Archive : Yes to Master and Apprentice, SWAL and Qui-Gon Jinn
discussion list.
Category : Hurt/Comfort , AU
Rating : G
Pairing : Q/O
Summary : Sequel to Confession. Qui-Gon's moment of weakness
casts long shadows over him and Obi-Wan. This is a story where
Obi-Wan screams " I can fight a Sith, I can fight an
interloper, but I can't fight your guilt, Qui-Gon"
Disclaimer : George Lucas owns everyone and everything in this
story. Can't forgive him for what he did to my beloved master
on TPM, though. I did the story purely for fun and my all
consuming love for Qui-Gon Jinn. I wrote and display this story
absolutely for free.
Feedback : yes, please.
Many thanks : to my wonderful beta, Louisa F and to Anita,
Angelina, Arthur and Betty for keeping their honest opinions to
themselves and telling me stuff that's totally untrue but
fantastic to hear.
I turn off the tap and lay 2 pain snuffers and a bottle of
Hakkon water on the ledge next to the tub.
40 degrees, the heat reader says. I put my hand into the
water. Just right. Not too hot but with enough steam to send
the aroma from the spiced bath into the air. I inhale deeply.
So soothing. O, do I need to be soothed. I deserve this bath. I
want it to be perfect.
Not least because it will be the last one I take in my life.
I step into the tub and slide into the water, letting it come
over me. Force, it feels great. I am so tired. How can I not
be? My world came crashing down two weeks ago and I managed to
go on for that long. Two weeks. The soul has been gone for two
weeks and the body goes on. Can anyone imagine what a Sith hell
that is? I haven't slept in days. Damn my Jedi training for
giving me such indomitable spirit and well conditioned
physique. Together they keep me going, oblivious to the fact
that the reason for so doing has long vanished. And the worst
part is while I am still going, the pain, the hurt forever tags
along, fresh and raw, unmitigated.
Not anymore. No! I 'll be damned if I have to go on hurting
like this. I'll see to it that the pain and the hurt is put to
rest, even if it means putting this body to rest as well.
I swallow the pain snuffers, then open the bottle of Hakkon
water and take a long pull on the potent spirit.
My shield is shut so tight that nothing inside gets out.
Master will find out what happens when she sees the timed
message on her comm. There's no reason to put her through my
private hell now until it's all over. That sweet lady. She's my
guilt and my regret. I know this will hurt her badly, but I'm
sure she'd understand when she realizes what a emotional
cripple I have become. She'd tearfully agree that this is the
best thing for me. She would. If she loves me, she would.
I extend my arm and reach out with the Force. A holopic comes
to me. The man in it has long flowing mane tied back behind his
head. Tall and solid like a mountain. Deep blue eyes equally
adept at speaking of mischief or the gravest Jedi teachings.
Broad shoulders wrapped in a formal Jedi robe. Rugged features
framed with that regal silken beard. Lips so hot and sensual
they can trace a line of fire down one's body. Hands large and
gentle that they are as powerful as they are tender. Arms so
strong that...
"Damn you Qui-Gon Jinn! You think you're so superior. You
don't give a damn about anyone else, do you. You big bastard.
You think you can bang me once and then throw me into the
garbage heap. You and your foxy little twink. I hate you.both!"
I find myself hissing and yelling at the holopic.
Tears gush out and I begin to sob spastically. O Force, it
hurts. Why do I have to fall in love with him? Why? Force O
why? I couldn't believe my luck when the Council ordered me to
accompany Qui-Gon Jinn on a mission to Veja 7. That Obi- Wan
Kenobi having come down with something. I have had a crush on
Master Qui- Gon ever since my days as an initiate. I couldn't
get near him cos he was always with Obi-Wan. But there on Veja
7, there's just him and me. We were a beautiful team. I worked
my socks off to impress him. And then I flirted, I seduced, I
gave it everything I got. He wouldn't be moved and kept his
distance. But I hung in there and finally one night I got him
drunk on Hakkon water and into bed with me. O, What a night.
Love from a God. Can I be blamed for falling in love with him
after that night? Can anyone be blamed for falling in love
after tasting intimacy from a God? Not even a Jedi has that
abstinence. But what did he say the morning after, that stuck
up patronising hypocrite, he said it was the Hakkon water, he
said his heart had always belonged to someone else, he said we
wouldn't go further than that one night, he said he was sorry.
