickly bolted, locked, and piled furniture in front of
the door.
Everyone breathed a deep sigh of relief.
Maul wandered over.
"Master! I have never been more in awe of you than I am now,"
he said. "You stood up to that...creature!"
"Yes, and I would have loved to see you showing your power and
strength, Maul. Must've been hard while hiding under the table,
though."
"GRRR! You were behind the curtain!"
"At least I came out eventually!"
"GRRRRR!!"
"Good, feel the ange-"
"Oh, bugger off."
Maul stamped over to Obi-Wan, stole his drink and sat down
heavily in his chair.
"I thought you weren't talking to me, anyway, Maul," commented
Sidious spitefully.
Maul opened him mouth to retort viciously, then slammed it shut
again and glared instead.
Meanwhile, now the Jar Jar crisis had been finally averted,
everyone slowly came out from their hiding places and returned
to their business. Sidious walked up to Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon.
"Good evening, fellows," he said. "I trust you're enjoying
yourselves tonight."
"Bugger off, Sidious," said Qui-Gon shortly. "We know it's
you."
"I'm not Sidious," insisted Sidious. "I'm Senator Palpatine."
"No you're not."
"Yes I am."
Both parties swapped mind-whammies.
"Yes you are."
"No I'm not."
There was a pause.
Obi-Wan sighed. "You've gone and double whammied yourselves
again," he said, and waved his hand in front of both men.
"Ah. Thankyou, my young Padawan," said Qui-Gon, shaking his
head.
"Anytime, Master."
"Ooo! Anytime, Padawan?"
"Anything you want, anytime you want it, Master!"
"Oh, my Padawan!"
"Oh, Ma-"
Darth Maul strode over and mind-whammied the entire
conversation into silence. Without a word, he turned around and
stormed off again, still in a sulk with his Master.
"Oh, that's mature, Maul" shouted Sidious to the
retreating figure.
Maul turned around and stuck his tongue out.
"Anyway," said Sidious, returning to his conversation with the
Jedi's. "I am Senator Palpatine."
"No you're not. We're not falling for that twice, Sidious,"
said Qui-Gon.
"How do you know I'm not him?"
"Well, firstly," started Obi-Wan, quick off the mark, "you've
been Sidious ever since you entered the room, and secondly why
would you be at a master and apprentice party if you weren't
either a master or apprentice," he finished, with a smug grin
of his face. Qui-Gon gave his apprentice a proud look.
"Well said, my Padawan."
"Thank you, Master."
"Padawan!"
"Mas-"
"MMMMMMMMMMMMMMnnnnnnnaAA!!
The Jedi's turned their heads to give the Sith a funny look.
Maul had a puffcake stuffed in his mouth and was making
vigorous hand motions along with his chewing to express his
desire to continue his train of thought once he cleared his
mouth.
"Sorry," he said finally. "I meant GGGGGGGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRR!!"
Sidious shook his head.
"What did I tell you about eating and speaking at the same
time, Maul?" he tut-tutted.
Maul looked confused.
"Do it as we are Sith and table manners do not apply to us?" he
said.
Sidious glared, being outsmarted too many times that night for
his own liking.
"Damn," he mumbled, and stalked off to the punch bowl.
Obi-wan and Qui-Gon were left standing on their own. Finally
Qui-Gon spoke.
"You know, that man should really try to find his inner child.
It would do him a world of good."
"Yes, Master," muttered Obi-Wan, his expression darkening.
"What is wrong with you, my apprentice?" asked Qui-Gon. "And
remember: the path to the Dark Side is more easily seen through
eyes of anger or resentment."
"Yeah, we know you're wise, Master," spluttered out Obi-Wan
suddenly. "You've got the grey hair thing to elude to that. No
need to show off."
"Show off? Me? I'm a Jedi. I do not show off."
"Oh, you act like Mother Superior when it comes to dishing out
wisdom right and left!"
"I do not, my young apprentice!"
Obi-Wan snorted.
