Summary: In this case, that Thing That Didn't Happen did.
Thank you: To Destina Fortunato for superb beta.
Disclaimer: These gorgeous Jedi belong to George Lucas, not me.
Feedback: Well sure, to kimberlite@cox.net
I feel adrift. Too much has happened, too quickly, and only now
am I able to reflect. I hurt. Deep inside my mind, where you
were always a calm, loving presence, I feel raw agony. It
wasn't supposed to be this way. I'm not sure I'm strong enough
to accept this.
I smooth your hair, tug gently at your cloak, trying, this
final time, to lay out a perfect image of Jedi serenity.
Serenity. My mind shies from the concept. I don't know
if the cacophony of my thoughts can ever again settle into a
calm, even flow. How can they, when my anchor has been lost?
But I have to try, have to do my duty to you and the Jedi. Even
though I don't recall the details, I know I have already
notified the Council and seen Anakin safely into Amidala's
care. I've begun my final duty to you, here in this domed
chamber. I will wait with you, stand vigil until the fire is
lit and your body is no longer mine.
You look so beautiful. But the flesh is only a shadow of the
deeper beauty of your soul. I cast myself out into the Force
once again, searching in vain for the unique feel of you. I am
overwhelmed by my loss.
It's not fair. I sound like a child, but right now I don't
care. What happened to "there is no death, there is the Force"?
I believed. Trusted that you would still be with me in the most
important way. But I am alone, and in pain.
I want to rage against this cruel destiny, strike out with my
pain. I am horrified by these feelings. I must control them,
seek a calm center, accept what is.
But I cannot. How can I lose you now? We were at odds. Amidst
the conflict of this mission, we failed to listen to each other
until the last. If only I'd known how fragile and fleeting our
time together would be, perhaps then I would have told you.
Perhaps neither fear nor the Code would have stopped me from
declaring my love for you. I always thought there would be time
for us. After I became a knight, after your sacred duty as my
teacher was fulfilled, we could explore these feelings.
I feel cheated. Never to touch you, kiss you, feel your touch,
your kiss. I have never wanted anyone in this way but you. Now
I will never know the joy, the passion, the pleasure of our
union. I lean down and gently, reverently kiss your lips, but
you are not here. I am alone.
I don't want to be alone. I want to be with you.
I slump to the floor, leaning against the stone altar that
holds you. The rock is cool against my face. Concentrating, I
feel the Force radiating from the marble and think of you. You
always had such a strong connection to the living Force. You
could see its patterns everywhere, even in the rocks. I sink
into the currents of the stone, looking for you.
I focus on the microscopic. I see the complex physical bonds
holding the chemical elements together in a beautiful crystal
structure. Calcium, carbon, oxygen, each tiny atom held in
place, combined with billions of others to create the massive
stone. I feel millions of years recorded in the rock. I go back
to the beginning, to the ancient ocean where the limestone
formed.
I feel the incredible heat of magma, rising up, intruding into
the crust. The heat of the magma changes the limestone,
recrystallizing it into the coarse grains of marble. It is a
painful transformation, but the resulting texture and patterns
are breathtaking.
I take a deep breath, becoming one with the stone, feeling the
peace of the crystalline form. I release my pain, my grief, my
anger. Your death is my crucible, my Trial. The padawan
metamorphoses into the knight. I will go on. I am not alone,
for I have my memories of you. I have your wisdom, your
defiance, your love. I am your legacy, and I will do you proud.
I feel a gentle touch on my cheek. Startled, I look up but see
nothing. I feel it again, only this time the caress expands,
delicate tendrils of love reaching deep in my mind, soothing
the anguish of the torn bond, rebuilding and strengthening it.
"Master," I whisper.
/ /Obi-Wan./ /
This is incredible. I am overwhelmed by the love flowing
through our bond. It is universal, expanding beyond the
boundaries of my body, enveloping planets, stars, galaxies
throughout the vast expanse of space. We are one in the Force,
infinite, eternal. We are together, two souls coalescing in one
body. We are transcendent. I rejoice in the knowledge that I
will never be alone again.
Now, feeling this unfathomable connection, I feel petty asking,
"Master, why couldn't I feel you before?"
/ /You had to work through this yourself, my Padawan, choose
life. And I needed time to adjust to this new existence./ /
I look outside my mind to see him, luminous, shimmering blue
and transparent before me, a most precious sight. I reach out
to him, but he is insubstantial. I try not to be too
disappointed, but he feels it anyway.
