Warnings: DO NOT read this while eating or drinking!
Spoilers: A rewrite of a scene from TPM
Summary: The Real Phantom Menace, as told through
outtakes, flub-ups, and Liam and Ewan's last-minute rewrites of
their scripts.
Feedback: One can never get enough of a good thing.
Disclaimer: This is a shameless parody of Phantom Menace. I can
only hope George has a healthy appreciation for insane comedy.
All that is Star Wars belongs to George, he is my hero and my
guru and without him the world would be a much Darker place. I
submit this rewrite of TPM into evidence as Exhibit 1. I intend
to make no profit from this bit of drivel. Stay your mighty
wrath, George. I'm just a crazy writer.
The swampy forest of Naboo. Trees and bushes and mud
everywhere.
A gigantinormous sound rumbles through the forest and all the
animals are running away from it in a stampede. It's pure
chaos! Small furry cuddlies are hitching rides on big scary
monsters.
In the midst of what looks vaguely like a rush at a record
store the day the new Rolling Stones album goes on sale, a huge
metal machine is breaking trees and moving through the forest
come hell or high water. Nothing stands before it. Lots of
things run in front of it. Most notably, a certain Jedi Master.
Yes, kids, we've finally caught up with Qui-Gon!
QUI-GON -- (panting) That's...it! Next time...I
listen...to..Obi-Wan! No more ...sitting in front of the
vid....with mixing bowls of ice cream! No
more...chocolate-covered Oreos!
The deafening noise gets closer and now even the mythical
beasts are scrambling. Two unicorns, a wyvern, several Pokemon
monsters, a dragon, a basilisk, and an honest used-car salesman
pass by the intrepid Jedi Master. Dr. Lizardo, dragging his
homemade overthruster, bounds ahead of the Jedi, saying, "Feets
do your stuff!"
Suddenly in the midst of the rush, one figure stands alone
frozen in terror. Jar Jar Binks.
QUI-GON -- Move it! Gangway! Coming through! No autographs,
just throw money!
Jar Jar can only stand there gibbering in mindless terror at
the colossal machine bearing down on the Jedi Master, the
animals, and himself. Qui-Gon skids through the mud, plows
right into Jar Jar, and they both get run over by the droid
transport. Fortunately, it's a hovercraft. They get up after it
goes over them, walking away with the windblown look and minor
emotional troubles.
After the droid transport passes, the forest is quiet. (All
together now!) Too quiet.
JAR JAR -- Oooo, mooey mooey, meesa wuv yous!
QUI-GON -- (gives him a sharp look) Sorry, I'm taken. And you
look nothing like him. Unless he's been slipping acid in my
Kava again. Anyway, are you dumb as a box of rocks or what? You
nearly got us both killed.
JAR JAR -- Meesa Jar Jar Binks. Meesa yous humble servant!
Yousa saved me!
QUI-GON -- (backing away rapidly) No! Oh no! No more strays!
What do I look like, the Director of Acquisitions for the
Coruscant Zoo?
Jar Jar is following him as he tries to back away. Around them
the forest is starting to go back to normal, or what passes for
normal in a forest that's just been half-demolished.
JAR JAR -- But is demanded by the Ghuds! Is a life debt!
QUI-GON -- No, that won't be neccessary, no need, I already
have someone who jumps at my every word! Or is it me that jumps
at his every word? Whichever!
Behind the two, things are stirring again in the forest. Three
small figures that might be dogs or cats or children appear,
gamboling through the trees and jumping from branch to branch
with the agility of howler monkeys. They catch sight of the
Jedi and the Gungan and drop out of the trees to land beside
the two.
YAKKO -- Heeeeyyy. Wouldja look at this, sibs? It's a real live
Jedi Master! I hear these guys can tune into the Force.
WAKKO -- (sounding unnervingly like Ringo Starr) Can they tune
into the Food Channel? I'm hungry!
YAKKO -- Speaking of food ...Wakko, give it here!
Wakko pulls out his magic bag, reaches in and produces a large
paper bag filled with something that smells quite heavenly.
Yakko snatches it out his hand as Wakko starts eyeing the bag
hungrily. He thrusts it toward the Jedi Master.
YAKKO -- Here.
QUI-GON -- What is it?
YAKKO -- George's lunch. Pastrami and swiss on rye.
DOT -- He's such a cutie!