"Oh, please, you could single handedly put the entire
fortune cookie business out of business with the amount of
one-liners of wisdom you dish out!"
"Obi-Wan! You are getting frustrated. The Force cannot flow
through you when you are in that temperament. Clear your mind."
"See!"
"What?"
"You just did it again! You gave me a piece of your wisdom!"
The exasperated Obi-Wan stormed off to their table and plonked
down in a chair.
"Strange boy, my Padawan," said Qui-Gon absentmindedly to the
room in general. "Though he will learn one day that to control
one's emotions is to follow the path of the Light Side."
"AAHHHHHHHH!!!"
...And the band played on.
Finally, a move was made as Maul decided to wander over to
Obi-Wan's table and plonk down, offering the Jedi some spiked
punch he has just levitated off the far table.
"We don't need them," he said decisively, taking it for granted
that the young Jedi knew he was referring to their Masters.
Obi-Wan looked over at his new companion.
"Really?" he said.
"Yeah. I think we should make our own...uh...group."
Obi-Wan considered this.
"Yeah!"
"We would be neither Jedi's nor Sith!" continued on Maul. "We
would be...uh...Jith?"
"Yea- err...Jith?"
"Ok, maybe Sedi?...Sidi?...Jeth...?"
"Actually, on second thoughts, maybe Jith is the best one..."
said Obi-Wan as diplomatically as possible.
"Ok, so it's just a working idea," mumbled Maul, "we don't have
to stick with it."
Obi-Wan breathed a sigh of relief. Maul thought it was time to
change the subject.
"You know, it's not like we need our Masters!"
"Yeah!"
"And they never listen to us!"
"Yeah!"
"And we can never do anything right, in their eyes!"
"Yeah!"
"We're just as good as they are!"
"Yeah!"
"Would you stop just saying 'yeah'?!"
"Yea- ok," said Obi-Wan, momentarily caught off guard. He'd
just begun getting into the spirit of it all. "Well," he
continued, deciding to carry on the Master-bashing aspect of
the conversation. "My master never seems to ever pay me
compliments!"
"Yeah!"
"I mean, oh sure he'll compliments my shapely behind,
and firm body-"
"Yeah!"
Obi-Wan paused.
"Really? You get that too?"
Maul snapped back to reality and contemplated the image of
Sidious flirting with him. Obi-Wan had the bad luck to catch a
snippet of the mental image.
"Urrrggghhh," they both shuddered in unison.
"So anyway..." continued Obi-Wan. "He never compliments my
Jedi abilities."
"Yeah!"
"It's always, "You're just my Padawan and I'm your all-knowing
Master..."
"Yeah!"
"My Padawan..."
Both Apprentices snapped their heads around.
"Master!" exclaimed Obi-Wan.
"I don't think you're just my Padawan, Obi-Wan."
"OOOHHH, master...!"
"You're so must more then just my Padawan!"
"Master!!!"
"GGGGGRRRRRRRAAAAHHHH!"
"Ok, Maul. We know your feeling on the matter," said Obi-Wan,
put off. The distraction had given him time to let his brain
take over the thinking in his body. "Hey!" he said, turning
back to Qui-Gon. "I'm not going back with you unless you
promise not to get all wise and all-knowing with me any more."
"But I'm your master, I have to!"
"No you don't!"
"Yes I do! How else will you learn?"
There was a pause as Obi-Wan considered the logic of that.
"Well...er...you could do it...oh shuttup!"
"That's not an answer, my Padawan."
"Yes it is."
Qui-Gon paused. His apprentice must really be annoyed if he
didn't respond to the use of the 'my Padawan' phrase he like so
much.
"Err, Obi-Wan, you did hear me didn't you, my Padawan?"
"Yes, I heard you, Master."
Damn! thought Qui-Gon. So he couldn't rule it off to earwax.
"Oh, Ok," Qui-Gon finally resigned. "I'll try and cut back on
the wise comments."
"That'd help," pouted Obi-Wan. He was still playing hard to
get.