For the Force's sake, SORRY! I was head over heels in love and
he was sorry. Sorry, huh, I'll show you sorry, Qui-Gon Jinn.
My palm opens and the light sabre flies into my hand. I
activate it and modulate the blade length to the minimum. A
green dagger humming in my grip. I grin. Silly me. What are the
pain snuffers for? Doesn't the pain of rejection, of having
tasted love once only to lose it forever pale everything else?
I wrap a tendril of the Force around my wrist to make sure I'll
feel nothing. The green dagger hangs in the air for a second
and then makes contact .
The hurt, the heartache, the bitterness slowly drains out of
me. The water gradually turns cool and crimson...
It was early morning. Not long after daybreak. Qui-Gon Jinn
was meditating at the South Garden of the Temple. He was
kneeling on the lawn and was about to enter into a trance. His
large frame came to a complete still save for the slow and
minute heaving of his broad chest.
Every morning for the last two weeks, he had meditated at the
Garden. Always an early riser, his day usually began at the
crack of dawn. But for the past fortnight, he rose when the
stars still crowded the Coruscant sky.
He hadn't been sleeping well. Not since he returned from Veja
7.
Guilt. That had been what robbed him of sleep. That had been
the subject of all his meditaion.
This morning's was no exception. His meditative trance again
took him back to the very root of his bone crunching guilt.
His moment of weakness on Veja 7. One lapse could touch
another person's life in so many ways, sometimes with frightful
unpredictability. How many of them would cast long shadows only
time could tell. He saw his beloved Obi-Wan, terribly hurt and
broken by his confession, curled into a tight ball, tears
streaming all over his face. Guilt. Obi-Wan loved him so much
that he found it in himself to be forgiving. But their bond
suffered a setback and needed time to heal. Minook, the proud,
flirtatious young Knight who went from infatuated with him to
desperately in love with him after that one night. He had to be
gently turned away. Battered, scarred and bitter. Guilt. Even
now, Qui-Gon cringed at the intensity of passion and longing
that the young knight broadcast after they woke up from the
night they shared.
The Jedi Master centered himself and worked to release his
guilt into the Force. Guilt led to confusion, confusion led to
frailty, frailty led to imbalance. Everything worked in
accordance with the will of the Force. There's no guilt,
there's the way of the Force.
Qui-Gon breathed out gently to round up his meditation as his
holocomm went active. The Jedi Master flicked it open and Mace
Windu's dark handsome face came on.
Before Qui-Gon could begin with pleasantries, Mace got in
first with a sense of urgency, " Qui, something happened, it's
rather serious. Long story. Why don't you join me at the
infirmary. Obi-Wan will meet you there."
Reading from the grave expression of his long time friend,
Qui-Gon knew better than to ask questions that only served to
delay. He crisply answered " Of course, Mace. I am on my way."
While stowing the holocomm, he began a hurried check along his
bond with Obi-Wan to see if he's okay.
Hardly had he stowed the holocomm did Obi-Wan's mental link
came on. << Master, have you heard? Mace sounded like it
was real serious. Is everything okay your end? >>
<<I am fine, Obi-Wan. I am going to the infirmary. I
need to know if you're all right.>> Qui-Gon sent back.
<< Am too, I'll see you there.>>
Obi-Wan arrived at the foyer of the infirmary almost right on
the heels of his former Master. He was, therefore, in time to
catch Mace Windu get hold of Qui-Gon and pull him aside.
Knowing that Mace had important news for his lover, Obi-Wan
stopped some distance away from them and watched intently. The
two began a whispered conservation that's low and intense. Mace
Windu apparently did most of the talking, Qui-Gon's head was at
first lowered because of his greater height and the need to
concentrate. Then all of a sudden, his head jerked up and he
looked at Mace Windu with shock and disbelief. Obi-Wan's heart
clenched as a sense of horror instantaneously flooded the bond
he and Qui-Gon shared. Unable to hold back any longer, Obi-Wan
covered the distance in four strides and was by the side of
Qui-Gon in no time. Mace was just finishing up his debriefing
for Qui-Gon.. Obi-Wan picked up his parting words
" ...the hearing is scheduled for a week from today. That
should give everyone time to settle down. Master Pomu demanded
it. The Council had no choice. Sorry, Qui."