Qui-Gon is apparently left holding the bag as the annoying buzz
of dirt bikes begins in the distance, the high-pitched buzz of
unmuffled Honda CR350s. A moment later a troup of battledroids
dressed in biker leathers buzz into sight, doing high jumps
over fallen logs and sliding into turns in the mud. Ahead of
the rowdy bunch of rebels without a gene pool, OBI-WAN is
running flat out trying to escape.
JAR JAR -- Uh Oh! Weesa in trubble now! (dives into the bushes)
YAKKO -- Battle stations, sibs!
The three leap onto Qui-Gon's back. Wakko snuggles quite
happily into the hood of Qui-Gon's cloak, the other two hang
off his shoulders.
WAKKO -- Oh look! I'm Yoda! Come on, Luke, let's go for a run!
That's a good puppy!
YAKKO -- Uuuhhhh, I don't think so.
Qui-Gon tries to shake them off as he gets his lightsaber out
as the battledroids buzz ever closer to Obi-Wan's shapely rear
end. A few deflected blaster bolts later, Obi-Wan is skidding
to a stop at Qui-Gon's side again.
Then Dot gets a good look at Obi-Wan.
DOT -- (eyes bug out for a minute) Heeelllooooo nurse! (she
drops off Qui-Gon's shoulder and leaps at Obi-Wan, tackling him
to the ground.)
OBI-WAN -- HEY! What are you --mmrrrpphh!
Dot smooches him bigtime.
DOT -- (begins floating in mid air) I'm in loooovveee!
YAKKO -- I'm gonna be sick.
WAKKO -- I'm gonna make s'mores.
DOT -- (dropping back down onto Obi-Wan's chest as he is still
a bit too stunned to move) So, cutie, what are you doing for
the rest of your life?
OBI-WAN -- (points to Qui-Gon) Boinking him every night and
twice on Saturdays.
Dot begins sobbing hysterically. Yakko pulls her off the
disgruntled Padawan as Wakko eyes the bag of George's lunch
Qui-Gon is still holding.
A voice begins calling in the distance, calling for Yakko,
Wakko and Dot. A familiar voice.
WAKKO -- But maybe Steven will take us to lunch....
YAKKO -- Or maybe he'll take us to Kalamazoo and feed us to the
Thing that Ate Miami. This is Steven we're talking about here.
Think about it. Three movies with a shark, two with hungry
dinosaurs and one with something that looks like Yoda's ugly
kid brother. Let's scram, kids!
The three tumble away from the Jedi, but not without one final
tearful smooch from Dot for Obi-Wan, who splutters and scrubs
his cloak sleeve over the spot she smooched.
OBI-WAN -- (points to Jar Jar who is beginning to emerge from
the bushes) What's that?
Qui-Gon looks faintly uncomfortable and doesn't look at his
Padawan.
OBI-WAN -- Oh, Master, not again!
Qui-Gon pouts and holds out the bag to Obi-Wan silently.
OBI-WAN -- And what's this?
QUI-GON -- George's lunch.
A Hobbit, a dozen dwarves and an old geezer in gray pass by
behind them and disappear into the swamp.
QUI-GON -- What happened to your lightsaber? Why didn't you
frag those droids?
Obi-Wan retrieves his lightsaber from his belt and looks at it
critically.
OBI-WAN -- Uh, well, y'know...
QUI-GON -- The bunny again?
OBI-WAN -- (looks chagrined) Yeah.
Qui-Gon shakes his head with a small smile on his face, puts
the bag of George's lunch on a nearby log, and gives Obi-Wan a
kiss. The Mummy, Dracula and Frankenstein pop out of the trees
behind them and hold up cards reading "9.8" "9.7" and "9.5"
Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan, oblivious, catch hands and start running
off after the droid transport together.
A moment passes, and Yakko, Wakko and Dot drop to hang by their
knees from a tree branch nearby. Yakko spies the scores.
YAKKO -- Uh-oh. That'll cost them the gold.
WAKKO -- Oh, lookee, they left George's lunch.
YAKKO -- Go for it, bro.
Yakko drops out of the tree, swipes the bag and opens it. A big
furry hand reaches out of the bag, grabs Wakko by the shirt,
and yanks him inside. A second later the hand reappears bearing
a folded note and then withdraws into the wildy writhing bag.
Yakko swipes up the note and opens it.
YAKKO -- (reading) "Next time don't eat my lunch. George."
(gets the bag and opens it, calls down into it) Ooooh, hello
Chewie! Gee, what nice ...big ... teeth...
The furry hand erupts from the bag again and yanks Yakko and
Dot inside and the sounds of munching and crunching. Then a
very satisfied Wookie belch.
Archive 