Time for Phase Two, thought Qui-Gon.
"Have I mentioned recently how adorable you look when you pout,
my dearest Padawan?" he said, trying a double tactic.
A slight blush was all that revealed the young man had heard
him.
"Those full, luscious lips..." continued Qui-Gon, moving closer
to his apprentice. "Those strong arms...firm muscles...My! You
are just the epitome of beauty!"
Obi-Wan could hold back no longer.
"Oh, Master!' he gushed. "Do you really mean that?!"
"Of course I do, my young Padawan," replied Qui-Gon. "Now how
about you let me admire that extraordinarily amazing body of
yours...in intimate detail," he said with a wink. "I think I
saw a storage room back there somewhere..."
A serious look covered Obi-Wan's face. "Actually there's no
storage room, so how about we forget that and you can just drop
me back to my apartment in the student quarters."
A moment of worry flashed over Qui-Gon's face.
"I thought you'd forgiven me, my dearest Padawan," he said. He
gave his best
I-want-to-get-laid-tonight-so-you-better-fall-for-this pouty
expression.
"Welll..."said Obi-Wan slowly, his expression unreadable. "You
could come up for a cup of coffee or something..."
"I don't drink coffee," said Qui-Gon sadly.
"That's ok. I don't have any."
Obi-Wan's face broke into a sly smirk that he doubled with a
meaningful look for further emphases. Qui-Gon opened his mouth
to inform his apprentice that it was mean to tease one's
elders, thought better of it as it would have sounded
suspiciously wise, and instead hefted his apprentice over his
shoulder in one swift moment and rushed out of the room.
Staring after the two quickly retreating Jedi's, Sidious and
Maul shuddered in disgust.
"Ahhhhh!" yelled Maul reflexively, who hadn't noticed Sidious
had wandered up until that point. Sidious gave him a
disapproving look. "I mean GGRRRRRRR, you bastard!" said Maul
quickly. "Don't sneak up on me like that. Grrr."
"Damn Jedi's," muttered Sidious, ignoring his apprentice while
still staring at the two small brown and beige dots in the
distance.
"Damn yeah!" muttered Maul in return, blushing pink ever so
slightly as Sidious gave him an
'interesting-change-of-tone-Jith- boy' look.
Maul had the decency to look even more embarrassed.
"So are you ready to return to the Dark Side yet, my
apprentice?" asked Sidious, after a small pause.
"Uh, jeez...let me think," pondered Maul in a mock show of
thought. "Bugger off!"
"You're being immature, Maul."
"Well, you're being mean to me!"
I'm a Sith, Maul. We're all meant to be mean!"
Maul pouted. For the second time that night, it wasn't
considered the most successful facial expression he could pull.
"I will not follow you back to the Dark Side!" he yelled
instead. "I would rather kill you in a hideously painful way,
slowly tearing you limb from limb. I would rather DIE!! I would
rath- Oh! More cream puffs!"
Ignoring the dramatic speech he was in the middle of, Maul made
a mad dash across the room, jumped neatly across the line
separating the Light from the Dark side, and sauntered over to
the newly arrived cream puff platter.
After shaking his head martyredly for a moment, Sidious strode
over to the Dark Side of the room to join his apprentice. He
tapped Maul on the shoulder. The Sith turned around, his face
covered in cream blotches, producing what would have been
called "Composition in Red, White and Black", had it been a
modern painting, and in fact not his face.
"Mmm Mmm?" said Maul, unintentionally spitting out cream in the
process.
"Don't eat with your mouth open, boy," criticized Sidious. "And
yes, I realise we're Sith and table manners don't apply to us,
but that doesn't mean I need to see the first stage of you
digesting your food." He paused as he tried to remember what he
was originally intending to say. "Oh, yeah. Ha! I knew you
couldn't stay on the Light Side, by the way."
"MmmMMmm MMm Mmmmm MmMMMmmMMm Mmm!!"
