Late Night with Mary Sue

by Mercutio (mercutio@europa.com) and Aya (ayajj@aol.com)

SUMMARY: Qui-Gon/Obi-Wan, Mary Sue and Jerry Springer, self-insertion. Profanity, adult topics. Parody, first time (sorta). Mary Sue takes a misbehaving Jedi master to a higher court. The People's Court. (Aka "The Jerry Springer Show".)

NOTE: We have no idea what the talk show is really like; our apologies to any fans of it who we may offend.

ARCHIVE: Please. As often as possible and wherever you like.

"Are you sure this is the right place?" Aya asked.

"Sure, sure," the other woman answered.

"Are you really really sure this is the right place?"

Mercutio didn't look up. "Trust me."

"It's the wrong place."

Mercutio and her padawan, Aya, had gotten together in Los Angeles to attend a taping of the Jerry Springer show. Mercutio had won the tickets through a Yahoo auction, and while 'Hercules And Ares Declare Their Gay Love!; Sorbo and Smith Come Out To Their Castmates' wouldn't have been her first choice had more interesting things been available, it had certainly looked good enough to bid on.

They walked in. The words, "The Jerry Springer Show" were emblazoned across the set.

"See," Mercutio said triumphantly. "It's the right place."

"Luck. Pure luck."

"No. I'm just special." Mercutio took the piece of paper the usher handed her, and started down their row toward their seats. Aya followed her, staring at her own paper.

"Master, why are they handing out safety waivers?" She looked up. "And what are the riot shields for?"

"Maybe Kevin Smith is going to be demonstrating sex with the audience."

"Merc, he's announcing that he's gay."

"A woman can hope, can't she?" Mercutio tucked the ticket into her pocket, where it settled along with two torn tickets to see "The Whole Nine Yards", one ticket to the Cirque du Soleil, and one ticket to "Supernova". In other words, never to be seen again.

Thus it would always remain a secret why she and Aya had shown up for the afternoon taping of Jerry Springer, thus missing the morning taping, where Kevin Sorbo had indeed demonstrated having sex. With Jerry Springer.

The duo started scanning the audience. "I have a bad feeling about this."

Mercutio agreed. "You're right. There's too many women in too many rows in front of us, and we're not on an aisle. No way are we getting in on any sex demos."

"Ssh," Aya said.

Jerry Springer had come out on stage while they hadn't been paying attention. Various crew members ran through last minute tests and checks, and then finally, they were counting down and the show was live.

"Jedi knights. We know them as keepers of the peace, serene role models to everyone. I myself remember playing Princess Leia and Luke, wearing the gold bikini and feeling good about it."

Aya cringed, "TMI."

Mercutio looked around. "Ruth? Where?"

Jerry continued, "But what really goes on behind those temple walls?" He turned to camera B. "That's what we'll find out on today's show."

Mercutio looked at Aya. "Commercial break. Think we should go for popcorn?"

"They don't actually break for commercials when they're taping, they just--" Aya looked up at the set manager who was glaring at her. "I think I'll just be quiet now, okay?"

Jerry looked back at camera A, or rather, the cue cards propped next to it. "Ungrateful Jedi And the Mary Sues Who Love Them Anyway. Today on the show we have Jedi Master Qui-Gon Jinn."

Qui-Gon swept out to much cheering and whistling from the audience. The cheering increased as he bowed. He settled himself into a chair.

After one final wolf whistle, Jerry began. "So, Calgon, tell us a little about yourself."

"Qui-Gon!" came the shout from the audience. The Jedi master grinned and purred into the microphone. "Yes, my name is Qui-Gon."

"Whatever."

"Well, Harry, there's not much to tell." He shrugs, "I'm a Jedi Knight."

"Jerry."

Qui-Gon smiled toothily. "Whatever."

Mercutio and Aya snorted, earning them another glare from the set manager.

"Come on, Qui, there's got to be more to it than that, exotic places, beautiful women..."

"A Jedi does not crave excitement, Jer-Jer."

Mercutio looked at Aya and grinned. Aya looked back. In unison, they screamed, "Weesa love da bombad Jedi master!"

Qui-Gon waved back at them, causing the women in his path to slump swooning in their seats.

"Y'know, they make more of a 'fwoomp' sound than a thud," Mercutio observed.

"They're not standing up."

"Oh, yeah. Right."