/ /Give me time, I may be able to solidify occasionally. While
our mental connection is indescribably wonderful and intimate,
I would be delighted to share a more physical connection with
you as well./ /
I grin, unable to contain the love I feel for this man. It is
unimaginable, but I have gone from the depths of despair at his
death to the heights of ecstasy at our rebirth.
It is evening, and I am finally able to find a quiet moment
after the celebration. Events have unfolded around me -- Master
Yoda knighting me and granting me Anakin as my padawan, the
funeral pyre and the lingering, dark threat of the Sith, the
victory parade. I have managed to maintain my air of Jedi
serenity, but inside I am jubilant.
Standing on the balcony of my room, I hear the sounds of the
city drift by on the wind. I am at peace with the night, the
stars. A hand touches my neck, rubbing up into my hair to the
place where my padawan braid is absent. It still feels like it
is there, the weight of a phantom braid settled on my shoulder.
Slowly I turn to face my Master, my love. His eyes burn into
mine with a simmering hunger. I catch my breath as he leans
toward me. His lips are warm and solid on mine, and I moan into
his mouth, gratefully accepting his touch. Strong arms close
around me, gathering my smaller body into his powerful embrace.
"I can feel you," I say huskily, wrapping my arms around his
massive body.
Qui-Gon laughs at the intent look on my face. / /Yoda had some
rather helpful suggestions./ /
I smile and press my head onto his chest. He is warm, his
heartbeat is steady and his unique scent teases my nostrils.
Oh, how I want to surrender myself, heart, body and soul, to
this man.
Qui-Gon senses my desire, and his growled response is primal. /
/Mine./ /
"Yes, Master, yours."
Moments later, I stand beside the bed, naked in front of
Qui-Gon. His eyes roam over my body, and I feel intense waves
of emotion pouring from him into our bond. I feel his pleasure
in my form, his desire to join with me, his hunger for our
shared pleasure, his boundless love. I am trembling in the face
of such emotion.
Then, in the blink of an eye, his clothes are gone. We face
each other, naked and aroused. My knees go weak with a strange
combination of lust and uncertainty.
/ /I won't hurt you, love./ /
I nod, stepping closer, allowing our bodies to fit together,
smooth and firm, flesh to flesh. Our lips meet, mouths opening,
kisses deepening as our bodies rub together urgently. I am
awash in sensation. I ache deep inside, an emptiness that only
Qui-Gon can fill. "Please, I need you now," I whisper into his
mouth.
We move onto the bed and I feel his weight, heavy, solid upon
me. His kisses descend down my neck, nibbling along my
shoulder. I jerk helplessly as his teeth close delicately
around my nipple. Unconsciously, my hands move to his head. I
run my fingers through his hair, untying the thong and combing
out the long strands.
He has resumed his downward motion, tickling my navel with his
tongue. His large hands close around my thighs, spreading and
stroking my legs. He looks up and his glimmering eyes meet
mine. I stop breathing for a moment as his mouth closes around
me. I instinctively thrust into his warm, moist mouth, but his
hands hold my hips steady. His tongue is sending incredible
pulses of pleasure straight to my core. My stomach tightens as
his mouth sucks me deep.
Before I completely lose control, he pulls back, gentling me
with light touches. When I am calmer, Qui-Gon slips his hands
beneath my bottom, caressing and spreading my flesh. He eases a
finger into my opening. Frictionless penetration, yet he feels
enormous and my body clenches tight around him. I take a deep
breath, relaxing tight muscles and am rewarded by a burst of
pleasure.
"More," I cry, my need escalating.
Two fingers. Three. I am beyond rational thought.
Instinctively, I reach out to Qui-Gon along our bond, seeking
my anchor. Amidst the maelstrom of our passion, he is there,
holding me, protecting me from the storm.
"Take me, Master. Take all that I am, all that I can give."
Excruciatingly slowly, Qui-Gon moves into me. I flow around
him, welcoming his possession. He thrusts into me forcefully,
over and over. Together we revel in the power of our joining,
simultaneously carnal and ethereal.
We reach a perfect moment in time. We are intertwined, not just
our bodies, but our souls. We are pure energy, swirling within
our joined bodies, a mystic aurora building to a cataclysmic
release.
We float together, drifting into a nebulous space of
exhilaration and exhaustion. Resisting the pull of sleep, I
open my eyes and see him next to me, my love, luminous and
intangible. I understand now. We have eternity to cherish our
love.
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