Mace gently squeezed Qui-Gon's shoulder, gave Obi-Wan a deep
thoughtful look, then turned and left.
Qui-Gon didn't move. He was staring ahead. Face impassive.
Obi-Wan reached for his lover's arm and tried to lend support
both through the touch and their bond.
"What happened, Master?" Obi-Wan asked as softly as possible,
although the mention of Master Pomu already tipped him off as
to where this was heading.
Qui-Gon slowly turned his head and looked at Obi-Wan. His deep
blue eyes stripped of their usual sparkle. With a level voice,
he said " Minook committed suicide. They're with him now in the
ICU. He told his master he did it because of me."
Obi-Wan felt a dull hit on his chest. All of a sudden, the air
around him became very thin. That Minook did what he did was
bad enough, but worse was that Obi-Wan had never seen his
former master so shaken. Qui-Gon's legendary Jedi calm was only
just holding now. His face was pale and his look faraway. His
shield was leaking shock and horror.
" O, Master." was all Obi-Wan could managed. Then he
remembered what Mace said before he left.
" What was that about a hearing?"
Qui-Gon closed his eyes for a moment before answering
painfully " Master Pomu demanded I be brought before the
Council because of what happened to her former apprentice. She
thinks I should be held responsible."
" No! That's not fair. She can't do that. No, you did nothing
wrong. What Minook did was his own choice. She can't go around
blaming that on others." Panic stricken, Obi-Wan felt all
protective around Qui-Gon. He knew his beloved had few friends
on the Council. The powerful Jedi Master suddenly looked very
vulnerable to him.
" Easy, my Obi-Wan. The Council will only HEAR what happened
because it involves two members of the Order. It's a house
matter more than anything else. Both Minook and I are adults.
They are not going to do anything to me. Besides, that is the
least of my concerns now. I am really worried about Minook.
He's still out." Back from the worst of his shock, Qui-Gon
regained more of his composure and attempted to sooth Obi-Wan's
nerve.
" Master" Everything needed to be said out loud was said in
that word. Obi-Wan found Qui-Gon's large hand and held it
tight, his fingers interlaced with Qui-Gon's. And while he was
doing that he sent more love and support and understanding
along their bond. Qui-Gon received and returned them.
<< I love you, no matter what, I'll be by your side,
Master.>>
<< Thank you, Obi-Wan. I am so sorry it came to this. I
love you, too. What would I do without you.>>
" I think we should go check on Minook now." The Jedi Master
said.
The medical droid led the way to the ICU. But Qui-Gon and
Obi-Wan didn't need its guidance for the last stretch of the
walk. They already spotted the slim and erect figure of Master
Pomu. She was sitting by Minook's bed. Worries and anxiety
splattered across her face. She looked drawn and wearied.
Minook had tubes and lines coming out of his body. He looked
very pale. But other than that, he seemed to be just sleeping,
almost peacefully.
Pomu must have caught them closing in out of the corner her
eyes. But she made no attempt to acknowledge their approach.
Only when Qui-Gon reached the end of the bed did she raise her
head and gave the tall Jedi Master a look.
And if a look could kill. Daggers flew out of her cold
piercing eyes. She held Qui-Gon in her withering gaze without
saying a word. The venerable Jedi Master held his own and
didn't flinch from her look of hate and fury.
With admirable grace and poise, Qui-Gon gently greeted her "
Master Pomu." When no reply was forthcoming, he went on softly"
how's he?"
Pomu suddenly exploded " What do you think, Master Jinn? When
they found him, he had no blood left in his body. They
resuscitated him two times. His body is in shock, the healers
said he had a fifty per cent chance of living. He said he did
it because you dumped him, because he was in love with you and
you turned him away. He said he couldn't live in a world where
he couldn't be with you. There, that's how he is. Happy?" The
lady Master's voice was breaking midway through her outburst.
Standing a few paces behind his former Master and not the
prime target himself, Obi-Wan still shuddered at the bite of
her scathing words. He knew they had to cut deeply into
Qui-Gon's heart. But the Jedi Master was shielding tightly no
doubt to spare Obi-Wan the agony of sensing him bleeding from
Pomu's verbal scourging.
" I am sorry to hear that. I am deeply shocked and saddened by
what happened. If you believe nothing else, believe this,
there's nothing I want more at this point than to see Knight
Minook well." Qui-Gon 's deep voice communicated care and
sincerity.
