Warnings: DO NOT read this while eating or drinking!
Spoilers: A rewrite of a scene from TPM
Summary: The Real Phantom Menace, as told through
outtakes, flub-ups, and Liam and Ewan's last-minute rewrites of
their scripts.
Feedback: One can never get enough of a good thing.
Disclaimer: This is a shameless parody of Phantom Menace. I can
only hope George has a healthy appreciation for insane comedy.
All that is Star Wars belongs to George, he is my hero and my
guru and without him the world would be a much Darker place. I
submit this rewrite of TPM into evidence as Exhibit 1. I intend
to make no profit from this bit of drivel. Stay your mighty
wrath, George. I'm just a crazy writer.
The Federation flagship's conference room. A large oval table,
a dozen chairs. The far wall is all windows, currently showing
the glowing blue-white-green sphere of the planet Naboo.
The door hums open and a silver protocol droid, TC-14, leads
two mysterious cloaked figures inside.
TC-14 -- Make yourselves comfortable, my master will be with
you shortly. (does the droid equivalent of a bow and backs out
of the room hurriedly.)
The two cloaked figures put back their hoods and ...why look,
kids, it's Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan! Wonder what kind of trouble
these two wacky Jedi are in for today?!
Now everyone join in with Obi-Wan, kids, he's about to do the
Padawan Secret Code Phrase!
OBI-WAN -- I have a bad feeling about this.
Now Master Qui-Gon is going to do the Secret Master Reassurance
Phrase!
QUI-GON -- I don't sense anything, Obi-Wan.
Did you get it, kids? Everyone go get your Secret Jedi Decoder
Rings and get to work!
OBI-WAN -- (gives an exasperated snort) You forgot you'd
already taken your Kava and took two doses. With the normal
level of Jedi brainlessness -- oh, sorry, Jedi Serenity -- that
means you'd be mellow in a room full of rabid blood-maddened
Rancors.
QUI-GON --(smiling serenely) I prefer to think of it as a state
of constant meditation.
OBI-WAN -- Master, there was a hazmat team in full chemical
warfare suits that gave us the high-five when we walked in
here.
QUI-GON -- And?
OBI-WAN -- And there was a skull and crossbones on the door.
And all the public comscreens were flashing "Abandon all hope
ye who enter here" all along the walk from the hangar.
QUI-GON -- And your point is?
OBI-WAN -- (gives a long-suffering sigh and begins tugging
Qui-Gon toward the window by the sleeve.) Nothing, Master. Just
that yet again I shall be happy to keep my absent-minded and
totally cool Master out of trouble.
QUI-GON -- Yes, I am totally cool. Now, why are you so anxious,
Padawan?
OBI-WAN -- It's not here, Master, it's something
elsewhere...elusive.
QUI-GON -- Don't get your knickers in a twist, Padawan. Keep
your mind here and now.
OBI-WAN -- But Master Yoda said to be mindful of the future.
QUI-GON -- (tucking his hands into his cloak sleeves and
looking very wise and all-knowing) If you're always looking to
the future you'll miss the truck that's about to run over you
in the present.
OBI-WAN -- (rolls his eyes at this and digs in one of his cloak
pockets, brings out a Magic 8 Ball. He shakes it up, peers at
the answer revealed and frowns) Damn. "Reply Hazy, Ask Again
Later." It's the Dark Side!
QUI-GON -- (snatches the Magic 8 Ball away) I wondered where
that had gotten off to! Bad Padawan! No cookies!
OBI-WAN -- (looks abashed and crestfallen for a moment, then
brightens when Qui-Gon shakes his head and ruffles Obi-Wan's
hair in affectionate exasperation.)
MEANWHILE, Back at the Fray up on the Bridge....
The Federation flagship's bridge looks vaguely familiar. A big
Klingon stands at the weapons console, all hair and fangs. A
gold-skinned android is playing rock-paper-scissors with the
ship's computer in the corner. At another corner, a man in a
bathrobe and fuzzy bunny slippers is arguing with the ship's
computer about tea. Two Gray Aliens are looking out the big
picture window viewport, big black slanted eyes staring out at
the curve of Naboo below, obviously planning their next attack.
