"Live for my living
Or else I must die
Don't leave me alone
A world heard that cry."
--Brekke's Song
from "DragonSinger" by
Anne McCaffrey
I remember once you told me that nature abhors a vacuum. Yet
this is what you have left in your place.
For all the platitudes and cliches and aphorisms and rules of
the Code, I cannot bring myself to believe that you still live
within the Force. It is a leap of faith I am yet too imperfect
to make. I cannot seem to go on as I know I should. Time simply
has fallen into the pit that nearly swallowed me in the fight
with the Sith. I escaped. You did not. Forgive me, Master, but
I cannot see you now and what my eyes cannot see I cannot
believe.
That one eternal, endless moment when the Sith's red blade
punched through your chest has consumed me as well. My heart
and mind spin about it in a fast decaying orbit. It is the
center of my days now. One moment, dividing forever life and
death. That moment has persisted and I cannot make myself leave
it. Why? Because so long as I live in that moment, you are not
dead.
Childish, I know, but when did maturity have anything to do
with the convictions of the heart?
The Queen and her guards took your body from me, the Council
and Yoda took the braid that should have been yours, the pyre
took your mortal shell. All that was left to me was your
lightsaber and your cloak and the boy you left for me to train.
Your weapon, your mantle, your legacy. All I ever wanted was
your wisdom and your approval, and that can never happen now.
I cannot do this, Master. I cannot go on. I am a Padawan, I
have always been a Padawan. Your Padawan. Your shadow. I do not
want to step into the light that you have protected me from for
so long. What shelter could I possibly give when I am only a
shadow myself?
I do not even know where to begin.
Yet Anakin looks to me as if I have all the answers of the
universe at my command. Forgive me again, Master, but I cannot
bear those pleading blue eyes or the uncertainty and fear that
fill them. It is too much akin to my own and I cannot bear my
own loss much less Anakin's. The void just might consume us
both, and the violence of that extinction would bring time
roaring in again.
How is it I am still able to move and talk and act as if I am
alive?
I know that you have become one with all things in the Force.
But I cannot feel it, Master. My heart is blind and my soul is
numb.
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