It was totally lost on Pomu because she lashed back " What's
that, charity? So the Maginificent Qui-Gon Jinn also has a
heart of gold. Or are you scarred stiff that if anything
happens to Minook, his blood would be on you. You can take your
well wishes, fold them in four quarters and stick them
elsewhere, Minook and I have no use for them."
Seeing that there's little point in continuing with this,
Qui-Gon had no choice but to take his leave. Obi-Wan's heart
went out to his battered but forever gracious Master. A
magnificent Jedi with powers even other Jedi find amazing and
yet he showed so much humility, restraint and perseverance.
Obi-Wan wanted to take the big Jedi Master into his arms and
shield him from Pomu's viper tongue.
" It 's apparent that my presence here only serves to
aggravate you. I ask you to excuse me and Knight Kenobi. If
there's anything at all that we could do, please let us know."
Qui-Gon took a bow and turned to leave the ICU with Obi-Wan.
Obi-Wan couldn't help but admire the older man as he followed
him out of the infirmary. All through the difficult scene, he
never once lost his step but managed exceptional grace, poise
and dignity.
<<I am so proud of you, Master. That was tough and you
handled it so well>> Obi-Wan opened the mental link and
send his admiration along their bond hoping it might lift
Qui-Gon's spirit a little.
<< Thank you, Obi-Wan, you've been a great help. Now
let's just go home. It's been a long long day.>> Qui-Gon
answered almost cursorily. If his spirit was lifted, he didn't
show it. In fact, instead of showing relief that a tough
chapter was over, Qui- Gon displayed quiet resignation. It was
as if the Jedi Master was prepared even to be crucified for
this mess if it ever came to it.
Obi-Wan continued home with his lover with more than a little
unease.
Qui-Gon's sombre mood carried on throughout the rest of the
day. He locked himself in their bed chamber citing the need to
meditate and didn't come out until dinner. All that time, he
was shielding tightly. Obi-Wan became alarmed. It was rare that
his lover was so down and out.
When he finally came out to join Obi-Wan for dinner, he looked
exhausted and listless. His broad frame slump in depression.
Obi-Wan sent him his love and care only to meet and bounce off
his shield. Not finding the silence over dinner companionable
as usual, Obi-Wan attempted conversation. He chose to open with
his observation on Master Pomu knowing that a direct "are you
all right?" would just roll off Qui-Gon's heavy mood and get
nowhere. Besides, that's truly how he felt about the lady
Master.
" I 'd say Pomu was going too far this morning. She had no
right to treat you like that. Where did she get off lashing out
at people without getting all her facts straight." Obi-Wan said
matter-of- factly, just testing the water.
Qui-Gon looked at Obi-Wan softly appreciating the younger
man's urge to defend him. Then with a low silky voice, he said
" Obi-Wan, don't say that about her. It's difficult for her,
too. Judging from her reaction, Minook and her must be very
close. I can only imagine how frantic she must have been since
this happened. I know I would be if, the Force forbids,
something happens to you. I would go all hysterical just like
her if I believe someone should be held responsible. I am sure
you'd feel the same about me, my love."
"I guess you're right, it really hit her hard..."
Happy that the older man finally displayed a limited desire to
talk, Obi-Wan was about to take the conversation further when
the holocomm went beeping.
For the second time in the day, Qui-Gon found himself opposite
to a Mace Windu on holocomm with a grave expression.
" Qui, I'm afraid somemore bad news. Master Pomu has taken
ill. She passed out at the infirmary. But relax. The healers
said it was just exhaustion, anxiety and her weak heart,
nothing medication and a couple of days in bed can't fix.
Minook has no other relatives or close ones on Coruscant. He's
always been sort of a loner. I thought maybe once in a while,
you could drop in and check on him. You know, just be there to
send him healing energy, Jedi to Jedi. Of course, I know the
sensitivity of this matter. It wouldn't be good for him to see
you when he comes to. But the healer said it would at least be
four, five days before he would come out of the coma. Anyway,
the first sign of his regaining consciousness, you could always
leave in a hurry. So it's just for a couple of days til Pomu is
back on her feet. I hope it's not too much to ask."
"Not at all. That's the least I could do. I'll be happy to do
it. But does Pomu know about this arrangement? She might not
approve. " Qui-Gon said non-chalantly.