The VICEROY -- What's this you say?
TC-14 -- I believe the ambassadors are Jedi Knights, sir.
DOFINE -- That's it, we've had it, the scam's up! Prepare to
separate the saucer section! Mr. Data, sound red alert and
start the evacuation!
VICEROY -- Belay that, Mr. Data, let's not be hasty. Let's call
Lord Sidious first. He may want us to send the Jedi back to the
Senate in five separate packages. Commander Data , route the
call to my ready room.
A moment later a hologram appears. Uh-Oh, kids, it's Darth
Sidious, the Spiritually Centered Bad Guy! RUN!
VICEROY -- Uh, Boss, our goose is cooked. The Chancellor's
ambassadors are Jedi Knights. It's like Sandra Day O'Connor
just walked on the ship. All that sweetness and light is making
everyone want to wash behind their ears and use correct
grammar. What do you want we should do?
SIDIOUS -- (is a large white chicken with a thick Southern
accent) I say, Viceroy, are you certain these two chickenhawks
is Jedi?
DOFINE -- This scheme of yours has failed, Lord Sidious! We
dare not go against the Jedi!
SIDIOUS -- (gives Dofine a very disgruntled look) Viceroy, this
boy's about as sharp as a bowling ball! Now you know I will not
tolerate a nay-sayer in my camp! Let's all remember the South
-- I mean, the Dark -- will rise again! Now then. Here's what
we're gonna do. You get your battledroids to sneak up behind
that pesky dog and whack his butt with a two-by-four. Got it?
Get them boys down there on the planet and find that sweet
young thing Amidala.
VICEROY -- But Boss, that's not exactly legal.
SIDIOUS -- Since when has that ever stopped us?
VICEROY -- You got a point, Boss.
SIDIOUS -- Good! So you boys get to work and I'll go give the
Senate the run-around. Y'all save some biscuits and gravy for
me.
VICEROY -- Right Boss.
They give each other the Secret Bad Guy Salute and the hologram
blinks out.
MEANWHILE, we flip the channel back to see what those crazy
kids, the Jedi, are up to....
QUI-GON and OBI-WAN are both sitting in chairs at the
conference table now. Qui-Gon is either asleep or meditating,
possibly both. Obi-Wan is playing Pokemon on his GameBoy.
OBI-WAN -- (not looking up from his game) Master?
Qui-Gon doesn't answer.
OBI-WAN -- (a little louder) Master?
Still no answer. Qui-Gon is the picture of serenity.
Obi-Wan frees one hand from the GameBoy controls and with Jedi
quickness pops one of the earphones out.
QUI-GON -- Ouch! You wanted something, Padawan?
OBI-WAN -- Among other things, an explanation for why they've
kept us waiting so long.
QUI-GON -- (retrieves his Walkman from his cloak pocket and
starts hunting through his belt pouches for another tape) They
seem a bit on the nervous side for a simple trade dispute.
Maybe they called for pizza and it hasn't gotten here yet.
Can't have a meeting without pizza.
OBI-WAN -- (turns off his GameBoy and takes the tape Qui-Gon
has found. Blinks. ) Uh, Master, I don't think Marilyn Manson
is very conducive to meditation.
QUI-GON -- (slightly aggrieved) It is now that you destroyed my
Nine Inch Nails tape, Padawan.
A muffled explosion shakes the deckplates! The two jump to
their feet and turn on their lightsabers!
QUI-GON -- Y'know, it just occured to me I might have left the
oven on.
OBI-WAN -- You think? That was our ship!
A noxious yellow gas begins seeping into the room from the
vents along the walls!
Oh No! Our heroes are trapped in a room with poison gas! The
Federation is sending a Security team full of no-name red
shirts to come flatten them! And Darth Sidious is plotting to
take over Naboo! Can Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon escape?!
Tune in tomorrow, same Bat Time, same Bat Channel!
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