Jerry turned to Qui-Gon, "So, you seem to be very popular with the ladies, Master Jinn."

Qui-Gon looked intensely at Jerry and smiled. "Not just the ladies."

The talk show host looked away abruptly. "Ummm... next guest, please!"

He paused for a second as the correct cue card was brought up, and then said, "Our second guest is one Ms. Mary Isabella Moonstone Amethyst Sinead Lady-of-the-lake Umber Topaz Sierra Opal Sapphire Uhura Emerald Mairead Eilinora Sue." Jerry turned to Qui-Gon, "the intern who you seduced, and then abandoned."

Before Qui-Gon could reply, Mary Sue flounced onto the stage, eliciting boos from the audience, and one shout of "Share, honey, share!"

"You bastard!" Mary Isabella Moonstone Amethyst Sinead... err, Sue screamed. "You seduced me, fathered your unwanted child on me and then abandoned me!"

Qui-Gon looked at her calmly. "You're not pregnant."

"And now you have the nerve to deny what you've done to me!" Her large emerald-amethyst-sapphire-topaz eyes welled with tears.

"Um, Ms. Sue?"

Mary turned on Jerry.

"Not literally, I hope," Aya said.

"Ssh, that's narration, we're not supposed to be able to hear it."

"Oh, okay. Sshing."

Mary turned on Jerry. "Who are you to mock my pain?"

"No, really Ms. Sue. We had a doctor confirm it. You're not pregnant."

"Well, I was! And it's his fault that I'm not anymore!"

That declaration drew boos and hisses from the harem... umm... audience.

Mary Sue shook her tiny little fist with its perfectly manicured oval nails at them. "You BLEEP BLEEP! I should BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP your BLEEP BLEEP!!"

Mercutio looked at Mary, stunned, "How does she do that?"

Aya shakes her head. "Must be something they teach you when you become a Mary Sue."

"There's a training program? Cool."

"I hear they make you remove your brain, though."

"Oh. Not so cool then."

Jerry had somehow gotten Mary into a chair. "Okay, so Qui-Gon was the one who got you pregnant then?"

"Well, no, but he will!"

Jerry turned to the audience, rolling his eyes. When he looked back at Mary, his expression was stern, paternal. "So did he ever have sex with you at all?"

"Yes!"

"Qui-Gon? Is this true?"

"Mistakes were made. Yes, I did have sex with that intern... and it was bad..." He looked down. "So bad. But I realized my mistake..."

Half of the audience was sniffling.

"And when I get re-elected..."

Jerry leaned over. "Qui-Gon, you can't get re-elected. You're not American, you're not the President, and this is his second term anyway."

"But -- but I didn't inhale."

"See!" Mary Sue said. "He admits it! Qui-Gon had sex with me!"

A loud bellow was heard from backstage, and a moment later, Obi-Wan stormed out. "You said nothing happened, just a music recital!!"

Jerry turned to camera B. "Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Master Qui-Gon Jinn's palwadan..."

"Padawan..." Qui-Gon corrected.

"Sorry. Paddlewan. Master Jinn's pawadan, a man so sexy he needs two names -- Obi-Wan 'Ben' Kenobi. Welcome to the show, Ben."

Mary smiled poisonously at Ben, while simultaneously managing to smile sweetly at Qui-Gon, "Oh yes, we made music all right... Beautiful music."

The padawan glared at his master. "You don't even like classical music!"

"He seemed to like it well enough last night."

Ben drew himself up. "My master is tone deaf."

"Oh?" she asked archly. "I thought he handled his... instrument... very well."

Obi-Wan turned to Jerry. "She's a liar. She tried to sleep with me too, and when I wouldn't, she... she..."

"She what?"

"She called me a virgin!"

"Padawan, is this true?"

"Of course, it is, Master," he said, throwing himself to his knees, "I've been waiting for you."

Mary Sue sniffed. "Oh. So he's not only a virgin, but he's gay. Explains everything. Even the bad ones are taken."

Aya and Mercutio perked up, "Ooh, luscious gay men, pining for each other!"

"Angst!"

"Hurt/comfort!"

"First time!"

"Disclaimers!"

"Woohoo!"

Troubled by a sudden thought, Aya questioned Mercutio. "What if Qui-Gon isn't gay?"

"Qui-Gon's always gay."

"Oh yeah." Aya pondered a moment. "But I thought you said they were both bi?"

