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Rating: PG-13 for mild sex references, dark themes

Categories: Angst, A/U

Summary: Qui-Gon survived Naboo (for all the good it did him)-this is the fallout.

Archive: Yes to M/A and Till Human Voices Wake Us; others, please ask.

Feedback: Flame me, baby. I can take it.

WARNING!! This is *not* a happy fic, people. End of trilogy started in "Ingratitude" and continued in "Epiphany."

Disclaimer: They belong to George Lucas, but that won't stop me. I'm making no money off this (or anything else, really).

When Qui-Gon Jinn speaks, he says two things. There are the words which come out of his mouth, the surface statement, and what he really means behind it.

Obi-Wan has recently come to understand this. He doesn't think his ex-Master has been doing it forever--no, it is certainly a new development. When he concentrates, in fact, Obi-Wan can remember the exact night it started. His Master had just gotten out of the bacta tank and was coming from the meditation gardens very late.

Obi-Wan had not wanted to see him. Since Qui-Gon's miracle recovery he had avoided his former Master like the plague, not even going to visit him as he floated in the tank. Rather, he'd filled his time with starting Anakin's training, a task he found almost entirely devoid of interest, although it was necessary. Mace Windu had offered to help him, to his astonishment.

He'd given the boy his old room and slept on the couch, refusing to use Qui-Gon's room. When he'd heard that Qui-Gon was out of the tank he was profoundly grateful that he and Mace had been having dinner at the time and a confrontation with his ex-Master would be unnecessary. (Mace's refused proposal had barely lingered in his consciousness past its surprising utterance. It was peripheral. Unnecessary. Forgotten.) After dinner, he'd hightailed it to his own new quarters in the Knight's wing, deciding he could pick up his things tomorrow. If it meant having to see Qui-Gon, he would deal with that. A few polite words and he could go forever.

He'd been woken from sleep by a persistent beeping at the door. Hoping vaguely that it wasn't Mace Windu come to plead with him, Obi-Wan had padded to the door and opened it--to be confronted with over two hundred pounds of living, breathing, desperate Qui-Gon Jinn pressing him back inside and onto his bed. Stunned, he had submitted for a few frantic kisses before rolling the other man to lie beside him, petting and soothing him while Qui-Gon looked into his eyes, shaking with misery and fear. All he'd ever gotten out of the older man was that Qui-Gon had been meditating in the gardens and something had happened and made him realize how much Obi-Wan meant to him.

That, Obi-Wan muses, was the beginning of it all. The doublespeak. From that night on, he has been able to hear what Qui-Gon really means to say. It's as if the Force is whispering to him darkly, rolling his brain between smoky fingertips until his understanding is complete. For example, on that first fateful night, Obi-Wan had immediately understood that it was panicked guilt and jealousy, not love, that had driven Qui-Gon to the bed of his former apprentice. He'd been offended, but by now he knows that Qui-Gon really does love him. Terribly. Exclusively.

"...And as I.meditated, I realized...how much you meant, how much you mean, Obi-Wan, to me."

*Something has frightened me and I cannot lose you, do not cast me away.*

Doublespeak.

That set the tone for what their relationship is now. Obi-Wan knows they are safe from scrutiny, knows that on the outside they are the perfect couple. Qui-Gon seems the ideal Jedi lover, always tender and serene in what he says. Yet they both know it is there. It is always there, and Obi-Wan knows that in all ways he is the
Master now.

"Obi-Wan, I hope you realize that I did not mean to hurt your feelings by claiming Ani as my Padawan. I knew you were ready for the Trials."

*I'm sorry. I'm worthless. Take me back, forgive me, take me back.*

"The Council has given their approval for you to accompany us on this mission-do you consent, beloved?"

*I can no longer do this without you.*

"I value your input into Anakin's training. I am glad you do not seem to resent his presence in our lives."

*I'll cast him aside if you want me to. I'll give him up, hurt him as I hurt you. I'll do anything to keep you here with me, wanting me. Just tell me what you want.*

Obi-Wan remembers last week, when Qui-Gon broke an ankle during a complex training exercise and had to be laid up in the infirmary overnight while bacta pads healed it.

"I didn't expect to wind up back here so soon," he'd joked.

*I will try to recover quickly, don't cast me aside,* he'd begged.

Obi-Wan had smiled and laid his hand on Qui-Gon's own, letting him know that this small infraction was forgiven--though it might not be next time. Perfect on the surface. What a sweet pair of new lovers.

They have sex fairly frequently, and it does not obsess Obi-Wan as he had once thought it might. He finds it undeniably pleasant, but is far more fascinated and pleased by this desperate submission of his former Master. The worm has turned. Once he was his Master's, to be spurned at leisure. Now the final rejection is his to give.

And he will give it, someday. When this gets to be too much. He loves Qui-Gon deeply, make no mistake, he always has. But their love, such as it is, has blossomed on a rotting plant. It is an impossibility, something that should not happen and certainly cannot thrive. It is built on a lifetime of ignorance and rejection. That cannot be wiped out so abruptly, not even by this new thing between them. So, sooner or later, it will die.

And who will Obi-Wan turn to then? he muses. He rather thinks it will be Mace Windu after all. And that, that shows the potential to be something good and right and whole someday. Unlike Qui-Gon, the Councilor has always shown him respect and care. And he may be the only one to share their secret, to know their lie. He'd stopped to visit Qui-Gon in the infirmary, but instead of showing jealousy at their care for one another, he had only smirked a bit. Gazed at them knowingly. Obi-Wan had noticed that, as well as Qui-Gon's abrupt surge of terror and rage. Does his Master also know about the end of this façade? Most likely.

"Obi-Wan? Are you coming to dinner, love?" he hears Qui-Gon calling from the other room.

*Are you staying for another night?*

"I'd hate to be stuck eating radah root by myself," his lover's voice adds.

*When you leave me, I may well die.*

Obi-Wan ponders for a moment. Will he come to dinner tonight? Yes, he rather thinks so. And they'll have sex (he doesn't really think of it as making love) tonight, and he will fall asleep in Qui-Gon's clutching embrace, closing his eyes so he will not see the mixture of grief and passion on the elder's face. As for tomorrow...

Who knows? The Force will tell its own story, and whisper his to him.

Fin.

(I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Jeez, I felt terrible when I finished writing it, OK? I better come up with some happy smut, quick...or maybe I'll do a parody version of this to take the sting out ;-)