" Pomu doesn't have to know. I'll make sure you'll be out of
there by the time she's back. I 'll just tell her someone from
the Council is looking after Minook.'' Obviously having
anticipated this one query from Qui-Gon, Mace answered promptly
with conviction.
" In that case, consider it done." Qui-Gon said. He wanted to
add " send our regards to Master Pomu." but knew better and
decided not to.
"Very well. I thank you on behalf of the Council and Master
Pomu. Good night."
<It's never going to end now. It just keeps getting better
and better.> Obi-Wan thought wryly. He didn't like it a bit.
He knew how hard it would be for Qui-Gon to go back there and
be sent on a guilt trip all over again. He was a little mad at
Mace Windu for asking such a thoughtless thing of his former
Master. He suspected the Council was just trying to take
advantage of Qui-Gon's guilt to boss him around.
" Master, I'll go with you to the infirmary. I don't want you
to face that scene all alone." Obi-Wan said with determination.
" No Obi-Wan, I'll be fine. I'll just sit with him for a while
a day. Sending him energy to help him heal. That'd give me a
chance to think things through. If you are there, I'd be
worried about you. I know it's not easy for you, either."
Qui-Gon was equally firm but gentle. " Trust me on this, love.
Now let's finish dinner and go straight to bed. The next few
days won't be any shorter."
A while a day turned out to be a whole day.
At dusk, Obi-Wan's patience was absolutely at its limit. There
was no sign of Qui-Gon. No call on the holocomm. Qui-Gon was
shielding again the whole time so no mental link, either.
Obi-Wan tried to call him up on his holocomm, but it was
switched off. Obi-Wan reached out into the Force and searched
along their bond for traces of emotional fluctuations, but all
he detected was bits and pieces of faint reverberations because
of the tight shielding, not sufficient to tell if something
serious had occurred. It was enough to make Obi-Wan wanting to
pull at his hair and yell. He was fretting so badly because he
knew Qui-Gon was not in the strongest frame of mind judging
from his conditions yesterday. To be around the subject of his
alleged guilt for so long had to be taxing to say the least.
The Jedi Master shouldn't be allowed to take this on all by
himself.
<No, I must not allow Master to be in this alone. It's too
hard for him. He wants to leave me out of this just to protect
me. I must be by his side. Master needs me.> Obi-Wan's mind
was made up and he immediately set out for the infirmary.
By the time he arrived, darkness had already closed. He
dispensed with the guidance of the medical droid and made his
way to Minook's bed. It was well lit because of nightfall.
That's why Obi-Wan could spot it even some distance away.
Through the glass pane, Obi-Wan saw the tall frame of Qui-Gon
seated next to Minook's bed. Then he caught something that
stopped him dead in his track.
Qui-Gon was holding Minook's hand in one of his large palms,
his other hand was gently stroking Minook's hair. There was
always something about Qui-Gon's way of touching that was so
gentle and tender and affectionate. It's one of the Jedi
Master's gifts. Obi-Wan knew that well, he experienced it first
hand day in and day out. And until just now, he had never seen
it administered to someone else.
Panic hit Obi-Wan. He had to leave. He couldn't face Qui-Gon
now that he had seen what he had. And he must not let Qui-Gon
know that he had seen it. It would be...awkward to both of
them. His shield was down dead and tight in an instant.
He turned and fled the infirmary.
On his way back home, his mind was racing. He kept telling
himself it could be a lot of things. Qui-Gon's holding his
hand, stroking his hair. It could be any no of things. There
might just be a perfect explanation for that. But increasingly
it dawned on Obi-Wan that the perfectest explanation would not
suffice. On the range of scenarios from the most innocent to
the most unthinkable, he found he could live with none of them.
The bottom line was, he wanted to scream when he saw Qui-Gon
fussing and hovering over the interloper, someone who tried to
steal the most precious person in his life from him. Obi-Wan
was startled to realize that the jealousy had always been
there. Did he go to the infirmary just to be by his Master's
side or did he want to spy on him a bit as well? Was there
something in him that couldn't stand Qui- Gon and Minook alone
together? Obi-Wan searched his heart and honestly didn't know.
All he knew was that visualising Qui-Gon and Minook together
give his bile of jealousy its path to the surface. It's
surfacing now and surfacing fast and furious.
Qui-Gon arrived home just before bedtime.