"Don't think I don't know what you said then, Maul," said
Sidious with a glare. "And apart from the fact that isn't
anatomically possible for any species I know, I suggest you
watch what you say around me if you're planning on becoming my
apprentice again."
"But I don't want to be your apprentice!" snapped Maul, his
mouth finally clear.
"Yes you do!"
"No I don't!"
"You do if I bloody well say you do!"
"No I don't!" shouted Maul. "Grrr! If there was a convenient
pit of doom right here in the floor, I'd pick you up and throw
you down it!"
The room suddenly filled with a heavy silence.
"What. Did. You. Say. Maul?"
Maul had the common sense to take a step back.
"Oh. You're still a little touchy about that, are you?" he
managed to mutter.
"Touchy?" said Sidious, his voice sounding even more dangerous
than before. "Touchy? Why would I be touchy?! Just
because that dammed little bloody supposedly loyal bloody Darth
Vader bastard future bloody apprentice of mine goes and chucks
me to my death - oh, no, I don't see why I should be
touchy about that!!!!!"
Maul tried to make a run under the table for the second time
that night, but Sidious caught him with the Force. Half a
second later, he caught him by the ear for further emphasis and
embarrassment.
"You are coming with me, my apprentice, and you are staying
with the Dark Side, or by golly, you're not getting any desert
tonight!!"
"What??!" screamed Maul. "But you promised that if I
slayed an entire civilization that I could have
hundreds-and-thousands on my icecream!!! You bastard!!!!!!!!!!"
Maul lunged at his Master, claws extended and pointed teeth
gnawing viciously. Unfortunately for him, a spot of cream on
the floor that was a result of his previous messy eating,
caused him to slip and fall flat on his face.
"It's always enjoyable when a serious conflict is resolved with
a slapstick accident," commented a nearby Sith apprentice to
his fellow friend.
"Why does that sound familiar?" whispered the friend.
"I think I read it somewhere...dunno..."
Their highly important conversation was at that moment
interrupted by the outcome of the not-quite-fight-to-the-death
battle between Master and apprentice. Having grabbed a whinging
and complaining Maul by the ear, Sidious stormed out of the
room, snatching a cream puff on the way to spite his apprentice
further.
Silence filled the room as everyone paused to see if any
further action was going to unfold.
A small sound of crying began, slowly at first, then it grew
louder and louder. Everyone turned as one to take in the sight
of cute little Anakin-
"-damn-him-to-hell."
Excuse me, Obi-Wan. You've already left this story, so shut up.
Ok, so cute little Anakin-damn-him-to-hell is blubbering like
only cute little kids can. Finally, Yoda took pity of the young
boy, who he felt a strange protective nature towards, possibly
due to the height similarities-
"Mean that is! Size matters not, I say!"
Whatever you reckon. So anyway, after reaching the boy, Yoda
put his arm around him and said a few "there there"'s in the
hope that that would work. Unfortunately
Anakin-damn-him-to-hell once again mistook the Jedi Master for
a teddybear and quickly snatched him up and tucked him under
his arm, pouting cutely as he did so.
"Want my mummy," he blubbered, and without waiting for an
answer, wandered towards the door.
"Hey! Me you will let go of! Down you will put me, now!"
screamed Yoda from under the boy's armpit. Suddenly his little
green nose screwed up in distaste. "Ewww! Odour of your body,
like a dungpile!"
Anakin-damn-him-to-hell paused.
"Silly teddybear," he said cutely. "I don't smell. I'm a cute
little boy, so I can't."
"Smell like a Sith, you do!" continued Yoda. "Clouded your
future is no more! Jedi you cannot be, if body odour like this
you have!"
"Heeeeeeeeeeeeyyyyyyyy!! Grrrrrrrrrr!!!!" yelled a faint voice
in the fair distance. "I smell like a fresh Spring morning,
I'll let you know!!!"
And with those immortal last words, the blob in the distance
that was Maul, and the slightly bigger blob in the foreground
that was Anakin-damn-him-to-hell, disappeared from sight as a
helpful butler closed the door firmly behind them.
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