"Not today, Aya."

"But then there'd be more for us," Aya whimpered.

Mercutio looked at her. "You are wise beyond your years, my padawan."

On stage, Qui-Gon had leaned down, and was cradling Ben's cheek in his hand. "Do you love me? Truly love me?"

"Yes, master."

An enormous moan of "awwwww"'s rose from the audience, accompanied by a "woohoo!"

Mary Sue frumped. "Look, that's special and all, but can we get on with it? You seduced me, dumped me, ruined my life, and now you won't even have my child. What about ME?! I'm the hurt one! I'm the wronged person, where's my sympathy?"

When that got no response, she began crying. "But I'm a good person. I rescue homeless animals and find them good homes, and sing Britney Spears songs, and stuff."

Jerry interrupted her. "Yes, and in your free time you stalk Jedi masters, Mary?"

She looked up defiantly. "Of course I do!" She faced the audience. "Wouldn't you?"

The "Hell, yeah" was deafening, but unfortunately bleeped.

"Well," Jerry said, taking the cue to move to his other subjects.

Qui-Gon was kneeling over Obi-Wan, his padawan's head in his hands. His microphone picked up the sound of sub-vocalized growling. The soundstage had hushed, every breath held, listening for the sound of that growling, for the sound of erections brushing cloth, for the sound of...

Aya and Mercutio shouted together, "Take it off! Take it off!"

That wasn't it.

The combined look of disgust from the audience silenced them before the set manager could get to them.

Qui-Gon pressed his lips to Ben's, while rubbing his torso against his apprentice. A moaning whimper came from Ben, and was echoed by the audience. "Ohhhhhhh..."

Mary Sue looked out at them. "You people are sick! Sick, sick, sick!"

People yelled back at her. "Shut up!" "Let the Jedi fuck!"

Aya and Mercutio looked at each other. "Seems like the time now."

"She might think we mean her, and start taking off her clothes."

"Oh, yeah. Never mind."

Tears were streaming from Mary Sue's moonstone eyes. "You people never really loved me! You never really understood what I meant to you! If you believed in me, this could have been a normal, heterosexual relationship, the way George intended it to be! You people are perverted filth..."

"And that's all the time we have for today," Jerry said. "This has been the Jerry Springer show. More mayhem tomorrow, as we find out why the cast of 'Friends' can't stay just friends, on Celebrity Week, here on the Jerry Springer show."

"And we're out of here," the set manager called.

Mary Sue seemed oblivious, continuing to scream obscenities, which curiously still came out bleeped, despite that the show was no longer on the air.

Two large, burly men walked on stage, and grabbed her, dragging her off. But the microphone clipped to her collar was still on, and shrill screams of "It wasn't me! It was my twin sister! I swear!" echoed against the set walls.

And then there was just the two Jedi on the stage and Jerry out in the audience, loosening his tie.

Aya looked at Mercutio. "Now?"

"Now."

They stood. "Take it off! Take it AAAALLLLL off!"

And this time, the harem saw that it was good, and there was cheering.

On stage, clothing was definitely coming off, even though time had run out for the show. The end credits would roll over camera B, which was still taping, focused close-up on the hot Jedi action.

Jerry Springer muttered, "Not twice in one day. Think of the ratings. How am I ever going to top this? Phoebe and Monica go down on Rachel?"

As the crowd began leaving the auditorium, Aya moved to toss her chair.

"What are you doing?"

"Well, you've seen these shows before, the day's not over unless someone throws a chair."

"Padawan, I think that's Geraldo."

"Oh, right. Sorry."

Mercutio fished something out of her pocket, and held it out to Aya. "Here. Throw this instead."

"What's this?"

"Glitter."

"Cool." Aya sprinkled the glitter liberally into the air, hoping some of it would float over to the Jedi, separated from them by rows of half-empty seats and a railing.

Aya looked at the Jedi then turned to Mercutio. "Master, are you sure they don't need someone to oil it onto their bodies? Y'know, get the glitter all over? I mean, they look really busy. They probably don't have the time to..."

"Slash, my padawan. This is slash."

Aya didn't move. "But still..." She looked at her master with wide, pleading eyes.

"What?"

Fishing a vial of oil out of her purse, she grinned, "Well, this IS slash."

"I really like the way you think, padawan."

And with a "Woohoo!", they leapt over the railing and into the fray.

-the end-