Warnings: DO NOT read this while eating or drinking!
Spoilers: A rewrite of a scene from TPM
Summary: The Real Phantom Menace, as told through
outtakes, flub-ups, and Liam and Ewan's last-minute rewrites of
their scripts.
Feedback: One can never get enough of a good thing.
Disclaimer: This is a shameless parody of Phantom Menace. I can
only hope George has a healthy appreciation for insane comedy.
All that is Star Wars belongs to George, he is my hero and my
guru and without him the world would be a much Darker place. I
submit this rewrite of TPM into evidence as Exhibit 1. I intend
to make no profit from this bit of drivel. Stay your mighty
wrath, George. I'm just a crazy writer.
Yet another conference room in the Federation flagship. The
Federation Viceroy, Nute Gunray, and his assistant, Rune Haako,
are sitting at the table playing Go-Fish. Darth Sidious is
attending as a holgram, a big white chicken wearing a black
cloak, the hood hiding all of the face except the long yellow
beak. And nothing can disguise the voice....
VICEROY -- We've managed to get control of all the cities in
the north and west, Boss. All we hadda do was close all the
coffee shops and they're all wandering around with the jitters
and getting headaches. Got any eights?
SIDIOUS -- Fine, fine. You boys done good. I can see you love
your work. Now you just get all the head honchos together and
toss'em out an airlock, all right? We don't need any sass from
them Yankees -- I mean officials. Now, what about that pretty
little girl Amidala? You found her yet?
RUNE HAAKO -- Uh, Boss, bit of a problem there.
SIDIOUS -- What's this you say, boy? A problem?
VICEROY -- Uhm, yeah, Boss. Kind of a bad news, good news
situation here.
SIDIOUS -- What's the good news?
VICEROY -- The good news is, we haven't run out of salsa and
chips.
SIDIOUS -- (in a chilling voice) And the bad news, boy?
The Viceroy gulps.
VICEROY -- Well, uh...we, uh, we lost the Queen's ship. It got
away. We think the Jedi are with her now.
SIDIOUS -- (really angry now) Dagnabbit, Viceroy, we need that
treaty signed! Not that we're gonna actually honor it, mind
you, but it looks good in the newsfax! Lord Sidious, the kind,
generous, compassionate, future Emperor of the Galaxy!
The Viceroy and Rune Haako are trying very hard NOT to roll
their eyes at this.
VICEROY -- Sure, Boss, I gotcha. Yer spinmeisters are gonna
have a field day. Got any fours?
RUNE HAAKO -- (hands over the cards) Dang! Here! Two of them!
VICEROY -- Uh, Boss, we lost her ship. We don't know where she
went. Although we suspect the nearest shopping mall. But
they're out of range now anyhow.
SIDIOUS -- Not for the Sith it ain't.
Another figure appears behind Sidious in the hologram,
completely dressed in black. A white face, whiskers, buck
teeth, huge ears. A long skinny hairless tail. A double
lightsaber rides in a carrying strap across the back. The eyes
are hard and steely, inhuman.
SIDIOUS -- This is my apprentice, Darth Maul. He'll find the
girl's ship.
MAUL -- Narf!
The hologram fades out and faintly one can hear, "They're Pinky
and the Brain, they're Pinky and the Brain. One is a genius,
the other's insane. To prove what they can do, they'll overrun
Naboo. They're dinky, they're Pinky and the Brain...."
VICEROY -- This is getting waaaayyyy too deep for me. You know
if the Jedi find out we're dealing with the Sith they'll hand
us our heads with mint sauce on top?
RUNE HAAKO -- (shrugs) Better that than frog's legs. Got any
jacks?
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