Obi-Wan was waiting for him in the living chamber.
The Jedi Master was a pale shadow of the powerful swordsman
and stately diplomat that he usually was. His large frame now a
hefty hulk of tired muscles and beat up tendons. What happened
at the infirmary today took nearly all he had to spare. But he
wasn't too tired to apologize to his love.
"Obi-Wan, I am so sorry. I should have called. But so much
happened at the infirmary. I flipped off my holocomm in the
heat of it and forgot to switch it back on. I apologize if I
got you worried. Minook had a close call today. He went into
shock again and had to be resuscitated. I was terrified and I
spent the whole day feeding healing energy into him. He's in
stable condition now. I guess I just became preoccupied and
lost track of time and everything else. How are you doing? Have
you eaten yet?" Qui-Gon was removing his cloak and tunic as he
recounted his day.
Obi-Wan's emotions were at a delicate state at the moment. It
only took the slightest spark, imaginary or otherwise to set it
alight.
<"Everything else", so I am "everything else" now compared
to Minook.> At that thought Obi-Wan steeled his
determination and said flatly " Master, I don't want you at the
infirmary anymore."
Failing to pick up the nuances behind Obi-Wan's demand,
Qui-Gon again tried to comfort his mate " I told you I'd be
fine. Don't worry about..."
" No, Master, you don't understand. I don't want you at the
infirmary because I don't want you to see Minook anymore. "
Obi-Wan headed off his Master's words resolutely with a deadly
serious tone. This time there was no doubt in Qui-Gon's mind as
to what Obi-Wan meant.
The Jedi Master gave in to a silent mental wail. No, not
Obi-Wan. He had no energy left to deal with his mate's jealousy
now. Too much happened in the short space of two days. An
attempted suicide, the prospect of having to face the Council
for it, venomous abuse from an enraged fellow Jedi, a young
Jedi's life just brought back from the brink, not to mention
the worries, the anxiety, the shock, the stress, the guilt. He
was only a Jedi Master, not a God. He knew Obi-Wan was the most
innocent victim in all this and if anyone had any right to be
jealous or angry, it was Obi-Wan but surely his former padawan
had to understand, at least for now, at least for tonight. He
was just too damn tired.
Qui-Gon's frustration mingled with his extreme fatigue to
produce an answer that would have been against his better
judgement had he been in control of all his emotions.
" Obi-Wan, not now. I am too tired for this." The Jedi Master
made the mistake of simply speaking his mind.
That was enough to set Obi-Wan off.
" No, Master, now! How do you think I would feel? First you
two slept together, then he tried to kill himself because of
you. It's not him I feel threatened by, it's your guilt. How do
I know you wouldn't be guilty enough to treat him as your dying
love. You fussed over him the entire day not even remembering I
was left at home fretting and sweating. How do you suppose I
should feel? I can fight a Sith, I can fight an interloper, but
I can't fight your guilt. It's too strong. Do you understand,
Qui-Gon?" Obi-Wan was practically screaming at the end of it.
Himself on the verge of mental and physical exhaustion,
Qui-Gon had no tolerance for Obi-Wan's uncharacteristic
tantrum. He shot back " And just how do YOU think I should
feel? The young man took his life because I got drunk and took
him into my bed. I am a Jedi. for the Force's sake. I am
suppose to save and protect lives, not to cause them to be
lost. A young Jedi Knight's life is hanging in the balance
because of my weakness. If I feel a bit guilty, I am allowed.
When I saw him at the infirmary all pale and lifeless, he
looked just like a kid to me. A helpless lonely kid. What if my
heart goes out to him a little. Does it mean I love him and not
you? What if I want to take a little care of him just to make
up for what I did, is that so hard to understand? I completely
lowered my shields two weeks ago and proved it to you that you
're the only one, the only one then, now and forever and that I
DON"T love Minook, never did, never will. What else could I do?
What else do YOU expect me to do? What do I have to do to win
your trust back? Tell me, Obi-Wan, just tell me and I'll do it,
whatever it takes!"
Qui-Gon paused to gather himself together. Whatever left of
his Jedi calm from the previous day was totally in tatters now.
His rugged handsome face distorted by the pain and hurt at his
lover's all too transparent lack of faith in him.
Obi-Wan only stared at the older man with a dazed look. He was
stunned by what just came through his bond with Qui-Gon. In the
heat of the fiery exchange, Qui-Gon must have neglected to keep
his shield up or maybe the shield slipped because the older
Jedi was simply totally spent. What Obi-Wan felt was the full
weight of his lover's agony, hurt and suffering. He was
overwhelmed by the crushing load that the older man had been
carrying. The sheer scale of anxiety, horror, guilt, and
pressure that weighed upon the Jedi Master left Obi-Wan
flabbergasted. And he suddenly realized he had just put yet
another cross on the Jedi Master's broad but bleeding
shoulders. The revelation hit him flat in his face.
<O, what have I done?> Obi-Wan sucked in his breath.
" Master!" Obi-Wan threw himself into the arms of his former
Master and began to cry hard. He buried his face in the older
man's chest and grabbed his undertunic with all his strength.
Guilt eating HIM now.
" O, Master, I am so sorry. What have I done to you, Master,
my petty jealousy." Obi-Wan wanted to kick himself for hurting
the man he loved more than his own life.
Qui-Gon was at first taken aback by Obi-Wan's sudden change of
mood and was slow to respond. But gradually he put his strong
arms around the younger Jedi and stroke his spiky hair with
affection and tenderness. His own eyes misted up, his voice
cracking " Shhhh, my Obi-Wan, don't say that. I am the one who
should be sorry. I am just an old fool who can't seem to stop
hurting people left and right."
"You are an old fool alright, one that's foolish enough to
carry everyone's guilt around, and one foolish enough to love
someone as petty as me." Obi-Wan purred a little in between
sobs. He looked up into the older Jedi's deep blue eyes and
wondered how in the universe did he manage to spew venom only a
while ago at this noble, handsome hero of his life.
" I have a confession to make, Master. I went to the infirmary
this evening. But I fled when I saw you holding Minook's hand
and stroking his hair. I guess that's what caused me to...
well, if you will, fly over the aooli's nest." Obi-Wan kept his
face half buried in Qui-Gon's broad chest and murmured.
Obi-Wan's liberal use of imagery made the older Jedi chuckle.
That was enough to give the fatigued Jedi Master a bit of a
second wind and some of his humour returned.
" Ah, then everything makes sense to me now. Don't feel bad,
Obi-Wan. I'd say that's perfectly understandable given the
circumstances. Besides, I kind of like it when you get all
possessive around me. It's very, very good for my ego" Qui-Gon
said with a smirk.
''Which is the size of Coruscant , you big cocky Jedi. But I
love you. I love you so much." Obi-Wan gave his former Master a
bruising embrace that spoke tons of his love.
" Seriously, Obi-Wan, tomorrow, I want you to go to the
infirmary with me. You are my bondmate. I need you by my side.
I should not shut you out at these difficult hours of mine.
It's not fair to you or good for me. Will you?" Qui-Gon asked
gravely in his deep silky voice.
"Nothing pleases me more than to be by your side in everything
you do, Master." Obi-Wan felt so loved and honored by his
lover's request that tears threatened again. He knew Qui-Gon
was doing it for him.
" Master." " Yes, Obi-Wan."
" There's one more thing I need you to know. If you remember
nothing else, remember this. I will gladly die for you. On
Naboo, if you had become one with the Force, I would have been
right behind you. That's how much I love you." Obi-Wan said
almost in a whisper. But there was no mistaking that the
declaration came straight from the depth of his heart.
" O, Obi-Wan, I will die for you, too. I love you, my
Obi-Wan." Qui-Gon was deeply moved. He pulled the younger man
into his arms and brush a tender kiss on his forehead. He was
aware that Obi-Wan was threatened by Minook's act and had to
express his love in terms of sacrificing his life just to
match. Still the Jedi Master knew without a shadow of doubt
that Obi-Wan meant every single word.
"Well, it's been another long, long day. That makes two in a
roll. No wonder you look like how I feel, my Obi-Wan. Let's hit
the bed. We still have quite some way to go. The Council's
hearing could fe anahyer hough fround." Qui-Gon said while
attempting to resist a yawn.
" Which we will deal with together as a team. Between us,
we'll show canon mouth Pomu who owns the sharpest, meanest wit
on Coruscant." Obi-Wan said with mischief dancing in his eyes.
"That's a deal." Qui-Gon chuckled.
The two Jedi went towards their bed chamber with hands
entwined.
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